


I Might Need This

by imthederpyfox



Series: Glee [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Arguing, Attacks, Blaine Friendly, Blood, Bulimia, Bullying, Burning, Coping Mechanisms, Crying, Cutting, Death, Drunkenness, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Fighting, Food, Funeral, Gay Bashing, Gore, Grief, Hate, Hate Crimes, Heartbreak, Hospitals, Hurt, Losing Family, M/M, Maybe more - Freeform, Mourning, New York, Pain, Panic Attacks, Reference to Rape, Sadness, Scars, Self Harm, Sleep Deprivation, Slow Burn, Slurs, Suicidal Tendancies, What could have happened, based around the start of series 4, break ups, breakdowns, but does bring up a lot of stuff, depressed!kurt, mental health, non-con, self deprication, self-hate, terrible mental state, terrible ones really, that blaine did wrong throughout
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2021-03-31
Packaged: 2021-04-25 18:20:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 38
Words: 214,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22327210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imthederpyfox/pseuds/imthederpyfox
Summary: Kurt has had a rough summer, everyone knows it. His dream is gone, so is his best friend. He hates himself for failing so much.When school starts back up nobody comments that he weighs so much less, that he has circles under his eyes or that his smile is fake. He throws himself into helping the Glee club, trying to distract himself from his own spiralling thoughts, but everyone's hurtful words just make him more lost.Maybe he can turn things around? Maybe...? Hopefully...?He just needs a bit of help...
Relationships: Finchel, Kurtbastian - Relationship, Past Klaine - Relationship, Platonic Relationships - Relationship, Will/Emma, britanna - Relationship, the usual suspects - Relationship
Series: Glee [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530836
Comments: 348
Kudos: 146





	1. In a Sea of People, I'm invisible

**Author's Note:**

> I've not actually written a kurtbastian fic before, and while I used to hate Kurtbastian I have to admit, recently it's grown on me. 
> 
> So have a slow burn, angst filled (like seriously, listen to the warnings) fic.
> 
> Also, Kurt looks great at the start of series 4 but he's also skinnier - which is saying something, he's always been skinny - and everything and I've had this idea in my brain for a couple years now so, hope you enjoy? Though I don't think it'll be as good as it is in my brain aha

Kurt had had a rough summer, he thought it was pretty obvious. Though he guessed somewhere along the line, he'd gotten good at pretending he was ok, and nobody seemed to see that his heart and thus his whole body and mind was breaking, spiralling, igniting itself in flames, going down with the ship that was his failed attempt at getting himself away from Ohio, to New York, to his dreams... His dead, broken, non-achievable dreams.

He sighed as he looked to his boyfriend, rolling his eyes as he had to get up and continue with his job. He saw Kitty trying to get his attention and forced himself to smile. Blaine smiled sadly and let him go do his work, sipping on his drink. Kurt hated to admit it but the way his boyfriend looked at him now - full of pity and sorrow - filled his head with questions. He just wanted to go back to normal. Well, he wanted so much more than that, but when people asked him if he was ok; or mocked him, one or the other day to day, his heart crippled in his chest even more and he just wished everything was fine.  
"How can I help you?" He asked Kitty, smoothing down his uniform. Little did his friends know it was his fourth uniform that month. He had been losing a lot of weight recently, not that anyone noticed.  
"My iced coffee is too cold." Kitty told him bluntly.  
"It's an iced coffee." Kurt blanched, god he hated this job, and he knew people from McKinley knew who he was, and revelled in the fact that his life was falling apart and loved rubbing it in.  
"It's an iced latte that's too cold." Kitty told him, matter-o-factly.

Kurt suppressed a sigh and gave his fake customer service smile. "I'm gonna need you to make me a new one."  
Kurt nodded slightly, his manager calling him over. He sighed. "I'll be right back with your latte." He headed off, trying to ignore Blaine's encouraging looks. He didn't need them right now, he needed people to not judge him, not think he was fragile as glass that would shatter if they spoke too loud.

\------------

"Porcelain! Was wondering how long it'd be before you dropped by." Coach Sylvester smiled, folding her arms.  
Kurt smiled in return, stepping into the office and walking over to the desk. His old coach was looking at him oddly, but she soon returned to her normal self when Kurt came over and cooed at her new baby. "She's adorable." He told her, letting the baby grip his pinky in one hand.  
"You bet your ass, she is." Sue chuckled. "Porcelain, this is my daughter, Robin." Her voice was full of pride, and there was that look again when Kurt looked to her, like she was searching for something. She looked like she was going to ask him something when Kitty walked in. "Ah, Kitty, I need you to change Robin's diaper, and then sing her a lullaby. Preferably something not yet butchered by the glee club." Kurt rolled his eyes, used to his coaches barbs. If anything it helped him remember how things used to be... the good times. "Good luck finding one. Porcelain, this is Kitty. Kitty is my new head bitch, she's like a young Quinn Fabray, except she's not pregnant, manic-depressive, or in and out of a wheelchair."

Kitty looked to him with disgust in her eyes. He braced himself, knowing how creative she liked to be with her hurtful words. "Shouldn't you be in college or something? I thought gay people were all successful overachievers!" She smirked.  
"I AM a successful over-"  
"Oh, don't pay attention to what Kitty thinks, Even if it's exactly what the rest of the world thinks." Sure told him, and there was that look again as soon as Kitty was distracted with Robin. "You know, it used to be, that just straight ex-football players would lurk the halls of high schools after graduation, but you've proven that gay ex-show choir champs can also be depressive, sad sacks; desperately clinging to the past." She smirked at him.  
He offered a small glare, his mask slipping slightly. "I'm not a sad sack, okay?" He told her, sternly. He missed having backbone sometimes. He'd lost a lot of it over the summer. "My classes at a local college start soon, and I only came to see your baby-"  
"Yes, yes, go on Porcelain, don't wanna miss the auditions for Glee club, do you?" She sat behind her desk, putting her glasses up and motioning to the door.

He sighed and stood straight, walking through the door to head to the auditorium, not knowing Sue cast a worried look after him. Who would care about him anyway? The looks she was giving were probably all in his head anyway.

\------------

They told him it was sad that he was more into the auditions than they were. He sighed, letting his head loll back against the wall. Even if they had a point, they shouldn't be so quick to try and push him out. He had won a nationals trophy with the glee club and other achievements in football and cheer leading. Even if his life had turned to shit recently, he had some good wins beneath his belt, and he knew what he was talking about when it came to Glee.   
Everyone was too busy fighting over who the 'new Rachel' was that once again he was pushed to one side when trying to help them be the best they could be. 

He resigned himself to making sure he'd hold his opinion back more, it wouldn't help after all.   
"Kurt?" His father's voice came, followed by a knock on the bathroom door. "Come on, kiddo, dinner."  
"Coming." Kurt called back, standing and wiping his eyes, watching himself in the mirror. He looked as baby faced and hit-able as ever. He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. He'd been struggling to eat recently without feeling sick, and sometimes he made himself throw it up just to stop the feeling. He adjusted his sleeves - nobody had noticed that he was wearing long ones for a while now - and made sure he looked presentable and stable. He didn't want or need his mask slipping in front of everyone. They already worried he was a failure and washout, he didn't need to prove it by including his awful mental and physical health.

\------------

"Hey, Kurt!" Blaine grinned at him, taking his hands. "How's your day been?" He lead Kurt out of the school doors, heading for the car park.   
Kurt let out a dramatic sigh and smiled. "Amazing, looking at the extra-curricular at the local college, practising some stuff, doing some sewing." He sighed. "And now for a shift at the Lima Bean."   
"Sounds fun." Blaine smiled, Kurt knew he didn't mean it. There was that look again. "So, I have some homework to do, want me to keep you company at work?"  
"Nah, I'll be fine." Kurt smiled, turning to him. "Don't let me distract you."  
"I just worry about you." Blaine admitted softly, taking his hands again. "I just wanna make sure you're ok."  
"I'm always ok!" Kurt reminded him. "Really, I am completely fine. Go do your homework, I don't wanna be late." He smiled, letting Blaine kiss him on the cheek before giving a small wave and getting into his Navigator. 

\------------

His shift was awful, as usual. At least there weren't that many McKinley kids tonight. He sighed, glancing at the clock on the wall. Half an hour to go, then he was free. At least work offered a distraction he guessed, something to take his mind off of everything that was wrong. NYADA, Rachel, Blaine, McKinley, Glee, how in just a few months he'd gone from NYADA finalist, winner at Nationals, finally beginning to become popular, at his peak... To thrown form the cliff, rejected from his main college, left alone, called names, made fun of, back to the bottom of the social heap, working at a dead end job, stuck living at home, all alone. His friends and family rarely asked how he was, but when they did, there was this... guilt and pity in their looks that made him want to snap. 

He hissed as the coffee steamer burnt the side of his finger and shook his hand out slightly. Guess the distraction of work didn't do very good when there weren't any customers. He was almost relieved when he heard the bell atop the door ring, but his face dropped when he saw who was walking over to him.   
"Oh god..." He muttered to himself, wondering if he could get someone else to cover the front of house, but everyone was either on break or there was a new girl working on drinks and she needed the training. He gave a tiny smile as Jeff and Nick noticed him. They came over excitedly, not noticing Kurt's uncomfortable looks as they began bombarding him with questions.   
"Hey, guys..." He sighed, trying to avoid eye contact with the person he REALLY didn't want to see.   
He attempted to ignore the smug meerkat smirk as he asked the others what drinks they'd like. "How come you're working here, Kurt?" Jeff asked.   
Ah, the dreaded question. Kurt paused for a moment, a fake smile he'd perfected over the past couple months forcing its way onto his face. "Just..." He let a small cough escape him, the need to throw up rising. "In between things at the moment." He smiled. "I'll get your drinks sorted, I know where you sit, I'll bring them over."  
"Thanks, Kurt!" Nick called behind him as he paid for the two boys drinks and headed round to their usual spot. 

Kurt steeled himself and finally looked to the one and only, Mr. Sebastian Smythe. "Sebastian." He nodded, watching the look of pure joy on the younger boys face.   
"What a lovely surprise this is!" Sebastian grinned, coming over and leaning on the counter. "All my predictions came true!"  
"Not all of them." Kurt grumbled, though he realised that wasn't the way to retaliate to the other boy. He needed to keep his guard up, use the part of his vocabulary that stung, made sure to outwit the meerkat. "I mean, I may had hit a few snags, but at least I still have my incredible handsome boyfriend." He smirked, though there was something that shone in Sebastian's eye for a split second.   
"For now, if I'd have known you'd have flopped this hard I would have moved in sooner!" He grinned. "Now, bust boy, are you gonna make me a coffee or?"  
Kurt rolled his eyes. "What do you want?"  
"Just a chi tea." Sebastian shrugged slightly, leaning back and folding his arms with a triumphant look on his face. Kurt could not be having a worse time, at least, he didn't think it was possible.   
"I'll bring it over with the others." He muttered, not having the energy to fight Sebastian and his truthful predictions anymore, it wasn't worth it. For what? To prove to himself that he hadn't ruined every part of his life? That he didn't work in an awful job like Smythe had predicted? That he couldn't look at his boyfriend without seeing the pity, the sorrow. Nope, he just had to ignore Sebastian for once, instead of rising to his barbs, he just had to let it wash off his back. When he didn't get a response, he turned to face the Warbler once again, seeing that Sebastian wasn't smirking as usual. "Yes?" He asked, cocking a hip and raising a brow. 

The other boy's smirk returned and he threw some money down on the counter. "Keep the change, you might need it if you ever want to move out of your parent's place." He walked away without saying anything else and Kurt felt his chest tighten in rage. He already knew he was a failure, he didn't need a reminder and certainly not from the craigslist deodorant endorser. He quickly turned away from the room of customers and took a second to breathe.   
"Hey Kurt, can you help me with these?" The new girl asked and he let out a deep breath, heading over to her with a fake smile and helping her make the drinks.   
He took them over when they were ready. "Here you go..." He mumbled, placing the drinks down for everyone.   
"Thanks, Kurt!" Nick grinned, taking a long swig of his coffee. "So good~"  
"Why don't we catch up while it's not busy?" Jeff asked.   
Kurt glanced to the clock. "Sorry, I finish soon and it's been a long week." He smiled, ignoring Sebastian's presence altogether. "But we'll have to arrange something, maybe we can go to the cinema like we used to?"  
"That sounds great! We can all arrange something soon." Nick smiled. "Oh, don't forget to ask Blaine as well, we haven't seen him in a while."  
"Sure thing." Kurt smiled and nodded, taking a couple steps back. "You have my number." He left before they could say anything else or before he had to look at Sebastian's smirking face any longer. 

"See you later, Kate." Kurt called back to the new girl as he quickly took his apron off, his hands shaking. He didn't stay long enough to hear her response, he didn't know what he was feeling? Embarrassment? Pain? Guilt? What was the word for a massive black hole absorbing him and eating him from the inside out, deleting everything he was and could have been. He headed into the back office and grabbed his bag, heading out the back door before anyone saw his melt down.   
He thought he was over these failures, that he'd come to terms with them, but as he shook and struggled to breathe in the cold alleyway he realised he wasn't. He curled up, sinking to the floor with his back against the wall, tilting his head back and trying to breathe properly as everything that was wrong came flooding to him. He thought he was ok with this, but he really wasn't. He wasn't ok with being a failure, he wasn't ok with wondering the halls of his old life, even lower on the food chain than he had been before, with one of his tormentors words completely accurate. He wasn't ok. And nobody noticed... nobody cared. 

He sobbed his eyes out, shaking and wrapping his arms around himself.   
What was the point...? His life was ruined. Everything he had once had ambition for had run further than he could reach, falling from his grasp and leaving him in the dark, cold and out of breath, no more energy to try and catch up.   
Everyone else was moving on, and here he was. The same place, the same dead end town, with no way of escape.   
"Well I was coming to mock you some more, but uh, guess you've set it up way too well for me to be satisfied by it." Sebastian's voice came from the opening to the alleyway.   
Kurt looked to him, oh shit... calm down, stop hyperventialating! Be strong! Stop not being able to breathe, it's something you do EVERY day! Oh god I feel sick... He tried to steady his breathing but he just panicked more as the Warbler made no attempt at leaving him alone. "Go 'way Smythe." He growled, trying to seem stronger than he felt at that particular moment, his entire life in ruined shatters around himself, no way to pick them up and put them back together. 

Sebastian nodded slightly, his smirk turning into more of a smile. "Won't your gay jeans get all dirty down there?" He continued, either not caring or not noticing how shook up Kurt was right now.   
Kurt grit his jaw, the taste of bile rising through him as he continued trying to breathe. "Don't." He warned.   
Sebastian chuckled. "Why not? You know, just because you're close to being homeless doesn't mean you should be getting any practice in."   
Kurt didn't answer, he managed to take a few shaky breaths and more tears spilled from his eyes, he tried to look away from his old enemy but at this point he couldn't really bring himself to care. He'd probably fail at this as well. He clenched his eyes shut as his vision swam. He wanted to tell Sebastian to fuck off and leave him alone, let him grovel, let him curl up in an alleyway having a panic attack if he wanted to. But the nausea hit him and he turned away, curling in on himself at a weird angle as he threw up the small amount of food he'd had that day. He spat, trying to get rid of the taste of bile. 

He hoped Sebastian would leave but he could feel eyes burrowing into his back. He shook, all his limbs at odd angles but he couldn't find the energy to move.   
He heard someone step up behind him and grit his teeth, clenching his eyes shut. "Come on, Hummel the Homo." He glanced to his side and saw a hand extended. "But don't tell anyone I let you touch me."  
Kurt took a deep breath. "I bet I'm not the first person you've said that to..." He accepted Sebastian's hand and let him pull him to his feet. Sebastian didn't want to admit that it was way too easy to lift the other boy.   
"There's the Kurt I know." He smirked. "Sarcastic quips galore for people better than him."   
"If that were true I wouldn't waste my quips on you." Kurt tried to smirk, tried to bring himself some semblance of normal in this whole situation. The past few months had been hell. He needed some normal...   
Sebastian actually laughed at that, ignoring that Kurt was still struggling to breathe. While he was managing better than before now that he'd let it all out. 

"Shouldn't you be getting back to the homeless centre?" He asked back, seemingly relieved they were back to being enemies, he didn't know how to deal with helping Kurt.   
"Yeah, I'll see you there when you come in for Community Service." Kurt retorted, wiping his eyes and stepping away from the other boy.   
"Whatever, Hummel." Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Have fun at your shitty job~" He turned and began walking away now that Kurt seemed somewhat better. Not that he cared if he was ok, he just didn't want to handle the elfling while he was upset, it was weird.   
"See you later, Craigslist." Kurt mumbled, folding his arms and resting against the wall.   
Sebastian snorted, turning and facing him again, walking backwards toward the car park. "Oh don't worry, Cinderella, now I know you're washed up here? I'll be in visiting ALL. THE. TIME." He smirked, leaving without another word. 

Great, just what Kurt needed. He sighed and went into his pocket, pulling his phone out.   
"Shit..." He phone Blaine back after seeing the missed call. "Hey, Blaine." He smiled, tucking his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, sure, I'll be back home soon so feel free to hang out with my dad until then." He began slowly walking down the alley way toward the car park. "Love you too. See you soon. Bye."

\------------

"Blaine, you guys CANNOT keep acting like this." Kurt tutted at his boyfriend, bringing some low fat popcorn into the room and sitting on the sofa next to him. "There is some great new talent in the school. That Marley girl had an amazing voice, Unique is incredible... Look, I know you're a senior now and you want your chance to shine, but everyone deserves it too." He plonked himself down next to his boyfriend.   
"You've never complained about it before. Besides, I've never seen a problem with letting everyone shine."  
"That's because you always got the leads..." Kurt muttered, rolling his eyes slightly.   
"Don't be like that, Kurt." Blaine sighed. "You know it's not like that, we just need to set leadership-"  
"By bullying people?" He looked to him, confusion knitted in his eyebrows. "By doing exactly what so many people have been doing to the Glee club all along? Making people think they don't have a voice...?"  
Blaine raised a brow. "Where's all this coming from, Kurt?"   
Kurt sighed, looking away. "Nothing, I just don't think it's nice the way the group is treating the new people who want to sign up..." He ran a hand through his hair. "Just forget I said anything, really. Let's watch a film." He picked up the remote before Blaine could ask him any more questions. 

"Sure." Blaine smiled, wrapping his hand around Kurt's. "How about Moulin Rouge?"   
"Sounds amazing." Kurt smiled, resting his head on Blaine's shoulder. Everything was messed up and maybe if he just went along like usual everything could fix itself? He didn't make it through all of the film before he'd fallen asleep on his boyfriends shoulder. 

\------------

At lunch the next day Kurt looked to his phone.

Blaine - Meet me at the courtyard in five, I have a surprise for you~ <3 xx

He smiled, though he wasn't sure he could get there for five minutes time, good thing he was already dressed.

\------------

"Of course, I think you should be the lead soloist." Kurt sighed, popping a grape from the surprise picnic into his mouth. "But can I give you some advice? Even when Rachel was her most controlling, she STILL made sure everyone felt included." He reminded Blaine.  
"Okay... You have a point." Blaine smiled back. "Can I give you some advice? You can't be here anymore, Kurt."  
Kurt nodded slowly, did nobody realise he already KNEW he didn't belong here? But... He didn't exactly have a lot of faith in himself anymore. "I get it... I know, I'm pathetic."  
"No, no, you're-you're not pathetic! It's just that you're stuck, you don't belong here anymore." Blaine told him, taking a hold of both of his hands. "You belong in New York."  
Kurt nodded. "Aaand I'm reapplying for NYADA." He reminded Blaine. "But I can't just GO to New York." How could he? He wouldn't even make it in the big city. Besides, why was Blaine suddenly interested in talking about how he'd been feeling recently? He loved his boyfriend, but Blaine had been going on like normal except for those looks he shot Kurt when he thought the other wasn't looking. 

"You don't need NYADA. And believe me, I don't want to see you go, but I just can't stand to see you stay here." Blaine explained. "It's killing you... and that's killing me!"  
'You don't know the half of it...' He thought, coughing slightly. "What about us?" It was a valid question, and a good subject changer.  
"In a year, I'll be there, too, but right now is YOUR time. You're ready!" Blaine grinned like something was about to happen and Kurt knew that face, he smiled as Blaine began singing.   
Once again he sat watching someone else perform. His smile was more genuine that a lot of smiles he'd been giving recently, but his fingers shook, his smile wavered, his thoughts spiralled. This was happening... he was going to go to New York, and fail on his dreams there too, but this time he'd be completely broken when everything fell apart. Completely and utterly without hope, a pure black hole in a universe of stars... But he had to try. He hugged Blaine when he was done singing and sighed softly.   
"I'll miss you so much." He smiled, closing his eyes.

\------------

Burt turned to him, smiling as he stopped the car outside the airport. "All right, as soon as you find a place to live, I'll ship you the rest of your stuff. And you'll get enough cash from selling your car to get you through at least two weeks in a motel, and the emergency credit card, which is only for what?"  
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Emergencies." He sighed. His nerves returning as his stomach did flips. "Dad, this is silly, I don't have to be in New York to reapply for NYADA. So I can find a job that pays me the same amount as Lima Bean, but pay ten times more in rent?"  
"Yeah, because it's an adventure!" Burt reminded him. "Look, all great artists need a little struggle in their lives. Didn't you tell me that Julia Roberts sold shoes in New York before she made it? Good enough for Pretty Woman, good enough for Kurt Hummel." He chuckled. "Are you scared?"  
YES. Yes, yes, yes... he could not be MORE scared... "Terrified."

"New York is gonna be a BREEZE compared to Lima." Burt smirked. "Think about all the crap you've been putting up with for the last couple years... You know the difference between this place and New York?"  
"Decent bagels?" Kurt joked bluntly, trying to calm his nerves.  
Burt shook his head with a smile. "New York is filled with people like you, people who aren't afraid to be different." Kurt smiled at his dad's words. "You're gonna feel at home there. If you're not scared, just means you're not sticking out your neck far enough..."  
"You truly are the world's greatest dad." Kurt grinned, hugging his dad, trying not to shake too much.  
"I know. It's written on the coffee mug you got me for Father's Day." He laughed. "Now, get out of here, you're gonna miss your flight."

"I'm gonna miss you, Dad." Kurt told him, smiling as he climbed from the car.  
"You can always come back." Burt answered, turning to one side and trying to control his emotions until his son was actually gone. "But you won't..." He muttered to himself. He knew his son hadn't been happy for a while, he just hoped sending him off to New York was going to help.  
"I love you." He smiled as Kurt come back to the door with his suitcase.  
"I love you too, Kurt." He waved as his son walked away, heading toward his future. He let him leave before he broke down into tears. 

Kurt was shaking as he headed through the airport, his whole body full of nerves that didn't want to settle at all. What was he doing? He couldn't do this, could he? He'd fail, oh god he'd fail all over again and be stuck in New York... He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He couldn't go back now... Then, an idea hit him... Despite how much fun Rachel said she was having, maybe she'd want her own place instead of living in the dorms? It was always a possibility. He'd phone her when he got to New York and see what she said. 

\------------

"I lied." Rachel's voice came, wet from tears. Kurt's heart sank. "I'm not okay..." She admitted. He knew something was wrong, he should have asked her more questions instead of being too preoccupied with his own shit... His friend had needed him and he hadn't been there for her. "I miss you, and I miss everything!" She continued, finally happy to vent at her best friend. Kurt quickened his pace, knowing where she told him she hung out around this time or when she was feeling down. "My dance teacher's a monster, and I can't even go to my dorm room because my roommate is sleeping with the ENTIRE school." She took a deep breath and Kurt stopped, spotting her across the way. It took all his effort not to run to her right now and ruin the surprise. He smiled slightly, though his hands shook and he hoped she wouldn't see through the mask he'd put up...  
"Why don't you move out and find a new roommate?" He asked, grinning at her scoff.  
"Yeah." She answered sarcastically.  
He couldn't take it any longer. "Turn around." He mumbled, trying to keep the wobble out of his voice. 

He watched Rachel turn to look at him, grinning wide as she spotted him and they ran to each other, quickly engulfing each other in a hug. She almost knocked him over when she ran into him and he ignored the pain in his stomach as she did barrel into him. He hid the stumble by lifting her up. Maybe things would be alright for a while...? Even if things went wrong later, for this moment, it was ok.   
He tried not to have a breakdown, but as she pulled away she wiped at her eyes and her smile fell as she raised a hand to his face, brushing away his tears. "Kurt? I can't believe you're here! But... what's wrong?"  
He shook his head slightly. "No, nothing, I'm just happy." He smiled, preying she couldn't see through his lies. He wanted to just rant and vent at her for hours and hours and let everything out, but then she'd know how bad he'd gotten with everything. He could hardly eat, sleep... He'd been at the lowest of the low and Rachel really needed a friend right now. He gave her his best smile and she chuckled, wiping at his tears again.   
"Come on then, silly! Let's get a coffee!" Rachel smiled, believing his lie. 

"Sure, and then we can discuss a proposition I have for you." He smirked at her questioning look and tucked her arm into his own, smiling as they walked down the street together. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll love it~"


	2. Disappointment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Head to the end notes for trigger warnings!

Sebastian wasn't disappointed. Not at all.   
He hadn't been confused when Kurt wasn't behind the counter at Lima Bean. His smile didn't fall when he realised he wasn't there. He didn't care when he asked the manager about him.   
"Is Kurt Hummel in today?" He asked, flashing a smile.   
"Nah, he quit." The manager shrugged. "Shame too, even though he wasn't interested in the job he still worked damn hard."   
"Did he say why?" Sebastian asked, his smile faltering slightly. He'd been looking forward to throwing barbs at each other, he couldn't really do that if the countertenor no longer worked here.   
The manager smiled. "I thought he had a boyfriend? Leave behind a line of broken hearts did he?" He flashed Sebastian a knowing look and the boy glared at him.   
"Nah, me and him never liked each other." Sebastian shrugged.   
"So why are you here asking for him?" The manager asked, waiting for a response as Sebastian paused. The manager nodded a bit. "Look, all I know is that he said he didn't belong here, he'd outgrown Lima years ago, and he needed to be in the place he belongs." He shrugged slightly. "He had a point, he doesn't belong here. New York is gonna be hit with the Hummel storm and not know until it's left in his fabulous dust." He folded his arms. "That everything you needed to hear?"

Sebastian wasn't disappointed. Nope, no way.   
He simply drove back to Dalton and tried to forget how much he'd been looking forward to having their usual banter again. He totally didn't think about how Kurt had actually gone and done it, he'd left for New York and to follow his dreams, all throughout Warbler's practice. He didn't feel a bit happy for the other boy knowing that while he might have predicted his life right for a couple months, he was onto better things, proving Sebastian wrong.   
No, Sebastian wasn't disappointed that Kurt was gone. Not at all, not in the slightest. He wouldn't miss the arguing or the fights... Or Kurt's tiny laughs that didn't quite reach his eyes and made Sebastian wonder what was happening to that boy... Nope, he didn't care at all about how he'd been having an anxiety attack in an alleyway. He didn't give a crap that the boy had been shaking, and now that he thought about it, skinnier than before. He didn't care that he could see the black bags under the boys eyes when he thought back to their interactions, or that Kurt seemed to have no gusto at all when firing back at him, the hurt, embarrassed, self-hating look that came onto his face when the Warbler's had first walked in...

No, he didn't care, he wasn't disappointed, and he would try to keep telling himself that.

\------------

Kurt had been staying at Rachel's dorm with her for a couple days while they looked for somewhere to live. Rachel had classes most of the time or was hanging out with her new friend, Brody. Kurt didn't know what to think of the boy yet but he seemed nice enough and was a good distraction for Rachel after Finn had been M.I.A for a while. Kurt spent most of his time with headphones on, Rachel wasn't kidding about her roommate, and one time when Kurt went to go buy some healthy food to make for him and his best friend, he'd bumped into the girl.   
"Oh, hi, who are you?" She had asked, resting against the wall.   
Kurt paused, not expecting to run into anyone at this time a day since most students would be in class. "Oh, hi, I'm Kurt-"  
"Rylee finally found a guy to fuck then?" She smirked, eyeing Kurt up and down.   
"Rachel, and um, no, no, we're just friends-"  
"Uh-huh, so, you're available?" She stroked his arm and he stared at her, confused.   
"N-no, no! Sorry, I'm gay." Kurt admitted, shrugging awkwardly.   
She sighed and folded her arms again. "So are most of the guys I've been with. You're cute, bit feminine and not really muscly." She continued and Kurt stared at her with an unreadable expression. "I guess skinny like a model works." She winked at him and he blinked a few times. 

"Ok, I'm gonna go, I have some shopping to do-" He started walking down the corridor, just wanting to get out of this situation.   
"You know it's against the rules for people to stay in other people's dorms." Her voice followed him. He paused, slowly turning to her again. She was stood at the same place, leaning back casually against the wall. "I'd hate for anyone to find out."   
"Please, stop." Kurt sighed. "Look, I've had a very shitty couple months and I'm only here for a couple days, I'm leaving after that."  
"Well then, that's plenty of time-"  
"You really need to stop talking." Kurt warned her, walking back over and folding his arms. "I'm not interested, not just in you, but in girls in general. You can't blackmail me, and even if you did? If you managed to blackmail me into doing anything? That wouldn't be consent." He stared into her eyes, watching her trying to think of a comeback. "I may be at the end of my rope, but at least I have the decency to be NICE to people and not think I have to blackmail them to get what I want." 

"Kurt?" Rachel's voice came from behind.   
He turned to her and breathed a sigh of relief. "Rachel... Hi." He smiled slightly.   
"What's going on?" She walked over, looking between the two of them. "Hi, Tracy."  
"Rachel." Tracy nodded at her. "We were just... getting to know each other." She watched Kurt's reaction from the corner of her eye and smirked at how nervous he looked.   
"Kurt?" Rachel asked. "You ok? You look a bit... worried?"   
"I'm fine." Kurt smiled, shrugging slightly. "Come on, let's go back inside..." He headed back in, his shoulder drawn in slightly. He just wanted to leave this situation, he was so confused but he felt so uncomfortable around that girl. 

He didn't wait for Rachel to follow him and sat down on the bed, trying to get her nerves under control. He took a few deep breaths. He hadn't even gotten a chance to go shopping.   
"What happened?" Rachel asked a moment later when she came in and put her coat down on the chair at the desk.   
Kurt shook his head slightly. "Nothing, it's fine." He sighed, turning to his laptop and clenching his hands a few times to get them to stop shaking. He was so thankful Rachel had turned up when she had, he had a feeling something bad would have happened if she hadn't. "Oh, um, I found a couple places... They're a bit further away than we'd like but they're cheaper."  
Rachel came and perched in the bed next to him, looking at the computer screen. "Lofts? Isn't that a bit weird?"  
"Well small apartments are more expensive." Kurt muttered. "We have a viewing at half four for one of them, haven't heard back from the others yet."   
"It couldn't hurt to look." Rachel smiled, resting her head on his shoulder with a smile. "Let me get ready and we can head over soon, how far away is Bushwick?" She called while she was looking through her small wardrobe.

Kurt went onto google maps and typed it in. "About forty-five minutes on the subway."   
"That's a long way away!" Rachel called back, getting changed. "Are you sure it's not too far?"  
"Like you said, it won't hurt to look." Kurt shrugged. Honestly, anything to take his mind off of things. He'd been left alone with his thoughts for a while and now his mind was spinning because of that girl... He just had to try and start fresh with everything, hopefully this loft was nice enough for Rachel, he just wanted this new chapter to start already.

\------------

"Look, the old tenants left two bikes and nothing else." Kurt chuckled, pulling the bike up. "Wow, they're in good condition, maybe we can sell them?"  
"Good idea, we might need the money for the underground..." Rachel mumbled.   
Kurt rolled his eyes at her. "I thought you said you'd give this a shot?" He nudged her shoulder. "Come on, the landlord said we've got half an hour to look around." He pulled out the key and opened the rolling door. "Wow..." He looked around, pushing one of the bikes inside.   
"I didn't think it would be so empty." Rachel admitted, though looked around, somewhat impressed by the size.   
Kurt got an idea and smiled at her. "This place is big." He placed one of his feet onto the pedal of the bike. He was scared, he hadn't rode a bike since he was young, but he needed some fun now and he had a good feeling about this place.   
"Kurt, what are you doing?" Rachel asked, taking a step forward.

He looked to her. "Come on, this place is huge, why not have some fun?" He smiled, he needed this. He needed to let lose and have a bit of fun. He needed to take his mind off of things. He swung his other leg over the bike and shot Rachel a challenging look.   
She glanced to the other bike and sighed, pulling it in and jumping on as well. "Fine..." She smiled, pushing off and beginning to ride round. Kurt smiled to himself and looked down at the pedals, suddenly nervous, though he didn't know why. "Come on, chicken! It was your idea!" Rachel taunted him and he took a deep breath and pushed off.   
He circled the whole apartment and found himself laughing. 

"This place is enormous!" Rachel giggled, chasing him round.   
"God, for 1,800 bucks a month, we could get a shoe-box in Manhattan or this hangar in Bushwick?" He answered, quickly growing on the place.   
Rachel smiled. "Yeah, but what's the crime rate like in this neighbourhood?" She called out, it had been a bit rough around the edges outside. "It looks a little shady."   
"Ah, it's better than Detroit and Damascus." He shrugged. "So what do you think? Should we take it?" He tried not to put too much hope into his words, but he knew he sounded like he was pleading with her. He really, really needed a fresh start and Rachel needed to get away from those dorms. Especially that girl, he didn't know if everyone else was as bad, but in the couple minutes he'd spoken to her she'd flirted with him, ignored the fact he was gay and NOT interested, tried to blackmail him and completely ignored the lack of consent.   
  
"Are you crazy? Living here with you instead of those dorms?" Rachel asked. He paused, worried for her response. She raised an eyebrow at him, like it should have been obvious where she was going with this and that he shouldn't be looking worried at all. "It's heaven!"  
He laughed and they continued riding for a little while in silence, looking around and Kurt found himself feeling more and more at home. He finally came to a stop when he was feeling tired from pedalling so much. "Ok, should we go sign those papers?" He jumped off of the bike and turned to her.   
"Are you completely sure? It's a lot of change and it's up to you at the end of the day." She asked, getting off of her own bike.   
"Why?"  
"Because if you hadn't come to New York, I'd still be stuck at the dorms." She smiled. "I'm glad you're here. I really needed a friend..."  
He smiled and hugged her. "Come on, let's go sign those papers." He took her arm in his and headed to the door. 

Rachel happily skipped down the stairs. Kurt stopped at the top, turning to look back at the apartment and seeing how they could make it home, furniture, comfy sofas... he could picture himself making breakfast or them both watching musicals on TV. He could see Rachel practising lines or himself... curled up in the corner... crying and shaking. Suddenly his happy home he'd envisioned had dissolved into the past couple months. He shook himself and closed his eyes for a moment, looking back at the empty room. It felt right, and he didn't have to let those thoughts take over if he didn't want them to. He imagined the room full of nice furniture again and smiled. He didn't need to let himself think like that. He smiled and ran down the stairs to Rachel as she called out to him.

\------------

"Oh, New York Domino's is so much better than Lima Domino's." Rachel grinned, happily eating her pizza. Kurt smiled at her but was having a rough time with the fatty food. He'd barely managed a slice and a half while Rachel was on her third.   
"It's the water." He answered, nibbling on the bread treat.   
Rachel nodded. "So, have you heard from Finn at all?"

Kurt offered her a sad smile. He knew she missed him, and in all honesty he missed his brother as well, but he had to make sure she was ok. "Not since you asked me yesterday. He's just giving you your space." He reminded her. He wanted to help her feel better, but there wasn't much he could do. He threw the bit of pizza down, hoping Rachel wouldn't notice how little he'd eaten. Not just today, but every day since he'd been here with her. Though she'd been busy so he doubted it.  
"I know." Rachel nodded slowly.   
"You want to feel nostalgic?" Kurt asked, shuffling around slightly to try and get more comfortable. He knew a few ways to take her mind off of things, he'd had experience for the past few years.  
"Yeah?" She smiled softly.  
"Blaine said they're doing Britney Spears again in Glee Club!" Kurt grinned. He hadn't spoken much with Blaine, the other boy had been busy recently and only got to speak with Kurt for a little while at a time. He tried to keep him up to date though.

"Oh, my God!" Rachel laughed. "It feels like such a long time ago since we've been in the choir room."  
Kurt smiled wistfully. "We are living in the future, Rachel." They needed to move on. In his case he had to at least try. God why did those thoughts keep coming back to him. Here he was with his best friend, just talking shit. He should be happy. He felt somewhat happy in any case, but there was this disconnect. Like he didn't deserve to be happy, he'd failed and he'd keep failing. "Speaking of which, my plan."  
Rachel nodded. "Okay?"  
"I'm gonna re-audition for the second semester in NYADA." Kurt explained.   
"Good." She showed him a friendly smile, and he couldn't help but think the look she gave him was similar to Blaine. At least that's only when they talked of NYADA.   
He decided to just continue and ignore his thoughts. "In the meantime, I've applied for a job at the only place I feel will truly appreciate my sense of style..." He smirked, knowing Rachel was waiting to know where. "Vogue. com!"

"Perfect!" Rachel grinned, happy her friend had a plan. "Are you doing ok though? The past couple months, how did they go?" She asked, her voice softening and there was that look again.   
He wanted to be honest, but with Finn and her classes and her roommate, she needed help more than he did right now. "I know it sounds crazy, But in a way I'm almost glad I didn't make it my first try. You know, I've really learned a lot about myself over the last couple months." A LOT about himself... that was for sure. "I feel like I have a-a newfound resilience and focus." Bullshit. "I don't know, I think I just... need to make myself readjust." He admitted, it wasn't a lie. He needed to readjust himself to his dreams and make himself believe he could actually do it again.   
"I could really use some of that right now." Rachel nodded. "My dance teacher, she just won't let up on me! The other day, she told me I wasn't SEXY enough." Kurt rolled his eyes.   
"Maybe you shouldn't wear a bra to your next class." He suggested, chuckling at her laugh.   
"And take all of the attention away from the Miss. Cassie July? She'd flip!" Rachel smiled. "I can't stand her."

Kurt paused when he remembered where he knew that name from. "Cassie July is your dance teacher?" Rachel nodded, not knowing where he was going with this. "As in, THE Cassie July? aka Crazy July, aka the BIGGEST train wreck in Broadway history?"   
"What?" Rachel asked, suddenly interested in where this was going.   
"You don't know her story?" He stared at her in disbelief. Rachel was supposed to know these things. "Cassie July was THE It girl ten years ago." He explained. "She scored the coveted role of temptress Lola in a high-profile revival of Damn Yankees. Then, during the first preview of the out of town tryout she flipped, she yelled at the audience and took this sweet old mans phone and smashed it with her bat! She completely tanked, nobody would hire her after that!" He paused after he said that. Tanking once could lead to failure forever...  
"No wonder she's always just so angry." Rachel shook her head slightly.   
"You can't give in to her. Not ever. You have to keep fighting. If she wants sexy, give her sexy." Kurt told her harshly, probably harsher than he should have. 

"What am I supposed to do, Kurt?" Rachel smiled at him. "I don't think not wearing a bra is gonna change anything."  
He shook his head. "No, you need to show her you have what it takes. Wear something that shows off who you are and shows her and everyone else that you are as sexy outside as you are inside." He smiled at her.   
"Thanks, Kurt." She smiled, hugging him. "It's late, what are we doing about sleeping?"   
"We can either go back to the dorm-"  
"No way!" Rachel told him.   
"Or stay in a hotel. I'm starting to love this place, but there's no beds or even mattresses yet and if I'm looking for jobs I'm not sleeping on the floor." He smiled and stood, holding his hand out for her. She smiled and took it, letting him help her up. 

\------------

"Don't be silly, let me get it." Rachel smiled. "My dads are paying for a credit card for me, they won't mind. It's cheaper around here than it is in central New York anyway." She handed her card over to the concierge to keep until morning, he didn't say anything, just stared at the two of them. "Thank you." Rachel smiled at him and he huffed.   
"Room 10 and room 12." He told them, throwing two keys down on the counter. They both looked to each other and smiled awkwardly at the man.  
"Thank you." Kurt nodded at him and took the keys.

Once they'd said goodnight to each other Kurt headed into room 12. They had hoped to get the same room, but the man behind the counter didn't seem to like that idea.   
He sighed and placed his bag down on the bed. He'd left his suitcase at the loft and bought some clothes with him for tomorrow. The hotel was quite dingy, but it wasn't bad, it had a bathroom and a bed and seemed somewhat clean so he couldn't complain.   
He headed into the bathroom, getting changed into his pyjamas and taking a quick shower. The water helped relieve his stress and he sighed heavily, resting against the tiled wall. "Can't you just stop...?" He mumbled to himself. "You can do this, and if not, you have Rachel and... and you can always hold her bag at award shows and stuff..." He sighed and quickly wiped at his eyes, angrily trying to get rid of his tears. Why had he thought he could do this? He couldn't do this, he'd already failed, why should he try again just to get thrown down once more. 

He threw up before coming out of the bathroom, annoyed that he still couldn't keep food down. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why did he have to be like this. Maybe talking to his boyfriend would help him feel more like his old self.   
He perched on the edge of the sink counter, waiting for the call to go through.

'Hey, you've reached Blaine's phone, I'm busy right now, but leave a message!~' The answerphone message came. 

Kurt sighed and pulled his phone back down, staring at the picture of himself and Blaine. A few tears dripped onto the screen and he wiped them away, swatting at his eyes and trying not to let himself break down. God, he hated himself right now, he hated that he was letting all of this get to him, he hated that he was changing and had been getting worse and worse since the start of summer. He should be happy now, and he hated getting hung up on the past, but for some reason he couldn't push the past away right now. He had told himself that he just needed to find his footing and his place in New York, but he just didn't know how to do that just yet. Maybe he never would. 

He put his head into his hands, gripping his hair slightly and curling his legs up to him, gasping for air between his tears. He hated himself right now, he was so weak, so stupid.   
He felt sick again and jumped down to the floor, sinking down in front of the toilet and forcing his hand to this throat, just to get it over with.   
There wasn't much to come up but it hurt and his eyes stung with tears. Gagging and letting everything up, he flopped back against the sink cabinet and breathed heavily. He wanted to scream at himself, to just continue shouting and yelling until he felt better, but he couldn't. He had to stay quiet and keep it all to himself. Nobody would understand and even if they did, he shouldn't burden them with his own issues. Looking to the cabinet he opened the doors, looking for something he knew for a fact he'd left at the loft and right now he wished he would have bought it with him. 

Pulling the small shiny blade out of its plastic casing he stared at it. He'd not done this since coming to New York. When he'd had the urge Rachel would come home or Blaine would phone him or something would stop him. He sighed and rolled up his sleeve, looking at the scattering of differently healed marks and scars from the past few months. He'd hated when he'd first started. He'd always had a voice in the back of his head telling him to do it, ever since he was young, but he'd always ignored it. But when his entire being fell to pieces a couple months ago, he had given in. He regretted it, but it did bring a sense of relief and somewhat satisfaction when he did it... and he hated himself for that.   
He placed the blade to his arm and dragged it across slowly, he always started slow, making sure not to lose himself too much to the urge. He dragged it back across, and again in a sawing motion that stung but made him feel better at the same time. He'd tried different ways and the sawing method was definitely a better one. He sighed in relief as he pulled the blade back and stared at the line across his pale skin. He gripped either side of it and pulled his skin taught, making blood bubble up in the wound and slowly dribble down his arm. He watched with fascination as he always did, feeling disconnected from his own body like it wasn't even happening to him. It was like he was an observer in all of this.

He was distracted when his phone pinged. He jumped up, letting the blade clatter to the floor and grabbing his phone, hoping to see a message from Blaine.   
Instead it was an unknown number. He raised a brow but opened the text anyway, thankful for a distraction. 

'Unknown Number - Can't believe you abandoned me, was looking forward to making you have another alley way breakdown ;)'

He paused, then gasped slightly, realising who it was and what they were talking about. The fear that had settled in, pinching the back of his neck in a warm embrace dissipated slightly now he knew it wasn't one of the jocks that used to bully him, or someone trying to mess with him. Well, more than Sebastian Smythe could actually mess with him. He wondered whether he should ignore it, but decided to head to bed and think of a response. He didn't think about the razor anymore as he stared at his phone, rereading the message as he curled up in bed.   
Anyone else reading that would have thought Sebastian was being a complete ass, and while Kurt knew he was being a jerk, he also knew the other boy was just looking for the usual banter they had with each other, and even if it was spiteful and mean, Sebastian didn't mean it the way he once had. After all, why else would he have stuck around the other day while Kurt was having a panic attack? Heck, he even helped him out. 

Kurt was so confused, getting lost in his wondering as his phone pinged again. He quickly looked back to his screen and read the new message, letting out a tiny chuckle. It felt nice to laugh, even if it was at how ridiculous Sebastian was being. 

'Unknown Number - Come on princess, no need to ignore me, then I won't get a chance to say 'I told you so!' when you end up coming back to Ohio :P'

Kurt rolled his eyes and saved Sebastian's number in his phone under 'chipmunk' before replying. 

'Kurt - New phone, who dis?'

He smiled at his own childishness and instantly got a response. 

'Chipmunk - Rude! No way you'd be able to forget the AMAZING fortune teller~'

'Kurt - You wish, Sebastian. How did you get my number?'

'Chipmunk - Strong armed Nick, he breaks easily ;)'

'Kurt - Aaaaand why exactly did you want my number so bad?'

His smile fell as he waited for a reply, but got none. He sighed and decided to watch some YouTube videos before turning in for the night, not receiving another text. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS -
> 
> \- massive self deprication  
\- blackmail  
\- bad thoughts  
\- intense/graphic self harm scene
> 
> Be cautious while reading!


	3. Introspective

Kurt spent the next day sitting in the empty loft while Rachel was out with Brody. He was happy for her, she was making new friends and trying to work on the whole July problem, which was good. He had compiled all of his favourite looks into a folder, including some of his not so great ones with explanations of why they didn't work to show humility and that there was always room for improvement. In all honesty, he felt weird looking at his old outfits, knowing he dressed a tad more subdued now days. He still had flare, but he tried to be more sensible about his looks instead of putting together as many layers as he could. He realised he'd began dressing more 'normally' when Blaine had transferred to McKinley. His first day back on his own he'd worn a reworked straight jacket and top hat which was one of his favourite looks and was near the front of the folder, but as time went on with Blaine at the school he guessed he didn't want to draw way too much attention, especially after Blaine told him about the dance where he got beat up by those guys. 

He sighed, looking at the more outrageous outfits he wore and smiling at himself a little. They were still stylish and on trend with his signature flare, but very over the top. He didn't hate them though, in all honesty, they were him and they were how he chose to express himself. Shrugging, he put the pictures down and looked around the apartment, thinking of what he needed to buy to make the place home. Beds were essential, a sofa, and maybe a little kitchen unit would work. He did have some money to play with and Rachel had said her dads would be willing to send over money for furniture and decorations as long as they tried to keep to bargains and not go crazy. He could work with that, after all he constantly found amazing, expensive clothes for almost 90% off most of the time.  
Deciding the flee market was a decent place to look, and then maybe some of the thrift stores for more decorative things, he grabbed his coat and pulled it on, looking around at where he could invisige everything going.  
Taking a mental note of where he thought was good he nodded to himself and headed out for the subway.

\------------

"What do you think?" Rachel asked, he turned to her, sighing with a small smile. "Am I being too obvious?"  
He put his paintbrush down. He'd gotten the basics for the loft and decided he was going to be getting the bigger stuff once they'd gotten the painting and perhaps the kitchen part out of the way. "He hasn't called you because he loves you, not because he's forgotten about you." Kurt reminded her. "Your freedom is a gift he's given you; accept it."  
She nodded. "I know. It's just so much freedom all at once that it's starting to feel like severe loneliness."  
"The only cure to loneliness is cake." He smirked. Though he didn't feel like eating, especially not something heavy like cake, Rachel could do with a pick me up and a distraction.  
"Cake." Rachel sighed happily.  
Kurt walked over to her. "There's a great Italian bakery down the street."

"You don't mind going out at night?"  
"Oh, no, it's cool." Kurt shrugged. "I guess if I just, you know, walk around like a crazy person yelling at things and twitching, people will keep their distance." Not that he thought people needed an excuse to keep their distance, he'd been told before that he was good at pushing people away. Apparently his personality and his opinions did that too. And he realised people wouldn't try to understand his perspective, more call him trash and throw him to one side.  
There was a knock on the door and he headed over, sliding it open. 

"Well, hello there, kind sir." He smiled at the admittedly handsome boy on the other side.  
"Hey. Uh, I'm Brody." The boy smiled back at him, flowers in hand for Rachel.  
"I'm Kurt."  
Rachel walked over, smiling slightly. "Hi."  
Kurt realised when he was supposed to give people space and decided to take his leave. "I was just going to go get some cake." Brody looked confused but nodded.  
"Uh..."  
"I'll leave you two alone." Kurt fake whispered to Rachel before heading out the door. 

\------------

Kurt had been wondering round for a while now, lost in his thoughts. He didn't know what he was doing or where he was going but he just continued walking, exploring Bushwick in all its horror.  
His phone began to ring and he pulled it up, seeing Nick's name flash across the screen. He smiled slightly and answered.  
"Hey, Nick." He sighed, happy to have a distraction.  
"Kurt!" He heard Nick and Jeff shout through the phone. He shook his head in mock exasperation.  
"What's up, guys?"  
"We thought we'd call you, we heard from Sebastian that you moved to New York?" Nick asked, giddy about just chatting. At least some things didn't change.  
"Yeah, I decided I shouldn't let things get me down and I'm in New York now." Kurt explained.  
He heard them celebrate over the line and smiled to himself. It did make him happier to speak to the Warblers. He hadn't been there long, but he had been close to the others in the group. "We knew you could do it!"

"Oh, I meant to ask." Kurt sighed. "About you giving Sebastian my number?"  
"I'm so sorry! He wouldn't stop asking me, you know how much of a people pleaser I am..." Jeff sighed, guilty for giving away his friends number when he knew how much Kurt and Sebastian had faught in the past.  
"It's ok, Jeff, I don't mind." Kurt admitted. While he had once hated the younger Warbler for the way he acted and the way he taunted him, he realised it was just Sebastian lashing out over something. What he didn't know but even though he was one of his biggest tormentors, he had helped Kurt the other day in Lima and he couldn't quite bring himself to full on hate him anymore. Dislike sure, not agree with, absolutely. Hate? He couldn't. He'd been at the lowest of the low recently and he came to terms with the fact that he shouldn't judge people, not without condemning evidence. And yes, there was a lot of stuff that Sebastian did wrong, a LOT. But Kurt also knew he had friends, and he had apologised for his actions and had come clean to New Directions and had attempted to make amends. And he had stuck to it, strangely enough.  
Kurt supposed that he had to thank Sebastian in a way, he had helped Kurt out when he was on his way to a full blown panic attack and the night before, without knowing it, mind, he had also messaged Kurt and stopped him from going any further with his... bad choices. 

"We thought you would, honestly I was worried you'd be mad." Jeff admitted. "We know you're a forgiving person, sometimes too much, but we thought you wouldn't want to talk to Sebastian at all."  
Kurt agreed, he hadn't expected the witty, snarky 'war' between the two of them to continue after Sebastian had seen him having a full on nightmare which he'd predicted, he'd expected Sebastian to throw an 'I told you so' party, to go after Blaine and try and steal him away, to start back up his old ways. But he hadn't, instead he'd been helped out by harmless banter and random texts.  
"I don't mind, it's been so long since all of that stuff and I honestly think he might have changed?" Kurt admitted, coming to the realisation himself.  
"He actually has!" Nick agreed. "Honestly, he's chilled out a LOT since back then."  
"Yeah, I think that whole Karofsky thing really shook him into realising what he was doing." Jeff added.  
"That's good." Kurt nodded, even if they couldn't see him. "Oh, I forgot about us going to the cinema!" 

"Don't worry! Your dreams come first, Kurt." Nick chuckled. "But hey, when you come to visit we all have to hang out again!"  
"Definitely." Kurt smiled. "I miss you guys, I enjoyed spending my senior year at McKinley, at least up until the last couple days after the NYADA results came through, but I loved being a Warbler and I feel bad that we couldn't hang out as much-"  
"If you apologise right now I'll come to New York just to slap you!" Nick warned him and he couldn't help the smile spread across his face. "You had a lot going on, and we can always hang out more now. We were to blame as well, we all should have tried to keep in better contact."  
"Well, I'll make more of an effort now." Kurt promised. "I'll let you guys get back to what you were doing, have a good night."  
"You too, Kurt!" Jeff called.  
"See you later, Kurt, let us know when you visit Lima~" Nick added.  
"See ya." Kurt smiled and hung up, sighing softly. Everything was so much simpler back then. 

He knew his old friends said not to worry or apologise for not keeping in better contact, but he couldn't help it. They were good friends to him, especially through the transfer and the bullying, and he should have tried harder. He just lost track of everything and everyone once Blaine transferred to McKinley, and their relationship became top priority above all else. He had to make sure it lasted and that Blaine wasn't upset or angry about anything because he loved Blaine and he wanted this relationship to last. He knew what voicing his opinion would do to the ex-Warbler and he found it easier just to try and come to mutual, understanding ground. No mans land. He sighed, thinking of his boyfriend back home.  
He pulled his phone out again, dialling Blaine's number and bringing it to his ear, waiting for a response. He only received a short message that morning; 'Hey Kurt, I miss you! Sorry I missed your call, been busy. Will talk soon x'. Kurt understood, and he supposed once he was busy with stuff like Vogue.com and NYADA - if he got into either of those... he could just end up in a stupid, dead end job like he had in Lima - he would understand and they wouldn't have to talk constantly, every day. They were in a relationship, and it was healthy to give each other space. That's what everyone always said anyway. 

He held his breath as he waited for his boyfriends voice, but not in the way it came. Voicemail, again. He tried not to care, he shouldn't be upset, Blaine had said he was busy. He put the phone back into his pocket and decided to continue walking, folding his arms slightly. And the thoughts were coming back. He hated himself sometimes, especially his brain, and how quick it was to spiral. Everyone always said he was a drama queen, way too dramatic for his own good. He knew he went off the rails easily and got upset about stupid things. But that just meant he cared, right...? Maybe what they said was true, maybe he was just annoying...

He didn't even know if it was ok for him to go back to the loft yet, Rachel hadn't messaged while he was out and he didn't know if she was still busy with Brody or if she just forgot, it wouldn't be the first time... Even though he loved the girl she did forget other people sometimes in certain situations. He decided to just head back anyway, hoping he didn't intrude on anything. But even if he did, he couldn't feel worse than he did now, might as well add some guilt into it.  
When he got back upstairs and closed the door behind himself he looked to the empty loft, Rachel must have gone to the hotel. He looked around and saw the space Rachel had been painting on before, the heart had been painted over. He smiled slightly and headed to the hotel himself, going into the same room as before but not before placing the cake outside Rachel's room. 

He went back into his own room and closed the door, letting out a heavy sigh and dropping his stuff down on his bed, sitting down and sending Rachel a text.  
'Hey, I'm in the hotel, see you tomorrow, maybe we can get coffee before you're at NYADA? x'  
He got a response of a smiley face quite quickly and he put his phone down, staring at the floor for a moment.  
He decided to text Blaine and tell him to phone him or text him when he got a chance and that he missed him, before looking through his recent messages. He'd message dhis dad keeping him up to date with things, he'd messaged Blaine a few times, other than that there was one one recent text conversation, Sebastian. 

He decided to go with his instincts and message the younger boy.  
'Kurt - Hi, Sebastian... I'm sorry if I offended you yesterday, you actually helped me out the other day. I shouldn't be horrible to you. Thanks for the help, I understand if you don't wanna talk anymore, not as if we were friends before or anything.'  
He reread it a few times before pressing send. He shouldn't care what he said to Sebastian, but he knew the other would probably either ignore him or mock him relentlessly for the text and either was better than what COULD happen. Kurt didn't exactly want to think about the alternatives. Unfortunately when he didn't get a response, his mind began wondering and he lay down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark. He wasn't very tired, not able to make his brain shut up, but he resigned himself to try and sleep instead of letting his thoughts wonder all night.

Even though he probably deserved to have all his dreams fall apart and dwell in the darkness his mind had become over the past couple weeks, and it was all too easy, he really needed to at least attempt to not let the bags under his eyes get bigger. So he put on some skin cream and looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He saw the blade still laying on the floor from the corner of his eye, and decided against picking it up, he knew he would probably use it if he did and he just didn't have the energy to deal with the aftermath right now.  
So he ignored it, and looked back to his reflection, the deep circles, the pale skin. To himself he looked the same as ever. Baby fat, rosy cheeks, a few pale freckles dotted across his nose, his piercing blue eyes. But some people had told him how skinny he was now, and there was the worried looks from other people as well... He was probably just making it all up.  
Yeah, that was it. 

He shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment. When he looked back at himself he sighed, glancing at all of the features. The more he looked, the more he picked apart his being. He actually looked a little bigger than he remembered and he shook his head. He chose to ignore it for now, after all there was no way he'd gained weight right? Not with the amount he'd been eating. He sighed and headed into the bedroom again, checking his phone once more and seeing no message at all. He put his phone down after finding some music and laying it on the nightstand, his sleep playlist playing quietly. Music had always helped him sleep, and recently he hadn't exactly been getting a lot of that. So he curled up, sort of hoping it would rain a bit so he got even more chance of falling asleep.  
Closing his eyes and listening to the music for a few hours, he didn't know when he'd fallen asleep, but before he knew it it was time to get up. Well, probably according to the banging on the door and Rachel calling out for him.


	4. Vogue

Kurt sighed and opened the door, smiling to the girl he called his best friend. He knew he definitely hadn't gotten enough sleep, but that was normal recently. "Hello, Rachel."  
"Hey! Sorry about last night, I forgot to text." She smiled. "I would ask if you're ready to go get coffee but..." She looked over his choice of pyjamas - yesterdays outfit. "You ok?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine." Kurt smiled, not reaching his eyes as he pushed his hair back. "Just fell asleep before I realised it."  
That seemed to satisfy the girl and she told him to get ready. "My classes don't start until eleven today so we have a while." She walked back to her own room, telling him to knock when he was ready.   
He sighed, resting back against the door and letting his head lull back against it. Falling asleep in his clothes? Brilliant... He had to be more careful, that would be a massive red flag to anyone who knew him. Well, who was willing to look past his mask and lies. Though he supposed if it hadn't been an issue for the past few months he supposed it wouldn't be now.

He finally pushed himself away from the door and began looking for an outfit to wear for a simple coffee date with Rachel. Once he was ready, he headed down the hall and rapped a tune on his best friends door, waiting for her to answer.   
She came out of the room a couple seconds later and hooked her arm in his. He felt his cardigan pull against the mark he'd made a few nights before, but ignored it, putting on his usual fake smile as he listened to her go on and on about random things. At least she wasn't hyper focusing on Finn at the moment, he supposed that was a good sign. Hopefully that meant he was helping her with the whole problem, he just wanted his friends to be happy. "Kurt?" Rachel asked, and he blinked a couple times, looking to her. "Were you even listening?"  
"Of course!" Kurt lied. "Honestly, I'm glad Brody could help you out with the number, even if it didn't go that well." He told her, that being the last thing he'd heard before he got lost in his thoughts, he felt like a horrible friend.   
Rachel smiled. "I know, he's great. But you didn't answer me!" She looked at him expectantly.   
"Uh..." He fumbled, stopping outside the coffee shop.   
She rolled her eyes playfully. "Where's your head at recently?" She shook her head slightly. "I asked if you and Blaine had spoken recently? He phoned me last night and asked me to tell you to Skype him soon."

Kurt paused, feeling a strange feeling in his chest, somewhat similar to anxiety he realised but he knew it wasn't. "He phoned you...?"   
"Well yeah, he said he wanted to keep me updated." Rachel smiled, though it turned to a frown when she realised he seemed to be lost in his thoughts again. "Kurt?"  
"Hmm?" He looked up at her.   
"Are you ok?"  
"Yeah! Totally, sorry, still a bit tired." He chuckled slightly, turning and heading into the coffee shop before she could ask anymore questions. He quickly put his mask back up and smiled brightly as she stepped into line next to him. "What are you gonna get?"  
"I'm not sure, probably just a latte." Rachel shrugged. "I don't really know a lot about coffee."  
"You have to try the almond chocolate drip." He advised, heading to the counter when they called next. He ordered the two drinks and told them his name, paying before he guided Rachel to the waiting area. 

"I'm just going to nip to the toilet, find us a seat?" Rachel asked and he nodded, watching her walk away before getting his phone out. 

2 new messages

'Blaine <3 - Hey, sorry Kurt, was super tired last night, been busy, can Skype later if you like? x'

'Chipmunk - Lul, gay'

He sighed and clicked on Blaine's message, typing out a quick response. 

'Kurt - Sure, sounds good, miss you! xx'

He usually would have put more effort into it, but Blaine had somehow had the time to phone Rachel but not himself last night? He shook his head, no, he couldn't think like this so early in the day, he knew how well that usually ended... He steeled himself and his resolve back up as the woman behind the counter called his name. Smiling and thinking her, he took the drinks and headed to one of the seats, waiting for Rachel as he looked back at his phone again. He clicked on Sebastian's message, wondering how to take it. He supposed he should take it well, it seemed to be a joke and it felt like the air had cleared again after the silent spell. 

'Kurt - You're the one who text me first, honey :P'

He paused before pressing send, hoping Sebastian would take it as the joke it was. He decided just to press send and if the other boy ignored him again... well, it wasn't anything he wasn't used to.  
Rachel came back and tried the coffee, humming in happiness. "Ok, this is why I trust your opinion on coffee completely! Hopefully this will give me the energy for Miss July's class." She rolled her eyes slightly.   
"I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself, even if it didn't go well at all." Kurt told her, smiling slightly as he sipped at his own drink.   
She shrugged slightly. "I may have gone too far, luckily NYADA has a warning policy."  
"Always a good thing." He shrugged slightly.   
"You would think that, you forgive everyone over everything." She grinned, laughing at his mock offence. "Oh come on! It might take you a while sometimes, but you always forgive people."  
He wanted to argue but he knew he was a pushover, he just didn't like holding onto grudges, he didn't see the point. Life was too short to hate people, and he'd had enough hate in his life anyway. He shrugged, gaining a giggle from his friend. 

He looked down as his phone pinged again. 

'Chipmunk - Only because I could FEEL the need for my amazing zingers ;)'

He actually felt himself smile slightly.   
"Is that Blaine?" Rachel asked, sipping her coffee. He looked back up to her.   
"Oh, no it's my dad, asking how it's going with the loft." He answered, knowing Rachel would definitely NOT accept that Sebastian of all people was messaging him. "So what classes you got today?" He asked as he began typing. 

'Kurt - Amazing zingers? Are you actually a thirty year old dad or something?'

Him and Rachel talked about her classes for a while before a new text came up. 

'Chipmunk - Says the grandma *eye roll*'

'Kurt - Oh, sorry, you're not a 30 year old dad, you just dress like one'

"Oh, I should grab another coffee before I head for the subway." Rachel told him, checking her own phone. "What do you have planned for today?" They both stood.   
"I thought I'd try and plan an outfit for my Vogue interview next week." He shrugged. "Hopefully I can find something good."  
"Your outfits are always stylish, Kurt, I'm sure you'll do fine!" Rachel grinned, ordering another coffee and not seeming to notice how nervous Kurt was about his interview. Though, he supposed, his mask was just that good. Besides, he didn't WANT people to know, especially his friends. It was his mountain to climb. He needed to focus on helping them while not burdening them with his shit as well. 

He walked Rachel to the subway and bid her goodbye, watching as she went off to their shared dream, except he was left behind, waiting for a train that might never come. He sighed, watching the train speed away and turned, stuffing his hands into his pockets when he felt his phone buzz again.   
He checked the device, hoping to see Blaine's name, but it was Sebastian again. He realised he didn't mind at all, after all it was a distraction from everything for a moment. 

'Chipmunk - I'd be a sexy dad, especially if I still look like this ;)'

Kurt rolled his eyes, but a smile made its way to his face. 

'Kurt - your random rugby shirts and basic t-shirts with baggy jeans say differently :P'

'Chipmunk - Just because I'm not advertising that I'm gay~'

'Kurt - Well apparently my 'gay face' does that enough for me so why not make a statement ;)'

Kurt paused as he closed the loft door, being distracted walking the way back, though he didn't mind. But he suddenly felt anxious and he didn't understand why. Then it hit him, this felt like when Blaine had accused him of cheating... The fact that the ex-Warbler had been texting Sebastian much like how Kurt had been texting the other boy for months longer didn't matter, Kurt had messed up and had to be shown that in front of all his peers, who immediately took Blaine's side in it. Ever since then? He'd had trouble texting guys without worrying that Blaine was going to get jealous, or accuse him of cheating again. He supposed that's how he fell out of contact with the other Warblers...

Coming back to the moment at hand when his phone buzzed he let out a shaky breath. He could ignore Sebastian, pretend he was busy which in all honesty, he SHOULD be finding an outfit for his interview right now, or he could continue messaging him and feeling anxious about Blaine finding out. Not that he could, after all he was in Ohio and Kurt was in New York and in way way, shape or form did Kurt, or would Kurt, ever EVER have a crush on Sebastian Smythe of all people, but that feeling at the back of his mind that made his hands tingle and his throat close up warned him against messaging the other boy, through fear of Blaine finding out somehow, and he knew Blaine. He knew his boyfriend well enough to know that even if nothing at all was happening between himself and Sebastian - which it certainly wasn't - Blaine wouldn't accept that, and would think that Kurt had cheated again. His head was reeling, but he decided to click on the message, sliding down the wall next to the door and bringing his legs to his chest. 

'Chipmunk - At least you're gay face is a clear sign, do you know how annoying it is to have girls throwing themselves all over you?'

Apparently it had been a long time without Kurt replying because another message pinged before he could begin questioning whether he should reply or not.

'Chipmunk - Oh wait, never mind, you don't have ANYBODY throwing themselves at you ;)'

Kurt sighed and shook his head slightly. 

'Kurt - I have a boyfriend, I don't need anyone else :)' 

He figured that would annoy Sebastian enough without being too cheesy, and resigned himself to pretending that texting a guy he had no feelings for wouldn't make him anxious every two seconds. Besides, if Blaine found out he could just explain that he ran into Sebastian and decided to give him another chance. Even though he'd almost blinded Blaine, and ruined the New Directions... yeah, no he couldn't explain. He would just have to try and stop thinking about it, and get on with his day of choosing the best outfit.

\------------

He'd spent the entire weekend trying to choose the absolute perfect outfit, while messaging Sebastian every so often and finding he didn't actually hate their conversations. He also spoke to Blaine on Skype a few times, having some movie marathons with him like last time. He felt better now he'd spoken to his boyfriend, though that residual feeling of helplessness and dread still crept in often, multiple times a day. He looked up at the sign. 'Vogue.com', terrified... He couldn't do this, not now, not after everything. It was all too much. He felt his breathing quicken and tried to force it down. 'Deal with it later, Hummel'. He reminded himself firmly. 'Not now...'  
He nodded to himself and before he could change his mind, headed through the door and walked to the reception desk, trying to take it in phases and not panic. Just one step at a time, talk to the receptionist, go upstairs, wait for the meeting, then... the interview. He sighed and put on a smile as he reached the desk.  
"Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel."  
  
Yes, it's just for an internship, but he haven't been this nervous since he auditioned for NYADA, despite his anxiety flaring up all the time and his thoughts constantly spiralling and constantly freaking out about random stuff, but this was BIG, this was his future, his already destroyed mind and soul couldn't take much more rejection.   
"I'm meeting with the new senior editor and designer extraordinaire." He explained to the receptionist. She signed him in and told him where to go, and he nodded, heading upstairs, reciting in his head what he knew about the woman he had his interview with.   
'Isabelle Wright, her stellar reputation precedes her. She's a style maverick. She double-majored in fashion design and dead romance languages. An iconoclast. Rumour has it, She gave Steve Jobs his first black turtleneck. She's Vogue's rogue.' He bit his lip and worried it with his teeth, waiting to be called inside. 

"Miss Wright will see you now." A stylish woman spoke, startling him. He nodded slightly, standing and smoothing out his carefully chosen outfit, trying not to think about how he hated it now.   
He stood at the door, took a deep breath, and pushed into the room. "Hello?"  
"Columbus." A pretty blonde woman spoke, looking up at him from the paper - which he assumed was his CV - on her desk.   
"Excuse me?" He asked quietly, not sure how to take that.   
She smiled excitedly. "You're from Lima; I'm from Columbus!" She stood and shook his hand. "And actually, I once got food poisoning in Lima at some Italian place, it was Bread..."  
"Stix?" Kurt finished for her.  
She grinned again, pearly white teeth showing. "Breadstix, yes!"  
Kurt stared at her in disbelief. "I can't believe you ate at Breadstix." He muttered, starstruck at finally meeting the Isabelle Wright.  
"Well, I wish I hadn't." She shook her head slightly, that relaxing, warm smile still in place. "Isabelle Wright." She finally introduced herself. 

"Kurt Hummel." He nodded, taking a seat when she motioned to it.   
"So, Mr. Hummel, I have to tell you, I am very impressed with your online resume, especially this gallery of you and your rather bold clothing choices." She showed her tablet where she was looking through the folder Kurt had decided to photocopy and put online instead of just in the hand written notes and folder. He had used to keep a fashion blogg as well and managed to find some of his looks that he'd even forgotten about on that. "Where did you find all this?"

"Well, I-I made most of them, and searched the Internet for bargains." He explained, reminding himself to appear calm. "And, uh, that half-sweater there at the bottom, that belonged to my dead aunt, and I found it in her attic. And the embroidered calico vest was actually inspired by one of your designs."   
She smiled kindly at him, impressed with what he'd done with the outfits. "Oh, yes, my quilted micro skirt collection. It was an epic fail."  
He shrugged slightly, offering a tiny smile in return. "But like you said in Vanity Fair; 'I don't trust anyone who hasn't failed big at least once'."  
She laughed a little. "So, I'm just gonna ask you a couple of routine questions I ask all potential hires." He nodded, scared. "Who are your fashion icons?"  
He felt a bit relieved at that, he was worried it would be full on interview questions which he always hated. He was so glad his dad ran the tire shop in Ohio, that way he could work and earn some money without having to do the whole interview thing. "Audrey Hepburn, Michelle Obama, and not to kiss up or anything, but... you."

"And have you done any writing on fashion?" She continued, taking notes as they went along.  
"Self journalism, mostly." Kurt admitted, worried it wouldn't be a good enough answer. "I did weekly updates and, um, blogs on Project Runway since season one."  
"And, wave your magic wand! Where would you be in four years?" She continued, watching him as he answered this one.  
He almost paused, not sure any of his dreams could come true now, but he had to answer and he decided to put all his dreams out there as realistically as possible. "Working here part-time, graduating from NYADA and, uh, starting my first Broadway show." He felt himself flush a little at that, looking down slightly. "I know that sounds presumptuous."  
"No." Isabelle told him, almost stern. "Frankly, you should be MORE presumptuous, you know?" He nodded slightly, but felt confused, always being told his dreams were too big for him. "This is New York; It's for dreamers!" She explained, as if sensing his puzzled thoughts. "It's for people like you, who are just starting out, and people like me who very much want to re-invent themselves. No, you should dream." She smiled, and Kurt found himself relaxing every time she did. "You should dream very, very big. And then you should work incredibly hard and make sure you do everything in your power to make it happen." He nodded slightly at her words, feeling a little better about everything in general. "Look, Anna hired me because she said that the Web sites that I designed for my collections were inspired. So neither myself nor my team can let her down, and that includes you."

  
He paused, staring at her. "Me?"  
She giggled. "Well, listen, my friend; anybody who can pull off a hippo brooch deserves to be here." He felt relief wash over himself, he had picked the right outfit after all, and she even wanted to hire him! Out of all the outcomes that had been floating around his head, he hadn't even thought of getting the job. "So, welcome to Vogue.com!"  
They both stood and she went to shake his hand, but he couldn't help but hug her. "Thank you! Thank you so-!"  
"Oh, you're very welcome." She chuckled slightly, taken back by the hug.  
"Sorry!" He quickly said, pulling away.   
She smiled that smile at him again. "It's okay. It's okay." She tapped the hippo broach. "That should come with a warning."  
"Oh, it did." He mumbled, looking down at it. 

  
\------------  
  
Isabelle had shown him around the office and introduced him to who was at work today before explaining his role and setting his first job, coffee.   
He was to stay in the next meeting with them and make coffees for whoever wanted one, she explained that she knew how he would probably feel about that, but she trusted that soon he'd be climbing the ladder if he stuck at it. And after being given this opportunity, Kurt was DEFINITELY more than willing to make people coffee for a while.   
She he stood in the meeting, watching and listening as he waited on the sidelines for someone to ask for coffee.   
  
Isabelle sat at the head of the table, a few people around her, all with pads of paper and pens. "I think it's time we tackled something that we have been avoiding for far too long, and I think you all know exactly what I'm talking about." She told them, once she got no response she explained. "Leather. Leather, but in unexpected ways. Pitch me."  
"Okay, it's coming to me." One of the men spoke up. "It's coming to me... It's Italy! 1944! Belts as punishment, belts as reward. 'You can't have a belt! You - put a belt on!' It's faux-fascist, it's pair it with a chunky boot." He smirked, satisfied with his input, but Kurt couldn't help but be confused.  
"Okay, belts were two years ago, and chunky boots were five years ago." Isabelle responded. "While we're on the topic of the verboten, I would beg all of you to please, please not offer up a leather platform. Chase, you know I love you, and I-and I love that you're filled with so much passion!" She told him quickly. "so I'm definite-I'm going to-I'll keep thinking about it, of course."  
He nodded. "Okay."

Isabelle turned to one of the girls. "Um, Daphne?"  
"Leather socks. Suede underpants. Cowhide brassieres." The girl answered, as if her head were in the clouds. Somewhat akin to Brittany, Kurt thought.   
"Daphne, did you go off your meds again?" Isabelle asked kindly.  
"Yes."  
"Then I want you to stay off because that is sick!" She beamed. "I mean good sick. That's the-that's the kind of sick I want you to be. You know, that's exactly what I'm talking about, everybody. I don't want any rules; just toss them!" Kurt watched her talking, knowing she felt uncomfortable. He didn't know why, or how Isabelle Wright could be anxious, but he couldn't do anything, and while he would love to speak up, he knew it wasn't his place. Besides, it was his first day and he was only an intern. "You know, let's think out of the box." Isabelle continued. "Or maybe I don't know... Maybe that's-maybe that's too far out of the box. Okay, why don't we do this?" She sighed, moving some stuff around. "Let's, uh we'll-we're going to take a a little break, and then we will-we'll revisit the topic of leather, okay?" She stood and turned to him and he felt worry come over him, not knowing what was happening. "Kurt, can I can I see you in my office?" He nodded, and they headed to her office again.

She rested against her desk and turned to him. "So, what did you think of the ideas in there?"  
"Fascinating." He watched her tilt her head slightly, not believing him. He let out a huff of air. "I hated them." He admitted, waiting for her to shout at him or something, but she simply ran her hand over her face. "Look, I-I know I'm just an intern, but I feel like 'unexpected leather' should be in the back pages of The Village Voice." He explained, his apology evident in his voice.   
"No, I know, I agree, but Mand-Mandy, you know, the receptionist, every time I walk by her, she suggests that I do an article on trends in animal hide." Isabelle explained, looking worried. "And then her cat died. Did you know her cat died? So, what, am I going to say no?" She let out a soft sigh. "So now I'm stuck with leather."  
"No, you're not." Kurt argued before he could stop himself. "There are a million different ideas." He backtracked when she looked up at him with an unreadable look. He couldn't sotp himself though, he actually felt somewhat like his older self. "Uh, we could do a music video that pays tribute to the most cutting-edge fashion, right?"

She nodded slightly. "Well, I told Chase Madison that I would do his piece on Spanx for cankles...; 'Spankles'."  
"Oh, God." Kurt muttered, not sure what else to say.   
Isabelle sighed again, deflating slightly. "I'm an artist, not a manager..." She confided and he let her. He didn't know why she picked him, maybe the same reason everyone picked him to be the shoulder to cry on, but being Isabelle Wright's shoulder to cry on? He felt wanted for the first time in a while. Still anxious and like he could lose his one chance at this job at any moment, but wanted all the same. "I-I can't say no to anybody! I can't bear it. You know, I'm-I'm used to knocking on doors, not bolting them shut! Back in the day, if I had an idea- a crazy idea- I knew if it was good based on my instinct... And now crazy ideas just seem crazy to me." She looked to the floor before looking back up at him like a child looking for guidance. "You know, like, uh, uh-uh, high-heeled galoshes or, um, equestrian underwear- what? And I can't-I can't land anything. I just feel like I lucked into a job that I don't deserve, and I honestly, I-I-I-I have no idea what I'm doing!"

Well, Kurt knew that feeling all too well. He watched her resolve quickly fall apart and just saw the scared, out of her depth woman underneath and his heart felt for her, he really wanted to help.  
"My collection was a failure." She explained, almost grimly. "I can't fail at this. And I just rented a one-bedroom apartment in Midtown so I could walk to work, but now I'm not going to have a job to walk to or an apartment to walk from! I'm going to be homeless!"  
"Hey, hey." Kurt finally interjected, not willing to let her self-depricate herself anymore. He hated it when people put themselves down. He had to help, even if she wasn't one of his friends and was, in fact, his new boss, he couldn't sit by while anyone was going through something, no matter how small or big it seemed. Everyone deserved to have their issues and problems listened to and accepted for what they were; problems. And even if it seemed insignificant, they were still problems to the individual person and shouldn't be belittled. "You are not going to be homeless. All right?" He shrugged slightly. "You can always come stay with me and my roommate in Bushwick."  
"Oh, God." Isabelle put her head in her hands.  
  
\------------  
  
"Yeah, I swear it." Rachel was telling him as they ate take out that night. He didn't feel up to eating, but made it seem like he was. He didn't want to burden anyone with his issues, they didn't need to be dragged down with him. Besides, people had it worse than he did. He didn't realise how much of a hypocrite he was to himself for that line of thinking, but he continued to believe it. He probably always would. "It was like a deleted scene from The Exorcist that was cut because it was actually too scary."  
"Oh, chilling." He smiled slightly, listening to Rachel explain about three of the girls at NYADA picking on her and her fashion choices.   
"And then I tried-I tried to be, like, nice and, you know, smile... but then the black swans said to me 'I didn't know Lena Dunham was joining us today'." She explained it all to him, the hurtful words, the horrible people. She sighed once she was done. "You know, part of why I was so excited to come to New York was because I thought it would be a chance for me to start over, reinvent myself. I had no idea that it was going to be so exactly the same."

  
"You know why you feel exactly the same?" Kurt asked her and she looked up at him. "Hmm? Because you're still dressing exactly the same." He put his Chinese down so he could show he was giving his attention properly. "We're not in Ohio any more, Rachel. And even then, it's not like we were on trend." He remembered what everyone said to him. He knew his outfits were outlandish, but they were on trend in places like New York. He doubted they'd EVER be ready in Ohio for that sort of fashion. "I hate to say this, but life is like high school, styles and clothes determine the pecking order."  
"Well, I don't know what you expect me to do, it's not like I can afford an entire new wardrobe." Rachel rolled her eyes slightly.   
He got an idea and looked back to her. "Who says you'll have to pay for it? Put down your chopsticks and follow me." He quickly stood, not really waiting for her to catch up with the conversation before he grabbed his jacket and pulled it on. "I got an idea." was all the explanation he would give.   
"It's almost midnight." Rachel sighed, coming over and joining him. "What are you talking about?"  
"I'm about to change your life." He told her, trying to reassure her. "And maybe mine, too..." He muttered.

\------------  
  
"Oh, my God, this is crazy!" Rachel half-whispered to him as they snuck through the halls.  
"Take a picture of me." Kurt joked.   
"Come on, quick, quick, quick!" Rachel giggled.   
Kurt turned to her. "Check this out, this is unbelievable."  
"Wait, I'm scared." Rachel told him, pulling him back slightly. He continued walking. "Don't leave me... Oh, my God... I can't even breathe."  
"They call this the Couture Vault." Kurt explained. "It supposedly can withstand a nuclear blast!" He wondered in, looking around. "Okay, I'll set up the camera."  
  
"Freeze!" A voice came from behind and they both turned as quickly as possible. "-Kurt." It was Isabelle.   
"Oh, uh I thought you were going to be at dinner with Steve Buscemi and Yoko Ono?" Kurt answered, not sure how to explain properly.  
Isabelle nodded slightly. "Well, they cancelled again. What are you doing here? And who is that?"  
"I'm Rachel Berry- I'm Kurt's roommate." Rachel explained when Kurt paused, worried he'd lose his job. "He-"  
"We were going to do a music video for the Web site." Kurt explained, finding his voice again.  
Rachel nodded. "He adores you." Kurt glanced at her, confused as to why she had to say that.   
  
"Rachel was going to get a makeover, and she was going to model some clothes-"  
"Stop, stop." Isabelle sighed, before a smile crept onto her face. "Stop, stop, stop... You had me at 'makeover'."  
  
\------------  
  
"And that was just the rough cut." Kurt explained as he lay down on his bed with his laptop. He'd spent the day editing the video, and decided to show it to Blaine.   
"No, it's genius." Blaine answered, nodding. "And Rachel looks so gorgeous, the whole thing looks so like, professional, like a real fashion video that you'd seen on TV or something. So what's the next step?"  
"Well, uh, ideally the dream would be that Isabelle would see it, and love it, and then put it on Vogue.com." Kurt thought about whether that would actually happen. He could only hope. This was the first thing he'd felt really good about since he first auditioned for NYADA, and everyone knew how that went. He didn't want to get his hopes up too high of course, he knew how it felt to fail, over and over, but he had an amazing feeling about this and he would love to be right for once. He saw the way Blaine was looking at him, his smile looked overly kind but he couldn't be sure. Still, it threw off his confidence a bit. "But I mean, she's already committed to so many other concepts that-"  
"No, Kurt, of course she's going to choose yours." Blaine told him, trying to reassure him. "She's gonna pick yours."  
  
"And then, after we made over Rachel, Isabelle took us to this place called 'Gray's Papaya' and we had guava juice and hot dogs!" Kurt continued, actually feeling excited, happy, somewhat content for the first time in months. He didn't want to annoy Blaine by continuously talking about it, but he couldn't help it, he felt like it could go somewhere. Even if that anxiety would always be there, he realised that maybe he could have some hope for some of the projects he could do.   
"Wow." Blaine nodded.  
"It was amazing." Kurt smiled at him, waiting for Blaine to tell him something about back home, he'd had his turn, it was his boyfriends turn now. Even if the past few days Blaine had talked about himself and the glee club, having to run before Kurt could start talking about how nervous he was. He didn't mind of course, but he was happy that he could talk about the day he'd had with his boyfriend for the first time in a while.   
  
"You're hanging out with fashion goddess Isabelle Wright and I'm running for Student Body President with a former stripper." Blaine sighed.  
Kurt perked up, watching his boyfriend as he spoke. "Oh my gosh, I forgot about that! How's it going?"  
"It's going okay." He shrugged. "But, um, I did want to ask you what bow tie you thought I should wear for tomorrow's debate? I have narrowed it down to five, but mainly-"  
Kurt knew Blaine wouldn't like his choice anyway, he always picked whatever Kurt didn't, so he'd learned over the years to just either say one and wait for Blaine to pick another, or tell Blaine that he would look good in anything he picked. "I know bow ties are your signature, whatever you choose is gonna look great on you." He smiled and Blaine looked down, nodding slightly. Kurt was about to ask him what was wrong when Rachel come in, walking past Kurt's room.   
"Hi, Blaine, we miss you!" Rachel called out, heading for the bathroom.  
"Oh, Rachel says hi." Kurt smiled, turning back to his boyfriend.   
"Oh, hi, Rachel." Blaine answered, putting on a smile.   
  
Kurt rmemebered something he needed to ask about the video, perking up again. "By the way, one more question about the video?" Blaine gave a short nod and Kurt got lost in his project again, just so happy to have something that made him feel somewhat needed. "That scene where she plays the East Village It Girl? did you think that was too much?"  
"No, it's I don't know." Blaine shrugged.   
"Oh, good, good, good." Kurt nodded, smiling. "Cuz I didn't either, but she was a little sceptical. But I said she was very Chloe Sevigny chic, right?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Good. Yeah."  
"Yeah."  
"And then, oh my God, I found this sweater in the vault that was to die for!" Kurt pulled out his phone so he could show Blaine the picture of the sweater, which Isabelle had said he could have. He was just so happy with Vogue, even if it was just early days, he felt like he belonged. He hadn't felt that in a long time, and it gave him a small respite from feeling terrible all the time. Don't get him wrong, he still felt like he was falling, sinking in a sea of overwhelming 'I don't know how to do this, how do I live anymore?' But at least now he had a good distraction, that he was actually apparently pretty GOOD at.   
  
\------------  
  
"Kurt, can I see you for a minute?" Isabelle asked the next day. Kurt froze, sudden anxiety taking over him. He nodded slightly and walked into the office, his legs feeling like lead as he headed in. "You might want to sit down for this." Isabelle smiled that kind smile, but it didn't fully help him calm down this time. "I saw your video, and I forwarded it to Anna."  
"Am I fired?" He asked before he could even think.  
Isabelle showed him her phone, with the email, just a single word 'great'. He looked up at Isabelle, wondering what that meant. "That is the first time that I've heard "great" from Anna!" She explained, grinning. "I am gonna print that and frame it."  
"Does-does this mean...?" He couldn't make his brain catch up.  
"they're gonna put the video on the Web site? Sort of." Isabelle shrugged slightly. "We're gonna re-shoot the whole thing in Bali with Karolana Kurkovai, but you're getting credit for the idea!"  
  
Kurt couldn't help but grin, feeling a rush of happiness wash over him that he hadn't felt in so long. "Oh, my oh, thank you, thank you so much!"  
"Thank YOU." Isabelle smiled, resting against her desk.   
"And thank you so much for helping out with Rachel." Kurt continued, remembering how his best friend had been so happy that night, yesterday, and this morning. "She went home that night and threw away her reindeer sweater, which is a huge deal for her!" They both laughed a little. "And, she already seems so much more confident, you know? It's so funny how a new image can change everything."  
Isabelle let her smiled soften, warm and caring. "Oh I sure hope you never lose that."  
Kurt tilted his head slightly. "What?"  
"Oh, just your unbridled, wide-eyed, Lima, Ohio optimism." She shrugged slightly. "You know, I had an instinct about you, Kurt Hummel, and so far, it's proven to be correct. I feel like we're real kindred spirits, don't you?"

Kurt paused for a second but nodded. "I agree. Can I please just say that I think you're the best-dressed fairy godmother an intern like me could ever have?"  
"Well, then, can your fairy godmother give you a little bit of advice?" Isabelle asked, and he nodded quickly. "You have quite the aptitude for fashion. And I know it's your dream to go to NYADA, but sometimes dreams can change, and I really would not be surprised if someday, every A-lister in this town was fighting for one of your designs."   
Kurt paused, not sure what to say. She stood and walked round the desk, ready to lead them to the next meeting when Kurt's phone pinged. She chuckled and told him to answer, she didn't mind.   
He smiled and pulled his phone out, seeing a message from Sebastian. 

'Chipmunk - I don't believe that's Rachel in that video, it can't be. Like seeing Idena Menzel go from Wicked Witch to Elsa in Frozen...'  
  
Kurt couldn't help but laugh a little at that. Isabelle giggled from over his shoulder. "That your boyfriend?" She asked, smiling.   
"Nah, just a friend." He didn't know how to feel about that, it was the first time he'd admitted to Sebastian being his friend and for some reason it didn't make him feel sick or angry saying it. It seemed right. Isabelle's phone began to ring and she asked Kurt if he could answer it while she grabbed her notes for the meeting. He nodded and walked to the phone. "Vogue.com, Isabelle's office, how can I help?" He asked, picking up on what people said when they answered the phone.   
"Holy shit..." A familiar voice came through, though he couldn't quite place it.   
"Hello?" Kurt asked, not sure what else to say to that response.   
"I recognise that high-pitched voice anywhere, Hummel." The voice came again and he wracked his brain to try and place it fully.  
  
Isabelle came over and held her hand out for the phone, probably clicking on to how confused Kurt seemed and she smiled at him, knowing exactly who was phoning. "Hey, 'Bastian." She sighed into the phone. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"  
"Sebastian...?" Kurt muttered to himself and Isabelle nodded a little.   
"He's my nephew." She whispered. "Ok 'Bas, I have a meeting now so you and Kurt can catch up later. You can also both catch me up as well, seen as you both somehow seem to know each other! Bye, 'Bas." She hung up and Kurt was still staring at her, not knowing what to say. "Later." She explained. "We have a meeting to go to."

They headed to the meeting room and Kurt stood to the side, waiting for any coffee orders.  
"So which 'leather' pitch are we running with?" One of the women asked.  
Isabelle looked at them all, something coming over her face as she let out a tiny sigh. "Oh, actually, you know what? We're gonna toss the whole thing and start from scratch." She told them, and everyone stared at her. "We're gonna meet here in two hours. Oh, and, um Kurt will be joining us."  
Kurt stared at her, confused, before he looked at the other members of the meeting, who looked equally confused, and some of them outraged. "I'm famished. Let's go to Indochina." She stood, waiting for everyone to follow her.   
  
\------------  
  
"So, how do you know Sebastian?" Isabelle asked as they sat down, sipping on wine.   
"Well, I transferred to Dalton when I was getting bullied, he wasn't there then, but I met my boyfriend there and he liked to go visit his old friends there, I guess he never thought to invite me even though they were my friends as well." He shrugged slightly, taking a sip of wine. "So one time he went and met Sebastian, and I have to admit, at first we didn't get along, he kinda liked Blaine and I had the feeling Blaine liked him as well, so for a while me and Sebastian were like, mortal enemies." He let a small smile come onto his face. Isabelle chuckled as well. "But before I came to New York this month I kinda had a bit of a breakdown, and - even though he told me not to tell anyone, and even though he didn't want to - he was there for me, and I guess bickering like we used to but with no maliciousness behind it helped me out." He shrugged slightly, knowing it was a weird story. "Since then we just sorta started texting and everything, and yeah, that's about it. Well, the short version anyway." He looked down, realising he'd been rambling a bit.   
"Cute." Isabelle smiled. "'Bas can be a bit annoying at times, but I'm glad you've seen the good side of him." She took a sip of wine. "He used to be so angry about everything when he came back from France, it's good he managed to make friends - even if you didn't get along well at first."

"Yeah, he's not as bad as I thought he was." Kurt smiled, tapping his glass against Isabelle's when she lifted hers.   
"I'm glad you decided to come to New York, Kurt." She admitted. "I know it must have been difficult and I've seen how that mask of yours slips when nobody's looking. But I believe in you, and I know you can do great things."  
Kurt smiled at her, trying not to let tears come to his eyes. He knew what she said was true, she did truly believe in him, she appreciated him and he felt so welcomed at a place where he thought he'd be shunned. Maybe everything was coming up Kurt for once? He looked to his phone as Isabelle began talking to someone else. 

'Rachel x - Kurt, I know you're probably busy but FINN'S HERE! Please come back when you can? xx'

He stared at the message, before excusing himself. "I'm so sorry, Isabelle, my brother's just come back from the army-"  
"Go, go! Honestly, it's fine! I'll see you at work in a couple of days, ok?" She smiled that smile and he nodded, thanking her again before rushing out of the restaurant, jacket in hand.  
By the time he'd managed to run to the subway, he saw spots in his vision and his breathing took longer to settle than usual. He shook his head slightly, but it only made him feel more dizzy. Thankfully his train was there and he jumped on, thankful at this time a night there weren't many people going to Bushwick. 

He forced himself to sit down, taking deep breaths and trying to clear his head, he honestly felt like he could pass out, which was strange. He was used to rushing around all time? Maybe it was because of his lack of appetite recently? Yeah, that had to be it. Or maybe he was just unhealthy. He sighed, resting his head back on the seat. Forty-five minutes and he could see his brother again... He looked at his reflection in the glass and sighed. Maybe he really was unhealthy, if his reflection was anything to go by. Baby fat, somewhat chubby in places, rosy cheeks. He thought if anything he'd be losing weight, he'd had to take most of his clothes in at least a couple times and shopping had become difficult when he had to go for even smaller sizes. He shook his head, he'd just have to be more careful. 


	5. Break My Heart, Break My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one gonna be sad bro, the tags apply a lot for this one, you've been warned

Kurt rushed up the stairs when he arrived back at the loft, sliding the door open and smiling when he saw Finn. "I can't believe you're here!" He closed the door and let his brother hug him.   
"Hey, Kurt!" Finn smiled, though there was something behind it. Kurt had had his fair share of bad emotions and he could tell that Finn was feeling down. He'd lived with him for so long he knew the tells, even if Finn didn't know his. Though there was something else to the look besides just hidden emotions... Worry? Confusion? Kurt decided it was probably in his head a brushed it off, offering them both something to drink.   
Rachel offered him a small smile and agreed to a decaf coffee. He headed to the kitchen and started chatting with Finn about this and that, updating him on Burt and Carole, and Vogue when Finn asked. Rachel was staying awfully quiet and once they'd all had a drink, her and Finn retreated to the bedroom. Kurt sensed something was up, but he didn't want to get involved, so he put on some music and worked on some of the notes he'd taken in the last meeting, seeing how the ideas went around at Vogue.com, and hoping to gain some insight before he had to go back to work in a couple hours. Even though Isabelle had told him to take the rest of the day off to see his brother, he didn't want to miss out on being included on a meeting and not just getting coffee. 

So he studied and went back to the train not long later, he would have said something to the other two but he didn't want to disturb them from catching up. He watched out the window as everything flew by, trying not to sink into this own thoughts get the better of him. He'd missed Finn, he really had. He missed when they were all in school and it was so much simpler. When he would sit with Finn, Sam and Puck, watching them play video games while he read a magazine, and letting them peer pressure him into playing as well, when he'd kick all of their asses and laugh at their confusion.   
Or just sitting and watching TV with his brother, Burt and Carole, just laughing and joking and singing along to random films. His own little family...  
After Finn left for the army, and he failed to get into NYADA, he'd stopped sitting with Burt and Carole, stopped playing video games with Sam and Noah, and stopped interacting with most people except Blaine. And even then? He didn't feel like he was fully there. Like everything was numb and far away even when he was in the moment he wasn't really there. Everything just felt out of reach to him. At least now he had Vogue, something to bring him back to reality and distract him, something he knew he could do even if he'd lost faith in himself. 

He jumped up when he almost missed his stop, once again lost in his thoughts. He was just happy he invested in a year-long train pass for the subway, that way he paid a certain amount a month and didn't have to worry about paying every time. He also wasn't limited on the amount of trips he could do in one day, so heading home to see Finn for ten minutes and then coming back was fine and so much less expensive than it would have been. 

\------------

"Kurt? What are you doing back here?" Isabelle asked as he rushed in. She watched him catch his breath and gave him a moment to do so.   
"Finn's gone to bed, catching up with Rachel." Kurt huffed out, not sure why he couldn't catch his breath. Yes, he'd ran down two blocks and all the way up the stairs, but he used to be fine with that. Maybe he was being unhealthy recently, even if he hadn't been eating much Rachel had insisted on trying most of the take-away around Bushwick, and that couldn't be healthy. Besides, his reflection said more to him than having to take his clothes in did. After all, the mirror couldn't lie, right...?   
"Calm down, come over here." Isabelle said softly, leading him to her office and handing him a glass of water. "How far did you rush from?"  
He shook his head slightly. "I'm fine, just thought I'd miss the meeting if I didn't rush." He shrugged. "Sorry..."

"Don't apologise, I'm happy you're excited for the job!" Isabelle smiled that smile. "But just make sure you take care of yourself. You're gonna be on your feet a lot and rushing around all over the place with what I have planned for you, so don't put so much pressure on yourself!"   
He nodded and offered a small smile, his breathing finally beginning to return to normal. "Did I miss the meeting...?" He asked once he'd calmed down, taking a sip of water.   
"We're meeting up in ten minutes." Isabelle explained, grabbing her notes.   
"Can I ask you something...?"  
"Of course, what's up?" She turned to him, raising a perfectly waxed brow.   
"Why did you ask me to join the meeting...?" He asked, his voice small and - if she didn't know any better - scared.

She tilted her head slightly at him, and for the first time she realised just how in his own head he seemed. She let out a soft sigh, her eyes growing more kind. "Because, you've helped me so much since you've been here. And I see so much potential in you! Even though your styles are wild and some may say crazy, I love all of them." She watched for his reaction, and just like she though, he seemed so surprised to hear praise. At that point to vowed to herself that Kurt would be a special interest to her. He needed more help than he let on, and she guessed that he did have a better mask on than she thought he did, maybe to the point where his friends didn't even notice anymore. "I think you need Vogue right now, Kurt."   
Kurt looked down slightly, biting into his lip. "It is nice to feel like I'm not just here in New York with no purpose." He admitted. "And I do love it here, even if I've only been here a couple days."  
"I think Vogue needs you as much as you need it right now, and I would be lying if I said I didn't see myself in you. You have such a keen eye and you shouldn't be so scared all the time, you're talented, and I heard you singing in the Vault as well, you could become such a star one day. Whether in fashion, or music, or Broadway. Don't put yourself down." 

He paused, not sure what to say to all of that, so he simply offered a small smile.   
"That's why I asked you to join the meeting." Isabelle smiled back. "Now, we should probably go to said meeting before they wonder where we are, here, a notebook and sketchbook and a pen and pencil, if you have any ideas while we're in there don't be afraid to speak up, or if it's something that you might be on the fence about, just do a sketch or write down some notes and come ask me later. But don't think your voice won't be heard here." She gave one last smile before she left the room.   
He stared at the supplies she'd given him and felt tears coming to his eyes, quickly swatting them away. He let a shaky breath exit him before he steeled himself, squared his shoulders and put his mask and walls back up high, heading out of Isabelle's office and to the meeting room. He looked through at everyone, talking about ideas and everything as Isabelle herself headed in and got their attention, and he took one last deep breath before pushing the door and entering the meeting. 

\------------

"Hey." Rachel's voice came from behind and he turned and smiled at her.   
"Somebody slept late, it's lunchtime." He told her. Truth be told he'd only gotten home a few hours before, having headed down to the Vault for some alone time, Isabelle had agreed and just told him to lock up after. He had spent the time just meandering round, looking at all the fashion and trends and making a list of things he'd love to keep if Isabelle would let him, or at least borrow. He also tried to text Blaine a few times, but his boyfriend wasn't answering. It was fairly late he supposed, half eleven at night... Maybe his boyfriend was busy? Or maybe he'd been talking about Vogue.com too much. He decided to message Sebastian back after hours of not doing so, and he laughed at the amount the other boy had been confused as to how Kurt had known his cousin.   
When he'd gotten home he thought he'd collapse into bed and not wake up, he'd been looking through the Vault for hours, and hadn't known when the sun came up since there were no windows. It was already nine in the morning when he arrived back at the loft, and even though he was tired he couldn't fall asleep. So he'd done a bit of tidying, cooking, had a shower, anything to distract from his spiralling. "Do you want a croquet, Madame?"

"We didn't go to bed till late." Rachel explained, accepting some food.   
"Thank God for earplugs." Kurt joked, he had been listening to music since he got back, not wanting to hear any of what the other two were doing. He also happened to know that Finn snored a bit and he didn't exactly like the noise. "I love you both but I don't want to hear any of that."  
Rachel shook her head. "We didn't do anything... He didn't even talk to me, we just, like, laid there." She explained. He turned to her, seeing how lost she looked. He offered her a warm smile, looking up at Finn as he came out of the bedroom.   
  
"I'm gonna take this down to the park and watch drug deals go down." He smiled, not wanting to interrupt on their time together. He knew what it was like to be the third wheel and he didn't want them to feel uncomfortable with his being there. Even if he wanted to spend time with Finn while he was here. He had a feeling he wouldn't be staying, not for too long anyway. "It's good to see you again, Finn."  
"You, too, little brother." Finn nodded with a small smile.   
\------------  
  
Kurt spent the day wondering New York. None of the big landmarks because he didn't want to be around that many people at the moment, but he headed around Central Park, taking in everything. Once of the good things about Lima was the nature, and in New York there wasn't as much. There was a small park near their loft, but he had seen some shady stuff going down around that area, so he didn't really want to hang around there too much. Even if it was a nice space.   
He took note of any shops he might want to try at some point, even though he hadn't actually bought a lot of new clothes recently, not feeling up to it, but now he'd had enough time to look at some of the shops in central New York and the thrift shops especially, he knew he should probably go into it and try and get back to his normal self. 

He'd also decided to jot down any sites he'd like to see once he felt better with crowds, there was an adorable book store he just had to go in, and he picked up a few new books. He'd put them in the stand below the TV, where they seemed to be just for decoration because people made fun of him when he'd read, but now he had some new material for when he couldn't sleep at night or needed to distract from his thoughts instead of just watching TV again and again. 

He bought himself a cute new flat hat and some nicely designed suspenders which went well together and he could use with some bold colours to make a nice, subtle but outgoing outfit. He felt a bit better about himself now, so maybe he could start trying to create some more 'out there' outfit choices, but for now he was happy being subtly out there.   
He headed home early evening, ready to have a chilled out night before work the next day. He included himself in the conversations Finn and Rachel were having, but he made sure not to interrupt and to give them both their space. Finn seemed to be asking him a lot more questions but he just answered and tried not to look too far into the fact that his brother was glancing at him when he thought he wasn't looking or paying too much attention to his magazine instead. It was making him somewhat uncomfortable, like Finn was judging him for something. He remembered his reflection in the subway and tried not to think about it, but the way Finn looked at him with worry, it made him feel gross. Fat and ugly and completely out of his depth because he'd already not been eating hardly anything due to just no appetite at all. He'd even forgotten to eat today and the day because he was just nervous and felt nauseas all day. 

Eventually he retreated to his room and closed the curtain, curling up on his bed and trying not to focus on the looks Finn had been giving him, or the fact that he felt so disconnected right now. Like nothing was there but everything was too loud, bright, painful. He hated it when he had days like this, but he knew it was a risk of walking around by himself all day. But he didn't want to burden everyone else with his stupid non-important issues just because his head wouldn't let up and his body and heart was quickly being dragged behind.   
He shook his head, looking up to see that it was dark outside. He didn't know how long he'd been curled up in his bed, staring into space but it had to be a couple hours at least.   
He would have returned to his usual coping methods over the past couple months, but he worried Rachel would hear him throwing up, and he wanted to try and go as long as he could without hurting himself in any way. He'd realised that including scolding hot showers, or scratching at his arms or legs when he was anxious. Even digging his nails into his palms was the same but he didn't realise when he was doing that one. 

He turned over, pulling the quilt over himself and deciding to try and sleep, hoping that would get rid of the itch for now. At least he'd be at Vogue tomorrow again, so he'd feel a lot better with so many distractions. Isabelle had also said she wanted him as her personal assistant, even if it was still an intern roll as well it had filled him with pride. And he should let himself feel good, but there was something that had a grip over him which just wouldn't let him.   
But, he was grateful in any case, and he knew he would enjoy being an assistant more than he'd enjoy just getting coffee for people. He closed his eyes, forced the tears down, and tried to force himself to sleep no matter how much his mind protested.   
  
\------------

"Hey, stranger." Kurt smiled, hearing Blaine's voice for the first time in a couple days. He'd missed his boyfriend so much, and couldn't wait until he visited New York.   
"Hey." Blaine answered.   
A new call came through and Kurt sighed. "Crap... Can you hold on one second?" He pressed a button and used the usual intro; "Isabelle Wright's office, how can I help you?"  
"Um, it's still me, Kurt." Blaine's voice came again.   
"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry." Kurt sighed. "Uh, look, I've taken over Isabelle's phones for the week, and they just won't stop ringing." He had been trying not to panic all week but he just reminded himself of The Devil Wears Prada, with time he'd be so much better. He'd already put a system in place to deal with the calls and organise everything in terms of importance for Isabelle. But hearing Blaine's voice just distracted him as usual, and he forgot completely what he had been doing. It's like his boyfriend demanded all his attention without even meaning to and Kurt was always willing to give it.   
He heard Blaine sigh. "It's-it's okay." But he could hear the disappointment in Blaine's voice and he tried not to feel bad, but he couldn't help it. Maybe he hadn't been giving his boyfriend enough attention...? He'd tried, he really had, he'd been trying to phone and text, but apparently their plans always clashed. "If you want to call me back later, we can talk then."  
  
"I can't." Kurt sighed at himself. 'Way to be a great boyfriend...' he thought, running a hand over his eyes. "Isabelle says we have to get the column on the Web site by midnight tonight." He waited for a response but Blaine wasn't giving one. "Look, I know this is frustrating. It's frustrating for me, too, and I don't want to miss our phone dates but, you know, this-this could be a career for me." He knew that wasn't a valid excuse for turning his boyfriend down, and he felt bad that he was being such a bad boyfriend and best friend to Blaine.   
"I get that; I-I do." Blaine answered, but his tone was hurt and Kurt didn't know what he could do to fix that. He needed this job, he felt somewhat alive for the first time in months, he couldn't just give that all up for his boyfriend, could he? "I really get it. It's just I really miss you... a lot, okay? I miss talking to you and I miss hugging you and I miss messing around with you."  
"Me, too." He nodded, he had been trying, he'd been trying so hard. He'd tried to phone Blaine multiple times yesterday, no reply, he'd tried to Skype him the night before when he was at the Vault, no reply. He knew Blaine had a life so he didn't want to smother him, but he thought he'd made an effort? Maybe not good enough... "But you're coming in two weeks, right?"

He looked down as another call came in, realising he was supposed to be working right now. "I know, but what am I supposed to do until then, just hold my breath?" He vaguely heard Blaine say but he needed to go, Isabelle trusted him, even though he'd only been there for just under a week, and he didn't want to let her down.   
"Shoot, Joan Didion's calling." He explained. "She always has the best gossip." He knew it wasn't the best explanation but Isabelle loved hearing the gossip and if he was honest, he loved hearing the beef people had in the industry, or the parties that had gone down and the shenanigans that happened at said parties. He knew Isabelle would be mad if he didn't get every bit of gossip. "Um, all right, I will call you or text you on a break, okay?"  
He was waiting for Blaine to protest, but he felt relieved when he answered with a simple; "Okay." Even if Blaine sounded upset, he had a job to do. And he could feel terrible about being the world shitest boyfriend later.  
"Okay." He smiled, opening up the next line, not hearing Blaine's little 'I love you.' as he continued on with work.  
  
\------------  
  
That night they all hung out at the loft again, all the while Kurt tried to ignore that itch and stopped himself when he realised he'd been scratching softly at the side of his neck for a while. He just explained he was tired when the others asked if he was ok, because he was being quiet. Finn had explained about the backpacking and had a conversation with Kurt about how nice Georgia was and about where he'd explored in general.   
He had to head back to Vogue for an after work meeting/mini party Isabelle had set up to catch up after the week in about two hours, so for now he just wanted to relax and ignore those urges, at least for the next few hours until he was home again, and then he could work on ignoring it for the rest of the night. 

He bid Finn and Rachel goodbye when he headed out, seeing how comfy and cosy the two of them were on the sofa, curled up with each other and his fluffy blanket, watching TV. He couldn't help but smile a little. Even though there seemed to be a little bit of tension between the two of them that wouldn't leave, it was cute to see them together and so close for the past couple nights, even if he had a feeling it wouldn't last long. Rachel had explained that when Finn first came round it was when she'd made Brody dinner, and Finn was being distant with her. Kurt understood, but he knew where both sides were coming from in all of it. He was glad they hadn't tried to rope him into any arguments or anything. He loved helping them out, but being asked to choose between your best friend and your brother? Especially when one or the other would be mad at him for 'helping'? He didn't think he could deal with that right now. They both just needed to rekindle that thing that had been broken from being separated for so long. 

He headed into the office, smiling as people greeted him. He was happy he was fitting in, and people were starting to recognise him as well.   
Isabelle smiled to him as he walked into the conference room, getting handed a glass of champagne from one of the other interns and he thanked them, heading over to Isabelle but not wanting to be intrusive, he stood off to one side, looking around at everyone.   
Isabelle didn't let him stand there long and dragged him over to join in, surprising him, but he wasn't complaining. They began talking gossip with a few other people and Isabelle was in the middle of a story when Kurt's phone began to buzz. He saw Blaine's picture flash up and frowned a little. He'd been trying to phone him all night, but now that he was back at work he was phoning back. He didn't want to be rude, he'd explain it to his boyfriend later. Hopefully he'd understand and they could Skype in a couple hours when Kurt got home or something, it was only a couple hours, it couldn't be that bad, right...?  
He swiped no on the call and turned back to the conversation, laughing at what Isabelle was saying, sipping on his drink as he included himself again, trying to ignore the guilt he was feeling. Only a couple hours, he would let Blaine know as soon as possible. 

\------------

"Dude, I'm not wearing a suit for a night out on the town." Finn complained, making Kurt sigh, though there was humour behind it. "I didn't even bring a suit."  
"Finn, you can't wear dad jeans and a rugby shirt to Callbacks." He tried to explain, yet again.   
"What's Callbacks?"  
Rachel came over when Kurt began lint rolling his red jeans. He actually loved the outfit he'd picked, maybe he'd wear it more often. Very simple but still fabulous. The red collar and jeans and the rest of it black, it was really nice and he actually felt like he looked good as he watched himself in the mirror. Black was slimming after all... "This amazing bar that all the NYADA students go to, and Friday nights are the best because everybody gets up and sings, and it's where we're going tonight, and it's gonna be great." Rachel explained, and Kurt couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm. And Finn's playful eye roll. Even if Blaine hadn't responded all day, and his voice had been going straight to voicemail the past couple hours, he tried not to think about it, he was here with his brother and his best friend. Blaine was probably busy. 

And even if he hated himself for making Blaine upset - the night before when Kurt sent a text explaining what was happening, Blaine responded with a simple 'ok' with no x's or anything - he should just try and enjoy his night out with his friends.  
"So I have to dress up to go to a karaoke bar?" He heard his brother saying and chuckled slightly.  
"Come on, Finn, we'll let you sing 'Don't Stop Believing', or something equally uplifting." Kurt smirked at Finn's dramatic reaction. He'd apparently influenced Finn more than he thought while they lived together.   
"I don't-I don't know." Finn shrugged. "I'm so out of practice, I haven't even sang in the shower since Nationals."

Kurt nodded in understanding, he didn't exactly sing as much anymore, though he still practised. A knock on the door sounded and he raised a brow at the other two, wondering if they were expecting anyone. They both shrugged and continued getting ready, so he headed to the door and slid it open.   
"Surprise!"  
"Blaine!" He almost screamed, seeing his boyfriend stood there in front of him with a bouquet of flowers.  
"Hi." The ex-Warbler smiled that smile and Kurt felt himself melt, wrapping his arms around Blaine's neck in a tight hug, sighing softly. He felt so confused but happy, he'd missed his boyfriend so much, and he was so happy that he was here.   
  
He pulled back, looking over his boyfriend. "This is amazing! But I wasn't expecting you for another two weeks."  
"I know, I just couldn't wait any longer." Blaine explained and Kurt smiled, accepting the flowers and heading to the kitchen to put them in the vase on the table. "I miss you too much." Blaine added, wrapping his arms around Kurt and he chuckled, turning in his arms and loving being so close to his boyfriend again. There was something in Blaine's eyes that he tried to ignore, there was something there, he didn't know what it was but he knew he was probably reaching for something, it was all in his head. They'd been away from each other for so long that he was probably just out of practice with reading him, that was all.   
"Oh, I miss you, too." He smiled and rested his head on his boyfriends shoulder, shuddering when Blaine planted a small kiss to his jaw.   
  
Blaine pulled away when he heard Rachel excitedly talking to someone and he turned to see who.   
"So good to see you!" She ran over, enveloping him in a hug. He hugged her back. "Wait! I can't believe you're here."   
"Here I am!" He smiled at her, noticing Finn.   
"Oh, Finn! What are you doing here?" He asked, heading away from Kurt and to the other two.  
"I'm not really sure at the moment, but It's fantastic we're all together here." Fin replied with a small smile.  
"Just like the good old days." Blaine answered, smiling as well. 

Kurt headed over to them when Rachel continued trying to get Finn ready to go. "You okay?" He asked Blaine, taking his hand. He may be out of practice with his boyfriend but he could tell when something was up. "You seem a little..."  
"I'm-I'm great." There was that smile Kurt had fallen in love with, but there was something else he was sure of it. He wouldn't push it thought, no matter how much he wanted to help his boyfriend through whatever he was going through. "It was just a it was a rough flight. I had a middle seat because I booked the ticket so last-minute."  
"Well, I, for one, am glad you did." Kurt slid his fingers in between his boyfriends, kissing his cheek with a small smile. "It's our first night out in New York. We'll never forget this." He let himself be open, he had been so excited for Blaine to visit, he wanted to make new memories with his boyfriend in the city he loved.   
  
\------------  
  
Blaine smiled at the waitress. "Uh, Coke and, uh..." He looked to Kurt.  
"Oh, amaretto sour, please, virgin." He rolled his eyes at everyone's judgemental looks, even if they were for fun he didn't like them all staring at him. "It's good." And he could always go walking again tomorrow, maybe with Blaine, to burn off the calories of the juice and everything.   
A familiar face walked over and smiled. Everyone nodded to him. Kurt liked Brody, he realised, he was nice and polite and had helped Rachel when she was feeling down.  
"Hey, Finn, Rachel." Brody smiled at everyone.   
"Brody, hi." Rachel offered a small smile, and Kurt saw Finn's hand wind into hers.   
"Hey, Brody, good to see you again, man." Finn smiled, politely, but Kurt knew he was worried about Brody. And even if he knew Rachel would never do anything with Brody, and Brody didn't seem like he would ignore the boundaries set while Finn was in the picture, Finn did worry about that sort of stuff, especially after all the Quinn stuff and Rachel kissing Puck a couple years ago.   
"Yeah, you too, you too." Brody smiled at Finn. "So, how's the, uh, visit been going so far?"  
  
"Amazing." Rachel grinned. "I took him to school to get the full NYADA experience together."  
"Cool." Brody smiled. "Well, in that case, I hope you're singing tonight. You haven't really been to NYADA until you've sung at Callbacks."   
Rachel nodded quickly. "This is what I've been trying to tell him, and I really, really want him to sing 'Give Your Heart a Break' with me, but-"  
"But I'm not a student, so..." Finn shrugged.  
Brody smiled at him, genuinely which made Kurt think he was a better guy then he'd first thought. He may have liked Rachel, but he was respecting the fact that she was with Finn, and still wanted to be friends with her, and in turn, Finn. "Well, you're with Rachel, which makes you honorary, and I'm buddies with Pascal, the piano player. And the song works better as a duet, so-"  
"Well, why don't you guys sing it together?" Finn interrupted and everyone looked to him and his somewhat hostile tone. "It's a NYADA tradition, right? And you guys are both NYADA students."  
  
"Finn..." Rachel mumbled, looking to him, sighing at his dismissive shrug. "Yeah."  
Brody nodded a bit. "All right, let's do it." He headed to the piano to talk to his friend and Rachel turned to Finn again.   
"I love you." She reminded him and he smiled, kissing her shortly and watching her head to the stage.   
Kurt had to admit, Rachel and Brody worked well together, and he glanced at Finn. He didn't know if his brother was trying to self-sabotage his relationship, but he seemed as if he was realising something. He'd been the one to tell Rachel to sing with Brody after all, but there was something in him these past couple days that had told Kurt he didn't want to be here, and while he loved Rachel he had to find a way to tell her that he needed to find himself. Maybe he was testing Brody to see if he was good for her while he was away.   
He clapped when they were done singing and they came back over to the table.   
  
"Oh, my God, you guys." He smiled brightly, it had been so good.   
"It's so amazing up there." Rachel beamed. "You have to do your Sweeney Todd mega-medley!"  
"And risk a Page Six spread? I don't think so." He made the excuse. He didn't want to get up in front of all these people, but also didn't want them to be suspicious, so he tried to hide behind his usual bitchy self. "A 'Vogue.com intern sings without warming up', is NOT happening."  
"I want to sing something." Blaine suddenly blurted out and they all looked to him. Kurt knew something was wrong, he just didn't know what. He furrowed his brows, looking at Blaine with that look, the one that told him to just explain what was going on. But when Blaine didn't say anything, he just looked down at the table.   
  
"Yeah, just, uh, ask Pascal." Brody smiled, leading the way to the piano.   
"How was I? Was I good?" Kurt heard Rachel ask Finn, but he couldn't concentrate on that, he watched his boyfriend, worry absorbing him. He hoped his boyfriend was ok, he loved Blaine, and he didn't want anything to be wrong. He put on a smile as Blaine looked to him, but it didn't reach his eyes.  
"Yeah." Finn nodded.   
"Um, hi, everyone." Blaine's voice came from the stage, and everyone clapped. Kurt watched him closely, not knowing what to think. If something so bad was happening with Blaine but he didn't want to tell him, what would he do? He just wanted to be there for his boyfriend. "I, um I want to sing a song that's very special to me. This is a song that I sang the first time I ever met the love of my life." Blaine explained and looked directly at Kurt. He flushed, smiling at his boyfriend. Blaine had never been overly open about being gay in public, though he assumed because it was New York and a NYADA bar then maybe Blaine felt more comfortable? "Um, so, Kurt, this is for you."

Kurt smiled happily when the first couple sentences of 'Teenage Dream' played, but his smile fell the more the song went on and the more Blaine's vocals cracked. Something was wrong, something was bad, something wasn't right and he needed to help, to do anything. He felt tears come to his eyes, he had a bad feeling, he didn't know why, but he did. he didn't know what to do, he just kept listening, his eyes wet and his jaw clenched.   
he felt so useless and out of his depth as he watched his boyfriend break down, watching Kurt as he sang.   
He didn't know why he felt like this, he'd never felt this upset watching his boyfriend perform. Something. Was. Wrong.  
  
\-------------  
  
Kurt waited until they were in the park to slow down their walking, walking a fair way behind Rachel and Finn. He didn't want to start this conversation, worried about what could be so wrong. He loved his boyfriend, he trusted him, he wanted Blaine to trust him too, what would be so bad that Blaine didn't trust him? He was sure whatever it was, he could help him through it, he just wants to help him...  
"So, that was moving." He forced himself to start, looking to Blaine. "I guess I'm kind of wondering why that was."  
"Well, you know, I, uh I really missed you." Blaine put on that fake smile again, and Kurt saw right through it, but he smiled a little.   
"I miss you, too." He told him honestly. "And I'm really glad that you're here... But you've been so emotional and weirdly sad." No turning back now. "Please stop pretending that there's nothing wrong."  
  
There was a pause, and he saw the cogs turning in Blaine's head. "I was with someone."  
  
He felt everything shatter.   
Cracks crept in all night, cutting in and ripping apart and now, at the very edge of breaking, everything fell to pieces.   
He felt the dark roll in, his breathing hitch, his eyes wet with tears. He stared at his boyfriend as his hands began to tremble.   
"It was Sebastian, wasn't it?" He heard himself say, not knowing what else to say. He loved Blaine, he had ALWAYS loved Blaine. He knew they'd not been as close since he came to New York, but it had only been two weeks... his heart felt like it was cramping, his chest tight and painful, like somebody had punched right through him. Every muscle felt tight, and he felt so disassociated to everything, like this was all a dream, that he was going to wake up.  
  
But it wasn't true, everything was broken. Everything was wrong, and he felt the itch make its way through all of him. None of the progress he'd made at Vogue and toward feeling happier, none of that mattered now. Not Isabelle's kind words, or Rachel's confidence that he would get into NYADA, none of it mattered.   
He felt like he was sinking, dragged down by a heavy weight and there was no way of not drowning.   
"No, it it wasn't Sebastian, but it doesn't It didn't mean anything." Blaine answered, tears in his own eyes. And Kurt hated that he felt bad that Blaine was upset. "It was just a hook-up, okay?"  
"Who was it?"  
"It doesn't matter who it was with, Kurt!" Blaine almost shouted at him and Kurt flinched. "What matters is that I was by myself. I needed you. I needed you around, and you weren't there. And I was lonely, and I'm-I'm really sorry-"   
It couldn't be his fault, Blaine's words couldn't be true... He'd tried to phone, text, Skype. He'd tried to listen to everything Blaine wanted to talk about, he'd tried to be there. He TRIED. Maybe not hard enough... He made himself breathe, not realising how difficult it felt. He was gonna be sick, he needed to throw up, he felt so sick. "You don't think that I've been lonely? You don't think that I've had temptations? But I didn't act on it because I knew what it meant!" He tried to take a deep, shaky breath, but it clipped and he just forced himself to continue. "It meant something horrible and awful and-"  
"-I'm so sorry, Kurt, I really am!" Blaine interrupted, and Kurt walked away. He couldn't do this, he needed to leave, he needed to be somewhere else. 

He walked quickly, not caring if his boyfriend was following him. Of all the things that could have been wrong... he thought Blaine was in trouble, or something bad had happened to him. But he was wrong. And Blaine had said it was all his fault, that he hadn't been there for him, that he had been in the wrong for following his dreams. He shouldn't have left Ohio, he should have resigned himself to failing his dreams, kept working at Lima Bean, let everyone mock him and put him down, let everyone judge him for not following his dreams. At least that way he wouldn't have ruined his relationship, he wouldn't have lost the love of his life, he wouldn't have destroyed everything...

He didn't notice there were cars as he went to run across the road that lead toward the loft, he froze when someone honked at him and whipped round when someone yanked him back out of the road. It was Finn... It looked like he'd been crying too, something must have happened with Rachel.   
"F-Finn? Are-Are you-"  
"Calm down, just breath..." Finn answered, realising his brother was struggling to breath.   
"Are you ok...?" Kurt mumbled, and Finn stared at him.   
"Are you?" He asked and Kurt nodded slightly, even as tears streamed down his face and his body shook. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to force himself to suck it up, just relax, be there for your brother... but when Finn pulled him into a hug, Kurt let himself go, sobbing into his brothers chest. He felt a couple tears drop into his hair and realised Finn was crying as well. He shook, his legs felt weak and he wanted to vomit, he just felt so disconnected, all he could feel was overwhelming, all engulfing, pain. His chest convulsed with it, tight around his heart. 

Finn took them back into the park, to a different area so that they were away from Blaine and Rachel, and sat them down when he realised Kurt might collapse any moment.   
He let his brother breath, relax.   
"Dude, you don't have to speak, and it's probably a stupid question... but are you ok? You almost got hit by a car, for god sake..." He asked when Kurt was mostly calm.   
The smaller boy messed with his hands, rubbing at his palms and trying not to scratch. He gave a tiny nod. "'M fine..." He mumbled quietly, sniffling. "We should go back..." He stood and Finn quickly stood as well, standing in front of him.   
"You're not ok, Kurt." He was watching him with those eyes. That look of worry he'd had for the past couple days. "What happened?"  
Kurt looked up at him, his arms wrapped firmly around himself. He felt so numb... "Blaine cheated." Was all he said before he headed away, going up to the loft and not caring if Finn followed. 


	6. I'll Keep Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read the trigger warnings for this chapter!
> 
> Thanks to all the kind feedback and everything, I'm glad I finally decided to write this fic
> 
> Also, this chapters a little shorted than the others, sorry!

Nobody tried to get him to come out. Rachel and Finn had something going on, and he'd usually go and try and help, but right now he couldn't will himself to breathe let alone stand.  
He didn't even know how long he'd stayed there, curled up in the bathtub, his legs to his chest and his hands shaking as they scratched all over him. He knew it wasn't enough, he didn't want to go further, but he knew he would. He turned the shower on, just to avoid anyone hearing him doing this. He knew Blaine was probably back by now and he really didn't want to go out there.  
Just the thought of seeing him right now made his chest tighten.  
He tried to muffle his sobs and he grabbed his razor, taking the fresh blade out of it in shaky hands, staring at it for a moment before bringing it to the top of his arm, not even thinking about it before pulling it across, leaving a deep gash near his shoulder, but it didn't help. He continued crying and cutting, blood dripped down and mixed with the water in the tub, like watercolour paint mixing with water, but soon the red overtook and he was gasping for air, anxiety taking over as the razor clattered to the floor and he gripped his hair, curling up even further on himself, smearing blood all over him. But he didn't care.

He couldn't think about anything but Blaine. Blaine, holding hands with another guy, kissing another guy, FUCKING, another, guy. It was all he could see when he closed his eyes, he could hear Blaine's noises, some random guy with him. He didn't know what to do, he knew he'd need to talk to Blaine properly, but right now, he was so tired. Exhausted, even.  
His arm began throbbing and he pulled it back slowly, staring at the open wounds. Some were very deep, not enough to kill him, but enough to leave him feeling weak. The room smelled of vomit and bile, he had had nothing to throw up other than the one drink he'd had, but he couldn't stop gagging for the first half an hour he'd been in the bathroom, and every time his mind went back to what happened, the feeling of bile rising returned and his gag reflex wouldn't stop and he had to try and not vomit his guts up again. He really didn't want to get out of the bathtub now.

He looked down at himself. His cute new outfit was now a reminder of what happened tonight. He wouldn't be able to wear it again, he couldn't even bring himself to like it anymore.  
The blood was seeping into his trousers, he could feel it on his legs, staining his skin. He was cold and hot all at the same time, but he just felt numb. Like there was nothing, all around him.  
He continued to sit there for a while, watching the blood still ooze from his arm, slowing down now.  
He knew it wasn't enough. He didn't know what else he could do though, he usually felt at least a bit better after doing something, but this was big. This was life ending, relationship destroying, big. And it was his fault... He knew he was to blame, he felt guilty so he must have been the reason.  
He would stay here for most of the night if he could, but four people in the loft meant people would need the toilet at some point, besides, someone might notice he was gone. Maybe. Probably not, but he could always hope.

He closed his eyes and rested his head back on the rim of the tub, letting out a shuddered breath. His entire body was shaking and he was still having difficulty breathing properly, but the tears had dried up and he just felt exhausted.  
He wanted to sleep right now, but his brain wouldn't shut up. And even though he didn't care, he couldn't lay here all night, soaking in his own blood and water, shivering and overthinking things.  
Sighing, he stood on shaky legs, almost slipping over, but he didn't care. He stepped out of the tub, sitting down on the outside, on top of the black towel Finn had left in there earlier - thankfully blood wouldn't show on black - and bringing his legs to his chest.  
Well, that was some progress at least. He sighed, his mind hurt, felt like bees were swarming around in there and white spots dotted his vision. He knew he shouldn't have cut that deep. He knew it wouldn't kill him, but he was feeling very weak now. He felt the bile rise up his throat once more and turned to the side, bending over the toilet and gagging, heaving a few times, but there was nothing to come up.

Tears streamed down his face once again and a frustrated sob ripped through his throat.  
Everything had been taken from him. NYADA didn't want him, his brother left, everyone pitied him, he'd washed up, he ruined everything, Blaine hated him, that's why he'd cheated... it had to be. Because Kurt was such a disgusting, ugly, fat, terrible person, who ignored his boyfriend so much that he ran to another man who was better, would ALWAYS be better, than himself. Because he was trash, he wasn't worth anything, he was a loser, a freak, the worst person in the world.  
A knock came to the door and he jumped, looking to it, thankfully it was locked. "Hey, Kurt? You gonna be much longer?" Finn's voice came. "Sorry, I really need to pee?"  
He let out a strangled sigh and clenched his eyes shut, knowing he had to move now.

Forcing himself up once again on shaky legs, he used the sink for support.  
"Almost done!" He managed to call back, but even he could hear the exhaustion in his own voice. He almost tripped when he turned to the shower to turn it off, banging his knee, hard, on the side of the tub. He bit his lip, deep, trying not to shout out in pain. He gasped a few times, trying to calm down again as he turned off the shower. "Just need to get changed..." He called out so Finn would know he was ok and wouldn't be long.  
He stumbled to the floor, tripping and landing on his knees as he grabbed his pyjamas that he'd bought in with him before he locked himself inside. He got changed as quick as he could, thankful he'd grabbed a black long sleeve and burgundy trousers. Good colours for hiding blood... He pulled them on, almost falling a couple more times and he could see the black closing in on his vision, but he kept pushing himself.

He looked in the mirror, he looked pale, and disoriented, the deep circles that had come in under his eyes were now so much more noticeable and blood beeded on his lip. But other than that, he was sure he would look fine.  
He washed his hands of blood and nodded to himself, doing a once over of the bathroom and hiding the razor, making sure there was no trace of blood left in the tub, before heading to the door and pulling it open, moving past Finn quickly, muttering a 'sorry'.  
Finn gripped his arm, turning him back to face him. "Dude-"  
"I'm fine." He said before his brother could even ask. He tried to pretend he wasn't in a fuck tonne of pain from Finn's hand on his arm, among other things.  
"I don't think you are, dude... You're so pale!" Finn answered, worried.

"It happens when I'm sad, it's fine... honestly." Kurt shrugged slightly, Finn's hand leaving his. "I just need some sleep... Are you feeling better?"  
Finn let out a sad chuckle. "It's not me that needs worrying about, Kurt." He shook his head slightly. "Get some sleep, I'll see you tomorrow..."  
Kurt nodded slightly, heading into his room and ignoring the fact that Blaine was even there as he walked in, shakily closing the curtain behind him and walking round the bed to his side, laying down with his back to his boyfriend. He could feel Blaine's eyes on him and he stared at the wall, waiting for him to fall asleep.

\------------

That night was rough. Blaine eventually fell asleep, and Kurt got back up. He looked at the clock, 4:15am. He'd laid down at 3:45am, it was still fairly early. He couldn't just lay there, the itch was all over him and he needed to stop it, stop his brain from needing scratching. He got up, quietly, though he knew Blaine was a heavy sleeper, the opposite of himself, and he headed to the kitchen, grabbing the small, sharp knife he had there. His favourite... Maybe it would help more than the razor had.

By the time he woke up, laying next to the toilet, dried blood all over himself, his phone was pinging every so often as he tried to come to.  
When his vision finally came to and stopped blurring, his focus went to his phone. He continued to stare at it for a moment, tears streaming silently down his face, before he slowly reached across the floor to get it. The dried blood tugged at his fresh cuts on his arm and he didn't have the energy to care, he looked at his phone.

'Rachel x - Night, Kurt, I don't know what's gonna happen between me and Finn now, but I'm glad you're always here for me, have a good night with Blaine x'

Apparently she didn't know about what had happened... He clicked on the other messages.

'Nick x - HEY! I know you said you don't know when you'll come visit, but when you do know, just send me a message and I'll see if any of the other Warblers are free! Love ya!'

He couldn't even bring himself to smile, everything was black and white right now, monotone, broken. And finally, he clicked on the last group of messages.

'Chipmunk - Wait, why has Finn suddenly just turned up at yours though? I know you're glad to see him, but isn't it super sudden?'

'Chipmunk - What are you guys planning for tonight then? Bet it's better than my night at scandalz is gonna be :')'

'Chipmunk - Ok, probably not, I'll probs get laid like usual.'

'Chipmunk - Yo, Hummel, what's up with you?'

'Chipmunk - Guess you're busy... whatever, have fun?'

'Chipmunk - Ok, not gonna lie, I'm kinda worried. I mean, not that you're my friend or anything, but the silent treatment? Did I do something, or are you just in trademark, bitchy, annoying, Hummel mode?'

'Chipmunk - I'll take that as a yes.'

'Chipmunk - I'll leave you alone. Goodnight.'

Kurt read through the messages, more tears falling as he did so. He didn't even move, he just lay there on the bathroom floor, curled up in his boxers, blood everywhere.  
Looking down at himself, it wasn't just cuts everywhere, no, there were words, carved into him.  
On his thigh 'UGLY', his arm 'BROKEN', his stomach 'FAT', his chest... 'UNLOVABLE'...  
His breathing hitched, he didn't even fully remember doing that. None of them looked deep enough to permanently scar, but enough to leave a mark for a long while. A reminder...

He went back to his phone, not really knowing what to do. Before he could stop himself he was pressing the call button. The silence was deafening and hurting his mind, sending him spinning. He didn't move any more, he just lay there, his dial tone quiet in the background.  
"Hello...?" A tired, groggy voice came, sounding somewhat angry.  
He didn't know if he could speak, he didn't feel like talking, why had he phoned?

"Hummel? Why the hell are you phoning me at five in the morning?" Sebastian sounded angry, but casual.  
He tried to force himself to speak, but a small whimper came out and he just closed his eyes.  
"Hummel? Kurt?" Sebastian suddenly sounded awake, worried. But he couldn't be, nobody would be worried about him after all...  
"'m fine..." He muttered on response.  
There was a sigh. "Shit, Kurt, what happened?" There was rustling, like Sebastian was getting ready to jump up and drive to New York if he had to. "You're not hurt are you?"

Kurt paused. "No... no... just... wanda talk..." He mumbled, letting his eyes close again. He just couldn't bring himself to do anything other than lay there, cold and bloody and half awake.  
"You sound drunk." Sebastian told him, concern lacing his words. "Or drugged... shit, has someone drugged you?"  
Kurt let a dry laugh escape, but there was no humour there. "No, I'm sober..."  
"Why aren't you in bed?" Sebastian asked, as if talking to a child, but the worry was still there. Something Kurt never thought he'd hear from Sebastian.  
"Blaine's there..." Kurt explained, like it would make Sebastian understand. "Don't wanna..."  
"Blaine's in New York?!" Sebastian asked. "But... I thought you said he wasn't visiting for another couple weeks?"  
"Mmm... he came early..." Kurt sighed. "Everything's... just... broken."

"What did he do?" Sebastian's voice was monotone, his tone dangerous. But Kurt was sure it was all in his head.  
"Later... I'm gonna go..." Kurt muttered.  
"No, Kurt, stay on the phone, please-"  
"See ya later, Seb..."  
"No, no, Kurt, I'm serious, tell me what happened-"  
"Bye..." He hung up, ignoring the next few calls and texts that came. He lay there for another ten minutes, until his phone stopped vibrating, and then forced himself up, every limb protesting in pain, like there were a thousand pins scratching across his skin every time he moved. Even breathing hurt, his eyes stung, his throat was dry. But he didn't care...

He grabbed his phone, checked the floor for blood to clean, put his pyjamas back on, and headed out into the lounge, knowing he wouldn't be able to sleep. He decided to just sit around and wait for Blaine to get up so he could talk to him.

\------------

Kurt didn't know how long he'd sat there, in the dark, curled up in his chair and staring into the darkness, lost in his thoughts. It was still dark when he heard a noise, turning the light on. He hoped it was Blaine. Even if he didn't want to talk to him, he just hoped it was him.  
"Dude, you totally spooked me." Finn jumped, and Kurt didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed. "I thought I was the only one awake."  
"Been waiting for somebody to come out." Kurt's voice was raspy from all the crying, he knew he was dehydrated, but he couldn't bring himself to walk to the kitchen and get some water. "I was hoping it'd be Blaine."  
"You guys okay?" Finn asked, not sure what else to say about the whole situation. He had wanted to beat the hell out of Blaine for what he did to his brother, but what would that achieve?  
"I kind of feel like I'm going to die." Was all Kurt said. They watched each other for a moment, and Finn took in his appearance. He'd never seen Kurt look so... scarily human. No skin care, no fancy clothes, no covering up the bags under his eyes. Kurt was staring slightly off into the dark, like he was searching for something. "Guess I don't have to ask you what you're doing, apparently." He spoke up before Finn could ask him any questions.   
  
"I'll talk to her later about it." Finn shrugged. "I-I just got to get away for a bit." Kurt didn't argue or ask him to stay. He knew Rachel would be upset, but he would be there to pick up the pieces. He understood Finn, he didn't feel like he belonged here. New York was so big, and scary and it was easy to fall into existential crisis of realising just how small you were in the grand scheme of everything.   
"Six months ago, did you ever think that things would be like this?" Kurt mumbled, he felt so numb. So empty.  
  
Finn shook his head a little. "Sometimes, I miss high school, you know?" Kurt gave an emotionless smile. "Come on, give me a hug before I go." Finn held his arms open, he watched Kurt wince when he stood, and wondered how long he'd been sitting in that chair. Kurt came over and let Finn wrap his arms around him, and for a moment, despite his pyjamas digging into his cuts and his eyes stinging from exhaustion, he just wanted to hold onto his brother forever. Never let go of a tie to his old life, when everything was so simple... Before the cutting and problems with eating, before his dreams were shattered. Back to that doe-eyed boy, mooning over the quarterback, laughing with his friends, messing around and making up dances with New Directions, seeing how many times him and Brittany could twirl around before getting dizzy, or going on shopping trips with Mercedes and Tina, or sitting at the back of the class, people watching with Santana. He didn't want his new life anymore, he wanted to go back and try it all again. Just apply straight for Vogue.com and not bother with NYADA and his failed dreams of acting and singing...  
He finally pulled away, not wanting to make Finn uncomfortable. Though his brother stayed close, looking like he was ready to grab Kurt in case he fell. He realised he was shaking and his legs were close to buckling. "Do you want me to say anything to Rachel?" He asked softly, it was Finn's decision at the end of the day.  
  
"No." Finn sighed. "There's no reason to make her mad at you, you've always been there for her, even if she was being crazy. She needs you right now, and you don't need the stress of arguing with her."  
Kurt nodded a bit and Finn walked to the door. He turned back to the countertenor and nodded with his little wonky smile. "Bye, bro."  
Kurt smiled a little, he and Finn had had many joking arguments about Finn calling him that. "Later, bro."   
Finn chuckled a little and headed out, closing the door behind him.   
Kurt looked to the clock, it was only 5:20am. He sighed, and decided to get in a shower, make himself feel somewhat cleaner hopefully. Though he doubted it...


	7. Don't Push Me, I'll Self Destruct

"Hey! Anderson!"  
Blaine looked up and gave a surprised smile to the boy who'd called his name. "Oh, hey, Sebastian." He smiled, clearly missing that Sebastian's tone wasn't a friendly greeting.  
"Don't." Sebastian warned, and Blaine's smile fell.  
"What's up?" He asked, turning to face the other boy, who shook his head and folded his arms. "I haven't seen you in a while, how's it goin-"  
"I said don't."  
Blaine closed his mouth, furrowing his eyebrows.

"First of all, why do you still come here? I mean, I would have thought you'd avoid the Lima Bean after it made your boyfriend miserable."  
"How did you kno-"  
Sebastian gave him a pointed look and he shut his mouth again. "Second, what the FUCK did you do to him?"  
"I don't know what you me-"  
"I am TRYING to be patient here, Anderson. DON'T push me." Sebastian growled, his voice dark and threatening. Scarier than if he was being loud.  
Blaine looked confused. "Not to be rude, but I'm not sure it's any of your business."

"It became my business when Hummel phoned me at four in the morning." Sebastian narrowed his eyes, shooting daggers through the smaller boy.  
"Wh-Kurt phoned you? Why would he-"  
"I don't know, maybe he misdialled, but he sounded broken. And he said he didn't want to be near you. So I'll give you one chance, what. The fuck. Did you do?" He stood there, waiting for an answer.  
Blaine sighed. "You hate Kurt, why would you even care?"  
"I'm not a monster." Sebastian told him, a dark smirk coming over his face. "You have ten seconds to explain before I beat it out of you."  
Blaine scoffed, but frowned when he realised Sebastian was serious.  
"Seven."  
"He's fine-"  
"Five."  
"You can't just-"  
"Three."  
"I cheated!"

There was a silence, so full of tension and questions. Blaine sighed, looking down. "I cheated on him, ok? But It didn't mean anything and I told him, hoping to work it ou-"  
Sebastian couldn't hear any more of this, he wanted to punch that stupid preppy face, but he just turned and left the coffee shop. Before he did something he would regret. No wonder Kurt had looked so bad the last time he'd seen him, and Sebastian thought he was overreacting when Blaine wouldn't answer his calls, but no. No. Blaine had hurt him so badly that he'd phoned his old enemy at four in the morning sounding so... empty. Broken. Lost. There were so many words to describe it, but Sebastian landed on one. Betrayed.  
The love of the boys life had completely betrayed him, the one person he thought he could rely on.

\------------

Rachel woke to an empty bed and the sound of soft sniffling in the loft.  
She rubbed her eyes and decided to get up, not knowing where Finn was, maybe he was the one crying? She followed the sound and saw Kurt, curled up on the floor at the bottom of his bed, gripping his hair and quietly sobbing his heart out.  
"Kurt...?" She asked softly, not sure why he would be crying like this, she realised she hadn't seen him full out cry like this before.  
He quickly looked to her, scared and ashamed.  
"What's wrong?" She walked over and knelt next to him, he was shivering and she lowered herself to sit next to him. "Did something happen?"

"He's gone..." Was all Kurt could say, his voice watery and small.  
"Who?" Rachel asked softly, rubbing his back.  
He sniffled, looking away. "Blaine. He's gone." He let out a shaky breath.  
"Gone? Gone where?"  
"Home, I'd imagine." Kurt muttered bitterly. "He didn't even fucking bother to say anything to me before he left." He pushed himself up, Rachel almost falling over from his force as he walked out of his compartment of the loft. She scrambled up and followed him.

"Wait, what happened?" She didn't know what else to ask, her best friend was pacing around, his arms wrapped around himself and biting into his lip. His tears had dried up now he knew someone else was with him. "Why did he leave?"  
Kurt stared at her, realising she didn't know anything. "He..." He looked down, shaking. "God, I need to leave." He quickly rushed to the kitchen, grabbing one of his jackets.  
"What? No, Kurt! Stay, please, tell me what happened? Talk to me, I wanna help you." She followed him.  
"He cheated on me." Kurt told her bluntly, before turning and rushing out.  
Rachel froze, not following him at first, due to the shock of what her best friend had just said.

Kurt didn't care that she wasn't following, he wanted to be alone right now, out of the apartment where the temptation to relieve the pain with his unusual methods was there constantly.  
He sent a quick text to Isabelle, saying he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to be in tomorrow due to family problems. He didn't want to go into detail, and Isabelle probably wouldn't care either. He decided to get on the subway and go to the Brooklyn bridge, it was nice and open and he might feel less like he was suffocating.

\------------

He stood there for a while, looking down over the water, wondering what it would feel like to go over the edge, falling with the wind whipping past him, crashing into the water, the sting of the water, the feeling of it mixing all around him, filling his lungs, swirling round and round. He didn't even try, but he was thinking about it.  
He simply stood there, lost in his thoughts, arms folded on the side of the bridge, looking down over at the water.  
"You know, when your location said you were here, I thought it wasn't working."  
He looked to the left, seeing Rachel, and looked back down to the water.  
"Finn left." She walked over, hooking her arm in his and resting her head on his shoulder. "I don't know when he snook out..."  
"Sorry." Kurt muttered.  
"It's not your fault." She shrugged. "It's cold out here."

"I didn't notice..." He sighed, closing his eyes.  
"How come you came here?" She looked out over the water as well.  
"I like water, mostly rain, but... It helps me clear my head." He explained, definitely not going to tell her his thoughts.  
She nodded. "I didn't know that about you, is that why you sleep in when it rains?"  
He let himself smile. "Yeah, rain helps me sleep." He closed his eyes. "When my mum was still alive, she'd drive me around in the rain to help me sleep, guess it stuck."  
"That's cute." She smiled. "Come on, let's get coffee, you'll get ill stood out here."  
He didn't have the energy to argue, so let her lead him away to a local cafe for a catch up.

\------------

"Here." Rachel passed him a coffee and he silently took it. "So I guess Finn went back to Lima, but I don't know for sure, he won't answer my calls."  
Kurt nodded slightly. "I'm sure he's just continuing the 'giving you space' plan, he probably doesn't realise how much it would hurt you..."  
"He could at least answer the phone..." She mumbled.  
"He might be flying?" He suggested, not knowing what else to say.

He listened to Rachel talk about Finn for almost an hour, not too mad about it, he didn't want to talk about Blaine anyway, so it was probably for the best.  
They headed back to the loft not long after that, Rachel still talking and probably hadn't noticed how quiet and reserved Kurt had been throughout the whole time.  
Rachel said she was going to the airport that night, going home to visit and talk to Finn in person if he wasn't going to reply to his calls or texts.  
Kurt wasn't about to talk her out of it, her and Finn needed to talk about this and see what they were going to do, see if they were going to break up or try to do long distance. They needed to figure out where they stood, and if Finn kept on leaving they wouldn't get that answer.

She bit him goodbye with a hug and left with her overnight bag, she'd probably visit her dads while she was there. Though she had NYADA classes in the afternoon tomorrow, so she'd probably be tired. He wouldn't stop her though, she needed this after months of pain and loneliness.  
He rolled the door closed, turning and looking at the empty loft, silence all around. He didn't know what to do, he felt all cried out, but slowly, almost timidly, walking over to his room and sitting down on the bed. It smelt like Blaine.  
He ripped the sheets off, changing them to other ones and throwing the old ones into the washer before curling up on his freshly made bed. But no matter how exhausted he felt, or how much he wanted to just curl up and sleep for the next twelve hours, he just couldn't.

So he decided to go and do something instead of sitting around for the rest of the night.  
Instead, he stood and walked to the toilet, bringing up anything he'd ate that night, before taking a freezing cold shower, painful but helpful. He was shivering when he got out, grabbing his razor and putting a few thin lines into his thigh. He clenched his eyes shut and gripped onto the bleeding marks, biting into his lip.  
He chose an outfit and got dressed, looking blankly at himself in the mirror. He felt bigger, gross, ugly. But he did his usual hair routine and smoothed his hands over the outfit. He nodded to himself before he could change his mind about the fitted waistcoat that he'd had to take in three times. He just didn't get it, why did he look so much bigger and unhealthier than his clothes suggested. But he knew the mirror wouldn't lie. He knew he was bigger than he'd thought he was. But it did look like the skinny jeans he was wearing might need a big of a tuck as well. But they were fine for now, besides, it was kind of satisfying that skinny jeans were baggy at his knees and downward.

He headed out, checking his phone as he was on the subway.   
He had missed calls from Blaine, texts from Sam, multiple missed calls and texts from Sebastian. He sighed, checking the texts. 

'Blaine <3 - I'm so sorry I left, I just thought you might need space right now, I love you xx'

He blinked away the tears, shaking his head slightly and clicking on the other messages. 

'Sam x - Hey Kurt, how's it going? Blaine seems a bit down, did you guys have a fight or something? Hope you're ok :)'

'Sam x - He refuses to tell me what's going on, but just says he's upset you, if you need to talk to you know where I am :D'

He smiled slightly, Sam and him had been close once, and they'd drifted apart when Blaine came into the picture, even though Sam was still living with him and Finn. He knew Sam was Blaine's best friend now as well, so even though the other boy had tried to give his reassurances, he felt as though he couldn't actually talk to him without everything being relayed back to Blaine, even if Sam wouldn't. His anxiety just wouldn't let him. He sent Sam a quick 'thank you' text, not elaborating. He felt bad, but Blaine should be the one explaining himself, not him.   
Finally he clicked on Sebastian's ones, knowing the other boy was probably really pissed at him. 

'Chipmunk - Kurt, please answer me... I'm really worried.'

'Chipmunk - You didn't sound like yourself, I just need to know you're ok...'

'Chipmunk - Whatever Anderson did, I'll kick his ass.'

'Chipmunk - and once this is sorted we can go back to our bitchy talk, forget all about this.'

'Chipmunk - Ok, I'm hoping you've gone to bed, GET SOME REST PRINCESS. You need your beauty sleep ;)'

'Chipmunk - I couldn't sleep last night, I hope you did? Keep me updated.'

'Chipmunk - God lacrosse was so boring today, you been doing on?'

'Chipmunk - Ok, Hummel, enough of the silent treatment, please just reply or I'll come down there and kick your ass.'

'Chipmunk - I talked to Anderson. He's a complete DICK. Do NOT let him get to you, text me'

'Chipmunk - Please tell me you've got plans tonight, you shouldn't be laying around focusing on that dick, you're better than that.'

Kurt sighed, not used to Sebastian being so intense in a kind way. It was weird, but not unwelcome. It seemed like he genuinely cared and it was nice to know someone did. He knew Rachel cared, but she was preoccupied with the Finn situation and was busy with that. He just felt so alone, but knowing Sebastian Smythe was the only one there for him? It was strange, but nice. They had gotten closer over the past week or so, texting all the time, joking around, Kurt even admitted that Sebastian was his friend.   
He didn't reply though, he put his phone back in his pocket, not knowing what to say. What do you say to someone who you only just became friends with, who you phoned at four in the morning when you were bleeding and cold, laying on your bathroom floor, half alive and feeling SO empty? 

He looked out the window for the rest of the journey, letting his thoughts wonder no matter how dangerous that was.   
He jumped up when he reached just outside Central New York, and wondered the streets, looking for a distraction.   
A gay bar. He stopped, looking up at the club. 'Internationalz'. He shrugged slightly and headed in, good thing he still had a fake ID Puck had gotten him as a joke for his 18th birthday. He handed said ID to the bouncer and was allowed in, walking to the bar through the crowd. It was loud, music blasting, but not as busy as he assumed it would be if it were a Saturday. He managed to get to the bar and struggled to hear the barman ask what he wanted, he just shouted 'surprise me', blushing when the bartender winked at him, getting to work, making what seemed to be a cocktail, but he had his back to Kurt so the countertenor couldn't tell what was going into it. 

"Here ya go." He smirked, handing Kurt the drink. "First one's half off, so that'll be three fifty."  
"Thanks!" Kurt called, handing over the money and headed out into the club. He didn't really know what to do, but the music was good for interrupting his thoughts. He danced for a little while, trying the drink. It was strong, but good, he quickly finished it and went to get another.

He didn't know how many drinks he'd had or how long he'd been there, but everything was blending together now so he didn't care.   
His phone began to ring and he fished it out of his pocket, not even checking the caller ID as he hit answer, bringing the phone to his ear. "Hello?" He called, standing on wobbly legs and stumbling to the bathroom so he could hear better.   
"Hummel?" Sebastian's voice came, the phone line breaking up. "Where are you?"  
"Club." Kurt answered simply, getting knocked around a bit as he tried to get through some of the people. 

"What? When I said to go out tonight, I didn't mean clubbing! Which club?" Sebastian asked.   
"I don't know!" Kurt answered, laughing a bit. "First one I came across, I think it begins with an I and has like that weird 'let's replace the s with a z cuz it's edgy' in it."   
"Stay there, don't get yourself hurt." Sebastian told him, sternly.   
"What d'you mean, I'm fine!" Kurt answered, his words slurred as he headed into the bathroom.   
"Just stay there, ok?" The phone went dead and Kurt shrugged, struggling to put it back in his pocket. He needed the toilet anyway, so he stumbled into one of the stalls, locking the door. 

\------------

He'd danced a bit more, gotten another drink, and went back to the bathroom, it had probably been about an hour since the phone call, and he was struggling to remember any specifics of the call anyway. His mind was foggy and it was kind of nice, relaxing, distracting.   
He began washing his hands when someone came in. "Hey, nice dance moves." The guy said, smirking as he lent against the sink.   
"Why thank you~" Kurt smirked right back.   
"What's your name?"  
"Kurt. You?"  
"Not important." The guy shrugged. "So, me and some friends are going back to mine soon, we were wondering if you wanted to join us."

Kurt tilted his head slightly. "Me? Why?"  
"Because, you're hot, and we're gonna have some fun. We'd hate to leave you out." The guy was close now and Kurt furrowed his brows. "What, you don't know you're hot?"  
"I'm not hot." Kurt shrugged. "And while it sounds fun, I don't really do groups, so-"  
"But it's always good to experiment." The guy countered. "I know you're drunk, but we can look after you."  
"No, no, I think I'm fine, thanks..." Kurt shrugged slightly, his brain was moving too slow to even think about what he should do other than stand there and say no. All the self-defence he had tried to teach himself was out the window at this point. And he didn't know if he had the energy to care, the guy wasn't exactly being threatening or anything, just being a bit difficult. 

The guy took a told of his wrist. "Come on, cutie, my friends really want to meet you, come dance with us for a bit?"  
Kurt tried to pull back, the cuts on his wrist protesting as he tried to get the hand off of him. "Please, stop it, I don't want to go with you..."  
"Oh come on, we won't hurt you, have I hurt you right now?" He smirked.   
"Yes!" Kurt answered, trying once again to yank his arm away, trying not to scream at the pain in his wrist.   
"HEY!" Someone shouted, pushing the other guy away and knocking him into the stalls. "Knock it off."  
"Or what?" The guy answered. "I wasn't going to do anything, just looked like he wanted a good time."  
"And I bet he said no. Take that as an answer before I make you." The stranger spoke, Kurt wasn't paying too much attention, holding onto his wrist and blinking away tears, looking at the floor, trying to ignore the argument. 

"Whatever." The guy shrugged. "I'll leave you to your boyfriend." He began walking to the door. "You probably should have supervised him tonight though, all the guys have been looking." And with that he left.   
The new guy walked over, not standing too close as he placed his hands on Kurt's shoulders. "Hummel?"  
Kurt recognised that voice... He looked up slowly, seeing Sebastian, giving a tiny, unreadable smile.   
"Hey... You ok?" He asked, watching the other boy carefully.   
Kurt nodded. "I'm fine... What are you...?" He paused, rushing into a stall and dropping painfully to his knees before vomiting into the toilet.   
Sebastian sighed and walked over, rubbing his back. "Bad way of handling shit, Hummel..." He muttered, waiting for Kurt to be done. 

"I wanna go home..." Kurt sighed, closing his eyes as he rested against the stall wall.   
"Come on, then." Sebastian held his hand out and Kurt took it, letting him pull him to his feet. They walked back out into the open bathroom. Kurt went to the sink, washing his hands. He looked up into the mirror, seeing Sebastian's expression and not knowing what to make of it. 

Sebastian watched Kurt closely now, in all the excitement before he hadn't noticed, but now he could see it clearly. And he didn't understand how NOBODY else had noticed, from what he could tell. Kurt was so skinny, unhealthily so. His cheeks were thin and the dark circles under his eyes didn't help. There was this look in his eye, lost, scared, empty...   
Kurt caught his eye and raised a brow at the look Sebastian was giving him, and he realised that tears had come to his eyes. He coughed a little, looking away. So many thoughts were flying through his head. The boy Kurt used to be, so full of life and sass, bitchy and defensive, protective of his boyfriend and willing to cut down anyone that went against him or hurt him. Then the boy Sebastian had helped a while ago at the Lima Bean, the one who Sebastian didn't WANT to see anything wrong with, the one who was having an anxiety attack in an alleyway, vomiting and shaking and sobbing. To this boy, broken, drunk, throwing up and shaking, skinny as hell, paler than usual and clearly in so much pain. And nobody to turn to... nobody who looked at him close enough to notice anything, or care enough if they did. Nobody to grab him and shake him and question him. 

Sebastian sighed and walked over. "Ready to go?" He smiled softly and Kurt nodded, following him out of the bathroom. He stood there and stared at the crowd, tensing up slightly. Sebastian seemed to notice his hesitation and held his hand out. Kurt looked between the hand and Sebastian's eyes, and when the other boy smiled at him, he took his hand, letting him lead a clear path out of the club.   
When they got outside Sebastian told Kurt to wait there. Kurt waited at the bottom of the stairs while the other boy talked to the bouncer about the guy who'd been touching Kurt, just warning him. The bouncer nodded, and told them to get home safe.   
Sebastian came down the stairs, smiling at Kurt. Under the streetlight he looked even worse, sick. Ill. "Ready?" He watched Kurt nod and they began walking, Kurt was keeping quiet, staring down at the floor as they walked. "There's a train in ten minutes." Sebastian told him as they headed into the underground. Kurt nodded and they waited on the platform for a train, sat on one of the seats. 

A couple minutes before the train got there and Kurt was looking sick again, and Sebastian told him to let it out if he needed to. Kurt doubled over, barely managing to move his feet out of the way as he puked onto the station floor. Sebastian glared at anyone who looked at them funny, and they moved on. Kurt didn't need people staring or judging him right now. Besides, they were in New York, weirder things had happened.   
"Sorry..." Kurt whispered, still hunched over himself.   
"Don't apologise, Hummel. It's fine." Sebastian told him, rubbing his back again. 

Kurt glanced up and around, seeing the way people were looking at him.   
Sebastian looked to where he was looking and glared at the people and they looked away. "Come on, the train's here."   
Kurt nodded, letting Sebastian help him up. He didn't complain when the other boys arm stayed protectively around his shaking shoulders, his other hand on his folded arms. Kurt simply stared at the floor, letting himself be lead onto the train and sat down, Sebastian's arms still there, protective and safe. 

He didn't mean to fall asleep, but he half woke a Sebastian moved, pulling him up and walking off of the train. Kurt couldn't make his brain wake up enough to do anything but make his feet move, being lead up to his loft and taken inside. "Which one's your room?" Sebastian asked. Kurt nodded to his side of the loft and Sebastian smirked. "Come on, Hummel, work with me here. Only a few more steps." He joked.   
"Shuddup, Smythe." Kurt answered, being lead to his bed. He didn't want to sleep, but he was still so tired and even though the room was spinning and there was this weird ringing noise in his head, he curled up, feeling himself going already.   
"Get some rest, princess." Sebastian told him, taking off Kurt's waistcoat and shoes so he might be a bit more comfortable. 

\------------

Kurt woke the next day to a phone call and groaned slightly. His head hurt, but he didn't feel as bad as he had in the past, especially when April Rhodes had given him alcohol.   
He moved, his limbs hurting and protesting, but he forced himself to sit up, staring at the floor for a second before he looked for his phone. It was on his nightstand and he picked it up, answering. "Hello?" He asked tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose.   
"Hey, Kurt!" Isabelle's voice came. "Rough night?"  
"Hi, Isabelle..." He let out a small sigh. "Yeah, kinda..."  
"Are you coming to the office today? I know you said you weren't sure?"  
"I'll be there, what time is it?" Kurt asked, standing up and walking around as he talked, hoping it would make his limbs feel more attached to his body.   
"Only eleven, don't worry, if you can make it in for the usual time that would be great. It's not going to be as hectic today." Isabelle explained.   
"Ok, I'll see you at one." Kurt told her, they said goodbye and he hung up. 

He wondered into the lounge, seeing Sebastian laying on the sofa, his eyes closed. He was confused at first, but remembered Sebastian turning up the night before, even if he didn't remember much else. He sighed softly, walking to the kitchen and making himself a strong coffee, making one - though not as strong - for the Warbler as well and placed it quietly on the coffee table for when Sebastian woke up.   
He then headed to the bathroom, having a quick shower to hopefully wake himself up and make him feel a bit better in general. He also felt dirty so having a shower was nice. He threw up again, getting back in the shower afterwards and just letting the water fall on him, closing his eyes and letting it roll off him. When he felt a bit better he got out, turning the shower off and drinking some more of his coffee. He frowned, he didn't like dark coffee that much, but he knew it should help him feel better.   
He looked at his reflection, feeling disgusted at himself. He put on some of his skin care products, especially around his eyes to try and remove the bags, and grabbed the clothes he'd bought in with him to change into. He hated waking up in the same outfit, it made him feel gross. 

He looked to his arms, the marks were still there, red and angry amongst the old marks and newer ones. He ran his finger over one of the only ones that had made a noticeable scar, he had tried not to go too deep, until Blaine cheated. The scar was on his wrist, just under the muscle of his thumb, tiny but white, thick. His mirror had broken back home in Lima once, it was when his dad was in hospital and he was living alone while he waited for him to wake up, he remembered his mum, his dad was ill, his friends were trying to force religion onto him and not seeing if he was actually ok, and then yelled at him and tried to make him feel guilty when he agreed with coach Sylvester. He'd stared at the glass for a while before he brought it to his wrist and pressed it in. gasping and dropping it. It ad gone deep and it was thick, so it was a small chunk of his wrist.   
The next day he'd been at the hospital, waiting for his dad to wake up. Ready to go home to his empty house and he knew he'd probably end up hurting himself again, but his dad had woken up, and he'd deiced not to do that again. He'd given in eventually when everything fell apart, but he'd managed to stay strong for a long time. 

He then moved to the one other noticeable scar, but despite it being there and him knowing it was there, people didn't seem to notice unless they looked closely. Blaine hadn't even noticed and they'd seen each other naked. He ran his fingers softly over the scar on the side of his neck, it was like he could still feel the pain. This one he'd had to go to the hospital for.   
He'd been climbing a tree, he was so close to the top. It wasn't long after his mum had died, he figured if he climbed high enough he might be able to go visit her. He missed her so much, and he knew his dad was trying but he didn't fully understand his son. He kept climbing until he got to the thin, shaky branches at the top. He looked up into the sky, wondering why he couldn't see her yet. He looked down, and had the urge to jump. He didn't know why, he was a kid after all, but it seemed like a good idea.   
He also figured if he fell he might not survive, and then he could definitely see his mum. He shook his head, ignoring those thoughts, but as he turned his foot slipped. He wrapped his arms around the branch. He didn't tell his dad that he could have easily pulled himself up. He didn't tell his dad that he lied when he said he'd simply fallen. He felt the world turn around him and the air whip around, and he landed on the ground with a thud. 

He heard someone running over as he came to, and dizzily saw his dad, kneeling in front of him and yelping his sit up. Kurt winced, shaking his head slightly, but stopping when he felt a sharp pain in his neck, he put his hand to it and his eyes went wide when he saw the blood on the tips of his small fingers. He realised there was blood all over his shirt, and Burt had picked him up, taking him to the car and to the ER where they'd managed to get the bleeding under control.   
Apparently while falling down one of the smaller branches had clipped his neck and cut him, it had been one of the bigger veins, so it had bled a lot. But the doctors said he'd be ok and Burt took him home to pizza and ice cream and musicals. Kurt was happy, but ever since then whenever something happened or when he'd have those days where he'd feel down but not know why, he'd think about the pain he'd felt and wondered if he'd feel better if he could control the pain. He hadn't gone through with those thoughts, even when it became harder and harder to ignore them when the bullying got worse, and when everything felt broken. 

He sighed, stopped looking at himself in the mirror and touching his old scars, and he made a couple new ones into his shoulder before dabbing them dry and making sure they wouldn't bleed through the lighter coloured shirt he'd picked for today, and he took a deep breath, heading out of the bathroom and walking slowly into the lounge, seeing that Sebastian was awake and sat up, sipping his coffee. He looked to Kurt and smirked, but not in a cruel way. "Morning, princess."  
Kurt gave a tiny, not amused smile. And Sebastian noticed the way he was curled in on himself, shame rolling off of him.   
"Don't look like that, Hummel, you'll get wrinkles." He looked back to his coffee and gave Kurt a moment to compose himself.   
The countertenor came over, perching on the coffee table, facing Sebastian.   
"What?" Sebastian asked, sipping his coffee.   
"I appreciate what you did for me last night, but..." Kurt sighed. "Why are you here...?"

Sebastian took a moment to think. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Kurt watched him, waiting for a reply. Sebastian took in his appearance again, he was still admittedly - and annoyingly - attractive. More refined than when he'd first met him, but it was turning to unhealthy. "I was worried." Sebastian shrugged.   
Kurt raised a brow. "Worried...? About... me?"   
Sebastian shrugged slightly, might as well be honest. Sure, lose all your self-respect, why not. "Well, wouldn't you be? I know I've not exactly been nice to you in the past, but you've been very forgiving and we've had a laugh recently." He sighed. "I'm not saying that makes us friends or anything, but we don't hate each other anymore. And, be completely honest, if I phoned you up at stupid o'clock in the morning the way you did, wouldn't you be worried?"  
Kurt nodded slowly. "Good point..."  
"I wasn't exactly planning to come to New York." Sebastian continued. "In all honesty, I did question Anderson and he seemed to deny everything at first, saying you were fine and that it wasn't any of my business."

"He said that...?" Kurt whispered. Sebastian felt bad, but he deserved the truth. He could see the lost boy under Kurt's mask that he put on, and it scared him that he was the only one who seemed to see that. He could see the question 'He thinks I'm fine, why hasn't he noticed, why won't anyone notice?'. Sebastian actually felt guilt wrap around his stomach.   
"He's a douche." He found himself saying, and Kurt looked taken back. "Sorry, but it's the truth. He was all smiles and puppy-eyes when I first went up to him. He didn't say anything about you being upset, he was just upset about the fact that I was the one talking to him about it, that I knew how you were feeling, that you wouldn't answer his calls." He sighed and shook his head slightly. "But that doesn't matter, you need to forget about him right now." He shook his head slightly. "So, I heard Rachel had come back into town, and I realised that meant she'd left you alone here, and I know how that can feel when you're alone after something like this."

"She has her own reasons to go home-"  
"Don't defend her. You both need each other right now, from what I've heard she only went back because Finn was there, she left you when you needed her." Sebastian told him, sternly, hoping Kurt would see what he was saying. "I know she needs to talk to Finn, but I'm pretty sure she found out what happened to you."  
"I know, but she needs to sort this thing out with Finn anyway." Kurt shrugged. "It doesn't matter."  
Sebastian sighed. "Either way, when I heard you were here alone, and I knew I had to go look round some of my choice colleges for next year, I figured why not do both."  
"You're moving to New York next year?" Kurt asked, tilting his head slightly.   
Sebastian smiled. "Either Columbus or Cornell." He chuckled at Kurt's shocked face. 

"But, why not a performance college?" Kurt asked and Sebastian shrugged.   
"My old man, he doesn't mind me performing, in fact he says everyone needs a creative outlet, but not as a job. He thinks I should be more realistic."   
"How so?" Kurt asked, and Sebastian realised the other boy was quickly managing to change the subject. Whether he meant to or not, maybe he was just used to taking the attention off of himself.   
"Law, medicine, politics, etc." Sebastian smiled. "I don't mind too much, I've always had an interest in medicine and law, so I figured I could always perform in my spare time."   
"Smart." Kurt nodded. "As long as you enjoy it I guess it can't be that bad."   
Sebastian smiled. "So, I came to New York, remembered you'd sent me a map once of how far it was from Bushwick to central New York, so I came to the address. I figured you'd be home, but when I checked nobody was in." He explained. "You know, you really should get a lock on your door..." 

Kurt actually laughed a little at that, and Sebastian smiled.   
"Anyway, that's when I phoned you, and you sounded drunk as hell, so I figured you were at a club, I realised you'd not turned your location off on your phone - you really should you know - and I managed to find you." He shrugged. "That's how I ended up sleeping on your coach."  
"I'm sorry..." Kurt mumbled. "You shouldn't have to do any of that for me-"  
"I wanted to. And it's just what any of your friends SHOULD have done."   
Kurt raised a brow, giving him a look.   
"Not that I'm saying we're friends." Sebastian told him sternly, before smiling. "I do have some questions though." 

Kurt nodded slightly, looking down. "I figured..." He muttered, worrying his lip with his teeth.   
"But they can wait if you're not comfortable." Kurt looked surprised at that and Sebastian shrugged. "We all have our problems. The main questions I will ask, one, how have none of your friends noticed?"  
"Noticed what?" Kurt asked quietly.   
Sebastian didn't want to bring everything up, knowing Kurt would get defensive. He sighed. "How stressed you've been? How down you look, how your mask fucking slips when you think nobody's watching?"  
Kurt sighed. "Isabelle said the same thing... Maybe you are related."

Sebastian laughed. "Yeah, she's perceptive." He smiled. "But your friends?"  
"I don't know..." Kurt admitted. "I guess they see me so often that they don't notice, or they just don't want to think anything's wrong, so they pretend it isn't."  
"Ok, bad friends aside, question two. How did you end up stuck in Lima, working at a coffee shop and having an anxiety attack in the alleyway?"   
Kurt took a deep breath and paused for a second, looking off to one side. "NYADA refused me..." He said softly, tears coming to his eyes remembering the past few months. Sebastian didn't know what to do, he hadn't expected Kurt to cry, these were just the basic questions he wanted to ask for now, he'd go into the deeper stuff once he knew Kurt a bit better. "My brother left for the army, which wasn't exactly comforting, knowing what could happen to him... He sent Rachel to New York without me before he left... I was at home alone all the time, my dad and Carole are in love, I didn't want to... get in the way." He looked down.   
"It's ok, you don't have to tell me everything." Sebastian told him, realising how much he was struggling with reliving everything in his head, and Sebastian knew he was reliving it and not just remembering. 

"No, no, I need to explain to someone before I suffocate." Kurt let out a heavy breath and Sebastian tried not to show his shock at Kurt's words. "I decided to get a job, I didn't want to have to rely on my dad all the time, I've always been independent, I guess until it comes to relationships, I think I probably relied on Blaine a bit too much, but he made me feel like I needed to. I didn't want to hide anything from him, I wanted him to know how much I trusted him." He shrugged slightly, brushing off how bad that sounded. "My dad offered me a job at his shop, but I said I wanted to try and find a job where I didn't know the owner and everything, so I started working at Lima Bean, they sorta knew me from when we all used to hang out there. I got into a bit of a slump and only got out the other week when Blaine said I needed to go follow my dreams and come to New York. And here I am..." He looked down, staring at the floor, trying to blink away his tears.   
"Thank you for telling me..." Sebastian told him kindly, and Kurt looked up at him. "I'm sorry for making you think about it, but I think it's good to tell someone your problems." 

"Well, as much as I'd love to play therapist some more, I have to get ready for work." Kurt stood.   
"Just one more question-" Sebastian told him quickly, taking a hold of his wrist, but letting go quickly, realising what he was doing.   
Kurt looked at him, waiting for the question.   
"I know it's stupid..."  
Kurt shrugged, still waiting.   
Sebastian sighed. "Are you ok...?"

Kurt paused, but a smile came over his face. Though Sebastian could see through it, there was no happiness there, the smile didn't reach his eyes and his eyes weren't the shining blue he remembered it being, instead they were full of pain and unanswered questions, sadness and unshed tears, and once again, that lost looking boy. "I'm always ok." Kurt told him, before heading back to the bathroom.   
Sebastian sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He didn't know what exactly he was expecting coming here, he had mostly done it on impulse, but he didn't expect any of this. 

Kurt went into the bathroom and lifted his sleeve, cutting into his forearm a couple times, closing his eyes and sighing. He made sure they weren't still bleeding when he rolled his sleeve back down, exiting the bathroom and walking back to the lounge. He picked up one of his jackets. "You can come with me if you want?" He told Sebastian, who raised a brow. "I work at Vogue remember? Isabelle will probably kill me and then you if I didn't bring you for a visit while you're here."   
Sebastian laughed. "Ok, true." He stood. "Do you have any spare clothes? I only bought shirts and ties and stuff for looking round the colleges..." He sighed. "Sorry, never mind-"  
"Don't apologise, I am not walking round with someone wearing the same clothes he slept in." Kurt told him sassily.   
Sebastian smirked. "Are you sure you have anything masculine enough?"   
Kurt gave him that look, the slightly amused, slightly annoyed look that Sebastian hadn't seen in so long. "Nah, I think a dress would suit you well~" Kurt smirked, brushing past him and heading into his room. Sebastian stood there for a moment, watching him, he shook his head slightly, amused, before he followed him. 

\------------

"Have you ate anything today?" Sebastian found himself asking as they walked down the streets toward Vogue. Kurt gave him an irritated look, furrowing his brows. He rolled his eyes.   
"I had breakfast while you were still asleep, that's where the coffee came from." He shrugged. "I would have left a croissant for you or something but I don't know what you like."  
"I lived in France for a while, don't forget. Croissants are amazing."   
Kurt nodded. "I forgot about that, I love France." He sighed. "Here we are, I'll need to sign you in as a guest."  
"No problem." Sebastian shrugged and they headed in. 


	8. Coping

Isabelle immediately pulled Kurt into a hug, much to his and Sebastian's surprise. "I'll get to you in a minute." She told Sebastian, who let out a laugh at Kurt's confused face. "Are you ok? Your text worried me...?" She pulled Kurt back so he was at arms length and looked him over.   
He nodded and offered a small smile. "I'm fine, really."  
"I don't believe you, but I won't push the issue. You have to tell me eventually though." She then turned to her nephew. "And you!" She slapped his arm and he let out an over dramatic; 'OW!' "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?!"  
Sebastian shrugged slightly. "Didn't know I was coming really."

Isabelle looked between the two of them. "Ok, I'm confused."  
"Oh, I don't get a hug then?" The Warbler asked. She rolled her eyes and pulled him into a hug.   
"So, any plans for today?" She asked, ushering the two of them into her office.   
Kurt shrugged. "Work." He joked and she sighed with a smile.   
"Yes, today we're just gonna be sat here, I need you to take notes on some pitches I've thought of, and in all honesty - don't tell the other interns - I could really use your opinion on some of them..." Isabelle admitted. 

Sebastian sat down in one of the chairs, looking to Kurt, shock on his face. "Look at you, intern of the year."  
Kurt looked down, bashful. "Shut up."  
"Don't be so shy and modest, Kurt, you're the best intern I've ever had, you should be proud of yourself." Isabelle told him. "Now, what is my nephew up to while he's here? Isn't school happening tomorrow?" She gave him a pointed look to which she got a roll of the eyes.   
"Please, Dalton would give me as many days off as I like, I have perfect grades, besides, we're allowed time off to look around our colleges of choice." He shrugged. "But I won't be staying long, just here today."   
"Aren't the colleges closed on Sundays?" Isabelle asked, motioning for Kurt to sit with them. He slowly agreed.   
"There's usually administrative staff and security in on Sundays, they've even said it's better for possible students to come look on weekends seen at there wont be people rushing about everywhere."

Isabelle nodded. "Have you decided what you want to go for?"   
"I've narrowed it down, guess it depends which courses look the best when I see what the colleges offer." Sebastian explained. "At the moment, it's between law and pre-med."   
"Well, I know you're smart enough to do anything you want, so just focus on what you enjoy more." Isabelle smiled and Sebastian lovingly rolled his eyes. "Anyone want a coffee?"  
"I'll go make us some-" Kurt was already half way out the door but Isabelle told him to sit back down.   
"Don't be silly, the other interns have been slacking and after all the good work you did watching my phones? They need a little kick." She winked at him and pushed a button on her phone. "Melany, can you bring us three chocolate mochas please?"

Not long later and they were sipping on the hot drinks, still chatting. Kurt was growing more anxious about the fact that he wasn't exactly working right now, and the other two seemed to finally clock on.   
"Hummel if you bounce your leg any more you'll take off." Sebastian rolled his eyes. "What's up?"  
"Nothing, sorry..." Kurt muttered. Sebastian gave him a look as if to say 'bitch please' and Kurt sighed. "Fine, I feel bad about being at work but not actually really working..."  
Isabelle smiled at him. "Don't worry so much, look we can start working now, I have the files on my computer, all I need you to do is take notes about what you're thinking, use your intuition."  
"I should probably get going to Columbus anyway." Sebastian stood, hugged his aunt and then patted Kurt on the shoulder before he left.   
"Thanks again, Sebastian..." Kurt called back and the other boy nodded with a little smile.   
"You better look after yourself, Hummel. Or I'll come back just to kick your ass." He smirked, heading out. 

\------------  
  
Kurt didn't know if he'd been expecting Sebastian to be back at the loft or not, but the other boy wasn't when he got back home. Rachel was, however and he went and curled up with her on the sofa when he saw her crying. She recapped him on her talk with Finn, how they'd broken up. She told him about her night with her dads, watching old videos, and how she'd phone NYADA to tell them some family issues came up so she wouldn't be able to attend her classes that afternoon. NYADA was one of the colleges that offered classes every day, it just depended what credits and classes you'd picked which lead to getting different days.   
Kurt held her and made her laugh, doing his usual duty. Once she'd explained everything and had stopped crying, he recommended they watch terrible B-rated horror movies and made some cookie dough, just like old times. She'd immediately agreed and they sat down to watch. 

"Why do I agree to watch horror films with you?" She asked him as the film started and he laughed.   
"Because you get super scared and it's funny?" Kurt laughed as she punched him in the arm.   
"Just because you love horror, doesn't mean the rest of us do." She chuckled. "Just don't film me screaming this time, that video on YouTube has like 50,000 views."  
He laughed again. "Don't worry, I promise not to."   
"Good." She smirked, settling down into a cuddle with him and watching the film. 

He missed this, nowadays he didn't really realise how touch-starved he'd been all summer. He couldn't really blame anyone, he'd been the one withdrawing himself from everything, but it was nice to be close to one of his best friends again. He laughed when Rachel would scream or hide her face in his chest, trying to ignore when she brushed his cuts.   
He'd fallen asleep by the time the film was over and Rachel smiled, deciding not to wake him and putting a blanket over him before turning off the TV and heading for bed.   
  
He woke a few hours later with no hope of getting back to sleep, so he cleared up from earlier before deciding to watch something else. He didn't know what yet, but decided to look through the Netflix Rachel's dads had gotten for her.   
He skimmed the list and landed on Doctor Who. Smiling, he pressed play. There was so many films and TV shows that he hadn't been able to watch in a while because of Blaine. Blaine didn't exactly stop him from watching anything, but he did get judgemental when people watched certain things and Kurt ended up feeling somewhat ashamed for liking different things. It was the same when he would read. Shows like Doctor Who, Brooklyn 99, or horror movies, Monty Python, even things like Always Sunny in Philadelphia and South Park were things he hadn't let himself watch in a while despite loving them. 

So he curled up with one of his new books and Doctor Who playing quietly in the background and just had a chill morning.   
By the time Rachel got up he was almost on series 2 and he'd finished his first novel.   
"Hey, what are you doing up so early?" She asked, plonking herself down on his legs. He chuckled and lightly nudged her off, making room on the sofa for her.   
"Just decided to have a quiet morning, I was gonna make breakfast soon if you want some?" He smiled, putting his second book down on the coffee table.   
She nodded with a smile as he got up and stretched. "That'd be nice." She looked to the TV and book. "You're reading?"  
He chuckled. "Yes, I DO read, ya know?" He rolled his eyes.   
"Since when do you watch Doctor Who?" She read the title on the screen. "Isn't that that weird British show?"   
He shrugged slightly. "Yeah, it's good, I got into it when I was younger I guess. Just felt like re-watching it." 

They had a quiet morning, Kurt showing Rachel some of the Sci-Fi show, but she said it wasn't really for her and was surprised he liked it so much. He shrugged slightly and took their plates to the kitchen. He felt sick after eating some pancakes with her.   
"I'm gonna get in a shower, ok?" He asked and she nodded, flicking through Netflix for any musicals. She wasn't at NYADA until that afternoon anyway.   
He headed into the bathroom, turning on the shower to mask the noise and puked into the toilet. As much as he didn't want to, he couldn't help the fact that his body didn't want the food. He knelt there for a while, waiting to see if he needed to vomit again, and when he didn't he flushed the toilet and got into the shower. 

He just soaked for a while, letting the water flow off of him before getting out and ignoring his reflection in the mirror. He didn't like seeing the amount of marks that covered him, especially after his emotional explosion the other day. He did catch a glimpse of the 'FAT', thinly cut into his stomach and sighed, his eyes then glancing to the words over his heart. 'UNLOVABLE'. He ground his teeth and threw some fresh clothes he'd bought into the bathroom with him on. 

He hung out with Rachel for a little while before getting up to get ready for work. He pulled his jacket on and opened the door, looking down at the multiple flower arrangements at his doorstep. He sighed heavily, explaining to Rachel when she came over and asked what they were for. She picked one up and read the note. 

'Kurt, I love you, I'm sorry, please call me, Blaine x'

"Maybe you should phone him?" She asked softly, bringing some of the flower piles inside.   
"I can't..." He almost whispered. "I have to go-"  
"Kurt, no, wait, I'm sorry." She came over to him. "Look, I know you don't want to talk to him, and that's fine. You shouldn't have to... but he does seem sorry and... I don't know, maybe it would help to hear him out?"  
He stared at her, his expression blank even though he felt like crying his eyes out. "If Finn had cheated on you, would you phone him?"   
She paused, looking down and he walked away, rushing down the stairs before she could delay him again. 

He ran out into the street, his breathing heavy and laboured and he stood there for a moment before shakily pulling out his phone and walking the smallest bit into the alleyway so he couldn't get in peoples way.   
He clicked the number he was looking for and waited for it to finish ringing.   
"Hello?"  
"I can't breath." He simple said, his voice coming out scared and high.   
"Shit, Hummel. Two minutes, yeah?" He heard Sebastian say before the sound of a chair scraping across the floor sounded and then some arguing before a door slammed and Sebastian spoke again. "What happened?" He asked, concerned for the countertenor. 

"I don't know, I just... Rachel suggested phoning Blaine and-"  
"Don't you dare, Hummel." Sebastian warned him.  
"I'm not going to! I promise, but-but it just got in my head and-and it made me think that my friends do-don't really... that they're just gonna forgive Blaine straight away and... I don't know!" He was almost hyperventilating at this point and Sebastian reminded him to breathe.   
"Hey, listen to me, Hummel." Kurt nodded even though the other boy couldn't see him. "You're strong, yeah? You've been through worse. You made it through and Blaine is a douche, and your friends are asses if they can't see that."

"But they're my friends-"  
"Anyone who takes the side of someone who cheated, isn't a friend." Sebastian sighed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You live with Rachel, so that might be a bit more difficult, but everyone else is back in Ohio, right? So even if they're idiots and continue being friends with Blaine, it can't effect you where you are now."  
Kurt sighed, his breathing was relaxing now. "But, in the past when things have happened, they've immediately taken his side, in everything, and I don't know what he'll choose to tell them and what he won't..." He ran a hand through his hair. "Sorry, I'm just being an idiot..."  
"No, you're not." Sebastian told him. "You don't have to apologise every time you need to talk about how you're feeling. Besides, I'm glad you called, can't have you having an anxiety attack when I know I can make it worse."  
Kurt actually let himself chuckle. "Whatever, Sebastian." He rolled his eyes. "Wait, were you in class?" He stepped out of the alleyway and headed down toward the subway. 

"Yeah, but I don't care. Maths had been boring today."   
"You shouldn't have left class for me-"  
"I told you, Hummel, maths is boring." He could pretty much hear Sebastian eye roll and sighed.   
"Thanks..."   
Sebastian shrugged. "No probs, tell Isabelle I said hi."  
"Will do... We'll talk later." Kurt jumped on the train when it came.   
"Nah, I might be busy~" Sebastian told him and Kurt chuckled.   
"We both know you won't be." He laughed as Sebastian let out a loud, short laugh. "See you later, Smythe."  
"Same back at ya, Hummel."

\------------

Kurt wouldn't lie, his mood had massively decreased since he'd been reading on the sofa that morning. Blaine had sent even more flowers and chocolate to his work, something that had happened yesterday as well, but only one bunch and some vouchers for fancy food places in New York.   
He sighed as one of the mail people placed another set of flowers in a vase down on his desk.   
People had commented on his sad expression and general down demeanour all day but he kept saying he was fine, asking them if they wanted to take the chocolates or flowers off of his hands. They'd agreed, seeing why he wanted to get rid of them when they read the notes attached. At least the office was looking nice and lively with flowers all over the place. 

His mask had slipped more and more throughout the day, to the point where when these flowers turned up he just wanted to scream and break them, or burst into tears and run to the bathroom to cut. He stopped himself by reminding himself yet again that he was in charge of Isabelle's phone today while her and some others were out of the office.   
"Well, someone's either seriously crushing on you, or seriously trying to make up for something." A nice boy called Marshal quipped, offering a smile.   
"The latter." He told him, dropping the card Blaine had attached to the flowers down on the desk. He knew his voice sounded devoid of emotion, but he was a hurricane inside and he didn't want to make a scene.   
Marshal offered a sympathetic smile. "Ouch. He cute?"

Kurt let out a sigh. "The cutest."  
"Oh, that sucks." Marshal nodded slightly. "I'm sorry. Hey, you need to go binge-shopping? Isabelle's summoning us to the conference room. I can cover for you."  
"I'm okay. I'll BE okay."  
  
\------------  
When he'd heard Isabelle was looking for him when he was clearing up his stuff he decided to head out before she could find him, he'd probably have a break down if anyone else asked him any questions and she didn't need him crying at her.   
Instead he headed to NYADA to meet Rachel, she'd even asked if he wanted to practice some stretches and dancing and that seemed like a good distraction right now. 

"I can't believe you have a dance audition for The Glass Menagerie." He shook his head slightly, they were sat face to face, stretching each other back and forth.   
"Well, Ivan is a very physical director, all of his work is very movement-driven." She explained, but sighed when she stretched.   
They continued for a moment before they both fell back, sighing and sitting up again. Kurt checked his phone when it buzzed.   
"Grease update from Tina. Oh... Apparently the girl playing Sandy has gained so much weight, she can't fit into her clothes." He told her, feeling bad for this new girl. He wondered if that would be him soon but shook those thoughts away when Rachel responded.   
"That's unfortunate." She sighed. "But it doesn't really have anything to do with us." She watched his expression and shook her head. "No. We're not, we are not going to see it."  
  
"Not gonna see what?" A new voice came and they looked to the source, seeing Cassie July walk in. "What are you doing in my studio, Schwimmer? Practising for your big audition?"  
"Yeah, this is actually my roommate, Kurt, he's helping me with it." Rachel explained.   
Kurt stood, following Rachel. "It's an honour to meet you, Miss July, and-Oh, y-you've got some abs!" He chuckled.   
She smiled at him, there was that something in her eyes that he'd seen in coach Sylvester's, and Sebastian's, and Isabelle's. He looked down, trying to ignore Miss July's look.   
"Can you get the bar?" She asked them, and they bought the bar over. "So, you were saying, not gonna see what?" Cassie asked, beginning to stretch. Kurt shrugged and began copying her, earning a confused look from Rachel. He shrugged.  
"Her recently broken-up-with ex-boyfriend is directing my recently broken-up-with ex-boyfriend in a school production of Grease, and we've a bunch of friends in it, so we were debating whether or not we should go." Kurt explained.  
"When is it?"

"This weekend." Rachel answered, her arms folded.   
"You need to go." Cassie told them. "It's a perfect opportunity for closure."  
Rachel shrugged. "I have closure."  
"Okay." Cassie clearly didn't believe her. "Then go have fun, Schwim, or go because it's Grease, go because it's your friends, it's your high school."  
"Rachel, I'm going." Kurt suddenly blurted out, sighing and catching the smile Cassie sent him. Apparently she'd been talking to both of them and not just Rachel. "I need to see him, I haven't seen him since... I'm not sleeping, I'm living off of The Notebook." He knew Rachel thought he was being over dramatic, but at the moment he didn't care. He needed her support just like he'd supported her multiple times. "Please come with me... I can't do it alone."  
  
"Look, even if I wanted to go, which I don't, we don't have the money." Rachel shrugged, giving Kurt a pointed look and he looked off to one side, sighing. "Kurt's an intern and I spent all of my money on my last trip home, so-"  
Cassie looked up at Kurt and shook her head slightly. He didn't notice, but she turned back to Rachel. "Well I could give you my JetBlue frequent flyer miles. I can't use them, ever since I was banned from my Bloody Mary-fueled panic attack at 30,000 feet, which resulted in the hospitalisation of three flight attendants." She stood up, folding her arms. "And don't go if you don't want to, but I just think you'll regret missing it." She shrugged and Rachel looked to Kurt. He looked down, not wanting to start an argument and Cassie sighed, handing Rachel a piece of paper which Kurt assumed was the info to get the flyer miles. 

Rachel asked if Kurt wanted to go get some coffee and he said he was going to look around NYADA a little bit. She nodded and left, agreeing to meet with him at the on-campus coffee shop in twenty minutes. He agreed and sighed, shaking his head slightly once she'd gone.   
He turned to Cassie. "I just wanted to say thank you for the miles-"  
"You not in NYADA?" She asked, interrupting him.   
He nodded slightly. "I didn't get accepted. But-but I'm re-applying for next semester..."  
She smiled slightly. "I think you should." She continued stretching. "Come on, do some more stretches with me."

He didn't know why she was talking to him, but he quickly continued stretching with her.   
"I'm someone who knows a fair bit about breakdowns." She suddenly told him. He stared at her, confused as to where this conversation was going. "It's not difficult to see that you're in the middle of one. Tell me about your ex. Abusive?"  
He shook his head quickly. "No, no, he wasn't just... He cheated on me recently and we broke up, so I've been a bit down..." He shrugged.   
She nodded slightly. "Ok, if you say he wasn't abusive then I'll accept that. You applying for my dance class when you get in right?"  
"Yes, if I get in-"  
"WHEN you get in." She told him sternly, standing and smiling. He stood as well, nervously pushing his hands into his pockets and nodding slightly. "And I hope that you have more confidence by then, because you seem eager, and willing, and I don't think it's right to put yourself down so much."

"How do you-"  
"I know people, trust me." She shrugged. "Kurt, was it?"   
He nodded.   
"I look forward to seeing you in my class, Kurt." She pulled her bag onto his shoulder and headed out of the room, leaving a stunned Kurt behind. He didn't know what to think, Rachel had told him how mean and horrible Cassie July was, but she had just helped Kurt feel better after a long day. She had even called him by his name, not just that, his FIRST name, when Rachel had told him everyone else got dubbed horrible nicknames. 

He really didn't understand why all the 'horrible' teachers ended up having a soft spot for him, like Coach Sue and Cassie, but he wasn't going to argue. He headed out of the room and looked around for a little bit with the last ten minutes he had before he had to meet Rachel, and sighed, hoping he got in like Cassie had said. This place was a dream.  
  
\------------  
  
Isabelle had told him she didn't need him for a few days, and especially since she was supposed to give him days off legally. He'd laughed and thanked her and after a long week of Blaine trying to win him back over, and working constantly and hanging out with Rachel when they got a chance, the weekend had arrived quicker than they thought it would.   
They packed their bags, planning on staying for a couple days. The show wasn't until the Saturday night, so they had Saturday day time to hang out with their families. They got on the late night flight and Kurt decided to just try and sleep on the plane, but he knew he probably wouldn't be able to, and before he knew it, they were landing in Ohio.   
  
Rachel was staying round Kurt's that night and they'd go to visit her dads the next morning.   
They got there quite late, Burt and Carole were on the sofa watching TV and they jumped up to come and hug the two of them.   
"It's so good to see you, dad..." Kurt mumbled, feeling safe in his dad's arms.   
Burt pulled back and looked over his son. "Has something happened? You sound upset?"  
Kurt looked at him for a moment and shook his head slightly, turning to Rachel. "You can take your stuff up to my room, I'll be up soon."  
She nodded, knowing he needed a minute with his dad. "Good to see you again, Mr. Hummel, Mrs. Hudson."  
Carole also excused herself, telling them she was going to make everyone coffee. 

"What's going on, son?" Burt asked as Kurt slumped down into Finn's usual spot.   
"Me and Blaine broke up." Kurt told him and Burt's jaw set.   
"He hurt you?" He asked, immediately angry and defensive. "I swear to god, if he hurt you-"  
"I'm fine dad." He told him, sighing. "It's fine. It doesn't matter how it happened, I just thought I'd tell you."  
Burt nodded slightly. "Alright, as long as you're ok."  
"I'm ok, dad." Kurt smiled slightly. "I'm going to McKinley with Rachel tomorrow to see Grease."

Burt nodded. "Yeah, Finn won't stop talking about it."  
Kurt chuckled slightly. "He is still the same lovable man-child." He rolled his eyes and his dad laughed.   
Once he'd said thanks to Carole for letting them stay the night and for the coffee, he headed upstairs. They hung out for a while until Rachel fell asleep, and he sighed, staring up at the ceiling until he couldn't sit still anymore, and headed to Finn's room, knowing he'd still be up, and knocked shyly.   
  
Finn seemed confused at first when he answered, though smiled when he realised it was Kurt. "Hey, dude."  
"Hey..." Kurt smiled slightly. "Busy?"  
Finn shook with head with a chuckle, holding the door to one side for his brother to come in. The same as used to happen when Kurt was feeling down and needed someone to be around when they were in school. Finn didn't know how low Kurt had been feeling, but assumed he got lonely sometimes, so almost always invited him in when he turned up at his door. "COD or Borderlands?" He asked as Kurt perched on the end of his bed, picking up a controller.   
"Borderlands of course." Kurt smirked, and Finn laughed, putting the disk in and they played for a while. 

\-----------

"Get your hand out of Nick's ass, Jeff." Kurt smirked, watching the two quickly turn to look at him. He'd caught them in worse positions after all. "You're in public."  
"OH MY GOD, KURT!" Nick ran over to him, hugging him tightly. "What are you doing here?"  
Kurt shrugged slightly. "I'm in town for a couple days, thought I'd visit."   
"Is that Kurt Hummel, I see?" Wes asked, coming down the corridor to him, followed by a couple others he knew, and a couple he didn't. "Thought you'd be too good for us since you went to New York?" He joked, making Kurt laugh.   
"Well, I have to give myself humility every so often~" He joked, letting them drag him to the choir room. 

"Hunter." Once of the new boys spoke, shaking his hand.   
"Kurt, ex-Warbler." He nodded to the shorter boy.   
Jeff took a hold of Kurt's arm. "Oh, Kurt, does this mean we can go to the cinema like we planned?" He asked, excitedly and Kurt chuckled.   
"Of course!" He replied.   
"You'll sing with us, right?" Nick spoke up and Kurt hadn't felt this included since he'd left Dalton in all honesty. He loved the New Directions, he loved McKinley, he loved his friends. And even though he didn't always feel like he could shine or be himself in the Warblers, he knew he had a place and that he belonged with them, and that was a nice, comforting feeling. Even the new guys in the Warblers seemed to welcome him like he was one of their own. 

"Oh, no, I couldn't-" Kurt blushed slightly, everyone watching him.   
"Oh, come on! Please?" Nick begged and he chuckled, giving in.  
"Ok, ok, fine, what should we sing?" He asked, laughing as Nick and Jeff cheered happily. "One from the good old days?"  
Jeff gasped, getting an idea. "Blackbird! That was such a good job you did for that one, we all loved it!"  
Kurt wasn't expecting that, but when the other Warblers agreed he laughed, agreeing too. 

When they were singing a more poppy version of Blackbird, someone very familiar walked in, confused. Kurt shrugged at him, laughing slightly as he continued singing.   
Sebastian watched him, expression unreadable, folding his arms as he lent against the doorway. When everyone had sung the final notes, he clapped.   
"Well, well, what a surprise, Hummel." He smirked.   
"Oh no, don't you two start arguing again!" Jeff scolded them and they both laughed, making the younger boy confused.   
"Don't worry, Jeff." Kurt rolled his eyes. "We're fine now."  
"Really?" Nick asked, thoroughly confused.   
Kurt shrugged slightly. "We made up. Anyway, I have plans later, so should we head to the cinema?" He asked.   
Nick and Jeff began discussing what film they should go see when Sebastian pulled Kurt to one side. 

"What?" Kurt asked, quietly, folding his arms and raising a brow.   
"Why are you back here?" Sebastian almost hissed. "Don't tell me it's to see Anderson."  
Kurt scoffed. "No! The school play, it's Grease, and all my friends are in it." He shrugged slightly.   
"That sounds like an excuse to me..." Sebastian muttered and Kurt glared at him slightly.   
"You know what, Smythe, you don't know me that well, ok? I don't want to face the music, but I need to see him... Even if it's just to get closure."  
"It's a mistake, Kurt..." Sebastian lowered his voice, his green eyes searching Kurt's bright blue ones. "Please just listen to me for once."

Kurt shook his head a little, looking to one side. "I'm not going for him, I'm going to support my friends."  
"The same friends who've abandoned you multiple times because of him?" Sebastian almost spat his words out and Kurt stared at him.   
"Not to be rude or anything, but it's not like you've really cared much in the past." He paused after he finished talking and closed his eyes, letting out a sigh. "I didn't mean... I'm glad we're... acquaintances now, but I need to do this..."  
Sebastian watched him, not knowing what to say. Kurt's words had annoyed him, but he knew he couldn't control the other boy, they weren't even friends after all, right? "Fine... it's your choice."  
Kurt looked upset and angry, but smiled when Jeff came over, that mask going back up like it was nothing and that just made Sebastian worry even more. 

"Hey, Sebastian, wanna come to the cinema with us?" Nick asked.   
Sebastian smiled. "Sure thing."  
"What are we seeing?" Kurt asked, getting dragged off by the boys.   
"We don't know exactly what's on, so we're gonna check when we get there." Nick explained. "Or argue for three hours about what to see like usual."   
Jeff offered him a playful glare. "Not my fault you have no taste."  
"Now, now, boys, let's not have a spat." Kurt rolled his eyes, smirking.   
"I'll drive us." Sebastian offered and he, Kurt, Niff, Wes and David headed out into the parking lot, piling into Sebastian's car. 

"Don't you want to invite Blaine?" David asked Kurt.   
Kurt froze, opening his mouth to answer, but looked down, suddenly feeling anxious about having to tell his old friends about the fact that him and Blaine broke up, especially since they all LOVED Blaine and would probably kick him out if he told them they weren't together anymore. "We, um..."  
"We're not inviting that dick." Sebastian told them sternly, leaving no room for argument.   
Everyone looked confused and Jeff turned to Kurt, knowing something was wrong. "Did something happen?" He whispered so nobody but Kurt and Nick could hear him. The countertenor sighed.   
"We broke up..." He mumbled, seeing his friends eyes go wide and expecting them to kick him out of the car, but they just hugged him. He was confused, but hugged them back.

When the day was over and Kurt had to go to find Rachel before they went to McKinley, he made sure to get anyone's numbers he didn't already have, hugged everyone goodbye - apart from Sebastian because they definitely weren't that close - and bid his goodbyes, promising to call them the next time he came home. Jeff and Nick said they would come visit New York soon when on Spring Break and he thought that was an amazing idea, laughing when everyone else - again, not Sebastian - said they'd come as well.   
And he headed back to Lima to face the music.

\------------  
  
"All right, well, just remember, no matter how many times people ask, we have to stick to our five autograph limit." Rachel reminded him and he smirked. He was shaking slightly but she didn't notice, even though their arms were hooked together.   
"Right, I'm more concerned about running into you-know-who."  
"You'll be fine." Rachel told him.   
"Oh, look, it's your locker next to my locker~" He grinned, pointing down the corridor.   
Rachel giggled. "Remember that time you got out of that date with Mercedes by saying that you had a thing for me?"  
  
"Yeah, it still burns my ass to this day!" Someone else's voice came and they turned to see Mercedes stood there, smiling.   
"Yes! Honey." Kurt hugged her quickly, Rachel joining in.  
"Oh, my God, guys!" She grinned, squeezing them.   
"It's amazing you guys came to see the musical. Look, these kids are ready to bring the house down."  
Kurt chuckled. "How are you? Tell us everything."  
"Oh, life is crazy busy." Mercedes smiled. "You know, it's not easy balancing UCLA classes and recording backup vocals or having Puckerman always hit me up for sugar mamas' phone numbers." She rolled her eyes, earning laughed. "But life is good."  
"Good." Kurt smiled, happy for one of his best friends.   
Mercedes grabbed their hands. "Oh, you guys have to come backstage and say hi!" She began dragging them down the corridor before they could protest. "They're gonna freak when they see who's here."  
  
\------------  
  
Kurt's mind was going a mile a minute when his eyes locked onto Blaine. He saw Rachel tense up as well when she noticed Finn. Blaine clocked him and quickly stood up, not sure whether to smile or cry. "Kurt? I-I didn't think I'd see you this weekend."  
Kurt tried to force himself to reply, but nothing would come out.  
"We wouldn't miss it for the world." Rachel saved him. "Would we Kurt?"  
"Rachel." Finn nodded, coming over.   
"Finn, hey. How are you?" She offered a small smile.  
"Good. A little surprised to see you, but I'm gonna go put the kids through their warm-up." Finn shrugged slightly.   
"How are you?" Blaine asked them both.  
"I'm good." Kurt shrugged slightly, finding his voice.   
  
"I'm really good." Rachel smiled.   
Kurt sighed. "Just busy and Rachel has her first big audition for an off-Broadway show next week." Kurt tried to draw the attention to the girl before he vomited everywhere form the mix of emotions that were running around inside him.   
"Wow, that's awesome, congratulations." Blaine smiled at her and Kurt's heart fluttered a little, seeing his ex smile like that for the first time in a while. He didn't want to miss him but every instinct he had told him to just forgive him. But he couldn't, he needed to stay strong otherwise he would thoroughly spiral.   
  
"Thanks." Rachel smiled back.   
Finn watched the way Kurt was looking and decided to jump in. "Look, this is-this is really, really weird..."  
"Mm-hmm." Rachel nodded.   
"But the four of us had a lot of history between us, so I just want to say it's cool you came to see our show." Finn smiled, patting Kurt on the shoulder as he lead Blaine away, not giving him chance to talk to Kurt. Kurt was so thankful for his brother. He quickly turned to Rachel, beginning to freak out.   
  
"You were right." He blurted out, his breathing deepening. "It was a mistake to come. I'm gonna throw up-"  
She took a hold of his arms and he forced himself to breathe. "Look, you're gonna be fine, all right? I'm gonna be sitting right next to you, and we're gonna be holding hands and laughing and applauding, and we are never, ever gonna let them see us sweat. Okay?"   
He nodded slightly, but was still shaking. He followed her to the seats.   
  
\------------  
  
"What's wrong?" Rachel asked him half way through. He didn't realise he was on the verge of tears, imagining himself and Blaine up on the stage singing to each other.   
He took a shaky breath. "I just need a minute." And without another word he was standing up and walking out.   
  
\------------  
  
"Bye." He heard Rachel tell Finn and he walked over, stroking a hand over her arm in support.   
"Are you ok?" He asked, glancing between the two of them.  
"I just want to go home." Rachel shook her head and began walking away, Kurt sent Finn an apologetic look before following her.   
"I thought this was home?" Finn called after them and they turned back to look at him.   
Rachel shook her head. "Doesn't feel like it anymore."  
  
They heard someone running down the corridor and Kurt's heart leapt into this throat as he turned and saw Blaine. "Kurt, I need to talk to you."  
"You okay?" Rachel asked him softly and he nodded, Rachel walking away a little, but staying close in case.  
"I'm not interested." Kurt told Blaine, no emotion in his tone. He needed to stay strong, and running back to Blaine would be the opposite of what he needs right now, no matter how much he wanted to. Sebastian, Nick and Jeff were right, he needed to be alone for a while no matter how much he was hurting. He wouldn't let Blaine win. Not right now anyway.   
"I-I never told you about what happened!" Blaine told him, desperate. "The guy that I hooked up with I need you to know everything-"  
  
"What are you gonna tell me, that it wasn't serious? That you only made out? That you didn't care about him? I didn't care." Kurt told him, folding his arms and almost glaring at his ex. "Do you think any of that matters to me? Relationships are about trust and I don't trust you anymore." He paused for a second, seeing the hurt in Blaine's eyes, but he steeled his jaw, trying not to let his upset show, especially when he realised himself that he might never trust his first love again. "I was stupid to come back." He began walking away. "Rachel's right, this isn't home anymore."


	9. Not a Hero

Sam had to admit that he didn't remember Blaine liking superheros much, or nerdy things like that in general. In fact he remembered Blaine being confused about him reading comic books in class a couple times. But he supposed people could start liking different things, after all, Blaine hadn't liked him at first, but over time he grew to. He was sure that's what it was.  
Blaine hadn't explained what had happened with Kurt, but he'd been moping around and ignoring everyone's attempts to get him to call the other boy or at least text him, so something bad must have happened between them. Kurt wouldn't explain either, saying he didn't want to talk about it and that he was fine. So Sam stopped texting, Kurt must have been ok, right?  
In all honestly Sam had grown apart from the other boy once Blaine had joined the school, at first because he didn't want to offend Kurt and Blaine or their relationship by not having the best friendship with Blaine, after that it was because he'd become friends with Blaine, so he drifted apart from Kurt.

He was knocked from his thoughts when someone ran into the room, saying they all needed to follow.  
"Someone took our Nationals trophy and left that laptop in its place!" Tina explained as she lead the way into the choir room.  
"Who leaves a laptop?" Sam asked.  
"Someone rich, someone who wanted to send us a message." Artie answered.  
Blaine headed to the laptop."I got this..."

'Greetings, New Directions! You have been living as national champions on borrowed time, and that ends now. We have your trophy, soon we'll have your title as well. The great reckoning is at hand for Sectionals... Your move.'  
  
\------------

Sebastian had been woken up that night by one Mr Kurt Hummel, having another panic attack. He had to admit, even on a couple hours sleep and an overload of coffee - aka, full bitch Sebastian mode - he was finding himself more and more worried about the other boy. Which was something he never thought he'd admit to himself.   
There was just something that concerned him so much in Kurt's eyes. Like he'd given up and couldn't wait to embrace death.  
Sebastian knew he was probably overreacting, he also knew he'd asked more questions and seen more bad signs from the other boy in the one day he was in New York than his friends probably had in months... heck, maybe even years. 

He guessed maybe that was why he had been so against Sebastian and his relationship toward Blaine, it made sense. Blaine had been Kurt's boyfriend, probably one of the only gay guys Kurt had met, heck maybe even the ONLY gay guy Kurt had met, at least openly.   
He was his first love - that much was obvious - and it must have felt nice to be loved back in more than a platonic way. He didn't agree with all that romantic crap, but he could understand it.   
His friends not asking any questions or even noticed if he was in distress probably made Blaine look like a frigging saint. 

All that sass and high-strung attitude was just an act, Sebastian could see that clearly now. Well, he knew Kurt was a firecracker and could quip back at any one without a beat - he actually found it quite amusing most of the time, even admittedly when it was directed at himself - and the other boy could clearly stand up for himself like no one else could. But he hid behind a projected version of that. It was obvious to anyone who gave a shit enough to look properly, that he was scared. Not just scared; insecure, pained, underappreciated. And if you get that used to hiding the more fragile part of yourself, it became easier to hide. 

Sebastian had heard from Niff that Kurt had come to Dalton because of bullying, and that made Sebastian feel worse about being so horrible to him for no reason when they first met. Maybe he had been one of his tormentors as well...  
But now that knew each other better, and even though he'd never admit it, he supposed they were friends. Which didn't make Sebastian mad, or embarrassed. If anything he felt somewhat honoured to be friends with someone as awesome as he'd found out Kurt was. And again, he would NEVER admit that, but it was nice to know, he guessed. 

"What on earth are you guys doing?" He asked, looking up from his phone and his texts with Kurt to look at the large trophy that sat in the room.  
Hunter turned to him, still laughing. "We took the New Directions trophy."   
Sebastian pocket his phone and walked over, raising a brow. "Why?" He sounded exasperated and realised he probably needed more coffee to wake up a bit before he went into bitch mode and sipped some from his cup.   
"Because, we have a plan." Hunter answered, like it was the most obvious thing ever.   
"And that is?" Sebastian sighed, sitting on the sofa and taking his phone back out.

"Easy, we need a winning piece, and who better than a legendary Warbler?" Hunter asked, pointing to the trophy for the other guys to take it away, probably to some pre-planned place.   
Sebastian looked up at him, frowning. "You don't mean..."  
"Blaine Anderson was one of the most popular Warbler's of all time, everyone knows it." Hunter shrugged. "Like I said, we need a winning piece."  
Sebastian stood, folding his arms. "We are so much better than we used to be, we don't need Anderson."  
Hunter rolled his eyes. "We've been doing fine, for now. But we need everything we can get to go to Nationals, we need to be the best of the best-"  
"And Anderson isn't going to do that for us."   
"He will. Especially when I force him to face the truth." Hunter told him, no longer smiling. 

"And WHAT 'truth' is that?" Sebastian stalked over to the smaller boy, becoming angry. There was no way in hell he would let Blaine back into the Warblers.  
Hunter rolled his eyes. "That he only moved to that fourth-rate school for his boyfriend. They're not together anymore, and as much as I liked Kurt, Blaine is THE Warbler. He belongs here." He sighed. "Look, Sebastian, you gave up any way in recruiting when you gave up your roll as head-Warbler."   
"Anderson won't be good for the Warblers." Sebastian told him, almost pleading. "Unless you want the rest of us, including yourself, stuck in the background constantly, just swaying while he sings every song."  
Hunter sighed, shrugging. "We want to win." He told him, bluntly. "Figure out if you do too." And with that, Hunter left, and Sebastian found himself getting worked up.

He left the Warbler's choir room and headed back to his dorm, pacing around a little before forcing himself to calm down, getting changed and laying on his bed. He texted Kurt, figuring a friendly conversation with the other boy would help somewhat.

\------------

"What's wrong?" Kurt's voice came when Sebastian answered the phone. He was caught off guard, half expecting Kurt to be having another breakdown or something.  
"What do you mean, princess?" He replied, finally finding his voice.   
He could practically HEAR Kurt rolling his eyes. "I can tell when people aren't feeling like themselves, it's sorta my thing."   
Sebastian chuckled.   
"So, what's up?" Kurt asked again. "You seem distracted and somewhat snappy."  
Sebastian sighed. "Just Warbler stuff."  
"Ah, I know that one." Kurt smirked. "Is someone hogging all the spotlight?"

Sebastian couldn't help but smile, though he didn't feel it. Probably because he knew Kurt was talking about Blaine, and it could probably count as progress if Kurt could joke about his ex. "Not yet, but probably soon." He muttered. "It's stupid, doesn't matter, I don't even know why I'm getting worked up about it."  
"It's not stupid, whatever effects you effects you, everyone's different." Kurt answered breezily, like it was the simplest thing in the world. "Anyway, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."  
"Good, I need a distraction." Sebastian chuckled. "So, how was Vogue?"   
"I love Isabelle, but I know she knows something's up with the whole Blaine situation, so I'm just trying to get on with work and avoid having a deep conversation as much as I can." Kurt chuckled and Sebastian found himself smiling, happy to talk to his new friend and distracted from his anger for the time being.   
He didn't understand how talking to Kurt made him feel better, but he could see why Kurt's friends always went to him constantly for help. He had a way of relaxing people, being there for them. 

\------------

Blaine wasn't listening to Finn as he addressed the Glee club, but tuned in when the tall boy began talking about his plans for sectionals and he couldn't keep quiet. "We're national champions now, which means we have to exceed all expectations, so if that's your best idea, I I don't think we stand a chance." He stood, shouldering his bag and heading to the door.   
"Wait, where are you going?" Finn asked, confused. He was also still mad about what had happened with Kurt, so Blaine leaving when they were preparing for a competition wasn't exactly helping.  
Blaine sighed and turned to look at him. "I'm going to get our trophy back from the Warblers; the one you haven't even noticed is missing."  
  
\------------  
  
Blaine wandered through the school, looking around with nostalgia. He would be lying if he said he didn't miss Dalton sometimes, and when he came to the big staircase where he'd met Kurt he paused. Shaking his head and trying not to think about it, he headed to the choir room, seeing Sebastian stood outside. "Sebastian. Of course it was you."  
Sebastian tried to play the game like normal, showing Blaine he'd have to hang around the boy who almost blinded him if he returned. "No, it wasn't, I swear." He shrugged with a smirk. "I turned over a new leaf, remember? No more bullying, blackmail or assault this year."  
"That must be boring for you." Blaine spat and Sebastian felt his anger grow, but managed not to glare at the other boy.  
"Yeah, it is; Being nice sucks." He ground out, reminding himself that punching Blaine would get him excluded from school for a while. "He's waiting for you in the library."  
  
"Who is?" Blaine followed Sebastian as he set off down the corridor.  
Sebastian rolled his eyes since his back was turned to the other boy. "The guy you're here to see." He turned to him when they reached the library. "Captain of the Warblers."  
Blaine watched him carefully. "I thought YOU were captain of the Warblers?"  
"I knew they'd send you." Someone else's voice came and Sebastian motioned toward the library with a fake smirk. Blaine walked into the room and Sebastian let himself frown, he really didn't want to be here for this. "Allow me to answer the obvious questions. I'm Hunter Clarington, I am the new captain of the Warblers, and I'm not even remotely bi-curious."  
  
"How are you captain of the Warblers when?" Blaine asked, looking around as more Warbler's walked into the room.  
"When you've never seen me before? Simple." Hunter shrugged. "Dalton just gave me a full scholarship to move here from Colorado Springs, where I led my military academy choir to a Regionals victory with presidential honours." He stood and walked over to Blaine. "Now I'm here to kick it up a notch, and that starts with you."  
"That's very intimidating." Blaine mumbled sarcastically. "Where's the trophy, Hunter?"  
Hunter sighed. "Don't worry, it's safe. It was just bait after all." Hunter smirked when Blaine raised a brow. "See, you're kind of a legend here, I like that. So here's my offer; your little diversity club can have its Nationals trophy back when you rejoin the Warblers."

"And why would I ever leave McKinley?"Blaine asked, but it was obvious his resolve was already wearing down.  
"Why would you stay? I heard you only went there to be with Kurt, right?" Hunter shrugged. Blaine bristled a bit, but didn't say anything. "In fact, I hear they even call you Blaine Warbler. They know you don't belong there, so why don't you?"  
"We all know the real Blaine, Blaine. ambitious, driven. You're a Dalton boy." Sebastian cut in, though he didn't want to, he knew Hunter would be mad at him and give him a terrible part for future competitions if he didn't help. He just hoped Blaine would be reminded that he was there, and always would be, and that he would realise he didn't want to come back if Sebastian was there.   
"Present the blazer." Hunter spoke up.  
  
"That's not going to work on me." Blaine told him, but looked to one of his old blazers.   
"Then why be afraid to try it on?" Hunter shrugged, smirking when Blaine let them put the blazer on him. "Here's the thing, Blaine. You know that Nationals trophy was a fluke, just like you know we're going to win at Sectionals. Now, I don't want to see a Dalton legend like you sidelined in his senior year, I want you on the winning side, here with us."  
"You know what goes great with a new Dalton blazer? An impromptu song." Sebastian spoke up, surprising the other boys. Hunter knew Sebastian was against Blaine returning, and probably clocked on that he wanted to prove a point by getting Blaine to sing.   
"What? No, no." Blaine looked around bashfully and Sebastian gave Hunter a pointed look, who responded with a shrug, but there was something in the other boys eyes that made Sebastian want to laugh. Hopefully Hunter would continue to see how easy it was to sway Blaine, especially if being the lead in a song was in the mix.   
"Oh, come on, one song for your old buddies." Hunter asked, a test.  
"Guys, I didn't come here to sing a song." Blaine told them, but it was obvious he wanted to sing. So when the Warblers began singing, he began harmonising and soon was singing as the lead.   
  
Sebastian stood next to Hunter, watching the other Warbler's singing and smirked. "See?"  
"Yes, fine... Maybe we don't need him..." Hunter muttered. "If you tell anyone I'm wrong then I'll kill you." He added casually and Sebastian laughed.   
"Deal. But we can't let him come back."  
Hunter sighed. "Yeah, I know. In all honesty I should have thought more about it before."  
Sebastian looked at him, wondering what he meant.   
"Kurt was a decent dude, it was fun hanging out with him. I should have known there was something off about Blaine for him to hurt Kurt in some way. Nick and Jeff said they'd broken up."  
Sebastian nodded a little. "So we need to make sure he doesn't transfer."  
  
\------------  
  
"What'd I tell you? Flawless." Sebastian shrugged, fighting off the urge to roll his eyes.   
Blaine took off his blazer and went to hand it back. "Keep it." Hunter told him. "It's already yours. Don't you think it's time you came back where you belong Blaine Warbler?"   
"Look guys, I do miss Dalton, but I'm at McKinley now, and..." He paused and glanced at Sebastian. Sebastian tried not to glare at him, but kept his expression blank. He knew Blaine had cheated on Kurt. He also knew that now that Blaine was single, he'd probably be fine with fucking Sebastian. But he wasn't ok with that, he tried to convey the past in the look he gave Blaine, the slushie, how horrible he was to the New Directions. He hoped Blaine was catch on and decide to stay at McKinley. "And I'm-I'm happy in the New Directions."  
"I'm sure you are. But consider our offer, and let me know." Hunter smirked, and with that they all left the choir room.   
"If he doesn't decide to stay at McKinley, I think I have a backup plan." Sebastian told him as they walked away down the corridor. 

\------------  
  
"Hey, you got a minute?" Blaine asked Finn.  
The other boy put his phone away, he'd been trying to get a hold of Blaine since he walked out of Glee Club. "Yeah. Dude, I was just gonna text you, how's 'Operation: Rescue-Recovery' going?"  
"Well, when I went back to Dalton, all those blazers and singing with the Warblers again-"  
"Wait, wait..." Finn stopped him, watching him to look for any sign of him joking. "What, you sang with the Warblers?"  
"It just sort of happened." Blaine shrugged. "But they embraced me like I was a long-lost brother, it was like in X-Men 2, when Pyro left the X-Men to join Magneto's Brotherhood. It-it just felt right, like... maybe I belong with the Warblers?"  
Finn shook his head, not believing what he was hearing, he'd have some things to say to the Warblers that was for sure. And if he didn't, then Sam would.   
"Dude, no, no, you belong here, with us, okay? Does this have to do with Kurt?" Finn asked, realising what this might be about. 

Blaine shrugged defensively. "Everything in this room reminds me of him... We were a dynamic duo in here, Kurt was my anchor, Finn, and now that he's gone, I just I feel like I'm floating... and you-you need a team that's gonna gel."  
"Yes." Finn agreed. "Absolutely, we need a team with a lot of gel and you're, like, the biggest part of that."  
Blaine looked down. "I'm sorry, Finn, but the Warblers are my birthright and my destiny." He shrugged again before leaving the other boy in the choir room.   
  
\------------  
  
"You guys, I don't smell raspberry hair gel." Brittany spoke up later that day when everyone had gathered in the choir room. "Does anybody know where Blaine Warbler is?"  
Finn paused but sighed. "Uh, well, as some of you guys might know, uh, recently, Blaine has been going through a bit of a rough time-"  
"Oh, boo-hoo." Kitty rolled her eyes. "Get over it, It's like a bad Lifetime movie."  
"-and he's decided to finish the rest of his senior year at Dalton Academy." Finn finished, as if he'd not been interrupted.   
"He's been taken by the Dark Side..." Sam muttered.   
  
\------------  
  
"Smythe." Sam called out, finding Sebastian exactly where expected him to be. "We need to talk." He stated as Sebastian turned to face him.   
"Couldn't agree more." he smirked and Sam looked confused. "Drink?" He turned back to his place in the queue and Sam, still completely confused, took a spot next to him. "What do you drink?"  
"Just milky coffee." Sam shrugged, finally finding his voice. "Um, so-"  
"Not yet, drink first, then we talk." Sebastian sighed, stepping up to the barista and ordering the drinks. They stood in silence while they waited for the drinks to be made and then headed over to one of the seats. "So, how can I help you, Sam?" Sebastian put on his best smile, despite knowing that Sam had been one of the ones - like everyone else - who abandoned Kurt for Blaine when he showed up. 

Sam took a sip of his drink, eyeing the other boy wearily. "Well, I know about your plan to steal Blaine-"  
"I don't want Blaine." Sebastian told him bluntly and Sam paused again.  
"You're lying... This is just part of your master plan." Sam muttered, though the confidence he'd felt when he came to confront Sebastian was quickly fading. "You can't have Blaine-"  
"We don't WANT Blaine."   
Sam was utterly confused now. "Then why is he transferring back to Dalton?"   
Sebastian sighed. "Look, I'm not captain of the Warblers anymore, I warned them not to try and get him back, but they wouldn't listen until I showed them just how much of an attention whore that little hobbit is." He was trying to keep his disgust at Blaine out of this, but he couldn't help it seeping in. 

"I thought you liked Blaine?" Sam asked, thoroughly distracted by that thread instead of the topic at hand.   
Sebastian sighed. "I'll level with you, I tried to get close to Blaine to convince him to move back to Dalton. He was cute, don't get me wrong, a bit preppy and WAY too bright eyed and innocent." He shrugged. "But I know what he did to Kurt. What you all are choosing to FORGET what he did to his supposed 'love of his life'. He hurt him. A lot."  
"Since when do you care about Kurt?"  
"Someone has to." Sebastian blanched, his expression turning hard. "Because none of you do. Not since Blaine turned up at least, and from what I can gather most of you didn't before that."  
"We do care-"  
"Really?" Sebastian scoffed. "Well, tell me this then, what did he do to Kurt?" He lent forward in his seat, staring at Sam, waiting for an answer as the other boy looked down at the table, not actually able to answer the question. "Just as I thought, he didn't tell you."

"So what happens now?" Sam asked, trying to turn the conversation back to where it had been. But that seed of doubt and guilt was placed in the back of his mind and he couldn't quite shake it. "You don't want Blaine in the Warblers, we want him to stay, he wants to leave... What do we do?"  
Sebastian sighed. "That I don't know. I was hoping he'd change his mind." He took a swig of his drink. "I guess you'll have to get creative, remind him why he should stay. Tell him he should forgive himself for what happened to Kurt. Because if anything can get through to him, it's someone stroking his ego and telling him he's right and someone else is wrong." He stood. "And maybe you should actually take a moment to check in with the boy that was there for you a LOT more than Anderson ever was, after all, didn't you and Blaine used to hate each other?" He shrugged and turned to leave. 

"Sebastian." Sam called out, he couldn't shake that feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Thanks..."  
Sebastian shrugged again. "You really shouldn't be trying to get Anderson to stay so much, but if you're taking him off our hands you're free to him."  
Sam nodded slightly and watched the other boy leave. He felt uncomfortable now, like that guilty feeling wouldn't stop nagging at the back of his head. Like he knew he should have heard Kurt's side before he automatically accepted that Blaine didn't do anything wrong. And he suddenly realised that Blaine's answer when he asked him would probably make him feel even guiltier, especially if he had to tell the other boy that he should forgive himself... But, Blaine was his friend. Right? Either way, they had to convince Blaine to stay, everyone was disappointed with him leaving and they needed him for sectionals.   
  
\------------  
  
"Dude, this is part of some master plan, right?" Sam asked as he found Blaine the next day. He'd tried to relax all night but that feeling wouldn't leave him. "You're going back to the Warblers to gather Intel for us so we can kick their ass at Sectionals."  
"Sam, don't." Blaine sighed, closing his locker and leaning back against it. "I feel awful enough as it is."  
Sam braced himself, he had to make Blaine stay, even if that feeling wouldn't leave. "Stop, okay? You've been beating yourself up for, like, weeks since you and Kurt broke up! But going back to Dalton? You told Finn it was 'cause you feel more at home there, if you ask me, it's just another way to punish yourself." He took a deep breath and forced himself to say the rest. "And for what? What did you do, exactly?" He demanded.

Blaine paused for a second, staring into space. "...It was a guy that friended me on Facebook."  
Sam felt anger boil inside him and pushed down his emotions for now, and now? He understood why Sebastian had been pissed, even if he didn't understand why he suddenly cared about Kurt. He felt even guiltier, not knowing this sort of thing was going on and not caring enough about Kurt to ask Blaine what he'd done. He'd immediately thought Blaine had done nothing wrong and just accepted it without questioning the boy? He had some questions to ask himself later, that was for sure. "I went over to his place because it felt like Kurt was moving on with his life and I wasn't a part of it... And I got to thinking that maybe Kurt and I weren't meant for each other, that we weren't supposed to spend the rest of our lives together." Sam nodded slightly, realising Blaine wasn't exactly apologetic, more trying to make excuses. Kurt had been in New York for a couple of weeks and he'd cheated? And said the reason was because it felt like Kurt was moving on? After a couple weeks? That didn't sound right to him, but he ignored those feelings for now. "But the horrible thing is, right after I did it I knew that we were."  
  
"Dude, you got to tell Kurt that." Sam told him, maybe if Kurt and Blaine made up then he wouldn't feel as guilty about the whole thing. Knowing the boy who had given him clothes when he was homeless and let him stay at his house when he moved back was probably in a lot of pain miles away and he hadn't even cared enough to send more than a couple messages?   
"What, you think I haven't told him that? You think I haven't tried?" Blaine asked, clearly mad that Kurt wouldn't listen to him, though Sam supposed that he wouldn't either if he'd been cheated on after a couple weeks of long distance. Heck, he remembered how it felt when Quinn had cheated on him, he hadn't wanted to talk to her at all, and they hadn't even been dating that long. Kurt and Blaine had been dating for well over a year!  
"Calm down." Sam said, pushing himself back into the conversation. "It's okay."  
  
"No, it's not okay, Sam, 'cause I cheated on the one person that I love more than anything in this world, I hurt him, so of course he's not gonna trust me!" Blaine almost shouted, like he deserved to be forgiven, almost as if it was stupid for Kurt to NOT have forgiven him by now. "He's never gonna forgive me..." He muttered, a victim in this.   
"Even if he doesn't, you got to forgive yourself." Sam said, knowing it was the only thing he could say because all the thoughts that were floating round his head were too harsh for the moment, besides, he needed to think about things properly before he jumped to conclusions or attacked his friend. "You got to stop What's-what's the word when you make someone into a villain?"  
"Uh Villainize?" Blaine offered, as if he'd been waiting for Sam or anyone to tell him he shouldn't feel bad about what had happened.  
"Yeah, you got to stop villainizing yourself." Sam answered, though he really didn't want to make Blaine think he had nothing to feel bad about. "Yeah, you hurt Kurt; That wasn't cool, so you're trying to make it right. But exiling yourself to Dalton won't fix anything."  
  
"I just want to stop feeling like I'm a bad person." Ah, there it was. Blaine didn't feel bad about what he'd done. He felt bad because Kurt ignoring him made him feel like a bad person. Sam shook his head, no, don't assume. Think everything over later, get Blaine back now.  
"You're not, you're one of the good guys! And I got a whole glee club that agrees with me." 'Yeah, and everyone else who's ever come into contact with you... how does he do that?' "Give me a day, one day before you pack it all up, one day to be the hero we all know you are. And then, you know, you can decide where you really belong." He nodded and walked away before Blaine could say anything else. Sam had a LOT to think about, so he text Blaine saying where to meet him in a couple hours. He just needed to clear his head first and he could think about this later once everything else was sorted out.  
  
\------------  
  
"Guys, it was epic!" Sam beamed as he recounted the tale to the New Directions. "Dalton was like Death Star meets Mordor meets Temple of Doom!" In the midst of the adventure - and Blaine's constant bubbly personality that seemed to make everyone somehow like him -he'd actually managed to forget about all the red flags he'd been thinking about earlier. At least his brain didn't itch anymore. "I mean, I might be exaggerating, but probably not."  
"I owe all of you an apology for ever doubting McKinley's my home." Blaine beamed like he hadn't been upset at all the day before. "You guys are my home."  
"We've got a real fight ahead of us with the Warblers at Sectionals, but I am not worried at all, because we've got the team, we've got the talent, and we have, most importantly, the leader." Sam grinned, pointing to Blaine.   
"Thank you." Blaine smiled bashfully.  
  
\------------  
  
"Good news, Sebastian." Hunter walked into the taller boys dorm room.   
"What's that then, Hunter?" Sebastian smirked, looking up to the other boy from where he was laying on his bed.   
Hunter rolled his eyes. "Anderson decided to stay at McKinley. We don't have to deal with him."  
"Good news, indeed." Sebastian smirked.   
Hunter left him with a 'see you at Warblers practice', before the door closed. Sebastian let himself smile, before a voice he'd forgotten was there cut in from his phone, which had been on speaker.   
"Wait, WHAT was that about?!" Kurt's voice came and Sebastian chuckled, letting out a small sigh. He probably should have ended the call before Kurt could hear anything.   
"I'll explain later, got practice~" He smirked, standing and readjusting his blazer.   
"Don't you DARE hang up on me, Sebastian Smythe!"   
"Later, princess!~" He let himself chuckle at Kurt's voice still coming through his phone as he hung up and headed to the choir room. 


	10. A Lonely Thanksgiving

Kurt heard the door to the loft slide open and washed his wounds, putting his razor back under the sink, rolling down his sleeve and heading back out into the open living space. He smiled at Rachel as she put her jacket and scarf down.  
"Hey." He said softly. "I was about to start cooking, want some food?"  
"That sounds great." Rachel answered, smiling. "How was your day?"  
Kurt shrugged. "Just hung out, nothing much." He headed into the kitchen, pulling out some pots and pans to begin cooking. He'd spent the day talking to Sebastian and trying to get info out of him about Blaine trying to move back to Dalton. Sebastian had finally told him everything and had to go because of lacrosse practice, so Kurt had sat on the sofa, reading and trying not to let his mind wonder. But like usual, it did and he decided to fix it before he could spiral, so spent an hour or so in the bathroom, slowly putting new marks into his arm.

"So I found out that I didn't get cast in Glass Menagerie." Rachel sighed, coming over.  
"Aww..." Kurt offered a sympathetic smile.  
Rachel shrugged. "But the NYADA Showcase is this week, so I'm gonna spend the whole, long holiday weekend just really prepping for it to make sure that I get it."  
"Good." Kurt nodded.   
"Did you put in your application?" Rachel asked, sitting at the table while he cooked.  
"Yes, and I put it on Vogue.com stationery so it'd stand out. I'm really feeling good about us staying home for the weekend, don't you?" He decided to change the subject, he didn't want to think about his NYADA application right now, he knew he wouldn't get in.  
"Yeah, yeah."  
"Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah." Kurt joked, he knew there was a voice in the back of his mind, telling him to go home and see everyone, but he also knew that he might not be able to hold his resolve if he saw Blaine.   
  
"We don't have to go home just because there's a show or because it's a long weekend, right?" He asked, hoping Rachel would agree with him and set his ind straight.  
Rachel nodded with a smile. "Right, no."  
"I mean, even though it's Thanksgiving, and sectionals, and all our friends are there, and I miss my dad..." Kurt trailed off, looking down.   
Rachel sighed. "I miss my dads, too, but I just feel like every time we go home, it just makes me feel sad and like we're not like moving forward, you know? And even though we don't have our boyfriends, we still have our dreams and our ambition." She stood and walked over to him.   
Kurt smiled. "And each other."  
"Yes." Rachel agreed, hooking her arm into his. He tried to ignore the pain of his jumper tugging on the fresh marks on his arms. "You are the only significant other I need in my life. I have to just, you know, forget about Finn and forget about Brody."  
"Forget about Blaine." Kurt nodded slowly, not taking his eyes away from the food int he pan in front of him, knowing Rachel was probably giving him a sympathetic look.   
  
"Yeah, forget any guy who's broke any girl or guy's heart, okay? We are on the verge of becoming the best versions of ourselves." She smiled. "Can't you feel it?"  
Kurt chuckled. "For the first time, probably because it's easier just to drink your Kool-Aid, than go against you." He smirked at her offended noise. "I know what you mean."  
"Look." Rachel dragged him to the window. "Look at our life, look at this city!"  
"Yeah." He smiled, he had always loved New York and felt at home here, even when he felt alone.   
"I know that it can be a little sad and lonely sometimes, but I promise you, we are gonna have the best Thanksgiving ever." Rachel told him sternly, though she was smiling.   
He smiled at her and held out his hand. "Pinkie promise?" At least he had Rachel.   
"Pinky promise." She agreed and they laughed at the 'gay high five' as Kurt called it.  
  
\------------  
  
Kurt had worked overtime by a lot that day, but he didn't mind, he needed a distraction. He was having one of those days where his brain wouldn't shut up - even worse than usual - and he felt like absolute crap. He also feared he was beginning to get ill, so that didn't help. He went to turn off the big light in the office so he could just use the dimmer one at the desk.   
"Hey." A voice came, startling him. He looked up to see Isabelle smiling at him over the top of the computer.   
"Oh! Oh, Isabelle, I am so sorry." He sighed, standing back up and turning the light back on. He tried to ignore the head rush he got. "I thought I was the last one here."  
"Its okay." Isabelle smiled, laptop in front of her. "Actually, I'm almost done. I'm just, um, proofing the filmmaker round table."  
Kurt headed over to her. "Oh, I love that article."  
"Oh, good."  
  
"I love Christmas movies." Kurt shrugged.   
Isabelle beamed at him, happy he was actually talking to her now. She had the feeling he'd been giving himself a lot of stress and not talking to anyone about it. "Be honest, which one are you looking forward to the most, Les Miz or The Hobbit?" She asked.  
"Oh, wow..." Kurt chuckled. "I love Peter Jackson, but I'm obsessed with the French Revolution, so, uh, I suppose it would have to be a double feature." He shrugged and smiled.   
"A double feature?" Isabelle gasped, though returned the smile.  
"So, uh, do you have any fantabulous Thanksgiving plans?" Kurt asked, before she began asking any personal questions. He knew she had been worried about his breakup and didn't know what the people he worked with had told her.  
"For the last five years, I always went to Gore Vidal's for dinner and Pictionary." Isabelle explained, and Kurt nodded. "But you know, Gore passed away this year, so I don't know, I'll probably just get some turkey pizza from Two Boots and, uh, recreate my first Thanksgiving in New York." She shrugged.   
  
Kurt sighed. "Well, if you're interested, my roommate and I are hosting a bit of an orphan's dinner out in Bushwick."  
"Bushwick? Ooo, a rustic Thanksgiving~" They both laughed. "Can I bring some friends?"  
"Of course. We'll have as many orphans as Mr.Bumble's workhouse, right? Gruel for everyone." Kurt joked, laughing.   
"You seem in a better mood. You and your ex have a rapprochement?" She asked and these were the questions he was trying to avoid. Isabelle didn't need to be bothered with Kurt's problems.  
"Au contraire." Kurt let out a tiny sigh, looking down and pressing his arm into his side, putting pressure on his fresh cuts. "No, I'm closing the book to that sad saga." Isabelle offered hima s sympathetic smile and he shrugged. "I'm just I'm done, I'm done thinking about it, I'm done thinking if we're gonna get back together, wondering if we should get back together." He closed his eyes for a second and looked down with a tiny sad smile. "No, it's over, I sent him a text... It said, 'Please, stop calling me to say you're sorry. What's done is done.' You know?" He looked up to Isabelle, who had stood and made her way over.   
  
She nodded. "Well, listen, nothing is better than being single in New York City, but you know, if he's been reaching out to you-"  
"Assuage his guilt? No, sorry, cheater." He paused, realising this was his boss, he looked away. "This petal needs to move on."  
Isabelle smiled a little. "In my experience, it's always easier for me to move on if I've either had my apology accepted, or in your case, accepted an apology." Kurt didn't say anything and she shrugged. "You know, sometimes it's the not forgiving that holds us back."  
  
\------------  
  
"A bag?" Kurt asked Brody, incredulously.  
Brody chuckled. "Yeah, I'm telling you, you put it in the bag and it self-bastes. Tommy the turkey is not gonna go dry."  
Kurt rolled his eyes, cocking his hip sassily. "Ina Garten would never cook a turkey in a bag."  
"Well, when Ina comes to cook you Thanksgiving dinner, she can do as she pleases." Brody tapped him on the shoulder with his fist, a bitch smirk plastered over his face. "But our bird is getting bagged."  
"Mmm." Kurt sighed, though smiled.   
  
"Guys, this is so great." Rachel spoke up, grinning.   
Kurt nodded, it was nice to have people to distract him. Ever since his word with Isabelle he was worried she was right, he knew he had to forgive Blaine, though he wished he didn't. Why should he? Blaine had been the one to hurt him, why did Kurt have to be the bigger person, like usual, why did HE have to be the one to rise above? Oh yeah, because he was Kurt, and he would eventually, so why not just do it now. The whole situation made his head spin, he'd been feeling dizzy recently anyway which he chocked down to stress, adding the idea of letting his ex back into his good books was just adding to that. So having people around tonight would help, at least he hoped. "Yeah, it's like our own Big Chill."  
"Yeah, but no one breaks out into song." Brody warned them, with a look.   
"What?" Rachel asked, gasping.  
Brody smirked. "Now, Rachel, get over here and help me butter up Tommy."  
  
"Okay, well, I'm a vegetarian so I can't eat it but I guess I can touch it." Rachel answered, though she looked confused at the meat.  
Brody chuckled at her expression. "Yeah."  
"Okay, Mr.Tur-I'm very sorry." Rachel told the dead bird, patting it slightly and doing what Brody was doing. "Like that?"  
"You got to get it in there, really show him that you love him." Brody answered, taking a hold of her hands. Kurt watched from the background, not really knowing what to do in this situation. "You know? Just like that."  
"Is that good?" Rachel asked.  
"Yeah, like that." Brody looked to her and Kurt knew he had to step in now.  
  
"When you two are done using that turkey as a courtship device, would you put it in the oven? 'Cause it's almost 5:00." He spoke up, good thing he didn't want to eat anything because he didn't think he'd be able to stomach that turkey now.   
Rachel checked her phone. "Oh, my God, it's almost time for sectionals to start!"  
Brody raised an eyebrow. "Why are they having it on Thanksgiving anyway?"  
"I'm sure they figured with everyone home for the holiday, they would sell more tickets." Rachel shrugged.   
"Most high schools have football games for Thanksgiving." Kurt muttered sarcastically, rolling his eyes.   
"I remember my first sectionals." Brody sighed, happily. "I was so nervous."  
  
They spent the next half an hour discussing their performances over the years and how nervous they'd been, until Kurt noticed how down Rachel looked.   
"You okay?" He asked, sitting next to her.  
"Mmm, yeah." She sighed, looking away when Kurt gave her that look, as if to say 'go on'. "I was having a moment... You know, every year, over, like, an assortment of pies, my dads and I would sing these holiday medleys by the piano. And, I don't know, I'm just starting to feel like maybe that part of my life is over."   
"Oh, sweetie, as long as we're in each other's lives, holiday medleys will never be over." Kurt told her softly, he knew how she felt, he missed hanging out with his dad.  
"Promise me?" Rachel asked, turning to him. They hooked pinkies again and got up, heading into the kitchen.   
  
"How's it going?" He asked Brody, who was taking the turkey out of the oven.  
"Oh, this bird is done." Brody smirked, placing the food down on the table. "Yeah!"  
"All right, Kurt, do you want to do the honors?" Rachel asked her best friend, holding up the large knife.  
Kurt quickly shook his head. "No, thanks, I'm not even having turkey after the way you guys manhandled it." He answered, earning a laugh from the other two as they got to work finishing the food.  
  
Rachel headed to the door when she heard a knock, opening it to reveal a bunch of people in outlandish outfits. "Can I help you?"  
"Isabelle Wright invited us to an Orphan Party here?"  
Kurt's eyes went wide, he hadn't told Rachel about the plans for Isabelle to come too, though he hadn't expected this many people to be heading into the loft right now, there was a lot of people who all looked fabulous. "Oh, right. Uh, yeah, apparently, we're having a party." Kurt told her, shrugging sheepishly.   
"Oh." Rachel smiled, letting more people in. "Okay, welcome! Come on in!"  
  
"By the way, have any of you heard from Isabelle?" Kurt called out. "I tried calling her earlier, but I got her voice mail."   
"She was stopping at some new club opening next to Pyramid over in the East Village." One of the party goers answered, turning on some music.   
"Oh, wait, this is her now." Kurt muttered, answering the phone. "Uh, hello?"  
"Hey, I'm calling you back." Isabelle's voice came.   
  
\------------  
  
Isabelle had started a sing-along when he turned up and everyone joined in, even Brody after a while. The party was a few hours in and though surrounded by people, Kurt felt his thoughts growing darker and darker and he felt more lonely as the night drew on.   
He danced with people, sang along to the song, talked to everyone, but he just couldn't shake the tight grip he felt around his chest, it was painful, his head hurt and spun and he crawled out onto the fire escape to get some air.   
  
Managing to calm down from a near panic attack he took out his phone, nobody had really messaged him tonight, Sebastian had sent him a text in the morning saying happy thanksgiving, but he had warned Kurt he would be with his family for the holiday so probably wouldn't be on his phone much.   
He saw Blaine's number and just sat staring at it for a while, not noticing when he began shivering. It was cold out here and he hadn't put a jacket on before he came out.  
Before he could talk himself out of it he clicked on his ex's number, bringing the phone to his ear.

This was a stupid idea, he went to hang up but Blaine's voice came through. "Hello?"  
Kurt felt his breath stop for a second but forced himself to say something, anything. "Hey... Can you hear me? It's kind of loud out here."  
"Um, yeah, yeah, I can hear you." Blaine's voice came, confused and quiet.   
"Have you guys performed yet?" He figured if he could walk around the subject for a little while then he might be prepared to talk about the proper stuff, though he knew that was a lie he was telling himself.  
"Uh, no, not yet..." Blaine paused for a second, and began doing what Kurt thought he would. "Kurt, I just want you to know that no matter-"  
"Just let me talk for a second." Kurt interrupted him, and paused, questioning himself as to why he struggled with this stuff so much, it was so stupid, he shouldn't be like this. Nobody other than Blaine would ever love him, so why couldn't be just forgive him? He hated himself... "Look, you've you've said you're sorry a million times... And I believe you." He didn't know what he was saying, he hadn't planned, he was just saying what he felt. "And I'm trying to forgive you, but I'm just not there yet." He looked down, this was bad, he shouldn't be doing this, he shouldn't have called. Blaine would hate him forever, and he would never find anyone to love him again. "But it's Thanksgiving, and it's sectionals, and I miss you like crazy... And I can't stand not talking to you, even though I'm mad at you. 'Cause you're still my best friend."  
  
"You're mine, too." Blaine breathed out, sounding relieved.   
"At Christmas, we we need to have a mature heart-to-heart." Kurt continued, his head screaming at him to shut up, stop talking, dear god... but the tightness in his chest was loosening. "And maybe if it's cold enough, we can go ice skating on the Auglaize River, and get hot chocolate anywhere but the Lima Bean, because when I was working there I saw a mouse." Nothing to do with the anxiety attack in the alleyway, or the bullying or anything, definitely not.   
Blaine laughed wetly. "So, uh, we're really gonna see each other at Christmas?" He asked, and Kurt's heart did a flip, he felt himself smile slightly.  
"Yeah..." He sighed, he felt tears coming up behind his eyes and the cold was seeping in now. He just wanted to curl up and cry... "Well, don't let any of those hideous Warblers win, all right? Break a leg. Happy Thanksgiving."  
"H-happy Thanksgiving." He could hear Blaine's smile. "Kurt, I love you so much..."  
Don't. Don't. Don- "I love you, too." He hung up before he could say anything else and stared at his phone for a moment, tears spilling over as he pushed them away angrily, curling up on himself in the cold and snow, shaking and sobbing silently while the happy, loud party went out inside. 

After a couple of minutes he got himself together, gripping his phone a little too tightly in his hand and pushing himself to stand, ignoring the dizziness and climbing back into the loft. A lot of people had gone and he knew he was shaking, looking down at the floor as he locked eyes with Isabelle.  
Before he could do anything she came over, wrapping her arms around him.   
He didn't know what to do, so let her hug him, taking comfort in the embrace. He kept the tears inside, but hugged her back, trying to block out his emotions.

Not long later Rachel came over and asked him to dance, and he agreed, letting her lead him around. She didn't say anything, which he appreciated, and after their dance was done Brody asked for a dance and he let out a small chuckle, agreeing and dancing with Brody for a while. Afterwards he pushed Rachel and Brody together and escaped to the bathroom, curling up in the corner and hiccuping as he tried to keep his sobs quiet.   
He grabbed the razor, bringing it to his wrist and pulling across. He let his head lull back, finding relief in the pain.   
He spent a while in the bathroom, cutting, listening to the muffled music and laughing from the lounge. 

He didn't hear anyone knock on the door, but stared down at his arm when he saw someone come in. He didn't move, he dare not breathe at this point, as the person closed the door behind them and walked over.   
Kurt saw Brody's shoes and tried to avoid looking at him, he still gripped the razor and his arm was openly bleeding, on display for Rachel's love interest to see.   
Brody didn't say anything as he knelt in front of Kurt, knowing he was trying to avoid eye contact as fresh tears dripped down his pale cheeks. He softly took the razor from the other boy, who didn't retaliate. He looked as if his life was over, as if Brody would just run and tell everyone, oh god, what if he told Rachel?! 

Brody placed the razor on the edge of the sink, taking some cleansing wipes and antibacterial spray and pulled Kurt's sleeve the rest of the way, soft and gentle. He sprayed Kurt's arm and whispered an apology when Kurt winced, and dabbed the angry red wounds with the wipes, making sure they were clean.   
He didn't speak, and Kurt, who had been staring down at the floor, now watched Brody, confused.   
When the other boy was done he looked up to Kurt, smiling a little and softly folding Kurt's sleeve back down over his arm.   
Kurt didn't know what to say, and he began to panic when Brody stood, thinking he was going to run and tell everyone, his secret would be out, his life would be even more fucked up than it already was.   
But Brody didn't run off, he held a hand out and Kurt paused for a second before slowly, shakily taking his hand and letting him help him up.   
  
Brody passed him a flannel to wipe his face with, and waited for Kurt to be done. He noticed how Kurt avoided looking at himself in the mirror as much as possible and he felt bad for not noticing anything was wrong with Rachel's roommate.   
Kurt put the flannel down, ringing it in his hands against the sink and he stared down at the water.   
"Come on." Brody spoke softly, almost a whisper and Kurt looked to him, nodding slightly and following him back out into the party.


	11. Winter Showcase

Kurt couldn't breathe, he clutched the phone to his ear, his hands shaking so much he thought he might drop it.   
"Hummel? What's up?" Sebastian asked, sleepily, but he soon woke up when he heard Kurt sniffle.   
"Nothing..." Kurt mumbled. "I just-I didn't know what to do..."  
"What's going on?"  
Kurt took a shaky breath. "It's all too much..."

Sebastian ran a hand over his face. "What is? I can't help if you don't tell me what happened?" He waited patiently for an answer.  
"I phoned Blaine..." Kurt answered softly, before breaking down into tears.   
Sebastian felt anger fill him at that. "Why?"  
"I don't know!" Kurt answered, almost helplessly. "Isabelle said it might help to forgive him, but then when I phoned him everything just came flooding back, and I didn't know what to do! I just panicked, and I told him I loved him, because he said it to me, and I guess I still do, no matter how much he hurt me, he's still my first love, and I just don't know what to do-"  
"Stop. Please... Just, try and breathe." Sebastian told him, waiting while Kurt took a few deep breaths. "What did he say to you?"

"He-he said that he misses me, and that he loves me..." Kurt sighed. "And... and then I told him I'd see him at Christmas-"  
"You realise he's using you?" Sebastian couldn't stop himself from asking. He should have known he'd regret it.   
He didn't hear Kurt for a while, before his voice returned, hurt and angry. "Not everything is a manipulation, Sebastian."  
"I didn't mean it that wa-"  
"You don't know anything about me and Blaine, and you don't get a say! You-you tried to take him from me, for so long, I had to fight for him-"  
"EXACTLY!" Sebastian sighed heavily and flopped back on his bed. "Look, I know I don't have a say, but doesn't what you just said set off alarm bells?" 

Kurt didn't speak for a moment, but soon a sob came through the phone and Sebastian sighed, wishing he could be there to at least attempt to comfort the other boy. "I-I-I ruined ev-everything..." Kurt sobbed, barely able to keep a hold of any breath he had in his lungs.   
"Calm down, Kurt... come on, breathe with me, ok?" Sebastian began leading Kurt through some breathing exercises, and when they were done Kurt sounded so exhausted. "You ok...?" Sebastian asked.  
"I shouldn't have called..." Kurt muttered, though they could both hear the lie in his voice. "I was stupid-"  
"No, Kurt... you were stupid for not phoning me last night." Sebastian joked, earning a small chuckle.   
"Well, I do have a habit of picking the wrong choices."   
"Well, we'll just have to work on helping you with that." Sebastian found himself smiling, a genuine, happy smile. 

"Yeah, right. We're not friends remember." Kurt sighed, though it was obvious he was joking.   
"Course not, princess." Sebastian smirked. "I should get back to sleep, unless you need to talk more?"  
Kurt shook his head to himself. "Nah, I'm fine... Have a good night, sorry I woke you up."  
"Don't apologise, later, Hummel."  
"Night, Bas..."   
Sebastian paused at the nickname but his phone cut off before he could ask the other boy about it.

Kurt decided he should probably get cleaned up and stood on shaky legs, wiping down his fresh cuts on his legs, arms, stomach, chest, and put on his fresh clothes when he was sure it wouldn't bleed anymore. He looked at himself in the mirror, sighing and going back out into the flat, Rachel was out with Brody - who hadn't said anything to anyone and promised he wouldn't - and he was home alone. So, he decided not to lounge around doing nothing. His meeting with Carmen Tibideaux was tomorrow, so he hadn't been able to escape his thoughts.   
Deciding against letting said thoughts come over him again, he got changed and headed to the gay club he'd been at the other night, a drink wouldn't do too badly right now and at least it would shut his thoughts up. 

\------------

Kurt somehow managed to get home before Rachel had come home and was sat in the kitchenette looking at his phone.   
"Hey! How's your night been?" Rachel asked, coming over and hugging him.  
"Not bad." He shrugged. "Take it you two had more fun than me though." He smirked, offering her a wink.  
She gasped in fake shock and gave a friendly tap on the shoulder.  
His phone began buzzing as Rachel grabbed a glass of water. "I'll be back in a second." He told her, heading into the corner for a moment.

"That was Blaine." He explained when he was done with the call. "They lost..." He looked back down to his phone, somewhat confused as to what had happened to the glee club. "Apparently, the new girl, Marley, passed out on stage, and the Warblers won."  
"Oh, my God!" Rachel gasped. "So, wait, that-that's it then. What are they going to do now?"  
"I don't know." He shrugged. "I just feel bad for Blaine." He looked down at Rachel's confused look. "If he was still with the Warblers, he'd be on his way to Regionals right now."  
  
"You think I should call Finn?" She asked.  
He definitely didn't, but it was her choice at the end of the day. "If you think it's gonna make him feel better."  
"No... I don't, actually. It'll probably just make him feel worse, imagine coming down from one loss just to be reminded of an even bigger one."  
Kurt tried not to roll his eyes. "Well, our friends' feelings aside, it's really woken me up to the idea of making the most of the chances that you have, you know? I've got one more chance of getting into NYADA, and I can't blow the audition." He sat down at the table, trying not to shake at all. He'd only come home early because he didn't want to break down at the club.   
  
"It's not your last chance, okay? I mean, you can still reapply." Rachel suggested, but Kurt shook his head.   
"No." He told her sternly. "I can't live my life chasing something that the universe is trying to tell me that I'm not good enough to achieve." He shrugged, clenching his jaw.   
"It's not the universe." Rachel reminded him. "It's just Carmen Tibideaux-"  
"Is there a difference? Speaking of Carmen, has she started passing out her golden tickets for the Winter Showcase yet?"

"No, and it doesn't matter, because I'm not getting one." Rachel sat down next to him. "Alexandra Blasucci was the last freshman to get one in the past seven years, and she was practically raised on the Broadway stage... Wait, how do you even know about those tickets?"  
Kurt shrugged slightly. "I've become very active on the NYADA blogs..." He sighed at her pitying look. "I figured, the more I know, the better I can streamline my application and audition. The Winter Showcase is like the NYADA Met Ball; ten students are invited to perform at the showcase a year, the cream of the cream. She hand-writes and hand-delivers each invitation, just getting invited is an honour; former winners have gone on to win Emmys, Tonys, Golden Globes and even an Oscar, but they all agree... The proudest and greatest moment of their careers was when Carmen handed them that Golden Envelope."  
  
\------------  
  
"Where are we putting Scott Rudin? That's where you have him? You need to put him over here." Kurt heard Madam Tibideaux speaking to someone as he peeked inside her office. "As a matter of fact, you need to redo all of this."  
Now or never he supposed... "Madame Tibideaux? I hope it's all right that I'm dropping by your office... I-I'm not sure that you, uh, remember me-"  
"What can I do for you, Mr. Hummel?" Carmen asked, looking to Kurt and dismissing the other person.  
"Oh, uh, I-I applied for the second semester..."  
Carmen nodded. "I received it. I reviewed it."  
  
Kurt didn't know what to make of her tone, he just wanted to curl up and disappear at this point, it was hopeless, he'd never get in. "And the accompanying video?" He managed to find his voice again.  
"Of you doing the acoustic version of WHAM!'s 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go'?" She asked, her tone giving nothing away.  
Kurt nodded slightly. "What'd you think?" His voice was small as he asked and he hated that he didn't feel confident at all right now, or didn't even sound it. Stars had to have confidence...  
"I thought exactly what I thought the first time you auditioned for me last Spring... 'Here's a very talented young man, who knows how to sell a number, but who is devoid of complexity and depth'."  
"What?" Kurt mumbled.  
"You gave me surface when I was looking for soul, we are training artists here, Mr. Hummel. Performers; who are not afraid to show their vulnerability, and yes, even their heart-"  
  
"Madame Tibideaux, I-I-I-I-I have all of those things!"  
She shook her head. "I rarely give anyone a second chance, and when I do, it is on my terms." She warned him, and he felt his heart clenching, she didn't want him there... "Now, thank you for your continued interest in NYADA, but as you can see, I'm busy preparing for the Winter Showcase." She went back to her work, not even glancing at him again. "Good afternoon, Mr. Hummel."  
  
Kurt almost ran out of the room, but kept his composure until he made it out of the building and managed to keep it in until he got home, despite shaking and struggling to breathe.   
Once he made it to the loft he rushed into the bathroom, ignoring Rachel's questions and Brody saying hey. He locked himself in and began panicking, curling up next to the bathtub and trying to calm down. He gripped his hair with one hand and dug his nails into the other.   
He tried to remind himself to breathe, just calm down, relax, but Carmen didn't want him, NYADA didn't need him, nobody did. Rachel had Brody, Blaine had cheated, he had no other friends in New York, Finn would answer his calls, but he didn't want to bother him when he was so stressed looking after the glee club that had fallen apart, and the only person who would talk to him would be Sebastian, but he'd be in class along with the other Warbler's he could talk to, besides, he didn't want to bother them either, they were all Blaine's friends first anyway. 

He heard a knock on the door and realised he'd been scraping his nails down his arms. "Go away, Rachel..." He halfheartedly shouted out.   
"Kurt, it's Brody, can I come in?"   
Kurt didn't know what to do, he knew Brody knew about his... coping mechanism, but he hadn't even thought about the fact that the other boy might try to stop him from doing anything, he'd have to be careful of that in the future. He stood, pulling his jacket back on and opening the door, walking past Brody. "Sorry..." He muttered, he glanced to his room, wanting so badly to curl up in bed and ignore the rest of the day, but he forced himself to walk back to the kitchen. 

Rachel was instantly on his case, she came over with purpose. "What happened? What did she say?" She demanded.   
Kurt closed his eyes for a second before looking down to the floor with a tiny shrug. "They don't want me." He whispered.   
"How do you know that?" Brody asked. "Are you sure you're not just overthinking it?"  
Kurt sighed and slumped down into one of the chairs. "I've ruined it, she said I lack emotional depth."  
"But that's not true-" Rachel began to argue but Kurt just shook his head.   
"It must be." He shrugged again, standing. "I think I just need to go for a walk, try and relax..."

"Kurt, if you don't feel up to it, you don't have to go to the showcase in a couple days, I completely understand." Rachel told him.   
Kurt sighed. "I'll go, anything to support you." He smiled, and left the loft once again.   
He headed into town for the nightclub, hoping to escape it all for a while.   
  
\------------  
  
A couple of days later and it was time for the showcase. Kurt came with Rachel as he said he would, no matter how much it hurt him to go to a place that would never accept him.  
"Welcome to the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts' annual Winter Showcase." Madam Tibideaux stood at the front, addressing everyone. "While this is a competition, it is also a celebration. Each year, our faculty chooses ten students who exemplify the best of what we are trying to achieve, our first performer is Alexandra Blasucci; she will be doing Delibes' Sylvia with variations by Sir Frederick Ashton."  
  
They sat and watched for the performances, soon it would be Rachel's turn, and Kurt decided to stay down the corridor from them to give them some space. When they started kissing however, Kurt decided to cut in, calling out to them. "Hey! Uh, as sympathetic as I am at this particular act of a rom-com, Rachel, you're up."  
They headed back in and Kurt took a seat next to Brody. "Our next performer is from the freshman class, please welcome Miss Rachel Berry." Carmen stated, stepping back to her seat as Rachel walked up. Kurt clapped heavily for her, he wanted her to win so much, and he knew she deserved it.   
  
"Hi, I'm Rachel Berry, and, um, I'm just going to sing for you."  
She was amazing as always and everyone called 'Encore! Encore! Come on! Encore!' much to her surprise. Kurt offered her a thumbs up and a wink and she smiled, going into her next song for them.   
"Rachel, that was wonderful." Carmen smiled, walking back up to the front. "No it was superb."  
Kurt hugged Rachel as she ran over to them.  
"And now we're going to have a brief intermission, and when we come back, if he thinks he's ready, we'll have a performance from Mr. Hummel."   
Rachel felt Kurt stiffen in her arms and let him go, everyone looked to Kurt and he felt his lungs tighten. People began leaving the room and Kurt ran. 

He ran to the toilets and began pacing, trying to get his breathing under control.   
Taking out his phone in shaking hands, he tried to phone Sebastian, but it went through to answer phone. He cursed, pocketing his phone again and continuing pacing.   
"Kurt! Come out here, please!" Rachel called out from outside and he realised that he would have to face the music.  
He walked past Rachel and began pacing as soon as he exited the bathroom. "Carmen Tibideaux is an insane person!" He tried to keep his emotions in check, but it felt as if she was making him do this for her entertainment. He knew it wasn't true, but most of his logical thinking had gone out of the window. "Asking me to sing in front of the entire NYADA faculty? And all those theatrical luminaries? I mean, why would she do that?!" He continued pacing, reminding himself to breathe.

"She's giving you a second chance at your audition." Rachel explained, and Kurt sighed. He knew that's what was happening, but it just felt like humiliation at the moment, like it was some kind of sick joke, like back at school... like prom. "She just wants to see how you perform under pressure."  
"I'm gonna fail, that's what's gonna happen." Kurt muttered, staring out the window for a second and reminding himself to think rationally. "I have nothing prepared!" He turned to face her.   
"Oh, my God." She actually smiled now, exasperated, she walked over. "You have an entire repertoire."  
Kurt shrugged. "I guess I could do 'Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again'?"  
"No Phantom, not in front of this crowd." Rachel shook her head.   
  
"...'With One Look'? Sunset Boulevard?" He continued pacing but slowly this time, trying to wrack his brain for something.  
"Same thing."  
"'Being Alive'?"  
Rachel stared at him. "Yes. Oh, my God, I just got chills." She grinned. "That's perfect!"  
"There's only one problem I think that's a song that Carmen hates and I can't do it without a costume or props!" Kurt continued pacing.  
"You don't need any of that stuff!" Rachel told him, shocked he still didn't believe in his talent enough to do this. 

Kurt sighed. "Yes, I do. You know that I'm at my best when I have my careful assortment of bells and whistles, like steel scaffolding or my gold lama pants." He was beginning to panic again.   
"Kurt." Rachel stopped him before he could spiral and he slowly looked up to her. "You said it yourself that is exactly what Carmen does not want to see." Kurt didn't look convinced, so she decided to be serious about this. "You know when you were your absolute best?" She asked softly. He shrugged, looking down. "My favourite performance ever? When you sang 'I Want to Hold Your Hand' in the choir room." He looked completely shocked and she smiled kindly to him. "It was so just simple and emotional and I don't know, I-I get chills every time I think about it. Do you remember that?"  
"Of course I do." He said softly. "But things were different my dad was in the hospital... I dedicated it to him. Who am I supposed to dedicate this to? Carmen?"  
"To yourself." She told him, watching his eyes, he seemed so lost and she realised she should probably try to be around more, even if they lived together, they had their own stuff going on all the time.   
  
Kurt let Rachel take him back to the room. His hands were shaking so he clenched them, not wanting people to see just how nervous he was. Just like prom, never let them see that they get to you. "Uh, uh hi." He muttered, clearing his throat. Rachel was right, he might not like himself at all, especially recently, but he was used to convincing people he did, and no matter if he didn't feel like he owed it to himself now, he knew he owed it to the Kurt of six months ago, who still had his hopes and dreams. Maybe getting into NYADA would bring him one step closer to feeling like he could dream again... Not that he thought he'd get in. "Um I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of... NYADA student." He cursed himself for being so awkward in his head but pushed on. "Tonight I am going to perform a song that I've loved since I was six... But, um I think for the first time in my life, I finally understand what it means." 

He nodded to the bad and the song began to play, Rachel and Brody gave him a look of encouragement and he began singing. He didn't know how he got lost in the music so much but he poured all of his emotions into singing. The break-up, failing to get into NYADA, how depressed he'd been. He could feel the heartbreaks and the raw pain, the all the bullying and harassment, the hurt and bruising. He didn't care there were other people in the room, he even kept his eyes closed for a lot of it, remembering all his years. His mum going into hospital, his dad having a heart attack, all the solo's he got or didn't get, everything he'd felt.

He didn't realise at first that the song was over, until he opened his eyes to see everyone clapping. He looked to Carmen, who was smiling and clapping as well, and he even got a standing ovation.   
Not knowing what to do he simply curtsied a few times before excusing himself, but not after receiving a nod from Carmen. 

He sat in the window outside the room for a while, until everyone began to file out, just thinking and looking out over the city.   
He looked to Rachel and Brody when they came over, offering a small smile.   
"You were great!" Rachel hugged him, beaming proudly. He saw the award in her hand and smiled.   
"You won. Congratulations." He was genuinely proud of his best friend, but he felt so exhausted after the long night of turmoil.   
Rachel grinned. "What were you thinking about while you were singing?" She asked softly.  
He shrugged a little, looking down for a moment before looking back to her. "Everything..."  
"Well, you were amazing." She hugged him tight again before taking a couple steps back and taking Brody's hand. "We're going to go into town and celebrate, if you want to join?"

He shook his head a little, but offered a smile. "I think I've had enough excitement for one night." He sighed and unfurled his legs from where he'd been tucked up. "But have fun, and thanks for inviting me." He paused a second before saying what he wanted to say. "...Have you spoken to Finn?"  
Rachel glanced to Brody, shrugging a little. "N-no, why?"   
"I don't know, I just thought with the glee club and the winter showcase and everything... I don't know, ignore me, just a weird thought." He shrugged, looking down.   
Rachel nodded, smiling a little before leaning over and giving Kurt's hand a squeeze. "You did really good. Are you sure you don't want to come? "  
He shook his head. "Go, have fun!" He smiled a little and said goodbye. Brody left with a handshake and a 'take care of yourself, man', and soon he was alone. 

He sighed, not really knowing how he felt right now. He could still see Rachel down the corridor, on the phone. He smiled to himself, knowing who she was phoning.   
He decided he should probably check his own phone, since he hadn't given Sebastian an explanation as to why he was trying to phone him earlier.   
  
'Chipmunk - Hey princess, what's up? You up to much tonight?'

He smiled and text back.   
  
'Kurt - Nothing much, but I have a LOT to tell you about once I get back to the flat... I'll phone you later? Rachel's going out with Brody tonight so we can just catch up over the phone?'

'Chipmunk - Sure, how's 10.30?'

'Kurt - Perfect :)'  
  
\------------

Kurt got back at about twenty past ten, getting changed into his comfy clothes and grabbing a book so he could do some reading on the sofa with some Doctor Who in the background.   
Not long after he'd sat down he heard the door knock and raised a brow to himself. He wasn't expecting anyone, and Rachel was out.  
Sighing, he got up and headed to the door, sliding it open and staring at who stood there. "Sebastian?!"   
"Surprise." Sebastian smirked. "But wait, there's more!" He stood to one side, and Nick and Jeff popped into view.   
"Oh my god!" Kurt grinned as they both hugged him. "What are you guys doing here?!"   
"You said to come visit! We're on winter break from Dalton, and Sebastian said he was coming down for a couple days, so when he invited us to come along we said yes!" Nick explained. 

Kurt raised a brow to Sebastian, who shrugged with that same smirk. "Isabelle gets annoyed if I don't visit."  
"Well, come on in, I'll make us some drinks." He lead them inside, going into the kitchen. "So where are you all staying?"  
"The hotel across the street, shouldn't be too bad." Sebastian told him.   
Kurt nodded. "I stayed there while we were still getting this place painted and everything." 

"Good timing with Rachel being out tonight?" Jeff spoke up. "Always had a feeling she didn't like the Warblers."  
"She means well, she just gets competative." Kurt shrugged with a smile. "Wait a minute, Sebastian Smythe, you KNEW Rachel was going to be out, is that why you're here?"  
Sebastian shrugged 'innocently'. "You can't prove that."

\------------

"Oh, my God, what happened?" Rachel asked when she came back in the morning. All she knew was that Kurt was crying his eyes out and staring at a piece of paper.  
"I got my NYADA letter." He told her, his voice watery as fresh tears rolled down. He let himself give a wet smile. She stared at him, waiting to hear what the news was. She couldn't tell from his tears, but he was smiling, so... He let out a tiny chuckle; "I got in."


	12. A Fun Weekend

Kurt and Rachel celebrated for a while, before Rachel had to go to her classes.   
Kurt for once, actually felt quite good all things considered. He hadn't expected to actually manage to get into NYADA at all, and felt so overwhelmed when he'd first read the letter that he'd started crying and stood there balling his eyes out for almost half an hour, hardly even breathing, before Rachel came home. 

In all honesty, he still didn't know how to feel, all these thoughts were racing through his mind and for once they weren't negative.  
He jumped as his phone began ringing, lifting it up and seeing Sebastian's number coming up.   
"Hey." Kurt greeted, bringing the phone to his ear as a smile came over his features. He hadn't been able to stop smiling since he told Rachel the news, and his face was beginning to hurt after months of hardly smiling at all. 

"Hey, princess." Sebastian greeted back. "You sound happy."  
"You guys need to get your butts over here." Kurt replied sassily, chuckling a little. "I have some news."  
Sebastian laughed. "Well, I can't speak for Niff but I'm all set to go, I'll pop round soon."  
"See you soon!" Kurt hung up and went to make himself a bit more presentable than his comfy loft clothes, after all he had no clue if the others had made plans and he didn't want to walk around feeling poorly-dressed. 

\------------

Sebastian arrived not long later and Kurt was practically jumping up and down with how happy he felt, it was almost an alien emotion to him now, but he would bask in it for as long as possible. Sebastian laughed at him. "Go on then, what's your news?"  
"Ok, so, I explained the Winter Showcase to you?" Kurt started, handing Sebastian a cup of coffee.   
"Yeah?" Sebastian answered, letting Kurt usher him into a seat at the kitchen table. "Like five people get a golden ticket style thing."  
"Exactly! So, I went to support Rachel last night, and Carmen made me sing, hence the whole trying to phone you, freaking out kind of thing." Kurt continued explaining, only stopping to take a swig of his own coffee. 

"I don't think you need to be drinking caffein right now." Sebastian joked, but prompted him to continue.  
Kurt took a deep breath. "So, I sung for her and the others with zero rehearsal, no bells and whistles, none of my usual theatrics, and this morning... I got a letter." He sat down next to Sebastian and pulled the letter out, placing it on the table in front of him. 

Sebastian raised a brow but humoured him and opened the letter, skimming through it before looking up at the older boy, his eyes wide. "You got in?!"  
"I got in!" Kurt giggled, trying not to show just how happy he was because of how embarassing it would probably be.   
"Oh my god! Congratulations, Hummel." Sebastian chuckled, mostly at how his new friend was almost vibrating with excitement.   
"I honestly, one hundred percent, didn't expect this outcome." Kurt admitted, shrugging a little.   
Sebastian shot him a confused look. "What do you mean?"

Kurt shrugged again, looking down at his coffee. "I guess all the outcomes I thought about were bad, I didn't actually think about actually getting in."  
Sebastian watched him for a moment, before taking a sip of his coffee. "Please let me tell Isabelle?"  
"Oh, I forgot to tell her!" Kurt smiled. "When do you want to go?"  
"Are you at work today?"  
Kurt shook his head. "Nope, I'm off for a couple days, around Christmas things get a bit quiet. I'm back in on Wednesday, and the next two days, then off for Christmas week."

"Any plans for Crimbo?" Sebastian asked, finishing off his coffee and taking Kurt's empty mug to the sink as well.   
"I think I'm gonna see my dad, not sure what else though... If not its an orphans Christmas just like the orphans Thanksgiving we had." He chuckled. "What about you?"  
Sebastian shrugged. "My families away for a while, so I'll probably hang out at Dalton with the other Warbler's who are stuck there for the holidays and then go get trashed and fuck a bunch of guys at Scandels." He smirked, earning a roll of the eyes from Kurt. 

"That's no way to spend the holidays." Kurt told him softly. "Why don't you come visit us, we can all be lonely together."   
Sebastian laughed. "I don't do the holidays, Hummel. Relax, I'll be fine with my usual tradition."  
"Fine, have your weird traditions." Kurt smirked. "Come on, let's go see if Niff are awake."

\------------

"Put on pants." Kurt called as he walked into the room, not caring if his friends were actually naked. Sebastian was too busy laughing that he walked into the door frame and laughed more. Kurt stared at him, not used to seeing Sebastian act like that, it took him off guard and he ended up laughing as well, much to Nick and Jeff's confusion.  
Once they'd managed to calm down the four of them headed into central New York to get a coffee, catching up as they went.   
"How was your guys night in the hotel?" Kurt asked as they sat down with their coffees.   
"Not bad, though I don't think they cleaned my room in a while." Sebastian complained, offering Kurt a taste of his classic Sebastian coffee mix.   
Kurt tried a sip and nodded, actually liking it. Niff shared a confused look but didn't say anything. "What do you mean?" Kurt asked.  
"I don't know, the bed and everything was fine, but I found a razor on the floor and there was dried blood." Sebastian shrugged and Kurt tried not to choke on his drink. 

He quickly changed the subject, trying not to think about the fact that Sebastian must have been in the room he'd stayed in for a couple days and had found the evidence of what he'd done. "So, did you narrow down your choices for colleges?"  
"Not yet, I think they're all really good options, I just need to decide which I'd prefer to do." Sebastian smiled.   
"What about you two? Where are you thinking of going to college?" Kurt asked the couple across the table from them.   
Nick smiled. "Well, we think we're going to separate colleges in the same town, we just don't know where yet."  
"Yeah, but we were looking at a couple places." Jeff added. 

"Where at?" It was nice to catch up with these guys, he hadn't gotten much chance to talk to them since he left Dalton, and less so when Blaine had joined McKinley. "Anywhere nice?"  
"Well there's a good music writing course in Vermont that looked really good." Jeff smiled, he had always been into writing music, and actually really enjoyed it when he had watched the New Directions doing original songs at one of the competitions. "And since Nick's looking into doing more Dance courses there was a great looking one a bus away from that one."  
"That sounds really good." Sebastian smiled. "Besides, long distance never works." He shrugged and Kurt looked down a little, trying not to think of Blaine. 

"Kurt?" Nick asked, bringing him back to the present and making him realise he had been zoning out, staring at the table.  
"Hmm?" He asked, shaking his head slightly. "Sorry, I blanked out for a second." He chuckled, trying to play it off.  
"Do you know what classes you're going to be doing at NYADA?" Nick asked again.   
Kurt took a sip of his coffee. "Well we have specific courses we HAVE to take to graduate, and since it's such a fast-paced, difficult school we have to take a certain amount of classes to get a specific amount of credits." He explained. "I'll probably end up doing more than is needed just because I'm starting later than most people and I like having things to do. I think the mandatory classes for my own schooling are advanced dance, acting 101, improv and general singing training."   
"What courses do you want to do as well, then?" Sebastian asked, not realising how many classes they had as just a base level, let alone the ones Kurt wanted to take as well.

"I was thinking of doing script writing, production and stage combat." Kurt shrugged.   
Everyone looked at him weirdly. "Stage combat?" Jeff asked.   
"Well, yeah, I think it could be fun and I do know how to use my Sai swords and ninja stars pretty well-"  
"You have SWORDS?!" Nick almost shouted and everyone laughed.   
"Yeah, I just decided to start teaching myself after I bought some on Ebay." Kurt flushed a little, he didn't know how to feel about their reaction, he was so used to having to keep his hobbies inside, like reading and certain films and TV and his little things like his Sia swords. 

"That's really cool." Sebastian told him, and Kurt couldn't hide the surprise from his face. "What? You can fight with swords, who knew. That's pretty hot, Hummel."  
Kurt stared at him for a moment, before ripping his gaze from the other boy. "_I was NOT expecting that..." _ He muttered.   
"_Did you expect anything else?" _ Sebastian answered, before almost dropping his coffee in shock and quickly looking to the other boy again. "YOU SPEAK FRENCH?!" He shouted and everyone turned to look at them as Kurt giggled.   
"_No, it's all in your imagination~" _He smirked, earning a surprised gasp from the other boy.   
"I can't believe I didn't know that..." Sebastian muttered, staring down at the table as if his life was a lie. The others just laughed at him. 

\------------

"Hey, Isabelle?" Kurt poked his head through the door and his boss grinned at him.   
"Kurt! I haven't seen you in a while, what are you doing here?" She asked.   
He smiled. "I have a surprise for you~"  
She grinned again. "Please tell me you bought me back something from one of your amazing deal shopping trips?"  
He shook his head and opened the door wider where Sebastian stood and offered a wave. 

"Oh, so no deals?" She joked and Sebastian feigned offence.   
"You wound me, Isabelle." He smirked and walked in, giving his aunt a hug.   
She beckoned them both to sit down. "Why didn't you let me know you were coming?"   
"It wouldn't have been a surprise." Sebastian smiled.   
  
They had lunch with Isabelle and chatted about random things, including what had gone on at the party for Thanksgiving and some of the jobs they'd had to do recently for Vogue.com. Sebastian filled his aunt in on his fathers' newest business trip and his trying to plan another trip to France.   
It was actually fun, until Kurt got drawn out of the good catch up when he saw the man behind the bar accidentally cut himself while chopping fruit. He didn't know why it affected him so much, but he quickly excused himself to the bathroom and paced around the tiny room for a couple minutes. He managed to calm himself down enough to go back out before they thought something was wrong, and they continued their midday hang out. 

\------------

By mid-afternoon when they left Isabelle to work Kurt was socially exhausted.   
He offered for them to go find Niff - who had decided to go see some sights while Sebastian and Kurt had gone to Vogue - and head back to the loft. He offered to cook for them later and probably just sit around watching movies for the rest of the night.   
Sebastian agreed, seeming to catch on to how tired the other boy had become as the day went on. His mask his slipped a few times as he became more and more tired as well, and he actually caught a few glimpses of the boy underneath.

They managed to get a hold of Niff and found them outside one of the museums eating ice cream.   
They all headed back to the loft and flopped down on the sofa, it had been an exciting day. Kurt made them all coffee and they sat around chatting for a few more hours until Nick's stomach grumbled. Everyone laughed and Kurt decided to get up and make them all something to eat, not that he wanted any, and he made the excuse that he was still full from lunch - even though he hadn't even ate anything, more just mushed it round his plate to make it look like he had - as he handed the others their food. 

Nobody other than Sebastian seemed suspicious, but he seemed to let it slide as the countertenor asked what they should all watch.   
"You still watch Doctor Who?" Jeff asked, noticing the box set on the TV stand.   
Kurt smiled. "Oh, yeah, I mean, I found it at the market so..."  
"I've never seen it properly, but growing up fairly close to England I heard good things." Sebastian told him.   
"I'd be up for giving it a go!" Nick agreed, smiling. 

They ended up binge-watching some Doctor Who until the early hours of the morning, until Sebastian nudged Kurt - who had been lost in thought - to point out the fact that Nick and Jeff were asleep on each other. They both snickered but tried not to wake the others, which only made them laugh more. Kurt turned the TV off and dragged the other boy away from the lounge so he wouldn't wake them up.   
"Here, I assume your stuff is at the hotel." He threw some of his more plain pyjamas at Sebastian.   
Sebastian nodded. "I can take a quilt and sleep on the floor or?"  
Kurt raised a brow. "Why? We're both single, it's not like we have boyfriends to find out that we shared a bed." He shrugged and grabbed some pyjamas himself.   
"I just didn't know you'd be comfortable with that." 

Kurt paused for a second. "I see what you mean, but I had sleepovers with people all the time in school." He headed toward the bathroom. "Besides, the loft doesn't exactly have walls so we tend to see a lot of stuff we're not supposed to." He couldn't tell what Sebastian's expression was and he frowned. "But-but if you're uncomfortable, we don't have to."  
"Oh, no! It's fine, I just wasn't expecting you to invite me to." He shrugged. "But if it saves my back from laying on the floor."  
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Just get into the pyjamas." He chuckled, heading into the bathroom. He had made sure to grab an extra baggy jumped, just in case his scars showed at any point in the night, and he headed back out into the loft once he'd gotten ready for bed. 

Sebastian was standing outside the bathroom when he came out and he smiled, it looked weird to see him in his sleeping clothes. "There's a spare fer toothbrushes under the sink, feel free to take a shower."   
"Thanks, I'll be out soon." Sebastian smiled and headed into the bathroom. Kurt got into bed, curling up with his book.  
Not long later the other boy joined him and stood at the side of the bed awkwardly for a moment. Kurt looked to him and rolled his eyes, lifting the covers up for him to join.   
The other boy sheepishly got in and pulled the covers over him as Kurt placed his book down. "Night, Kurt."  
"Night, Bas." Kurt replied, sleepily as he turned off the light and curled up. He forgot how much it helped him sleep to have someone else in the room with him.

\------------

"Kurt? You home?" Rachel's voice woke him the next morning.   
Kurt stirred and jumped up, heading into the shared living space as he wrapped his robe round himself for extra warmth. He'd been finding it colder recently, though it was getting to winter so he just chalked it up to that.   
"Hey." Kurt smiled, pulling the curtain back across. "Thought you were staying round Brody's for a couple days?" He asked, still half asleep so not really caring what he was saying.   
"Yeah, I just came to get an overnight bag." Rachel smiled, before pointing to the two boys wrapped around each other on the sofa. Kurt smiled, wanting to laugh at the two love-birds. "Friends?"  
He nodded. "Yeah, from Dalton. I'll introduce you later if you like?"  
"Ok." Rachel nodded. "I'll let you get back to sleep, I didn't want to wake you up but in this neighbourhood we don't really know who could randomly be sleeping on the sofa." She joked. 

"Yeah, don't worry, they just turned up for the weekend." He shrugged, muffling a yawn.   
Rachel nodded. "Go back to bed, I'll call you later." She patted his arm and headed into her room to get her stuff.   
"Ok, see ya later." Kurt responded, too tired to think about anything but jumping back into bed and going to sleep. Even though this was the most he'd slept in months, he was still tired and it was extremely early. "Love you."  
"Love you more!" Rachel whisper-shouted back as he pulled the curtain back across. 

He wondered over to the bed and curled back up in the sheets, closing his eyes. He could feel someones breath on the back of his neck and almost panicked, until he remembered that Sebastian had joined him. He must have still been asleep. He tried to relax again, closing his eyes and attempting to ignore how close his friend was. He didn't mind it, he was close with his friends once upon a time, but he almost wanted to hug the other boy, just for some physical contact... but that would be weird. As Sebastian always said, they weren't friends.   
So, he curled up more on himself and pretended that the covers were someone hugging him instead. 

\------------

"You sure you don't mind?" Sebastian asked the next morning once they'd both been woken up by Niff jumping on the bed like children. Kurt had blinked away the sleep in his eyes and tried to ignore his stupid brain that told him at some point him and the other boy had been very close to each other, almost - some may say - cuddling. It must have just been his head making things up.   
Kurt rolled his eyes as he made the bed. They were both dressed and waiting for Nick and Jeff to come back with the breakfast they said they;d get. "Of course, you don't see Isabelle much. Besides, I haven't hung out with Niff in ages, I'll be fine." He smirked, flashing the other boy a cheeky smirk.   
It was Sebastian turn to roll his eyes. "Whatever, babe." He joked, before leaving the room.   
Kurt paused for a moment, before shaking his head and following him out into the living area where Nick and Jeff were returning with the breakfast. 

\------------

While Sebastian spent the day with Isabelle, Kurt and Niff wondered around New York, taking in the sights and going into the little off-the-track shops Kurt had managed to find, including some record stores and book shops.   
He actually found himself having fun hanging out with the boys, it was like the old days when they would double date and go to the cinema before prowling the Lima Mall. He ended up buying a few new books and box-sets, including the Monty Python film set for only two bucks and the F.R.I.E.N.D.S box-set that should have been at least forty dollars for only ten. He was happy with his purchases, he even bought a few new clothes items for himself and a couple pieces for Isabelle - since she kept asking and he knew he could find good deals.

"Should we get some dinner? It's almost four o'clock." Nick asked as they were leaving a thrift shop that didn't have much to offer.   
Jeff's stomach rumbled and they all laughed. Kurt became quiet but the other two didn't seem to notice as they chatted excitedly while trying to find somewhere to eat. He really didn't want to keep hiding the fact that he wasn't eating, but he hadn't 'ate' since breakfast. He knew if they kept eating around each other than someone would notice he was just pushing his food around his plate and the fork never even came up to his lips. 

He got an idea and pulled his phone out. "I know just the place." He smiled, texting Rachel and asking her to meet them at a local place a little outside of Bushwick that he knew she liked and that Nick and Jeff would also enjoy. "Let's head to the subway."

\------------

They arrived to find Brody and Rachel already sat down at their usual table and they waved the group over.   
"Oh, hey Rachel, haven't seen you in ages." Jeff greeted her.   
"Brody." Brody introduced himself to the two in turn after Rachel had hugged them.   
They all sat down and began talking while trying to decide what to eat. Once the waitress had taken their orders Kurt let the others lead the conversation. Just as planned, Rachel spent most of the time updating the Warblers about what had updated in her life, a good distraction just as Kurt had hoped for. 

It was a good day all in all, and they all retreated back to the loft for coffee.   
Kurt left Niff to chat while he caught up with Brody and Rachel, it had felt like forever since he'd seen them even though it was only a couple days. Brody congratulated him on getting into NYADA. "Really it was only a matter of time." He smirked and Kurt rolled his eyes. "Seriously though, you deserve it. And you proved that you had guts choosing a song that Carmen doesn't really rate."  
"It just felt right." Kurt smiled. "Rachel helped me though, she said it was perfect." He shrugged.  
"Don't put yourself down, Kurt!" Rachel beamed at him, taking a hold of his hand and giving it a squeeze. "You did amazing, besides, you came up with Being Alive."

"True." Kurt nodded jokingly.   
They all laughed and caught up some more before Rachel and Brody decided to head to bed, closing the curtain and getting some rest. Kurt was happy for her, Brody was a great guy.   
Sebastian came back not long later and they all decided to watch Holy Grail before the group retired back to the hotel and Kurt crawled into bed himself. 

But try as he might, sleep wouldn't come. The bed felt... cold. Empty, without someone to share it with. He honestly realised that that was the first time he'd slept so sound in a really long time and even though that thought made him more exhausted, he couldn't stop shuffling around, unable to get his body to not feel uncomfortable and restless.   
So, he decided to head to the sofa and watch some more Doctor Who as he curled up with one of his new books. 

\------------

He decided to accompany the group to the airport the next day after a wonder round Central Park.   
He had to admit, he was sad to see them go. It was nice to see them again, and he even had a lot of fun with Sebastian. It wasn't as awkward as it was last time, and it was hard to remember that they once hated each other. It was even a strange thought to think about the night when Sebastian had found out he worked at the Lima Bean and had seen him breaking down in that stupid alleyway. 

On the taxi ride back, he pulled his phone out, seeing a message from said boy. He couldn't help but smile. 

'Chipmunk x - I'll message when we're back :P' 

'Kurt - Turn your phone onto flight mode idiot!'

He chuckled when Sebastian sent him a custom middle finger emoji. 

'Kurt - Ok, message me when you're back :P x'

He didn't even think about the kiss at the end of the message until he checked his phone when he got back to the loft. He hadn't even realised, it was just second nature at this point.   
Trying not to panic, he started cooking some food for Rachel and Brody when they got back from their dance class. But he couldn't get it out of his mind, he felt bad. It had just been a slip up, hopefully Sebastian wouldn't read into it at all? 

But hours went by, longer than it would take to get back to Ohio and still no message...  
He jumped when his phone pinged. Rachel had gone to bed and Brody had had to go back home at some point. 

'Nick x - Hey! Me and Jeffy are safe home, thanks for the great weekend! <3 xx'

Kurt smiled, but... he soon frowned, still no message from Sebastian... had he ruined their friendship? No, don't jump to the worst possible outcome, evne though it could totally happen... oh god, he'd ruined everything.

'Kurtie x - No problem, I had fun with you guys! Let me know when you want to visit again! x'

He paced around for another half an hour, still no text. He went into his room, throwing his phone onto his bed and not caring when it rolled onto the floor. He flopped down onto the end of the bed, gripping his hair. He ruined everything, like usual. Like he ALWAYS did. A fun weekend had turned to disaster.   
Emotionally and socially exhausted, he couldn't settle. So instead, he headed into the bathroom. He wanted to feel the relief and calm he hadn't been able to make himself feel in a couple days, and grabbed his razor blade from under the sink. 

Staring at it for a moment, like greeting an old friend, he lifted his shirt sleeve and brought it to his inner elbow, knowing it would help if he was stressed over the next few days, because his shirt would catch on it and give him relief. He didn't care that it was probably a bad thing that after only a couple days of not cutting he had missed it this much. But as soon as the blood dripped down his arm in a single red teardrop, he felt calmer than he had in days, it washed over him, engulfed him in endorphins. His head cleared itself, and he let his eyes flutter closed for a second, revelling in the feel of the sting on his arm. He did a few more lines, and put the blade back, staring at the blood for a moment. 

Looking into the mirror, his eyes caught a sticky-note. He pulled it off of the mirror, reading the words. 

'Hey, Kurt! Sorry I've been busy with Brody recently, we NEED to hang out tomorrow! Love you, so much! Rachel x'

He felt nauseous and he didn't know why, but he knelt before the toilet and puked his guts up. Hardly anything came up, it had been days of him not eating, but acid and stomach lining did and it made him feel all the more sick. So he forced his fingers into his throat and waited, and a few more times for good measure. Maybe if he did it enough he would feel slim again? Maybe it would stop him from being so disgusting, such a horrible human being, a worthless, useless, idiot who just ruined everything-

His phone pinged and he wiped his mouth, jumping up and checking it. 

'Chipmunk - Sorry, hectic traffic, I'm home now though, Princess ;) x'

He re-read the message a couple times, blinking in confusion. But a small smile came over his lips and he put his phone back down, brushing his teeth and changing into some pyjamas before heading back into his room and pulling the curtain across.   
Once he was curled up in the dark in the middle of his bed he replied. 

'Kurt - Thought you'd crashed the plane with your anti-air-plane mode antics :P x'

He let himself smile, waiting for a response. 

'Chipmunk - Oh haha, shut up and get some sleep x'

'Kurt - fineeeeee, talk tomorrow x'

'Chipmunk - sure thing, night Kurt xx'

'Kurt - night xx'

He smiled and placed his phone down, curling up in the middle of the bed. He got to sleep fairly quickly that night, surrounded by his friends scent. He didn't question himself about how weird that might seem, he had always been calmed by certain smells, and Sebastian smelled like cut grass and a sweet body-spray. It was definitely a comforting smell in Kurt's eyes, he was out within an hour. 


	13. A Lonely Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is gonna be a longer one (and by that I mean, holy mother of god, this chapter is so long... 51,579 characters and 9,410 words...), and it includes both Christmas stories? Seen as series 5 Christmas was technically taking place in series 4 Christmas. So, enjoy!

"See you later!" Rachel shouted as she rushed out of the loft, dragging Brody along after her who laughed and waved to Kurt as well.   
Kurt chuckled at his friends antics and sat down at the table, continuing where he left off with his book and his first glass of eggnog. He had heard that the drink was a good hang-over cure, like bloody Mary's but with egg and all-spice. He had been getting his friends to test out his last few batches for the holiday season, since most of their classes were over for the holidays, and their last class was today before they were off for a couple of weeks. 

So he had been keeping himself busy with he didn't have shifts at Vogue.com and he wouldn't start his classes until a little bit after Christmas break, by wondering the town all day and heading to his new favourite night club at the evenings, going into the early hours of the morning and sneaking back into the loft before Rachel woke up. It helped keep him preoccupied while nobody was home by walking around, it also made him feel a lot healthier as well, and at night it helped when he couldn't sleep at all and his thoughts were playing up. Though he hadn't told his friends about his antics because he was sure they'd be worried about him. 

He finished off his latest glass of eggnog and got himself another one, looking to the door as someone knocked. He placed his glass down and marked his place in his book before heading to the door and sliding it across.   
"Santana?!" He almost squealed, getting enveloped into a hug by the girl he hadn't expected to see at all. "Oh, my god! What are you doing here?!" He dragged her inside, closing the door and turning back to her.   
Santana grinned. "I needed to check on my second favourite Cheerio and his beard, where is Berry anyway?" She looked around as if she would be able to find Rachel.   
"She's at her last class of the term." Kurt explained. "Also, your second favourite?"  
Santana shrugged. "I may have broken up with Britt but doesn't mean she's not my fave."

Kurt chuckled and let her hug him again. They had grown closer than people realised when on the Cheerios together, him Brittany and Santana would always hang out when it came to the cheer leading sleepovers and competitions and when Quinn joined back they just bought her back into the friendship group until it became more of the unholy quartet instead of the holy trinity.   
She held him at arms length for a moment, her eyes squinting slightly as she took in his appearance. He knew better than the squirm under the scrutinising look she was giving him, so kept eye contact and raised a brow. "I take it the hobbit mark one hasn't been looking after you?" She asked, folding her arms as if disappointed.   
Kurt rolled his eyes, Santana had always had the most inventive 'nicknames' for everyone, and since Blaine had joined their friendship group he had become Hobbit mark two with Rachel being hobbit mark one. "I'm just living a bit healthier now I'm here. I need to make sure I'm in top condition for NYADA." He answered breezily, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He smiled at her. "Speaking of, want to try some of my newest recipe for eggnog?" He wondered past her into the kitchen, anything to try and ignore that look she was giving him. 

After all, Santana was the only one who knew about his bad eating habits in the past, mostly around the time Sue kept calling him 'pear-hips' even though he'd always been told he was too skinny. Knowing how much weight he'd had to lose he'd began constantly cutting meals that week and throwing up anything he did even trust himself to eat. Santana just so happened to find him when he was late for Cheerios practice on the last day before the weigh in and talked some sense into him, they even both had a bit of a cry because she'd been there before, heck most of the Cheerios had and he didn't have to be alone in feeling that way.

The solidarity had made him feel a lot better back then, but times had changed, he'd changed.   
He was grown up now, and he knew what was good for him and what wasn't and since he wasn't seeing any results, there was no harm in having no appetite. He couldn't even stomach most things at the moment anyway so why bother?

"Is that even a question?" Santana smirked, accepting the glass of eggnog from him. "Don't you remember who snook the bottle of bourbon into the Nationals two years ago?"  
"I specifically remember you forcing me to put it in my pants because, and I quote 'They'll search me just to feel my wrack'." They both laughed.   
"And WHAT ended up happening?" She asked, folding her arms again as if proving a point.  
He smirked. "They felt your wrack." They laughed once again.   
She grabbed his hand and dragged him over to the door. "Come on, I have some stuff to bring in!" 

\-----------

"Ooh, what is it? What is it?" He asked excitedly as he unwrapped the present Santana had gotten him. "Oh, my gosh! It's My Pretty Princess Deluxe Doll Dress-up Styling Head, oh, Santana, I love it! Thank you so much!" He hugged her as she laughed. "Oh, I had one of these when I was 10, and I was obsessed with her, I gave this lady smoky eyes every day."  
"Well, Merry Christmas, Lady Hummel, now you can relive all of your Jeffrey Dahmer fantasies in the privacy of your own home." Santana smirked. Kurt knew she could be ruthless, but in terms of him he knew she was joking, that's why she was the only one that was actually allowed to call him lady. "But that's not it because, additionally I am giving you an all-expense paid trip to Dildo Island." He stared at her, waiting for an explination. "It's a real place, it's in Canada, I got you the deluxe bachelor package."

Kurt laughed. "I think this calls for another glass of my world-famous eggnog."  
"Yes!" Santana clapped excitedly.   
"I'm using Giada's new recipe but you tell me if it's too much allspice." He walked back over with two glasses for them and sat back next to her.   
Santana chuckled, taking the drink from him and drinking some. "What I will tell you is that I think you've become more of a Grandma Moses since moving to New York, I mean, you just had a traumatic breakup with Princess Valiant." Kurt chuckled. "You're single, you should be living it up."  
"Like you?" Kurt laughed. "Breezing through here unannounced? With a sleigh full of Christmas decorations and presents a la Auntie Mame? By the way, all of these aren't for us, are they?"

"Oh, no, no." Santana explained. "I mean, you got your decapitated head, and one of these is for Berry; a gallon of Pro-activ solution and a booklet of Jet-Blue vouchers, the rest are for me." She told him and he stared at her in confusion. He knew she enjoyed retail therapy but this was a LOT. "After what happened with Brittany I prescribed myself a little retail therapy."  
"Mmm." He hummed in understanding, though still worried for her.  
"Couldn't be in Lima right now, you know? Not with her there, it's too soon." She sighed. "But now I have to book myself a hotel."  
"In New York City during the holidays? Are you crazy? Do you know how expensive that will be?" He almost screamed at her, no way he was making his friend stay in a hotel on the Christmas week.  
"Calm down, Joyce DeWitt!" She joked, judging his shoulder. "Okay? It's gonna be fine, don't you remember that money that my mom gave me for graduation?"

"Your college fund?" He stared at her, knowing where this was headed.  
"Mmhmm."  
"Please tell me you didn't spend it all on post-breakup gifts for yourself..." He looked at the mountain of presents.   
"No, no, just half."

He was about to scold her when the door opened and Rachel stepped in. "Kurt?" She called, having heard him talking to someone, she grinned when she turned to see who was there. "Oh, my God! Santana, what are you doing here?" She walked over, throwing her coat down and taking her hat off.  
"We have our first holiday houseguest!" Kurt replied, beaming.  
"Feliz Navidad! I decided I wanted to do something a little different for the holidays this year." Santana explained with a smile of her own.   
"In that case, you're in luck." Rachel smirked, having heard some good news at NYADA. "Because I just got Kurt and I the greatest gig, you can get in on it too if you want." The other two perked up expectantly, waiting for her to explain. "We are gonna be Christmas elves in Santa Land at the Midtown Mall!" The other two frowned, looking between each other and Rachel like she was crazy. "I know what you're thinking, but I've done my research!" She quickly backtracked. "This is where the Broadway luminaries bring their children, so we'll have tons of exposure, it's gonna be great, please say you're in!" She stared at them for a moment. "Are you in? Come on! We'll all do it together."

Kurt and Santana looked to each other for a moment, before laughing and agreeing.   
"Sure, yeah." Santana smirked.  
"Yeah." Kurt giggled.  
Rachel grinned, happy they agreed. "Yeah!"  
"Cheers." Kurt tapped his and Santana's glass together as Rachel grabbed one from the kitchen and joined them.   
"I'm gonna be the best Jewish elf ever." Rachel told them and everyone laughed. "I'm serious!"  
  
\------------  
  
"We want Santa! We want Santa! We want Santa! We want Santa!" The children were shouting.  
"I'm seriously regretting these tights..." Kurt muttered, trying not to close in on himself too much. He felt so exposed in the tight outfit, even though all of him was covered over he felt more naked than he would have if there was bits missing. "They smell like Williamstown, and they're giving me serious man-gina." He sighed, looking out at the restless crowd.   
"And I am seriously sensing some workplace sexism happening over here, all these little lady elves are dressed like candy-striped hookers." Rachel groaned, wishing at least that the male elves were as equally unclad. She'd feel better if Kurt was also in a skimpy outfit in all honesty, like the boy version of candy-stripe hooker.  
  
Kurt felt he agreed with Rachel, he would have like his own outfit if it was a bit more revealing. Still long sleeves, just no tights and stupid elf shoes, something a bit more risque like Rachel's outfit.   
"Do you think they'll let me keep this when we're done?" Santana asked as she walked out of the back room, happy with her own skimpy outfit. "Because I am loving this look on me, lord of the bling~"  
"We want Santa! We want Santa!" The kids continued shouting and it was beginning to make them nervous.  
"Has anyone seen Santa?" Kurt asked the two of them, wrapping his arms round himself. "These Manhattan kids aren't gonna wait much longer." He shifted away from Santana's gaze as she looked him up and down for the second time on her visit. The first time he had been wearing a baggy jumper, so he could hide his shame and his unhealthy weight - despite the fact he saw his weight as the opposite to what other people saw - but today? With this outfit?  
  
"Oh, there he is!" Rachel called, pointing to the chariot that was heading through the crowd as the children cheered.   
"Merry Christmas! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, oh! Calm down, calm down. Here I am! No flash photos before I get on my throne, though, okay? Ah! Ho, ho, ho! Oh! Lady elves." He leered at Rachel and Santana as he stumbled up.   
"Santa, great." Kurt spoke up, eager to get this old man to stop looking at his friends like that, no matter how provocatively they were dressed, and get the line down so they could go home. "Uh, well, can we get this line moving for you?"  
The Santa actor came up into Kurt's face, almost growling in annoyance. He stunk of booze and Kurt tried not to gag. "A, don't ever look directly at me again, Keebler." Kurt quickly looked away, trying to ignore the usually jolly figure who was glaring at him and his friends who watched him with worry as the older man continued his tirade. "Ever! I don't like you and your Equity card attitude, so I'm gonna hit the men's room and craft services, aka, my flask." He chuckled creepily and shook a flask in his hand. "Why don't you take care of keeping these kids busy? Huh? Maybe you could do that Rent medley that you learned at the last open-mic cabaret night, huh?" He grinned a yellow smile at Kurt before walking off. "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho."  
  
"Okay, this crowd is about to get fugly." Santana told them once the man was out of earshot.   
"Do we have a plan?" Rachel asked, worried they wouldn't be able to settle the crowd.  
Kurt steadied himself for a moment, still shaking slightly though. "There is always a plan." He told them, though his voice quivered slightly. He spotted the tiny piano to one side and, ignoring any remaining dignity he thought he'd already lost when walking around in public in those tights, he walked over to it. "We are gonna work some NYADA magic."  
"Santana, grab a candy cane." Rachel caught onto his plan. "Kurt, hit it."  
  
They began singing 'Here Comes Santa Clause' and the crowd was silent for a moment. "Ah, just goes to show you, even in New York, all you need is just a little magic." Rachel beamed, but Kurt could see how annoyed the families in front of them looked.   
"Let's go already!"  
"You guys suck eggs!"  
"Oh, God!" Santana complained as they began throwing things at them, just wanting Santa to come out.   
Kurt stared at the crowd, trying to ignore the noise and the insults, but the way 'Santa' had spoken to him and then the families abusive words? He wasn't prepared for it to be this bad, and he felt his lungs tighten. 

"I need the toilet..." Was all he managed to mutter before he quickly speed-walked away, leaving Rachel and Santana hiding in the fake barn.   
Rushing into the restroom he began pacing, trying to calm his mind down until he rushed into a stall and threw up countless times until he spotted red in the toilet and stared at it for a moment. Red shouldn't have been there... He wiped his mouth, his hands trembling as he tried to force all the bad thoughts out of his mind. He knew it was hopeless though, and looked around for something to use to help him relax. 

He found that the mirror was broken and he managed to pry a piece of the broken metal off, holding it in his hand for a moment and locking himself into a stall. He hadn't actually used glass since the first time he'd tried hurting himself when his dad was in the coma, and he thought about whether it would be smart to do it with the reflective object, but he shook his head and pressed it into his arm, pulling it back. His skin split a lot quicker than it did with his razor and in a more jagged, wide slice, and he breathed a sigh of relief.   
Feeling a little better he stared at the new wound, very different than he found with his razor, it was also different to the first scar he received from self-harm, because it was a different shaped piece of glass. 

He got an idea and placed the small piece of glass in his sock, hoping it would help him feel relaxed even if the crowd got worked up, and he headed back out, realising that Santana had disappeared as well. He rejoined Rachel and asked her what was happening now.  
  
\------------  
  
"What?" Santana asked, sighing into the phone.  
"Where are you?" Kurt hissed, holding the phone out so himself and Rachel could hear what the other girl had to say.  
"I'm taking a much-needed break, okay? It is exhausting playing a slutty elf." Santana replied, and they heard water swash round.   
Rachel glared at the phone. "Get back here!" Kurt warned her. "Santa passed out in his own vomit and probably crapped his pants, and until the mall can find a replacement, we need you to come back and play Mrs.Clause!"  
  
"No, no, you play Mrs. Clause, Lady Hummel. You were born to play Mrs. Clause..." Santana told him. Kurt rolled his eyes, pushing his other leg against the one with glass in his sock to try and keep himself under control. "And Mrs. Butterworth and Bea Arthur and Barbara Bush."  
"The mob is getting restless out there." Rachel reminded him. "Oh, my God, we are begging you. Please come here and help us."   
  
\------------  
  
"We want Santa! We want Santa!" the crowd was still chanting and Kurt picked up the microphone as they stepped out into the open again, Santana was in the back getting ready.  
"Merry Christmas, shoppers!" He greeted, trying not to freak out. "Well, it turns out Santa, who's got a bit of a drinking problem, got into the schnapps last night, and he was a little hard to get out of bed-"  
Rachel grabbed the microphone from him quickly. "But-But it is actually Mrs. Clause who's been writing the list of who's been naughty and who's been nice and forcing us elves to work at the sweatshop and she has made a special trip to Santa Land and you guys get to tell her what you want for Christmas!" She told them, and Kurt mentally thanked her, his mask was slipping and he knew his spiralling was showing with how anxious he was.   
  
"Who's excited?" He called, hearing a cheer from the crowd. He tried to get his shoulders to relax but it was difficult. "So here she is, Mrs. Clause! Whoa! Mrs. Clause!"  
"Merry Christmas." Santana smirked, stepping out into view in her newest skimpy outfit.   
"Yeah!" One guy shouted excitedely.   
"Who's ready to sit on my lap?" Santana continued, walking down the stairs, her showing skin earning a few cheers from the crowd.

\------------  
  
"And what would you like for Christmas?" Santana asked the first kid.  
"I want a Doc McStuffins Time-for-Your-Check-up Doll."  
Kurt and Rachel smiled. "Oh, so cute!" He squealed, he always had fun with things like that when he was a kid.   
"Well, that sounds a little molesty." Santana answered, earning stares from Kurt and Rachel. "I mean, I didn't start playing doctor till I was nine. I'll see what I can do."  
  
\------------  
  
"I think that somebody needs to freeze the fat for Christmas because somebody weighs more than Mrs. Clause!" Santana told the next kid, pushing him off before he could even ask for anything.   
The other two simply stared at her, and even though Kurt knew her words weren't directed it him, it was hard not to think they were. 

\------------  
  
"Whoa, stop right there." Santana told the next kid. "You look a little Jewish, right?" She turned to the other two. "Rachel, you think?" She waved to the kid. "Okay, bye."  
Kurt rolled his eyes and Rachel face-palmed, maybe Kurt should have played Mrs. Clause after all.  
  
\------------  
  
"I think-Did you? I think he pooped in his pants."  
  
\------------  
  
"I want a Kinder College Learning Laptop." The next kid said.   
"Why don't we just get you an iPad? You can't even get porn on whatever you just asked me for, okay?"  
Kurt quickly took the kid away from Santana and moved them along to their parents, sending a glare at the ex-cheerleader.   
  
\------------  
  
"Hey, how's it going? You look exactly like a young Brittany S. Pierce, doesn't she?" She smiled at the kid. "Brittany is my ex-girlfriend and she just dumped me which is why I'm even here and why I have this job, and we're lesbians. You know, and, like, I'd never been with-"  
Rachel and Kurt intervened before it could escalate any further. "Okay, great job!" Kurt told her, glaring at her.   
  
\------------  
  
"What would you like for Christmas?"  
"I'd like-"  
"Oh, no, you know what? I think that you should ask Santa to get your daddy a job with some dental benefits because your grille is freaking jacked up, do you see this?" Santana asked Kurt and Rachel, who just face palmed and moved the kid along.  
"I think that Mrs. Clause needs a break. This is going well, right?" Santana stood, dusting her jacket off and walking into the back.   
  
Kurt and Rachel quickly followed, not wanting to face the wrath of the parents.   
"I say we bounce, those parents will kill us." Kurt told them, pushing the mirror into his ankle and letting the calm wash over him. It didn't help much though, with Santana's words to those children still fresh in his mind. He knew it was stupid, but he couldn't help it. He used to play with those types of toys, did that make him 'molesty'? He weighed more than Santana, did that make him fat and disgusting? He already knew the answer to that one, and the need to puke his guts up was rising again as he began pacing while Rachel went to check up on some things.   
  
Santana watched him pacing but didn't say anything, she knew something was wrong just not what, and she didn't want to push the matter. She was probably just looking into things too much.   
His phone began to ring and he pulled it out of his pocket, seeing Sebastian's name and picture pop up. He sighed and told Santana he'd be right back, walking away so he could hear the other boy.  
"Hey, Seb..." He muttered, continuing his pacing. He could feel the glass dig in with every step he made and it helped to ground him. 

"I know that tone, what's happening, princess?" Sebastian asked.   
"Everything's gone to shit, that's what's happening." Kurt replied, running a hand through his hair. "These parents are ready to kill us because Santana was mean to the kids and Santa threatened me and-"  
"Woah, calm down." Sebastian told him. "Take a breath, relax. Is there any way you can get out of there?"  
"At this point I don't know, Rachel just went to see if she can find anything out." He sighed. 

"Ok, and are you safe right now?"   
"Yeah, for the moment..." Kurt muttered. "Don't know how long that'll last."  
Someone barged into him, almost knocking his phone from his hands. "Watch where you're going keebler! You almost made me drop my newest flask!"  
Kurt forgot about the eye-contact warning and quickly regretted looking to the man.   
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT EYE CONTACT, FAIRY?!" He growled at the boy, Kurt quickly looked away, staring at the ground and praying the man would go back to the toilet and leave him alone. "You're gonna fail in this town, boy. You disgust me." With one last barge into the shutters of the shop next to him Kurt continued staring at the ground as the man walked away.   
  
"Hummel?" Sebastian asked, concerned. "You ok? Who was that?"  
Kurt knew his breathing was quickening, his hands were shaking, and he forced one leg against the other, feeling the glass dig itself into his ankle deeper than it had before. "I'm fine..." He muttered.   
"Don't lie to me, Kurt... What's going on in your head right now?"   
Kurt paused, but his mask had been completely shattered at this point, everything that had happened tonight had worn him down and he curled up on the floor, bringing his legs to his chest, breathing rapidly. "He's right, I'm disgusting, I'm horrible, I'm never going to get aywhere! I'll be here to make sure my friends acheive their dreams and I'll end up in a dead end job with my gay face and my disgusting, fat body and I'll never get a boyfriend that'll care about me, and all my friends will leave me and I'll be alone forever with nothing to show for my life-" He cut himself off by bursting into tears, hyperventilating as he clung to the phone. 

"Hummel, Kurt come on, stay with me, please, just breathe!" Sebastian's voice came, still trying to catch up with all that Kurt had said. It was rare Kurt's mask slipped, it was usually when eh thought nobody was looking or paying attention, probably because he was used to people not paying attention, but this wasn't just his mask slipping, this was his mask breaking from over-use over months of pretending to be happy and pretending to be someone he isn't, not anymore. "Ok, breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven, out for eight, want me to do it with you?"  
Kurt made a strangled sound and Sebastian took it as a yes.   
"Ok, in for four." He made sure Kurt could hear his exaggerated breathing over the line. The other boy tried to follow along and after a few minutes was breathing normally again. "There you go, Hummel... You ok?"

"I'm fine, I was just being stupid..." Kurt muttered, completely exhausted. "I should probably get back..."  
"Ok, try to relax, and get yourself out of there, ok?"  
"Ok... Thank you..." He stood, shaking slightly.  
Sebastian smiled. "No problem, princess."  
  
\------------  
  
"It's bad." Rachel told them a moment after Kurt had come back.   
"Are we fired?" He asked, trying to pretend he wasn't just hyperventilating on the floor in an elf costume.   
"No, I'm afraid we're gonna get killed!" Rachel answered. "There's a mob of angry parents out there. We're never gonna get hired as holiday retail temps again, it's over."  
"It's all over..." Kurt mumbled, but more of a reminder to himself that they wouldn't have to do this again.   
"No, it's not." A new voice came and everyone turned to see the most attractive Santa ever. "How you doing? Cody Tolentino, but you can just call me 'Sexy Clause'." He smirked. "Heard some chatter about there was some trouble over here? Us Santa's tend to keep pretty close ranks."  
  
"Okay, listen, even I'll admit that my girl-loving vagina's feeling a little jingle bell from you but, uh, we don't need your help." Santana told him and Kurt glared at her, they definitely needed help getting out of this situation, and while he wasn't usually one for asking for a lot of help, this was a dire situation.   
"Okay, well, then I'll just go." Cody told them. "But if I were you guys, I would-I would leave out the back door, I mean, these places tend to turn people into animals when 'tis the season. You mess with somebody's Yule, and they will trample your a-"  
  
"Okay, no, please." Rachel stepped forward. "I'm sorry, we-we don't-we don't want to be trampled, so what do we need to do?"  
"Yes. Anything. Truly." Kurt agreed. "Uh, I'm Kurt, by the way, newly single."  
"Well, it's not a one-day fix, I can calm things down for today but if you truly want to save Christmas for this store and all of you it's gonna take the rest of the week, I hereby deputise each of you as my elves." Cody smirked, flashing them a smile.   
"Oh, we're deputised." Kurt smirked, forgetting about his panic attack, especially when Cody winked at him. "Sounds fun. What are our responsibilities?"  
  
Cody laughed. "Well, let's not get into that just yet, I like to get to know my elves first." He shrugged. "So what do you guys say? Maybe dinner? Your place?"  
"How's 8:00?" Kurt asked, now taking the charge on this. Santana had told him to get out of his own way and see other people? Plus Cody had winked at him right? No what was the harm in letting someone think they found him attractive for now even if they realised he wasn't later? Which he definitely would realise... Maybe Kurt could have some fun with him before that.  
"Right on. Merry Christmas, everybody." And with that Cody left to go sort out the crowd, the group of three heading home.   
  
\------------  
  
"Do we really have to take down all of the ornaments?" Rachel asked, dismayed to be pulling down the decorations around the apartment.   
"Rachel, yes." Kurt rolled his eyes. He needed a pick me up after the long night last night. He hadn't slept the night before, instead he found solace in his razor and the feeling of emptying his stomach until the sun came up and the others woke. "I thought it'd be nice to have a tree-trimming party to, you know, get us in the holiday spirit... We all set in there?" He called through to Santana as she came out of the bathroom.  
"If, by 'all set', you mean did I light the candy-cane scented candles on the toilet? Then, yes, we are all set." She smirked, folding her arms.   
"Good, perfect." Kurt smiled. "Now, here, try this." He held a wooden spoon out with his newest cooking creation on. "I added some nutmeg." He told her. He knew it would be better to test it himself, but he hadn't eaten food in weeks and he didn't plan to ruin his plans now. Besides, it would only make him feel sick to his stomach and he had to admit he felt weak after last nights binge session.   
  
"No." Santana shook her head once she'd tried some. "I think that needs some kick, I mean, come on, Kurt, don't all you gays love Julia Child? Didn't she, like, spike everything?"  
"Well, I guess I could add some cooking sherry in here..." Kurt muttered. He hadn't been to the bar in a while and was looking for a little pick-me-up anyway, so why not.   
"Yes!" Santana grinned, handing him the bottle.   
  
"Ho Ho Ho!" Cody called as he entered the loft. "Merry Christmas!"  
"Merry Christmas." Everyone answered with a smile.   
  
\------------  
  
"I mean, for struggling actors, geez, you guys got a great apartment." Cody told them, looking around at all the ornaments and knickknacks. "Is that vintage?"  
"Uh-huh, yeah, I-I love vintage." Kurt smiled, cursing himself for getting nervous. He needed to let loose and listen to Santana for once.   
Cody continued browsing. "Albums."  
"Well, yeah, you gotta have vintage." Kurt smirked.  
"So, uh, you got any tricks in that bag, Santa?" Santana flirted, and Kurt felt completely outmatched.  
"Oh, well, you know, I do do all kinds of parties." Cody answered, smirking at them all. "Kids, bachelorette, bachelor." He winked at Kurt. "Well, let's see, I got balloons and helium, costumes, all kinds of stuff. So how did you guys all meet?"  
  
"We were in, um, high school glee club together." Rachel smiled, accepting a drink of eggnog from Kurt. "Kurt and I first, and then-It's just-It's complicated."   
Santana thanked Kurt when he handed her a glass as well, and Kurt picked up his own glass only for Cody to trade it for one filled with the cooking sherry. Kurt stared at him for a moment, but grabbed a candy-cane and slipped it into the glass, smirking and taking a sip of the straight alcohol. He'd gotten a lot better at drinking after going to the bar so much anyway.   
"Glee club, huh? Do you guys take requests? 'Cause I just thought of something truly amazing." Cody smirked and held up the helium.   
  
They sung the Chipmunk Song together, Kurt downing drink after drink as they went along and lowering his inhibitions exponentially. At least he had no trouble flirting anymore, even during the song.   
Santana and Rachel eventually collapsed onto the sofa, and Kurt took the opportunity to try and make himself feel better about recent events. In his drunken state he didn't really realise how twisted that logic was, he would try anything to feel better at this point.  
So, he grabbed Sexy-Clause by the brace and dragged him into his bedroom, pulling the curtain across after.   
  
\------------  
  
Kurt could barely hear Rachel and Santana talking in the other room, but he didn't care, at the moment he was pushed between a desk and one of the most chiselled men he'd ever seen.  
"Kurt? Kurt? Kurt?" He heard, but he ignored it, until the curtain was pulled back and he heard his friends gasping.   
"Oh, my God!" Rachel squealed, laughing.  
Santana shook her head, but looked impressed. "Oh, hell no, that is not happening!"  
"Oh, don't worry, ladies." Cody smirked. "Santa swings both ways."  
  
"What's the matter, Santana?" Kurt asked, his words slurring as he spoke, but he didn't care. "Jealous?"  
"No, I am disgusted and also impressed." Santana smirked. "Who knew the Queen of England could be so trashy?"  
Kurt scoffed. "Aren't you the one who's always calling me Miss Priss? And telling me that I need to live it up a bit? Well, you're right." He told her sternly. "I'm in New York, I'm single, I'm available." He turned back to Cody, placing a finger on his chest. "And your hot buttered rum concoction is dangerously lowering my inhibitions. So why not throw caution to the wind?"  
  
"In that case, let's drink up." Cody smirked, holding his glass up.   
They all began toasting. "Here's to being naughty this Christmas."  
"To being naughty." Kurt smirked.  
The rest of the night was a bit of a blur.  
  
\------------  
  
"Kurt..." He finally heard them say, he had been trying to get their attention for hours at this point, thankfully Cody had agreed to but his shirt and some pyjama bottoms back on so the others couldn't see his 'disgusting body'. "Oh, my God! Take that out of his mouth." Rachel told Santana as they went into the room, quickly beginning to untie his binds. Kurt could feel where the rope had dug into his skin, and even worse into his still open and hurting wounds from the glass the night before last. Even his wrists were red and rubbed raw from the rope and the corners of his mouth was split from where that make-shift gag had been forced into his mouth to stop him from screaming.   
  
"What happened? Are you okay?" Rachel asked.  
"What is this?" Santana added.  
"Rough trade Santa." Kurt almost spat, pissed off and most of all, embarrassed. "That's what happened! Oh, God! We were role-playing and he wanted me to be his Rudolph and when I said no, well, he stopped being so jolly." Kurt was open to role-play, he'd tried it before, but he enjoyed being the top. Even if Blaine had never really let him be the top, he had always had to be the bottom, he figured with a new guy and new experiences, he would be able to be top for once. "Oh, God, he took off his suspenders, and he tied me up. And-And, well, he did say it was sexy kissing me because it was like I had no teeth..." He muttered, rubbing his sore wrists and stretching out his back.   
  
"That's disgusting." Santana groaned. "This is disgusting."  
"But then he just admitted that he was only here to rob us blind anyway." He sighed, letting his head fall into his hands. He felt gross, and exposed, and really stupid. He knew he shouldn't have tried to get out of his comfort zone. All the things Cody had said to him... he felt like the ugliest, most disgusting human being in the world. "Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick..." He muttered, looking at the almost empty loft.   
  
\------------  
  
"Oh, Santana, I feel like such a fool... I just wanted to get outside of myself." Kurt mumbled a couple hours later, after he'd excused himself for a long shower and spent a while cleaning the wounds on his ankle and adding a couple more to his hips and thighs before puking his guts up continuously for about an hour. He felt so gross, and Cody had called him disgusting. He felt enormous, he'd never felt so big and disgusting and he needed to do something to make himself feel better. He didn't care if it was obvious how tired he was, he'd spent over six hours tied up in the same position on his bed, screaming until his voice was raw. He knew he was paler than usual after a couple days of purging, and he knew the dark circles under his eyes were the worst they'd ever been. But he couldn't find it in himself to care today. "You know, let myself be free for once, and look what happened. Everything, including my collection of Broadway Playbills, was stolen." He sighed, lolling his head back on the sofa. "I've never felt so ashamed."  
  
Santana nodded sympathetically. "That's why I could never live here... Bushwick is worse than Lima Heights."  
"You can't tell anyone about this. Even though Blaine and I are broken up, you can never tell him." Kurt demanded, sternly. "Promise me."  
"I promise." She smiled, resting her head on his shoulder.   
"Hey." Rachel greeted as she came into the loft. "Okay, so I just got back from the mall, turns out that Cody ransacked Santa Land as well. He even took all of the money from the Salvation Army bucket, the police said that we were lucky that we weren't hurt."  
"Uh!" Kurt pointed to himself.   
"More hurt." Rachel sighed, offering a sad smile. "But, needless to say, our services at the Midtown Mall are no longer required."  
  
"This is gonna follow us." Kurt looked down at the floor as she plonked down on the sofa next to him, resting her head on his other shoulder. "The fact that we were fired from our jobs as Christmas elves is gonna be a black mark on our acting resumes for the rest of our lives."  
"Not if we have something else to make up for it, which I do." Rachel smirked, ready to tell them her plan. "So I was getting off of the subway and I was passing Fifth Avenue-"  
"Rachel, another one of your crazy jobs? We barely survived the first one." Santana told her and Kurt nodded.   
"Trust me, Santana." Rachel smiled. "This job will not only test our mettle as performers but we will be protected by the safety of bulletproof glass."  
  
\------------  
  
Kurt had to admit, the new job Rachel got for them was amazing, they even got to keep the amazing outfits they modelled. Kurt had fun behind the glass, singing without fear of being able to hear what people thought of him, his voice, his body, and also knowing he was protected from any angry parents or drunken Santa's helped a lot. Plus he was able to do this job with two of his favourite people, what could be better?  
  
True, he'd had to spend more time getting his outfit fitted than the other two due to it needing altering and made smaller, but he soon got the outfit sorted by the costume department and thanked them, joining his friends in the window and singing for passers-by.   
  
\------------  
  
Kurt's leg had been hurting him a lot over the past couple days, the wounds had closed and began healing, but he realised he was stupid to keep the glass in his sock for that long, especially when he was freaking out anyway, he had managed to dig too deep around the appendage and he would make sure to be more careful next time. He tried to keep pressure off of it as he decorated the mini tree.   
Christmas would be in a day and he always felt more festive once the tree went up, even if it was a tiny little one.  
Rachel was getting ready to head to the airport behind him and he was trying not to think about how much he'd miss his best friend over the holidays. Santana had gone the previous day but promised to visit again soon, and Brody had been gone for a week or so with some friends from NYADA.   
  
"Well, if you're not going to come to Lima, then my dads and I insist you come with us to the Rosie O'Donnell Gay Holiday Cruise." Rachel told him, walking over and hooking her arm in his. He smiled at her. "It's going to be so much fun, there's even going to be a Jessie Tyler Ferguson look-alike contest."  
"Well, in that case, I'm definitely gonna have to pass!" Kurt smirked, earning an eye roll from his best friend. "Honey, uh And besides, there's really no reason to go to Lima, anyway, my dad and Finn and Carole are visiting Carole's sister in Zanesville, and she always has too much eggnog and blacks out. Happy holidays!"  
"Well, what about Blaine?" She asked, worried about him being alone over Christmas, nobody should be alone at the holidays.  
  
"I talked to him. But, you know, he knows that I'm saving my money for NYADA now, and it'll be good to just have some time for myself, you know, and think about things and..." He lost his train of thought when there was a knock on the door.  
"Can you get that?" Rachel asked as she continued packing.  
"Okay, what do we need for this tree? It's just hopeless-" He headed to the door and pulled it across. "Dad!"  
"Burt?"  
"Season's greetings!" Burt greeted him, letting his son hug him and laughing.  
"Oh, my God!"  
  
"Well, I got a tree, you need one?" Burt smirked.  
"Come in!"  
"Okay, all right, I got it, I got it." Burt dragged the tree inside, Kurt grabbing the other end and helping him bring it in. "Okay, you can let go now."   
They pushed it up into place and Kurt beamed, happy to have a real tree now.   
"Come on, let's go look at it." Burt clapped him on the shoulder and they stepped back so they could see it properly.   
  
"Oh, it's perfect." Rachel smiled.   
"Yeah, well, I couldn't imagine you guys celebrating Christmas without a real tree." Burt smiled. "You know, his mom used to always buy the tree." He began explaining as Kurt began decorating. "I'd always tell her to wait till I got home from work, but she never could, and then, the first Christmas after his mom died, I totally forgot about it. That is, until I saw little Kurt hanging his own special version of a Christmas ornament on his window shade Christmas Eve."  
Kurt smiled at the memory. "Oh..." He pulled one of the pieces out of the box Burt had bought with him. "My mom's perfume bottle... I always loved the way she smelled."  
"So I pull him out of bed, I throw a coat on him, I drive straight through a snowstorm, right down to the Christmas tree sale, it was the first time he smiled since his mom died."  
  
"Okay, no tears on Christmas Eve!" Kurt warned them. "This box is full of happy memories, as well, like our Christmas trip to Dollywood."  
Burt smiled. "Oh, yeah, that one I like."  
"That trip was for me." Kurt rolled his eyes. "Oh, and this redneck NASCAR trip, that was for you." He placed the ornament back in the box and Burt laughed, same as every year. "Hey, this is a nice ornament! Let's hang them."  
"All right, well, I wish I could stay, but can't really be late for a cruise, so..." Rachel smiled, she loved seeing how close her best friend was with his dad.  
"Oh, hold on!" Burt told her, pushing her to stand next to Kurt and handing them both a present between them. "You got to open this before you go, uh, happy Hanukkah, merry Christmas. It's for your first New York holiday season." He explained as they opened the new ornament together. "Hang it together."  
  
"Thank you." Rachel smiled and her and Kurt turned to the tree, she had to stand on her tip-toes but they hung it and turned back to Burt.   
She hugged both of them and then left for her flight.  
"Kurt, okay, this, to our very first New York Christmas." Burt smiled, patting his son on the shoulder.   
  
\------------  
  
"I never thought I'd see this day." Kurt beamed. "Us walking down the streets of New York, right after seeing a live Broadway musical~"   
"Well, the Rockettes might have better legs than me, but they can't touch my "Single Ladies" performance." Burt joked and Kurt couldn't help but laugh.   
"That was the best musical I've ever seen." He chuckled, offering his dad a cup of coffee.   
Burt laughed. "Ah, it's freezing! I think it's time to check off another. Hot chocolate."  
  
They headed to a local cafe/bar and cat down at the bar, ordering a hot chocolate each. Kurt picked at the whipped cream on top, trying not to let it effect his weak stomach.   
"Kurt, I have something to tell you, and I came here because it's the kind of thing I want to tell you face-to-face." Burt suddenly said and Kurt paused, wiping his finger on his napkin.   
"Don't like the sound of that..." He muttered.   
"Look, I'm just going to come out and say it because there's no good way to say it." Burt sighed and Kurt stared at him for a moment. "Uh, I have prostate cancer."  
  
Kurt stared at the table, bile rising in his throat and his skin itching to be split open. "I feel like I'm going to be sick..." He muttered.   
"No, no, hey, hey, look at me." Burt told him, stern but kind. "Do I look like a guy who's dying? We caught it early, you know, local stage, no spreading..." He smiled. "Cure rate's nearly 100%."  
"For healthy people, Dad..." Kurt sighed, looking down for a moment. His family had had a history of cancer after all and it didn't end well for his mother. "You've already had a heart attack."  
Burt smiled. "The heart attack is what, you know, made me get checkups twice a year."  
"It's just really scary to think that when I finally reach my destiny, that you won't be around to see it..." Kurt sighed, he'd already lost his mom and almost lost his dad with his heart attack a couple years ago.  
"Hey." Burt caught his attention again. "I will be there. I promise." He sighed as Kurt simply nodded a little. "Look, can I just give you one piece of advice while we're still talking father to son? This is three times I've had to stare death in the eye, and you know the one thing I took away from all that? You have got to hold the people you love close to you no matter what."  
  
\------------  
  
"Dad, you okay? Do you need a pillow or tea, water?" Kurt asked softly, walking into the lounge.  
"No, Kurt, stop, come on, let's focus on happy things, like our Christmas traditions." Burt patted the seat next to him, smiling as his son sat down. "I am looking forward to watching basketball on Christmas Day while you pretend you watch with me."  
"You mean while I secretly read Vogue?"  
"That was never a secret." They both laughed.  
"No, like our other Christmas traditions, like on Christmas Eve, where we each exchange one gift." Kurt smiled, standing again and grabbing a gift from under the tree.   
  
"My favourite part!" Burt chuckled. "All right, you first." He took the gift from his son and began opening it.   
"I know it's cheesy, but thought you'd like it." Kurt smiled as But put the NYADA cap on his head.   
"Screw cheesy!" He laughed. "I love it! In Mexico, they would call me Senor Queso. Look at this, I love it, man, you are going to kick ass at that school!"  
"That's the plan." Kurt smiled a little. "All right, my turn."

"Okay, so my gift to you is really big." Burt began. "It's too big to put under the tree."  
"Curiosity piqued." Kurt smirked.   
Burt laughed. "Okay, so you can pick it up at this address, and, you know, if you don't like it, you can return it."   
Kurt stared at him for a moment, his anxiety rising a little, but he smiled at his dad, knowing the man wouldn't send him anywhere bad.  
  
\------------  
  
"Package for Kurt Hummel?" A familiar voice came and Kurt paused for a second, before turning quickly to face his ex, flashing him that usual dapper smile. Kurt didn't know what to think, he felt like his entire brain had been taken over by the blue screen of death.  
"Blaine?" He finally whispered, not knowing what else to say. But he had to admit, after the past couple days and months in general, it was good to see his ex.  
"Surprise." Blaine smiled. "Your dad called me out of the blue and wanted to fly me out here just so I can see that look on your face, and it's pretty priceless. Actually, he told me everything, and I promise, I'll keep an eye on him for you."  
  
Kurt nodded a little, not being able to stop himself from smiling. Blaine was familiar, Blaine had been safe once, and with how bad he had been feeling, maybe he should realise that he wouldn't get any better, in fact Blaine was too good for him to begin with...  
"But the reason why I'm here is because he didn't want us to miss out on another important holiday tradition." Blaine taunted and Kurt smiled.   
"Our Christmas duet?"  
"You are happy to see me, right?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah." Kurt stepped closer to him, smiling. "Always."  
"Come on. Get your skates on, it's almost midnight." Blaine grinned at him and Kurt tried to ignore how bad his ankle would hurt after this as he got his skates on and got out onto the ice. "Hurry up!" Blaine chuckled as he began skating around. Kurt couldn't help but laugh as he chased after his ex boyfriend. It took him a while to get used to the pain in his ankle and soon he was overtaking Blaine, laughing and taunting him to catch up.  
They laughed as they skated around, and soon Blaine took a hold of Kurt's hand, taking them over to the side.   
"Listen, hey..." He smiled as Kurt tried to catch his breath. "It's midnight, it's Christmas. Officially." Kurt nodded and smiled. "No matter what, no matter where, even if we're not together, we're always going to be there for each other."   
  
Kurt nodded. "Always." He agreed, and they continued skating for a while more before Blaine suggested heading back to Kurt's.   
He tried not to freak out, knowing the last time they walked back to his he had found out Blaine had cheated, so they didn't walk through Central Park, or the park near the loft, and headed straight upstairs. Kurt really tried not to limp on his ankle but with every second it hurt more and more.   
  
\------------  
  
After a cool ice bath for his ankle to help calm down the irritated area, he headed back out into the lounge, where Blaine and his dad were watching the game. "So, who's winning?" He asked, plonking himself down on the sofa with them.  
"Celtics." They both answered, and Kurt knew they were waiting to see how long it took him to pick up a magazine.   
"Okay, I tried." He rolled his eyes, picking up his magazine and knowing his dad would have won anyway.   
"Ah 20 seconds!" Burt laughed. "Pay up, Anderson! You may have dated him, but I raised him, I know my son."  
  
Kurt shook his head, just happy reading his magazine.  
"Aw, you couldn't have just toughed it out for just a few more seconds, Kurt?" Blaine asked, smiling.  
"No." He answered, simply.   
"Just a few more seconds."  
  
"So graduating Plans for the future?" Burt asked.  
"Uh well I haven't talked about this with Kurt, and I wouldn't do anything to make him uncomfortable, but I was thinking about applying to NYADA." Blaine shrugged and Kurt stared at him. "Would that be okay?"  
"I think that'd be great." Kurt smiled, though a million thoughts were running through his mind.   
"Me, too." Blaine chuckled and they all sat around talking for a while.   
  
\------------

The next day the two men had to go early to be with other people for Christmas day, so Kurt took them to the airport and said his goodbyes before heading back to the loft.   
He looked around at the empty room and sighed, it smelled like Blaine now and he didn't really know what to do with himself. 

In the end he ended up breaking down thinking about his dad's health, curled up in the space on the floor in the corner of the sofa. He sat there for a while, his tears had subsided but he still sat there, staring at the tree his dad had bought him.   
  
After a while, his phone began to ring and he picked it up. "Hello?"  
"Hey, Hummel." Sebastian smiled at him through face time.   
He couldn't help but smile. "Hey, Seb..."  
"How's your Christmas going?" Sebastian asked, smirking as he lounged on his bed.   
Kurt shrugged a little. "Not bad, just dropped my dad and Blaine off at the airport."

Sebastian shot him a worried look.   
"Don't worry, I didn't know Blaine was coming, it was a bit of a... 'gift' from my dad." He shrugged.   
The other boy nodded a little, but he still looked worried, glancing over Kurt's face. Had nobody noticed how skinny he boy looked? He thought it was bad when he'd seen him before but now? He was skeletal, his cheeks sunken and his eyes dark and almost lifeless. He could see his collarbones poking out from under his shirt. How had nobody noticed?   
"Sebastian?" Kurt asked, raising a brow.   
"Sorry, think the connection went weird..." Sebastian muttered. "You doing ok, Hummel?"

"Yeah, why?" Kurt asked, confused.  
Sebastian shrugged a little. "In all honesty, I'm more than a bit worried about you."  
Kurt stared at him for a moment. "I don't see why..."   
"You don't see why?" Sebastian asked back as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

"I have to go..." Kurt muttered and went to hang up.   
"No, wait, I'm sorry..." Sebastian sighed. "Look, even though we're totally not friends, I am allowed to worry about you. Someone has to." He smirked and Kurt sighed, looking down.  
When he looked back up there were tears in his eyes. "I'm fine..." It was barely a whisper, and Sebastian didn't know what to do at this point, Kurt looked exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally... and there was nothing he could do while he was stuck in Ohio.   
"You're a terrible liar..." Was all he said, and Kurt closed his eyes for a moment. 

Sebastian waited, waiting for Kurt to finally open up to someone and tell them what was happening, but instead, the phone went dead.   
He stared at it for a moment, before trying to phone back a couple of times, but Kurt wasn't answering.   
Not knowing what to do, he let himself be dragged back into the family activities, though his mind remained on his new friend, worry settling into his mind worse than it had the past couple times he'd seen the countertenor. 

Kurt was curled in a ball, sobbing his eyes out when he felt bile raise up his throat, he screamed loudly at the top of his lungs, he didn't want this anymore! He didn't want to feel this way, he didn't want to not allow himself to eat or even be able to take a taste of something without vomiting. He wanted to be able to feel something other than anxious and depressed, something other than what the blade let him feel. He wanted to LIVE again. 

But he couldn't. 

And he wouldn't.

So, he headed into the bathroom once again, ready to try and make himself feel better...


	14. On the Outside Always Looking In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while, I had a couple commissions to work on, and I've been working in a supermarket during covid shtuff on nights, so I've been a bit busy and tired aha
> 
> Anyway, let's get back into it shall we?

Kurt's first week at NYADA, and the most surprising thing to him about college, was that it's just like high school. It's all about the cliques, he'd learned through his observations just what groups there were though, the stage combat majors were the jocks. Athletic, always fighting and even sometimes pushing people around in the corridors... He tried not to focus on that, hoping if he kept to himself he wouldn't be the schools punching bag once again.   
Classical acting majors were the preps, uncool but not bothered by it, they liked what they liked. He could somewhat respect that.   
The ballerinas were the mean girls, the cheerleaders of the musical world, and if they were at the top of the social pyramid, then, once again, he found himself at the bottom...

On his first day upon entering a classroom, he'd been forced out of the room by the stage combat jocks, and it had frazzled him quite a bit if he was being honest. He felt like the entire school was making it's cream coloured, art nouveau walls enclose on him and force him out and he wasn't exactly living for it.  
He had assumed himself and Rachel would be as inseparable as the twins in Side Show, but he found she was always rushing off to help Brody with something that required him to be shirtless.

"All right, Brody has an audition for 'Magic Mike: The Musical', so I'm gonna go help him. I'll see you at home later, and I love you!" She had called to him earlier before rushing off once again, leaving him in the daunting, quickly closing in corridors. Despite the amount of windows letting in the natural, beautiful light that always seemed to flow around this area, he felt claustrophobic, too many windows made him feel as if people were watching him.   
He had resided himself to the bathroom for twenty minutes, focusing on his breathing and just trying to relax. He didn't know what would happen, just because he was back down at the bottom of the heap didn't mean he'd get locker checked, or dumpster thrown, or slushie facials... Though he was only hopeful of that last one because it seemed nobody here would want the empty calories. Something they had in common he supposed. 

The truth was, he needed to start making new friends. He nodded to himself in the bathroom mirror, made sure his hair looked ok and his sleeves were pulled down far enough, and headed back out. And just like in high school, the best way to do that was extracurriculars.   
So he found himself in front of the notice board - or the beam downstairs in the large courtyard area where people went at lunch that had everything posted over it - and glanced over everything. Truth be told he'd not really been around this area much, knowing if he ran into Rachel and Brody they'd make him join them and with Brody already on edge about looking after him already, he knew the other boy was bound to notice he wasn't eating eventually. Plus the whole third wheel aspect was saddening, and being around so many people eating - he'd learned - was quite triggering for him and made him just want to throw up, just on reflex, like his whole body hated the whole idea of putting food into his body.   
  
Forcing those thoughts down along with the fact that he'd been feeling tired recently and had found himself running out of breath while singing his usual easy high notes, he glanced back to the board and tried to focus on what he could do to get himself some friends. A terrifying thought really... "Let's see, the Elizabethan Society..." He mumbled, reading over the posters. "The Grand Guignol Club, the Tennessee Williams Play Reading Group, and... What's Adam's Apples?" The poster in question caught his eye and he tilted his head slightly, as he read the paper.   
"NYADA's show choir; you should join." Someone told him as he walked past. "It's super fun~"  
Kurt didn't know what to say as the - admittedly handsome - boy walked away with an adorable little smile on his lips. Kurt knew that smile, he'd gained it from Blaine a couple times, and he'd seen all the glee couples constantly looking at each other like that. What he didn't understand if why this boy would look at him like that? He wasn't anything special...  
  
But as the retreating boys smile only grew at Kurt's confusion, he found himself smile a tiny bit as well and looked back down to the poster, trying to avoid turning red.   
Maybe he wasn't good enough for any guy yet, and after the whole Santa incident, he was admittedly quite terrified of getting involved with anyone else yet. But he would be lying if he said the other boy wasn't cute. He ripped his gaze away from the board and shook his head a little.  
His limbs felt tingly and he felt a rush in his chest. Nowadays he wasn't too sure what his body was trying to tell him anymore, but he felt like he had to do something with the rush he was feeling.   
  
So, he turned and headed for the exit. Across the road from NYADA grounds was a fairly large park which was reserved for faculty, students, alumni plus friends and family when they visited. It was a nice place, light sand paths, vibrant grass, loads of trees. Honestly he loved nature, and this place reminded him of the plant-life back in Ohio - only more groomed and laid out - He wrapped his jacket around his waist and paid a couple cent to hire out one of the outside lockers at the entrance to the park, placing his bag into it and locking it up.   
H'ed taken to jogging around the neighbourhood around the loft when he needed to clear his head, and he had to admit, this place felt a lot safer than the terrifying mugger-filled streets of Bushwick. He started off at a light jog, thankfully not a lot of people were around this area.   
  
On days like this, when he felt so much more adverse to even the idea of eating in general and his own body felt just... wrong, exercise tended to help.   
He let his mind wonder to the boy he'd just met, the one who flashed him that adorable, flirty look that he'd seen other couples use so often.   
He still couldn't understand why the boy would flash that look at him. Maybe he hadn't, maybe he'd been looking at someone behind him, or maybe he hadn't fully looked at Kurt. He quickened.   
His mind went to Blaine. He'd never felt good enough for the other boy, regardless of how much he tried to make them even in their relationship. In the end, he HADN'T been good enough, Blaine had found comfort in someone else, in another man's arms. Kurt hadn't been good enough for him.  
  
The first openly gay guy he'd met, the one he'd loved since he'd first taken his hand and lead him down the corridors of Dalton. The one who, somehow, he'd managed to convince to love him back. And he'd managed to throw it all away, pushed Blaine away to another man. He sped up.  
He had resented Blaine, he'd hated him for what he'd done. But spending Christmas with him? Seeing how close the boy and his dad still was just set as a reminder that his family and friends had preferred Blaine to himself. His dad probably wished Blaine would be his son, it probably would have stopped a lot of the issues of having the obviously gay kid as a son. Faster.  
  
After the past couple months, he'd realised that he was to blame. Not Blaine, himself. He hadn't been a good enough boyfriend. He should have made more time, should have put Blaine first like he had always TRIED to do in the past. He shouldn't have left Blaine behind in the journey toward his own dreams that were completely collapsing around him. He pushed himself harder, completely lost to this thoughts.   
He shouldn't have managed to get Blaine in the first place, he simply wasn't good enough. If he couldn't even make sure the love of his life had been happy, how would he be able to make sure any other guy he dated would be happy too? Maybe he should just give up, stop looking for love, because he'd already ruined the only chance he had. Faster. Push harder.   
  
The bottom line? Kurt wasn't good enough for anyone. He had once believed that if he stayed true to himself, if he simply existed as Kurt Hummel, he would be appreciated for who he was. But after he met Blaine, it was a constant race to make himself better, to improve himself and make sure he was good enough for the people around him. He guessed he lost Kurt Hummel along the way and a new version of himself kicked in. He'd always strived for goodness, something he prided himself on. It's what made him try his best at everything he put his mind to. But pushing so hard and forcing himself so far just to get kicked down and told it wasn't enough was always challenging.   
He'd tried with Blaine. He'd tried so hard, and he'd still managed to fuck it all up.   
  
He stopped, resting in the shade of a large tree, his hands on his knees and panting heavily. His lungs screamed for air, his legs hurt so much, he could feel his pulse in his head. He hadn't noticed when he'd began running, or when that running turned into sprinting, as if his life depended on it. But it felt good. He felt... alive. Amidst all the pain anyway. But if there's anything he'd learnt over the past couple months, it's that pain, could help.  
  
\------------

He felt pretty good the next morning when he'd woken up, refreshed even. When he moved his legs they argued, feeling stiff and painful as he forced himself to stand up and stretch. He hadn't gotten much sleep, but a bit more than was normal recently because of how tired he'd been. After his sprint through the campus paths, he'd had to walk all the way back, then had more classes at NYADA, before heading home. On the way back to the loft, he'd decided to have another jog, not feeling like he'd pushed himself hard enough, especially after running into this mysterious boy a couple more times during his classes and his short dance practice that afternoon. He wanted to be on Cassie's good side after all, and practising was a good way to start.   
  
"I can sing high and sing low~" He poured himself some tea, practising his basic range as he did so. "I can sing high and sing low~"  
"Kurt, he's still sleeping!" Rachel hissed at him, but grinned at how happy the boy seemed. She missed seeing him this care free.   
"Would you like some tea?~" He sung at her.   
She giggled a little. "Yes, I would, but shh!" She wrapped her robe around herself, folding her arms and offering him a smile.   
"Brody's here?" He asked, handing her a cup of tea. It was a new citrus-y flavour, he used to love tea and since he couldn't stomach the idea of food touching his lips, he figured maybe a good substitute could be tea. "Did he spend the night?"

"Yeah. We had dinner last night at Balthazar, and he insisted on taking me home." Rachel shrugged a little, but the grin on her face spoke a world of words.   
"Rachel!" He hissed, though a grin graced his face as well.  
"You know, the train ride back to Manhattan's really long, so I just invited him to stay over." Rachel explained as her roommate mock gasped at her.   
Oh, Rachel Berry, I am scandalised!" He giggled as she punched him in the arm. 

"Well, I just... I seized the moment." She settled down at the table and Kurt sat opposite her, blowing over the top of his fresh cup of tea. "I really, I like him, and I'm tired of second-guessing something that feels so right."  
He nodded, he understood, he'd felt that was with Blaine once upon a time. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, as long as you're happy." He shot her a pointed look and she rolled her eyes with a chuckle. "And I have a white noise machine, I guess I'm happy, too." He smiled, he did genuinely like Brody, and he thought it was a good thing for Rachel to venture out there after everything that happened with Finn.

"How are you? How was your first week?" She asked, glancing at him over the rim of her cup.   
"It was good, you know, a little lonely, but I was thinking to meet people, I would join the show choir called the 'Adam's Apples'-"  
"Oh, no, no, no, no. No!"  
He shook his head a little, confused. 'No?' He mouthed.   
"Listen to me, there is a VERY rigid performing arts hierarchy at NYADA, and show choir is, like, it's the lowest of the low. It's beneath stage managers and carpenters. That is social and career suicide." Rachel explained. 

"But at McKinley..." He muttered, his plans to meet friends already being dragged down the drain away from him.  
"We're not at McKinley anymore." Rachel argued. "And we're done being underdogs; if you want to join a club, just do anything BUT the Adam's Apples. That's what all the future chorus kids do. If you do show choir in college, all right, you might as well be doomed to a life of playing a dancing teapot at Disneyland."  
Kurt sighed, taking a sip of his tea. Rachel knew what she was talking about, she knew how to make herself seen and rise to the top. He should listen to her advice, he knew he should.   
  
\------------

He huffed, looking back over the poster board the next day. But his eyes found their way back to the Adam's Apples once again. Show Choir, the New Directions, had saved his life. He'd been so depressed before he'd joined the Glee Club. He'd been at a really dark point - nothing compared to now, but it was the worst he'd felt at that time and he'd been ready to end it all - and Glee had saved him, even if the others didn't seem to realise that.   
"You're thinking about signing up, aren't you?" Oh god, it was the cute guy from yesterday he'd kept noticing as he went through his day.   
"Oh, uh, maybe." He muttered, quickly dragging his attention back tot he poster. Rachel's words rung in his head, but he was mostly confused. He'd convinced himself that this guy only smiled at him because he didn't pay too much attention to how awful Kurt looked. But now? This guy had SPOKEN to him, that was less of a mistake, right? "I... You are...?"

"Adam, a senior and founder and fearless leader of the Adam's Apples, the group you are VERY seriously considering joining." And there was that smile again.   
His eyes quickly flitted between the poster board and the charming British boy, who apparently, lead the Adam's Apples. Career suicide... "I'm Kurt. Kurt Hummel."  
"Your Winter Showcase performance was breathtaking." Adam smiled at him and Kurt felt the breath leave his lungs. Oh god, no, run away Adam, don't get too close, I'll ruin you and make you feel awful just like Blaine... "But now you're here, and you're wondering where you fit in and how can college be so much like high school, and you want to join my group, but you're aware it's a step backwards, and no, I'm not a mind-reader, I'm just astute, like you." Adam continued before Kurt could even put his thoughts in order. "We need you; we want you."

Come on, Hummel, get your brain to work... "Well, I'm very impressed you said all that in one breath, but I don't think I'll be joining." He quickly turned and began walking away. He didn't want to spoil a guy like Adam, he wasn't even focusing on Rachel's words at this point. Clearly Adam had gotten confused somewhere to find himself even a tiny bit attracted to him, nobody would ever find him attractive. Oh god, maybe it was a prank?  
"Man, a hard sell." Adam followed him, and Kurt found it more and more difficult to keep his barriers up. "I respect that, but I'm not willing to go down without a fight; come hear us sing." They both stopped walking and Kurt stared at this boy, this handsome, cute boy. So unaware of the issues Kurt was going through, not knowing that he hadn't managed to eat any food in weeks, months. That he had fresh cuts trailing all over his arms and body. That he hardly slept at night, kept awake by his never ending thoughts running rampant in his mind. Ignorant tot he fact that Kurt broke everything and everyone he came into contact with, that Adam should run away and never look back, because his eyes must have been deceiving him, playing tricks on him. "No strings attached. No secret time-share condo Ponzi scheme. Just our voices and your ears."  
  
\------------

"I present to you the Adam's Apples." Adam smiled to him, surrounded on the stage by the group of singers.   
Kurt sat in the stalls, fidgeting slightly. He didn't know what to expect in all honesty, after being sung to for so many years he doubted it could be much different. Oh, how wrong he was.  
Baby got fucking back. Acapella. He couldn't help but laugh as they sang to him, and once they were done he had to clap for them.   
Adam looked at him, waiting for an answer to the unasked question. Kurt paused and let out a sigh.  
  
\------------

"Okay, so Brody said he's gonna meet me at the library to go downtown." Rachel told him, her arm in his as they walked. "Do you want to come?"  
"No, no, thanks; I don't want to be a haggy third wheel on your guys's date." Kurt replied, rolling his eyes.   
"Come on, you won't be." Rachel told him, but the look he gave her told her not to lie to him. "All right, you know what I can't wait for? I can't wait for you to find the new man of your dreams."  
"Mm." Kurt mumbled, looking to the floor.   
"And then me, you, him, and Brody can all go on double-dates together, and it'll be so much fun." Rachel smiled. Kurt shrugged a little. "I really feel like it's gonna happen soon."

Wishful thinking... something he didn't really let himself indulge into anymore. "Actually, there is someone that I have my eye on..."   
"Oh, my God. Who? Is it Raul Esparza?" She asked excitedly, too late for him to realise he might have been jumping the gun a bit.   
"No, I wish, cuz that would be great." He smirked. "No, he goes to school with us, but, I don't know, lately things have been happening, and... I'm just gonna try and figure out if he likes me."  
"Ok, well how have you guys been getting along? Tell me about some of the times you've hung out." Rachel told him.   
Too far down the rabbit hole now to stop he guessed.   
  
\------------  
  
"Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?" Adam asked, seeing what Kurt was reading.   
"Hi, uh... it's for the Tennessee Williams Play-Reading Club." Kurt responded, smiling a little.   
"You'd make a fantastic Brick. Kind of look like a young Paul Newman."   
Kurt felt his cheeks flush and looked back down to his book.   
  
\------------

"Hey, Kurt. Nice plié." Adam smiled, walking over to the bar when Kurt was practising his dance moves for Cassie's class.  
"Oh..." Kurt smiled a little, looking down. "Hi, again. Uh, no. Uh, my ex-boyfriend was more of the dancer in... in our relationship." He muttered, looking down to the floor. A relationship he'd ruined, just like he'd ruin this one-  
"Let's try this again. Hey, Kurt. Nice plié." And there was that smile.   
"Thank you."  
"You're welcome."  
  
\------------

"Oh, my God, he is TOTALLY crushing on you!" Rachel beamed at him. "What's his name?"  
"I-I don't want to jinx it, okay?" Kurt sighed. "I mean, he's 22, sophisticated, handsome..." Way out of my league...  
"Great!" Rachel smiled, but she could tell her best friend was already talking himself out of it.   
"Just not what he wants... to be with me."

"Oh, God, Kurt, you are a catch, okay?" Rachel told him, sternly. She knew he had some self-esteem issues, heck he had since the whole Karofski, having to go to Dalton thing, but she would have thought he'd know by now that people did actually find him attractive. But she should have known with how he'd been acting recently that something was on his mind, maybe she'd missed the fact that he didn't feel attractive anymore. Well, she could fix that. "And now that, you know, things with you and Blaine are good, and you're finally over the breakup, I think it's really time for you to put yourself out there, you know?" She let go of his arm, having to rush off to go find Brody. "Hey, look, if this guy doesn't want to ask you out, then you ask him out, okay? I promise you, it'll be worth the risk." She told him sternly at his unsure look. "There's nothing like being in love in New York!"

"Love? Already?" He questioned, stuffing his hands into his pockets.   
"What can I say? Things move fast here. It's not like high school." She called back to him.   
"Says the girl who almost got married before graduation." He rolled his eyes.   
"Seize the moment! Do it! It'll be worth it!"   
  
He sighed and watched her go, shaking his head a little.   
He began walking through the grounds at NYADA. Rachel had Brody, maybe she knew what she was talking about after all? Apart from himself being a catch, obviously. But Adam did seem to like him... It was all so confusing, the past few years of his life, specifically the past couple months had shown him he wasn't a catch, he was the opposite. It had shown him how lucky he was to have someone like Blaine. He didn't deserve someone else, right...?  
His phone began to ring.   
  
"Hey, Seb, what's up?" He asked, bringing the phone to his ear.   
"Hey, princess, am I not allowed to check in on you after your first week at NYADA?" Sebastian asked back.   
Kurt smiled a little. "Sorry, I probably should have updated you before now."   
"Not as if I've been waiting next to the phone for you." Sebastian drolled, making them both laugh.   
"Shut up, Smythe." He chuckled. "My first week was... ok."  
  
"Doesn't sound good." Sebastian replied. "Wanna talk about it?"  
Kurt sighed. "Well, everything's just like high school, sorta threw me out of the loop a little."  
"What about Rachel? Has she been looking after you?" Sebastian asked, sitting down on his bed and kicking his lacrosse shoes off. He tried not to sound protective, but somewhere along the line of hanging out with Kurt in New York and messaging and calling all the time, he'd grown more and more worried, especially when Kurt bounced around the subjects that were difficult. And Sebastian could tell that this was one of those times, something was bothering the other boy.  
  
"She's in love with Brody, I'm not going to make her hang out with me instead of him." He chuckled.   
Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Sure, but have you made any other friends yet?"  
"Who says I need other friends?" Kurt muttered. "I have Rachel at the loft, and I've got Niff's numbers and you know, me and you talk often-"  
"Over the phone, Kurt." Sebastian told him. How could the other boy not get this? "We both know you get into your own head when left to your own devices."  
Kurt paused a moment, looking down at the floor as he walked.   
  
"You know what I mean, I didn't..." Sebastian sighed. "Look, we ALL get into our own heads when we're alone for too long, that's one of the reasons I actually like Dalton, even if I want to be alone a lot of the time, there's people around in case I feel like hanging out, ya know?"  
Kurt sighed. "Yeah, yeah, I know. I did look into some clubs, and there's a show choir here that seems really fun..."  
"Why not go for it?"  
"Rachel explained that it's a huge step backwards, show choir's good in school but... for college? It's basically career suicide."  
"And since when do you let people tell you what to do, Hummel?" Sebastian chuckled, and he knew Kurt was rolling his eyes. "Come on, seriously, that's not the bitchy boy I met in school. Where's the one that used to tell me to shove off any chance he got?"  
  
"He's still here, but now I have to focus on getting myself out there..." Kurt mumbled, but the other boy could tell he felt down about not being able to join the club.   
Sebastian ran a hand through his hair, laying back. "Ok, answer me this, if you found out choir in school would negatively effect your application to NYADA, would you have stopped?"  
"...No..."  
"No, and if you found out that a director would be confused and not like that you were in a choir during college, would you turn around and say thank you and leave?"  
"...No."  
"Right, and would you give the best performance you could and blow them away by being like the only countertenor any of us know and MAKE them give you the part purely with your attitude and your sass and your talent?"  
"...Yes."  
  
"Well, there you go then, you have your answer." Sebastian grinned.   
"I hate you."  
"No you don't."  
Kurt sighed, running a hand through his hair. "How do you manage to do that? I've spent a week confused and not knowing what to do, and suddenly it's all sorted."  
"Because despite the fact that we're totally not friends and we used to hate each other, I seem to have more faith in you than you do in yourself." Sebastian smirked. "You know when I move to New York, you're gonna have to keep up with me like you used to, no more moping around."  
  
Kurt rolled his eyes and huffed. "I do NOT mope around, thank you very much."  
"Uh-huh, sure. So what you doing now?" Sebastian asked, laying on his stomach now.   
"Well... Rachel suggested I go talk to someone..."  
"What about?" His brows furrowed, 'someone' could be anyone, a therapist? Best option in his opinion... A tutor? A friend?   
"Oh, well, don't laugh because I don't know how it happened either but... there's a guy who's sorta been flirting with me..."  
"Oh..."  
  
"Yeah, I mean, I don't get it either, at first I thought he was just not really looking at me properly or anything, but then he started talking to me all the time, and we've talked quite a bit, and... I don't know, he seems to ACTUALLY like me..." He trailed off. "So Rachel suggested talking to him about it. I mean, seen as Blaine's not really on my mind that much anymore, I guess it couldn't hurt but-"  
He paused as the line went dead. He looked to his phone, the call had ended.   
His brows crinkled and he pulled up Sebastian's number once again, but it only rung once before it said he wasn't available.   
Maybe... maybe he was busy? Yeah, that had to be it. Or he'd done something wrong? But what had he said to annoy the other boy? Sebastian was used to his rambling by now- oh, god, maybe he'd rambled too much, maybe Sebastian was annoyed with him and had just gotten sick of him complaining constantly.   
  
After all, they'd only become closer because they enjoyed teasing each other, right? Sebastian must hate him for being so annoying and clingy... oh god...  
He resigned himself to trying again later, maybe the other boy just needed some time? So he decided to job back to the main area of the campus, and headed upstairs to the dance studios.   
He stopped at the doorway, spotting Adam. He froze, watching the boy warming up. He couldn't do this, could he?   
Before he could second guess himself, or spiral down into a new pit of depression to add to the canyon that had already made itself at home in his heart, he pushed himself forward, walking over to the other boy.   
  
Adam beamed at him, and Kurt felt a flutter in his chest, a tightening in his lungs. "Oh, hey, Kurt, I was just thinking about you." He smiled that smile and Kurt stared at him, debating whether he should do this or not. "Thoughts on a Sondheim super mash-up? Like epic to the power of epic, we'll all probably die while singing it. You in?"  
"I'm in." Kurt smiled, putting his horrible thoughts to one side for later when he could properly take them out on himself. Adam smiled and began packing his stuff up. "Hey, Adam..."  
The British boy looked to him, waiting for what he had to say. "I was wondering..." They stared at each other for a moment, a thousand thoughts flew through his head, Blaine, Sebastian, everything that had gone wrong. Everything that WOULD go wrong... "Would you ever want to get a drink or... or a coffee sometime?"

"Yeah, that'd be great." Adam grinned, and Kurt let himself smile a little, trying not to let the shock show on his face.   
"Great. Here, let me give you my... number." He pulled out a bit of paper from his bag and a pen and jotted down his number, handing it over to the other boy and trying not to freak out when Adam's hand brushed his.   
"I'll call you." Adam smiled, watching the other boy's blue eyes. He turned and left, and Kurt took a deep breath, watching him go.   
"Ok..." He mumbled, smiling as Adam glanced back at him. 


	15. Bare/Second Best

Sebastian was conflicted. He knew that much, what he didn't know, or rather, understand, is why he was so annoyed by Kurt liking a guy. Maybe he was worried another Blaine situation would happen? Maybe he was just being overprotective of his new... not friend.   
He ignored his phone when it rang again, cancelling the call and running a hand through his hair before getting changed from his lacrosse uniform.   
  
When he'd come back, he hadn't gotten any new calls, and he didn't know whether to feel disappointed or relieved.   
He sighed, laying down on his bed and staring at the ceiling for a moment. He didn't understand why he felt a tight clasp in his chest or that anger boil and his jaw clench when he heard Kurt talk about a guy. He was just worried, that had to be it.   
"Hey, Seb." Nick walked in, looking worried.   
Sebastian glanced to him, and upon seeing his look, sat up fully. "What? What's happened?"  
"We have an issue with the Warblers..." Nick muttered. "You might wanna come to the choir room."  
  
They both headed there, Hunter wasn't there but the police was. A lot of parents and staff were around as well, and Sebastian glanced to Nick and Jeff as they stood with their parents.   
His parents weren't there, being busy of course, but he was glad they weren't when he heard what was happening.   
"Right, now you're all here." One of the officers stepped forward and a few Warblers shared looks. "You're all getting tested for performance enhancing drugs, we'll need everyone to stay in this room and we'll be testing one at a time."  
"On what grounds?" One of the boys asked.   
  
"There is evidence against the Dalton Academy Warblers sent in from an anonymous source, Hunter Clarington has been put under temporary arrest when it was found that he blackmailed other students into joining him in using the drugs. We need to test the rest of you and take statements from everyone to see who knew, who was involved and who was forced into it." The officer explained. "We'll go in alphabetical order, my colleague will be staying here to make sure none of you leave, and she will be taking statements once I'm done with you."  
Sebastian looked around, noticing Trent was also missing. He didn't know what was going on, but he really wasn't in the mood for this.  
  
\------------

Dalton Academy had never had its reputation smeared quite like this.   
Tarnished and disgraced, just for the sake of five Warblers. Five Warblers out of over twenty. It was a shit-show. Parents outraged, the school board was in the shit and he didn't want to think about who was losing their jobs over this. Hunter had seemed like a decent guy, but going behind multiple Warblers backs just for the sake of winning a competition by forcing the 'weaker Warblers' into taking drugs with threat of being kicked from the team if they didn't? Sebastian was fuming, he should have known what was going on.   
  
He also wanted to know who the hell would tell the police that the ENTIRE team was doing drugs without actual proof. They were now banned from competing over a couple of members fucking it up for the rest of them.   
But all thoughts of hate and anger disappeared when his gaze caught the eye of his father. Refilled with dread, he stood, walking over and nodding a little to his father and step-mother.   
"Get in the car." Was all the man said, before he turned back to the officer he had been talking to to finish off whatever he wanted to talk about. A state-attorney? Probably legally trying to keep Sebastian out of the papers when he had no right to be included in any articles or news anyway since he wasn't one of the ones using fucking drugs. But he didn't need to get himself in more trouble by trying to explain anything, he simply nodded and headed to the car.   
  
It had been a while, and his phone rung in his pocket while he waited for his parents to return. He glanced at the screen, Kurt. Not feeling like talking at the moment, and his anger renewed at the reminder of his feelings toward the Kurt situation and now this? He didn't want to deal with the other boy right now.   
His father closed the door a little too hard when he entered the car and gripped the wheel, and Sebastian quickly placed his phone back in his pocket.   
  
His dad could be a scary man, that's what the people he dealt with saw, a straight-laced, down to the point, scary guy who knew how to get what he wanted.   
Sebastian knew better, he was a good father, strict yes, absent? A lot of the time. Nurturing? Hell no. But he was supportive of his children, he loved Sebastian's step-mother, and he tried his best to be there for his children when they really needed him. He fought for his children's futures when he could, and he understood a lot more than people thought.   
But in this situation? Sebastian knew he was pissed. He chose to stay quiet until spoken to.   
"I find it hard to believe, that you didn't know any of this was happening." His father finally spoke, watching his son in the mirror.   
Sebastian swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. Unsure whether to answer or not, but his father continued.   
  
"We hosted the Clarington's at our house, you were close friends with that Hunter kid. The one who forced your group to do DRUGS." He gripped the wheel more, and Sebastian was worried hi might rip it off. "Your test results were clean."  
Sebastian nodded a little, his brows furrowing as he broke eye contact with his father. He knew the older man respected men who could act like men, eye contact was a big part of that, but whenever his father got angry like this? He couldn't bring himself to do it.   
"I have had to work WONDERS keeping this from the news. not only have I removed your name, photograph and testimony from any news outlets over the past few hours, I have ALSO attempted to save some of your friends from the pages as well." He explained, but even though the things he'd done could save some of the Warblers and their futures - some had already lost their scholarships and places into colleges over this - Sebastian still felt that his father was disappointed in him. "I wasn't so lucky when your sister was having her struggles."   
  
Sebastian nodded a little, picking at a loose thread on his jeans. He hated it when people talked about Leila, about her past problems. He instantly felt like crying when people bought it up. He also knew his father tried to keep a close eye on him when he would go out to bars a lot, kept an eye on his spending as well, just in case the same thing happened to himself, or - god forbid - his younger sister, Collen.   
"I didn't do this just to cover my ass, you know." He turned to look at Sebastian properly now, and the boy couldn't tear his eyes from his jeans. "It was for YOU. And your friends. Who I KNOW have looked after you over the past couple years. Do you understand?"  
  
"Yes, sir..." Sebastian mumbled.  
"Look at me."  
Sebastian dragged his eyes up, meeting his father's eyes.   
"I am glad you had the sense to say no, and I am glad you didn't get yourself into the situation some of the others in your group did. But I hope you realise this won't all go away so quickly?" His voice was still stern, but Sebastian could tell in between the cracks of his words, it was his way of caring.   
Sebastian nodded. "Yes, sir."  
"Good. I will be working with the board at the school to try and keep this as far from the press - anymore than it already has been shown - as possible. I will also be having talks with the school that sent in this slander, they should have done more research before accusing all of you of taking fucking DRUGS."  
  
"Who was it...?" Sebastian asked quietly, scared his father might be angry if he spoke up now.   
His father huffed, shaking his head a little. "McKinley High School."   
Sebastian ground his teeth, that anger from before kicking in once again.   
"I am a states ATTORNEY, Sebastian. I have a reputation to uphold, do you understand?" His father continued.   
He nodded. "I do."  
As if reading his mind, his step-mother finally spoke. "Don't worry, Sebastian, this won't effect your college options. But some of the other boys aren't so lucky."  
  
He looked down. "I know... I'm sorry."  
"Don't apologise, son." His father sighed. "We know you did nothing wrong, but I want you to be honest, and tell us if you knew ANYTHING about this."  
"I didn't, sir, I swear." Sebastian told him, completely honestly. He couldn't believe this had happened, his friends losing their futures over something they weren't even involved with. Thankfully, despite his father being terrifying sometimes, he was an attorney. He could make this go away - even though he shouldn't have to. Some of his friends didn't have that luxury. But it hurt knowing his parents thought he was capable of being in on this. It made sense they were worried, Leila had been a shock to everyone and they had become more protective of their children after they found out, but Sebastian had given them a lot of reasons to trust him, despite being reckless sometimes, he wouldn't do drugs.   
His father watched him for a moment, before nodding and turning back round, starting the car. "You're coming home for the weekend with us, give everything a chance to settle at Dalton."  
  
\------------

Kurt was stuck in his thoughts that morning, that was for sure, so when Brody padded along the floor and sat down next to him, at first he didn't really think any different. He was too focused on the fact that for the past couple days, Sebastian hadn't answered calls or texts. So he'd resigned himself to not trying, the other boy would message him if something was happening, right?   
But when he glanced up to say hi to the other boy, his eyes went wide and he struggled to think of words as Rachel came out of her section of the loft.   
"Good morning." She greeted them both, ignoring Kurt's look.  
"Hi." Brody smiled, completely casual.   
She finally clocked onto her best friends look. "What?"  
  
"Your boyfriend's bare ass is on one of my vintage flea market chairs!" Kurt told her, though it should have been obvious.   
"Hey, I'm not ashamed of my body." Brody shrugged, eating his cereal. Oh, he had a point to make. Kurt tried not to roll his eyes. "And I wanted to show Rachel that I support her choice completely."  
"Thank you." Rachel smiled at him, stealing a kiss. The way she said it made it sound like everyone should totally be on board with whatever she was planning now. "I was cast in a student art film, and I'm going to be doing a topless scene in it."

"No, you're not." Kurt argued, he shouldn't need to tell her why that was a bad idea.   
"Rachel looks smoking." Brody shrugged. Kurt had gotten along with Brody up until now, heck the boy even knew about his... issues, but he had to draw a line somewhere. He couldn't believe he would try to convince hiss girlfriend this was a good idea.   
"Rachel is a serious actress, Brody." He reminded him. He remembered himself, Rachel and Mercedes all saying at a sleepover that they would never do nudity until they'd been in at least five productions, and even then, it had to be professional, and a big time company. "She doesn't do nudity." He turned his gaze back to his best friend as she poured herself a cup of coffee. 

"Look, as performers, that's a question that we're all gonna have to face." Rachel shrugged a little.   
"If you want to win an Oscar, you have to show your boobs." Brody added, and Kurt couldn't help but roll his eyes, frustrated that neither of them could see the issues with this. "Kate Winslet, Jennifer Connelly, Kathy Bates-"  
"I don't get it." Kurt interrupted him. He was all for his best friend being in productions, in getting her name out there. But this was insane, and he cared about her too much to not say something. "A year ago, you were all plaid skirts, and, 'do you think Finn likes me?' and now, you're Slutty Barbie, asking Misogynist Ken to move in with you, doing pornos." He shook his head. "What's happening to you?"

"I'm growing up, Kurt." Rachel snapped, shrugging and glaring at him. And it stung. "Maybe you should try it, too." He clenched his jaw, anger and hurt settling itself in his bones as he tried not to start a full blown argument. Rachel had managed to achieve her goal of shutting him up, but she couldn't see just how much her words affected him, as she continued ranting. "And it's not a porno. It's a good movie. I'm gonna do it, with or without your support."  
He ignored Brody's now worried look as he pushed himself up from the table, not saying anything else as he stormed out of the kitchen area, heading straight for the bathroom.   
"Kurt, wait-" Brody tried to stand and follow him, but Rachel wrapped a hand round his arm.   
"Don't, leave him to sulk... this is my decision." She told him, and Kurt found himself slamming the door behind him at her words.   
  
Anger was building up inside him, and he ground his teeth, trying to calm down.   
He locked the door and turned on the shower before gripping his razor and sliding down to the floor next to the tub, bringing the weapon to his shoulder, bringing it to the flesh and ripping through his skin, blood dripping quickly down his arm in angry blobs.   
He sighed in relief, closing his eyes and tilting his head back. He HAD grown up, he'd always been there for Rachel, supported her through everything, but as her best friend, he was also here to stop her from making mistakes, to help her see the light.   
  
Being nude for a student film was NOT the way to get her career off the ground. It was suicide.   
He dragged the razor across his skin once again, clenching his jaw. She wouldn't listen to him, and he knew that. So he pulled it across again, and again, and again until he felt some relief. His shoulder was a bloody mess, the red getting over his hands and he fumbled the razor, it fell to the floor with a dull tinging sound.   
He let out a shuddered breath, closing his eyes for a moment and running a hand through his hair. He looked to his phone as it pinged, quickly pulling it up to see if it was Sebastian after days of silence, but it was just Brody.   
  
'Brody - Rachel's gone to school. You better come out soon, I'm here for you. I'm sorry about before.'  
  
He huffed out an angry breath, not only would he have to go back out there and face Brody, knowing the other boy knew what he was doing in here, he still hadn't heard back from Sebastian.   
  
'Kurt - I'm fine, just having a shower. I'm not doing that every time I go to the bathroom.'  
  
He didn't care if the other boy didn't believe him, he didn't need looking after. He rang Sebastian's number once again, after not messaging or phoning him for almost 2 days. He just needed to talk to someone who made him feel better, and Sebastian somehow managed to do that.   
But there was no answer. Blood smeared across his screen as he tried again. No answer. Again. Straight through to voicemail.   
He grabbed the razor once again, bringing it to his chest and dragging out some angry, deep lines before he could even think not to. He needed release. And he found it as he rested back against the tub, closing his eyes for a moment. Just when things began to look a tiny bit better for him, multiple other things came along to drag him back down into his own despair, his own cycle of self-hate and bloodied hands.   
He thought about a quote from one of the books he'd picked up while shopping. 'And when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.'   
  
Now his thoughts cleared of the fog that had come over them, and he could get his eyes to focus once again, he picked his phone back up from where it had clattered to the floor. He made a group chat, and pressed 'call'.  
  
\------------

"Look, dude, I'm sorry." Brody told him when he got out of the bathroom, his hair wet and fresh clothes on. Brody apparently had also decided to put some clothes on. "I didn't think that was going to happen."  
He nodded a little, walking to the coffee machine and making himself one. "Not your fault, once Rachel gets stuck in her ways, it's hard to get her out of them." He held up a cup, asking if the other boy wanted a cup as well. Brody nodded a little.   
"Did you...?"  
Kurt sighed. "No, I didn't. I'm trying to figure things out without doing that." He lied, but Brody didn't need to know that.   
The other boy nodded, and thanked him when he handed him a mug.   
  
"Can I ask why you're so against Rachel doing the nude scene?" Brody asked, breaking the awkward silence.   
Kurt sighed. "Rachel is beautiful, she really is, and I take some credit, since I helped make her over. But... She is so talented. She doesn't NEED to take a role where nudity is essential. Tasteful nudity, in the FUTURE? Fine. Once she's established. Not when she can look back on this with regret, and what about her kids in the future?" He shook his head.   
"I get that." Brody nodded a little. "But some advice?"  
Kurt watched him carefully, but gave a tiny nod.   
"I get you don't feel that comfortable in your own skin, but..." He paused, obviously not knowing how to phrase what he was going to say. "I don't think you should be ashamed... about any of it."  
  
Kurt didn't say anything, he simply watched Brody as the boy shrugged and headed out of the loft, needing to go to class.   
Kurt didn't have classes that day, so he had all the time in the world to dwell in his own thoughts. And he decided to do just that.  
He headed out for a jog, which turned into a two hour run with hardly any breaks, before he came back up to the loft, collapsing on the sofa when he couldn't catch his breath. Once he finally managed to make his head stop swimming, he stood, heading dizzily to the bathroom and dropping in front of the toilet, forcing his fingers to the back of his throat and pushing until he felt the familiar lurch in his empty stomach.

\------------

He woke to a ringing and quickly sat up, his mind foggy and confused. His vision landed on his phone next to him and he picked it up. Santana... He forced himself to stand, catching himself on the sink as his legs shook. He blinked a few times, forcing himself to come back to reality.   
Answering the call, he pulled the phone to his ear. "Hello?"  
"Lady Hummel, finally!" Santana's voice came. "We're almost there, hope you've made that nice tea you made for me last time."  
"Of course, you know your way, see you soon." He pulled the phone away when he gagged again, his throat was raw and stinging and he definitely needed to brush his teeth, the taste of bile still lingered.   
"See ya soon." Santana told him and the phone line went dead.   
  
He got himself more presentable, grabbing a cardigan from his room and pulling it on to cover any proof that he'd spent the entire day letting his self-destructive tendencies take over.   
He made the tea, setting out three cups on the table and pouring the tea as he heard the large door slide open.   
"Afternoon, ladies." He smiled, placing the teapot down and folding his arms as he smiled at them.   
"Kurt!" Quinn came over, giving him a hug.   
Santana came over afterwards and wrapped him in a hug as well. And there was that look, the look he'd seen on coach Sylvester's face, on Finn's, Sebastian's and even Santana's last time she's seen him. He flashed her a bright smile.   
  
"Tea there for us all, have a seat." He told them, wrapping his arms around himself and sitting in one of the chairs, hoping that would stop the two girls eyes from roaming over his body as they had been doing. "So, how's college?" He smiled.   
They shared a glance, but took seats at the table. "Well, Yale has been fun, I miss seeing all you guys everyday though." Quinn smiled.   
"I don't really know what I'm doing at the moment." Santana shrugged. "Louisville is... interesting but I don't know if I see myself staying there."  
Kurt nodded, offering his understanding smile. "Well, you have to do what makes you happy."   
  
"How about you, Kurt?" Quinn asked with a careful smile. "How's NYADA?"  
Kurt nodded a little, taking a sip of his tea. "Well, classes are definitely more challenging, but a lot of fun. I joined the choir, despite Rachel telling me it was suicide." He rolled his eyes. "And I... may have met someone."  
They both sat up, excited at that. "Go on, what's he like?" Santana asked. And it felt similar to their sleepovers when they were all in Cheerios, they just needed Brittany here now.   
"Ok, well, he's British, blonde, tall." Kurt explained, before shrugging. "But I don't know where it's going yet, I think we're gonna take it slow."  
  
"Boring." Santana rolled her eyes.   
"After slutty Santa? I NEED a bit of boring." Kurt smirked in response.   
"Sorry, I must have missed something, you slept with a slutty Santa?" Quinn spoke up, dying to hear the gossip.   
Kurt shrugged a little. "Almost." He shared a look with Santana, who had promised to keep quiet, and her look said she was sticking to that.   
"How have you been, though?" Quinn asked, taking a hold of his hand across the table. "Are you doing ok?"  
He offered that same smile he'd been flashing at people for the past few months, small and fake, but reassuring. "I'm doing fine, it's a nightmare dealing with Rachel sometimes though, WHICH, is why I asked you both to come..."  
  
Santana rolled her eyes. "Really? What's Barbra doing now? Other than taking her hair extensions WAY out of control."  
"She has agreed to a student film that involved a nude scene." Kurt explained carefully, letting his disdain for the idea fill his words. "It's completely insane and I know you two can get through to her. She won't listen to me, she thinks I'm being bitter and resentful when I just want to make sure she doesn't do something she'll regret in a few months."  
Quinn nodded. "It's insane that she's actually thinking about doing that."   
"She's agreed to it already, we need to show her how bad an idea it is." Kurt told them. "I figured since you've told me you regretted your sex tape fiasco," he nodded to Santana. "And you've always been able to cut through Rachel's stubbornness," another nod to Quinn. "That you could both help me show her what she needs to see."  
  
"Of course we will, cutting Rachel down is one of my favourite pastimes." Santana smirked and the other two rolled their eyes.   
"I'm just happy you guys were actually free to help, I was worried you'd be busy with such short notice." Kurt sipped his tea.   
Quinn smiled. "I was waiting to use that ticket Rachel had gotten me, I just didn't know when. I wanted to catch up with you as well."  
He couldn't help but smile. "So, Rachel should be back soon..." he checked his phone. "She's become more diva-ish recently, so try not to slap some sense into her with anything but your words." He smirked. "I'm gonna hide out in my room."  
"You have always liked to be the catalyst for this stuff and then disappear into the shadows." Santana laughed. "Remember when Finn didn't know what to get her for Christmas?"  
  
They all laughed.   
"Well, I couldn't let him get her socks." He shook his head. "Then I would have had to of heard about it for MONTHS." He stood, taking their cups and placing them in the sink. "Ok, make yourselves comfortable, there's some take out menus in the cupboard over there, and who knows, if you convince her to stop being crazy tonight maybe we can all have a lounge based sleepover."  
"Even if she doesn't, I'm coming to get you out of that room myself." Santana laughed, but there was that worry still there as her eyes raked over him.   
He offered that smile again, though he felt uncomfortable, did he really look that bad...?  
"Have fun~" He called behind him as he grabbed a book from the lounge area and headed into his room, pulling the curtain across.   
  
\------------

He had his headphones over one ear as he read, so he could only hear hushed talking from the lounge, not able to make out any of the words but he could gather they were talking about him, with how quiet they were being. He tried to ignore it, and soon he heard the telltale sign of the door sliding open.  
"Kurt, the hipster from downstairs with the curlicue moustache wants to borrow your Russian hat." Rachel's voice came, swiftly followed by; "Oh, my God! What are you doing here?"  
He took his headphones off, sitting up against his headboard and listening in. 

"Lady Hummel called, begging us to do an emergency intervention." Santana answered.   
"On who?"  
"You."  
"You guys came all the way to New York just to talk to me because Kurt called you?" Rachel asked, and Kurt frowned a little. JUST because he called? She did realise he was friends with these people as well right?

"We're also here to shop." Santana answered, and Kurt could tell she'd done that casual shrug.  
"And we're here to apologise to Quinn for slapping her across the face very, very hard." Kurt raised a brow, he could tell there was some tension there, but he hadn't realised they'd been actually fighting.   
"In theory. We'll just see if that happens."  
"Rachel, you cannot do a nude scene."

Rachel tutted. "It's not a nude scene, it's just a topless scene."  
"Same thing."  
"Topless is as nude as anyone is ever gonna want to see you."  
Kurt chuckled to himself a little. "Let's say you do it. Think about the 2-2-2 rule. In two weeks, how are you gonna feel about the nude scene?"   
He nodded, this is what he'd been trying to explain to Rachel. It might seem ok at first, but going into the future?  
  
"You'd probably feel pretty great."  
"Yeah."  
"You'll get to feel a nice, cool breeze on them skeeter bites, you'll feel refreshed, even."  
"Then, how are you gonna feel about it two months from now?"  
"I don't know. Nervous? Worried it may not even be good?"

Kurt rolled his eyes, and Quinn voiced his thoughts. "Rachel, it's a student film. It's not gonna be good."  
"And two years from now? How you gonna feel about it then?"  
There was a pause, and Rachel finally answered. "Guilty. Just... hoping my kids won't ever see it online."

"Oh, they'll see it."  
"Mm-hmm."  
"And they will never be the same."  
"Okay, wait." Rachel interrupted them. "Why am... why am I even taking advice from you, okay? Didn't you have a sex tape that leaked online?"  
  
Kurt smirked a little, Rachel's point was just going to come back on her.   
"Yes, I did." Santana answered. "A sex tape that follows me around to this very day. Look my name up on the Internet right now."  
There was a pause where Rachel searched. "'Santana Lopez, nude, lez, boobies, sex tape, Mexican or Dominican, question mark'..."  
"Booyah. That will exist forever."  
"But Santana, some women find it empowering to be naked on film."

"Yes, but not in a student film that is probably about someone's grandma with Alzheimer's."  
Kurt smirked a little, shaking his head slightly. All the things he had wanted to try and explain to Rachel, except she would actually listen to the others.  
"Look... we care about you. And for once, Rachel, we actually have your best interests in mind."  
"Please don't do it."  
  
Rachel had gone into her room not long later, 'wanting to be alone', her music loud and drowning out any of the noises from the rest of the loft. Kurt had come back out into the main space.   
"So, safe to say she's a bit conflicted." He smiled, dusting off his Russian hat. "But thank you, I'm sure your words will get through to her eventually."  
"She'll see what we mean as soon as she's under all those cameras that she doesn't want to do this." Santana shrugged.   
"Well, I'm gonna take this hat down to the neighbour, wanna grab a take away menu and some popcorn from the cupboard and we can sit down and watch a movie?" He asked, heading to the door.   
"Sounds good." Quinn smiled.   
  
He headed out, coming back not long later to find Rachel back in the room with them. She glared at him over her shoulder before turning back to the TV.   
"Hello, traitor." She called behind her to him.   
He sighed, dropping his arms at his sides. "I'm just trying to look out for you, Rachel-"  
"You should know I can make my own decisions by now." She folded her arms, still not looking at him and he clenched his fists at his sides, digging his nails into his palms.   
"Rachel, I support you through a LOT of crazy things, and I know you are mature enough to know what you want to do. But you have to realise how bad this idea is-"  
  
"I don't need your opinion on this, Kurt." She turned to face him and he clenched his jaw. "Your support means a lot to me, but even if I don't have it, I'm still going to do what I think is right."  
The other two shared glances as Rachel turned her back to him, folding her arms again and watching the TV.   
He nodded a little, not looking at any of them. "Enjoy your movie." He muttered, turning and heading into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and turning on the shower to block out any noise. His breathing hightened, air not making it to his lungs.   
  
He usually had anxiety attacks when he was stressed and upset, but sometimes there came the angry attacks. Where he was so agitated with nowhere to put that aggression that he would just break down and end up hurting himself for it.   
"Kurt...?" Quinn asked, knocking lightly on the door. "You ok?"  
"Fine." He called out, his voice clipped and jagged but he made it sound as strong and indifferent as he could. "Just... having a shower."  
"Ok... let me know if you need anything."   
"Ok." He called out, waiting until he heard her leave before he got into the tub, curling up under the boiling stream of water that hit his head and back as he gripped her hair.   
  
He tried to breathe, to pull air into his lungs, and after a long time, he wasn't sure how long exactly, he managed to calm himself down. His palms were bloody from where his cut into them with his nails, and his scalp hurt from gripping his hair.   
He licked at his bottom lip, iron was strong on the tip of his tongue and he pulled his fingers to his lip, looking at the red that was there when he pulled them back.   
Shaking, he looked around for his phone. He got out of the shower, shivering from the cold and ringing Sebastian's number.  
No answer...   
He knew it was useless, but tried again. This time it rang the full length instead of being cut off... maybe he was busy?   
  
He phoned Adam's number.   
"Hey, Kurt! How's it going?" Adam answered after a couple rings.  
He let out a tiny sigh of relief. He sometimes forgot how calming it was to just chat with someone when he was feeling like this. "Hey, Adam... I know it's late, but... Would you want to get coffee?"  
"Yeah, yeah of course..." He sounded worried. "As long as it's decaf." He chuckled.  
Kurt smiled. "There's that-that little coffee shop on campus right?"  
"Yeah, I can meet you there in an hour? I know it takes a while to get from Bushwick."   
"That's fine, I'll see you soon." Kurt hung up and pulled some clean clothes on, making sure they covered his arms.   
  
He headed back out into the main room, ignoring everyone's eyes on him as he went into his room for a scarf and came back out. He then headed into the kitchen area, grabbing his long jacket and heading to the door.  
"Hey, Kurt, where you going?" Santana asked, finally speaking up.   
"Meeting up with Adam. Have a good night." He nodded to them, opening the door.  
"You need company?" Quinn asked. Kurt looked to the two girls, Rachel still kept her back to him, and their faces said everything, to say they were worried was an understatement.   
  
He just flashed that smile. "I'm fine, enjoy your movie." He nodded and left the loft, closing the door behind him and taking a second to breathe before heading down into the crisp New York night.   
He headed to the subway, pulling his phone out again, ready for the long ride before he could see Adam.   
  
\------------

Adam had helped him feel better about the whole thing, and once he'd left, Kurt decided to retire to the club he'd found himself a frequent member of.   
After a long night - and morning - of drinking and trying to forget everything as that soft buzz settled in his mind, he'd headed home, collapsing on the sofa and falling asleep.   
A couple hours later he woke to the sound of the loft door opening. He rubbed his eyes, pushing himself up and turning to face the three girls as they entered.   
"Hey, Kurt..." Rachel smiled, looking sheepish.   
He nodded a little. "Morning..."  
"Afternoon, more like." Santana smirked.   
  
He pushed himself from the sofa and turned to them all again, waiting to see where this would go. Rachel walked over and hugged him and he sighed into the embrace, hugging her back.   
"You were right, Kurt... I'm sorry, I should have known doing a nude scene wasn't right, not for this part in my career." She pulled back and smiled a little. "Thank you... I hate fighting with you."  
"I'm sure it wont be our last fight." He smirked. "So, what's the plan for today?"  
"Well, we were planning on adventuring round New York since Rachel doesn't have any classes today." Quinn explained. "You're welcome to join us."  
"Shopping? I'm in." He chuckled. "I do have a dance class in..." He checked his phone. "Oof, an hour and a half, and I have Vogue tonight, but I can meet you guys after my class until I have to go?"  
  
"Sure, message us when you're ready and we'll let you know where we are." Santana smiled.   
"Sounds good, now I should probably get ready for class before Cassie comes here to find me herself." He chuckled.   
Rachel laughed. "You really need to tell me how you got on her good side..."  
"That's a secret even I don't know the answer to." He chuckled. "Go on, enjoy your day, I'll catch up with you later."  
They each gave him a hug before flitting off to their fun day out and he headed to his room to get ready for dance class.   
  
Honestly, he was getting sick of wearing long sleeves to his classes, and he dreaded how much hotter it would be in summer, it was already too warm now, but he wasn't about to just bare his scars and marks for everyone to see, there was no way he'd be ready for that, regardless of what Brody had said about not being ashamed. It was easy for the other boy to say, perfect abs and muscles and tanned skin. He shook his head, pulling on his hoody over the top of his leotard and pulling his duffel bag over his shoulder. He nodded to himself in the mirror and headed out to the subway.   
  
\------------  
  
"Look at her." Kurt muttered to Adam, showing him the video of his 'best friend' in class earlier that day. "This class is supposed to be Free Sing... for everyone... but Rachel hadn't stopped screeching like a third-rate Maria Callas since the bell rang."  
Adam chuckled. "She enjoys being in the spotlight, like we all do."   
Kurt sighed, sitting back in his chair and folding his arms around his coffee cup. "Because I'm her best friend, I can say this... Rachel's always been a little insufferable, but ever since she won the Winter Showcase? Her ego and behaviour are out of control."  
Adam chuckled again at Kurt's over dramatic ways. 

"At home she uses up all the hot water, leaves rings in the tub, and don't get me started on the hair extensions clogging the sink!" He exclaimed, hoping the other boy could see how annoyed he was getting with his roommate.   
"Everyone gets sick of the people they live with every so often, Kurt." Adam shrugged.   
"I know that, but it's not just home, it's everything." He sighed. "I love Rachel, but the past few weeks she's... I mean, you remember last week right?"  
"You mean when I got a confusing late night phone call from you asking me to meet you for coffee without an explanation?"  
"The very one. Rachel sometimes gets blinded by her ambition but sometimes? Sometimes she just turns into a brat. I'm all for being a diva, hell I coin the term on a daily basis, but I don't stop being kind to my friends, I don't stop caring about everyone else."  
  
"You don't have a selfish bone in your body, Kurt." Adam smiled, placing a tentative hand atop the other boys. "And I admire that about you. Rachel cares for you guys, I really think she does, but I think sometimes she gets in her own way and pushes everyone away from her without meaning to."  
"She expects me to wait on her 24/7." He blanched, letting Adam weave his hand into his.   
"Ok, well the constant being mean to you - mostly because I don't understand how anyone would WANT to be mean to you, is unacceptable."  
Kurt rolled his eyes. "At school she eschews my company and instead surrounds herself with easily awed sycophants."  
  
"Ok, yeah, I don't like those guys, I did hear them talking the other day." Adam nodded. "There's always people like that in college, they stick to the highest stars because they're scared they don't have the talent.  
Kurt chuckled. "You should have heard them earlier. 'Oh, my God, Rachel! BroadwayWorld.com is saying that the long-rumoured revival of 'Funny Girl' is finally happening this season. You have to audition!'" He mimicked their overly enthusiastic voices and Adam laughed. "Yes, but Rachel's response? 'I couldn't. Okay, there is only one Fanny Brice, and that is the Ms Barbra Streisand'."  
"I thought she's always wanted to play Fanny?" Adam asked, taking a sip of his drink.   
"Oh she has, and she does, sometimes she gets to the point where her arrogance gets too big and she tries to feign modesty and lack of talent JUST so people will give her compliments." He explained.   
  
Adam shook his head a little, smiling. "I'm sure you're over exaggerating."  
Kurt offered him a 'really?' look. "'But you're Barbra's heir apparent'. And the LOOK she gave them both! I KNOW that look, I've been dealing with Rachel Berry since day one, I know way too much about her and if I was anyone other than myself and if my moral compass wasn't in overdrive, I would have taken her down a peg or two by now simply with my words. And some video proof." He shrugged and Adam laughed again. "On some level, I always knew this would happen... that, as Rachel's star rose, so, too, would her pri madonna-like tendencies." He almost made the other boy choke on his coffee. "Yes, it's become clear to me: This Sarah Brightman in training needs to be knocked down a few pegs, and I'm the only one who can do it."  
  
"We just established, you don't do rumours and shit-spreading." Adam reminded him. "How are you going to knock her down?"  
Kurt smirked, finishing his coffee. "Just wait and see." He stood, ready to head to his next class.   
Adam offered to walk him there and they set off.   
  
\------------

Once again, with as little sleep as he was getting anyway, he really didn't need to be woken up even earlier than usual by his supposed best friend screeching through the loft.  
"Oh, hey, you're awake." Rachel greeted him as she came into the kitchen area. He glared at her, still dressed in his robe and pouring himself a LOT of coffee.   
"An hour before my alarm clock." He grumbled, but as usual she decided to be ignorant to how he was feeling.   
"Oh, while you're in there, can you make me a little tea, please, with some honey and lemon? You know, it's really good for my throat." She told him, he hadn't been joking when he told Adam he felt like a waiter. 

Well, now was the last straw. He may have been feeling down a LOT for the past months, almost a year now, but enough was enough. He didn't need to stop sticking up for himself. He was Kurt Fucking Hummel, and he needed to remind himself of that fact. He threw the teaspoon down onto the counter. "Sure, I'll just run down to the store and get you some."  
Rachel stared at him. "I'll take that as a no." He nodded a little, turning back to his coffee as she stormed over. "An incredibly rude no that deserves an explanation."  
He turned to her, not backing down this time. "Okay, Rachel, truth time. You have been a nightmare ever since the Winter Showcase."

She nodded, as if knowing something he didn't. "I knew it... it was only a matter of time before you became jealous of all of my success." She folded her arms. "And just when we were getting inseparable."  
Kurt offered his best bitch glare. "Oh... we became close because YOU became TOLERABLE, but now you've got that weird naked boyfriend and that weird Legion of Sycophants. Now you are like,  
you're like an annoying, self-righteous Lima Rachel on steroids!" He told her straight, and he didn't regret it once he heard what she had to say.   
"You know what? Let me give you a little bit of truth, Kurt." She told him sternly, getting into his face - as much as her short height let her. "Okay, the only reason why Carmen Tibideaux even let you sing at the Winter Showcase was because she knew that you and I were friends."

He scoffed, putting his coffee down and towering over her. He may hate himself, but he wouldn't let her try and make him feel small when he KNEW he had been trying to make himself better since getting into NYADA. "You might have won the showcase, but my performance was the one that everyone was talking about because I blew. You. Away." He shrugged. "And I can do it again. Midnight Madness... you and me, head-to-head."  
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, babe." Rachel told him, as if already knowing she would beat him. In usual circumstances over the past months, Kurt would have known it too, he wouldn't have even challenged her. But with everything recently? Rachel's behaviour, Sebastian still not talking to him, the things he was getting called at NYADA from Rachel's new 'friends'? He'd had enough, and all the anger he'd been feeling, all the frustration, it had all made itself into a boiling point, and even if he KNEW he would lose this challenge? He couldn't stop himself from finally speaking his mind. 

"Oh, why not?" He asked, condescending and patronising with a tilt of his head. Rachel looked a bit taken back at that. Yes Kurt Hummel had always known how to be a bitch, a fabulous one at that, even if recently he hadn't and Rachel had gotten used to him letting her push him around, and taking all her shit as it came, he clearly needed to remind her that he could out-bitch her any day.  
"Cuz I already beat you once." Rachel countered. "Diva-Off sophomore year. Remember?"  
"Only because I threw it." He countered, and the loft went silent for a moment as Rachel stared at him. "That high F in "Defying Gravity"? I can hit that baby in my sleep. I tanked the note on purpose."

"Okay, why would you do that?" Rachel asked, all venom gone from her voice now.   
"Cuz I didn't want to win." He shrugged. "I wanted to save my dad the embarrassment of having his son sing a song written for a woman."  
She stared at him for another moment. "I don't believe you. Take that back."  
"I can't... it's truth time." He shrugged casually. 

"That was my first big win! That was the foundation that I built all of my confidence on for the past two years!" She shouted.   
"Aww, consider it cracked." He smirked, picking up his cup of coffee. "Get ready for Diva-Off Part Two, and this time I'm not throwing ANYTHING. Enjoy your tea." And with that he walked past her, into his room and closed the curtain.   
  
\------------  
  
"I can't believe you stood up to her." Adam shook his head as they walked down the corridor. "Gotta say, it's nice to see you like this."  
Kurt smiled a little, it was nice walking hand in hand with the other boy. He'd forgotten what it felt like to hold his head high, to not let peoples words get to him, or at least pretend they didn't, to feel even the tiniest slither of confidence in himself. Of course, he knew it wouldn't last long, the shit he'd gone through wouldn't just disappear because he'd caught a glimpse at his old self. But if he could get himself back to feeling that way? If he could slowly build himself up? Maybe he COULD feel normal again. Go a day without these thoughts, without the razor and the vomit and the self-hate. Adam was definitely helping him with that. He smiled at the other boy, squeezing his hand a little. "I felt a bit bad about it, but at the end of the day sometimes Rachel needs a hit of reality. Back in the day I used to be the best one to give it her. But it does feel good to let myself be confident for once."  
  
"I wish you felt confident all the time." Adam smiled. "You should know you're more than people say you are."  
Kurt nodded. "I know. I just need reminding of that sometimes I guess."  
Adam smiled. "If I was bullied as bad as you were at that school of yours I'm sure I'd feel the same." He rubbed his thumb over the back of Kurt's hand.   
"Yeah, well, I'm not at school anymore, I'm here, I'm older and wiser and I just need to remind myself that I can be strong and confident too." He smiled as they came to a stop.  
"That's one of the reasons I like you." They both smiled at each other, before they heard a voice down the corridor. 

"We all heard about Taylor the Latte Boy challenging you, and... it's a joke."   
He glanced to the source of the voices, Rachel with her sycophants.   
"Like those outfits of his?" The other boy added onto the firsts words.   
Adam shot him a worried look, he didn't know every detail of what happened at McKinley, but he knew enough to know Kurt got bullied, and very bad. But Kurt steeled himself, his jaw set as he listened to the two boys words. 

"Now, everyone knows the only reason Hummel got in is 'cause he's Carmen's pet turtle-face."   
Kurt didn't realise he'd been holding Adam's hand so tightly as he listened to them, especially with what they had to say next. "And signing up for Adam's Apples? He might as well wear a sign around his neck that says, 'I am pathetic, please club me to death'."  
Kurt ground his teeth, he didn't mind what people had to say about him, he was used to it, and he often thought the exact same about himself, but Adam's Apples was a great group of individuals who were funny and actually good friends to him, especially Adam. He was never one to not stick up for other people, even if he didn't always do the same for himself. So he headed over before Adam could stop him.   
  
"Kurt earned his place here at NYADA same as you two." Rachel mumbled after a pause to think of what to say. At least she tried to stand up for him, he felt a little better about that. He knew she was still herself underneath it all after all, same as him with how he'd been feeling recently. He was still himself, it'd just take a lot more digging for him than it would for her.   
"Excuse me?" One of the boys asked, and Kurt folded his arms behind the two.   
"It's okay, Rachel. I've dealt with a lot worse than bitchy gossip." He shrugged as the two turned to look at him. Rachel was looking down at the floor, she knew what he'd been through. She knew all the shit he had to put up with at school. He was one hundred percent right, he'd been through a LOT worse. "However I got here, the point is, I'm here. And me, my outfits, and my turtle-face aren't going anywhere."

"We'll see about that at Midnight Madness." One of the boys muttered, before they both scurried off.   
Rachel glanced up to Kurt, who was watching the boys leave. He looked to her, before nodding and heading back to Adam, walking away with him hand-in-hand. He knew she'd come around eventually, she always did. And she hadn't immediately jumped in on the bitching with the boys. But it still hurt. Their words would have rolled right off of him years ago, before he became this. Before he let this stuff slip through the cracks, get under his skin until he couldn't tell if they were other peoples words or his own thoughts.   
"I'm proud of you." Adam smiled at him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Kurt smiled a little. "You ok?"  
  
He nodded. "I'm always ok." He lead them away to Adam's next class, since he didn't have any more classes that afternoon, he'd probably just practice his dancing for a bit.   
They began chatting as they walked, but some part of his mind was still on the bullying, words mixing from school and college and tutors, his friends and family. He tried to shrug it off, but that chip in his shoulder was still there, all his effort to remove the lump in his throat, was for nothing. Because at the end of the day, as the years went by, things effected him more and more.   
The hate, the betrayal, the constant picking and picking at him until he became who he was now, a husk, a broken, shaking, WHISPER of what he once was.   
Sometimes there was glimpses of the old him, like now, but he could feel that part of him quickly being dragged back. Replaced by the void, the empty pit he felt himself constantly falling into. He wondered what a field day some physiologist would have with him and his twisted thoughts. Not that he thought he needed one, of course. He was careful, even if he hated himself, his self-hurt could hurt others, and he didn't want that.   
  
\------------  
  
"Right over there. Guys, gather some chairs up. Make a semicircle." Brody told the students that had gathered around. Once everything was set up, he headed to the front of the room. "Ok, we have five minutes. Welcome to Midnight Madness. We all know the rules. One song at a time, two singers per song. If you go flat, you lose. Now, the playing space has been split into two. One side per competitor." He explained as everyone nodded along. "After the song, I will give you the signal, and you stand with whoever you think won. Majority rules. The group's decision is final. No appeal. No mercy, and only silent applause." Kurt caught Rachel's look, but turned back to listen to Brody. "This is not a performance. This is a blood sport. First up: Rachel Berry versus Kurt Hummel. Now, the song you will be competing with is..." He put his hand into a hat, pulling out a random piece of paper. "'Bring Him Home', from 'Les Miz'." Brody turned to them. The look of adoration he held for Rachel and the worry in his glance for Kurt.  
If Kurt lost this, everyone would constantly throw horrible words his way, would constantly give him abuse. And Brody knew about his 'coping mechanisms'. "You guys know it?"  
  
"Mm-hmm." Rachel nodded.   
"Per Midnight Madness protocol, since Kurt challenged Rachel, he will be going first."  
Kurt stepped to the front, staring out at the people, but he shut that off. He shut off the light and the looks and the fear, and he entered that place in his mind. Where he could access the pain, his connection to this song, he focused on that. He focused on how it made him feel. And soon, he was done, and he looked out to the silent applause as everyone shook their hands.   
Rachel looked nervous, but took her place at the front as he walked over to one side, giving her her turn.   
"Thank you." She smiled once she was done, and Brody came back to the front. 

"Okay, make your choice." He told everyone, who all stood and began moving around. Kurt tried not to look at the people who were voting, he didn't want to know how badly he'd lost... "All right." Brody's voice bought him back to reality and he looked to the other boy, waiting for him to announce Rachel the winner. "And the winner by the closest margin in Midnight Madness history... is Mr Kurt Hummel!"   
Kurt froze, staring at everyone, confused. He glanced at Rachel, who just looked down. He looked back to everyone's silent applause and smiled a little.   
  
\------------  
  
"I've been singing the 'Les Mis' score since I was in second grade. Literally the entire score. It was just dumb luck that that was the song that got chosen." Kurt shook his head, stood next to one of the long windows with Adam. He'd not been able to sleep all night, he felt awful, Rachel won everything, there was no way he should have won.   
I know you feel conflicted about winning, but you won because you're an incredible singer." Adam reminded him, but he could see the self-doubt in the other boys eyes, a glimpse behind the wall he constantly kept around himself. And in all honesty, that look killed him, it worried him, made him blood turn to ice in his veins. Because there was something in that look that told him, showed him, Kurt didn't give the tiniest bit of care to himself, he hated himself. And that scared Adam. But he would be there to help Kurt feel like he had the day before, confident again, fearless, bitchy, funny, wonderful. The Kurt he found himself... loving, in some ways. He knew it was too soon, so he just told himself he liked him a lot, and that was enough for now. 

"Oh, my God, Kurt!" The two boys that had been following Rachel around like little puppy-dogs rushed over. All smiles and adoration. "Everyone is buzzing about your triumph at Midnight Madness."  
"Not since Judy played the Palace, they're saying!" The other added.   
"A bunch of us are signing up for the "Funny Girl" open call, then getting rush tickets to see 'Mamma Mia!'. You have to come with!"  
Kurt glanced to Adam, who saw that same boy from yesterday pop up. He smirked, letting Kurt step forward to give these ignorant, arrogant picks a piece of his mind.  
"I don't think so." Kurt told them, folding an arm over his chest in his signature pose. "I think you both are shallow and obnoxious. And I think the only reason why you run around kissing everyone's ass is because you know you'll never make it on your own." Their faces fell, but he wasn't done. "And another thing. If you say one more nasty thing about Adam's Apples, I will challenge you to the next Midnight Madness, and we all know how that ends."  
  
The two rushed off without another word and Kurt smiled, turning to Adam, seeing the adoration in his eyes. "That's very impressive." He smiled, and Kurt flushed. His face fell however when he spotted Rachel down the corridor.   
"Um, give me a second." He nodded to the British boy, rushing over to his friend. "Hey, Rachel. I don't know if you heard, but apparently the revival of "Funny Girl" is having open auditions. Do you want to go with me...?" His smile dropped when Rachel looked to him, all self-pity and pain.   
"You should try out, Kurt." She told him, nodding slightly. "You'd be an amazing Fanny Brice." She walked away and Adam walked over to him, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze.   
  
He knew how it went. Rachel became self-centred, unbearable, she got taken down a peg, she wallowed in self-pity for a while, she felt sorry for herself, and then she bounced back to bearable Rachel. It happened every time, and Kurt just knew it would be a matter of time before they were ok again, but maybe there WAS something he could do to speed up the process...  
  
\------------  
  
He pulled her curtain across, folding his arms. "Shiva is officially over. You have an audition for 'Funny Girl' three weeks from today." He told her, walking into the room. "I went down to the open call  
and got us the last slots."  
"I'm not trying out." Rachel mumbled, fiddling with her pillow.   
"Why, because I won Midnight Madness?" He sighed. "Rachel, it doesn't mean anything... it just means that we're even. You won with an Elphaba song, I won with a Jean Valjean song." He shrugged. He knew what it was like to feel sorry for himself, he knew what it was to hate himself. He understood to some degree, but Rachel was only feeling this way because someone else had beaten her in a singing contest, not because she actually hated herself. He knew she felt bad for how she'd been acting, he didn't doubt that, but she wouldn't last long in this rut, he guaranteed unlike himself, she would be able to bounce back as quickly as she'd fallen. He wished he could do the same. "None of which changes the fact that "Funny Girl" is your favourite musical, and that you were born to play Fanny Brice. This is a once-in-a lifetime opportunity."

"Let's say by some crazy extraordinary chance I get it. Then what? I become even more of a diva nightmare than I already am now?" She shrugged, looking back down to the pillow on her lap. "I can't handle the pressures of stardom, not without losing my best friend and making every single person hate me." She shrugged. "So I'm not going to try out."  
Kurt sighed. "You are a diva, and you have been a nightmare, but you're not a diva because you've been a nightmare." He explained, he knew what it was to be a diva, and he knew you didn't have to tear other people down to be one. "You're a diva because you're talented and ambitious and because no one else in the world can do what you, Rachel Berry, can do. That's what being a diva's all about. Being an original, one-of-a-kind. So hold the nightmare, but bring the diva." He smirked. "You don't need any of that, your work speaks for itself." 

"I love you." She told him, hugging him. "I'm sorry. I hate fighting with you."  
"Eh, a little cat fight is good for friends. You know, keeps the relationship fresh." He chuckled.   
She laughed a little. "Wanna order Chinese food and watch TV?" She asked.   
"Of course I do." He smirked.   
"I should have known," She stood, hooking her arm in his. "If there's anyone I should take diva advice from, it's one Mr Kurt Hummel."  
They both laughed.   
  
\------------  
  
They were catching up, sat on the sofa watching random rom-coms on TV, when the door opened.   
"Santana?" He asked, sitting up.   
"What are you doing here?" Rachel added, having been woken up from snoozing on her best friends shoulder when the door opened.   
Santana smiled at them, shrugging a little and pulling her suitcase in. "Moving in."   
The two shared a look before looking back to the other girl. 


	16. Weddings and Old Habbits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't do NSFW, but there is like a classy, subtle scene revolving around sex, but no explicit details, no actual sex, only implied.

Sebastian had had a shit week, something he'd had plenty of times in the past. The Warblers were in pieces, unable to perform and disgraced in the show choir community. His friends, kicked from their scholarships and college places for something they didn't even KNOW was happening.   
His family treating him like he would either explode or rush off to do drugs any second. He was glad to go back to school, simply to get away from them all, plus to see how all his friends were coping. They all seemed in better spirits than he thought they would be, but safe to say, the majority were pissed. And for good reason. A few individuals had ruined it for the rest of them, not caring about the effect it would have. 

He didn't blame Trent for stepping forward, in fact he respected the boy. Everyone in the Warbler's welcomed him back with open arms, not angry with him for what he'd done.   
In fact, nobody seemed angry about what had happened. Dismayed, upset and wounded, of course. But angry? No, it seemed Sebastian was the only one pissed at the whole situation. He knew that it didn't have to happen this way, that police didn't have to come to Dalton, that rumours didn't have to spread all through the school, and Westerville.  
  
He'd been getting calls all week from various people, which he all ignored, knowing it would just be people asking questions and he knew in this case, not answering those calls and saying nothing at all to anyone that asked was the best way forward. He'd studied law since he was a kid after all.   
  
He tried not to think about it as he headed to Lima Bean that afternoon. He was also very aware of the fact that a couple of those calls had been from a certain boy in New York, that was probably very confused by now. But Sebastian couldn't bring himself to not be bothered at the moment, besides, Kurt had someone else he could talk to if need be.  
He paused as he parked outside the coffee shop, wondering were that thought had come from. He didn't own Kurt, he was barely even that close to him. He had no clue why he'd just thought that, but he guessed it was a good point. Kurt had that guy now, he didn't need Sebastian phoning him all the time.   
  
He headed into the shop, pulling out his wallet and standing in line when someone very familiar caught his distracted attention.   
"Hey, Sebastian!" Blaine smiled at him, and Sebastian felt the anger he'd been feeling all week boil up. The New Directions had been the ones to tell the school board of the incident. He'd been trying to push down his nerves at it since he found out, before he lashed out at someone, but now? Seeing Blaine Anderson, ex boyfriend of Kurt Hummel, cheater, liar, and now ruiner of the Warblers? Shooting him that same smile he'd seen countless times, a failed attempt to smother people with his preppy, over-excited attitude and personality vacuum that made everyone he'd met in his life swoon over him? Like NOTHING was wrong?  
Blaine's smile soon fell when Sebastian didn't answer, clenching onto his wallet tighter as his jaw tightened, his hand curled into a fist. He didn't know where it had come from, but it felt good.  
  
\------------

"Hello?" Kurt answered the Skype call, chopping vegetables for a smoothie for Rachel to try when she got back from school.  
"Hey, Kurt."   
"Blaine?" He smiled, turning to the screen before gasping. "Oh my god, Blaine, what happened to your face?!"   
Blaine chuckled. "Is it that noticable?"  
"If it's this noticable through Skype, I dread to think how bad it is in person..." Kurt muttered, his brows furrowing. "What happened?"  
  
"Why don't you tell me?" Blaine replied, and there was that hint to his tone that made Kurt want to flinch.   
"W-what do you mean?" He asked, completely confused. "How should I know?"  
Blaine huffed out an un-amused laugh. "Well, let's see, um, Sebastian came up to me and punched me, and a couple months ago he was the one shouting at me because he somehow found out I'd cheated on you."  
"Wait, you think I'M talking to Sebastian? About personal things?" Kurt paused for a second, at this point he was completely baffled about the situation, Sebastian hadn't spoken to him for almost two weeks. "And you, what, you think I sent him to HIT you?"  
  
Blaine sighed. "No, Kurt, I don't think you made him hit me, but I don't understand how he found out about what happened between me and you, and THEN about how the New Directions got their spot back." He watched for Kurt's reply.   
The countertenor just stared at him for a moment, cogs turning in his head. "I haven't told Sebastian ANYTHING. Why would I?" He found himself somewhat annoyed that Blaine was accusing him of backstabbing and bitching behind his back, spreading gossip.   
"I don't know, Kurt!" Blaine shrugged, over exaggerated. "I don't know, but it's just a weird coincidence."  
  
Kurt frowned, brows knitting together as he watched the bow-tie wearing boy on the screen.  
Blaine paused for a second. "Look, I know we've got the wedding this weekend, and I don't want to argue with you, not after we've finally patched everything up..."  
Kurt nodded. "I don't want to either-"  
"But I just want to know, fully honest, if you've told him anything."  
Kurt sighed. "Blaine, I promise, I have NOT been talking to Sebastian Smythe, ok?"  
  
Blaine nodded, smiling now. "Ok, I trust you."   
"Thank you..." Kurt muttered. He tutted. "I bet you haven't used any aloe vera on that, have you?"  
Blaine chuckled. "Well, I was hoping you'd either give me advice on how to make it go down quicker, or that you'd find it oddly attractive." He smirked, offering Kurt a wink.  
Kurt flushed and scoffed on a laugh. "You're crazy." He shook his head a little. "Go get some pure aloe vera gel, and maybe some cocoa butter - but you have to be sparing with that since it's very oil based - and it should go down a bit quicker, and hopefully it'll lessen the pain a bit."  
Blaine smiled, letting out a happy sigh. "Thank you, Kurt. Look, I have to go, but I'll see you this weekend, yeah?"   
  
Kurt nodded with a smile. "Yeah, I'll see you later."  
"Love you."  
"L...Love-love you too..." The line went dead, and he bit his lip, closing his laptop and staring at the table for a moment. He hadn't meant to say that, but why had Blaine said it first? They were just getting back to normal, well, how they'd been before they started dating, friendly, comfortable. It might have been a mistake, but Blaine seemed like he'd meant to say it. Kurt felt the skin of his lip give way under his teeth and put a finger to his lip, seeing the red that sat there.   
  
He sighed, wiping at his lip with his sleeve. At least he'd worn red today.   
Blaine had accused him of talking to Sebastian, of TELLING Sebastian private things. He'd flirted with him, winked, told him he loved him when he said goodbye... He didn't know what to think of this situation, he had to see Blaine this weekend, he'd have to talk to the other boy and act normal when his thoughts had completely started to spiral.   
Rachel opened the door. "Ooo, are we making smoothies again?" She asked, smiling.   
"Oh, yes, I was waiting for you, did you want blueberries in yours?" He asked, jumping up and plastering a smile on his lips.   
  
She smiled, coming over after she'd put her jacket down. "Of course. Oh, Kurt, you're bleeding a little." She told him, wiping at his lip with her thumb.   
"Oh!" He grabbed some kitchen towel and dabbed at his lip. "Must have been nibbling on it again." He chuckled.   
She rolled her eyes and went to get changed.   
He sighed, throwing away the paper once it had stopped bleeding, trying not to think about the whole Blaine situation.   
  
\------------

"I'll have a smoothie to go if they're still up for grabs!" Santana called from the lounge area and Kurt chuckled.   
"You know, you could help me make them!" He shouted back. "What fruit do you want?"  
"Surprise me~"  
Rachel rolled her eyes, folding her arms. "How long is she going to stay here?" She whispered.  
He raised a brow. "I don't know, but she's harmless."  
  
"So, Santana, what are your plans today?" Rachel asked, overly polite.  
Santana shrugged. "Thought I'd catch up on some shows."  
Rachel turned back to Kurt. "I think she wants to stay, indefinitely."  
"So? What's wrong with that?" He whispered.   
"Kurt! We're roommates, ok, we don't need a third person coming in here, there's not exactly a lot of privacy as it is."  
"I'll say, the stuff you and Brody get up to haunt my nightmares." Kurt muttered.   
  
"I'm serious, ok? What happens if one of us falls out with her?" Rachel sighed.   
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Rachel, Santana needs a friend right now, ok? We're not going to kick her out on the street."  
Rachel stared at him for a moment, but relented, nodding a little. "You're right, sorry, I was being selfish again."  
"You just want me all to myself." Kurt joked, smirking as she punched him in the arm.   
  
"So, I'll be heading to Ohio tomorrow morning, you guys are staying for another night, right?" Santana asked as they walked over.   
"Yeah, Brody wants a night to ourselves to say goodbye." Rachel smiled, sitting down with her smoothie.   
Kurt rolled his eyes as he perched next to Santana. "And thank god I'm seeing Adam tomorrow night so I don't have to hear you both say goodbye."  
Rachel threw a cushion at him and Kurt laughed. "You're so mean!"  
"Yep." Kurt smirked, putting the cushion back down. "You guys wanna have a movie night?"  
"I need to go grab some stuff from town, but I can join you both after?" Rachel answered.  
  
"Why didn't you just shop while you were in town?" Santana asked.   
Rachel rolled her eyes. "I meant Bushwick, I actually managed to find a sheet music store, so I thought I'd go get some stuff for my collection."  
"Fine, have fun, Berry." Santana shrugged as she began looking through the DVD collection.   
Rachel left, shouting a quick 'BYE!' behind her and the other two settled in for a movie night.   
  
\------------  
  
Rachel smirked when she came to the lounge later on.   
"Shh, He's actually asleep." Santana whispered.   
Kurt had fallen asleep against the cheerleader, his head on her shoulder as he slept peacefully for once.   
"This is adorable." Rachel quietly squealed, pulling her phone out and taking a picture.   
Santana rolled her eyes. "Shut up and watch the film."   
  
\------------

"So, we have a choice, between," Kurt held up the DVD's he'd found at Adam's that he'd like to watch with the other boy. "Tangled, Rocky Horror, or..." He picked up the third film. "Fellowship of the Ring." He smiled, shimmying his shoulders a little while Adam decided.   
"Such a mix of genres there." Adam laughed while he finished ordering some food. "How about we start with Rocky Horror? I know it's one of your favourite musicals."  
Kurt smiled and popped the DVD in. "Rocky it is~"  
  
"Are you sure you don't want anything?" Adam asked.  
"Rachel already got us some food earlier, I'm sorry." He sat down next to the other boy, folding his legs under himself.   
Adam smiled. "Well, that was your last change to get any take away." He sent the order and picked up the remote, pausing the film. "So."  
"Oh no, I sense a talk coming." Kurt joked, but turned to face Adam, showing he was paying attention.   
  
Adam laughed, taking a hold of Kurt's hand and rubbing his thumb over his knuckles, a gesture he knew tended to relax the other boy when he started to feel anxious. He didn't know if Kurt know that he noticed how often his anxiety flared up, he didn't even know if Kurt had been diagnosed or not, but it was pretty obvious to him. "Nothing too serious, don't worry."  
Kurt nodded a little, but still looked worried.   
Kurt knew people thought Adam was a rebound, but he really didn't want him to be, he liked him, and he didn't want to mess up what they had so far, even if he wasn't too sure what that was. He had asked Adam if they could take it slow, he was a bit sensitive about guys betraying him after what Blaine had done, and he didn't want to rush into things and ruin it for the both of them. Adam had agreed, he didn't want to push Kurt too far too fast, and Kurt respected that. Adam wasn't a rebound for him. But he wasn't going to throw himself into a new relationship before he knew for sure that he wanted to be Adam's - or anyone else's - boyfriend.  
  
"So, I understand that you're going away for the weekend for the wedding." Adam began. "And... I know you'll be seeing your ex while you're there..."  
Kurt paused. "Not-not because of anything but the wedding-"  
"I know, relax." Adam smiled at him. "Ok, I know you got worried about hanging out with other guys when you were with him, don't worry." Kurt nodded a little and waited, worrying, for him to continue. "I know we're taking things slow, and I am ALL for that, I appreciate you telling me and being honest with me about your past relationship and I respect that you want to be cautious. And if old feelings come up with Blaine... I won't be angry or upset."  
  
Kurt paused, blinking a few times. "But I-"  
"I know you won't be the one initiating anything." Adam smiled. "Trust me, I won't mind if anything happens between you two. There's a lot of history there, and you've said before how persuasive he can be." He laughed a little.   
"But... I mean... us?" Kurt muttered, still confused.   
"We, are taking things slow, we are just finding our footing, and we haven't even agreed that we're properly dating. So, for now, I'm going to say that it's non-exclusive. For the time being, until we figure everything out."  
  
Kurt let his shoulders relax and smiled, hugging Adam. "I really like you..."  
"I really like you too, and we can talk about everything when you get back and see where we are." Adam smiled. "All I ask, is that if something DOES happen, just be honest and tell me, ok?"  
Kurt nodded. "Yeah, I will..."  
"Now, let's watch Rocky Horror!" Adam picked the remote up again.   
"I do really like you, Adam..." Kurt smiled, taking his hand again and resting his head on his shoulder. "And I don't want to ruin anything between us by going back to Blaine, but I promise I will tell you if anything happens.  
  
\------------

Kurt got home the next morning, waking Rachel and telling her to get ready, there flight would be in about four hours.   
"Do I have to?" Rachel groaned.  
Kurt laughed and threw a pillow at her. "Come on, diva!" He went into his room, double checking he'd packed everything he'd need, including his suit for the wedding. 

"Do you want some coffee?" Rachel called from the kitchen.   
"Sure!" He shouted back, going into the bathroom to grab his toothbrush and a razor - just in case. He put the items in his case and pulled it to the door, ready to go whenever Rachel was. He thanked her when she handed him his coffee.   
"Oh my god, Kurt!" Rachel touched a finger to his neck and at first he panicked, had he cut up there recently? Had she seen? "Is that a hicky?!"   
Kurt froze, his eyes going wide. "Well..."  
  
"Did you and Adam finally...?"  
"No! No, we're taking it slow." He reminded her. "It was just a little fun." He shrugged. "We were talking about stuff and we have an agreement about this weekend."  
Rachel smirked, knowingly. "So, you and Blaine meeting up before the wedding?"  
He rolled his eyes. "Hopefully not... I'm glad we're friends again, but I like how it's going with Adam, and Blaine's sorta been a bit flirty recently and I know in person my resolve is gonna be a lot worse..."  
"Did Adam say it was ok?" Rachel asked, sipping her coffee.   
  
"Well, yeah, but-"  
"So, something may happen or it may not, just see how it goes when we get there, ok?" She stroked his arm. "I gotta finish packing, are you ready?"  
He smiled. "Of course I'm ready, I'll help you, come on."  
  
\------------

Kurt laughed as he immediately got pulled into a bear hug by his dad. "Dad, put me down!" He giggled.   
"Come on in, son." Burt chuckled, pulling him through into the lounge, where he earned a half-arsed cheer of greeting from Finn, Noah and Sam. "Carole, Kurt's here!" He shouted upstairs.   
Kurt rolled his eyes, plonking himself in his usual seat. "It's just me, not like the queens visiting."  
"Isn't it?" Puck asked, focusing back on his game.   
"Haha, so funny I almost forgot to laugh." Kurt replied, sarcasm dripping in his words.   
  
Carole came down and hugged him, offering to make everyone some drinks. They all sat around and caught up, and the doorbell rang.   
"Whose that?" Kurt asked.   
"Probably Blaine, why don't you go get it?" Burt asked, distracted with his phone.   
Kurt rolled his eyes, getting up and heading to the door. "Hey, Blaine." He smiled when he opened the door.  
The younger boy smiled up at him. "Hi, Kurt!" He stepped forward, brushing his lips over Kurt's cheek before stepping back. "Wow, you look great!"  
  
Kurt stared at him for a moment. "Oh, thank you, come-come on in." He stepped back, making room for the other boy to actually come inside.   
Blaine followed him through to the lounge and they sat down.   
"So, dude, how's New York?" Puck asked, still distracted with the game he was playing with Sam.   
"It's good, NYADA's fun." Kurt shrugged a little.  
  
"The girls hot?"   
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Yes, Noah, the girls are attractive."  
"You found anyone cute?" Finn asked next and Kurt sighed.   
"If you have I'm gonna have to have my 'dad talk'." Burt grumbled and Kurt chuckled.   
Everyone's eyes were on him and he deflated into the sofa a little. "Maybe." He glanced at Blaine, seeing the other boy looking annoyed.   
  
"Wait, what?" Sam asked, putting down the controller.   
"What do you mean 'maybe'?" Burt asked, suddenly interested.   
Kurt rolled his eyes again. "I'm an adult, guys, I can make my own decisions." At least they had the decency to look somewhat sheepish at him calling them out like usual. The men in his life tended to be overprotective of him and it seemed it hadn't changed since he'd been away. "We're taking it slow. Nothing's set in stone, we're keeping it open."  
  
"What's his name?" Burt asked.  
"Adam." Kurt smiled a little. "But like I said, we're just taking it slow at the moment."  
"Tell that to the hickey, dude." Puck spoke up as he continued playing his game.   
Kurt froze, deciding it was better to leave this situation before any more questions about his love life was sent his way while his ex was sat there.   
"Hickey?" Burt sat up, sounding angry.   
  
"Ok, I'm going upstairs before you all make a lynch mob." He told them, brushing out his trousers and grabbing his suitcase.   
Carole was laughing at the others expressions as Kurt headed upstairs. Blaine soon followed. Kurt turned to close his door, jumping when he saw his ex-boyfriend stood in the doorway.   
"God, Blaine... you scared me." He sighed.   
"Sorry." Blaine smiled. "So, how was the flight?"  
Kurt nodded a little. "It wasn't bad, Rachel fell asleep on me." He perched on his bed. "Come in, if you want."   
  
Blaine smiled more then, "I have to go soon, but we can chat until I do." He closed the door behind him and Kurt was confused. "So... how does it feel to be back?"   
"Well, I always love coming home, and seeing everyone." Kurt shrugged a little. "Though New York is just... home now."  
Blaine nodded a little, sitting on the bed next to him.   
"How's glee?" Kurt asked, he didn't know why he felt awkward being around his ex at the moment.   
"It's good, yeah, we did a Sadie Hawkins dance and stuff." Blaine answered.  
  
"Sadie Hawkins? That must have been rough for you..."   
Blaine shrugged a little. "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."  
Kurt nodded. "Any spoilers for what songs are gonna be at the wedding?" He wiggled his brows a little.   
Blaine laughed. "Well, I know that Finn wanted him and Rachel to sing, and... he did have the idea of us two singing a duet."  
"Oh..."  
"Would that be ok?" The way Blaine looked at him...  
  
He smiled a little. "Yeah, it's just a song, right?"  
"Right." Blaine nodded. "Just a song..."  
They sat in comfortable silence for a moment.   
"How's your eye?" Kurt asked.  
"Oh, yeah, it's good, thanks for the tips." Blaine winked at him. "So, any other plans while you're here?"   
"Well, as much as I don't want to go back to Lima Bean because of the mouse situation, I do miss their coffee." He chuckled. "Other than that, I guess just... catching up with people."  
  
"Sounds fun." Blaine smiled. "So, um, and I'm not trying to make this weird, how come your... boyfriend didn't come?"  
Kurt picked at his fingers, shrugging a little. "We've agreed we're taking things slow for now and asking him to come to Ohio for a weekend at a wedding when he doesn't know anyone? We agreed I'd come alone."  
"So you don't have a date for the wedding?" Blaine seemed to perk up a little, a flirting tone playing on his voice.   
"Nope, full bachelor." He smirked. "I don't think people could keep up with my dancing anyway."  
They both laughed. "So, um, when-when you said you're 'keeping it open'?"  
  
Kurt shrugged a little, looking down, god how did the other boy always managed to break down his barriers. "We're non-exclusive, just seeing how it goes. I think we really like each other though." He nodded a little, looking up to Blaine to gauge his reaction.   
Blaine nodded. "Well, I'm happy you came back for the wedding. And, if you need a dance partner?" He stood, smiling at him. "You know where I am." He winked at the other boy. "Ok?"  
Kurt nodded a little, not really trusting his voice. He didn't know what was happening.  
"Come on, give me a hug, we shouldn't feel awkward around each other, we were best friends." Blaine smiled his dazzling smile and Kurt smiled a little, standing and letting Blaine hug him. 

He hadn't been hugged or really touched in a while, and the comfortable smell of his ex was nice.   
When he pulled back, Blaine kept him close, pressing the softest kiss to his lips before pulling away. "Bye Kurt, see you tomorrow." He smiled at the taller boy over his shoulder as he left the room.   
Kurt simply stood there, thoroughly confused.   
  
\------------

"Aren't you gonna put your book down and join in?" Finn asked Kurt.   
They were all sat in Finn's room, the three boys on the bed, still playing their games. Kurt was sat on Finn's little chair, his legs folded over the arm and the book he'd started reading on the plane in hand. He raised a brow to them. "This is what we always do. You have your over the top 'guy' talk and I let you rope me into playing video games when I can't concentrate on what I'm reading." He answered casually.   
  
Burt had kicked them all upstairs after a couple hours of hanging out, watching TV, etc. And they'd sat around for a while now, so it was about the usual time they tried to include him in their boyish ways. They all sent him a pointed look and he rolled his eyes, placing his book to one side, knowing he wouldn't be able to concentrate with them all talking at him. "What are we playing?" He stood, walking over and jumping up onto the large bed.   
"Assassins Creed." Sam answered.   
"Ooo, ok, I can get on board." Kurt smirked, letting Puck push the remote into his hands. "I need to make one of those jackets."  
The other boys laughed.   
  
Truth be told, they did all get along. Despite Kurt mostly hanging around the girls at school, on evenings the guys tended to come round to see Finn and he always got roped in with them. It was nice, and it made him feel like they did actually see him as one of the guys. He knew he was effeminate, and he got along with girls really well because he could beat them on bitchiness and style, and knew how to make people over, but just hanging out with the guys in his comfy clothes was always nice, especially when most people liked to tell him he was the 'girl in the relationship' when he was with Blaine, and the other boy didn't really dispute that. But the guys didn't talk like that when they all hung out together, they would just chat and play games and - in terms of 'sleepovers' - accidentally find themselves all sharing a bed. 

If anyone had asked Kurt - before glee happened - if he'd shared a bed with the jock that used to throw him in dumpsters and had had a cuddle pile with three guys from the football team, he'd have probably thought they were crazy. But there was a no ask, no tell rule, and after the first couple times it had happened, it just became normal. When everyone woke up, nobody would talk about it or act awkward, they'd just get up and get ready for the day.   
When he'd still lived there with Sam and Finn, if one or the other was feeling down Kurt would find a message from them on his phone and he'd go to their room, lay down with them and they'd both stare at the ceiling and chat about random shit. And when they woke up in the morning cuddling, the no ask no tell rule applied and they'd just go on with their day. It helped the guys feel better and Kurt appreciated that they didn't think that he'd abuse the situation just because he was gay like they would have once thought, or that he'd 'turn them gay' if he got too close. 

"You ever played this before? It can be tricky." Noah asked, but quickly shut up when Kurt knew exactly what he was doing.   
"You were saying?" He giggled, always loving seeing the other boys confused looks when he was actually good at the games. Most of the time he kicked their asses and he and Finn would have a lot of gaming nights so he had gotten even better over the years. He enjoyed games anyway, but again, like with reading and TV shows and films, gaming was something Blaine seemed to judge him for, as if Kurt wasn't the sort of person to enjoy playing video games.  
"You'd think you'd have learned by now, Puck, Kurt's better than all of us." Sam laughed.   
  
"Yeah, right, I still beat him on COD." Finn countered.  
"Only because I got bored of beating you, so I started trying to find glitches in the maps." Kurt laughed, still playing the game.   
Puck shook his head. "When did you become cool?"  
Kurt rolled his eyes at the other boy. "Become? I've always been cool~"  
They all laughed and continued playing.   
  
\------------  
  
The other two boys had gone a couple hours later, apparently having plans.   
So Kurt and Finn sat on his bed, chatting in their pyjamas.   
Kurt missed just chatting with his brother about random stuff, but he was waiting for the other boy to tell him what was wrong. "Ok, enough crap, what's going on?"  
Finn stared at him, but sighed. "I should have known you'd see through me..."  
"Always." Kurt smirked, shuffling round. "So, go on."  
  
Finn sighed. "I kissed Miss Pillsbury..." He muttered.   
Kurt stared at him for a moment. "Ok, walk me through it?"  
"Ok, well she kept freaking out about the wedding, and I just wanted to calm her down, but something happened, and-and I guess when I used to want to make Rachel relax I would just kiss her so she'd stop talking... So I kissed her, and I regretted it instantly, and I don't know why I did it!" Finn sighed, putting his head in his hands. "I don't know what to do..."  
Kurt nodded a little. "Look, Finn, you regretted it, right?"  
  
"Yeah, I shouldn't have done it, I mean she didn't kiss me back and it was just a tiny kiss, like nothing over the top-"  
"Right, so, I think... the best thing for you to do, and this is just me, is to just... forget it happened. She wants to marry Mr Shuester, you don't want to be with her, it was a slip up in the moment, a reflex." He shrugged a little.   
  
"How can you believe all that after what Blaine did to you...?" Finn mumbled.  
Kurt looked down a little, shrugging. "It hurt because he decided to do it, he went behind my back, and he CHOSE to do that to me. Miss Pillsbury didn't kiss you, and she didn't reciprocate, ok? She didn't want to hurt Mr Shue, and she didn't make you kiss her." He smiled a little. "I don't think was you did was ok, don't get me wrong, but I do think you understand it was a mistake, and you know you shouldn't have done it, and you didn't push it any further." He nodded a little. "So, feel some regret yes, but try not to focus on it, ok? She and Mr Shue are getting married, and if you tell Mr Shue it'll just get in the way of that, ok?"  
  
Finn smiled a little. "Yeah... yeah, ok."   
"And if you need a second opinion? I suggest phoning Rachel." He chuckled at Finn's face. "Look, I know you're not dating, and you don't like the fact that she's living with Brody... but... you guys love each other, and you're close enough to be friendly, and she does always seem to have a way of screwing your head on straight."  
Finn chuckled a little. "True... I'll phone her tomorrow. Thanks bro..."  
Kurt smirked a little. "Uh-huh."  
  
"We should probably try and sleep." Finn sighed, running a hand over his eyes.   
"Agreed, bags is NOT a good wedding look." He chuckled.   
Finn laughed. "Ok, we cuddling, or...?" He mumbled.   
Kurt shrugged, playing with his sleeves. "Up to you..."  
"Look, I don't know what you've been going through recently, but... I've sorta noticed how much you enjoyed Burt hugging you and Sam patting you on the shoulder and stuff... so, if you wanna cuddle?"  
  
Kurt sighed. "I guess I've just gone a while... without any kind of touch." He shrugged awkwardly.   
"Come on." Finn lay down, opening his arms. Kurt smiled a little, letting his brother hug him. It felt safe, just like old times. After they'd gotten over their arguing and Finn came to terms with the fact that Kurt had just been lonely and he didn't try to push anything with Finn, AND Finn agreed that in retrospect, Kurt hadn't been 'all over him' any more than most guys were with girls or girls with guys, and his brother hadn't had anywhere to put his affection, Finn always offered his brother a cuddle, completely platonic. It usually helped Kurt open up about what was bothering him as well, and it made Finn feel better in general. "This ok?"  
  
Kurt nodded a little, embarrassed. "Yeah..." He tried not to focus on the fact that any touch was making his skin tingle, he knew he was touch starved, but he hadn't realised how much... "Night, Finn..." He muttered.   
Finn tried not to worry too much, but when Kurt was feeling down, this is when he'd usually open up. But apparently he didn't want to talk, and that just made Finn worry more, along with his skinny the other boy felt... He shook his head a little, trying to ignore his thoughts, Kurt was a together person, he was strong and he would tell someone if something was wrong. "Night, little bro..."  
  
\------------

Kurt had woken up before Finn the next morning, and managed to sneak out of his room without waking him up.   
He retreated to his own room, pulling out his laptop and trying for half an hour to get a hold of Sebastian on Skype. He still wasn't answering messages or calls, and Kurt had tried to forget about it. But he couldn't let it go, especially with his mind already racing from the previous day. Blaine had kissed him, twice technically, and then his touch starvation had been a bit too much and he felt over-sensitive to any touch. And he knew Finn had been waiting for him to open up the night before, but he just couldn't. Things weren't the same anymore, he was used to having to go it alone now, and he didn't need to bother anyone else with his issues.   
  
Sebastian would always end up seeing when he was having a breakdown in some way, and Kurt hadn't realised just how many times he'd phoned the other boy when in the middle of a panic attack. It was just a reflex at this point, and then they could go back to their sassy quips like usual and forget that he'd had a break down.   
Finally, on the twelfth ring, the other boy answered and Kurt looked to the screen, not expecting an answer as he was staring off into space.   
"Hummel, look-"  
"What is WRONG with you?!" Kurt found himself saying.   
  
Sebastian shut up at that, biting his lip a little.   
"You hit Blaine?!" He began, apparently he was angry about a few things. And with almost a year of keeping everything in as much as possible, only letting it out in his own company? He was ready to explode. "You actually went up to him, and PUNCHED him?! Why the fuck would you do that?!"  
"He's the one that told the police that the Warbler's were doing drugs!" Sebastian interrupted.   
"Drugs?" Kurt asked, staring at his screen and waiting for an answer, still angry.   
  
"Literally like five Warbler's took drugs to enhance their performance, we've all gotten the blame for it from the press, kids have lost their scholarships for god sake-"  
"So you punched him? How do you even know it was him?" Kurt asked, folding his arms.   
Sebastian sighed. "My dad told me the claim came from McKinley, someone in the glee club, and I KNOW Anderson would do that."   
"So your first reaction was to hit him?! Not ASK him?"   
  
"I saw red, alright?" Sebastian sighed, looking down a little.   
"Not good enough." Kurt muttered angrily. "Not just that, I'm surprised you even ANSWERED the call. What did you get sick of ignoring me? Did you even think about the fact that I was worried? I thought you hated me, I thought I'd DONE something! I thought I had ruined our friendship like I've ruined a lot of others. You realise how worried I was? What if something had happened to you and I had NO idea?! You could have just messaged me if you hated me-"  
"I don't hate you, Kurt!" Sebastian told him honestly, looking completely guilty at Kurt's words. "I don't... I'm sorry, you're right..."  
Kurt clenched his jaw, blinking away his tears before they could even fall.   
  
"Why didn't you just message me?" He asked quietly, angrily pushing his sleeve across his eyes because he didn't need to cry in this situation. "You could have just told me you didn't want to be friends anymore..."  
"No, no, Hummel, seriously, stop..." Sebastian sighed. "Look, I don't know why I didn't message you, there's no excuse. There was a lot going on with everything, and I was just... annoyed I guess."  
"...About what?" Kurt muttered.   
  
Adam, whoever he was, Blaine, the ruins of the Warblers, everything... He still didn't understand why it annoyed him so much that Kurt had found Adam, but it had.   
"I don't know..." He sighed. "I guess... I guess I just got worried about you."  
Kurt stared at him for a moment. "You ignored me because you were worried about me?"  
"No, I just... When you said about that guy you liked, I was worried you'd found another Anderson." He shrugged, running a hand through his hair. "Despite the fact we're not friends, I DO get worried."  
  
There was a moment silence and Kurt rubbed his eyes. "If... I managed to find myself a guy, which I have, though... it's not exclusive and we're taking it slow, it's none of your business who that is. Even if it is another Blaine, you don't get a say."  
"I know, but I can still worry-"  
"And even if I went back to Blaine, you don't get a say."  
"But you shouldn't-"  
"It's MY choice, MY life, and yes, I take on board my friends opinions, but in the end it's MY decision. And if we're not even friends then maybe you shouldn't bother yourself with it so much." He glared at the other boy.   
  
"...Did you... Did you see Blaine?" Sebastian asked, not knowing what to say to stop getting shouted at. He knew he deserved it anyway.   
Kurt huffed. "Yes, I did. Last night."  
Sebastian nodded a little. "Did you...?"  
"We talked, we had fun, we hugged, yes, we even kissed, what does it matter?" Kurt folded his arms.   
  
"Kurt, it DOES matter!" Sebastian sighed. "Don't you remember what he did to you?"  
"Of course I do! I can't STOP remembering what he did to me, ok?! I imagine him with other guys, I don't want to trust him again, but guess what Sebastian? He loves me, and I can't stop myself from wanting to go back-"  
"He doesn't deserve you!" Sebastian shouted.   
  
They froze, both staring at each other over the camera, almost as if the laptop had frozen.   
Sebastian stopped the call.   
Kurt shakily closed his laptop, roughly rubbing his eyes of the angry tears that had built up. Frustration settled itself in his chest and he grit his teeth, trying to ignore everything but he couldn't. He grabbed his suitcase, opening it and finding his razor out, taking it to his bathroom and locking himself in, settling in the corner of his bathtub and throwing his shirt off, pressing the metal against his chest and not even thinking as he dragged it down, deep. He did it again, and again, not being careful to keep the marks in line or order this time, too much was going on for him to care.   
  
He shouldn't have tried to phone the Warbler, he shouldn't have come back for the wedding... no, that was selfish, Mr Shue wanted everyone there. Maybe he should have just ended it all a long time ago, when his life had fallen apart, or maybe before Glee club was a thing. He should have just not bothered, because no matter how much he'd risen in the past few years, he'd fallen ten times harder.   
What was the point? Life hated him.   
He looked down, marks covered his chest and the tops of his arms. He sobbed, shaking as he dropped the blade, placing his face in his hands, not able to stop crying,  
  
\------------

He had decided - after a couple hours of being curled up in his bathroom - that it was best to show himself downstairs and maybe go and get some coffee to make himself feel better, he felt exhausted and dizzy.   
"Hey dad." He smiled, walking into the kitchen. "No work today?"  
"Nah, got Saturday's off now." Burt smiled. "Any plans today before the wedding?"  
Kurt shrugged a little, hopping onto the side. "Just gonna get some coffee and maybe do some shopping."  
  
He'd headed to Lima Bean, borrowing Finn's truck and looked to himself in the mirror, his sunken eyes, deep bags, his empty expression... He smiled at himself, trying to put his mask back up fully and get on with the day, just ignore everything else.   
  
\------------

Sebastian had quickly turned off the call, closing his laptop and staring into space. That was VERY emotionally charged... Why would he say that to Kurt? Why didn't he like the fact Kurt had kissed Blaine, or that he was with Adam now? Why did anger settling itself in his chest at the news? It wasn't just worry, even though he was still worried for the other boy, especially if things with Anderson escalated, but he'd been worried about the other boy for months now, so he knew it wasn't just that.   
  
A little green monster that reared its head at the news, had wrapped itself about the boy and refused to let go.   
He was jealous. Envious. But he didn't KNOW why. Why would he be jealous of Kurt being close to other people? Other guys?   
He shook his head, trying to ignore those feelings as the remaining Warbler's came in. He had been reappointed as head of the Warbler's, and they had a meeting. He couldn't think about this right now, even if he couldn't get it off his mind.   
  
\------------

He decided to go bet some coffee after practice, driving to the Lima Bean and slamming his door as he got out the vehicle, looking in the mirror and readjusting his tie. He knew Kurt would be here, he didn't know whether he should ignore the boy or talk to him, he was so confused at the moment.   
He walked in, stepping to one side and looking around, finding Kurt among the other people, waiting in line. He sighed, seeing the other boy just made him want to go over, to go talk to him regardless of his confusion. To continue their usual bitchiness, he'd take that over Kurt being mad at him...  
  
But before he could get his feet moving fully, he saw someone walking over to the other boy. He stopped walking, Blaine... The ex-Warbler walked straight up to the countertenor. Kurt smiled, but before he could say anything Blaine put a hand to the back of his neck, pulling him into a kiss. Kurt seemed confused.   
Sebastian sighed, turned, and left.  
  
\------------

"Hi..." Kurt mumbled when Blaine pulled back.   
"Hey." He smiled before turning to the barista. "It's on me." He handed over some money before Kurt could argue and once they'd got their drinks he lead them over to a table. "Looking forward to the wedding?" He smiled across the table at the other boy.   
Kurt nodded. "Always, you know how much I love weddings..."  
  
Blaine chuckled, taking a sip of his drink. "So, got an outfit planned?"  
"Of course, nothing over the top, casual suit and bow-tie."  
"A bow tie?" Blaine bit his lip a little. "My favourite." Kurt flushed and looked down to his drink, not understanding what was happening. "So, how are you planning on getting there?"  
"I, uh, was thinking of getting a car." Kurt nodded, taking a sip of his own drink.   
"Well, maybe we can get a car together?" Blaine suggested, resting his chin on his hand.   
  
Kurt nodded a little. "Maybe... I do have to do some stuff first."  
"Oh, yeah, of course. You heading back to yours soon then?"   
"Yeah, my suits there so, just came out to get some stuff and a drink." He shrugged.   
Blaine nodded. "Well, I can get a car to pick you up from yours later?"   
Kurt watched him for a moment, that same puppy-dog look he'd flashed him a million times before, but with lust behind it. He looked down. "Yeah, sounds good."  
  
\------------  
  
"Kurt? You almost ready, kid? Blaine's here!" Burt called up the stairs.   
"Two minutes, dad!" He shouted back, finishing off his cover-up, after the kiss with Blaine he'd realised even if he didn't want to do anything with the other boy, he wouldn't be able to stop himself, it was going to happen if Blaine wanted it to. So he'd gone to the store and bought some makeup specifically designed to cover scars and cuts. It had stung a little, putting it over the fresh cuts on his chest and arms, but at least his ex wouldn't find out what he'd been doing for the better part of a year. He looked at himself in the mirror, he could tell that his skin didn't look quite right, there were slight raises where the deeper cuts had been, but if someone didn't pay that much attention, they wouldn't notice. He just hoped Blaine didn't...  
  
He buttoned up his shirt and skilfully tied his bow tie before pulling his suit jacket on. He'd had to alter this suit drastically, taking it in all over so it still fit to him instead of hanging off. He checked that his bags were covered under his eyes, made sure his hair was perfect and sprayed some cologne before nodding to himself in the mirror, forcing himself to start moving and heading downstairs.   
"Looking good, my boy." Burt smiled, patting him on the shoulder, and Kurt smiled a little. The tingle on his shoulder from the contact made him want to shiver, not in a strange way, just in a nice, 'I don't get touched by anyone anymore' way. True, he and Adam held hands sometimes and him and Rachel hugged every so often, but he was starving for touch.  
  
"Have fun, Kurt, Blaine." Carole smiled at them.   
"We will, thank you, Carole." Blaine smiled, leading them to the door. 

\------------

"Had I known I was gonna get groped in the back of a Prius, I would've brought a change of clothes." Kurt sighed. Every touch send shivers over his touch-starved body, every glance of a hand under his shirt or the kisses to his neck, his body was craving the touch. He'd drawn himself so far from everyone and kept people at a distance, and his body had grown lonely, needing attention, affection. And even if he was confused as to where it was coming from, it felt good to finally have that attention. "I'm gonna go in there looking prom, The Morning After." His brain kicked into gear as Blaine's hand glanced over his belt. "What am I doing? I'm sort of dating somebody in New York."

Blaine pushed himself up now. "Uh, you're not in New York. And it's not exclusive, right?" Kurt nodded a tiny bit. "You in this fey bow-tie... it's my Kryptonite." He pushed his lips to Kurt's throat once again and the other boy let his eyes flutter closed, focusing on the feeling of his skin tingling.  
"Wait, this doesn't mean that we're back together, right?" He asked, wanting to set those rules now before anything else happened, he looked down to the other boy.   
"No, no, no. It's-it's cool. I know, I know. It's-it's... This is just bros helping bros." Blaine explained.   
Kurt sighed, dropping back down for another kiss. "I love it when you talk fratty."  
  
He had almost lost himself to the feelings against his skin again when a knock came at the door. "Tell me that's not Tina again!" He almost growled.   
The door opened and they both looked up to see Mercedes, their expressions showing sheepishness at being caught. "Hey, can you two wrap it up? The wedding is about to start, and I need my arm-gays." She grinned at them.   
"Oh, my God." Kurt sighed, pushing himself out of the car with Blaine and adjusting his outfit as he did so, looking around anywhere other than at his friend and ex. 

"You do realise how trashy blasphemous this is, right?" She asked him, but a grin was present on her face.  
He tutted. "Mercedes, everyone hooks up at weddings."  
"Mm-hmm." She rolled her eyes. "Let's go. This outfit needs an audience~"  
  
\------------

Kurt tried to avoid Blaine, his body screamed at him for more contact, but he wasn't sure what to do. Blaine had definitely been trying to find him, but he managed to avoid the younger boy doing so. He was just so confused, Mercedes was right, it was trashy...  
"Hey, I've been looking for you."   
Shit. He turned, smiling at Blaine. "You found me." He sighed.   
"Come on," He took his hand. "Time for our duet."

They headed up to the stage, singing and dancing, the crowd loved it as always. Their mix of voices was always good.   
Once they'd finished everyone clapped and they jumped from the stage, heading over to one side. "I'm gonna get some punch, do you want anything?" Blaine asked, still smiling from performing.   
Kurt nodded a little. "Uh, yeah, I'll take a cup. But just remember, we're not-"  
"Dating, we're just here as friends, I know." Blaine smirked, it was like he was accepting a challenge.   
  
Kurt shook his head, trying not to think about it. At least at a wedding - unlike prom - the punch would have a little alcohol in it, especially with Noah being here. "Ooh, mini cupcakes." He smiled, even though he couldn't eat them he did like their design.   
"I don't like the way you treat Blaine." Tina suddenly told him, stood next to him. He looked to her, not knowing what to say. Blaine had cheated on him, Blaine had left before they had a chance to talk about it, Blaine had been the one initiating things, Kurt was just going along with it at this point, he didn't understand where the girl was coming from. "There, I said it. You're here, you're in New York, you're at vogue.com, you're at NYADA... who are you, Kurt?" Good question... He thought. "Meanwhile, Blaine is here, lonely, and yes, he cheated, and we're all human, Kurt, we all deserve to be loved back, Kurt."

He couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't understand her logic on this, but he knew exactly what was happening without context. She didn't think he KNEW that everyone deserved to be loved? Unfortunately for him nobody wanted to, and even if they did they would quickly learn they wouldn't want to. He was unlovable. He felt for her, he did, because she loved someone who wouldn't love her back, but she needed a reality check, and talking to Kurt that way, making Kurt the villain in things that were out of his control, on his life, on his job, his college? He was going to cut her off before she could say everything he already knew. "Okay, Tina. I say this with total love, but the moment we all saw coming is finally here." He folded his arms. "You're a hag. You're hagged out, you're in love with  
Blaine, and it's creepy. Stop."

"What do you know about love?" She asked him and he glared at her. "You just come and go!" His look became sterner, was she honestly suggesting that he was the one in the wrong for Blaine cheating? She was suggesting that ALL of it was his fault, because he'd followed his boyfriend's advice and gone to follow his dreams, he'd tried to get himself out of that spiral of pain and self-loathing, to get himself back on track. He knew Blaine was lonely, and yes, he did blame himself for that, he knew he should have tried to be there for the other boy more, regardless of how little interest came back onto himself, he should have made sure Blaine was happy no matter what it meant to himself, but blaming Kurt for the entire situation? No. "Who's been here to support him? Me. Who took him to  
Sadie Hawkins? Me. Who put him in bed when he got sick and rubbed vapour rub on his little muscled chest while he slept-" She cut herself off at his look, freezing at her own words.   
  
"Wait, what? Do you... huh?" He asked, not able to get his words to form past the sheer confusion at her admission. "What?"  
"No, I didn't mean... This isn't about me, Kurt! I have to go." She started storming off.   
"Did you vapo-rape my ex-boyfriend?! Don't walk away from me, Tina Cohen-Chang!" But before he could follow her someone took his hand and he turned to see Blaine.   
"Hey, I got the punch." He smiled, handing a cup to Kurt.  
  
They both stood there watching as the girls lined up to catch the bouquet.   
"You gonna try and catch it?" Blaine asked him and Kurt shook his head.   
"God, no... after everyone mocked me for ages when I caught Carole's bouquet? I don't need that again, thank you."   
Blaine chuckled.   
"I'm gonna go." Kurt told him, not so subtly trying to leave and disappear, but Blaine took their drinks and put them down, taking his hand and pulling him to the dance floor, making Kurt laugh.   
"Not so fast, you owe me a dance." Blaine winked at him and they started dancing.   
  
He did miss him, a LOT. They were best friends at one point after all... And Blaine had been initiating things since he'd gotten to Ohio. He liked Adam, a lot as well. He was just confused.   
"Come on, let loose." Blaine laughed and Kurt rolled his eyes, continuing to dance. "Forget about Adam, ok? Focus on NOW. Focus... on me." He smiled, and Kurt watched him, his brows knitting a little as he continued dancing. Blaine knew he had someone back in New York, he shouldn't be doing this, it felt wrong even with the ok from Adam.   
Blaine took his hand again, bringing himself closer in the middle of the crowd, wrapping his arms around Kurt's neck, bringing them even closer. "It's just me and you..." He muttered, and Kurt's breathing faltered as he stared into his ex-boyfriend's eyes. He didn't know what to say, what to do. His hands had landed on Blaine's waist, and the way his skin tingled where he was touched. The way Blaine was looking at him... "Kiss me..." Blaine mumbled, not looking away. "Kurt, kiss me..."  
  
Kurt paused for a second, not sure what to do now, and Blaine pulled his head closer with the arms that were wrapped around his neck, bringing them together. He kissed Kurt, and Kurt closed his eyes, letting it happen, after a moment, though unsure, kissing him back.   
"I got a room..." Blaine whispered, his lips brushing lights against Kurt's cheek, his neck. His eyes fluttered closed again, the smell of raspberry hair gel filling his senses, along with the tingling on his skin.   
He nodded a little, letting Blaine take his hand, almost dragging him from the room and down the corridors.   
  
They came to the room, and Kurt opened the door after he took the key from the other boy. This was ok, Adam had said this was ok. And Blaine wanted to...   
He turned to the other boy, smirking and gripping his tie, pulling him into the room.   
They came together again, kissing as passion filled them, Kurt's lips tingled, he wound his fingers into the other boy's hair, taking control in this situation, as he knew Blaine liked. At least at this stage anyway. They removed their clothes, still kissing, and Kurt softly pushed Blaine's shoulder, causing the other boy to lay down and he crawled on top.  
  
Over brush of the skin, every fingertip glancing his sides, his back, every run through his hair or tug on his lip or slide of their bodies together, everything felt like relief. A heavy feeling that had settled itself onto him, among all the others, was slowly lifting, being close to another human being was sending his head spinning, like he was drunk from the simple contact. His body had been craving this, hoping for touch, for someone to press their hands over him, to hug him and hold him to them.   
It was all too much but just what he needed, the contact. The skin on skin feeling, shivers and shakes rocketing themselves through his body in pulses, sending his hairs on end and goosebumps over his being.   
Blaine carded a hand through his hair and his scalp felt alive, a hand running over his back, tracing his spine and resting on the bottom of his back before running back up to the base of his neck, his entire body felt on fire at the contact.   
  
Being turned over, the other boy laying atop him, kissing across his jawline, down his neck, it felt like someone had scratched him all over, relieving and painful all at once. Like the marks he carved into himself. Touch-starvation and sensory-overload combined into bliss.   
The other boy was being gentle at first, careful of his touches as if relishing in this experience, something their relationship had lost as it went on. It had become more about the urges and the need to do this, not about appreciating one another, the feeling making love as apposed to just having sex.   
  
\------------

"Tell me now that we're not back together."  
Kurt didn't say anything for a moment, doing his shirt back up and glancing to his ex in the mirror. He was just confused, he knew Blaine wouldn't have let him leave tonight without something like this happening, without them being together. It was set in stone, but Kurt had seen it too late. It was a wonderful feeling to have his skin finally touched, his body finally satiated from starvation, but he had Adam. And he liked Adam. And he had to make sure he didn't get back together with Blaine, because he knew better.   
  
He may be broken, and his mind may be all over the place, his body may be suffering from his mental struggle and his walls may have been up for way too long that he sometimes forgot he was a person underneath, that other people may want to get in, get past the image he presented for everyone else. Blaine had had his chance, he had seen the boy beneath. True, Kurt had drawn himself in after everything that happened, he'd put up the walls again even to his own boyfriend, but it wasn't Blaine who would break through his walls, not now at least.   
He was satisfied the other boy hadn't noticed his scars as well, he knew he hadn't because he would have said something.   
  
"I mean... It was fun, but..." He shrugged a little.   
"Don't." Blaine pushed himself to kneeling on the end of the bed. "I'm not gonna let you minimise this, Kurt! It's no accident that we were together on Christmas and again on Valentine's Day."  
Oh... yeah, it WAS Valentine's Day wasn't it? Blaine's favourite holiday, his own least favourite. He hated Valentines Day, but he should have remembered that Blaine would think into them doing things on Valentines, no matter how powerless he was to stop it. The good thing about the fact that they weren't together, no matter how much Blaine tried to make it happen, Kurt had been able to say no to him when they were just friends. He'd been able to put the other boy in his place and tease him, make him squirm and have his say.   
  
When they were dating that became difficult, Kurt's control over anything slipping, he was constantly on edge of his words and his actions, of anything that could affect his boyfriend. Because his boyfriend came first, HAD to come first, constantly. Because no matter what it meant to himself, Blaine needed to be ok.   
Blaine stood, walking over and placing his hands on Kurt's shoulders as he helped him into his suit jacket, rubbing gently. "And we're going to be together for many, many more, no matter how much you pretend that this doesn't mean anything."  
Kurt turned to him, getting close enough to smell the mint mixed with... other things on his breath. But just as they were close enough to kiss, a tiny hint of a smile crept over his face, and he whispered to the other boy; "I'll see you downstairs." Before his smile turned to a smirk, and he backed away, turning and leaving the room.   
  
Because when they weren't together, he could keep control.  
  
\------------

"Of course I'll stay another couple days." He smiled as he talked on the phone with Niff. He caught Blaine's smile from the sofa as they sat around at Kurt's. "Yeah, I'll send you a message later and we can arrange something, ok? Ok, bye." He put his phone down.   
"Anyone special?" Blaine asked.   
Kurt rolled his eyes a little. "Just a friend, I'm gonna stay another couple days to hang out with people. Is that ok, dad?"   
"The longer I can keep you here, the better." His dad answered. They all laughed. "Seriously Kurt, you are always welcome to stay as long as you like."  
"Thanks dad." He smiled.  
  
There was a knock on the door, and Kurt stood. "I'll get it." He headed to the door, freezing as he opened it and saw the boy in front of him. He quickly stepped outside and closed the door behind him. "Sebastian, what are you doing here?" He whisper-shouted, angry and confused as to why the boy had turned up at his door.   
"I came to apologise..." He muttered.   
They both paused for a moment, and Kurt leaned back against the wall, looking at the floor.   
"Look, Kurt, I... I know I have NO right, to decide who you can be friends with, and who you can see or not see. I got worried about you when I had no reason to be, and I'm sorry..."  
  
Kurt nodded a little, looking back to the other boy. "Thank you..." He offered a tiny smile.   
"But, as your friend..." He smiled a little at the other boy's look at his words. "I am going to be honest with you, and while I understand that it can feel good to go back to where you're comfortable, and I know something's probably already happened since the wedding was last night and it was Valentines... I know you're smart enough to know that it wouldn't be a good idea to go back to Blaine. And, I know I can't convince you because it's your decision, but I just hope you do what's best for you, instead of trying to make sure everyone else is happy."  
Kurt watched him for a moment and nodded a little. "I appreciate you trying to help." He smiled. "And trust me, me and Blaine are not back together, nor are we getting back together, no matter how much he wants to. And trust me, Adam is so sweet, and caring, and... not like Blaine at all." He nodded a little with a smile. "I'm ok, Sebastian."  
  
Sebastian smiled a little, nodding. "So, we can go back to... the friendly bullying and the usual way we are, right?"   
"...No." Kurt shook his head a little, and when Sebastian looked worried, he smiled, stepping forward. "Because now? We're FRIENDS." He smirked, and Sebastian groaned, closing his eyes as if wounded.   
"I knew those words would come back to get me, I just didn't think it would be so soon." He shook his head a little, but smiled at the other boy. "Are we good, Hummel?" He put his hand forward.   
Kurt smiled. "Yes, we're good." He took Sebastian's hand and shook it, before tugging on it and bringing the other boy into a hug.   
Sebastian paused for a moment, but slowly put his arms around the other boy, enjoying the hug.   
  
They pulled apart after a moment. "So, I should probably head off, don't need your dad coming out or anything."  
"Or Blaine." Kurt shrugged a little. Sebastian raised a brow and the other boy huffed with a roll of the eyes. "He likes to hang out here."  
"Even when you're not here?"   
Kurt shrugged a little again, the answer was yes and they both knew it.   
"Ok, weirdness aside, I should go." Sebastian chuckled. "Later, Hummel."  
"Bye, 'Bas." He smiled and headed back inside, closing the door. Sebastian stood in the driveway for a moment, watching the other boy go back inside. 

\------------

"Before you say anything, I'm sorry." Tina once again appeared next to him. "I'm sorry that I attacked you at the reception." She explained, when Blaine seemed confused. They'd been talking next to Blaine's locker. "It's just, I saw you up there, singing with Blaine, and I saw the old, legendary chemistry. I saw two soul mates rediscovering each other, and I was jealous." She shrugged. "Why couldn't that be me? Why can't I have that with someone?"   
  
Kurt knew how she felt, he'd felt like that with Finn, and Sam at one point, heck before Blaine liked him that way he'd felt the same with him. It HURTS to love someone who won't love you back.   
"You will, just not with me." Blaine smiled at her.   
"I'm sorry that I've been throwing myself at you, making a fool of myself, hoping for something I know can never be." She sounded so defeated, and that ended right now as far as Kurt was concerned. He wouldn't let her feel like he'd felt any more.  
"It's okay, Tina." He smiled. "The truth is, we've all experienced unrequited love before, and we've all done things that we wish we didn't, and we all just want to get back to being friends." He stepped forward, taking her arm in his, Blaine took the other side and they began walking. "And that's just what we are. I mean, we're just friends."  
  
"Um, well, we're going to the double feature of All About Eve and Showgirls at the revival house." Blaine told her the plans they'd made. Kurt had spent the entire previous day with Niff - not that Blaine knew that - but Blaine had demanded they hang out today before Kurt went back to New York.   
"If you want to come with us?" Kurt asked.   
Tina rolled her eyes. "Wow. Mystery solved, Hagatha Christie. I'm gonna be a third wheel for the rest of my life."

"First of all, that's not even remotely true. Starting right now, I'm gonna help you get a boyfriend." Blaine told her with a smile.   
"And second of all, when I called you a hag, I was bringing attention to the fact that you are honouring the noble and proud tradition of hagdom!" He joked and they all laughed.   
"Ha, ha, ha." Tina rolled her eyes.   
"Yeah, and I, for one, am psyched that my very first hag was someone as kick-ass as..." Blaine looked to Kurt and they both spoke together; "Miss. Tina Cohen-Chang!"  
  
They all agreed to spend the day together, going to see the double feature before heading to Lima Bean for a drink while they waited for their reservations at Breadstix to be ready.   
The entire day, Blaine had been close to him, subtle touches of the hand, 'accidentally' brushing their elbows or shoulders together, bumping into each other. He'd sat in the middle at the show, his side flush to Kurt's and his leg pushing against him, his arm on the arm rest and his hand softly touching Kurt's. When they were getting coffee, Tina had already gone to sit down and Blaine had whispered how much fun he was having. When Tina had gone to the toilet Blaine had lent over from Kurt's side, subtle to anyone else as he whispered just behind Kurt's ear how attractive Kurt looked today.   
  
He'd called his sweetie on occasion, he'd been so sweet as well, caring even. He'd pulled Tina's chair out for her at the restaurant, and before Kurt could sit down after taking his jacket off, Blaine had pulled his out for him as well. Kurt had acted stupid, pretending he didn't see what Blaine was doing. But whatever the plan was, it was working. He was questioning why he left Blaine in the first place, had he been stupid to do so? Blaine had been so much out of his league, it was a miracle he convinced him to love him in the first place, but now? He was being attentive, doing these little things that he knew Kurt had noticed, he knew drove him crazy...  
  
The way he looked to Kurt when they were chatting with Tina, not taking his eyes off of him, hunger in his expression. Like Kurt was HIS, and HIS. ALONE. He didn't know what to think about it, or what to do about it, but he wouldn't let anything else happen with the other boy, not when he was going back to New York in five hours.   
Blaine had hugged him goodbye, telling him he'd miss him, that he couldn't wait until they got to see each other again. Kurt nodded, smiling as he headed for the plane.   
  
\------------  
  
He stopped when he walked through the door. "Rachel?" He called out, but got no response. "Santana?" Nothing... He had thought his roommates had gone out tonight, but the light was on. Something caught his eyes and he looked to the window that lead to the fire escape, where there was amber light flickering from candles. He felt someones hands on his shoulders.   
"Surprise." Adam smiled, stepping in front of him.   
"Oh my god... I can't believe you!" Kurt smiled, tears coming to his eyes as he took in the amazing - if a little cramped - setup on the balcony. A mini table, a la Lady and the Tramp, the stairs made into a seat with cushions and a blanket because it was still a bit crisp in New York. There was a tablecloth draped over the table, candles dotted around the balcony, a small vase of flowers in the centre of the table, plates and cutlery set out. "It's beautiful, I love it, thank you." He smiled, turning to Adam and hugging him.   
  
Adam let Kurt hug him for as long as he wanted, happy to be as close to the other boy as possible. "I asked Rachel for a key, and they both said they'd go out for the night." He explained as Kurt pulled back. "What's wrong...?" He asked, softly wiping the boy's tears away with his thumb. "What happened?" Kurt shook his head a little, and Adam lead him over to the sofa, sitting him down and taking his hand, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles.   
"I'm such a bad person..." Kurt whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks.   
"No you're not, honey." Adam told him. "Ok?"  
  
"I... I didn't want to do anything to hurt you..." Kurt continued.   
Adam nodded, knowing where this was going. "You remember our deal?" He asked kindly. Kurt nodded, that lost look in his eyes, guilt protruding from him all over. "Well, I asked you to tell me anything that happened, and that's what you're doing, right?"  
He nodded again. "Yeah..."  
"So, tell me." Adam smiled, speaking softly, giving Kurt his own time to speak.   
  
After a moment he calmed down a little, wiping his eyes as more tears came. "Um..." His voice wavered as more tears fell. "When I first got there... Blaine kissed me. And then, when I was getting coffee he came and surprised me, and kissed me again..." He explained everything, working himself up more and more, and Adam let him vent, especially when he started talking about how he felt lost and confused, not knowing what was happening or what to do. "But-but I'm back now, and- and I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, and I'm NOT getting back with Blaine at all, I swear, I'm not going to-"  
Adam placed a hand to his cheek when he began rambling, promptly cutting him off as he brushed his thumb over his pale, tear stained cheek. Kurt flinched at first, and Adam tried not to think too far into that. He smiled softly, lovingly as he watched the blue of Kurt's eyes, like an ocean, a place he loved to get lost in, and now a storm had taken over and there was turmoil, and it was up to him to fix it, to make him forget about his problems and anything that troubles him, to replace that fear and insecurity with love and adoration.   
  
"I understand." He told him, soft but firm. "I'm fine with it, honestly. It was my idea, after all, and I KNOW you wouldn't have done anything with him if I hadn't given you the go ahead. It's fine, and I just hope you got closure..."  
Kurt nodded a little, pushing himself to Adam's chest and feeling safe in his embrace as the other boy's arms wrapped around him.   
He told Adam to go set up whatever he'd decided to make, telling him he'd be out there soon. He got his laptop out, going to Facebook, and going to his relationship status. He paused for a moment, looking at the word 'single' for a moment, before changing it to 'in a relationship'.  
  
They ate on the balcony, Kurt had ignored the food, but Adam didn't seem to realise, they were too busy catching up for him to notice Kurt was just pushing his food around his plate. And Kurt was the master of deflection after all.   
Once they'd finished eating, they sat back amongst the pillows, Kurt resting his cheek on Adam's chest as they looked out over the neighbourhood, snow softly falling around them, having grown heavier as the night went on. The British boy wrapped the blanket around them, looking down at the boy in his arms. The one that had shown him a glimpse of the other boy, the one behind the walls. The one that cried and felt like he'd betrayed him when they'd agreed it would be ok. He didn't know much about Blaine, but he could figure out enough about their relationship by how Kurt acted, and now he was back it was even more obvious how confused and out of sorts Kurt's mind was.   
  
"...I love you, Kurt..." He whispered, but it was loud enough to hear.   
Kurt slowly pulled away, looking at the other boy, as if trying to find any sign he was lying. He smiled a little, his eyes still watery. "I love you, too..."  
They softly clinked their glasses together, and Adam slowly lent in for a kiss, giving the other boy chance to pull away if possible. He didn't. They kissed, soft and chaste, exploring each other.  
Adam didn't want to push Kurt in anything, and waited for the other boy to set his boundaries as they went.   
  
Kurt hesitantly licked at the other boy's lips, and Adam gave him entrance, knowing Kurt was exploring, seeing how far he felt comfortable to go, tasting the new experience and the new boy. And Adam was fine with just this if that's what Kurt wanted. Though he would be lying if he said he didn't want more, he had since he'd first seen Kurt. But he wanted Kurt to be comfortable, and he would wait as long as it took.   
Kurt had some immense self-esteem issues, it was obvious, and he hadn't even believed anyone could find him attractive, despite the fact that almost all the guys at NYADA liked him, watched him as he walked by, even random guys on the street would turn their head when he would walk by. And he was completely oblivious.   
  
Kurt pulled away, watching Adam's eyes for a moment, as if scared. Adam smiled, dazed from the kiss as he stroked the other boy's cheek. Kurt smiled and little, wrapping his fingers into Adam's softly, experimentally, as if he wanted to savour ever tiny touch, learn every crease and curve of his hand, his knuckles, his fingers.   
"Do you want to go inside...?" He mumbled, watching Adam's eyes for any sign of a no.  
Adam smiled adoringly, nodding and heading inside with the other boy.   
Kurt kissed him again, rougher this time, more need pushed into the action. Adam reciprocated, happy Kurt felt comfortable enough to explore like this. Kurt ran his fingers through the hair at the base of Adam's neck, his actions soft and careful, bringing himself closer.  
  
"I don't want to force you into anything." Adam told him gently. "I want you to be comfortable..."  
"I am comfortable..." Kurt sighed against his mouth, pecking a small kiss to his lips. "Is this ok...? You're ok with this...?"  
Adam smiled lovingly. "I'm ok with anything you're ok with."  
Kurt smiled a little, bringing the other boy back into the kiss. He let his hands roam down to his shoulders, his chest, his sides, wrapping around his waist, bringing them flush to each other.   
Adam gently put his hand to the side of Kurt's neck, pulling him closer slightly.  
Kurt leaned up, whispering in Adam's ear; "I'm not going to break, you know..."   
  
Adam shivered and pulled back a little, looking at Kurt's expression and quickly kissing him, hands on his cheeks. He made sure to stay gentle, to let Kurt guide them wherever he wanted to go, even if the other boy just wanted to kiss that was more than fine with him.   
Kurt moved his mouth, kissing the other boys jawline softly, making Adam shiver again, tilting his head back to give him more access, more room to explore. Kurt could smell his cologne, it was strong, but nice, intoxicating even. His lips and nose brushed over the soft skin of the other boy's neck, feeling goosebumps come up as he planted a kiss to his collar, time for revenge, people had been mentioning his hickey all weekend...  
  
The soft noises he managed to earn from the other boy only spurred him on, gave him confidence. Adam was holding back, and he knew it, the way he squirmed.   
Kurt took his hand, kissing his knuckles and softly tugging him toward his bedroom. "One minute..." He whispered, rushing to the bathroom, remembering something as he went to undo his shirt buttons. He closed the door, he'd bought his suitcase with him, quickly opening it and finding the covering he'd bought, quickly applying it and taking off his shirt, double-checking he'd hidden it all, before heading back out there.   
Adam smiled at him softly, taking his own shirt off as Kurt slowly made his way over. And they joined together in another lust-filled kiss.


	17. Feelings

Veils are a tricky thing.   
The issue with veils, is how thin they are. People can see through if they look close enough. And veils can be anything, from a fake smile, to a little too many jokes in a short period of time, to a baggy jumper. And Sebastian had seen through the massive baggy jumper Kurt had been wearing when he'd gone to visit him at home.   
He hadn't stopped thinking about it, how thin he looked, the clothing just made him look smaller, his collarbones sticking out over the rim, his hands barely poking out the bottom. His skin had become even more pale and his cheeks sunken, sharp almost. He was still attractive, still Hummel. But now Sebastian knew something was 100% wrong.   
  
After weeks of not seeing the boy, being too wrapped up in his own head, Kurt had become even more of a whisper of his old self, and that was terrifying. He regretted not answering the phone to the other boy before now, to not just sending him a text. He felt responsible for the change in the other boy. He was killing himself, and Sebastian didn't even know why, he doubted anyone else did either, in fact he doubted anyone else had fully taken the time to LOOK properly at the boy, to see past the thin veil he'd made for himself.   
If the veil was lifted, then they could work on his walls, seemingly impenetrable, impossible to break through, but Sebastian would be damned if he wasn't determined to TRY.

There was just one problem.  
  
Kurt was in New York. He was in Ohio. And he wouldn't be able to be around him much until he moved over there at the end of the school year, and texts and calls could only go so far. He didn't want to smother him either, especially with how rocky things had been recently, plus Kurt had Adam now. And if he was honest, he doubted Rachel would be happy to have him around.

He lay on his bed, staring at his ceiling, his thoughts going a mile a minute. Because he wasn't just worried about Kurt, he was worried about himself.   
When the older boy had hugged him... something happened. A warm feeling, cosy, safe, almost unbearable, had enveloped him. Settled in his chest, making it hard to breathe. It had felt... right. Like his skin was on FIRE from the simple motion of a hug. And he didn't understand...  
  
He didn't know what those feelings meant, why he felt as if a creature was in his chest, ramming into his rib cage, why it HURT. But it wasn't bad... it wasn't an awful thing, except it terrified him. He was scared, he didn't understand, and he didn't LIKE not understanding.   
  
As the next couple days had gone on, he had to admit to himself that he did enjoy Kurt's company, he enjoyed talking to him, he wanted to be around the other boy as much as possible. He didn't know why, but he had to be honest with himself, denial had gotten him nowhere in the past. He enjoyed Kurt. As strange as it was, as confusing as their past made this, he couldn't deny it. But he still didn't know WHY.

\------------  
  
Kurt smiled as he felt the sunlight streaming through the window, Adam's arm wrapped over his waist, his head on his shoulder. He turned his head down, planting a kiss to Adam's forehead. The other boy shifted a little, blinking up at him and smiling.   
"Good morning..." The way he looked at Kurt had his heart doing flips.   
He pecked Adam on the lips. "Morning." Adam nestled back down with him, pulling the blanket up over the two of them and glancing to the window. "Looks like it's still snowing."  
"Mm-hmm, it must have been going all night." He absentmindedly stroked his fingers over the other boys arm, just enjoying being close to him. It had been a long time since he'd woken up to another boy being in bed with him, and it made him feel comfortable, cosy. "We should probably get up." He whispered as he placed another kiss to his head.   
  
Adam groaned a little, making Kurt giggle as he shuffled out of the bed, standing and stretching.   
"Do you want some coffee?" He asked, turning back to the other boy.   
"That would be lovely, thank you." Adam smiled, laying out on the bed and watching Kurt with love in his eyes as the other boy grabbed his robe, pulling it on and heading out into the main area of the loft with a smile he couldn't get rid of.   
  
"Did I hear talking in there?" Santana asked as he walked round the corner of the kitchen counter, heading to the coffee machine.   
"Good morning to you too." He smirked, pulling out two coffee cups.   
The two girls almost squealed. "Wait, is Adam still here?" Rachel asked, glancing to Kurt's room to see if she could catch a glimpse of the other boy, but the curtain was still closed.   
"Maybe." He shrugged, pouring the coffees.  
"Oh my god, slutty, Hummel." Santana grinned. Kurt rolled his eyes, taking the cups into his area and handing one to Adam, who was getting changed.   
  
"Did you have fun last night?" The British boy asked, pulling a shirt on.   
Kurt smirked, walking over and letting the other boy wrap his arms round his waist. "Do you even have to ask?" He spoke softly, closing his eyes as Adam placed a soft kiss to his lips. "Did you have fun?"  
"I don't think I've ever had MORE fun."  
"Ok, cheesy." Kurt giggled. "And completely untrue, but I appreciate the sentiment." He chuckled again, placing another kiss on the other boys lips. "I'll let you get changed."  
  
He turned and walked back to the curtain, rolling his eyes and walking straight past the two girls that were fan-girling as they watched. "Ever heard of privacy?" He asked, walking back to the kitchen with them following and taking a sip of his coffee.   
"Did you finally do it?" Rachel asked.   
Kurt shrugged a little. "Don't remember." He smirked, enjoying teasing the other two.   
"Oh, you totally fucked." Santana folded her arms and he huffed out a laugh.   
  
"No, we didn't FUCK. We had sex." He sat down at the table, shushing the girls when they practically squealed. "Will you stop? It's not like I've not had sex before."  
"Yeah but you're like a grandma, lady Hummel, it's fun to know you're not just here to make us cookies and watch old rom-coms with us." Santana smirked and he rolled his eyes again.  
He sighed. "Can we be adults about this?"   
"Of course." Rachel smiled. "I mean, you will have to tell us everything later."   
  
Adam walked out into the main area, smiling a little, and sitting next to Kurt with his coffee. "Good morning."  
"Morning, Adam." Rachel and Santana smirked at the same time and Kurt huffed, shaking his head a little.   
"You two are incorrigible." He muttered.  
"I don't know what that means." Santana shrugged.   
He smiled a little and flushed when Adam placed his arm over his shoulders.   
  
"So, what's everyone's plans for the day?" Adam asked. "The snow's coming down out there."  
"Oh, yeah, I forgot to say, Kurt, NYADA closed it classes until further notice because of the snow." Rachel informed him.  
He raised a brow. "Is it really that heavy out there?" He stood, walking to the window, surprised at just how much had fallen through the night. "Um, Adam, did you get your blanket and pillows from outside?"  
"No... is it heavy?" Adam walked over behind the other boy, glancing out and seeing just how snowed in they were. "Oh... wow."  
  
Kurt turned round, looking at everyone. "Guess we're snowed in."   
"What? No, no, no, I can't be stuck here with you lot until further notice." Santana stood, walking over to the door.  
"Thanks very much." Kurt muttered.   
"Yeah, love you too." Rachel added as they all followed Santana downstairs. "You might not wanna open that-"  
  
Santana pulled the door open slightly, snow falling inside from where it had piled up outside the door. She jumped back, an 'eep' escaping her mouth. "Brilliant... we're snowed in."  
"You could always go down the fire escape if you're THAT desperate to leave." Kurt rolled his eyes, walking over and helping her push the door closed again.   
"Too much effort, plus it'll be slippy as hell out there." Santana huffed. They all headed back upstairs.   
  
\------------

Santana shook her head, sitting with Rachel in the kitchen area. She folded her arms, watching everyone around her. "My first real week in New York and I'm snowbound in Bushwick with a bunch of musical theatre queens." She muttered to Rachel, who shot her 'that' look. Santana glanced to the two boys, laughing and chatting across from them as they made tea.   
"No, you're doing it wrong, Daisy!" Kurt giggled as they mocked characters from Downton Abby.   
"I can't do it 'cause I'm in love with William!" Adam answered.   
  
"Oh come on, it's cute, they like each other." Rachel whispered, sipping on her tea.   
"I just can't. It's like Eli Roth decided to make a gay horror movie and this is the scene right before we all eat each other." Santana grumbled, causing Rachel to laugh.   
"Oh, do it again, do it again!" Kurt told Adam, who stood straight, a serious look coming over his face.   
"Welcome... to Downton Abbey." He said dramatically, and they both started laughing.   
  
"So, where you from, Doctor Who?" Santana asked, sick of the British accents.   
The pairs attention went to the girl. "Uh, England. Do you know Essex?" Adam smiled.   
"No. Never heard of it." She shrugged. "Are you guys dating? Because at Mr. Shue's bomb of a wedding, you and Blaine, like..." She made motions with her hands and Kurt shot a glare her way.  
"Shut up, Santana. Rachel and I are letting you live here rent-free. The least you could do is-"  
  
"Where is Rachel anyways?" Santana interrupted and Kurt rolled his eyes. "Giving that living mannequin a bikini wax?"  
"Uh, Brody is working and Rachel is in the bathroom." Adam answered, placing a hand on Kurt's shoulder and giving it a squeeze before he could get too annoyed at the other girl. They were all stuck here after all.   
"Well, let's hope that she's embracing her inner bulimic because let me tell you, home girl has been looking extremely pumpkin-like and not just 'cause of the Tan in a Can."  
Kurt flinched at her words, and he knew Adam noticed, but Rachel came in before any questions could be asked.   
  
"Okay, that's it!" Rachel told Santana. "You're gonna have to move out because this is our sanctuary, and by ours, I mean mine and Kurt's, and frankly, you make me feel uncomfortable, and Brody says that you make him feel uncomfortable as well!"  
"Girls, girls, retract the claws, all right?" Kurt stood. "NYADA cancelled all the classes because of the snow, so let's just cosy up to our little movie marathon. Santana, did you go through our DVD collection?"  
She nodded. "I sure did!" She headed into the lounge area and picked up the DVD's she'd found. "Uh, 'Knocked Up'. Hilarity. 'Rosemary's Baby'... that's obviously Lady Hummel's." He rolled his eyes again. "And, uh, 'She's Having a Baby'."  
  
"I don't want to watch any of those." Rachel argued, folding her arms.   
"Oh, really, Rachel? Not even 'She's Having a Baby'? 'Cause you always cry at the end when Elizabeth McGovern has the baby." Kurt pouted, knowing she loved that film. But something was going off between the two girls that he didn't know about.  
"I'm not in the mood, okay? I'm not in the mood." She shrugged.   
"Okay, fine." He headed over to the DVD's. "Because I have made a selection that is perfect for being snowed-in in New York City." He pulled the DVD up. "'Moulin Rouge!', bitches. We love those dancin' hos!" 

"Seriously?" Santana asked, frowning at his choice.   
"Oh, come on, it's great, and Ewan McGregor is cute." He shrugged.   
Adam nodded. "True. I'm in."  
"Thank you, Adam." He turned to the girls, pouting. "Please?"   
"Fine, put on your weird ass film." Santana rolled her eyes and they all curled up on the sofa to watch. 

\------------

He'd forgotten.  
How had he forgotten?  
He knew he used to watch this with Blaine, he KNEW they loved watching this film together, but how had he FORGOTTEN. THE. SONG?! Every time he heard come what may he imagined himself and Blaine singing it, at one point it made him happy to think about, himself and Blaine walking around a foggy rooftop, singing a love some to each other, completely in love... But now it was sad, dark, a faint memory of a time when he'd been happy, a time when even if he was feeling down, he could watch this film or listen to this song and imagine a happy time.   
  
The song was a reminder, a reminder of betrayal and of his trust being broken. Of promises made and destroyed, of good times dissolving to bad times, hope to grief and happiness to depression, drowning, anxiety-  
  
"Kurt, are you crying?" Adam's voice cut through his thoughts, and he blinked a couple times, watching the screen instead of looking to his boyfriend.   
"Um... no, no. My-my contacts are... really bothering me right now." He mumbled, coming up with a lie on the spot. He liked Adam, he didn't want his new boyfriend to be hurt by what he thought about when he listened to that song.   
Rachel lifted her head off his shoulder. "I didn't know you wore contacts?"  
"Yes, Rachel, I just found out I have a slight astigmatism."

"Oh, I think I might have some solution in my bag." Adam told him, ready to get up and go get his bag.   
"No, no, I'm fine. I'll be good. Don't worry." Kurt smiled, wanting to just get back to the film, but of course Santana had to speak up. He loved the girl, but it felt like she was trying to ruin his new relationship.   
"I would've thought that you were crying because you and Blaine used to talk about how this was your dream to sing this song to each other at your wedding." She smirked when he looked to her. 

"Did we?" He asked, feigning ignorance.   
Santana nodded. "Yeah. I remember you telling me that singing this song to someone was a more intimate act than sex."  
Kurt stood before this could continue. "Who wants popcorn? Anyone?"  
"No. Hold on. I'm sorry. Can we pause this for a second?" She asked and Adam paused the film, everyone's attention going to the girl. "Kurt, please sit down. I have something to say, and I have tried to keep it to myself, but I will be silent no longer."

"What is it?" Rachel asked, just as confused as everyone else.   
"That Brody character is a freakin' psycho."  
Kurt raised a brow, leaning forward. "Go on."  
"Here we go." Rachel rolled her eyes.   
"Listen, when I first met him, totally thought he was weird. He smelled all talcum-y like a Cabbage Patch Doll. And then he said that I wasn't a real New Yorker until I had my first makeover, and I was, like, what does that even mean? Like, who are you?" Santana explained. 

Adam chuckled. "Oh, come on, Brody's a sweetheart."  
Santana nodded. "That's what I told myself, you know? I said, 'So what if he's completely hairless and made out of plastic... I'm gonna look past the fact that he probably has a disgusting  
porn star landing strip. I'm gonna give Lars and the Real Boy one more chance'." She continued and Rachel shook her head in annoyance. "But then I found... this." She pulled out a rolled up wad of cash. "$1,200 in cash."

"When did you find that?" Rachel asked, now sitting forward like Kurt.   
"Last night when I was rooting through all the pockets and drawers in this apartment." Santana shrugged.   
"Wait. What?"  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Kurt shook his head. "Santana, you went through all of our stuff?"

"Yeah. That's a thing I do." Santana shrugged again, like it was completely normal for her to do that.   
"It's completely unacceptable." Rachel explained.   
Kurt shook his head again. "I can't."

"Oh, okay. I like how you guys pretend to be all accepting about everything, but when your friend suddenly shows up in your home, moves in and goes through all your stuff, you're offended?" Santana asked, earning 'uh, yeah', looks from everyone, and just a confused look from Adam, who hadn't known her for that long.   
"Just because he has a little money on him doesn't mean that he's a psycho." Kurt explained, and Rachel nodded. Kurt liked Brody, and he didn't want anything to be wrong with him, because him and Rachel were good together, but he was intrigued.  
  
"That's what I thought, right? Who cares if he's terrified of banks? 'Cause if I were made out of plastic, I'd be scared of a lot of things, too: Open flames, barbecues. Then... I found... this." She held up a pager.  
"What is that? Is that a garage door opener?" Rachel asked.   
"This is a pager, my friends. And there's only one type of person in this world that carries cash and a pager." Santana shrugged. "Your friend Brody... is a drug dealer."  
  
\------------

"So is it snowing in Ohio?" Kurt asked Sebastian over the phone later on in the day. Adam had gone with Rachel to go help one of their neighbours with something and Santana was probably perusing their things again, honestly he didn't understand why the girl would do that...  
"Not as heavy as it is there, is everyone coping ok?" Sebastian answered, getting changed out of his lacrosse gear. "Have you given into the urge to kill Santana yet?"   
Kurt laughed. "Not quite, but maybe soon, I swear she just loves setting things into motion and laughing as things fall apart..."  
  
"So what have you guys been doing while you're stuck there?" He asked, pulling on some clean clothes.   
"Watching films, we're half way through Moulin Rouge!, but Santana interrupted to tell us Brody's a drug dealer." They both laughed.   
"Are you serious?"  
"Honestly, I'm somewhat inclined to believe her, why else would he carry wads of cash around?"  
"You've got a point, but I doubt it's drugs, he's clearly selling something though." Sebastian chuckled, laying on his bed. "Have you checked your silverware recently?"  
  
"Oh, haha, he is not stealing out cutlery, Seb." Kurt laughed, heading into the bathroom and roaming around his cupboard for some skin cream, his skin felt dry.   
"How d'you know unless you check?" Sebastian joked.   
Kurt rolled his eyes, opening the cream and putting Sebastian onto speaker. "Let's change topic, how are the other Warbler's doing? I'm worried about you guys."  
"Everyone's upset."  
"Understandably."   
"But we're coping, Nick got us a gig singing at a Roller Rink, and we still have that flash mob we have to plan for at the mall." Sebastian shrugged.   
  
"I loved doing flash mobs at the mall!" Kurt smiled, remembering the performances they'd done at the mall, especially the barbra-vention he'd done with Rachel. His phone line went dead and he picked the phone up. "Sebastian?" He called, checking his phone. Out of battery, damn... he'd forgotten to charge it the night before.   
The lights went out, and he felt his chest tighten at the sudden darkness that enveloped him.  
  
\------------

"Santana?" Rachel called out through the dark, her and Adam managing to find their way back upstairs in the dark.   
"In here!" Santana shouted from the bathroom. Her phone light was shining from the room but the proper lights came on a second later and the other two walked to the bathroom.  
Adam quickly rushed in and knelt next to his boyfriend, who was curled up in the corner, struggling to breathe and staring at the floor. "Babe, come on, breathe..."  
"What's wrong with him?" Santana asked. "I came to find him when the lights went out and he was just curled up shaking like a leaf."  
"I think he's having an anxiety attack..." Adam told them, lowering his voice so as to not spook his boyfriend more. "Kurt, hey, it's me, just breathe, honey."  
  
Kurt slowly looked up to Adam's eyes and nodded a little, trying to force himself to breathe. He glanced to the two girls, panicking more at their looks. They could see him breaking down, they shouldn't see him like this, they'd know something was wrong, they'd find everything out, they'd be hurt.   
Adam noticed his boyfriend freak out more as he saw the girls and looked to them. "I'm really sorry but... I think Kurt feels overwhelmed with all of us here."  
Santana nodded, and dragged Rachel out before she could argue.   
  
"Is that better?" Adam asked softly and Kurt nodded a little, placing a hand on his boyfriends chest so he could feel his heartbeat and breathing, hoping it would calm him. It did make it easier to follow normal breaths, and Adam understood, sitting down with him and just giving him time as he hummed a tune, just waiting for Kurt to feel better.  
A few minutes later, Kurt was breathing almost normal again, and he rested his head on Adam's shoulder, hiding his face and inhaling his smell.   
"How are you feeling...?" Adam asked, still quiet in case Kurt was still freaked out.   
Kurt nodded a tiny bit, but didn't move. "I'm sorry..." He mumbled.   
  
"You don't have to apologise, Kurt... can you tell me what happened?" He stroked a hand over his boyfriends hair, hoping to calm him more and reassure him this was nothing to be embarrassed about.   
Kurt nodded a little and pulled back. "Um, my phone cut off and then suddenly the lights went out, it just freaked me out a bit... I know it's stupid-"  
"It's not stupid." Adam smiled, placing a hand to Kurt's cheek and rubbing his thumb over it, causing Kurt to give a tiny smile in response. "My younger brother has anxiety, so, I'm used to handling anxiety attacks."  
Kurt shrugged a little. "I don't have anxiety..."  
"Maybe not, but everyone gets anxious." Adam smiled. "You ready to go out there? I'm sure those two are worried about you..."  
  
"Oh god... they saw me freaking out didn't they?" He frowned, his brows furrowing.   
"They're not judging you, Kurt, they just want to make sure you're alright, they didn't know what was happening and they're worried for you." Adam explained calmly. "But if you want to sit here for a while-"  
"No, no, it's ok." Kurt smiled. "We can go out there..." He stood, waiting for Adam to go first.   
  
He followed him out, fiddling with his sleeves. He looked exhausted, and embarrassed and just kept his eyes trained on the floor as he followed Adam to the kitchen area.   
"Hi, guys..." He whispered a weak smile coming over his face, his fingers grazing past Adam's hand and his boyfriend understood, taking a hold of his hand and giving it a squeeze.   
The two girls looked like they didn't know what to do. "Are you ok, Kurt?" Rachel asked.   
Kurt nodded a little. "I'm fine, just a panic attack..."  
  
"I didn't know you were scared of the dark." Santana spoke up, but her voice didn't hold her usual bitchiness to it.   
"I'm not, it was more just... the suddenness of it." Kurt shrugged a little. "I just want us all to forget that happened and go on with our day."  
Rachel smiled, standing and walking over to give him a hug. "Fine with me, I'm glad you're ok."  
Kurt smiled, hugging the girl back. "I'm fine, don't worry."   
  
\------------

"Oh, my God, it's getting worse out there. We've been snowed in for 48 hours." Kurt stood from the window seat where he'd been curled up with a book, heading over to the others. "Let's finish watching  
Moulin Rouge! before we lose power again... Or start eating each other."  
"Oh, no, please spare us. If I see one more scene of Satine coughing up blood into a handkerchief, I'm gonna start coughing up blood into a handkerchief." Santana grumbled, sipping a hot chocolate.   
"Come on, Santana, it's so good, and we're right in the middle of it." Kurt pleaded, pouting a little.  
  
Adam stood. "Let's put it to a vote. Eye."  
"Oh, house vote. I say eye." Rachel smiled.  
"Eye. Moulin Rouge! it is." Kurt smiled.  
"Well, what about Brody's vote?" Santana asked, but walked over to them in the lounge to watch it with them. "Or do drug dealers not get to vote?"

"Okay, he's not a drug dealer. Please, okay? It's snowing outside. He's probably just stranded somewhere." Rachel sighed, getting annoyed with Santana's constant picking. "Do you want me to call him? Okay. I'll prove it to you." She pulled her phone out and Santana looked to the other two, only earning a shrug from Kurt. 

"Hey, Rach." Brody's voice came through the speaker.   
"Hey, babe. Where are you?" Rachel asked, hoping to prove a point.   
"Aw, the bridges are closed... I'm stuck at my friend's house in Manhattan. You remember Leo, right?"  
Kurt tried not to laugh when Santana mimicked someone doing a line but he couldn't help but giggle a little. Rachel shot him an annoyed glance. "Well, I miss you. We're in the middle of watching Moulin Rouge!, and so we're getting to the part where Ewan McGregor cries-"

"Hey, l-listen, I, uh, I got to go. I will be back as soon as I can." Brody interrupted her, and the other three shared a look.   
"Okay." Rachel nodded, putting her phone in her pocket when he hung up. "There you go. Okay?" She walked off into the kitchen.   
Kurt leaned toward Santana, whispering to her; "I'm with you. Drug dealer." He smirked, picking up the remote so they could continue watching.  
He liked Brody, and he knew Rachel liked Brody, but Santana had some good points, and there was something happening, even if it wasn't drugs.   
  
\------------  
  
"What's shakin', bacon?" Adam smiled, walking over to Kurt at NYADA. It was the next day, and thankfully classes had opened up again.   
"Oh, hey." Kurt smiled. "Just practising my basic pirouettes. Every aspiring actor needs to know how to do them." He shrugged a little. "Newsies is lousy with them."  
"Thanks for giving me shelter from the storm." Adam told him, flashing him that loving look. "I was a little sad we, uh, weren't snowed in a little longer."  
Kurt nodded, smiling a little. "Ah, I know, I always get a little sad when the sun comes out and the snow starts to melt and all the snowmen look like they have scoliosis." Adam laughed. "But it was nice to hang out with you and, uh, watch a few movies."  
  
"Well..." Adam chuckled. "A movie."  
"A movie." Kurt nodded. He felt like there was something else that Adam wanted to talk about.  
"Look, about that... Uh..." Adam looked down and Kurt felt fear ping in his chest, god was he going to break up with him? "I'm gonna ask you something and I want you to be honest." Kurt nodded a little, this was it, he'd ruined it... "You and Blaine did used to sing that duet together, didn't you?"

Kurt paused but nodded a little, shame coming over him. "Yeah. But it feels like a lifetime ago... Maybe that's what's hard about it..."   
"You still love him, don't you?" Adam asked, watching Kurt's reaction, but none came, Kurt just stared at him, tears coming to his eyes. This WAS it, he was going to break up with him, they wouldn't be dating anymore- "Was I your rebound?"  
"No! No-" Kurt stepped forward, but paused before he touched Adam at all, not knowing where they stood right now, his mind just kept screaming that this was it.   
"-'Cause I can't compete with a fantasy, Kurt."

Kurt felt his heart shatter. "...I desperately want to be over him." He whispered, and Adam's face softened seeing how conflicted Kurt was. "Really, I do..."  
"Good." Adam took his hand, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles. "Then let's go to the movies right now." Kurt just looked absolutely confused and Adam found it completely adorable. "Oh, I'm serious. We are going to go and find the sappiest love story that we can, and then that will be our movie."  
Kurt smiled, relief evident in his face and Adam knew Kurt was at least trying his best to get over Blaine. Kurt wrapped his arms around Adam's shoulders happily. "Are you sure...?"  
"I'm positive." Adam smiled. And he knew that even if Kurt would never get over his ex, he'd still try his best to make the other boy happy, no matter how bad it sounded, because he was in love with Kurt, and he knew he was worth any heart-break.   
  
\------------  
  
"Oh, it's Rachel." Kurt smiled, walking hand in hand with Adam after the movie. "Hello?" He spoke, bringing the phone to his ear.   
"Tell her I say hi." Adam smiled.   
"Rachel?" Kurt called again, he didn't get a proper response, other than the quiet voices of Santana and the other girl.   
"Okay, New York may be disgusting, especially when it's covered in grey, nasty snow, and the people may be horrible and rude, and some smelly homeless man in pee-stained tighty-whities might have groped me on the subway, and then asked me for a dollar, but I gots to say, I finally feel like I have found my people."  
  
Kurt stopped walking, putting a finger in his other ear and trying to hear what they were saying, maybe he was on speaker?  
"Glad that you found your corner of the sky, Santana." Rachel's voice came.  
"Where are the Hardy Boys?" Kurt rolled his eyes at Santana's words. "Investigating the mystery of. 'God, Could You Be Any More Annoying?'." Kurt frowned, ok that hurt...  
"Kurt and Adam are at NYADA." Rachel answered, overly patient.   
It became obvious that Rachel had pocket dialled him, and he knew he should hang up, but Santana mentioned Brody and he became interested. 

"And Pablo Escobar? Did he ever come home?"  
"Brody is in the shower."  
"Where he will be for the next hour, scrubbing the drug shame off of his friction-less body."  
"For the hundredth time, okay, if you keep making fun of Brody-"  
"I'm not." Santana argued.   
  
"What's happening?" Adam asked, and Kurt put a finger to his mouth, shushing him for now. 'Later.' He mouthed.   
"I mean, I am. Just, not now." Santana added. "Okay, look, now that we're alone..." Kurt felt like he should hang up again, guilty to be listening in to what they were saying. "I want to talk to you about what I found in your bathroom trash can, underneath the wadded-up tissue paper, the used cotton swabs and the soiled acne wipes. An item which, unless Lady's Hummel's actually been a lady all these years, could have only be yours."  
Kurt put the pieces together and stared at the ground, Adam just stood there, confused and worried. 

"I don't know what you're talking about." Rachel answered.   
"Rachel... you're really not gonna tell me about the stick?" Kurt's heart sank at the girl's words, oh god...  
And when Rachel's voice came back, she was almost crying. "You had no right."  
"Rachel, I'm your friend, you can trust me. Just tell me what's going on." Santana assured her, and all Kurt could hear was crying. "Oh, God. You're gonna be okay. It's okay. It's gonna be okay."   
Kurt hung up the phone, feeling sick at the news that Rachel might be pregnant.   
  
"What's wrong? Is everyone ok?" Adam asked him, and Kurt remembered he was there, glancing between his phone and his boyfriend's worried face.   
"I-I need- I need to go home." He whispered.   
Adam nodded, calling them a taxi.  
  
\------------

"Finn?" Kurt asked, answering the phone as he headed into the loft, not seeing Rachel but noticing that Santana was on the sofa. "What's wrong?" He headed into his room, closing the curtain.   
"Hey, bro, are you busy?" Finn asked, sounding stressed.   
Kurt sighed. "I'm never too busy for you guys, what's wrong?"  
"I told Mr Shue..."  
"Oh... What-what did he say?" He asked, sitting on his bed.   
  
"He's totally pissed... you were right, it wouldn't help anything to tell him." Finn answered. "And, I mean, I helped him find Miss Pillsbury, and they're trying to work things out, but..."  
"Do you feel any better having told him? I'm sure a weight had been lifted right?" Kurt asked, curling his legs up under himself and picking at his jeans. So much was going on right now.   
Finn sighed. "I don't know, I guess, but at the same time, Mr Shue hates me, I don't know what to do."  
"Calm down, Finn. Look, I'm sure he'll come around soon, just try to relax. There's not much you can do to make him forgive you, so just ride it out and continue helping him where you can, you're doing good with the Glee club, and those kids seem to like you, Mr Shue will come around eventually."  
  
"You're right... thanks, Kurt, you're the best, man."  
"I know." Kurt joked. "Just relax, no good comes from stressing..."   
Finn huffed. "Says you."  
"Shut up, did you need anything else?" Kurt smiled.   
"Nah, that's it... thanks bro. I feel a little better."  
"No problem, I'll phone you in a couple days ok?"   
  
They said goodbye and he headed back out into the common space and over to the other two.   
"Sorry, Finn phoned." He explained, sitting on the sofa with them.   
"No problem." Adam smiled, taking his hand. "I should probably get back home though, if that's ok?"  
"Oh, yeah, of course." Kurt smiled, sharing a quick kiss with the other boy. "Message me when you're back safe, ok?"  
"Ok." Adam headed out. "Bye, Santana!"   
  
"Bye, Doctor Who." She answered, turning back to the TV.  
"Santana..." Kurt mumbled, looking down at the floor. "I need to ask you something."  
Santana raised a brow. "What is it Lady Hummel?" He sighed, curling up on the sofa and turning to face her. "Oh, is this a serious talk?"  
"I was thinking about it all the way home and... I wasn't gonna ask, but... my curiosity got the better of me."  
"Ok?" Santana folded her arms, waiting.  
  
"Rachel pocket-dialled me... I-I heard what you two were taking about." He admitted.   
Santana stared at him. "You can't tell her you know, ok? She's really worried about it as it is."  
"So... she's really pregnant?" He asked, worried for his best friend.   
Santana sighed. "We don't know yet, I'm taking her to the doctors tomorrow. She's out with that hairless boyfriend of hers at the moment. But you can't say anything-"  
"I won't, I promise..." He mumbled. "What... What else did you find? While looking around?"  
  
Santana watched him carefully, pausing, but shrugged, smiling. "Nothing. Why, you got things to hide?" She asked, looking back to the TV. She didn't tell him she'd found his cover-up in the bathroom, hidden under the sink. She didn't know exactly what it was for but she could guess a few things.   
"I just wondered." Kurt shrugged, cuddling up next to her. "Wanna put on a movie?"   
"I'll pick something on Netflix, if you want?" She asked, picking up the remote.   
  
"Sounds good..." He mumbled, still lost in his thoughts, worried for Rachel.   
"It's gonna be ok, Kurt... Rachel's strong and she has us." Santana told him softly, snuggling up to him and putting her arm around him.   
He nodded a little. "I know, I know I just..." He sighed. "I don't want her to have thrown her life away just because she wasn't careful..."   
"I know." Santana smiled a little, putting on a film.  
  
Half way through the movie and she couldn't concentrate, Kurt kept bouncing his leg and shifting around, unable to keep still. "Alright Hummel, stop it." She sat up properly, turning to him. "Your lip's bleeding!"   
He quickly pulled his teeth away from his bloody lip as Santana passed him a tissue. "Thanks... I'm sorry, I'm just worried..."  
  
"Look, when I go to the doctor's tomorrow, I can keep my phone on in my pocket, and you can listen in just to put your mind at ease, ok?" She offered and he nodded.   
"Thank you..." He mumbled.   
She sighed and smiled a little, sitting back and holding her arms open, he laid his head on her shoulder and cuddled back up, continuing the movie. 

\-----------

"Kurt..." Someone was shaking him and he groaned a little, comfy. "Come on, Lady Hummel, time to go to bed." Santana.   
He sighed, slowly opening his eyes and tiredly looking up at the girl that stood in front of him.   
"You look like shit, come on, time for bed, you're back will be all kinds of jacked up if you sleep there." She told him, folding her arms.   
He pushed himself up, and she caught him as he went dizzy, almost falling. "Woah..." He muttered, still half asleep.   
"You ok?" She asked, worried.   
  
He nodded. "I'm fine, I'm fine..." He let her lead him to his room and curled up on his bed.   
"Night, Kurt."  
"Night, San..." He mumbled, already half way back asleep as she closed the curtain.   
  
\-----------

He listened in to the call the next day, a bunch of doctor talk and Santana agreeing to stay outside the room while Rachel was in there, they chatted for a while and then Kurt heard a shuffling, Santana's phone being stuffed into her pocket.  
"False alarm." Rachel told her, and Kurt felt so relieved. 'Oh thank god...' He whispered to himself.   
"Thank God. I'm so happy." Santana hugged Rachel.   
"I'm so glad this is all over with." Rachel's voice came. "Thank you for taking me here today. All right, I'm gonna go to class."  
  
"Whoa, hey. That's it? That's all you have to say about this?"  
"Well, the doctor gave me the all-clear. What else is there?"  
"Rachel, you can't just blow past this like nothing ever happened." Santana told her and Kurt wiped his eyes so he could listen in. "This is a wake-up call. This is an opportunity for you to take a hard look at the choices that you're making, where your life is heading. Starting with Donkey Face."  
  
Kurt hung up after that. She wasn't pregnant, it was ok, everything was fine. He wiped his eyes again, laying back on his bed and looking up at his ceiling.   
Santana was right, Brody may not be a bad person, but Rachel was making some questionable choices. He was all for her growing, but she was changing a lot, sometimes he didn't recognise her, and he knew he started her down that road with the makeover and everything but she had some thinking to do.   
He phoned her. "Hi, Rach, wanna have a girly night tonight? I know Santana said she has plans?"  
  
"Oh my god, yes." Rachel breathed. "That'd be really nice, Kurt! My last class is at four, so I can come back to the loft straight away and it can just be me and you tonight, I need some time to reflect and stuff anyway."  
"Sounds good, I'll see you later." He smiled, happy he could help his best friend. "My last class is at 2, so I'll be home before you."  
"That's fine, just make sure you get the popcorn ready." They both laughed. "I'll see you later?"  
"See you later, Rachel." He smiled and she hung up.   
  
\------------

He didn't say anything to her about knowing about the pregnancy scare, but he made sure to spend the night hanging out with her. They made cookie dough and sung some songs, he did her hairs and braided her hair and she convinced him they should do face masks. He eventually agreed, knowing a recipe he'd found for face masks for sensitive skin, and they made it and put them on, watching TV while they chatted.   
It was a good night, a good distraction, and Kurt was glad Rachel seemed so much happier than she had the past couple days. He was glad to help her, to let her know he's here, and will always be here.   
  
"Oh, sorry it's Blaine." Kurt muttered as his phone rang. "I'll be back in a second." Rachel let him go from their cuddle and he headed into the bathroom, shutting the door. "Blaine?"   
"Hey, Kurt!" Blaine's cheery voice came. "What you up to right now?"  
Kurt sighed, perching on the edge of the bath. "Just hanging with Rachel, she's had a rough week."  
"Aww, tell her I hope she's ok!"  
  
"I will, um, so is there a specific reason you phoned or...?" He didn't want to be rude, but he just wanted to spend a night with Rachel and relax.  
Blaine sighed. "Well, yes, but do I need a reason?"  
"Well, no, but-"  
"Great, so, I have a problem. And I need to vent."  
  
Kurt nodded a little. "Ok... vent away..."  
"Coach Sue decided to forge a contract, claiming I signed it, and she's trying to force me to stay on the Cheerios even though I only joined for like, a day when I though Glee was over." Blaine explained.   
Kurt couldn't help but chuckle a bit. "Yeah, she does things like that."  
"Yeah, well, I told her no. She even talked about you!"  
"Me...?" Kurt muttered.   
"Yeah, she said she 'misses her Porcelain, because you were one of the best Cheerios she had and she wants another non-threatening gay on the team." Blaine mimicked her voice and Kurt laughed. "Kurt, I'm serious!" Blaine whined.   
  
"Sorry, sorry, look, maybe this is an opportunity." Kurt told him.   
"How so?"  
"Well, being on the Cheerios gives you an incite to Sue, and that might help stop her from attacking Glee." Kurt explained.   
"I'm not following..."  
Kurt sighed. "Look, one of her best tactics? Getting involved in Glee and attempting to take it down from the inside. Maybe you could use her method against her. You can be a mole, and you can get to know her plans and plots and be one step ahead of her."  
  
There was a moment silence. "That's brilliant, I can't believe I didn't think of that..." Blaine muttered. "You are, super smart, and you're right... I miss you."  
Kurt nodded a little, taking a moment before he decided to just tell him. "Adam and I are official..."  
Blaine hung up on him.   
"Blaine...?" He sighed, pulling his phone down and putting it in his pocket. He stared at the floor for a moment, before the thoughts he hadn't been able to go through with for the past couple days came to the surface again, and he turned, grabbing his razor and sliding to the floor, staring at it for a moment. He slowly pulled his sleeve up, placing the metal to his forearm, but he paused, his thoughts drifting to Adam, to Rachel and Santana, and as his thoughts settled on Blaine, he pulled the blade across, gasping in relief as the blood bubbled up, slowly dripping down.   
  
He had almost forgotten how much he needed this, the wash of relief that came over him.   
He wanted to be over Blaine, another cut. He wanted to only be able to focus on his relationship with Adam. Another cut. He wanted to focus on his studies, and work at Vogue, and try to feel better in general. Cut, cut, cut.   
He sighed when his phone rang, resting his head back on the side of the tub for a moment, before he picked his phone up.   
  
"Hey, Seb..." He smiled a little, looking at the fresh marks as he talked, bright red dripped down his arm and he found himself entranced by it.   
"Hey, princess, busy?"   
"Just hanging out with Rachel." He wiped his arm with a flannel, making sure the blood had stopped before he pulled his sleeve down and headed out of the bathroom. "What about you?"  
Sebastian sighed. "Warbler's practice, yeah we had some new moves to learn."  
  
"Sounds fun." Kurt smiled, walking to the sofa and seeing Rachel asleep. He pulled a cover over her, putting a pillow under her head and turning everyone off before heading into his room.   
"Should I let you get back to your roommate hang out?"   
Kurt chuckled. "Nah, Rachel fell asleep. Besides, I need a distraction right now."  
"I am wounded, is that all I am to you?" Sebastian joked.  
  
"Yep, obviously." Kurt chuckled and Sebastian laughed.   
"Why do you need a distraction anyway?" The other boy asked.   
Kurt shrugged. "It's just been one of them days. I'm fine."  
"Yep, I'm sure you are." Sebastian rolled his eyes.   
"I'm completely fine." Kurt insisted. He decided to change the subject before they got stuck on this one. "So, any plans for the evening?"  
  
"Nothing really, just gonna sit around and read I think." Sebastian answered, laying on his bed. Kurt hummed in response. "What?" Sebastian couldn't help but smile when he talked to the boy, he even felt all his stress from the day slowly leave him as he relaxed into his mattress.   
"Nothing~"  
Sebastian huffed. "Spill it, Hummel."  
"I'm just surprised you haven't gone to Scandals in a while, what's wrong, fallen for someone?" He joked.  
  
Sebastian smiled a little, his recent thoughts coming back to him. "Nah, it got boring." He mumbled.   
"Uh-huh, hard to believe but I'll take your work." Kurt chuckled, and Sebastian found himself smiling as he listened to the other boy. Kurt himself was feeling better than before, his thoughts taken off of Blaine, even as he lay on his front, resting on his newly cut up arm.   
"How's it going with Adam?" Sebastian asked, changing the subject.   
"Oh, well, we had a little bit of a thing, you remember Santana told him about the song me and Blaine used to sing?" Kurt began.   
  
"Yeah, 'Come What May'?" Sebastian asked, he wanted to be supportive of his friends new relationship, but for some reason he still felt that feeling he'd felt when Kurt had first told him about the other boy. He'd come to a conclusion that if Kurt was happy, he was happy. And he'd felt a bit better about the situation since then, plus he reminded himself he'd not actually met Adam before.   
"Wow, you do pay attention." Kurt smirked, laughing as Sebastian cursed at him in French. "So Adam came to find me at NYADA, and we had a discussion, I honestly thought that he was going to break up with me..."  
"Well what happened? I'm sure he didn't, I don't know why someone would wanna break up with you." Sebastian answered, freezing when he realised what he'd said. "I mean, surely they'd just cheat on you instead?"  
  
"Oof, low blow, Smythe." But Kurt smiled, knowing the other boy's words weren't harsh. "Nah, we're still together, we went and saw 'Hairspray' because it was a vintage week at the cinema, and he said that I'm like Link and he's like Tracy and I thought it was adorable, and we made that our film... So hopefully we're going to be ok."  
"Sounds like a fun night." Sebastian smiled, but his mind wondered to Kurt playing Link in Hairspray and he could actually see it happening. "Any new auditions coming up?"  
"Not for me." Kurt sighed. "Rachel has an audition for 'Funny Girl' soon though."  
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that, did you help her decide a song yet?"   
  
"I think she's forgotten about it to be honest, she's been a bit stressed recently." Kurt admitted.   
Sebastian nodded. "Why, what happened?"  
Kurt smiled, Sebastian was a good person to talk to, he asked questions and tried to make the conversation even, he genuinely cared about what was happening in Kurt's life and it was so different to the boy he'd known at school. "Just a small scare, I don't know what's gonna happen, but I think she's considering her relationship with Brody."  
"Ooo, gossip~" Sebastian joked. "Seriously though, I hope she's ok."  
  
Kurt nodded. "Yeah, yeah, she's ok, I spent the night hanging out with her to help her feel better." He explained. "Do you know when you're next visiting?"   
"Well, I think I MAY have decided on a college, so I'm gonna come back soon and have another look around, deadlines are soon so I need to make sure I've made the right choice. Plus Isabelle is nagging me to come visit." Sebastian answered. "We can hang out again while I'm there, if you're not busy?"  
"Of course we can, I'll make sure I have a couple days off." Kurt smiled, and Sebastian felt that same warm feeling he'd felt when Kurt hugged him wash over him when Kurt giggled a little. "Oh, and you can meet Adam! I think you two will get along really well."   
  
Sebastian nodded a little, his smile faltering slightly but he just reminded himself that Kurt was happy, plus at least if he met Adam he could see if he was actually good for the other boy. "I'm sure we will."   
"Yay." Kurt joked, chuckling again, and Sebastian smiled, just happy to be able to make Kurt laugh so much. It was a nice sound, and he knew Kurt had been struggling, well, ever since he found him having a panic attack in the alleyway outside Lima Bean, hell he'd probably noticed before that, with the way Kurt had been acting when he'd first spoken to him. 

\------------

"Well, well, well, I see that of Donkey Face's crap is still here." Santana walked over, folding her arms. "And if Donkey Face's crap is here, then that means that he must be as well."   
Rachel sighed. "Lay off of it, Santana, all right? I told you, he said that he got a job as a cater waiter on the side, and he was embarrassed about it, so he kept it a secret."  
Santana shot a look to Kurt, who simply looked down, not wanting to be involved. He liked Brody, but there was something wrong. He'd come to that conclusion, but he wasn't going to assume anymore, people had done that to him too much and he'd be a hypocrite if he did it to Brody without more proof than a wad of cash and a pager.

"Why? I mean, if he can make that much cash slinging sweaty cold cuts and room temp champagne, then we should all apply there." Santana asked.   
"Hey, look, he's just trying to make it in New York the same way that you and I are." Rachel shook her head a little at the other girl. Kurt knew where they were both coming from, especially with the pregnancy scare. "I don't why that is so hard for you to understand. You keep trying to bring him down."

"Look, at this point it's less about him than it is about you. I went to school with Rachel Berry. Not the soggy mess of a woman that stands before me today, going back and forth between your flop high school ex-"  
"Hey, that;s my brother." Kurt told her, but let her continue.   
"-and that terrifying "waiter with a pager." Santana shrugged. "You need to stop and focus, Berry."  
  
"I think you're wrong about him." Rachel told her outright. She did like Brody a lot, but she needed to think about this properly. Kurt knew what Santana was trying to say, in her own way she was trying to help Rachel, but he knew the other girl wouldn't listen. He knew he was going to be bought into the middle of this as well, a place he really didn't want to have to be.   
"My psychic Mexican third eye is never wrong. Am I wrong about you?" Santana argued, and Rachel paused.   
  
Just as Kurt was about to speak up and simmer the situation back down, his phone began to ring. Wow, he was popular this week. "I'll be back in a minute, don't kill each other." He warned them, heading out onto the balcony. "Hello?"   
"Kurt...? Hi, it's Unique."  
"Unique? Oh, my god, hi!" Kurt smiled, not having heard from the girl since he'd helped with auditions for Glee at the start of the school year. That felt like a lifetime ago. "How can I help?"  
"Sam gave me your number, I hope that's alright?"  
  
"It's completely fine." Kurt smiled, perching on the cold steps of the fire escape. There was still frost in the air after all. Maybe he should have bought a blanket or cardigan with him.   
"I'm having a bit of trouble and I was wondering if you could give me some advice? You know, you and Mercedes helped me out so much when I was in Vocal Adrenaline, but I don't want to bother you-"  
"You could never bother me." Kurt chuckled. "What's wrong?"  
Unique sighed. "Well, one of the kids in Glee said some things to me and it's sorta gotten to me a bit..."   
  
"What did he say?" Kurt asked softly, waiting for her to explain.   
"Well, I wanted to defend my girl, Marley. He kissed her when he KNOWS she's dating Jake, so I confronted him, and he... he said some things about me not being a girl, he kept calling me dude, and refused to accept that I am a woman." She explained.   
Kurt nodded. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, Unique, but you know I wish I could tell you that one day it won't happen, but there will always be bigots out there, it's just about learning that no matter what they say, only you can know why you really are." He explained.   
  
"I'm just worried because we're in Glee together, I thought everyone was accepting of it, ya know?"  
Kurt smiled. "I know, what did you say to him?"  
"I just walked away, I couldn't be dealing with it. Sam saw me looking upset and that's when I asked for your number." She explained.   
"Look, I know it's hard, and I can assure you I had my fair share of bullying, even from people in Glee, and I can lie and say it'll be 100% ok from now on, and nobody in Glee will joke about the situation or be confused, but it doesn't happen like that. At the end of the day you all will become a family, and even if people still make jokes and stuff, as you go on you'll realise it's more from a place of caring than torment." He sighed. "I'm sorry if that doesn't sound fun-"  
  
"No, no, I understand." Unique answered. "I just need to wait until it becomes friendly banter instead of cruel jokes..."  
"Not necessarily." Kurt told her, glancing inside to Rachel and Santana. "But sometimes you have to use people words to boost you forward, prove them wrong. At the end of the day? You know who you are, Unique, and even if other people don't see that? You shouldn't let them try and tell you who you are and who you can be."  
"Thank you so much, Kurt, I honestly feel a lot better now, and you're right, only I can tell myself who I am, and I am Unique." She chuckled and he couldn't help but smile. "But I'm still doing a feud song with him."  
"Of course~" Kurt chuckled and she laughed.   
  
"We need to meet up again at some point and hang out, if-if that's ok with you, obviously." Unique told him and he nodded.   
"That would be great, I'm happy I could help."   
They both said goodbye and he headed back inside, the cold from outside settling into his bones and making him shiver.   
  
\-----------

Kurt chuckled, showing one of the girls a move she was struggling with. "Just try not to get dizzy." He explained, spinning on the spot. "Better." He smiled.   
Brody regrouped them together and asked them to run through the number from the top, they all got in their places and began. Kurt had been confused when Brody asked him to help with a dance number, but he was up for hanging out with the other boy and get away from the constant bicker at the loft, besides, it'd help hone his dance skills even more. Cassie had said he was doing really well in class, he was actually capable of a lot more than he thought he'd been when at McKinley.  
  
"Come on, guys, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, please." Brody sighed. "This is not gonna cut it with Cassie, okay?" Kurt and one of the girls shared a look and he tried not to laugh. His eyes caught the sight of someone else entering though and he paused. "Let's do it from the top."  
"Just don't get too close, girls." Santana interrupted, her arms folder and her signature 'I'm on a mission' step to her walk. "Unless you're immune to the herps."  
  
Kurt tried to hide in the back near the window, but Santana saw him, turning back to Brody. "Help me out, Lady Hummel."  
He walked over to her. "Santana, you can't be here-"  
"You got my back, or not?" She asked him, raising a brow. He clenched his jaw, looking away. "That's what I thought."  
He knew she was going to go all Lima Heights on Brody, and he couldn't bring himself to look up from the floor to the boy. 

"Take five." Brody told the girls, smiling at Santana and Kurt. "How did you get in here?"  
"Don't apply logic to Lopez. And if what I just saw is any indication, I can get in here any time I want." She replied, smiling. Brody glanced to Kurt, but he just looked away, his eyes trained on the floor. He didn't want to be here, but he couldn't escape now. "I've got moves your mannequin ass couldn't handle.  
Brody chuckled. "Do you know what your problem is, Santana?" He stepped forward, accepting the challenge. "You're loud and you're rude, and you think that attitude equals talent."

"Another thing I am: a hardcore friend." Santana told him, getting in his face. "Rachel and Kurt are my family, and I can smell your sketchiness from here. So let me tell you how it's gonna be. You're gonna move out of our apartment tonight or I can dig a little deeper and destroy you."   
Kurt assumed at this point she forgot he was there, and he glanced to the door, hoping to just disappear, but she'd called him family... he didn't think any of them thought of him that way.   
  
"You're all talk and no proof." Brody was just digging himself deeper. Kurt shook his head a little at the boy, no, don't rise to Santana.   
She shrugged. "Don't need proof. I know exactly what you are." She turned to the girls. "Yo, fly girls, can I get some backup? If you're any kind of dancer, this one should be in your bones." She shot a pointed look at Kurt and he shook his head, he didn't want to be involved, but she came over to him, dragging him over to the group to help her sing and dance with the other girls.   
He shot an apologetic look to Brody, but joined in on the girl's rendition of 'Cold Hearted', matching Santana's movements and her key perfectly. 

When they were done Santana glared at the boy. "Pack your bags." Was all she told him, before walking out.   
Brody looked to Kurt, who froze, unsure what to do as everyone looked at him. "Look Brody-"  
"Not your fault, Kurt." Brody shrugged. "Girls, take ten, get yourself a drink or something at the cafe. Kurt... come back tomorrow, I just need some time to think right now and you already know the routine."  
Kurt nodded a little. "O-ok..." He mumbled, walking to the door and grabbing his hoodie and bag, pulling it over his shoulder and heading out the door without looking back.   
  
He spotted Santana leaving down the corridor, but just walked into the bathroom, locking himself in one of the stalls and shakily opening his bag. Some stuff clattered to the floor and he knelt down, quickly trying to shove them back into his bag. He angrily wiped at his eyes, roughly trying to push the tears away. He looked for his razor, spotting it on the floor and grabbing it quickly, yanking his shirt up over his head and throwing it to the floor, bringing the blade to the top of his stomach, dragging it across and sobbing to himself.   
It reminded him of school almost, on the occasion he'd break down and spend a lesson in the bathroom crying. He brought the blade back, not feeling enough relief, so he did it again, and again and again. He didn't count, he just needed to feel relief, feel better.  
  
He curled up, his blade falling to the floor as he pulled his legs to his chest and buries his face in them, wrapping his arms around his head and crying his heart out. Thank god classes were out for the day at this time.   
He didn't know how long it took until he had no tears left, but his head was pounding and his eyes stung as he raised his head from his knees when his phone started ringing.   
He pulled it up, answering. "Hello...?"   
"Kurt? What's wrong?" Sebastian asked.   
"Nothing..." He muttered, he just felt exhausted now, maybe he should have waited until he got home before breaking down. "What's up?"  
  
"You don't sound ok, princess..." Sebastian told him straight and Kurt sighed softly.   
"I'm fine." He put a smile into his voice, but it felt alien at the moment. "Are you ok?"  
"Yeah, just thought I'd phone, where are you? It sounds different."   
Kurt looked at the cramped bathroom stall. "NYADA." He answered simply.   
"Still?"  
"Just helping Brody with a dance routine." Kurt shrugged. "I should probably head back to the loft." He quickly pulled his phone away, checking his texts and seeing a few from Rachel.   
  
"I can phone you back later if that's better?" Sebastian asked.   
Kurt sighed. "Yeah, that'd be good..."  
"Are you sure you're ok, Hummel...?"   
Kurt nodded a little. "I'm fine. I'll talk later, bye." He waited for Sebastian to say bye before hanging up and looking around him for his stuff. 

He packed it all into his bag, running a hand through his hair and pulling his legs away from his chest, the dried blood ripping at his skin and he bit his lip before he could shout out in pain. His eyes watered at the pain and he quickly ripped it the rest of the way, putting his hands over his mouth, muffling a pained groan.   
He breathed for a moment, before he grabbed his oversized hoodie, pulling it on over his cold limbs and zipping it up, grabbing his bag and stuffing the razor back into his secret pocket before standing. He fell into the door of the cubicle, his head rushing and dizzy and he clenched his eyes shut for a moment to try and readjust. It took longer than usual, but he managed to feel better, opening the door and heading out, just ready to go home.   
  
\------------

"Guess who just got a job tending bar at the Coyote Ugly saloon down on First Street?" Santana asked with a smile as she walked into the loft. "Hopefully it bodes better for me than any of the has-beens who starred in that movie."  
"Santana, if you'd just take a seat, please and join us for a little family loft conversation." Rachel responded. Her and Kurt had talked about the situation, and Rachel wasn't happy.   
Santana shrugged, sitting down. "Creepy, but okay."

"We just got off the phone with Brody." Rachel told her, annoyed.  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
"You confronted him at NYADA with a Paula Abdul song!" Kurt reminded her, folding his arms over his fresh marks and pushing down. "You can't just march on in there and like, act all crazy, okay? We go to school there."

Santana shrugged. "That was the best performance that place has seen in years."  
"We want you to move out." Rachel told her, and Kurt looked down.   
"You're joking."  
He shook his head. "We're not..." He mumbled, looking back up to the girl.   
Santana glared at him. "Olsen twins, let me tell you something. I have known you both for years, and I don't like either of you 90% of the time. In fact, your wide-eyed, Keane painting approach of life makes my teeth hurt and my breasts ache with rage, but you know what, I have love for you. You're my family, and I haven't lied to you in months. I'm smarter about other people than the both of you."

Rachel shook her head and Kurt stayed silent, he didn't want to do this, he didn't want to be involved. "Santana, you're making Brody feel uncomfortable, okay? And he was here first, so you either lay off of it or you move out."  
Santana shrugged, standing. "Fine. That's fine." She started grabbing things. "You know what, I don't-I don't mind going. I ran into Lena Dunham at Barney's, and she told me that I could crash with her if I ever needed to, so that's cool cuz she has two Golden Globes." She turned to them. "Oh, you know what, and another thing. I have what Access Hollywood calls street smarts. I'm right about plastic man." She headed to the door, stumbling as she went out of it and left without closing it.   
"I'm pretty sure she just stole my comforter." Rachel mumbled.   
He nodded. "Bitch took my pillow."  
  
\------------  
  
"Oh god, what fresh hell..." Kurt muttered later on that night as his phone rang. This week had been a roller coaster and this day seemed to last forever. "Hi, Blaine, what's up?" He asked, his voice giving away that he didn't want to talk to anyone.  
"Hi, Kurt, I just wanted to thank you for the advice. It worked! I'm on the Cheerios, AND, I'm captain."   
"Congratulations." Kurt replied, too exhausted to put more effort into the conversation. "Look, now's not really a good time, Bl-"  
"I have to go Kurt, but we should talk soon, bye!" He hung up before Kurt could say anything else.   
  
He sighed, pulling his phone back down and looking at it as he got a text. He checked it, a picture of Blaine winking at him, flirty in his cheer leading uniform. Kurt shook his head, choosing to ignore it. He almost growled when another buzz came through, but it was Finn phoning him, so he tried to put on a happy front. He was honestly just too tired at this point, he'd even phoned Sebastian to tell him he was too tired to talk tonight and he'd phone him tomorrow. "Hi, Finn."  
  
"Hey, Kurt... Um, listen, I need to ask your advice on something." Finn sounded unsure and Kurt headed into his room with his coffee, curling up on his bed.   
"Of course, what's wrong?" He asked, running a hand over his face before picking his coffee back up and taking a large swig, not caring that it burnt.   
"What do you think about college?"  
Kurt shrugged. "Um, it's hard work but worth it."  
  
"No, for me, I mean what do you think of college... for me?" Finn clarified.   
"Oh..." Kurt nodded. "I think if you've found something you want to do then you're smart enough to do it."  
"Well, I realised something today." Finn told him and Kurt waited for him to explain. "I wanna be a teacher."  
Kurt smiled. "I actually think that's perfect for you... is this because of Glee?"  
"Yeah, yeah, teaching everyone while Mr Shue was away was fun and, and I think I was pretty good at it, ya know?"   
  
Kurt smiled. "Yeah, I'm happy you found something you want to do."  
"Thanks, Kurt... Look, I've got to go, I have some... stuff to do, but we need to meet up some time soon, yeah?"  
"Yeah, yeah, we'll talk soon." Kurt smiled. "See ya later... bro."  
Finn laughed and said goodbye and Kurt hung up. A teacher? It seemed somewhat perfect for Finn.  
  
\------------  
  
"Are you sure you haven't heard from him?" Rachel asked him.  
He sighed. "Rachel, it's only been a couple days..." He shrugged, but walked over, sitting next to her.   
She shook her head, on the verge of tears. "No, he doesn't just disappear ok? What if I did something...?"  
He hugged the girl, he was honestly worried about her, and about Brody. Nobody had heard from him for a few days, and with no explanation either.   
  
She got up after a few minutes, wiping her eyes and reminding him she needed to head to NYADA. He nodded, offering a small smile. "If you need me just phone, ok?"  
"I will." Rachel nodded, smiling back. "Thank you, Kurt..."  
He shrugged. "Don't worry, I'm sure everything's ok."   
  
Once Rachel was gone, he grabbed his phone, calling the other boy. He didn't answer, and he quickly typed out a text.   
  
'Kurt - We need to talk.'  
  
He didn't know if he'd get a response, after all the boy had fully disappeared, and he didn't know if something had happened, or if he'd left Rachel without telling her. Or, something he didn't want to think about, Santana hadn't stopped bothering him.   
  
'Brody - I'm in town. 3.30?'  
  
'Kurt - that's fine, where?'  
  
'Brody - old warehouse, there's a coffee shop, it's near campus.'

'Kurt - fine.'  
  
'Brody - don't tell Rachel... or Santana.'

Kurt sighed, that only made it more obvious that something had happened, especially in terms of the whole Santana conspiracy he'd been thinking about. He would go meet the other boy though, Rachel deserved some answers, and he was pretty pissed at the guy in all honesty, and while he seemed to be a pushover and the mother of the group, he wasn't someone you wanted to piss off.   
He looked to the clock, he had almost an hour to get there, so he'd need to go now. He grabbed his coat and left the loft. 

\------------

"We couldn't meet at NYADA or the loft?" Kurt mumbled, sitting across from the other boy.   
Brody shook his head a little, looking up at Kurt, who let out a slight gasp. "I have my reasons."  
"What happened? Santana couldn't-"  
"No. But she could get someone else to." Brody frowned, but at Kurt's surprised face he realised the other boy wasn't in on what had happened. "Finn."  
Kurt stared at him for a moment, thoroughly confused. "Finn was here? In New York?"   
  
Brody nodded. "Look, I don't blame you for what happened, but why didn't you tell Santana to stop?"  
Kurt sighed, looking down at his hands around the cup of coffee. He shrugged a little. "Because I don't like fighting with my friends." He looked back to Brody. "Because I didn't want to be involved... and because I'm a coward." He looked back to the table, a sad smile coming over his face.   
"You? A coward?" Brody let out a tiny laugh, the only sign of not being pissed Kurt had seen. "You're literally the fiercest person I know."  
  
Kurt sighed. "I should be pissed at you. Rachel's completely falling apart, she doesn't know why you suddenly disappeared. And neither do I."  
"It's good you care about her so much." Brody nodded. "Look, I love Rachel, I love spending time with you guys and hanging out at the loft and the double date we had with you and Adam. And I want to do right by her, but... Santana threatened me, and as you can see;" He motioned to his bruised face. "It worked a charm."  
"I'm gonna need more detail, Brody... Why did Santana do what she did?" Kurt asked softly, hoping to get some sort of incite into what was happening.   
  
Brody glanced around and looked like he wouldn't say anything, but nodded a little. "Look, before I say anything, I know one of the reasons you're probably not doing anything about being pissed at me, but I promise, I haven't told anyone, and I won't tell anyone your..." He paused for a second. "Even if you beat the hell out of me right here and went and told Rachel everything I'm about to tell you, I wouldn't tell."  
"You really think I could beat you up?" Kurt joked softly.  
Brody smiled. "I really do, honestly, you're so much tougher than most people I've met, even if people don't see it." His smile fell and he looked down. "And you may end up doing just that after I tell you this..."  
  
Kurt paused for a moment, but placed his hand on the other boys. "Whatever it is, I've known you for a while now and I know it was... probably justified..."  
Brody sighed. "Ok... when I came to New York, I didn't have any money, you know, all my savings had gone to NYADA, I needed to make rent, even dorms can be expensive when your parents aren't paying for them. So, I tried a few odd jobs, nothing paid well, and I couldn't really afford to eat, rent, everything together, so I was skipping a lot of meals just to pay rent. And my roommate told me about a job..." He paused, and Kurt waited, showing an understanding look. He knew how difficult it was to pay for anything in New York. "It was... demeaning, and dirty, and I hate it. But it makes good money, and I can afford to pay rent, and eat, and take Rachel out..."  
"What is it?" Kurt asked softly.   
  
"...I spend nights with wealthy women." Brody explained.  
Kurt frowned, not knowing what he had been expecting. "Oh..."  
"But, but I made sure when me and Rachel started this thing that we knew it was an open relationship. I know we said we'd be honest about who we'd been with, but I was worried she'd be hurt, or that she'd break up with me. I really like her." Brody quickly explained.   
Kurt nodded a little jaggedly, but didn't say anything, waiting for the other boy to continue. 

I got a call the other night, a client... so she booked us a hotel room and I went there, and when I got there Santana ambushed me..."

\------------

"Good evening, Vicky. Santana. How did you-?"  
"I told you. This is what I do."  
"You can't tell Rachel. Please, I'm not proud of this."  
"Save it. I think there's someone more important that you should convince tonight."  
  
Finn walked in, nodding to Brody a little. 

Santana nodded. "Okay. Well, I am going to leave you two alone for a little girl talk. Have fun."  
The smirk she'd sent his way, like she was proud of this. And she left, and Finn and him were alone. "Listen, I can explain this-"  
"Shut your mouth. After tonight... you're a ghost. You disappear from her life forever. No good-byes, nothing."  
"I love her."

"But she doesn't really even know who you are. Yet."  
He wanted to protect her, he didn't want to hurt her. "You can't tell her."  
And that was when Finn attacked him, breaking things in the room in rage, leaving the bruises all over his face and body. And the kicker of it all; "Stay away from my future wife!"  
  
\------------  
  
"So I'm staying away." He shrugged solemnly.   
"I'm sorry." Kurt muttered, surprising himself but obviously not as much as Brody with that confused look. "I'll talk to Finn, he's my brother after all, though I'm not sure what good it'll do-"  
Brody shook his head. "Don't worry. Just make sure Rachel's ok..." And before Kurt could say anything else he got up and walked out.   
  
Kurt sat there for a while, mulling it over. Brody should have been honest to Rachel, he knew that, but he honestly had loved her and he was just trying to pay rent. He didn't deserve to get the hell beat out of him by Finn. Kurt was still pissed, but at this point he didn't really know who at. So he finished his drink, realising this was probably the last time he was going to see Brody again, and headed back to the loft.   
When he walked in Santana and Rachel were chatting on the sofa and he walked over, putting his jacket down.   
  
"Hi, Kurt." Rachel offered a sad smile. "Where did you go? I thought you were going to binge watch Star Trek today?"   
Kurt looked to Santana, disappointment evident to the other girl, though Rachel didn't seem to notice. "Just went to get coffee." He put on a smile, taking her hand. "Feeling better?"  
She shrugged. "Not really..."  
He took a second to think it over and sat next to her, letting her put her head on his shoulder. "Look, I know it's rough, and it's looking like Brody might not come back... But you still have us." He smiled at her. "We all have each other and I know we've both got your best interests at heart. I know it hurts, but if he doesn't want to stick around, it's his loss... right?"  
  
Rachel smiled a little and Kurt glanced to Santana, who at least looked a little guilty. "I love you guys." Rachel told him as she hugged him.   
"How about a girls night?" Kurt asked, hoping to just distract everyone from the conversation.   
"Anything other than Star Trek." Santana smirked, making Kurt roll his eyes. "Didn't peg you for a sci-fi nerd."   
Kurt shrugged. "Lot's of things you don't know about me." He stood. "Pick a movie, I'm going to go get changed." He headed into his room and grabbed some clothes before heading into the bathroom and locking the door. So much was going on at the moment, and he needed relief. 


	18. Guilt

Kurt was used to guilt. After all, he had a lot of guilt in his life. His every day activities left him feeling guilty, whether it was something beyond his control like the subway breaking down, or he forgot to leave enough water in the kettle for his roommates, or he accidentally bumped into someone on the street, to bigger things, like forgetting to text someone back or missing a phone call with his dad, or sleeping in for an extra ten minutes because he'd been at the club the night before.   
  
Because, even things that seem normal and excusable become guilt ridden when you spend your life hiding so much, and things you enjoy become guilty pleasures when you're so used to hiding things anyway. After all, his main stress relief was cutting into his own skin, or sitting outside in the cold a bit too long, or drinking. And nobody knew. He wouldn't let them, and since Brody wouldn't be round anymore, he just had to be careful nobody else found out about those particularly hurtful guilty pleasures. Because after all, they DID send shivers over him, they did bring a wave of relief, and they did make him feel better. As unhealthy as these coping mechanisms, these guilty pleasures were, he didn't want to stop. 

"See, everybody, by acting out our secret shames, like Carly's traumatic sense-memory of potty training, we become more vulnerable as actors." His tutors thoughts bought him out of his own head for a moment and the tutor looked to him. "Kurt, you're up."  
He nodded, heading up to the front and giving them some spiel about something he'd just made up on the spot, after all he'd gotten quite used to lying. 'You want to see some real acting? You're looking at it, because this is nothing compared to my real guilty secrets.' He thought as he looked at everyone, reacting just how he thought they would. Good, he didn't need them knowing his real secrets. 

And as a gay man, there were so many to pick from. Like his obsessive marathons of powerhouse women, Golden Girls, Murder She Wrote, Moonlighting, Designing Women. Or his very private Sweatin'  
to the Oldies sessions on DVD with the uncompromising Richard Simmons, it had become a new way to exercise when nobody was home and there was just no way he could bring himself to venture outside that day, because the outside was just too much. Too bright, too loud, too many people. But he still needed to exercise, so he'd go for hours on end until he felt like collapsing.   
But his most secret, his most guilty pleasure of late? At least the least harmful one?

His boyfriend arm. He ordered it online one night while on Ambien. He knew it was a little bit Jeffrey Dahmer, but what could he say? He loved being held in Bruce's warm, non-judgemental embrace. And yes, he named him Bruce. That was his real guilty secret, and if anyone ever found out, especially Adam when they spent nights together, which had become less and less because Kurt was anxious about Adam finding things out, finding EVERYTHING out. The cutting, the non-eating, the exercise and running... and Bruce. Or God forbid, Blaine, or even Rachel and Santana, it would totally destroy him.  
His friends spent a lot of time on themselves, and he loved them but sometimes they would say things to him and not consider his feelings on it. Like Santana's harsh words, or Rachel's self-involvement. 

\------------

"Okay, this is ridiculous." Santana told him as she looked through the shelves in the bathroom. "If I'm going to be paying a third of the rent, I'm going to be needing a third of the shelf space."  
Kurt rolled his eyes as he brushed his teeth, watching the girl in the mirror. So far, he was yet to see any rent from the other girl, but he was giving her the benefit of the doubt.   
"Don't get too comfortable, okay? This is only temporary." Rachel called out as she stepped into the shower. The noise of the water cut the other two out.   
"I don't even think you need all these beauty products, Rachel, 'cause they're not really having the desired effect. Unless you goal is to look like a reject from the Shahs of Sunset." Santana muttered, looking through the products. 

"One, Rachel's beautiful. Two, you're a bitch, and those are my products, okay?" Kurt threw right back at her, not having her putting Rachel down so much. He didn't care when it was himself, he could keep it all inside and let it out later, but he wouldn't have his friends talking about each other like that. And he had learned over the years that the best way to deal with Santana was to be real and blunt and take no crap. Apparently he seemed the best at this, but it could be difficult. "And maybe if you used them, you wouldn't have more oil than the Middle East on your face."  
Santana chuckled, walking over. "Ooh. That's really funny. You want to play with me, Kurt?" She asked, folding her arms. "Cuz I can play all day every day. What if I just told your BFF about her BF and his man-whoring ways?"

He glared at her in the mirror. "We had a pact." He'd agreed to do a lot of things he probably shouldn't for the girl in exchange for her not telling Rachel anything, like covering shifts at her job and doing her chores around the loft. Stuff he shouldn't have had to agree to, but he just didn't want Rachel to be upset.   
"What if I broke that pact, huh? What would you do?" Santana challenged. "Attack me with your exfoliating loofah?"  
Kurt turned to her, knowing he could cut her down with his words so much more than she could do to him, but that wouldn't solve anything. "Okay, she can't find out until after her Funny Girl audition, all right?" He tried to bargain, feeling stuck in this situation. "That would wreck her."  
  
"Maybe if you made me some space, I'd care a little bit more." Santana raised a brow. "I want that whole top row."  
Another thing to add to the list of what Santana was making him do, holding the Rachel and Brody issue above his head. And he KNEW she would eventually tell the girl, she had never been one for keeping her mouth shut when needed, but if he could delay it for now? He would try. Even if the extra work Santana was making him do was just adding so much more stress to his already overworked schedule, he would do anything for his friends, regardless of what it meant would happen to himself. 

Santana left and he finished brushing his teeth, waiting for Rachel to be done in the shower and leave the bathroom. He told her he was going to tidy up and locked the door after she was gone, grabbing his razor and pulling his shirt off, placing it on the side and bringing the blade to his stomach, making new cuts slowly into himself, a neat row of angry red lines that slowly bubbled up with blood, a couple releasing droplets of red that dribbled down his pale skin.   
He sighed a little, honestly too tired to have a full blown binge due to everything he was doing at the moment. But he made another row on his hip, wincing a little more as it tugged tighter there, but it was just as relieving as the rest. It was just a different feeling. 

He hung out in there for another twenty minutes, the girls would probably think he was just having a shower. And he cleaned off a shelf for Santana, putting his products with his other ones on the next shelf down and sighing. He knew he shouldn't let Santana manipulate him, she'd gotten worse since living together with them. She'd always had her own way of showing she cared, but when they were on the Cheerios, she knew not to be like this with him, she respected him and they were very close regardless of what everyone else thought. He didn't know if it was because she'd lost Brittany, or because they just weren't in High School anymore, but she was getting worse. 

He pulled his pyjama top back on, checking for blood to clean up and making sure there was no evidence before he headed back out into the loft and into his area, pulling the curtain across.   
He curled up in bed, hearing the other two talking.  
"Ooh la la. Rachel Berry in a towel. How could Brody give all that up?"  
"You know what, not now, okay. It's too soon." Rachel's voice retorted.   
  
Kurt shook his head, it had been a long day. A coffee date with Adam that morning, NYADA classes all day, including a rough class with Cassie where he just couldn't seem to be on his game, back to Bushwick and a run around the park, exercising in the loft, then getting ready and going to Vogue.com for an evening shift, before heading back to the loft again, doing Santana's chores while she watched TV, and then the whole conversation in the bathroom that had just happened. He grabbed Bruce, pulling him round him and curling up to sleep, knowing he'd only wake up in a couple hours anyway and not be able to get back to sleep, but his eyes stung and his mind was foggy and he just wanted to sleep.   
  
As he was drifting off, he heard a little of their conversation, but didn't pay much attention to it as he was already half asleep.   
"Everything still reminds me of him. You know we first met in the bathroom, bonding over our moisturising ritual?"  
"Wow, that sounds really not romantic and also very, very gay. Is that why he left, huh? Did he finally admit to having a boyfriend on the side?"  
"You know, he actually didn't even say why." She explained about her little run in with Brody, but Kurt was already mostly drifted off.   
"Puke. That is the most clichéd breakup line ever. You're not gonna be friends, and you don't need him. I mean, you've got friends right here."

"What? Friends who mock my looks and undermine my confidence?" Ouch, ok maybe Santana did that, but he didn't. He let himself drift to all the way to sleep.   
But he woke to the sound of voices and sleepily pushed himself up, annoyed at being woken. "What the hell is that?!" Rachel asked.   
"Oh, my God, the curtain means privacy!" He told them.   
"Oh, my God, Kurt. That thing is really creepy." Santana told him and they both walked over, great, just what he needed..  
"What is that?" Rachel asked, looking at Bruce and Kurt huffed. 

"I thought it was stupid the first time I saw it, too, but I kept thinking about the ad. You know, 'Are you lonely? Do you need companionship?', 'Yes, yes, I need all those things.' It just offers you a nice, protective arm around you while you sleep at night." He explained, earning sympathetic looks from the girls. He knew he had Adam, and they loved each other, but Kurt had been scared to spend the night with the boy more than a night or two a week, purely out of fear he would find out. So Bruce was a good substitute, plus it wasn't like he was cheating or anything...

"Hey, I mean, it's probably safer than trolling Grindr for a man-whore." Santana shrugged.   
"Did you name it?" Rachel asked, perching on the bed next to him.  
He glared at her for a moment, obviously tired. "His name is Bruce, and we're exclusive. So you cannot borrow him." He shooed them out of his room. "And the peeing the bed trick is really old school. If you start a prank war, I will END you." He told them bluntly. "Ok, I grew up with my dad, and you can ask Finn about my revenge pranks, trust me you don't want to mess around with pranks." He told them. "And from now on, if the curtain is pulled, DON'T come in!" He told them bitchily, pulling the curtain across again and going back to bed. 

\------------

So, maybe in order to make himself feel more normal and less stupid after his roommates had found out about his boyfriend pillow, or maybe to just include them and show them how comfy and comforting it was, Kurt had spent a few hours the next day - in between all his other tasks - with his sewing machine, making the girls some pillow arms as well.  
"Oh, my gosh." Santana smiled, blindfolded as Kurt placed the pillow over her neck.   
"No peeking." Kurt chuckled, placing Rachel's over her neck as well. "And..."  
Rachel jumped a little. "Oh."

"I'm peeking." Santana told him, going for her blindfold. "Peek, peek, peek, peek, peek."  
The girls took off their blindfold and laughed. "Oh, my God." Rachel laughed.   
"Kurt, you gave my boyfriend pillow a sex change!" Santana grinned, looking at her altered pillow. "That's so sweet."  
"A little perfume and voilà." Kurt smiled, shrugging a little. 

Santana looked to him. "If you ever tell anyone about this, I have no ethical problems with Hummel-cide." She warned him before wandering to the DVD rack to find a film for them to watch.   
"You don't seem as excited about yours." Kurt raised a brow at Rachel.   
"This is weird, and I'm not lonely." Rachel told him, taking the pillow off and putting it down. Kurt frowned a little, he had spent time on that for her. "Okay, I don't need anything to cuddle with. Just 'cause Brody moved out doesn't mean that we're not gonna get back together."

Kurt looked to Santana, not knowing what to say. "Okay, no." The Latina folded her arms, turning back to Rachel.   
"What?" Rachel asked, looking between the two. Kurt shook his head at Santana, pleading silently with her, but it was no use.   
"I'm sorry. It is over, and it's gonna stay over." Santana shrugged. "I was wrong about Brody being a drug dealer, but I was just wrong about what he was selling. Your boyfriend wasn't a cater-waiter, he was gigolo. Like Magic Mike with happy endings for money."

Rachel looked to Kurt, who was just looking down at his lap, trying to ignore her look. "That's not true, right?" She asked him and he glanced up a little, unable to anything, so he just let out a soft sigh. "You didn't... you didn't know about that. It's not true, right? Right?"   
He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it and looked back down as Rachel stood and stormed off.   
"You're welcome." Santana called after her.   
  
Kurt looked to her. "Why did you have to do that?"   
"It was for her own good." Santana shrugged, not seeming to notice that Rachel was more mad at Kurt than Santana.   
Kurt shook his head, getting up and heading to Rachel's room. "Rachel, I'm sorry..." He told her softly. She lay on her bed, her back to him, not showing any signs that she was going to listen to him. "I know you're probably mad, but... we didn't want to hurt you, I knew you'd be upset."  
"What so you and Santana have been talking about my relationship?" Rachel grumbled, wrapping her arms around her pillow.   
"No, no, not at all! Honestly, we were just trying to help you..." He argued, not knowing what else to say.   
  
Rachel shook her head a little, standing and walking over to him. She stopped in front of him, her jaw clenched, and after a moment of him waiting to see what she would do, she pulled the curtain across in front of him, closing him off.   
He stared at the curtain for a moment. "Rachel, please!"  
"The curtain means privacy." Was all she said in response.  
He scoffed a little, looking to Santana, who just shrugged.   
  
"I'm going to bed..." He mumbled, heading into his room and pulling the curtain across. He walked to his bed, flopping down and letting out a heavy sigh. Every day there was always something, someone falling out with him or another issue to deal with. He lay there for a while, but his limbs felt restless, almost painfully so, and he couldn't stand being stuck in bed with his thoughts anymore. So he got back up, walking out of the loft before Santana could ask any questions.   
  
Kurt walked for a while, not too sure where he was going, or how long it had been, but it was cold, and he regretted not bringing a jacket when he'd walked out, but he was far away now and he couldn't bring himself to care if he was out in the cold. The numbness that came with it was somewhat nice after all.   
  
It had been a almost two hours, and his teeth were chattering as he continued walking, at first he hadn't know where he was walking to, just aimlessly wondering, but he'd soon come to the bridge, and headed over into New York. It had began raining about a half hour beforehand, and he hung around near the bridge in the dark and rain. He was shivering at this point, the cold had seeped into his bones. And he assumed this was just another way to hurt himself, but he didn't care. Why would he? He deserved everything he gave himself after all.   
He looked around at the almost empty streets, occasionally a car would head down the road or someone would shout something in the distance, but int he rain and cold nobody was braving the outside it seemed.   
  
It was still close to winter, it had been snowing the week before, and he guessed nobody would want to be out in this weather, late at night, without a jacket. Yeah, he was an idiot.   
Running his hands over his arms, only succeeding in soaking the wet into his thin shirt more, he decided it was probably best to head back home.   
He slowly walked, the wind whipping around him and settling the frozen feeling into his bones, goosebumps covering his pale skin. He wasn't in a rush to go back, but he knew he should get out of the rain soon.   
  
He decided to sit at a bus shelter for a while, his legs to his chest as he looked out at the rain falling around. He loved the rain, it always calmed him. If he was at home he would be falling asleep quickly because of the sound of the rain on the large windows in the loft. But he wasn't home, and he knew he couldn't rest here. But sitting here, just watching the rain fall, the wind whip through the trees, and despite shaking and tired, he felt so calm, his thoughts washing away.   
  
He remembered when he was younger, his dad had been pissed, one of the only times he'd properly yelled at Kurt, the boy had remembered how safe he'd felt with his mom driving him around in the rain, how relaxing it had been and how sleepy and cosy he'd always felt being safe from the weather inside the vehicle.   
One of the guys from the shop had found him, phoning Burt, who had apparently been looking for him for hours. He hadn't meant to make him worry, but it had been the second time he'd snook out to hang out in the rain and his dad had found him a couple hours later, angry as hell, and taking him home. He'd been worried the first time, it was so soon after his mother had passed away and Burt was worried about him.  
  
The second time when the man had found him and bought him back, Burt had arrived at the shop, and he wasn't so forgiving. He'd yelled, a lot. Kurt didn't remember what he'd said, but he knew he had been worried now that he was older. As a kid it had been scary and upsetting though, and he sat there shaking, staring at the floor as he pulled the blanket further around himself. His hair was dripping and his skin was still wet, but he didn't want to anger his dad any more by moving.   
Eventually Burt had come down to his level, taking a hold of a towel and wiping off his son's shivering face, drying his hair afterwards. "I don't get your fascination with the rain, kiddo."  
  
Kurt had shrugged a little, finally looking up at his dad as he wiped his nose on the blanket. "I wanted to feel calm..." He mumbled.  
Burt smiled a little. "Is this about your mom, Kurt?" Kurt shrugged, looking down, wiping his nose again. Burt had picked him up, sitting him on his lap and continuing to dry him off. "I'd be surprised if you didn't get sick..."  
"Mommy used to drive me around in the rain..." Kurt muttered, happy his dad wasn't angry with him anymore. "I thought if I walked around in the rain, my head would shut up..."  
  
Burt sighed a little, but smiled. "Look, Kurt..." He put the towel down. "Your mom was the same, ya know? At night time she couldn't settle down either, all these thoughts rushing through her head. You two are so similar, ya know that?"  
Kurt beamed, looking up at his dad. "Really?"  
"Really, really." Burt smiled. "Next time you need to calm down, just ask, ok? I'll drive ya around so you don't get sick."  
Kurt had nodded, snuggling up to his dad, and soon he was asleep.   
  
Even if he had had a cold for over a week after that, it had been a bonding moment between himself and his dad, something that bought them closer over the years after his mother's death.   
He looked up when someone handed him something, seeing the dollar in a woman's hand, extended to him. She smiled at him and he shook his head a little. "You look starved, just take it, honey." and with that she walked off with her umbrella before he could say anything.   
  
He sighed, seemed like it was time to go, his clothes were uncomfortably sticking to him, his hair damp and falling over his head. He knew when his hair was wet he looked a lot younger than he was, which didn't help when he looked young for his age anyway.   
Standing, he cringed as he pulled at his clothes. Thankfully they were baggy due to needing to be taken in, something he hadn't gotten round to yet, and he headed back int he direction of the loft.   
  
\------------

By the time he got back the sun was rising and someone was already in the shower. So he went into the kitchen, grabbing his favourite knife, and heading into his room, hoping his roommates would finally understand and listen to the whole privacy curtain thing. At least he knew Rachel was probably still pissed at him, and god knows where Santana was at the moment.   
He pulled the curtain across, walking to the bed and finally being able to peel the wet clothes from himself, shivering as the heat of the loft mixed with the cold on his being and made that uncomfortable pins and needles feeling spread over him.   
  
He grabbed his fluffiest, comfiest pyjamas and pulled them on, sighing at the warmth that enveloped him before sitting on his bed, pulling his top back off once he was warm enough, and bringing the blade to his chest, cutting across it quickly, adding more and more lines in the span of a couple minutes, before moving to his hips, biting his lip. It was a tighter pain at his hips, and it helped make him feel the relief quicker.   
  
Finally satiated, or too tired to bring himself to do more, he grabbed some tissues, dabbing at the bloody marks and pushing down on some of the deeper ones to get one last wash of pain over him, before making sure the marks had stopped bleeding, and pulling his shirt back on. He threw the tissues in the bin, hiding the knife in his bedside table to put back later, and lay on his side, watching the rain through the window, making the sky foggy and not as bright as it would be if it were sunny, good, he needed sleep and the dark would help.  
  
He quickly fell into unconsciousness, his eyes stinging along with his body, and his mind foggy as his sinuses showed the telltale signs of him getting ill.   
Just what he needed.   
  
\------------

Santana and Kurt were cuddling on the sofa, watching Kurt's guilty pleasure TV shows that the girl had somehow managed to find. "Wait up." She paused it. "This... this is crazy. This show is like crack. I cannot believe this was on regular TV!"   
"I thought you'd like this Facts of Life marathon." He chuckled, happy he'd convinced her to watch it with him after she'd started making fun of him for it. "Thank God I recorded six months of it on the DVR. Thank you, TV Land!"

"Okay, so please tell me that the chick on this motorcycle and that super bitch get together in the end?" Santana pressed play.   
"They do not, but... George Clooney joins the cast later-"  
"-No way!"  
"-As the handyman with a heart of gold." Kurt smirked, trying not to spoil the show for her. 

"Oh, I love those guys!" Santana smiled.   
"And a mullet." Kurt shrugged.   
Santana continued watching the TV. "Okay, we have to turn this into a musical so that I can play Jo." 

Rachel had just gotten home, and walked into the lounge. "Can I be Blair, and we can do a duet?" She asked softly.   
"Oh... Well, that depends on what, uh, happened with you and the American Psycho." Santana sat up a little.   
"Yeah, we had a-a pretty mature and honest conversation." Rachel told them, nodding a little. "You know, we decided that we're obviously gonna be professional, because we're gonna see each other all the time, and be in each other's lives because we go to the same school. But, um... but yeah, it's... it's over. For real." She smiled sadly. "And, you know, I really have you to thank. Because you didn't give up, and you really were trying to make me see, and... I-I appreciate you getting Finn to come and defend my honour. I know that was you, so..." Kurt paused, looking between the two girls. Brody may have lied about a couple things, but he didn't deserve to get the crap beat out of him... "I swear I will never doubt your Mexican psychic third eye ever again."

He decided to ignore his thoughts, the other two wouldn't listen anyway, besides, Rachel was fine with Santana now, maybe she'd forgiven him as well? "Why the long face? You've got a hot boyfriend pillow in there named Colin." He told her, hoping she wouldn't ignore him like she had done last night. "I named him Colin after the non-threatening boy in The Secret Garden, cuz I know you loved it..." When she didn't say anything he began to worry. "Don't be sad."

"I'm not." Rachel told him, smiling a little. "I'm good, I... I feel... ready. You know? I-I-I'm ready for my Funny Girl audition, and to maybe start seeing older guys~"  
"Mm..." Santana nodded with a smile.   
"And I'm definitely ready for our new and permanent roommate. But I'm gonna use the pity card just for a second, since I am the one that is heartbroken and going through a breakup and found out that my boyfriend was some weirdo man-whore, I'm gonna get to pick the movie tonight, okay?" She stood, walking over to the TV cabinet. "And I think we should pick... the best guilty pleasure movie musical ever." She held up Mamma Mia and the other two agreed, and when Rachel started a sing along, the other tow joined in.   
  
Kurt didn't understand how the girls could go from being upset and arguing one second to not a care in the world the next, as if it was so easy to get over things, to not dwell in your thoughts. But he smiled, and sang, and cuddled with the girls while they watched the movie, before the other two retired to bed.   
Even though he felt better having spent time with his girls, watching a film he loved, there was just an urge. 

And he knew what that urge was.   
And it was becoming impossible to ignore.  
  
He walked into the bathroom, locking it, and turning on the shower to drown out any noise, the knife from his bedside table in hand. It worked quicker, and it helped more.   
He settled down on the floor next to the sink, and the binge began.

\------------

He wouldn't lie, he had zoned out, too focused on the feel of the sharpness against his skin, the cuts across him. He hadn't binged anywhere near this much since Blaine had cheated on him. There was blood everywhere, and he felt dizzy. Looking to the window, he saw that the sun was beginning to rise. He'd spent all night, hours upon hours with the knife in his hand, with his fingernails digging into his flesh and lines being made.   
He was breathing heavily, coming back to himself once he'd cleared that fog that came with the binges, and he let himself lay back, his head spinning. "I can't keep doing this..." He muttered to himself, on the verge of tears as he dropped the knife and pushed his hands into his eyes, overcome with the emotions he'd been trying to bleed out.   
  
He jumped as a noise came from the floor near him, and he looked to the phone that vibrated on the tiles, sitting up and picking it up.   
"Sebastian...? It's early, what's up?" He asked, trying to sound casual.   
"Did I wake you up?" Sebastian asked back. "Sorry, can't sleep."  
Kurt shook his head a little. "You didn't wake me up... you wanna chat until you feel tired?"  
"That'd be good, princess. Thanks." He could hear Sebastian's smile, completely unaware of the fact the other boy was sat there soaked in his own blood, fresh cuts all over his body. 

\------------

He woke up early the next day, only a couple hours sleep under his belt, and if he spent any longer in bed he'd be late for his classes. Him and Sebastian had talked for about an hour until the other boy had fallen asleep, and Kurt had to admit, hearing the soft breathing coming from the other end of the phone relaxed him a lot, he'd cleaned himself off and headed back into his room to sleep. 

He rushed into the bathroom, quickly brushing his teeth and washing his face, shoving some product into his hair so people didn't know how late he'd slept in, when his eye caught something on the floor. He slowly turned, his eyes landing on the offending object, the glisten of the sun through the window hitting the blade just right so that it reflected onto him.   
All thoughts of being late left him, all worries from the night before gone. Because he knew this could make him strong enough to make it through the day.   
  
He sank down onto his knees and took the blade in his hand, turning it over a couple times before pulling his sleeve up. 


	19. Gunshots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's a little shorter, but have Kurt's reaction to the shooter episode, one of my favourite episodes of glee honestly.

After a long week, an invite to a date night round Adam's had come as a pleasant surprise.   
They cooked together, chatting and catching up. Kurt filled him in on what had been happening at the loft, Adam told him about his plans for after he graduated this year, they sang and he found it super cute when Adam had danced him around the kitchen to the music on the radio, even if the dance didn't match the sound at all. It had given him a laugh, and he may have accidentally started a bit of a food fight when he'd blown some flour at the other boy. Thankfully the brunt of the mess had gotten on their aprons instead of his clothes, but he didn't really mind, not when he was having this much fun.   
  
While they were waiting for the food to cook, Adam had planted kissed to his neck and things had gotten heated until Kurt's phone pinged a few times. He sighed, resting his head against the other boy's chest as he chuckled. "We would have burnt the food anyway." He smirked, pecking Adam on the lips as the other boy laughed and moved out from in between his legs, Kurt having been perched on the table. "I'll just put it on silent."  
  
When he'd seen Blaine's name flash up, he wasn't going to pay attention, he was with his boyfriend after all, but he was intrigued when he saw the other names pop up as well. Sam, Unique...   
He opened the messages and his blood ran cold.   
Adam looked to him, and his smile fell when he saw Kurt's expression, staring down at his phone as he began shaking. "Kurt? Baby?" He walked over, quickly catching the other boy's phone as it dropped from his hand. He checked the messages on the screen. 

'Blaine x - Kurt idk if youre busy but theres a shooter at mckinley. mr shue said to message people. I love you... please let someone know'

Adam looked back to Kurt.   
"I-I-It must be a joke, right?" Kurt muttered, his eyes filled with dread. "Please, Adam, tell me it's a joke..."  
He looked back down at the other messages. 

'Unique - kurt, mr shue told us to get in contact with people, Idk many people outside mckinley, we need as many people as possible to phone the police...'

'Sam x - Someone phone the police, plz! There's a shooter, someone has a gun and brittany's on her own out there, plz, plz someone send help!'

Adam looked back up at the shaking boy and wrapped him in his arms. "I don't know, honey..." He mumbled, stroking his hand over Kurt's hair. "I don't know..."  
Kurt pulled back, tears streaming down his cheeks, he took his phone, though he almost dropped it due to his hands shaking so much. He clicked Blaine's number, holding the phone out on speaker, praying the other boy would answer and say it was a prank, it was just a joke, his friends aren't in danger, it isn't true.   
  
But there was no answer, and he grit his teeth, quickly swiping his arm across his eyes before clicking the number again, his vision blurry with tears. He didn't notice Adam pulling him over to the sofa and sitting him down, he just waited, biting on his nail as he waited for some form of response. But none came. He didn't know what to do, what COULD he do? He was in New York, he couldn't go there himself, he felt so useless. He wanted to help, and even if it was just a prank, he would much rather be there himself to see. 

"Kurt, you need to breathe." Adam told him, taking the phone from him. Kurt tried to grab the phone again, but he just broke down sobbing more, struggling for air as he cried out his worries. Adam pulled him into another hug. "I'm sure they're ok, alright, just breathe..."  
He pulled away. "Please, Adam, I need to phone someone to help-"  
Adam nodded, handing his phone back to him and gently rubbing his back as he shakily looked through his contacts. He knew someone would have phoned the police by now, and he wouldn't receive the Ohio police if he phoned anyway, and there was nothing the New York police could do. So he clicked on a familiar number.   
  
"Seb?" He asked when the line picked up.   
"Kurt? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Sebastian's worried voice came.   
Kurt gasped for air. "McKinley... the-there's gunshots, I don't know what's happening, they said there's a shooter-"  
"Breathe..." Adam reminded him, gently taking the phone from him. He put it onto speaker. "Hi, this is Adam, um, we don't really know what's happening, but I assume you live in Lima?"  
"Close enough." Sebastian answered, ruffling in the background. He was getting ready to go check what was happening. "I'll check it out. Where's Kurt?"  
  
"He's ok, he's just freaking out a bit..." Adam answered, his hand not leaving said boy's back, rubbing calming circles in hopes of getting him to relax somewhat. Though he doubted if it was his friends in this situation he'd feel the same. "Aren't you, Kurt?"  
"Yeah... yeah, it's not me that needs worrying about-"  
"I'll get in contact when I've seen what's happening, ok?" Sebastian's voice returned, kindness and worry laced into his words, but it helped to calm Kurt down a little. "Adam, get that boyfriend of yours to relax, I won't be long. Oh and Kurt?"  
  
"Yeah...?" Kurt mumbled, barely able to breathe let alone talk properly with his thoughts spiralling like this. Who knows what was happening to his friends.   
"If that ex-boyfriend of yours is in any way messing with you, I'll hit him all over again." Sebastian told him sternly.   
Kurt let out a wet chuckle, soon replaced with more tears and shaking. "Deal."  
"I'll phone soon." And with that the Warbler hung up, and Kurt wrapped his arms around himself, letting Adam draw him into a hug, rubbing his hands over his arms. He clenched his eyes shut, his hands curled into fists to try and make himself calm down. How could a seemingly ordinary day turn into this...?

\------------

His phone began ringing not long later and he quickly grabbed it. "Hello?!" He almost shouted upon answering, putting the phone onto speaker.   
"Kurt... Um, I need you to stay calm-"  
"Oh my god..." Kurt mumbled, fresh tears coming to his eyes. "Please tell me you're joking..."  
Sebastian paused for a moment. "I'm not going to lie to you, princess..." He finally answered, sounding regretful and horrified as to what was in front of him. He stood there, watching the chaos as armed police ran around, shouting orders to each other, a barrier had been made and students stood outside, sobbing and huddling together, worried for their friends, still stuck in there. The school was completely shut off, it was chaos.   
  
"I need to go, I need to get there." Kurt suddenly stood, walking toward the door.   
Adam quickly shot up, wrapping his arm around him, trying to pull him back and practically dragging him backwards. "No, no, Kurt, you can't, ok? They're in Lima, you can't get there right now, ok, please calm down."  
Kurt struggled against him, frustrated tears falling down his cheeks. He dropped his phone, still trying to get out of his boyfriend's grip.   
Adam turned him round, placing his hands on his cheeks and trying to get him to look at him. "Kurt, you need to listen to me, ok?"  
  
Kurt shook his head a little, sobbing his heart out. "I need to help them... I need to go!" He tried to push Adam away but the boy only held him tighter.   
"Baby, just calm down..." He told him softly, stroking his hair. "Ok, I'm sure the authorities are there, alright? And I'm sure it's not as bad as it sounds-"  
"They're STUCK in there!" Kurt pulled back, sobbing, struggling for breath.   
"Kurt, listen to Adam." Sebastian's voice came from the phone on the floor. "Panicking like you are isn't going to help ok?"  
Adam nodded, wiping away from of the boy's tears as he just broke down, clenching his eyes shut and gasping between his tears. But he wasn't trying to go anymore, and he let Adam bring him into a comforting embrace, taking him back over to the sofa and bringing the phone over as well.   
  
"Thank you." He told Sebastian over the phone as Kurt curled up on himself, shaking and trying to force his tears to stop. But worry was rolling off of him and all Adam or Sebastian wanted to do was comfort him, make him feel as though his world wasn't falling apart, his friends weren't stuck in a place with a shooter, that their lives couldn't be ended like a snap of the fingers.   
"Look after him, ok? I'll phone if there's an update." Sebastian told him. "And Kurt, just relax, ok, they're gonna be fine."  
Kurt didn't respond and Sebastian hung up, probably trying to find out any information. 

After a moment to breathe Kurt took his phone into his hands, looking back through his contacts, maybe someone would answer. He clicked on Tina's number, waiting with baited breath as it rang a couple times.   
"Kurt?" Tina's sobbing voice came and Kurt let out a strangled cry.   
"Tina, Tina, what's happening? Are you ok?" He asked, relieved to hear his friends voice, knowing at least one of them was safe right now.   
Tina let out a shaky breath. "I'm ok, but they won't let me in! Swat has gone in to clear everyone out, but everyone else is in Glee, I'm stuck out here, I can't get to them-"  
  
Kurt had a hand over his mouth, trying to breathe, but it was difficult with Tina's words. It was real, all of it. His friends could die. "Tina, it's ok." He told her, his voice stronger than he felt at the moment. "It's gonna be ok. Swat will get them out, and everyone will be fine..." His voice dissolved into tears though, the strong facade crumbling, the wall he'd built up toppling over. He couldn't put on a mask about this, not in this situation, not knowing what was happening miles away right now with no way for him to get there. 

Adam seemed to sense his struggled as he took the phone from him. "Hi, Tina, right?"  
"Uh-huh." Tina sniffled, obviously crying. "Who are you...?"  
"I'm Adam, I'm Kurt's boyfriend..." Adam replied, looking to Kurt, who was shaking worse than ever, breaking down more now than before, hardly able to fight for breath anymore. "He... he can't really talk right now."  
"I'm sorry, I am, Kurt I'm sorry..." Tina told him through the phone, her voice still wet with tears. "But-but like you said, it's gonna be ok."  
  
Kurt didn't say anything, gripping his hair as he curled up, not able to bring himself to calm down at all.   
"Oh my god, the swat's coming out!" Tina told them, and Kurt's breathing clipped, sitting up and staring at his phone. "Blaine!" There was heavy footsteps on the other side, and voices making the way to the phone.   
"Tina, oh my god, I'm so glad you're ok!" Blaine's voice came.   
"I thought I'd lost you guys, I couldn't get to you!" She sobbed.   
  
"We're ok, we're ok." Blaine sighed, more voices came over the line and Tina returned.   
"They're all ok, they're all here!" She told him, and he only cried more in relief. "It's ok now, Kurt."  
"Kurt? Let me talk to him." Blaine's voice came. "Kurt?" His voice was louder now that he was on the phone properly.   
Kurt forced himself to speak. "Blaine..." His voice was strangled with emotion, he still couldn't breathe, but now it was more with relief and unused adrenaline.   
  
"I'm ok, Kurt, we're all ok." Blaine breathed out a sigh, which Kurt knew was laced with a smile. "We're ok..."  
Kurt let himself sob out a chuckle. "I should hope so..." He breathed. "Otherwise I'd have to come down there and kick all your asses myself." His laugh was watery, but real. And Adam smiled next to him, rubbing a thumb over his knuckles and squeezing his hand.   
"I need to go, the police want to talk to us-"  
"It's ok... I-I'm-I'm glad you're all ok." Kurt smiled a little, they said goodbye and Blaine hung up. 

Kurt placed his head in his hands, trying to let the relief fill him properly, but his heart was still racing, his head pounding as he - too slowly - came down from his adrenaline.   
Adam pulled him into a hug and Kurt let him this time, placing his head on his boyfriends chest and sobbing out his already overspent emotions. "It's ok now, baby... you can relax now." He told him softly, soothing and calming.   
Kurt nodded a little, wrapping his fingers into Adam's jumper. He let out a tiny laugh. "I guess we burnt the food after all..."  
Adam snorted a little, placing a kiss to his boyfriend's head. "We'll get take out."  
  
\------------

Santana and Rachel had dragged him into a group hug immediately, not sure what was going on other than the text from Sam which seemed to go to everyone. Judging by how dead and exhausted Kurt had looked when he'd shuffled himself into the loft, they could tell everything had been real, and had rushed over, hugging him quickly.   
They spent all night with each other, none of them wanting to be alone, or leave the others alone. There were multiple phone calls from family in Ohio, calls from his dad and Finn, and Kurt sighed when his phone began ringing again. The two girls had fallen asleep cuddled up to him, and he was only awake out of pure stubbornness.   
  
He checked the device, seeing a video posted to everyone by the looks of it, from Artie.   
He opened it, sharing it with the TV so he could watch it properly.   
Everyone was sat around the choir room, the camera was shaky and they were all on the floor. Artie explained why he was recording and Kurt felt all the emotions from earlier rush back to him, tears prickling his eyes already as he watched the screen, everyone telling their families they love them, Sam saying there's a cat in his locker and Kurt let out a shaky laugh at that, and then came Blaine.

"Mum, dad, I love you... and... and Kurt..."  
  
Kurt watched the screen, his brows furrowing in sorrow.   
  
"Kurt, I'm so sorry... I love you, I have ALWAYS loved you, and I betrayed you, and I'm so sorry... I miss you so much, and I love you..." He nodded a little to the camera before looking back down.   
  
Kurt took in a shaky breath as the video went on to Marley, and the two girls looked up to him. "Kurt?" Rachel asked.  
"No more crying, come on..." Santana muttered, looking up at him.   
He shook his head a little, motioning to the screen. "Artie recorded a message from everyone..."  
They all watched it together and had a good cry, telling each other how much they appreciated and loved each other. 

\------------

The next day Kurt didn't want to get up, his eyes stung like never before and he knew he was dehydrated. He had forced himself up to say goodbye to the girls as they - even though not wanting to - got ready to leave for work and NYADA. He didn't have classes that day, except practice with Cassie - she had asked him to help teach a class - but she had seen the news and had told him he's excused if he needs to be. He wasn't sure yet, but he said he would let her know.   
  
Now, after the long night before, he felt empty almost. Too many emotions that lead to a white noise situation, his body numb, empty, exhausted. He looked to the door as there was a knock, and steeled himself, putting the knife back in the holder in the kitchen before heading over to the door. At least whoever it was would delay his next binge of trying to cope with everything, though it was probably just Rachel forgetting her keys again.   
He pulled the door across, freezing as he saw the other boy.   
Sebastian didn't say anything, he just opened his arms with a sympathetic smile, and Kurt wasted no time. He ran into the other boy's arms, sobbing his eyes out as Sebastian held him.


	20. Downtime

Sebastian let the older boy hug him for as long as he needed, and judging by his reaction earlier and how heavily he was crying now, the whole situation the day before had effected him more than the others, even the people who had been in the room by the looks of it. He didn't mind the hug, while a couple years ago he wouldn't even think about letting Kurt Hummel touch him, let alone cry his shirt wet, he was just relieved he could finally come hang out with him for the first time in a while, and he just wished he would have come sooner, classes be damned. 

Kurt calmed down after a few minutes, sniffling to himself, but still keeping a hold of the other boy. "I'm fine with you hugging me, but can we at least shuffle inside?" Sebastian asked, smiling.   
Kurt pulled back, nodding. "Sorry..."  
"No need to apologise, princess." Sebastian smirked and dragged his suitcase inside.   
  
"Can I get you a drink?" Kurt asked, making himself busy in the kitchen. Sebastian sighed, walking over to him.   
"I'll sort it." He smiled, taking the mugs from the other boy, who fiddled with his sleeves and perched against the table. He looked back at Kurt, flashing a proper smile to try and ease his fears and awkwardness of hugging him. He had needed it by the looks of it. "So, how are you doing now that everything's over?"  
  
He watched the boy carefully, not afraid to admit to himself that he was more worried than ever. A shirt with skinny fit sleeves - by the looks of it - was baggy around his arms, especially where he tugged at the bottom of the sleeves nervously. His collarbone was poking out at the top of the shirt, bony and worryingly prominent, almost painful looking. Sickly was the first word Sebastian thought of, well, the second word. Because the first words had always been annoyingly attractive, and that hadn't changed, despite how sick he looked, how rake thin he was, unhealthily skinny, pale and tired. Once again that question popped into his head, how had nobody noticed?

Kurt shrugged, looking down as he folded his arms. "I guess I'm feeling better than last night, me Rachel and Santana just hung out all night."  
"Where are the girls?" Sebastian asked, walking over and handing the other boy a drink, earning a quiet 'thanks' in response. "Thought they'd stay home with you."   
Kurt rolled his eyes. "I don't need them to..." He mumbled, sipping at the coffee. 'Lies...' Sebastian thought, but chuckled a little. "They have classes and work and stuff, so."  
"You don't have class?" He raised a brow, and Kurt lead them over to the sofa.   
"I just had practice with Cassie today, but as usual she finds out everything and heard about what happened, I still need to let her know if I'm gonna feel up to coming in."   
  
"Well, I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but I think it'd be good to give yourself a break." Sebastian shrugged. "Don't look at me like that, explain your week to me."  
Kurt sighed. "You gonna ask me to do this every time we talk?" He muttered.   
Sebastian shrugged again, smirking. "Depends how well you look after yourself."  
"Right, right." Kurt shook his head, exasperated. "Well, I had Vogue every day but yesterday and today, but that's in the evenings. My schedule for NYADA is quite packed because I have to catch up and get extra credit activities, like helping Cassie, to catch up with the work I missed before I was accepted, so every day I've had at least five classes, and then three days I've had practice with Cassie, and then I've been working on some designs in my spare time to show Isabel, and let's see... Oh, Rachel needed help reading for Funny Girl, and Santana asked me to take up a couple of her shifts at work in exchange for her not telling Rachel about Brody, but thankfully that's done now since she told her-"  
  
"Ok, stop, take a breath. We're only five days into the week." Sebastian told him, shaking his head, though a fond smile crept onto his face. "Ever heard of burnout?"  
Kurt rolled his eyes with a chuckle. "Yes, but I don't GET burnout." Sebastian raised a sceptical brow and Kurt laughed. "Seriously, I've always had a lot of commitments going on at once, this is nothing new."  
"Dude, even when I'm in medical school I'll be less busy than you." Sebastian joked, laughing when Kurt threw a pillow at him.   
"Wait, you finally decided?!" Kurt grinned, sitting up, interested to hear about his friend's future.   
  
Sebastian nodded. "I did, I think medicine is best for me. I enjoy law, and I guess it'd be cool to follow my dad's footsteps, but I really like studying medicine, so." He shrugged.   
"So you're going to Columbia then?"   
"Look who did their research." Sebastian chuckled.   
Kurt shook his head, though the smile on his face showed he was joking. "I take an interest in my friends, Sebastian Smythe."  
"Ouch, you wound me with my full name." Sebastian held a hand over his heart, laughing. Kurt laughed in response and that familiar pang hit Sebastian full-force in the chest. "But yes, Columbia I think would be the best option. But either way Columbia doesn't offer pre-med, so I'd have to do that first before I can go to medical school."  
  
"Sounds complicated." Kurt chuckled. "But I'm sure you'll do great."  
"You tryna butter em up or something." Sebastian joked. "I'm actually thinking of doing pre-med at Hoftra, it's actually not far from here."  
Kurt raised a brow. "Really? Wouldn't you want to be in central New York?"  
"Nah, my dad may be paying for an apartment for me, but I don't want to go crazy, besides, Columbia is about the same distance as Hoftra is from here, weird coincidence, but you may have to get used to seeing me around." He smirked.   
  
"Fine with me, as long as you can handle Santana and Rachel." Kurt smirked.   
"Oof, maybe not, Ohio is actually quite nice." Sebastian joked and they both laughed. "I won't mind, as long as they're ok with me after everything." He shrugged.   
Kurt smiled softly. "Even if they're not, I'll make sure they come round. The New Directions had so many break ups and fall outs every week we were like Fleetwood Mac."  
Sebastian laughed, almost choking on his coffee. "Well, Hoftra seems like a good option, and then I can get a place near Hampstead, the houses and flats actually look pretty nice."  
"I can come with if you need support while looking? I know how difficult it can be, honestly I was so lucky to find this place."

Sebastian smiled, another flutter in his chest. "That'd be good, princess." He finished off his drink. "So, what's the plan today?"  
"Oh, well, I think you're right about me needing a break, so I think I'll text Cassie and tell her I'll meet her at the next practice in a couple days. I don't have any classes for the next two days either, which is always nice." Kurt shrugged.  
"Wow, did they let you out on good behaviour or something?"  
Kurt giggled, only making Sebastian's chest squeeze more. "Nah, they legally have to give me days off, besides some classes require 'at-home work'."  
  
Sebastian rolled his eyes. "So, you don't really get time off?"   
Kurt chuckled. "Well, lucky for my visitor, I did all my work last night and this morning when I couldn't sleep." He smirked. "I might get one or two more assignments, but they won't take long."  
"So, I have you all to myself?" Sebastian smirked.   
"Well, I did promise Adam I'd go see him today, he's still worried. Oh, you can finally meet him!" That smile... even if Sebastian wanted to say no, he just couldn't bring himself to.   
He nodded, smiling. At least he could see if Adam was good for the other boy, though with the evidence from the night before? He was warming up to the boy. No way Anderson would have been there for Kurt like that, at least not understanding and non-judgemental.   
  
"Sounds good, Hummel." He stood. "Oh, is there anywhere I can put my case? I didn't want to go to the hotel yet?"  
"Oh, of course." Kurt smiled, picking the case up and heading into his room, placing the suitcase on his bed. "You're staying at the hotel?" He called back.   
Sebastian shrugged. "I think until I move to New York it's probably best to avoid contact with the girls as much as possible."  
Kurt offered him a soft smile, the slight tilt of his head shifting his quaffed hair slightly and Sebastian cursed the boy in his head for being so damn adorable. "I'm sure once they get to know you, they'll love hanging out with you. Me and you are friends now and I bet neither of us thought that would happen."  
  
Sebastian nodded a little. "True, we'll see. But for now, I think it's best for me to stay at the hotel."  
"That's fair." Kurt smiled. "Come on, I'll text Adam to meet us at the coffee shop in an hour, that gives us plenty of time to get the subway." He rushed toward the door, grabbing Sebastian's hand on his way and dragging him along. Sebastian laughed at the bubbliness that suddenly came over the other boy, he didn't mind Kurt's hand on his, even feeling as though he missed the touch once Kurt let go, all too soon as they reached the door. 

\------------

"So you're the famous Adam." Sebastian shook the other boys hand.   
Adam chuckled. "That's me, nice to meet you, Sebastian." He lead them all to the table, making some drinks for them. "So, I'm afraid Kurt doesn't talk much about his friends in Ohio, you probably know a lot more about me than I do about yourself."  
"Well, me and Kurt didn't always get along." Sebastian shrugged, him and Kurt sharing an amused look.   
"But we're older and less childish now." Kurt smiled. "Most of the time at least."

Adam laughed, handing them both their drinks. "So, what's the plan for today?"   
Kurt took a sip of his drink. "Well, I did get a call from Finn, he's enjoying college and he actually asked if I wanted to go visit, would you both want to come?"   
"Meeting the imfamous brother? I'm in." Adam smiled, taking Kurt's hand on the table. Kurt smiled, turning to Sebastian, who looked put off by the idea really.   
"What's up?" Kurt asked him, raising a brow.   
  
"After everything a few years ago?" Sebastian shrugged, sighing. "Not everyone's as forgiving as you, Hummel."  
Kurt rolled his eyes. "It'll be fine. Whenever Finn tries to hold a grudge it fizzles out pretty quick."   
Sebastian looked up at him and smiled. "Fine, I'm in."  
  
\------------

The University of Lima was bigger than Kurt had thought it would be, that was for sure. Though nowhere near as grand as NYADA, there was a lot more fauna, a large waterfall sat in the centre of the campus through the gates and there were students bustling about.   
He managed to find the room Finn had said he was staying in, but his brother wasn't there, so he decided to follow the noise coming from down the corridors. Lots of shouting and music, if Finn wasn't in class he was probably involving himself in college activities after all.   
"Oh, sorry!" He stumbled when someone accidentally bumped into him when coming round the corner. "Mr Shue?"   
  
"Kurt! Hi, I didn't know you were back?" His teacher smiled.   
"Just visiting Finn for a couple days." Kurt turned to the other two. "Oh, this is Adam, and you've met Sebastian before."  
Will raised a brow slightly but shook the hands offered to him by the two boys. "Nice to meet you. You looking for Finn?"  
Kurt nodded. "Yeah, have you seen him? Or did you reconsider the whole 'not using pencils as weapons' thing?"

Mr Shue laughed. "I came to see if he'd come back to help me teach the New Directions, but I don't think he'll go for it." He shrugged. "He's down there though, just on the left."  
"Thanks Mr Shue, I'll try and visit everyone soon." Kurt smiled and his teacher gave him a quick hug, telling them all to have fun.   
"Your teachers are weird." Sebastian quipped, earning him a soft punch in the arm.   
But Kurt chuckled. "He cares about his students." He shrugged, leading them down the corridor, spotting Finn, who seemed to be making make-shift grilled cheeses. "Looks like you're having fun." He smirked, watching Finn's face light up.   
  
His brother pulled him into a hug. "Kurt! Hey, man!" He grinned.   
Kurt handed him the book he'd bought with him. "Here, for your studies."  
"Thanks man!" Finn put the book down on the table. "You could have told me you were coming."  
"Yo, Hummel!" Puck's voice came.   
Kurt raised a brow. "Noah, why are you here?"  
  
"Partying, dude!" Puck laughed, hugging the boy before running back off to the water slide.   
"Wanna joint he water sports?" Finn asked with a laugh.   
Kurt shook his head a little. "Didn't bring my trunks... Finn, what about studying?"   
His brother shrugged. "I'm getting the college experience! I've got a party tonight as well."  
  
Kurt sighed, but didn't say anything, as his brothers gaze went past him to the other boys. He looked back to Kurt with a questioning look. "Why's Smythe here?"  
Kurt shrugged just as Finn had done to him. "We're not in school anymore, Sebastian's changed and life's too short to hold grudges."  
That seemed to settle his brothers mind. "You guys staying for the party at least?" Kurt sighed, looking from his brother to the other boys. 

\------------

Kurt watched his brother playing beer pong, questioning why he let Finn convince him into coming to this thing. He'd had a drink pushed into his hand by Noah and slowly sipped at it, not wanting to get drunk here. He didn't exactly trust fraternities, mostly because most of the guys in them were homophobes, or racist, or sexist. And he knew he stuck out like a sore thumb, the big sign above his head he'd told Brittany about was never more obvious. Gay, gay, gay. He just hoped nobody said or did anything.   
"We should just go, Finn's having fun without us and I don't want to ruin that for him." He told the other two.   
  
Adam chuckled. "Come on, let's dance. You need to loosen up." He took Kurt's hand and practically dragged him to the centre of the room, dancing around. Kurt laughed a little, but he couldn't get fully into it.   
They all hung out for a while, and after an hour or so Adam went to get them more drinks, and Sebastian - though not wanting to leave the other boy on his own - really needed the toilet, so he told him he'd be right back in a sec once he'd found where the bathroom was.   
  
Kurt had said he was perfectly fine by himself for a few minutes, and Sebastian laughed, rushing off to find the bathroom. Kurt swilled his drink around, really feeling out of place here. And he knew there were few feelings worse than feeling lonely in a crowded room. Even with his boyfriend and friends here, his brother and Puck as well, he still felt as if he was isolated, drawn away from them and trapped in his own head instead of in the room. Like he wasn't involved or included despite very much being so.   
  
He looked up just in time to feel cold liquid cover him, and he froze, staring at the boy who had thrown what smelt like beer all over him. Apparently Puck had seen as Kurt saw him run over in his peripheral, grabbing the other boy by his collar and threatening to 'beat the shit outta him'.   
"No, Noah, it's ok." Kurt muttered, watching as the guy ran away, Puck sending a glare after him. He turned to Kurt but the other boy was already running.  
"Hummel!" He shouted after him, but Kurt couldn't hear over the ringing in his ears as he ran. "Shit..." Puck muttered, turning when the two boys he had been with returned.   
"Hey, where's Kurt?" Adam asked, two drinks in hand.   
  
Puck turned to them. "Some guy freaked him out, he ran off." Puck answered. "Not sure where he went."  
Sebastian was already rushing off to go find the boy, Adam quickly thanked Puck before hurrying after him. "Where would he have gone?" Adam called to the boy, quickly falling into step next to him. They stopped just outside the doors, scanning around. "Kurt!" Sebastian called, spotting the boy sitting at the fountain, his legs brought up to his chest as he looked out at the trees on the edge of campus. "Hey, what happened?" The warbler asked as they reached him.   
"You're soaked!" Adam added, wiping his sleeve over Kurt's still beer covered cheeks. "Are you ok?"  
  
"We should just go..." Kurt muttered, standing and hurriedly power-walking away toward the gates, not stopping as the other two rushed to keep up with his long strides as he clenched his fists at his sides.  
"Look, I know gay people are great at power walking, but this is a little extreme." Sebastian joked, stepping in front of the other boy. "We'll phone a taxi, ok? You can't just go wondering off..."  
  
They stopped him when they got to the gates and Adam phoned a cab for the airport. They waited in silence.   
"Don't you wanna say bye to your brother, Kurt?" Adam asked softly, looking at his boyfriend, who was shaking in the night air.   
Kurt simply shook his head, not taking his eyes from the floor. 

\------------

"I'll see you later, ok? Phone me when you're next ok to meet up." Adam smiled, placing a quick peck to his boyfriends lips.   
Kurt offered a half-hearted smile. "I will... I'm sorry."  
"Nothing to apologise for, baby." Adam smiled, before turning to Sebastian. "It was good to meet you, Sebastian." He held his hand out and Sebastian took it with a nod and a good hand-shake.   
"You too, man." He smiled, and Adam left them to their night. 

"I'm going to get changed, I stink of beer..." Kurt muttered, heading into his room. His clothes were still sticking to him uncomfortably and he grabbed some pyjamas.   
"Are you ok?" Sebastian asked, resting against the pole that the curtain hung from and folding his arms. He wanted to act casual, but his face probably gave away how he was feeling. If it was up to him he would have gotten Puckerman to beat the crap out of whoever did this to Kurt, and then join in himself just for good measure.   
"Fine." Kurt replied bluntly, heading toward the bathroom. "I'll be back soon."   
  
Sebastian sighed, heading into the kitchen and making them both a coffee when he heard the shower turn on, he should have enough time to make some food, so he looked for the ingredients for some pancakes - French style, as they should be - and rooted round for a pan. He got to work, and soon he heard the shower turn off as he'd already made a small stack of pancakes for them both.   
He smiled when Kurt sheepishly walked round the corner, drying his hair with a towel.   
  
He didn't know how or why, but seeing Kurt like this, no skin care products, nothing in his hair, natural, he felt that familiar twist in his stomach and he smiled softly.   
"What's this...?" Kurt asked, looking around the kitchen at Sebastian's work.   
"Pancakes, thought it'd cheer you up." Sebastian smirked. "Wanna grab a plate?" He turned his attention back to the last pancake.   
Kurt looked around again, and got a plate from the cupboard, abrupt realisation hitting him - he'd have to eat in front of the other boy. He thanked Sebastian quietly when he was handed a coffee, just how he liked it, and the other boy dropped a few pancakes on to his plate, winking at him and turning back to the stack to get himself some. "There's some cream and lemon and strawberries over there, I wasn't sure if you'd want toppings." He explained. 

Kurt thanked him again, settling for a little lemon juice because maybe it'd mask the fact he was putting proper food into his body after so long without. His stomach twisted, turning already just at the thought. He couldn't put it off any longer though, and sat down opposite the Warbler, staring down at his plate of food, that suddenly looked huge despite only being a couple thin pancakes.   
"You haven't lived until you've tried my Grand-Merès pancake recipe." Sebastian smirked, dumping some cream and a few strawberries over his own pancakes. "I can't make it exactly like her, but they're good enough." 

Kurt nodded a little, accepting a fork from his friend and staring back down at the plate, unsure what to do.   
"Eat up, Hummel." Sebastian smiled, already tucking into his own. "Don't tell me you don't like pancakes?"  
"I'm just not very hungry right now..." Kurt mumbled with a small smile that the other boy saw right through.   
  
Sebastian watched him, as if his struggles were written all over his face. And once again, the boy found himself wondering how NOBODY had noticed. Kurt's weight had verged on unhealthy when Sebastian had found him at the Lima Bean, but now it was definitely past that line, worse than unhealthy, the kid looked sickly. Supermodel thin was something Sebastian had never agreed with, why would you want to admire a skeleton? But that's what he saw in front of him, staring down at the food like it was poisoned and not because Sebastian was the one who had cooked it. "Can you just try a bite? For me?" He smiled softly, trying not to make his look too pleading. But one of his fears was almost confirmed at this point. Either Kurt just didn't want to eat when he was upset, or he just didn't want to eat.   
  
Kurt sighed a little, offering a smile. "Fine..." He cut off a bit of pancake, trying to ignore the other boys' gaze as he looked at the food on his fork. His mouth felt dry and he could already feel the bile rising in the back of his throat. He tried to play it off cool though, and bit into the French treat. He chewed slowly as Sebastian went back to eating his own food, not wanting to make Kurt uncomfortable or make him think he was watching him.  
Kurt pushed down the need to vomit that quickly took over him. He felt goose bumps come in a wave down his arms and resisted the urge to shiver. But he pushed through, the food feeling like lead in his stomach as smiled when Sebastian looked back up to him. "Well, your Grand-Merè definitely has a good recipe."   
  
Sebastian smiled at that, almost beaming. He loved his family, and he did miss them a lot. "Told ya." He smirked. "You don't have to eat it all if you're not hungry, but eat what you can, yeah?"  
Kurt nodded a little. "Ok..." They began chatting and Sebastian did manage to cheer the other boy up a bit after the beer incident. Kurt had managed to eat half a pancake when Sebastian began clearing up the plates and pan, but he felt as if he'd eaten the whole stack. He still felt sick and his gag reflex was kicking up a fuss, but he kept pushing it down as he stood as well. "Here, let me clean up, you cooked after all." He told the other boy, going to take the plates from him.   
"No way, princess." Sebastian smirked, lifting the plates out of Kurt's immediate reach as he tried to take them.   
  
"Seb, you cooked, it's only fair." He huffed, rolling his eyes.   
"Nope, you just go sit yourself down~" Sebastian chuckled at Kurt's glare, before he was tackled into a hug. He froze, that squeezing in his stomach fluttering wildly as the other boys' arms wrapped around his shoulders. He wanted to reciprocate, to do something, but his fingers fumbled and the plate crashed down to the floor.   
Kurt pulled back with a jump, looking down at the shards. "Well, I WAS just hoping to get the plate back." He chuckled.   
Sebastian stared sheepishly at the broken plate. "I'm really sorry-"  
  
"Don't worry about it." Kurt smiled, grabbing the dustpan and brush from the cupboard and coming back over.   
"I'll uh, I'll sort the pots while you're doing that." Sebastian suggested and Kurt smiled at him, showing that there was no hard feelings. If anything he looked guilty for just hugging the other boy out of nowhere, even if it was just to get the plate, he should have asked Sebastian's permission when touching him.   
  
Sebastian took the pots to the sink, pouring some hot water and washing liquid, dipping his hands in and beginning to wash up. He looked back to Kurt, who was double checking he got all the shards. He smiled to himself, looking down to the suds on his hands and got an idea on how to make them both feel better.   
He dipped his hand back in, lifting up some of the suds on his hand and turning back to the other boy. "Hey, Princess?"  
Kurt turned in his crouch to face him, getting the bubbles blown at him. He gasped, but a smile spread over his cheeks. "SEBASTIAN!" He shouted indignantly, playfully glaring at the other boy's loud laugh. 

He stood. "Oh, you think that's funny?" He asked, grabbing some of the bubbles himself and wiping them over Sebastian's hair, giggling as the other boy stopped laughing.   
"You wanna play that game?" The boy raised a brow, and Kurt sent him a challenging smirk. "Better start running, Hummel." He turned back to the sink, quickly scooping up a load of suds into his hands and as he turned, Kurt quickly went to rush away. But Sebastian was quick and wrapped his arms around him, making Kurt squeal and giggle. "You're not getting away now, Hummel~"  
Kurt just laughed more, his light, adorable laughter filling the loft as Sebastian wiped subs over him. He turned in the other boys' arms, wiping his own hands on his face, trying to get him off of himself and they both burst into laughter as Sebastian tackled him to the floor.   
  
They both laughed loudly, unable to control it. "Safe to say I win?" Sebastian asked once they'd calmed down.   
"Hmmm..." Kurt smirked, grabbing some of the bubbles left over in the other boys hair and blowing them on his face. "There, I win."  
Sebastian chuckled, pushing himself up and offering the other boy a hand. Kurt let him pull him up and tried to hide the fact that he'd stumbled when his head felt dizzy. Sebastian's hand was firmly on his waist as he noticed the by's fumble, but he didn't say anything.   
"I just washed my hair!" Kurt whined a little, though a smile was still on his face as he pulled back from Sebastian.   
The other boy tried not to miss the contact and handed the towel to Kurt, going to grab another form the bathroom so he could dry himself off as well. 

\------------

"Kurt?" Rachel called out the next day, coming into the loft.   
Kurt woke up groggily, wiping his eyes and spotting Sebastian still asleep, laying next to him. He smiled softly, before grabbing his robe and heading into the main space of the loft. "Hey, morning."  
"Oh, there you are." She smiled. "So, it's my Funny Girl audition later."   
He grinned. "I know! I'm so happy for you, you're going to do great. Did you pick a song?"   
  
She smiled. "I think so, but you HAVE to come sneak in and listen to me audition tonight!"  
He chuckled. "I wouldn't miss it." She hugged him and told him she was gonna have a relaxing day at home today before her audition, just practising.   
"Got any plans?" She asked, taking some of the pancakes that had been left for the morning.   
"Just thought I'd do some shopping." Kurt smiled. "You ok here on your own?"  
  
"Of course, I need to practice anyway, I just hope I'll be good enough." She shrugged.   
"Rachel, you were BORN to play Fanny Bryce. Trust me, you'll be amazing." He smiled, wrapping his arms around her again.   
She chuckled. "Well, if the producers have half as much faith in me as you do, I'll have nothing to worry about."

They chatted for a little while longer before Rachel retreated to the bathroom and Kurt headed back into his own room. "Morning." He smiled at Sebastian, who was laying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling.   
"Good morning, princess." Sebastian smirked, sitting up. "That Rachel?"  
"Yeah, she has her audition tonight so I wanna give her her space to rehearse." Kurt smiled. "So, grab some clothes and we'll get ready to head out."  
"Where are we going?" Sebastian asked, though he pushed himself out of bed, grabbing his suitcase and rummaging for some clothes. 

"Thought we'd look around some shops, Isabelle's sad I haven't found her any bargains recently with how busy I've been." Kurt explained as he picked out an outfit. He turned back to Sebastian not long after he'd decided and shook his head. "No, absolutely no way I'm letting you wear that shirt in public." He shook his head and Sebastian laughed.   
"This is one of my favourite shirts." He smirked.   
"Sebastian, you need a wardrobe change." Kurt shook his head, turning back to his closet. "I will not have you wearing the same shirt my brother thinks is cool..." Sebastian laughed, looking down at the shirt Kurt handed him. "Try that one." The older boy turned back to his closet, looking through his clothes for what to wear today. 

Sebastian pulled his baggy rugby shirt off and looked at the black slim fit polo style shirt Kurt had handed him. It was simple and plain bar the small red heart that was sewn across the breast pocket and the red rims around the collar, short sleeves and the hem. He shrugged, pulling it over his head and turning to the mirror to see how it looked. The red heart made him smile, and he was shocked at how good the other boy had been at guessing his size to a T.   
He turned to see Kurt smile at him. "Looks good."   
"Yeah?" Sebastian smiled back, but shook himself. "You bet your ass I do, Hummel, I'd look good in a bin bag."  
  
"Oh, so is that why you wear most of your clothes?" Kurt asked back without skipping a beat and Sebastian couldn't help but laugh.   
"Hurry up and get ready, princess. I'll go make us some coffees." He smirked, heading out of the room. He could still hear Rachel singing in the bathroom with the shower running. He knew she was talented, but her runs were somewhat annoying when this loud and he headed into the kitchen. He knew Kurt and the girl were close, and one day he hoped he could tell Kurt's friends that they had made up and become friends, but he knew he should wait until he was at least living in New York., 

A few minutes later Kurt emerged from his room, sporting a light blue floral shirt with neon blue skinny jeans and a black leather jacket. Sebastian turned, feeling the air catch in his throat as Kurt smiled at him. Despite how ill and sickly he looked, he still had the audacity to be damn attractive. Sebastian quickly shut his mouth, hoping the other boy hadn't noticed as he handed him his coffee. "So, quick drink then we head out?"   
"Sounds good." Kurt smiled, completely oblivious to Sebastian and his shame at his thoughts. 

The Warbler had always known the boy was attractive, no matter how much he had tried to deny it or come onto Blaine, there was always something that drew him to Kurt. The bitchy, sassy boy that could keep up with his barbs and throw them back at him without skipping a beat. The one that got him riled up and sometimes flustered even if he was good at hiding it. But recently his body and mind had been working in opposite directions and he just didn't understand WHY. His little cramps and flutters in his stomach, the tightening around his lungs, the heat on his skin when the other boy touched him. He didn't understand, but he couldn't think about it right now. 

Who knows, maybe it was just how it felt to properly have a friend? Maybe... maybe even a best friend.   
He smiled as Kurt started rambling about where he was going to take them today, the clothes shops, book shops, thrift shops, etc. And Sebastian smiled as he watched him talking. Something about how passionate Kurt got about the little things he loved was amazing to him, and he couldn't help but smile watching him.   
"Seb?" Sebastian came back to the present, raising a brow. Kurt giggled, a flutter rushing through again. "You ready to go?"   
Sebastian smirked. "Of course, princess. This is gonna be fun."   
  
\------------

Kurt had successfully managed to sneak into the theatre where his best friend was having her audition and he hid at the back, sliding down in his seat so he could watch and listen and support her.   
As some of the other auditions went on he let his mind wonder to the admittedly fun day he'd had. For the first time in a while he felt as if his mind was taken off of everything that was going on, and he was just a person, shopping with his friend.  
  
Him and Sebastian had wondered the shops, looking for bargains. Kurt had actually managed to find a few things, including some big labels that Kurt knew Isabelle would love. He even found a couple pieces that he hesitantly asked Sebastian if he liked. Sebastian had actually loved what the boy had picked out for him, and Kurt became less nervous to tell the other boy what he thought would look good on him. 'Who knows, maybe you'll find someone to take home later.' He smirked, holding up some skinny jeans that he'd said would attract some good attention. Sebastian had smiled and taken them from him, looking over the skinny jeans and then down to his baggy jeans he was wearing. It couldn't hurt. But he didn't feel the need to attract any guys like Kurt had joked about. And he watched the older boy walk away with a skip in his step, unaware of Sebastian's confusion in his head.   
  
Sebastian had bought them a pretzel to share, and Kurt had only taken one bite, pretending to be too high-strung to eat street vendor food. Sebastian felt more worry pile to the small mountain that was building inside him, but he didn't say anything, not yet. He didn't have proof of anything, nothing he could confront the other boy with. And he didn't want to make Kurt think he was anything like Anderson, always controlling him.   
And Sebastian didn't know how true that was until Kurt had dragged him into a book shop and been rushing around looking at the different things in there. Though he seemed reserved still, and Sebastian had pondered as to why. 

'Oh... well, I don't know, I used to read a lot, but Blaine always made jokes about me reading and stuff.' He'd shrugged, and Sebastian felt anger strike him at that. 'It's no big deal, just books and certain TV shows and films and stuff...' He shrugged, running his fingers softly along the edge of a shelf, not looking the other boy in the eye.   
'What a douche.' Sebastian had answered bluntly and Kurt glanced up to him. He felt a pang of hurt at his expression, as if someone had kicked him. He shouldn't have that look in regards to thinking about his first love, but Sebastian wasn't surprised in the slightest. He had known Blaine was a dick, but not how much. He remembered that day in Lima Bean... 'Kurt, I didn't recognise you, you were wearing BOY clothes!' Kurt's expression - looking back now - had dropped drastically. But Blaine didn't seem phased, and Sebastian realised as the year had gone on, just how much more subdued Kurt's outfits had become. 

He shook his head, and plastered on a smile. 'I got a great fantasy series to show you.' He took Kurt's hand, pulling him down the stacks of books, looking for the fantasy section.  
Kurt had bought the first in the series Sebastian had shown him, and Sebastian had bought him the other three, much to the other boy's protests. 'My dad has money, some worry.' Sebastian had said. Though it wasn't a gloat like it would have once been, it was a simple shrug with a bashful look that Kurt had never imagined seeing on the other boy's face the previous year.   
'Well, at least let me get you something-' Kurt had tried to bargain. 

'You got me those jeans, remember?' Sebastian chuckled. 'Honestly, it's fine.' He'd handed over his card to the cashier and they headed back out to go to Vogue and talk with Isabelle. She'd loved Kurt's finds and told him that at some point soon she and him would have to go shopping together and he had flushed a little at the praise of being able to shop with Isabelle Wright. Someone he'd never thought would hire him, let alone take an interest in his life and skills.   
Isabelle took them to get sushi and Kurt forced himself to eat a couple pieces - mostly because it was harder to hide that he hadn't ate any food when it was sushi - and while the other two chatted he excused himself to the bathroom. 

He could feel the bile rising and he tried to swallow it down, but he soon found himself knelt in front of the toilet.   
After they'd finished hanging out with Isabelle Kurt had taken them back to Bushwick, walking the younger boy to the hotel. 'We can hang out once I've watched Rachel?'  
'Sounds good, princess.' Sebastian had smirked. They'd said their goodbyes and Kurt had headed to the theatre where the audition would be. 

"I'm Rachel Berry, and I'll be performing a song that means a lot to me." Rachel's voice bought him back to the present and he flashed her a smile and a thumbs up. She smiled a little, and the pianist started the song.   
Kurt couldn't help but smile as his best friend began singing 'Don't Stop Believing'. She had such passion for the song, and he knew she was probably imagining her friends up there with her, much as he was doing at the moment.   
  
Once she was done he had to force himself not to start clapping, it wouldn't do to get kicked out for sneaking in. So he sat and listened, tears in his eyes seeing just what that song meant to his best friend.   
"Well, thank you, Ms.... Berry. That was something... quite different." The woman at the front spoke up, and Kurt frowned, wanting to slap her.  
"Sorry." A man stood, stopping Rachel as she went to head off of the stage. "Rachel. Suddenly, something happened to you in the middle of the song. What was going on there?"

Rachel smiled, shrugging a little. "I was thinking about my friends. Um, how I wouldn't be the person I am today, standing in front of you, doing what I'm doing right now if they hadn't shown me that I could, if they hadn't believed in me." She glanced to Kurt, and he winked at her, trying to keep the tears at bay.   
The man nodded. "Thank you."  
And Rachel headed off the stage. Kurt stood, quietly sneaking back out and meeting the girl at the front of the theatre, engulfing her in a hug immediately. She laughed. "Hey!" Pulling back she grinned. "So, what do you think?"  
  
She looked nervous and Kurt smiled. "Rachel Berry, you are an amazing performer, and if they don't see that then they can shove it."  
Rachel laughed, hooking her arm in his and leading them toward the subway. She chatted at him and he couldn't help but feel proud of his best friend.   
When they got home Rachel said she was just going to relax in her room.   
"Have you seen Santana?" Kurt raised a brow. "She hasn't been home when I have."  
"She's working from what she told me." Rachel answered, giving him another hug and thanks for being there to support her, before she headed back into her room. 

Kurt put his new items on the bookshelf and TV mantel and his new clothes on his clothes wrack when his phone began to ring. He expected Sebastian, but it was Finn's face who flashed up.   
He sighed, surprised his brother hadn't phoned him before now.   
Not wanting to disturb Rachel, he headed out onto the balcony for some privacy. "Hey, Finn..."  
"Hey dude, why did you leave the party?" His brother's voice came.   
  
"I just... didn't feel like I belonged, besides, I had classes today so..." He fumbled for what to tell him, but Finn sounded distracted anyway. "Finn?"  
"Can you keep a secret?" Finn suddenly asked, and Kurt felt something he didn't like settle in his stomach. "A proper secret, like you can't tell anyone."  
Kurt bit his lip, but let an agreement slip from his mouth. "Yeah, sure..."

There was a moments pause, before Finn sighed. "Well, me and Puck got invited to join the fraternity where the party was, the music cut out and we performed and they said we could join."  
"Ok?" Kurt asked, confused as to where this was going, but the way Finn sounded had worry shaking through him. He didn't like where this was going.   
"Well when Puck was doing another song one of the dudes took me to one side and he asked me if I... if I wanted to try something..."  
Kurt paused for a second. "As-as in?" His voice was quiet and small, but something was up.   
"They had... like, pills and-and lines of stuff..." Finn quickly admitted and Kurt's heart sank.   
  
"You... tried drugs?" Kurt mumbled, not sure what else to do other than stupidly ask his brother that question.   
"Yeah, but I don't wanna do it ever again, I was sorta freaking out, dude... Like, my dad died from that ya know? I shouldn't have done it, and I promised myself I won't ever again-"  
"Finn, it's ok..." Kurt nodded a little to himself. "Just... just promise me you won't ever do that again... ok?"  
He could hear Finn let out a sigh of relief. "Yeah, I promise."  
  
"I mean, I'm all for people experimenting with the... softer? Drugs? But nothing like... well, you know-"  
"It's ok, Kurt, I know I fucked up-"  
"No, no, that's not what I'm saying... I just... I don't think these guys from the party are good influences for you. I know you enjoyed being popular at school and everything, but... but just don't ruin everything for yourself by being associated with people like that. And even if you ARE, don't let them convince you into doing things that just... aren't you. You're your own person, and now you can say you've tried them, but you never will again."  
  
"You're the best brother ever." Finn's reply came, and Kurt could tell he was smiling.   
"I know~" Kurt chuckled. "How are you feeling anyway?"  
Finn sighed a little. "I'm good now, I don't really remember much." He laughed a little. "But you're right. Even if I hang around with them, that doesn't mean I gotta do what they do."  
"Exactly..." Kurt nodded a little. "Oh, shit, I got another call coming through."  
"Go ahead, bro. I'll phone you in a couple days, yeah?"  
  
"Definitely." Kurt smiled, they said their goodbyes.   
"Kurt, I just wanna say... you-you help me so much all the time, and I haven't always been that nice to you."  
"It's fine, Finn-"  
"It's not. But you're literally the coolest person I know, and... I love you, man." 

Kurt paused for a second, but smiled. "Love you too, Finn."  
"I'll let you go now, Puck says hi."  
Kurt chuckled. "Tell Noah I said hi, too." They said goodbye again and Kurt hung up, taking a second to think over what Finn had just told him, before he answered the other call. "Hello?"

"Hey, Hummel, you ok?" Sebastian's voice came.   
Kurt put on a smile. "Y-yeah-yeah, ready to meet up?"   
"Yeah, wanna pop by?" Sebastian asked, not believing Kurt's words at all.   
"Sure, I'll be there in a sec." He hung up and took a moment to think before jumping up and heading out. 

They decided to go to a cafe nearby, chatting as they drank coffee and Kurt tried to take his mind off of Finn. He just hoped the other boy would be ok.   
"So, you know how I bought the first series of Brooklyn 99 on DVD?" He asked and Sebastian nodded, sipping at his creamy coffee. "Well, I thought we could go back to the loft and binge watch it?"  
His smile fell at Sebastian's unsure look. "I-uh, I think I'll probably just go back to the hotel for the night, ya know, since Rachel's gonna be around the loft so much now she's waiting to hear back from the theatre..."  
"You don't have to." Kurt told him, his brows knitting together. "We don't have to hide our friendship-"  
"I know, but I also know Rachel talks to Blaine a lot. I don't wanna cause drama for you." Sebastian shrugged. 

"Since when?" Kurt tried to joke, but he was disappointed that they still had to hide their friendship.  
Sebastian let out a little chuckle. "Look, it's fine. I don't wanna cause you trouble with Anderson, dude's got control issues."  
Kurt sighed. "Well, we could always hang out at the hotel then?"   
"Ew." Sebastian laughed, earning a roll of the eyes from Kurt. "Seriously, princess, it's fine. We'll meet up again tomorrow anyway, right?"  
  
Kurt nodded a little. "Right."  
"Besides, once I move here you'll get sick of me." He smirked.   
"Exactly why I should get myself used to it." Kurt chuckled, sipping at his coffee. "Fine, but we're definitely hanging out tomorrow."  
"Deal." Sebastian smiled softly as he watched the other boy start talking about Rachel's audition. The love he had for his friends was outstanding, and confusing most of the time considering they hardly ever looked at him twice, but he didn't voice his concerns, not now. It had been a great few days, and he didn't want to ruin it by making Kurt feel like he had to pull away.   
  
So they sat in the cafe until they were the last people there, and the woman behind the counter told them they'd have to pack up because they needed to close. Kurt apologised and they headed out, taking a slow stroll down the street until they came to the hotel.   
"Well, this is me." Sebastian joked and Kurt laughed, and good GOD he needed to stop making the older boy laugh... "Phone me in the morning, yeah?"   
Kurt nodded with a smile. "Of course."  
There was a pause, and before Sebastian could stop himself, he pulled the other boy into a hug. It was brief, only lasting a second, but it felt good. He nodded, turning and heading into the hotel before Kurt could say anything. 

\------------

Sebastian had text Kurt the next morning, telling him Isabelle had invited him to breakfast, and that he should spend some time with Rachel before she got worried at his sneaking out. Kurt agreed, and told him to say hi to Isabelle, and to phone him when he was done.  
"So, what is Broadway Daycare exactly?" He asked his roommate as he sat next to her, handing over a cup of tea and blowing on his own to cool it down.   
Rachel had been lounging at the kitchen table all day, staring at her silent phone. She sighed. "All the show people who have kids... while they're rehearsing or performing... they send them to Shelby's studio and she teaches them, like, dance routines and songs and plays theatre games with them." She shrugged. "It's like Fame for toddlers."

He smiled, but she went right back to staring at the phone. "Well, no news is good news, right? Cookie?" He smiled, holding open the box of cookies Sebastian had bought for them yesterday.   
"At this point, if I haven't heard anything...?" Rachel mumbled, flashing him a pleading look. He just didn't know what to do, so he rubbed her back a little. "Life goes on. You know, Fanny was just a dream. I read on BroadwayWorld.com that they're doing a production of 'Sweeney Todd' at the Pasadena Playhouse, and... I don't know... I think Johanna could be a good role for me." She shrugged, and Kurt couldn't help but file that information away for later, having a love for Sweeney Todd, maybe he could audition for Sweeney...? But his friend needed help right now, so he pushed those thoughts back and turned his attention back to Rachel.   
  
"Do you regret not doing Barbra for the audition?" He asked softly. He had loved her performance, it was a lot more raw than Barbara would have been, but he knew Rachel had been worried about it.   
"No way." She shook her head and Kurt smiled wider. "Honestly, something so special and something magical happened in that room, and if those producers are too... narrow-minded or star-obsessed..." She trailed off as her phone started ringing. They both turned their attention to the offending object. "Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's a number I don't recognise. What do I do? What do I do?!" She asked him, standing up frantically. 

"Uh-Ans-ans-answer it. Answer it. Yes, yes, yes!" He told her, also freaking out.   
"Pick it up? Okay." She took a breath and brought the phone up to her ear. "Hello? Uh, yes, this is she. Uh, yeah, of-of cour... of course. Yes. Yes. Thank you so much. Thank you." She pulled the phone away, nodding a little but giving nothing away, and Kurt thought his heart might just explode. "That was... one of the producers."

"And?!" He asked, not at all calm in the situation.   
"And I got a callback for Fanny!" She told him, a beaming smile coming over her face as he jumped up and wrapped his arms around her. She laughed. "I got a callback!"  
They began talking excitedly over each other, hugging a few more times. "Rachel, I am SO proud of you." He smiled at her.   
"I couldn't have done it without you. Honestly, I wouldn't have even auditioned if you hadn't signed me up."  
Kurt smiled a little. "I didn't do anything, it was all you. You deserve this."  
  
They celebrated with a bottle of champagne Rachel's dads had bought with them when they visited, and they hung out for a while until Rachel retreated to bed. He hadn't realised the entire day had gone so quickly, and he checked his phone, seeing a few texts from Sebastian. He had expected the other boy to be mad at him, since he'd forgotten about his phone and spent the day trying to make sure Rachel was ok. 

'Chipmunk x - Hey, princess, Isabelle wants to hang out for the day, is that ok? x'

'Chipmunk x - I know we planned to hang out so just say the word and I'll cancel? x'

'Chipmunk x - Hey, you wanna go somewhere? x'

Kurt smiled, not used to people not throwing a fit when he didn't reply. Blaine used to rush round to his house when he would forget to reply because he was in the shower or hanging out with his dad. But Sebastian understood and he clicked on the messages. 

'Kurt x - Hey, sorry, Rachel was feeling down all day! She's gone to bed so we can meet up if you and Isabelle are done? x'

'Chipmunk x - Yeah, just sat at the Vogue office if you wanna come meet me here?x'

'Kurt x - I'll be there soon! x'

'Chipmunk x - Can't wait ;) x'

\------------

Isabelle wrapped him in a hug when he got there, asking if he was ok to work in a couple nights time.   
"Of course, I've missed being around." Kurt smiled. "So, did you guys have fun?"   
"Meh." Sebastian shrugged, laughing as Isabelle slapped his arm. "Hey, I'm not gonna complain at free steak."  
"You're so mean to me." Isabelle rolled her eyes.   
  
Sebastian stood from being lounged over the chair. "You wouldn't have me any other way." He smirked, hugging her.   
They said goodbye and headed out into New York. "So, what did you have planned?" Kurt smiled, stuffing his hands into his pockets as they walked.   
"Well, I was thinking we can go to a club." Sebastian suggested, though seemed nervous at the other boy's reaction.   
But Kurt was grinning. "That's a great idea! Come on, they know me at Internationalz!" He grabbed Sebastian's arm and the other boy laughed as they got in line.   
  
The bouncer spotted Kurt and beckoned them over. "Go ahead, Kurt." He sent him a wink and Kurt grinned.   
"Thank you!" He called back, pulling Sebastian through people into the club. It wasn't as busy as it had been on the weekends, in fact it was fairly dead tonight. Must be an off night, but Kurt didn't seem to mind, heading to the bar and greeting the man behind it.   
"Hey, cutie, same as usual?" The bartender asked.   
"You bet, make it two." Kurt chuckled as Sebastian popped up next to him, confusion plastered over his face.   
  
"Someone special?" The bartender asked, pulling out two glasses from the shelf as another bartender walked back, placing a quick kiss to the first bartenders lips and greeting Kurt.   
"A friend from Ohio." Kurt smiled, pulling two chairs over for himself and Sebastian, who found his voice finally.   
"Sebastian." He nodded at the barman, sitting himself down on the stool next to Kurt.   
The guy smiled. "James. That's Jamie." He nodded to the other man behind the bar, who waved.   
  
"It's funny if you just shout 'J' at them." Kurt chuckled, thanking James as he placed the drinks down in front of them.   
"It decidedly is not." Jamie laughed. He was a very large man, muscled and tall, dark skinned with green eyes. Very distinct as he wrapped an arm around James' shoulder, a stark contrast to the pale, auburn haired slight man next to him. But they were cute together.   
Sebastian pulled his wallet out but James shook his head. "First one's free. Especially for a star customer."  
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Uh-huh."  
  
They sat chatting with the two barmen for a while, and Sebastian asked how long they'd been together, they told him two years.   
Kurt came back from the bathroom and grabbed Sebastian's arm. "Let's dance!" He called, making the 'two J's' as Kurt had dubbed them laugh, James shooting a small wave after Sebastian.   
At first he wasn't sure what to do as Kurt started dancing around, his chest was threatening to explode as that flutter flew through him again, but he soon joined in.   
"Shit Hummel, since when have you been good at handling your drinks?!" He chuckled, and Kurt bit his lip, giggling a little. "And dancing!"   
  
He shrugged, still swinging his hips around in time to the music. "I'm at NYADA, Cassie's taught me how to dance better than I already could. It was mostly just rhythm I'm not the best with."  
They continued dancing, and Sebastian asked himself how Kurt didn't notice that every guys eyes were on him as he danced. He seemed completely oblivious to the stares and hungry looks. He was just having a good time, and Sebastian felt that warm feeling come over him again, and he knew it wasn't the alcohol as he watched the other boy dancing around. He just didn't realise what it meant. 


	21. At the Ballet

Sebastian blinked at the sun streaming into the room, glancing around from the bed and spotting the glass of water on the table with a note and two aspirin.   
He smiled, picking up the note. 

'Rachel wanted to talk to me and then I have class, didn't want to wake you, I'll message when done? x'

He smiled, taking the pills and downing the water before laying back down on his back, wondering what he'd do this morning.

\------------

Kurt and Rachel watched Santana as she dragged in an old chair into the loft, not saying anything until she had finished struggling with the item. "Right? I found this out by the Dumpster." She smirked, pointing to the chair, and the other roommates shared a look. "With a little TLC and three clicks from Kurt's ruby slippers, this bad boy would be salvageable."  
"Um, can you please take a seat, because Kurt and I would like to have a conversation with you." Rachel spoke up, shuffling away from the dumpster chair.   
Santana sat, but didn't look happy about another loft talk. "All right, you know what, Rachel, if you are still obsessing over what you're gonna sing at your Funny Girl callback, may I suggest your best jam ever; 'Run, Joey, Run'."

"We think you're throwing your life away." Kurt spoke up before they could get off topic. Besides, he was worried about Santana, she was one of his best friends as unbelievable as that was, and he knew she had had dreams when in school. He knew she'd lost her way recently and while he understood the need for a job - hell he'd been having to do odd jobs here and there to make rent - she should be doing something she loves instead of technically selling her body for her smaller share of the rent. She was paying a lot less than himself and Rachel after all, since she didn't have an official room. Santana raised a brow at him, folding her arms as if ready to kick off. "It's bad enough you let those horny tourists grope you for tips at that awful Coyote Ugly bar, but Tina just informed me that you are now a bouncer at a lesbian beer garden?" He questioned, hoping she could see his worry evident on his face and know he wasn't just picking a fight. He'd had too many fights with the girls since moving here and his mental state could only take so much.   
  
"And you're a go-go girl. A go-go girl!" Rachel added.   
"Oh, yeah, a girl-bar go-go girl." Kurt agreed.   
"I am a cage dancer... BIG difference." Santana argued, and once again the two shared a look. "I'm dressed as Barbarella, and I'm sorry, but some of us actually need to work for a living."  
Kurt frowned, after doing so many shifts for her at her various jobs, and still giving her the money, she should know not to say things like that to him. "  
"Okay, that's not the point." Rachel sighed. 

"Okay, you're so talented, Santana." Kurt agreed and Rachel nodded, continuing.   
"You're, like, the most talented person I know, obviously with the exception of me and Kurt. But your voice, it's electric, and I would kill for half of your dancing abilities. So I'm telling you what you told me, which is that you just need to stop and focus on your talent." The girl explained, and Kurt knew the look on Santana's face. He wouldn't have noticed a year ago, and he doubted Rachel noticed, but the other girl was scared. And he could relate, so he refrained from speaking in case he said something wrong. 

"Well, maybe I don't want to be in Funny Girl, okay? Or be a singing waiter at the Fire Island Pancake Shack. So why don't you just stop trying to force all of your creaky old-time Broadway dreams on to my amazingly awesome dream." Santana stood, her arms still folded.   
Kurt looked up at her. "And what's that?"  
"I am trying to figure that out..." She admitted, and Kurt offered her that knowing nod. She sighed, looking back to Rachel since she knew Kurt would be more understanding. "What is so wrong with taking a little time to figure things out?"

"Nothing. But what about doing something in the meantime?" Rachel asked back, sitting forward. "Like dance lessons? NYADA has a great extension program for non-students."  
Kurt nodded. "Yeah. Something to keep your motors revved..." He trailed off when the girl looked back his way. He could tell she felt attacked and he had tried to tell Rachel that they shouldn't corner her like that.   
"You know... My 'motor' is revved every night that I cage dance." She told him coldly. "And while I appreciate your pity, I don't really think I need to be taking any advice from TV's Blossom and Lady Elaine Fairchilde." She turned and walked toward the door.   
"Would you take your chair with you?" Rachel asked before she could leave, but Santana ignored her. 

The two roommates shared a look, but Kurt was distracted now, he just wanted his friends to be happy... "Well, I have class." He spoke up, pushing himself from the sofa and readjusting his massive baggy hoody before he pulled his satchel bag over his shoulder. "Any plans for today?"  
"I have a late afternoon singing class but other than that I'm just going to practice for Funny Girl, I need to put all my attention into that at the moment, you know?"  
Kurt smiled. "I know. I can bring you back a coffee later?"   
"That sounds amazing." Rachel grinned and Kurt waved to her as he left the loft. 

\-----------

Sebastian found Kurt at NYADA, practising his ballet by the looks of it. Kurt had told him it helped him clear his head, and Sebastian couldn't help but admire him, watching him practice and move with such delicacy and precision at the same time. He smiled watching him as the light glistened through the windows. "Not interrupting, am I?" He finally spoke up, making the other boy jump, almost falling but stumbled back up as Sebastian grabbed his sleeve. He chuckled a little. "Sorry."  
  
"No problem." Kurt smiled, adjusting his massive jumper. Sebastian smiled back, he had to admit, even with how much weight Kurt had lost, he did look adorable in a big baggy jumper like that. Oversized clothes looked as good as his tight fit clothes in all honesty, and Sebastian shook his head a little, clearing his throat casually.   
"So, how was today?" He asked, trying to take his focus off of the other boy in the early sunset light from the big long windows.   
Kurt shrugged a little. "I'm worried about Santana, but I had a bit of a rough couple lessons. Just one of those days." He shrugged again. "Sorry, anyway, I have to go to Vogue, if you want to come see Isabelle?"   
Sebastian smiled. "Of course, let's go."   
  
They headed to Vogue, and Kurt had just put his bag down when one of the other interns walked over. "Hey, Kurt, long time no see." He smiled. "Isabelle asked to see you as soon as you got here."  
Kurt nodded a little, watching as the intern walked away. Sebastian saw how worried he seemed. "What's wrong?"   
Kurt shook his head a little, not answering. But he took a deep breath and headed over to the office.   
He knocked a little and pushed the door open slightly. "Isabelle...?"

She held her finger up to tell him to wait a minute, but beckoned him in. He let Sebastian take the lead.  
"Great, so we'll include a Blu-ray of Black Swan, um, in the gift bag and a note from the director, 'How Ballet Inspired Me'." Isabelle was saying into the phone. "Oh, that's perfect. Thanks, Darren. I appreciate it. Oh, and, uh, listen, you're at my table, seated next to Christopher. So be nice. All right, bye."

"Darren...?" Kurt asked softly, finding his voice.   
"Aronofsky. Christopher Nolan." Sebastian explained, knowing his aunt well enough by now.   
"Oh."  
Isabelle nodded to Kurt, who unlike Sebastian, was still stood up. "You may be seated." Kurt paused for a second, but a nod from Sebastian had him heading over and sitting down. "So, first of all, how is your dad?" Isabelle asked. 

"Oh, uh, thank you for asking. He's doing good." Kurt let himself relax a little, but not fully, and Sebastian could tell. "Um, he's back at work, and all his treatments seem to be working." Sebastian smiled at him, he knew how much the other boy loved his dad, he couldn't imagine going through this after the whole heart attack thing, plus losing his mom. He knew Kurt was strong, but he hadn't known about that other stuff until recently.   
Isabelle smiled. "Good, I'm happy to hear that."

"I thought you might have called me in here because, um, you were gonna fire me." Kurt muttered, finally admitting why he was nervous.   
She looked to Sebastian. "Why don't you go occupy yourself with the magazines and cute boys on my team, honey?"  
Sebastian rolled his eyes, but got up, heading out of the office.  
"What? Why would I do that?" Isabelle asked Kurt once the door was closed again.   
  
"When you gave me the internship, you said it would be 24/7, and ever since I got accepted to NYADA...-" Kurt began explaining and Isabelle nodded.   
"You haven't been coming in as much. We've noticed. But quality trumps quantity always. And though NYADA's gain is Vogue.com's loss, I will never stop anyone from pursuing their passion." She smiled, and he let himself relax a little. But I need your help." Kurt nodded enthusiastically, wanting to prove himself. "You know I'm co-chairing the gala for New York City Ballet's educational programs?"

"Yeah, it's only the social event of the performing arts season!" Kurt grinned.   
"My celebrity wrangler just cancelled." Isabelle explained. "It was going to be Anna's daughter, but she got the chicken pox à la Barbara Walters. So I need somebody. I need somebody good who can dive in ASAP!"  
"If anyone else does this, I-I will literally die." Kurt told her, and she smiled that smile at his expression.   
"Okay. All right. Yes. And listen, um, if you want to draft a couple of friends to help you out, that's good, too. Yeah?" She excused him as she got another phone call and he headed back out into the main office, a skip in his step and a smile he couldn't keep off his face. 

Sebastian noticed and smirked, folding his arms as he came over. "Happiness suits you, princess."   
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Don't push it, Smythe." He got behind his desk and began working on the new project, opening the emails Isabelle had sent him with all the celebrity guests included.   
Isabelle came out of the office not long after, coming over and hugging Sebastian.   
"I'm gonna hang out at Kurt's desk for a bit, that cool?" He asked and Isabelle sighed.   
"That's fine Bas, as long as you don't distract him while he's working." She told him sternly, but smiled.   
  
"It'll probably be my last night in New York for a while, so I'll make sure to properly say bye before I go."   
"You better." She smiled, ruffling his hair before heading off to a meeting. 

\------------

Sebastian had to admit, Kurt was a HARD worker. The boy had let him distract him for five minutes before he got on with the task at hand, not taking any breaks as they sat around into the night. Sebastian had bought him a coffee at one point, and made him finish the whole cup before he was allowed to continue. He also ordered food for them when it was just himself, Kurt and Isabelle left.  
And still the other boy showed no sign of letting up working, despite how super tired he looked.  
Kurt didn't want to admit how drained he felt, how he could feel the start point of a cold, because then Isabelle would probably insist he head home to rest, and he had work to do.  
  
They stayed for a few more hours, even after Isabelle had said goodbye to them. Sebastian wondered off to make some more coffee, and when he came back he smiled seeing Kurt asleep at his desk. He shook his head, knowing the other boy wasn't feeling good. His skin had grown more pale than usual as the day went on, and he kept rubbing at his eyes every so often when he thought Sebastian was too busy throwing paper planes across the room to notice.   
He pulled his phone out, calling a taxi. Not long later he'd managed to get a very tired, confused Kurt to leave his desk and got him into the cab. He got him back to the loft and stood outside with him. The other boy was still dead on his feet, having slept for the whole drive. Sebastian refused to move him off of his shoulder, the other boy needed sleep and he wasn't going to get in the way of that. 

"Take some cold medicine, princess." He told him firmly with a smile. "And get some rest." He hugged Kurt to him for a moment, before letting go and watching him head toward the door.   
"You need to let me know when you're next gonna be in New York." The tired boy told him, stifling a yawn before heading inside.  
Sebastian nodded, watching him go before heading to the hotel, ready to pack and head to the airport for his fight.  
  
\------------

"Ladies?" Kurt asked as he walked into the loft, still half asleep and fighting off a yawn. "What is the event the Big Apple's hoi polloi must be invited to, or they'll pull a Javert and swan dive off the Chrysler Building?" His roommates stared at him waiting for him to continue. "The New York City Ballet Gala, duh. And guess who gets to attend if they just volunteer a few short hours?"  
"Anne Hathaway?" Santana asked sarcastically.   
"It's us, it's us!"  
Rachel grinned, jumping up from her spot on the sofa. "Are you serious?"

"And just when you thought it couldn't get any gayer, it does." Santana joked.   
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Make fun of it all you want, but the New York City Ballet Gala, it's a celebration of a timeless art."  
"If it wasn't for ballet, I wouldn't be here." Rachel smiled. "It was my gateway into show business. My dance teacher told me that I was a mini Margot Fonteyn. She taught me the power of music, and although that dance studio was just a tiny, moldy Lima storefront, to me, it was the most beautiful place on earth."

Kurt smiled thinking about his own ballet classes, it was something that had always settled him, even if over the years peoples harsh words cut into him more. "I started ballet at the ripe old age of three. My mom enrolled me after seeing me in front of the TV, jetéing and debouléeing to the Blues Clues theme song." He reminisced. "That ballet class was one of the few places that just seemed to fit. And even when I saw some of the kids and their parents laughing at me, something inside my little brain said, 'Screw them. Just go for it, Hummel'. My can-do attitude was born in that room."

"And I skipped all that crap to study the timeless art of crunk." Santana smirked and the other two rolled their eyes.   
Rachel turned back to Kurt. "Look, you can tell Isabelle that I am definitely in."  
"Not me, count me out."  
Kurt looked to the other girl, cocking his hip. "You mean you don't want to wear a designer dress from the legendary Vogue.com vault that you get to keep as a gift?" He smirked, knowing he had her hooked round his finger.   
She sighed. "I'm in."  
  
\------------

Kurt had spent many hours that night, frustrated, taking in the suit he wanted to wear to the event so it fit better. He just didn't understand, how could he still be taking in his clothes when his reflection only grew larger and larger. He couldn't remember the last time he ate anything properly, he was surviving on coffee, alcohol and the odd snack he could manage to actually stomach. But still all he could see was that same chubby, pear-hipped boy staring back at him, beginning him to get healthier, to just stop eating, to at least try and slim down. 

Tonight was one of those nights where Kurt was teetering on the edge of a breakdown, his hands shaking, trembling and his chest rocking itself with anger with every breath he took. He didn't know why, but it was only making him more frustrated.   
He'd finally managed to get the fitting right after hours of messing with the suit, and he looked at himself in the mirror. He would have loved to have said he was relieved to finally get it finished, but his reflection only ruined that for him. So he took the suit off and pulled on his baggy, comfy clothes again before heading out into the kitchen to make some coffee.

He'd been feeling more and more tired recently, no matter how much he rested. He knew he had a hectic schedule, Vogue, classes, keeping up with his friends in Ohio AND his friends in New York, keeping Adam satisfied and happy, jogging and exercising, designing, writing, covering shifts for Santana sometimes, helping Cassie in her other classes and recently helping teach some of the other classes at NYADA... There was so much. But at least he wasn't bored and alone with his thoughts, because he knew that would be worse than never having a minute to himself for the rest of his life. 

He spotted Santana watching TV and headed over, pulling his sleeves down over his hands subconsciously.   
He knew she knew he was in an off mood, and she didn't say anything, simply offered a smile and opened her arms for him. He walked over, curling up next to her and watching the TV with her in comfortable silence as he tried to stop his body shaking. He hid a cough behind his hands and Santana glanced to him. After a while he grabbed his notebook, continuing to work on the task set to him by Isabelle. "No, Lady Hummel, I wanna cuddle, stop working for once." She groaned. 

He sighed, but smiled, putting his notebook to one side, snuggling back up with her, enjoying the warmth she bought to him. He often forgot how cold he was until he was curled up with the girls or with Adam. "Why did you lie about ballet?" He asked softly, and she looked to him, confused. "You told me when we were on a Cheerios trip that you used to do it... Why lie?"  
She sighed. "I didn't want to seem like everyone else." A shrug. "It's embarrassing."

Kurt offered an understanding smile, and she looked like she wanted to say more, but he wouldn't push her to talk. He simply held her hand, offering support if she needed it. She send a grateful smile his way. "I admit it, I feel down working at the places I work." He raised a brow, not expecting that to be what was on her mind. "Even though I'm good at it, I don't want to just be a bouncer or a cage dancer forever. But I don't know how to take any steps toward my dream..."  
Kurt smiled. "You know, the best way to start running is to take the first step."

\------------  
  
"Okay, you're on Rex Reed duty, Kurt." Isabelle told him, stressed over this going well. "Keep him away from the open bar."  
Kurt nodded, looked like he wouldn't be able to take advantage of the open bar either then... "Gotcha."  
"Hey, Santana, how do you feel about Cherry Jones?" Isabelle asked the girl, who shrugged.   
"Whatevs."

Rachel stepped forward. "Miss Isabelle, I'm sorry, I know that we're just volunteers here, but Kurt and I were wondering if there was any possibility that we could maybe watch the performance from the audience?"  
"Absolutely not." Isabelle answered, and Rachel looked taken back.   
"I'm sorry."  
Isabelle then smiled; "You're gonna be watching from the wings with me. It's the best seat in the house. Santana, you want to join us?"

But Rachel cut in before the other girl could answer. "Oh, Santana doesn't like ballet. She's only here for the gown and the swag-bag."  
"Oh, I don't believe that." Isabelle shook her head, smiling at Santana. "Every little girl, no matter where she ends up... even at Vogue.com... starts out wanting to be a ballerina."  
Rachel shrugged. "Not Santana. We've discussed it. Kurt, can I just show you-"  
"Shut up, Berry." Santana told the smaller girl. "I actually did take ballet classes. My Abuela put me in them when I was little, because I was such a tomboy and it really pissed my dad off. I only took a few lessons, but... it helped me, uh, escape a little, you know? It was the first time I danced." She explained, and Kurt smiled watching her, loving seeing how happy she was talking about dance, the same as she had been when first telling him a few years ago about ballet. "I felt safe there, and... not different. And part of something... beautiful."

They all watched the performance from the wing Isabelle had acquired, it WAS an amazing view. Kurt hoped the others couldn't see him let go of his emotions while watching the dancers. The music and lack of speech was eerie and beautiful and he couldn't help but be moved by it.   
Santana silently took a hold of his hand during the performance, and they shared a smile before looking back at the dancers on stage. 

Afterwards, after some of the celebrities had gotten wind that the group were performers, they were asked to sing a special song at the after party. Kurt had wanted to refuse at first, not feeling up to performing right now, not this week, this week was difficult for him mentally since Sebastian had gone back to Ohio, but the others all agreed, and Kurt got dragged in.   
After the performance they all mingled around, trying to look after their celebrities. Kurt was growing increasingly annoyed that he had to stay as far from the bar as possible, he needed something to calm his ever heightening nerves being around this many people, but he wasn't allowed even near the bar. Safe to say his frustration was only growing more and more. 

Santana found the group as they were chatting, Isabelle seemed to have caught how shaky and snappy Kurt was getting and decided to give them a break by having a chat. Santana walked over and Kurt smiled at her. "Sorry." She told them. "Listen, I really love dancing. I just-I'm not like you guys. I don't know what I want to do or how I'm even gonna get there..." She admitted.   
Kurt took a hold of her hand, and Isabelle patted her on the shoulder. "But you have plenty of time to figure it out."  
"And... it doesn't have to be ballet or Broadway, just as long as it's something that you love." Kurt added.   
Isabelle smiled at him. "Something that feeds your soul. And, Santana, baby steps are okay."

\------------

Kurt had been roped in to help lead the public dance class at NYADA the next day, and with how late they got back from the party, had hadn't made it to bed until very late, and even then he couldn't sleep. Too stressed that he ended up doing sit ups for hours on end until he collapsed on the floor. After that he'd barely given himself a moment to breathe before getting in a shower, pulling his usual tight exercise clothes on and a big baggy jumper over the top and rushing out to go to NYADA so he could get a proper coffee before he had to help the class. 

He paused for a second when he saw his room mate walk in, but smiled, happy to see her.   
"You're late." The tutor frowned.   
Santana shrugged, heading over to the group. "I like to make an entrance. And if we're really gonna talk about late, can you say something to Gramps right here?" She pointed to an older man and Kurt rolled his eyes a little.   
"Sit." The teacher told them all. "This is NYADA Extension. You sign up, you pay, you get in. Anyone. And what I was going to say was that I hope none of you came here expecting that it would help you get into NYADA as a student." She motioned to Kurt, who offered an awkward smile to the group. 

Santana scoffed out a laugh. "Good. 'Cause the last thing I want to do is pay 30 grand a year to get a degree for doing something that I'm already freakin' Wonder Woman at." Kurt couldn't help but smile at that, and at the tutors confused expression.   
"Then what are you doing here?"  
"...I love to dance. I'm an artist, but... I sort of lost touch with that part of myself lately, and so I'm here to... do some reintroducing." Santana explained, and sent Kurt a smile.

The tutor nodded. "I can dig that. Everybody up. To the bar. Pliés, please. Two demi, one grand, port de bras forward."   
As the tutor got on with teacher, Kurt walked round giving people pointers. He smiled at his friend, seeing her falling back in love with her passion. He winked at her, and she smiled widely as Kurt went to the front of the room when the tutor asked for his help, happy Santana was happy. 


	22. Sky Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit shorter I think? 
> 
> Don't worry, I have plans, sort of~ :')
> 
> I'm going to preemptively say, I'm sorry for this one.

"Two more days until Dad gets his test results." Kurt told Sebastian over the phone. "Either all of the stuff the doctors have been doing has worked and he's cancer free... or it hasn't." He ranted while he packed, placing everything in a specific place. His mental state had only gotten worse over the past week, knowing they would be getting the results soon. Sebastian had tried to help as best he could from Ohio, but Kurt had been closing himself off a lot more. He'd ate absolutely nothing, surviving on only coffee and exercise, and his cold had hit in full force and apparently refused to leave. "I have to be there for the appointment, mostly to translate for Dad. Why do perfectly intelligent parents become completely unreliable when they have to go to the doctor?"  
  
Sebastian chuckled, just happy the other boy was opening up a bit.  
"I'm only packing light blue socks because light blue is the colour of clear skies, and that's what I'm hoping for." He sighed, closing up his suitcase. "Yes, I'm getting a little OCD leading up to this appointment." He admitted when the Warbler didn't say anything. "Rachel said it was a natural response, just me looking to control my anxiety in some way." He sighed again, sitting down hard on the edge of his bed when a new wave of dizziness hit him.   
  
"I figure I need to cut myself some slack." He told Sebastian quietly, staring at the floor. "So what if I have a few new rituals to get me through the day? Oh, crap, it's 4:14." He tapped his nose a couple times, and when Sebastian asked why that time was important, he paused for a second. "I touch my nose three times at 14 and 28 past the hour for good luck." He sighed again, running a hand through his hair. "I know every kid is scared of losing their dad, but he's the only thing that got me through my mom dying, and if I have to say good-bye to him, too, well, I'm not going to think about it." 

\------------

They chatted more as Kurt sat in the taxi on the way to the airport, the Warbler trying to help calm his nerves. "So, looking forward to anything while you're back in this cow town?" He asked, and Kurt chuckled a little, before dissolving into a cough.   
"Well, coming back for Dad is also the perfect excuse to come see everyone... and Blaine-"  
"Kurt..."  
Kurt sighed. "Don't worry, we're not hooking up this time. It feels weird seeing him, still, but not as weird... I can't tell if that makes me feel sad or not..."  
  
"Kurt, everyone gets to that point if their ex is still in their life." Sebastian admitted. "Not that I let boys I've been with be close to me. It's fine to feel sad, but... are you sure you're sad that that part of your life is over, or about everything he's done to you?"  
Kurt frowned a little. "We're not talking about this again, Seb..."   
"Ok, ok, I'm sorry. You know I'm just tryna make sure you're ok, princess."   
  
"I know... I appreciate it. And you're right, I do still feel terrible when I think about what Blaine did, but I'm a forgiving person, and I just can't go cutting him out." He stated before he could stop himself. "I mean, he was my first love, and-and I think, I don't know, I-I-I think I still..." He coughed a little.   
"Ok, take a breath." Sebastian told him. "Don't think about it, ok? This is about your dad, not Blaine. I know he demands attention but, just try not to focus on it."   
Kurt nodded a little. "Yeah... yeah, ok." He rubbed his throat a little. "At least I know I won't have to face this all alone. Lucky for me, there are a few other people in town this week to walk alongside me. He looked up as they arrived at the airport. "I have to go, maybe we can meet up while I'm here?"  
Sebastian smiled. "Wouldn't miss it. Have a good flight, princess."

\------------

Kurt had tried to concentrate on Kitty's rendition of 'signed, sealed, delivered', but he just couldn't. His head was all over the place, but he forced himself back into the room when the girls tarted talking, realising the performance was over. "Seemed like the perfect Stevie song to celebrate Artie getting his acceptance letter into film school." Kitty smirked at the boy in the wheelchair, who frowned. "Signed, sealed, delivered."  
"Well, you know, that may have been the perfect song, but that performance was just one package that I'm not signing for." Mercedes spoke up, and Kurt looked to his old best friend. "I mean, honestly, it was good, but you guys have got to be great for regionals."

Kitty didn't look happy with Mercedes words of wisdom, and Kurt felt a headache coming on. "Yeah, clearly we should be taking our advice from someone who came crawling back to Ohio after apparently having her L.A. dream shattered. You learn your new lyrics yet? Do you want fries with that~?"  
Kurt was sick of the girl's attitude, she'd given him a lot of shit over the summer simply for her own amusement, but he wouldn't let her talk to his friends like that. But before he could speak up, Mercedes was already talking. "Oh, well, maybe if you put some of that sass in your performance, your teacher wouldn't have begged me to come here and be your new vocal coach." She smirked, and Kurt smiled at her. She'd always been amazing at sticking up for herself. 

Mr Shue sat forward. "Mercedes is one of the strongest vocalists in McKinley Glee Club history."  
Kurt smiled, wanting to get his two cents in on this. "So get on point, Kitty, your little theory about Mercedes' shattered dreams, like most of the GARBAGE that comes out of your mouth, is wrong." He didn't want to admit he found himself satisfied in seeing Kitty's frown, she must have gotten used to him just taking her shit over summer, but he wasn't working at the Lima Bean anymore, and an attitude readjustment would go a long way. "All right, Mercedes is back because she has a new album coming out, all about home, and she's come back to film a video for it."

"Wow, Mercedes, that's awesome." Blaine spoke up, earning a smile from the girl.   
"And Mr. Shue asked me to help choreograph for regionals." Mike added, before Kitty could ask what he was doing here.   
But Tina didn't look happy, she turned to the other two. "I love you, Mike, I love all my exes. But this isn't wonderful news, it's shocking." She told him, turning her attention back to the front and folding her arms. "Now we need some guy to help us dance? Hashtag Glee Hates Girls. And what are you here to lecture us about, Kurt, our horrible taste in clothing?"

"My dad has cancer." Kurt deadpanned.  
"Thanks, Tina." Blaine muttered to the girl.   
Kurt excused himself as they all started talking again, heading out into the corridor. He paced up and down, tapping his finger against his hip in a specific order, trying to remain calm. 

\------------

Sebastian had finally decided to unpack from New York, when he came across a bag he hadn't remembered bringing or buying. He opened the bag, pulling out three thick books, all related to medicine and studying the medical field. He scoffed a little, his brows knitting together. He knew how expensive college books could be, especially in this field, and he knew exactly who had bought them and snuck them into his bag before sneaking out to go to classes.   
  
Sitting down hard on his bed, he thought about Kurt, and it all hit him like a tonne of bricks...

\------------

Mercedes had found Kurt in the corridor and hooked an arm into his, asking if he wanted to join the group at the Lima Bean. He smiled, seeing Mike and Blaine behind her, and agreed, letting her drag him to the parking lot as she started chatting about L.A.  
"All this marriage equality news is so exciting." Blaine bought the topic up to Kurt as they picked up their drinks. Kurt had ordered a couple extra shots of espresso, hoping it would wake him up more.  
He nodded. "New York. It's just... it's gonna be insane. Isabelle's already consulting on like, seven different gay weddings." He explained, happy Isabelle had asked for his help in some of the wedding plannings. Though he didn't want to talk to Blaine about work, last time he decided to talk about work too much, Blaine had cheated. He didn't want to risk their new renewed friendship by boring him, or annoying him, or making him feel like he didn't have a word.

Blaine grinned at him. "It's historic, and soon I'm going to be in New York to see it." He stopped Kurt for a second, letting the other two grab a table. "By the way, you look cute today. And I mean like, like, dirty-cute." He winked, before heading to the table.   
Kurt paused for a second, but pushed on, sitting down with them. His nerves had been building up even more now that he was back in Lima, and he grabbed the basket of sugars on the table, organising them in front of him and barely paying attention to what the group was saying. He could feel Blaine's eyes on him, and the other two glancing to what he was doing every so often, but he ignored it. The Blaine of it all was making him anxious as well. Bringing up marriage equality, calling him cute, and sexy... It wasn't something he could handle right now, not with everything else going on.

"The album is called Hell 2 The No, based off of the soon-to-be hit single." Mercedes was explaining.   
Blaine smiled. "I love it."  
Mercedes turned to Mike. "But for the music video, Mike, you know, it's got to be bumping, and fast and furious, but also soulful and smooth, but like 'smoov', you know, like smooth with a 'V'." Mike nodded along, amused by the girl's explanation. "And I want eleganza, I want club kid sickness, I want fresh, fresh, fresh. It's got to pop." 

"You are so L.A. right now it's breathless." Kurt mumbled, still fiddling with the sugars.   
Mercedes smiled at him. "Mike knows what I'm talking about, right?"  
"Oh, I totally know what you mean." Mike made a face and Blaine laughed. "Don't worry. I'm all over it. With what I've learned at the Joffrey, I've got new moves so hot you're gonna want to say; 'Hell to the yes'."  
"Yeah, don't change the brand. No." Mercedes chuckled. 

"I'm so glad you guys are back here just before regionals." Blaine smiled at them, taking a swig of his drink. "We really need you around." He looked back to Kurt, who had zoned out quite a bit at this point. All he knew was he was becoming more and more irritated, his hands shaking, and the mundane conversation was stressing him out, making his head buzz.   
Mike nodded at Blaine. "You're gonna nail it, no sweat."  
"All right, so what's going on between you two?" Mercedes asked the two boys across from herself and mike, and Kurt finally looked up, staring at her for a moment. "Because it was pretty boy-on-boy heavy at the wedding."  
  
"We're not together." Kurt quickly replied, looking back down to the sugars, working harder to organise them.  
Blaine nodded, pouting a little. "Um, but it's cool."  
"Why did I hear that Tina did something to you called the vapo...?" Mercedes asked, and Blaine rolled his eyes.   
"Okay, look, is that really important right now?!" Kurt asked, throwing the sugar across the table in frustration, before looking down. "This doesn't matter."

Mercedes reached across the table, and he wanted so badly to pull away, but he let her hold his hand. "Kurt, your dad is gonna be fine."  
"Everything is gonna be okay." Blaine added.  
Mike nodded in agreement. "We're here."  
"Trust." Mercedes smiled, letting go of his hand as he nodded.   
He let out a shaky sigh, not looking to any of them, plastering a soft, fake smile on his face. 

\------------

"Alright everybody, let's give it up for Island Beetz recording artist extraordinaire, Mercedes Jones!" Mr Shuester introduced Mercedes, letting the star take the front of the room when everyone clapped.  
She clapped her hands together, addressing the room. "All right, all right. Now, I know that Kurt is going through a lot this week, but in spite of that, we are all very happy to be here." Kurt smiled at her words, looking down when Blaine took a hold of his hand, not really knowing what else to do. Funny, a few years ago when someone tried to touch him when he didn't want it he had no problem pulling away and telling them no. But with Blaine his resolve always managed to be destroyed. "As you may remember, we saw you guys at sectionals, and there's a reason that you guys lost." He zoned back in as Mercedes continued talking. "Fear. For instance, Marley. You have got killer vocals, home girl, so why is it that I've never heard you do a Mercedes Jones-style vocal run?" She put her hands on her hips accusatory. 

Marley shrugged a little, looking around at everyone. "I don't know. I-I guess I've just been scared to try-"  
"Exactly. You're scared to belt it out." Mercedes smiled. "And you're probably afraid that when you do, I'm gonna test your breath control by hitting you in the solar plexus with this maraca!~" She grabbed the said instrument from the top of the piano and grinned before turning to the band. "All right, give this girl a note to do a little runnin' with." Brad pressed a key, and Marley began running the note, grunting when Mercedes hit her in the sternum and everyone laughed.   
Kurt tried to pay attention, but he felt his mind wondering away from the group and to his dad once again. 

He zoned back in a few minutes later, forcing himself to pay attention to what Mercedes was saying. "Why don't you give us a little bit of that spooky Stevie Wonder bass line to get us moving. And all of y'all need to shake out your nerves and stop being so scared, and that includes you, Kurt. I know what you're going through, and this one's for you, baby." She winked at him, and he offered a small smile. "And, Marley, I want to hear those high notes, and don't be stingy with those runs." She motioned to the band again and sang through 'Superstitious'.

\------------

"How long have we been waiting?" Kurt asked, quiet and scared.   
Burt shrugged. "I don't know. Like... 15 minutes."  
Kurt frowned. "After a half hour in the waiting room...?" He trailed off, spotting the colour of his dad's shirt. Oh no... First, Blaine had been making any excuse to touch him, despite Kurt dating Adam, then Sebastian wasn't answering the phone at all, and now this? "Please tell me that is not a dark blue T-shirt under your flannel. All right, I asked you not to wear dark colours!" He folded his arms, holding himself as he shook. He was so cold in this room, and so worried he didn't care if his dad and Carole could see him visibly shivering. "Okay, dark blue is close to black, and we all know what black means-"

"I don't think my wardrobe is gonna have any impact on what the results are." Burt smiled at him.   
"But you don't know for sure, okay! I mean, I asked you to do one thing-"  
"I am barely keeping it together, Kurt!" Burt shouted at him, and he shrunk back, which apparently didn't go unnoticed by Carole if her worried gaze said anything. Kurt huddled around himself more, trying to keep eye contact with his dad, but glancing down to the floor. "Can you just knock it off please and sit down?"  
  
Kurt looked back up at him for a second, before turning to find the doctor entering the room.   
Burt sighed. "Hey, Doc, what's the good word?"  
"You know, I'm gonna skip the cliches about my golf game and get right to it," The doctor began, looking back down to the test results. One simple piece of paper, making the difference between his dads life, or his dad joining his mom in death. Digging his nails into his arms, he waited for the results with baited breath. "As you know, we were mildly aggressive with your treatment considering you were still in stage I. We used implant radiation therapy."  
  
"And he completely changed his diet." Kurt added, his voice shaking but he couldn't bring himself to care past the fogginess in his mind.   
"Well, whatever you were doing, it worked." The doctor smiled at him, and Kurt froze, not believing what the doctor was saying. "The tumour's gone."  
Kurt's voice was hardly above a whisper. "What?"   
The doctor turned his smile to Burt. "Your PSA levels are back to normal, and you have the prostate of a 20-year-old according to your Gleason scores."

"Okay, wait, s-so..." Kurt was still trying to process this, having been expecting them to tell him his dad was dying, just like his mom. "You're saying he's cured?"  
The doctor smiled at him again. "We prefer 'in remission', but in layman's terms, yeah."  
Burt jumped up, laughing as he pulled Kurt into a hug. "Hey! Hey! Looks like I picked the right shirt, huh, buddy?" He laughed again, Carole joining in on the hug. "Come on, man! Oh!" He let out a heavy breath, which Kurt knew was relief, before turning back tot he doctor, shaking his hand. "Doc, thank you so much. Thank you."

The doctor nodded happily. "Take a moment." And he left them to talk for a minute.  
"Oh, my God." Kurt breathed, forcing air into his lungs, his chest wracking itself with a shudder of anxiety.   
"I just... I wasn't ready to leave you guys yet." Burt told them, tears in his eyes.  
"Dad..." Kurt whispered, hardly able to bring new air into his lungs, and Burt pulled him to his chest again, seeing his boy tearing up and the quiver in his lip. 

"Things aren't finished, right?" Burt asked after a moment, Carole taking his hand. "So much to do. You getting married, grandbabies, having old people sex with Carole-"  
"Ugh." Kurt laughed.  
Burt grinned, stroking Kurt's cheek with his thumb. "I'm just so happy I'm not going to miss it. I love you guys." He bought them both into another hug. "I love you guys... I don't have cancer."  
And Kurt was pretty sure no words had ever made him happier. 

\------------

"All right..." Kurt addressed the club, sitting in front of him, waiting for Burt to arrive.  
"He'll be here... Any minute, I'm sure." Blaine reassured him with a pat on the shoulder.  
Kurt smiled a little. "Yeah. Dad! Hey." He hugged Burt as he came into the room.   
"Hi, everybody." Burt greeted them with a simply wave. "Good to see you. Shue. Good to see you, buddy."  
  
Mr Shue smiled, shaking the man's hand. "Likewise."  
Burt moved on to Mercedes. "How you doing?" And then Blaine. "What's up, Blaine?" Before sitting down at the front when Kurt motioned for him to, and everyone took their seats and Kurt swallowed thickly, having everyone's attention on him now he felt as though they could see all his flaws, pick them all out, like he was being exhibited.  
"Well, it's probably not a surprise why I asked you to come here today." He began, willing his voice not to shake.   
  
"I'm guessing it has something to do with a song?" Burt grinned at his son.   
Kurt nodded. "Yes. But not just any song. See, the last time I dedicated a song to you in this room, you were in the hospital." His voice cracked a little at that, and he forced those emotions down again, it still hurt to think about his dad's heart attack, about living at home for all that time, everyone forcing religion on him while he forgot to eat or sleep and the first time he'd purposefully hurt himself. "But today we are celebrating life's most treasured and wonderful gift... a second chance. See, when I was little, you used to sing this song to me in the car all the time and it always put a smile on my face." He smiled at his dad's proud look, he had missed being here with his dad, even if everything sucked for a while, in fact, most of the time, his dad was always there for him. "So today it's my turn to sing, and your turn to smile."

"I'm already there, kiddo." Burt told him, sitting back, ready to hear the song his son had prepared for him.   
Kurt took a breath, nodding to the band and beginning to sing 'You Are the Sunshine of My Life'. He bowed when he was done and everyone started clapping, his dad cheering loudly before jumping up and pulling him into a tight bear hug. 

\------------

"Whoa!" Kurt chuckled, watching Mike and Blaine practice the dance Mike had come up with more Mercedes.   
"Yeah." Blaine smiled at the boy, causing Kurt to look down. He had no clue what was happening with Blaine at the moment, but he tried to ignore the feeling he got that something big was coming, and he had a feeling he knew what, but for the time being, he would ignore it. God, why wasn't Sebastian answering his calls? He'd know how to help clear his head...  
"This is gonna work." Mike smiled, interrupting his thoughts and he looked back up with a smile of his own. "I just wish Mercedes was here to see it."  
Blaine nodded. "Where is she?"

They walked into the auditorium, hearing Mercedes on the phone, arguing with someone by the sounds of it. "What? Oh, you can try that, but my uncle Julius is an attorney and we will sue you right back-No, I don't need a night to think about it!" She hung up the phone, breathing hard through her nose in anger. She frowned when the group of boys walked over, but steeled her look, trying to relax. "Look, I cannot believe what just happened."  
"Who was that?" Kurt asked, always leading the charge when it came to looking after his friends. 

"Just my useless 'producer'." Mercedes frowned again, folding her arms.   
Kurt nodded a little. "I thought you liked him."  
"I did." She nodded. "When we were in the studio. You know, he kept telling me my voice was perfection, that we didn't even need to rerecord most vocals, breezing through the tracks. Then I got a little sceptical when we were doing the photo shoot for my CD's cover art..." Kurt raised a brow, already having a bad idea about where this was going, and Mercedes offered a tiny smile that didn't help calm his nerves at all. "'Could you just lean forward a bit there, Mercedes? And drop that shoulder wrap?' I told him, look, I'm not comfortable with that, Martin... but he just told me 'You look like a girl going to church or the prom. Not like a girl who needs to move 100,000 units just to make a minor splash in this marketplace'..."  
  
The boys all raised their brows and Kurt's worry was confirmed, he couldn't believe someone would say that to her, especially when that person was supposed to be there for her. "I told him, 'this is the look. This is what I'm wearing'; and at first he agreed, saying I was the boss, but now... Now they're saying my CD is off of their release schedule until I agree to another photo shoot." She sighed, shrugging slightly, looking down. "One showing more skin."  
"What?!" Kurt was angry now, figuring this 'producer' would be a good place to vent his recent emotions if he knew where he could find him. "Screw him!"

Mercedes let herself smile at that, always enjoying seeing Kurt's hidden rage against douche bags. "Oh, and he said he'd be happy to use another girl's picture."  
"On YOUR CD? The one that YOU are singing on?! Oh, hell to the no!" He frowned, having half a mind to jump on a flight he couldn't afford to L.A. JUST to PUNCH that guy in the face.  
Mercedes shrugged again. "They don't want me. They just want my voice, not my whole person." She shook her head. "You know, it's crazy, guys. I'm going to be dealing with this the rest of my career. Everyone is gonna want me to look like Beyoncé, and no one is gonna be satisfied with me, Mercedes Jones."

"And they're crazy, and you don't want to be in business with people like that." Blaine spoke up, and the other boys nodded.   
But Kurt knew Mercedes, and he knew that look. "You're not actually considering it, are you?"  
"I've been working on this album for a year. I need it to come out." She told him, helplessly. "Look, I'm sorry, guys. I don't what I'm gonna do, but I need to talk to my mom about this hot mess." She walked off before anyone could say anything else, and the three boys shared in the angry silence.  
  
\------------  
  
Mercedes stood at the front of the choir room the next day, she hadn't answered Kurt's messages with straight answers the night before, and he was worried to say the least. He'd spent the night hanging out with Finn in his room, but the other boy knew Kurt was distracted, laying there and staring at the ceiling. Every time Finn would ask if he was ok, Kurt said he was fine, not giving him more than the automatic response he'd been giving everyone for so long now.   
Mercedes talking bought his attention back once again, wow he really needed to stop zoning out. "All right, everyone. Ah, all right. Sit down. So, today's lesson... Well, I was gonna say 'truth'," She sighed. "but it's about this crazy-ass business that a lot of us want to get into."  
"If you're gonna tell us to not even try 'cause it's too hard..." Tina frowned, but Mercedes shook her head.   
  
"No, no, I'm just saying; be ready." She smiled when the group looked confused. "You know, when I graduated, a producer said he wanted to do a CD of my music, which, oh, my God, that's been my dream since before I even sat in this room." Kurt smiled at that, always having known Mercedes dreams and talent would one day come together. "Turns out, he only wanted to do that on his terms. So I had a choice to make: I could do it his way and get there a lot faster, or I could do it my way, and maybe never... never even make it." She shrugged a little, sadly. "So I talked to my parents and my friends," She motioned to Kurt, Blaine and Mike, and Kurt offered her an encouraging smile, showing he'd continue to be there for her no matter what her decision was. "and I made a decision. I told my manager, It's my voice. Those are my songs. They tell MY story. I'm not gonna spend all this time working on my truth, and then have him slap something that doesn't even represent the real me on its cover." She shrugged again. "So, I don't have a record deal anymore, but I do have a record, which I'll be giving to all of you, and selling at a table in front of my church and out of my car, and on Amazon, so," She held up the CD in question and everyone clapped. "Whatever happens, at least I was true to myself."

Mr Shue clapped, stepping up to the front. "And you will have gotten there by taking... and you know it's coming... the higher ground!" Everyone groaned at the terrible joke, "Hit it!"  
Once the song was over, everyone clapped and Mercedes grinned at the applause.   
  
\------------

"Kurt, I was just thinking about you, you still in Ohio?" Adam asked, and Kurt could hear his smile through the phone.   
Kurt felt sick to his stomach. "Adam... you know I love you-"  
"What's going on? Are you ok?" Adam asked, worry radiating now. "Did something happen? I thought you said your dad was ok now?"  
"He is, he is... Look, nothing's happened, but-but I don't know what's happening." He sat down hard on the steps of the stage, wrapping an arm around himself. "I think I did something to annoy or upset Sebastian, he's not talking to me, even though we said we'd hang out while I'm here. We left it fine, so I don't know what's happened. And I love being back here, but seeing everyone again is confusing... And Blaine..."  
  
"Has he done something, Kurt...?" Adam asked, his voice steady, trusting Kurt, but not his ex.   
Kurt shook his head a little. "Not yet... outside the usual flirting and... and... touching me every so often. Like bumping my shoulder or-or glancing over my hand with his and stuff..."  
"Ok, I believe you. So, what's the problem?" Adam asked. "You can talk to me, Kurt."  
"I know, I'm sorry, I know it's probably nothing... But I know Blaine, and I know how my walls just... just destroy themselves when I'm around him. He had this-this WAY of getting inside my head, and bypassing all my guards, and I'm not going to use that as an excuse if anything does happen, because I know if I LET anything happen, that'll be my fault, but I don't know what he's going to say or do, and if he's going to try and get back together, and I have an awful feeling it's going to be much more, and-and I don't know what to do, I love you, and I don't want to hurt you... but he just-he just gets under my skin-"  
  
"Kurt, take a breath, honey, ok?" Adam told him softly, and Kurt finally let himself breathe. "Ok, I love you too. And if anything does happen I KNOW you wouldn't have tried to hurt me..."  
Kurt paused for a second. "What are you saying...?"  
"Well, last time was different, Kurt... This time... this time it WOULD hurt me."   
Kurt didn't say anything, only waited to hear what the ache in his chest was telling him was coming.   
"Maybe, at least until after you come back to New York and we can talk in person... maybe we should... should see what happens with you there?"  
  
"What do you mean...? I-I don't get what you're saying, you want to break up?" Kurt asked, tears brimming his eyes as his voice threatened to give out.   
"That's the last thing I want, Kurt. I promise you, I want to be by your side for as long as you'll let me... But," Adam took a moment to compose his thoughts. "But Blaine was your first love. Will always BE, your first love. He's charismatic, and, I hate to agree with Sebastian on this, but he knows how to get to you. How to get to your feelings and like you said, bypass everything."  
"So... So what are you saying...?" He dreaded the answer, but he knew he had to ask, he couldn't stay sat in this bubble of anxiety that had filled his chest, knowing now what was happening. It was only inevitable.   
  
"Kurt, I love you. But I think you need time to figure out how you feel there, and in order to do that, you can't be distracted by me." Adam finally answered. Kurt took a ragged breath, and Adam quickly spoke again. "Please, Kurt, we both know you need to figure this out properly. You never got good closure, you've been hung up on him, and I look past it when I can. Because I love you, and because I KNOW you've been trying your hardest to get over him, to move on. But we both know that's not going to happen until you properly face it, right?" He asked, and Kurt couldn't even breathe let alone answer, tears streaming down his cheeks, but he couldn't bring himself to wipe them away. "Kurt, please... trust me. Ok, when you come back we can talk, we can go back to the way we were if you decide that's what you want. But if you choose otherwise... Well, I love you too much to get in your way."  
  
"You-you're not in my way! Adam, please!" Kurt begged, his voice strangled by his own tears. "Please..." He heard Adam let out a tiny sob on the other side of the phone, and clenched his eyes shut, pain filling his mind. "...Please..."  
"I love you, Kurt... I love you so much..." Adam told him sternly, his voice wet.   
Kurt let out a gasped sob. "I love you too..." His voice was barely above a whisper, but he knew Adam had heard him.   
"I hope you figure things out, Kurt... I won't say goodbye..." He continued, and Kurt was full on sobbing now, curling into himself on the stairs. "Ok...? I'm-I'm gonna go... Good luck, Kurt..." There was a moments silence, and Adam finally hung up after not getting a response. 

Kurt let his phone slip from his hands, wrapping his fingers into his hair and sobbing, heavily gasping for breath. 

\------------

Kurt tugged his sleeves down, hard, when Blaine walked over to him the next afternoon in the choir room, when everyone was leaving. "What's up?" He plastered a smile on his face. He knew his eyes had been puffy since the night before, and he was so dehydrated from crying all night since Finn had found him and bought him home. He'd stayed silent in the car, staring out the window even when his brother glanced to him. He'd headed straight up to his room, ignoring his dad and Carole asking if he was ok, and Finn telling them he didn't really know, but he knew Kurt wanted to be alone. He'd locked himself in his room, stress and strain hitting him full force, and his coping mechanisms coming in to play as much as possible considering he didn't have alcohol in his room. He had loads of sharp objects though, and he'd bought his trusty razor with him as well. 

"This is going to take a lot of courage, considering our, um, complicated history," Blaine began, and Kurt wanted nothing more than to force his barriers up, keep everyone out, including Blaine. But that look, that doe-eyed smile, the dazzling brown eyes and charismatic stance... "and all the emotions involved, so... um, I'm-I'm just gonna say it."  
Kurt tried to act like himself, after the heartbreak of yesterday, and now this, his resolve was breaking and he wanted nothing more than to cry to the other boy, but he would try to keep up the act. "Go ahead, you get kind of cute when you get nervous..."

"Hmm... I... wanted to ask you if... well, will you... maybe s-stick around for regionals?" Blaine rubbed the back of his neck, innocent and bashful.   
"Oh." Kurt shook himself, having been expecting Blaine to ask something else. He still knew it was all coming, but relief was a good feeling right now. "Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, Mercedes and I already talked about it. We want to stick around and root you guys on at the competition." He smiled. "Yeah, we wouldn't miss it for the world."  
Blaine smiled that dazzling smile and Kurt let himself smile as well. "Great. Yeah."

"You know I would've said yes. Right?" He smirked as they headed out of the classroom to go for dinner with Mercedes and Mike.   
"I know..." Blaine flushed as if on queue, and the feeling Kurt had had was confirmed. Blaine wasn't done with him yet...  
Kurt sighed. "What a wonderful, wonderful week..."  
"And with you in it, a wonderful life." Blaine smiled, wrapping an arm around his shoulders as they walked. 


	23. Ignored

"All right, guys. It's finally here," Mr Shuester tuned to the class. "Regionals!" The class cheered and he laughed. "I just found out, because of safety concerns related to late-season tornadoes, Indianapolis has declined to host the competition. So! As defending champions, we're having regionals here, in our auditorium."  
"Did you hear that?" Blaine asked the group.   
"Yes!" Sam celebrated. "Home court advantage, yo!"  
Mr Shue chuckled. "Now, because of a sexting scandal at Our Lady of Perpetual Loneliness, their glee club, the Nun-touchables, has been excommunicated by the new pope. They've been replaced by the world-famous boys of Ziegler Prep, the Waffle-toots."

"Like cake farts?" Jake quipped, and everyone laughed.   
Mr Shue sighed. "They're very good. The Hoosierdaddies are still the odds-on favourite. I mean, their lead vocalist, Frida Romero, is a tiny juggernaut of talent. We are in for the fight of our lives. So... let's get real. There comes a moment in every performer's life that defines him or her, sometimes for the rest of their career. This is our moment. We've struggled, we've endured, and now we must triumph. And speaking of that, I want us all to just take a moment to send some positive energy to one of our very own. She has her final callback for Funny Girl today. Rachel Berry!"  
Kurt clapped along with everyone else. He wished he could be in New York for the girl, but the others had asked if he would stay for regionals, so he was sending his well wishes and texting the girl wishing her luck constantly, knowing the messages would cheer her up and build her confidance. "So, let's all give a big round of applause to Rachel, wherever she is."

\------------

The other day Mercedes, Kurt and Mike lead everyone into the choir room. Kurt was practically vibrating wondering what the set list would be for them. He bounced on his feet as the kids came into the room. Mr Shue was counting everyone. "Marley," He turned to Kurt. "Stop." He told the boy when he kept jumping up and down. "Jake...six, seven, eight, nine... Uh, are, are Joe and Sugar here?"  
Kurt took his seat along with the others.   
"Present, Mr. Shue." Sugar came into the room.   
"Come on, Sugar!" He closed the door and walked to the front. "Great. Okay. Guys, I have finalised our set list. We are going with 'I Love It' by Icona Pop."  
  
"I love it!" Unique grinned, happy with the teachers choice. "Yes!"  
"'Hall of Fame' by The Script and Will.I.am, And Marley's original song 'All or Nothing'." The teacher finished, and everyone clapped.   
Brittany put her hand up. "Hey, Mr. Shue, what about my original song? Do you remember? My cup, my cup, sayin' what's up? To my cup, my cup, more of a friend~" Those who knew the song laughed, shaking their heads in exasperation.   
Mr Shue nodded, chuckling. "'My Cup' is one of a kind, but we're going with Marley's song."

"Oh, come on, boo." Brittany frowned. "Two thumbs down. The only way to polish that turd of a song is with my angelic alto voice." Everyone stared at the girl for a moment. "So I demand to sing it  
as a solo. And I demand to sing all the good songs as solos. Everyone can snap their fingers and march around behind me. Tina, please make an exact replica of Jennifer Lawrence's Oscar dress."  
Tina raised a brow. "Um, no."  
"Um... yes." Brittany told her, standing up next to the still confused teacher. "Let me break it down. No one in this musty choir room compares to my megawatt star power. Blaine, you're shorter than your average lawn gnome." Kurt tried not to laugh at that, covering his mouth and biting his lip and hoping Blaine hadn't noticed. "Joe, you look like a Yucatán spider monkey. Tina is... you know, she's... Tina."  
  
Sam followed her as she went to leave the room, stopping her. "Wait, baby. Baby, I love you, but you're really out of line, here. And would you stop texting? I'm trying to talk to you, it's really rude..." He pulled his phone out as it chimed and Brittany looked at his expectantly. "Did you seriously just break up with me? By a text?" He frowned.   
"Yeah. As fascinated as I am by your down-filled, pillow-soft lips that are ten times too big for your face, I really miss my sweet, sweet lady kisses." She shrugged. "Sorry/not sorry. Moving on, I repeat: I require all the solos. That's just the way it's gonna be." She addressed the rest of the room again. 

"Brittany, why are you doing this?" Mr Shue finally spoke up.   
Brittany shrugged again. "Well, I'm just living your lesson, Mr. Shue. It's all or nothing."

\------------

Kurt sat down next to Brittany on the stage, earning a welcoming smile. "What's going on, Brit?" He knew they'd always been able to talk to each other, he was pretty sure he was one of the only people in the school to not call her stupid or an idiot. She just had her own way of thinking, even if it was different to everyone else. She had her own truth, and Kurt respected that.  
"I miss my unicorn." She smiled again, and he smiled in return.   
"Well, I'm here now." He reminded her.   
She shook her head, shuffling closer to him. "I don't just mean because you moved to New York..." She shrugged at his confused look and raised brow. "I'm worried about you..."  
  
He sighed a little, smiling to her. "I'm fine."  
"Well them, so am I." She told him, standing up and going to leave the auditorium.   
"Brit, please..." Kurt stood, trying to ignore the dizziness. This cold was really getting to his head it seemed. "You and I have always been able to talk, why can't you talk to me now?" He asked softly, glad she'd stopped walking to listen to what he had to say.   
Brittany paused, shrugging a little. "Because I don't know what to do... and It's a decision I need to make alone." She sighed, walking back over and hugging him. He hugged her back, always happy to see the other girl. "I'm scared for you, Kurt..."  
  
"Honestly, boo, I'm fine." He told her again, pulling back and cupping her cheeks with his hands. "One hundred percent." He smiled, happy he'd made her smile too.   
She wiped her eyes, letting out a tiny laugh. "Your hands are still super soft."  
He laughed at that.

\------------

Kurt was trying to phone or text Sebastian whenever he could, but still, no response. This had happened before, a couple times, but he just didn't know what he'd done. And with how much Blaine was trying to talk to him and ask him to hang out, he really needed his friend's advice and just him in general.

That night he had been in his bathroom for lord knows how long, going through the usual. He'd made himself throw up multiple times, coffee and bile coming back up. His razor felt like his only friend at this point, at least he could turn to it when nobody else was there. He'd passed out at some point, taking that as his sign to leave the bathroom. His head was pounding from the cold that had settled in, and his throat was raw as he trudged his way back to bed, flopping down and hoping to sleep without any nightmares or fever dreams this night. He just wanted to rest. 

\------------

"Okay, guys, listen up." Mr Shue walked into the room, getting started straight away. "Uh, first up, we're gonna tackle Icona Pop. It's got a unique beat, but not entire different from-"  
Ryder suddenly stood up. "All right, look. I'm-I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Shue, but I've got to say something."  
The teacher nodded, stepping to one side. "Okay."  
Kurt looked to Mike for an explanation, but earned a shrug. "I'll explain later." Mercedes whispered to them both.  
  
"Look, so I hate to pull a Brittany here, but the bottom line is, I'm not performing in regionals until Catfish reveals themselves." Ryder told them. "This whole situation is out of hand and needs to end. Hey, look, I'm serious, okay? I can't take it anymore, it-it's tearing me apart. And someone in this room is playing games with me, and I want to know who!"  
Sam sighed, looking to everyone else. "Somebody, just say who it is."  
"I don't think it's any of us." Jake argued.   
Ryder frowned. "Pull out your phones! Everybody pull out your phones right now!"

"Ryder, relax, man." Blaine told him, and Jake stood, trying to calm Ryder down.  
"Dude. I know this is upsetting, but..." He shrugged. "Well, now nobody is going to admit it for fear of being murdered."  
Ryder shook his head. "I've told this person everything, and I want to know who it is."  
"I know you're upset-"  
"I want to know..." Jake shook his head and Ryder huffed. "No, you don't know. You don't know, okay? Who is it?" He turned his attention back to the group, and Kurt felt bad for him, he couldn't imagine what Ryder was going through, though he guessed he'd been in a similar situation with Cody over Christmas...

"It's not me." Sugar shrugged, seeming to not really know what was going on. For a moment, Kurt wondered if it could be Blaine, but he looked just as confused as some of the other older members of the group.   
"All right, fine. If nobody's gonna say anything, pull out your phones. And I want to see all of your phones." Ryder continued. Kurt wanted to just tell whoever it was to come forward, but he didn't want to be shot down or shouted at.   
Kitty scoffed. "Are you serious?"  
"All of your phones. Pull out your texts. I'm serious! Texts!"

"Whoever it is, just say it." Kurt told them all finally, folding his arms and looking at the group. His eyes caught Unique's, and he stopped on her. She shook her head at him, and he looked to the ground, now understanding the situation more.   
"Who is it?" Blaine asked, and Marley stood.   
"It's me." She lied, defending Unique. Kurt had to admire her, if his friend was in a similar situation, he'd probably do the same. In fact sometimes when Santana had found someone on Tinder who she didn't actually want to meet up with but had already set up a date, he had to go and cover for her, pretending to be a catfish and hoping the guy would leave. "I'm Catfish."

"What? What do you...?" Jake asked, confused by his girlfriend saying it was her, when it wasn't.   
"No, I-I-I asked you. You swore to me." Ryder frowned.   
Marley walked toward him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen."  
"Look, just take it easy, Ryder, okay?" Jake also walked toward the boy, but he took a step back. "This was just a little joke. Things got out of hand."  
Ryder shook his head. "What, you're-you're defending her? Huh? Are you kidding me? What's wrong with you people?!" He stormed out, ignoring Mr Shue as he called after him.   
"Marley, that's messed up." Artie told her as she sat back down. 

Kurt really hadn't missed the drama at McKinley... But he understood where everyone was coming from in this situation. He looked to Unique, who mouthed a sad 'thank you...' to him, before everyone's attention was bought back to the front by the teacher. 

\------------

"Kurt!" Nick quickly pulled the older boy into a hug and Kurt chuckled, despite the fact the tight contact pushed his clothes into his cuts.   
"Hey, Nick." Kurt smiled, earning a hug from Jeff as they pulled away from each other. He laughed. "It's been a while since anyone's been so happy to see me." He joked, rolling his eyes.   
Nick fake gasped. "Well we're always happy to see you!" He reminded Kurt fiercely. "Come on, let's go get some coffee." He grabbed the other two boys hands and dragged them along, Kurt and Jeff sharing a look of amusement. 

"Sebastian said he had fun in New York." Jeff told Kurt as they chatted, sipping on coffee. Kurt's smile dropped a little.  
He offered a shrug. "I doubt it..."  
Nick raised a brow. "Why, what's wrong?"  
"He won't reply to me, I... I don't suppose he told you guys anything?" Kurt asked, fiddling with his own hand. "I don't know what I did wrong."  
  
The other boys shared a confused look before turning back to Kurt. "I don't really know what to tell you, we didn't know he was ignoring you... He has been distracted in Warbler practice..." Jeff admitted. "I'm sure you didn't do anything."  
Kurt smiled, changing the subject because he didn't want to think about Sebastian right now. "So, did you get your college applications in?"  
  
\------------

Sebastian heard a knock on his door and sighed, pushing himself up and walking over to the door, opening it to find Niff on the other side. "If you're offering a threesome I'm not interested in preppy boys." He told them.   
Jeff frowned. "Not funny, and you chased Blaine for ages, so yeah, you are."  
"Why are you ignoring Kurt?!" Nick jumped forward, unable to contain the question anymore.   
  
Sebastian blinked at the two of them. "You saw him?"  
"Yeah, he came by to surprise us. He told us you're not answering him." Jeff explained.   
"He thinks he did something wrong, Sebastian." Nick added, sad that Kurt was feeling so down.   
Sebastian blew a rough breath out through his nose. "It's nothing. And it's none of your business." He told them, just trying to avoid this conversation and keep a wide distance from the whole subject of Kurt.   
"So you're basically telling us to go away?" Jeff sighed.   
"I'm basically telling you to fuck off." He closed the door before the two boys could say anything else and sighed, sliding down to the floor. 

He'd spent days in his room, confused, contemplating, completely trying to still live in denial... but it was no use. He knew now that no matter what he did, he liked Kurt. He'd never been in love with anyone before, so he didn't know if that's what this feeling was, but it was obvious to him now that he harboured some kind of feelings for him. Like Kurt was home. A sarcastic, bitchy, sassy home, but home none the less. Somewhere he felt felt, included, wanted and accepted for who he was regardless of his past mistakes. There were only three places where he felt like that.   
France.  
Dalton.  
And wherever the hell Kurt was.

But it wasn't fair. Kurt had Adam, and there was always that goblin Blaine hanging around, trying to get in Kurt's head - and trousers - constantly. And he wanted to be a good friend to the boy, let him love Adam and let Adam heal him from whatever the fuck was happening. He just wanted Kurt to be happy. And closing himself off in his room, ignoring the boy's texts and calls and letting him live his life and just get on with it without Sebastian holding him back? That's what he felt was right.   
And most of all, though he was scared to admit it, he didn't want to be heartbroken when Kurt eventually said no. 

Sebastian had never been in love before. And regardless of whether this was love or not, it hurt. And he had no clue how to handle it.   
His phone buzzed and he got up, sitting on his bed and reading the caller... Kurt. He put his hands to his eyes, flopping back as another call came through. Call after call all going unanswered. And he cried to his empty room.

\------------

Kurt threw his phone into the corner, hugging himself in anger as tears rolled down his cheeks. His arms against him smeared the fresh blood over his too pale skin, and he bit his lip, the cracked skin giving way quickly to the pressure. He took in shaky breaths, that empty feeling filling his thoughts, his lungs, his heart. What had he done? He didn't understand, had he hurt the boy? Offended him? Said or done something that would cause Sebastian to ignore him, to block him off like everyone else did?  
He startled when his phone began ringing, staring at the object for a moment before rushing over, not even checking who was calling before answering with a frantic 'hello?!'  
"Kurt, hey, its Blaine." The younger boy's chipper voice came. "You ok?"  
Kurt's brain faltered, but he composed himself. "Yeah, yeah, just-just finished a work out." He excused his breathing. "So, what's up?" He sat down on the edge of his bed.   
"Are you free tonight...?"  
  
\------------

"It was love at first Styx, that's what we always say."   
Kurt was confused about this meeting, but it only solidified the fact that Blaine was planning something big, and he had a good idea on what that something was, and he didn't really know what to say or do. However, he was enjoying talking to the lovely old ladies sat across from him, talking to himself and Blaine about their lives together.   
"Well, the irony was that we met at the concert, you know. We grew up in the same town just a few blocks from each other."  
He smiled. "Wow."

"We went to the same high school."  
"You guys are like a Nora Ephron movie." Blaine told them, and they both smiled.   
Kurt nodded. "Exactly. Did you go to prom together?"  
"No. Yeah, well... Well, we went together as a group." One of them answered.   
"We took boys, of course. Merle and Tommy, those poor fools." The other laughed.   
"Merle and Tom. They had no idea what was going on. It was different times then, you know." She asked, and both Kurt and Blaine nodded. "There were, there were no gay clubs at school. You know, nobody talked about it. We had no representation. But somehow we always found a way." She held the other woman's hand, and Kurt smiled. 

"That summer we went on a bus tour of the United States. We saw all the sights. And in the end we decided we liked Ohio the best."  
"Yeah, yeah, came back, moved in together, got each other through college, and we broke up twice, and got back together again twice." They explained, and when Blaine offered a smile to Kurt, he nodded with a small smile of his own. "And then we bought the house in Lima. What haven't we seen from our porch?"  
"Nothing."  
"AIDS. Yeah. Don't Ask, Don't Tell." The second woman laughed. 

"Ellen. We've seen it all side-by-side." The first took her hand. "Remember when we couldn't even do this in public, hold hands?"  
"You guys are so sweet." Kurt told them honestly. Some day he hoped to find something like that, if he lived that long... "But you know, when I asked you 'how did you guys meet?', I actually meant, 'how did you meet Blaine'?"  
The first woman laughed. "Oh! At the mall."  
"I was clothes shopping with Tina and we were at the food court at Sbarro, and Jan and I just got to talking." Blaine explained.   
The first woman, Jan, nodded. "And I said, 'why don't we continue this over dinner at Breadstix?' We've been coming here 20 years."  
"Thirty." Ellen corrected her with a smile. 

"30 years?" Kurt asked, it was almsot unbelievabel.  
Jan nodded. "30."  
"Wow."  
"We camped out for the grand opening." Ellen told them.  
"Yes, we did."

"Well, I'm glad you recommended it, Jan." Kurt smiled. "I mean, it's great and really inspiring to hear your story. You know, I know I don't, and we don't really have too many gay and lesbian role models to look up to, so..."   
Jan smiled. "You guys are a sweet couple."  
"Thank you." Blaine immediately replied, and Kurt shook his head.   
"Oh, we're not a couple." He told them, but they were already turning to each other. 

"Would you have married me if I had asked you? I mean, if we were allowed to?" Jan asked Ellen.  
"I always said yeah, as soon as it's legal in Ohio."  
Blaine smiled. "It will be."  
"Yeah." Kurt nodded. 

Jan shrugged. "Eventually. But in the meantime, there are still plenty of places where it's legal." She turned to face Ellen again. "And so, Elizabeth Margaret Stevens..." She pulled out a tiny box, and Kurt gasped, putting a hand over his mouth. "...will you legally marry me?"  
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" He mumbled, not sure what else to do. It was amazing to see two people who have loved each other their whole lives, and waited for so long, finally be able to ask each other something that everyone else has always been able to do.   
Ellen grinned. "Oh, oh! Oh, honey, yes!"

\------------

Kurt had figured out Blaine's full plan now.   
He had had suspicions before, but now he knew. Blaine was going to ask him to marry him.  
He just wanted to jump on a flight and go back to New York, but... but someone wanted to marry him... He might never get another chance, another chance for someone to love him that much, or even at all...  
Sebastian would know how to help, but he still wasn't answering.

Kurt had taken to organising the things in his room by colour because he needed somewhere to vent his emotions and he'd gotten pretty bad with this stuff when he thought his dad was going to die of cancer, it helped him calm down or at least feel like he was in control. But not long into the sorting and the stacking and the organising, he dropped a few of his CD's, and they slid across the floor. His frustration boiled over, and he threw the remaining CD's across the room in anger, tears coming to the surface as his lip quivered.   
He didn't know what to do, he had NO control. He couldn't DO ANYTHING.   
Blaine had a way of getting to him.   
Blaine knew what buttons to push.   
Blaine could break down his barriers and his walls and force his way in.   
  
...Blaine was his first love. And at one time, he had wanted him to be his last.   
  
He felt sick to his stomach, the stress becoming too much. His body always betrayed him in times like this, making him feel nausea to his stomach and weak. The cold wasn't helping either, his sinuses ached and his throat felt as if it had been ripped apart, and crying didn't help at all with his stuffy he was feeling.   
He marched into the bathroom, forcing his fingers into his mouth and hitting the back of his throat. He immediately felt the need to throw up, and he didn't stop, continuously forcing himself to take control until he spotted the tiny spatter of red in the toilet.   
He closed his stinging eyes, his body hurt, his ribs aching from convulsing so much, his throat shredded in pain and he felt dizzy, weak.   
  
He didn't remember closing his eyes, or finding himself on the bathroom floor. But when a knock at his door came he woke, looking around and remembering what had happened. "Hello...?" He managed to call.   
"Come on, white boy! Thought we had dinner plans?" Mercedes voice came and he sighed.   
"Give me a minute!" He shouted back. He'd completely forgotten he'd agreed to hang out with her and then go to dinner. He quickly rushed around cleaning up the bathroom and himself, making himself look less like a ghost before coming out and smiling faintly at her.   
"You look like hell." She told him before smiling.   
He shook his head. "Just a cold. Ready?" His voice was croaky and sore, but Mercedes smiled, standing and hooking an arm into his. He was thankful for that, because he didn't know if his legs would keep him up.

\------------

Regionals had arrived. The kids had all come back together, though Kurt was fuzzy on the details. Mike HAD explained everything, but most of it didn't stick. When Kurt had woken up that morning he felt as bad as he looked, worse even.  
And the entire performance, his head was spinning as he tried to watch. He felt dizzy, out of place, weak...  
He barely clocked Blaine smiling at him from up on the stage, but he could barely focus. When the performance was over, he managed to force himself from his seat, include himself in the choir room hang out for a moment, earning crippling hugs from the kids who had just come off the stage.   
  
Mr Shue asked him if he was ok when he pulled away from the hug, and he simply nodded, putting on a fake smile that for once wasn't fooling anyone. Mr Shue's face turned worried and Kurt shook his head, wishing he hadn't instantly. "Just this cold, kicking my butt a bit..." He chuckled weakly. "I'm-I'm gonna go get some air, everyone was amazing though." He told the group, before walking from the room.   
He stumbled into the lockers once he'd left the room. He would have laughed that this time he locker checked himself, but he felt too dizzy, disoriented and lost. 

Barely managing to get to the toilet, he sunk down, throwing up.   
He could barely pay attention to someone coming in after him, but he didn't turn to them. Worried it would be Blaine, or Mr Shue, or even Mercedes. "Kurt...?" Brittany's quiet voice filled the cubicle. Even barely above a whisper, it made Kurt want to flinch, his head still pounding.   
"Hey, boo..." He managed to whisper, hardly able to bring his voice above that.   
"Kurt... please don't try and tell me you're ok..." She begged him, tears in her eyes.   
  
He looked to her, holding a hand out. She instantly took it and sank down next to him in the cubicle. "Brit, I'm fine. I know I might not seem like it... but I'm ok. Honestly, I've just got this awful cold, and it's making me feel sick and... well, like ass." He managed to smile. "I just need some rest. Ok...?"  
She shook her head, sniffling. "You can't lie to me... I'm too smart for that now."  
"Would I ever lie to you, Brit?" He smiled, holding his arms open and she quickly pushed herself into the hug, crying into his shoulder. "You've always been smart, boo..." He chuckled, closing his eyes. "It's ok... I'm ok... I'm fine..."

\------------

He waited until Brittany was calmed down, before letting her lead him back to the choir room.   
"McKinley High is officially on its way to becoming a regionals dynasty!" Mr Shue chuckled.   
"Only 24 more of these babies before we catch up to Vocal Adrenaline." Blaine shrugged with a smile.   
Unique shook her head. "Oh, please. Vocal Adrenaline's time has passed."  
"The present and the future is all about the New Directions!" Sam hi fived her and Kurt let himself smile as Brittany sat them both down in the corner. 

"And we are going to prove it when we go to sunny Los Angeles for nationals and take home our second national championship in a row! That's right. That's right." Mr Shue laughed, smiling when Emma walked in.   
"Miss Pillsbury, who's your friend?" Brittany asked.   
Sam nodded. "Um, Miss Pillsbury, you're supposed to bring someone in to bless the team before the big game."

"Okay. Thank you." Mr Shue told Sam, turning back to his fiance. As strange as his old teacher could be sometimes, it was inspiring to watch the love between the two of them, Kurt thought.   
"Um, I figured out that I can't handle the pressure of a big wedding, so I told Will, if we're gonna get married, that I wanted an intimate ceremony in a special place surrounded by the people that we love." Miss Pillsbury explained.   
Kurt let himself perk up a bit. "Are you guys seriously throwing a surprise wedding? Just like Brooke Burke and David Charvet?"

"Yes. No music, no reception, no planning. Just me, the one true love of my life, and then we'll have a little dinner at Breadstix." Mr Shue smiled at his class. Brittany held Kurt's hand and he smiled at her, before they both turned their attention back to the two teachers.   
"Do you guys have vows prepared?" The priest asked.   
"I knew I forgot something." Mr Shue laughed. "No."  
"No." Emma agreed, laughing also. "Um... Well, hold on. You always get to make the romantic speeches, so, um, why don't you let me do it this time?"

Will smiled. "I'd love that."  
"Yeah? Okay. There was this one day, um, right around the time that we first met. Um, out in the courtyard. And I had gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe, and you scraped it off with a credit card And whenever things in my head get all gooey and sticky and messy and I can't get 'em out, you always come along and you make me feel clean and you make me feel whole again." She smiled at her fiance. Kurt's happy smile fell, thinking of his own life recently, this past year was hard, and he never felt like all the things Emma just said were going to happen to him... he would always feel 'unclean'. Messy. Wrong... "Will, just as I know that the sky is blue, I know that you and I are meant to be together. You are my hero, you are... my one true love, you are my inspiration. I love you, Will Schuester."   
  
Kurt could feel Blaine's eyes on him, but he ignored them, because the tears were already stinging his eyes and his head was pounding, and if he looked at Blaine and thought about how much easier things used to be, he might actually burst into tears and ruin everything.   
"I can't believe this is happening." Mr Shue told Miss Pillsbury. "I-I remember that day with the gum. And the day you chaperoned the field trip to Carmel High," He glanced to Mercedes and Kurt, who remembered Carmel well, despite it feeling like a whole lifetime and a whole different Kurt ago. "And the red coat you wore when you took the team to their first sectionals."  
"I love that coat. I got it on sale." Emma laughed.   
Will smiled. "I remember and notice everything about you. You only get one true love of your life, and you are mine, Emma. And I promise you that as long as you just keep being you and-and let me love you, I will be the happiest man alive. And can we just skip to the 'I do' part because I can't-I can't spend one more minute without being this woman's husband."

Everyone laughed, and the priest smiled. "Works for me. I have a reservation at Breadstix, too."  
"We'll see you there." Mr Shue chuckled.   
"Emma, do you take Will to be your husband, to love and honour, forsaking all others from this day forward?"  
"I do. I do. I do. I do."  
"Will?" The priest turned his attention to him.   
He quickly nodded. "Oh, I definitely do."

"By the power vested in me and all the rest, Will, Emma... Wemma... I now pronounce you husband and wife!"  
Everyone clapped when the teachers kissed, and though Kurt just wanted to go home and sleep, he agreed to go to Breadstix with them. 

\------------

Toward the end of the meal, where Kurt hadn't even made a move to pick up his fork or have food anywhere near him with his stomach still turning, he was stood talking to Mercedes, when he spotted Blaine walking over.   
"Kurt, hi-"  
Brittany took Kurt's hand and smiled. "Hi, Kurt, do you need a lift home?"  
Kurt smiled in relief, his head was too confused to deal with Blaine and the emotions that brought up right now. He nodded. "That would be nice..."   
  
Brittany pulled him away and into the parking lot, where the fresh air helped him feel more human. He still felt sick, and his head was pounding so hard he thought it may explode, but the fresh air helped a little.   
She drove him home and he forced himself to stay awake for the drive, tapping his foot to the music Brittany had on her stereo.   
When she parked outside his house, he turned and pulled her into as big a hug as he could, though she worried that his grip was so weak. "I love you, Brit." He told her, smiling. He pulled away. "Don't change too much when you go to MIT, ok?"  
  
"I won't... I love you too, my unicorn." She smiled back.   
He thanked her again for the ride, and got out the car, standing on the porch to wave her off. His legs were shaking, and he just wanted to drop. So he head inside once her car was gone, making his way upstairs and collapsing on his bed, trying to sleep despite the coughs and sneezes and the wheezing, tightness in his chest. 


	24. The Proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's here... Oh god you guys are gonna hate me

Kurt zoned back into the room when Tina started talking. He looked to the board. 'The Beatles'. Finally, a good lesson... The Beatles had been a band he'd turned to a lot when he was down, when his dad was in the hospital he'd sang 'I Want to Hold Your Hand', and when Pavarotti had died, he'd sung 'Blackbird'. He figured it was because his mom had loved The Beatles, and listening to them had always calmed him.  
"I don't think we've ever spent two weeks on an assignment, Mr. Shue." Tina spoke, and the teacher turned to them with a smile.   
"Hey, the Beatles are so epic that we need two weeks to do them justice," He told them all, and Kurt nodded a little. "This week is all about the early years of the Beatles, when all they had was a belief in each other and a belief that together they could do anything."   
  
Kurt was actually somewhat sad they hadn't done this lesson when he was still at McKinley.   
"The school year seems like it's never ending, and now we're wasting two whole weeks on a band from the 1940's?" Kitty asked in her usual snarky tone, and Kurt sighed. "Seriously, can anyone still relate to the Beatles?"  
"Pretty much the entire world." Ryder replied bluntly.   
Marley nodded. "Yeah, I can definitely still relate."

Kitty scoffed, and Kurt put a hand to his temple, feeling a headache coming on. His head was still stuffed up and this cold was refusing to go anywhere yet, which was starting to drain him more than usual. "Why? Were the Beatles dyslexic and cat-fished by transsexuals?" The girl smirked.   
"And you wonder why everybody hates you..." He muttered in response, not realising anyone had heard him until he noticed people staring.   
"When George Harrison was a kid, he was made fun of 'cause his dad was the bus driver," Artie explained, thankfully taking the attention from Kurt. "John Lennon's dad wasn't even around. He walked out of John's life when he was five."

"I don't really know the Beatles; I'm a little on the black side." Jake shrugged, though it was obvious he felt he could relate to what Artie was saying.   
Artie nodded. "And Ringo starr was a sickly little kid, which probably means he was sitting down a lot. And they decided to form a band.  
"Which changed the world." Kurt added, and Mr. Shue nodded, smiling.   
"Now, you guys are really gonna have to challenge yourselves this week. Bring your a-plus games. Perform these classic songs in new and exciting ways. If we can push ourselves to a whole new level, like the Beatles did constantly, we can win back-to-back national championships and form a New Directions dynasty!" He laughed as his students clapped, and the bell rang. "All right, see you guys tomorrow."

Kurt steeled himself to stand, slowly so the dizziness didn't effect him as much. He'd felt his skin itching all over as he was sat there, his clothes rubbing on the multitude of fresh and healing cuts from the past few days on his chest, arms and thighs.   
Someone took a hold of his arm, and he ignored the fact that he stumbled a little when he turned to face Blaine. He offered a tiny smile. "Hey, you still feeling ill?" The ex-Warbler asked, and Kurt sighed a little, rubbing his head.  
"Not as bad, nothing to worry about, I'm fine." Kurt shrugged it off, even though he felt it was only getting worse, he didn't want to worry anyone. 

"Good." Blaine smiled that dazzling smile, and in his weary state, Kurt remembered how he'd fallen for Blaine in the first place. "So, while you're still here for the next couple days, I thought we could have lunch?"   
Kurt paused for a second, opening his mouth to answer, but he fumbled and closed it again. He wanted to say no, wanted nothing more than to go to bed and sleep for days until this cold left him, but Blaine's hand was still on his wrist, rubbing slightly and he could feel it pushing against a cut. The way Blaine looked at him, with such hope and the puppy-dog look... He wanted them to be able to be friends again, and friends went to lunch. He would just make it obvious that he had no interest in going any further. "Sure."  
  
\------------

So, what Kurt had assumed to be a simple lunch had actually been a picnic in the courtyard. In public. With people. He looked around as Blaine spoke, kids were talking, and some were glancing at them and whispering. They probably thought the two boys were dating... it MUST have looked that way. Did Blaine KNOW it looked that way? He looked back to the other boy, who was still chatting away, looking down as he poured a couple drinks. He knew he shouldn't have agreed to this lunch, Blaine was probably going to ask him now, in public... he couldn't say no in public! He'd look so bad, an even more horrible person that he already was... Oh god, what was he going to do? He could escape before Blaine had a chance to get off of regular chatting and turn the conversation to something more serious, he could tell him he felt ill, and needed to go home, or he could say his dad phoned him, or something?   
  
"So, you excited to go back to school?" Blaine bought him out of his thoughts, and he plastered on a shaky smile.   
"Yeah, fashion week is coming up." He nodded a little, looking down. "But-but this farewell picnic's been perfect, though..." He didn't want their friendship to be ruined by him being distant, Blaine had said him being distant was the reason their relationship was ruined after all.  
Blaine grinned with pride that Kurt 'liked' the picnic. "What's the story with this New York guy?"  
  
Oh god, here we go... He shrugged a little, he'd cried a lot about Adam the past week or so since it had happened. Regardless of what people thought, he had liked Adam a lot, and he'd been trying to get past the walls he'd put up after years of being with Blaine. Adam was different, kind, open, honest about everything. And it was confusing to Kurt how much Adam seemed to like him. So when they broke up over the phone, it had affected him. But he didn't blame Adam, he blamed himself for ruining the whole relationship. He didn't tell anyone, and he didn't want Blaine knowing. "There's no story." He finally willed himself to say, though struggled to force the shake out of his voice as he avoided looking at Blaine. "He was nice and people liked the idea of us as a couple, but... it never got serious." He trailed off, seeing the look in Blaine's eye, maybe he should have just told the truth, because the younger boy looked so hopeful and... justified? Relieved?

Blaine turned fully to face him and Kurt couldn't help but get defensive seeing that look, he hadn't had enough time to heal after Blaine had cheated on him, and now he'd not had enough time to even process what had happened with Adam, Sebastian, who knew how to help, had been ignoring him still, so he had nobody to talk to about this stuff. Every problem he had, he just pushed it down and pushed it down, and didn't let anybody see. He loved Blaine, but he didn't want to be with anyone right now... But... but maybe he was just being selfish?. "All right, let me break it down for you. All right, the last time we tried dating, and I was in New York and you were here... you cheated on me." He told Blaine, who's smile didn't falter. Kurt had a bad feeling about this. "All right, unacceptable."

"We've been through this," Blaine took a hold of his hand, and he hoped he couldn't feel how warm his hands were. "I thought you were done with me. I thought it was over. I thought I was completely  
out of the picture in your life." He explained, and Kurt felt the words sink in. The same words Blaine and others had told him when they said he should just get over Blaine cheating on him. It was KURT'S fault. Not Blaine... "Look at me in the eyes when I say this. I'm being beyond serious." He forced himself to look into Blaine's eyes, though he wanted nothing more than to run away right now. "I will never, ever, EVER cheat on you again." Blaine told him firmly, though that smile was still there. 

Kurt looked down, leaning back a little and looking up at the sun. Blaine was right... he was to blame. It was all his fault. He shouldn't have tried so hard at the internship, or at his NYADA preparation, or looking after Rachel, he should have put all his effort into his relationship, because he should have known he'd never be loved by anyone else, especially not in the way Blaine had loved him. They were high school sweethearts, and Kurt had thrown it all away by moving to New York. He should have stayed here until Blaine graduated, gone to NYADA the next year, or even tried to get a full time position at Vogue.com. He should have done SOMETHING. Been there for Blaine whenever and wherever he needed him, and ignored his own self, because he'd been selfish, and drove Blaine to another guy... He looked back down from the sun, maybe it was the illness hitting him, but the way Blaine was looking at him made him feel almost dizzy.   
  
Deep breath, Hummel, just say whatever you feel... "I'm gonna need you to sign one of those non-cheating contracts." Well, that wasn't exactly expected... "You know, you can get one on Oprah's web site."  
Blaine shuffled round now, taking a hold of his hands in his, and Kurt startled. Had he really just agreed to...? And after weeks of next to no contact with anyone, the feel of skin against his, even as simple as hand holding, set his lonely heart afire. "I will sign whatever you want. Just please say that you and I can be boyfriends again." Blaine pleaded, and Kurt's expression sank a little. "What?" The ex-warbler asked, clocking the strange look. 

Kurt looked away, pulling his hands away from Blaine's and looking down to the courtyard, seeing all the young couples still in school, laughing and thinking they will last forever, not realising most of them would break up before they graduate, or cheat as soon as they leave for college, or would end up realising that they didn't even really know who the other was... Funny... he really thought himself and Blaine would be the exception to the rule... "I don't know if relationships actually work." He looked back to Blaine, shrugging. "I mean, weren't Bethenny and Jason supposed to be forever?"  
"For every Bethenny and Jason, there is a Will and a Jada, and a-a Kurt and a Goldie." Blaine told him, that smile still there, and Kurt felt his walls being forced down, the other boy forcing his way in with that optimism, that preppy boyish charm... "Come on, can we at least just give it a try?"

Kurt stared at him for a moment. A crossroad moment... 

What was the point in fighting it any more?

"But I'm Goldie, of course." He told Blaine, a small smirk creeping onto his face, though a flash of something shot through him, he wasn't sure what it was exactly, but it felt like a mix between anxiety and butterflies. Somehow, it didn't feel good.   
"Of course you are." Blaine smirked right back, and for a moment, it almost felt as if they were back in school, except for the sick pounding in Kurt's head, the stuffiness in his face, the sore feeling in his throat and the fact that his limbs ached. He decided to just give in to it. It wasn't as big a question as Kurt had been expecting, he should feel relieved to be back with someone who was out of his league in the first place, but there was still that anxiety. 

"I-I can't believe we're gonna do this again..." He found himself muttering, but Blaine seemed to take it in a good way. And Kurt knew what was coming...  
"I was hoping you would say yes. Actually I was kind of planning on it, which I why I sort of, um, put something together to try to convince you to stay a little longer." Blaine stood, and Kurt shook his head.   
"Uh, no, no, no, that's not gonna happen, okay? I-I'm not sitting down and listening to you sing to me anymore." He told him, and Blaine sat back down. Kurt smiled a little. True, he hadn't planned this for Blaine, he'd planned it when Mr. Shue asked him to do a number for Glee to show the kids how to 'do Beatles right', but if he was trying to improve in this relationship, and give his all to Blaine and fix everything he fucked up last time, maybe this was a good place to start. "Which is why I prepared something..." 

Something flashed across Blaine's face, and the start of 'Got to Get You Into My Life' started to play, and Kurt began singing, trying to block out all the people listening around them, and soon Blaine joined in on his solo, but he shrugged it off, jumping up and dancing around with him. 

In the end, they ended up standing on one of the circular tables, and Blaine dragged him into a very passionate, public kiss. Something Blaine used to be against, but Kurt - taken by surprise - didn't pull away, almost melted into the kiss, to have someone's hands on him, the electricity his touch-starved skin produced by the feel of Blaine's lips on his, his hand on his arm. He could blame it on his cold later, but he smiled. Blaine was safe. Blaine was familiar. Blaine was too good for him, and yet... he chose to love him again, even after he'd ruined their whole relationship...

\-------------

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!"   
Sebastian turned quickly, knowing that voice anywhere. The corridor became empty as the last few students who were milling around left to give them some privacy. Sebastian stared at the other boy, not knowing what to say past the surprise at seeing how bad - or rather, how much worse - the boy stood in front of him looked. Kurt looked awful, extremely pale and skinny, looking like he could snap if he took another step. The Warbler also thought he could hear that Kurt was stuffed up from a cold or something, and regardless of wanting to say so many snarky, sarcastic things like usual, he didn't know what to say. He just resided to telling Kurt continue yelling at him until it was out of his system.

"You just IGNORE me, until I have to come down here, to ask WHY the FUCK you're doing so? What did I possibly do to you?! What did I say something you didn't like? Did I do something I wasn't aware of? Did I not try to be a good friend? I don't CARE if you hate me, because guess what, I'm used to it! But DON'T think you can just walk away without even fucking giving me a REASON! Some form of explanation!" He trailed off, closing his eyes as a wave of dizziness hit him, and he subtly rested his hand against the table to the side of the corridor where they stood, just to stabilise himself. Though he doubted Kurt wanted him to, he noticed. He wanted to reach out, but the older boy still seemed mad, his breathing jagged. After a moment, Kurt looked back up to Sebastian, an exhausted form of a glare on his pale face. "I don't expect you to help me, or fix me, or WHATEVER king of charity you thought you were giving me." Kurt continued, his voice was dark, and Sebastian was taken back by it, having forgotten how good Kurt's glare could be, and somehow the older boy's clearly hurting state was making it scarier. "But you can't just make me think you're my friend, make me THINK you're there for me, and then-then just disappear!" He continued, and shook his head a little, anger still clear in his tired features. "I thought we were friends..."  
  
"We-I... Look, I can't explain-" Sebastian tried to think of something he could say that would explain all his behaviour, he'd thought he might be able to let Kurt get on with his life, and maybe Kurt would heal and get better. Now, as he stood in front of him, he was realising how bad things had gotten.   
"You don't have to. I should have known, just like everyone else, you'd get sick of me too." The way he said it... he honestly believed everyone hated him, believed Sebastian hated him. There was so much of Kurt's own mental state, his own TRUTH in his words that it hit Sebastian right in the heart. "I'm just surprised it took so long."  
  
Sebastian shook his head a little, trying to force himself to just have a coherent thought in this situation, he wanted to tell Kurt it wasn't true, nobody hated him, and he loved being friends with him, but the other boy didn't look done with his rant, and he didn't want to interrupt. Plus, he hated to admit, that Kurt was actually opening up and talking about things he would usually pass off as 'fine', because he wasn't focusing on keeping his walls up, on blocking people out, on guarding his words. Instead he was letting his emotions pull him along, and Sebastian KNEW Kurt needed to just let it all out for once, god knows when he had last opened up properly to anyone, and he needed it, even if he didn't yet realise it was happening.   
  
"I'll make it easy for you, Sebastian." Kurt told him, his voice now scarily low, not shouting as he had been when he'd first turned up. "You don't have to message me anymore, you don't have to talk to me, or come to visit before or after you move to New York, you see me on the street and you don't have to even acknowledge me, you can completely forget that I ever existed, because I know that'll make your life a LOT easier." He told him, walking closer and squaring up to the Warbler, who just stood there and took it all. He would never let anyone talk to him like this, but looking into those hurt, once bright blue, now dull eyes glaring into his soul, he knew he deserved this, and he knew Kurt needed it. No matter how much he wanted to tell Kurt that that's not what he wants, he just took it. Kurt huffed a tiny laugh, though there was no amusement there, looking off to one side. "Besides, if Blaine found out I'm messaging another guy, especially the guy that almost blinded him, he'd have a fit."  
  
"Wait, Blaine?" Sebastian finally spoke, what had happened? What about Adam? Since when could Blaine control who Kurt spoke to...? Had Kurt been roped into getting back together with the other boy, did Blaine force him to?!   
Kurt took a step back, watching Sebastian for a moment, the anger slowly subsiding to leave him looking utterly and completely exhausted, though his brows were still creased in anger and... sadness? So many emotions were in his eyes that Sebastian thought he was going to just break down right then and there and not stop for years... And then Kurt turned and stormed away, and Sebastian wanted to follow him, he wanted to hold him and ask him what the fuck was happening, why did he look like death, what did Blaine think he was doing? Reassure him it was all ok... but he didn't know what to do. But he did have a terrible, horrible, sickly feeling that he'd fucked up...

\------------

"You wanted to see me coach Sylvester...?" Kurt asked, knocking on her open door.   
The teacher looked up at him, taking her glasses off and motioning to the chair across from herself. Her schooled expression made it impossible to tell what exactly she was thinking, but there was that same... worry evident that he'd seen on hers and other peoples faces since last year. An entire year living like this... had it really been that long...? "How are you doing, Porcelain?"  
He shrugged a little. "I'm fine."

"Well, I think we both know that's a crock of shit." She smirked a little, and Kurt watched her as her eyes bore into him. "You're clearly not ok, Kurt."  
He tried not to show his surprise that she'd actually used his real name for once, but he frowned a little, simply reiterating. "I'm fine."   
Before she could push the matter any more, he stood and walked out of the door. 

\-------------

Sebastian looked up as the loud noise of singing filled the corridor, and who should come rushing in other than the leader of the Shire himself? Followed by not only the rest of the New Directions, but Vocal Adrenaline as well as a couple other choirs. He folded his arms, amused by this development, though he saw no sign of Kurt with them, and when Blaine announced his plan, asking for the Warblers help, he understood why.   
Most of the rest of the guys seemed excited to help Blaine at any chance they got, regardless of what had happened between him and Kurt in the past, Blaine was still Blaine, and they practically worshipped him. Plus, just before this intrusion, he'd been discussing with the other Warblers on how they could build their reputation back up, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity for a couple of things...

He saw Trent step forward. "We need an official vote, but in the spirit of brotherhood and cleaning up our tarnished reputation, I think we'd all be happy to help."  
"Uh, Trent, we said I'd do the talking." Sebastian told him, stepping forward with a frown, before putting a smile on his face, thinking of what could come from this plan of Blaine's. "All in favour of helping Blaine?"  
"Aye!" The rest of the Warblers shouted, and Sebastian know they would, always happy to help Blaine. 

He smirked down at Blaine, if he proposed to Kurt like that, he'd be humiliated when Kurt said no. He had assumed Kurt was still with Adam, so of course he'd tell the ex-Warbler to shove it. This might turn out to be quite good... Plus, with the whole reputation issue with the Warblers, maybe it would help to work with all these other show choirs. He tried not to smile too much, hardly able to wait to see the look on Blaine's face when Kurt said no in front of everyone. 

\------------

Kurt stared out the window as his dad drove. His hands were shaking so he kept them clenched, his fists and jaw, he felt sick as they went past the highway to the airport. He had hoped he was wrong, and that his dad would be dropping him off here to go back to New York and curl up in the loft and ignore the world until his cold went away, or the world, whichever happened first.  
"Look, I, uh, know we usually take the highway to the airport, but somebody told me about this shortcut through the back roads." Burt told him, and he sighed, not able to will any emotion into his voice, he was too tired, too exhausted to even bother at the moment.   
"Dad, you can stop it. I know you're driving me to my surprise proposal."

Burt chuckled. "I should have known you knew. You're the kid who planned his own surprise party for his tenth birthday."  
"That Justin Timberlake pinata was a perfect likeness." Kurt argued, focusing on the wrong thing on purpose.   
"Well, I wouldn't know." Burt smiled, glancing between the road and his son a couple times, seeing the look on Kurt's face. "You okay? You look like I'm driving you to your execution."

Kurt took a moment to think on how to explain where his thoughts were. "I can't tell. I mean, I really love Blaine, and... He makes me feel so..." He thought it over, what did Blaine make him feel? What HAD he made him feel in the past? "Connected and safe and loved, and I don't think I'm ever gonna find someone else who's gonna make me feel like that..." More like someone who'll treat me like that ever again... he thought bitterly. "But we're both so young." It wasn't his only worry, his mental state, his age... how could he show his disgusting body to Blaine again? Now that he'd gained so much weight after not exercising as much while ill? How could he give all his love to Blaine, all his admiration and help and energy, when he'd messed it up so bad last time...? He was surprised Blaine didn't hate him.

Burt nodded a little, and Kurt wanted nothing more than for his dad to tell him what to do for once. Or ask if he wanted to go to New York and ignore this whole situation. Or to just take a hold of his hand, because that felt safe. "Um... Your mom and I met when we were 22, and I asked her to marry me six months in." He began explaining. "We were just kids. Yeah... It was really hard at first. You know, you go in with all these fantasies about what your life together is gonna be like: nothing but laughing and dancing around in your underwear, cooking pasta, and sex. A lot of sex." He chuckled at Kurt's shake of the head. Kurt had once had these fantasies, and he wished he could bring himself to feel that excited, even if he knew it was a lie. But he wasn't the same naive boy anymore, he knew life hated him, he knew it would do whatever it could to bring him down... There was no break for him. But to go back to thinking that way? What he wouldn't give to feel that care free again... before the cutting, the lies, the starvation... the nausea and dizziness and a cold that just wouldn't leave... "It's hard being married, though. It's hard enough being in your 20's."

"Do you wish you'd waited?" He asked before he realised he'd even opened his mouth.   
"Not one second more." Burt laughed, and Kurt felt his heart sink. There was no choice in this, was there...? This was happening, no running away... Courage, as Blaine had once said. He'd have to make a decision, he just hoped Blaine didn't make a grand sceptical of this. "I wish I'd met her ten years earlier. I didn't know then that I was only going to get so much time with her, you know? That she was gonna leave us so soon. I'd take 50 more years of late-night fights about, you know, me working late or the gas bill or her letting the milk go bad for just... Ten more minutes with her next to me. We only get a few days when you come down to it, Kurt. You know that better than anyone." 

His dad was right. Kurt didn't know how much longer he could keep trudging through life, aimlessly trying to cling onto that last train leaving the station, which seemed to have everyone on it while he was left behind in the dark. Maybe... maybe having Blaine by his side would make it a little easier...?  
They got out of the car, and Kurt stared up at Dalton, a place he'd spent months making friends and falling in love. When his only worries were a closeted gay kid who was just confused and needed help... Just one more day, one day to go back and live his life for that one day in the past, forget what his life had become, forget the pain and anguish, the fear and the hatred he felt toward himself. "Look, totally being honest here... Blaine asked me what I thought about this, and I gave him my opinion."

"Which was?" Kurt mumbled, his voice wavering. He was gonna throw up, he could feel it.   
Burt shook his head. "My opinion doesn't matter here. You're your own man now. But giving you a choice means you gotta make one. So relax. Hear what the guy has to say. I mean, all you gotta do is say yes, no, or maybe."  
He took a deep breath. "Is there another option?"

Into the unknown he supposed, and pushing into the doors, he instantly felt it all hit him properly now. His head spun more than usual, and he wanted to cry, laugh and curl up in a ball all at the same time. But he felt someone take his hand, and Rachel led him down the corridor, past all the dancers, everyone singing 'All You Need is Love' as he was lead to a very familiar staircase. He'd often found himself here while still at Dalton, thinking about the boy that had taken his hand, and with it, his heart, his soul, his love...   
And there he was... surrounded by all his friends and loved ones, the Warbler's looking so happy for them. So many eyes on him, staring at him, waiting for something. He felt Rachel give his hand a squeeze and he realised he was shaking so much he might just collapse. There was Mr. Shue, and Puck, Finn, Santana, Brittany, so many friends and loved ones, even Sebastian stood at the back... He even smiled, like this was all normal, like he hadn't hated Blaine just a few days beforehand...

He focused back on Blaine as he walked over. "We met right here. I took this man's hand, and we ran down that hallway... And for those of you that know me, know I'm not in the habit of taking people's hands I've never met before, but... I think that my soul knew something that my body and my mind didn't know yet." Blaine smiled at Kurt, and he felt tears prick in his eyes, his jaw quivered and he tried to force himself to stop shaking as Blaine took his hand. "It knew that our hands were meant to hold each other, fearlessly and forever. Which is why it's never really felt like I've been getting to know you; it's always felt like I was remembering you from something. As if in every lifetime that you and I have ever lived, we have chosen to come back and find each other and fall in love all over again, over and over for all eternity." He'd once felt the same way, and who knows...? Maybe-maybe with time he could again, right? "And I just feel so lucky that I found you so soon in this lifetime, because all I want to do, all-all I've ever wanted to do... Is spend my life loving you. So... Kurt Hummel... My amazing friend, my one true love..." He dropped to one knee, and there was the box, probably extremely expensive, not that Kurt cared, but Blaine liked to be flashy and he did have money. "Will you marry me?"  
  
He stared at him for a moment, not sure if he could even speak, if any words would come out or if he would throw up all over the boy and embarrass himself in front of all these people. Oh god, all these people... Be strong, Hummel. Be brave, deep breath, say what you feel... "Yeah." It was barely above a hoarse whisper, but it was there. "Yeah." He reiterated, confused by himself as Blaine jumped up, bringing him into a kiss after putting the ring on his finger. He'd said yes... he'd agreed, they were going to get married...


	25. Back to New York

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the last episode!
> 
> I'm calling this 'phase two' going forward, so it's gonna be a bit different, but also the same story, same problems, etc. 
> 
> Warning for the end of this episode and BE WARNED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE, IT'S NOT GONNA BE FUN. For anyone that knows the order of glee episodes, you probably know what's coming up, so I've warned you, don't read the next one if you're easily triggered, I'll be mentioning it in future parts, but not so explicitly. 
> 
> As always, thanks for the comments, the likes, everything else!

Sebastian walked off down the corridor. His face and heart had fallen when Kurt had said yes, and he needed to leave this situation before he did something he regretted.   
"Wait, Sebastian!" Nick called, and he turned to see Niff had followed him. "What's up with you?"  
"This wasn't how it was supposed to go!" He sighed, deflating a little.   
Jeff shook his head a little. "Well, I'm not surprised Kurt said yes. In front of all these people? He didn't exactly have a chance to say no." Jeff shrugged.   
Sebastian sighed, maybe this wasn't such a good idea at all. The other two boys shared a look, and Jeff patted him on the shoulder before they head back to the group. 

Sebastian stayed in the corridor, his arms folded as he watched the floor, feeling like his anger could tear him apart. He shouldn't have been so stupid. He wanted Kurt to be happy, sure, but Blaine wasn't a happy ending for Kurt...   
Speaking of, he glanced up when Kurt had escaped the congratulations, leaving Blaine to deal with the mob of people, all happy and smiling. "Kind of rude of you to walk off..." Kurt mumbled softly, fiddling with his hands. 

Sebastian shrugged, frowning. The whole situation was awkward. He should be happy for the other boy, he SHOULD feel relief because he could try and get over whatever it was he felt for him, but he couldn't. Kurt was making a mistake.   
"Maybe this is all for the best... You and I were never supposed to get along, after all..." Kurt shrugged, looking down at the floor.  
Sebastian watched him, he could see how close to breaking down he was, how scared and lost and defeated he looked. The ring was lose on his bony finger, and HOW had Blaine, who was SUPPOSED to care about him more than anyone else in the world, NOT noticed any of this? "Why would you go back to him?" He found himself saying. "After everything?"

Kurt looked more hurt than before, and almost angry now, though that exhaustion was still there. "Whatever say you wanted to have in my life stopped when you decided you were done with me," Kurt told him sternly. He knew it, he had to hold some of the blame, because he'd been ignoring all of Kurt's calls. If he'd have answered just one of them... put aside his pride and arrogance and been there for his friend... He'd really messed this up. "Whoever I want to date, or marry is MY business, Sebastian, you've made it very clear where you stand."  
"This isn't what you want..." Sebastian told him, his voice soft now. His heart was breaking for the other boy. The ghost of Kurt Hummel who stood in front of him today.   
  
"How do you know?" Kurt asked, tears in his voice and eyes. "Blaine loves me. He knows me..."  
"Does he? Really?" Sebastian frowned. "Does anyone?"  
They stared at each other for a moment, not daring to look away from each other, before Blaine walked down the corridor toward them. "So that's where you went." He called, coming up to Kurt's side and smiling at him, though he seemed confused as to why his fiance was talking to Sebastian. Sebastian watched Kurt wipe his eyes and turn back to Blaine with a smile smile as Blaine took his hand.   
"Hey, just thanking Sebastian for letting you come and propose as Dalton." He lied, letting Blaine kiss him on the cheek, the younger boy looking ignorant to just how lost and upset Kurt looked. 

Blaine turned to him now. "Yeah, thanks again, Sebastian."   
Sebastian shrugged. "No problem."  
"Ready to go? Carole organised a dinner at Breadstix before your next flight?" Blaine asked Kurt, who nodded a little, plastering on a smile.   
Once Blaine started walking away, Kurt looked to Sebastian, nodding at him. "Bye, Sebastian..." He turned and followed Blaine, leaving Sebastian.  
"Bye..." He watched Kurt go, who glanced back at him for a moment, before the two left the corridor and rejoined the happy group. 

Sebastian felt awful, he'd really messed this all up, and now he'd lost one of the best friends he'd ever managed to have. A friend who gave his all to everyone else and never asked for anything in return. A friend who needed his help and he'd been too selfish to see it.   
A friend he was madly in love with, who he'd somehow managed to fall head over heels for, the only person he'd ever actually gotten so close to... a boy who no longer wanted to be friends with him. Who was walking away with a fiance and friends who SAID they cared. And there wasn't anything he could do...

\------------

"Well if it isn't my favourite student," Cassie smirked as Kurt walked in, clutching his bag strap. He'd expected her to say something, and he just smiled a little, waiting for her to finish. "Decided to turn back up and save me from the incompetent ones?"  
Kurt sighed. "I know, I should have told you I'd be gone-"  
"Is that a RING?" She walked over, grabbing his hand and looking at the ring that sat there. She gasped, looking back up at him as if she was in on a secret. "Adam?"  
  
He shook his head a little, and she gasped again, turning back to the class. "Ok, get your butts moving, we're doing box steps as a warm up." She dragged him over to the corner, folding her arms. "Spill the beans, Hummel."  
Kurt shrugged a little. "It's complicated, I don't really KNOW what happened exactly-"  
"Are you sick? You sound stuffed up." She asked, frowning a little. He didn't understand why he was the only student she treated nicely, but it was refreshing.   
"Just a little cold, I'm fine." He shrugged. 

"Right, well, welcome back," She smirked. "Get back in there, box steps. Oh, and you're gonna be helping the group of volunteers helping tune the pianos right? Is that to make up for missing my class?"  
He chuckled. "If you like." He knew how to talk to Cassie, and judging by her smirk, he'd said the right thing.   
"Go on, Kurt, get moving. You get extra marks for volunteering by the way."

\------------

Rachel walked into the room, looking around. "What's going on in here?"  
"Carmen Tibideaux needed volunteers for the annual NYADA piano tuning." Kurt explained, looking up from the keys.   
"So, did you hear about Santana's good news?"   
"That she doesn't have a yeast infection?" He deadpanned, raising a brow.   
  
Rachel laughed, always loving seeing Kurt's deadpan look, even if he hadn't been quite so involved in hanging out recently. "I'm really happy for her."  
Kurt squinted at her. "Okay, what's wrong with you? Because the Rachel I know would be furious at Santana for breezing into town and beating us at booking the first gig." He sighed, time to help Rachel back on track again, he had been away for a while instead of here with her. "You have lost your mojo obsessing over this part. We can't let our feelings of self-worth be determined by some part in a play-"  
"That's easy for you to say; you just got engaged." She pouted, and he paused, oh, yeah, he was marrying Blaine. 

He shook his head. "True, but I'm not pinning all my future happiness on it." He shrugged and avoided looking at her when she looked confused. "I'm telling you, you have got to get your mojo back. Right here, right now. This second." He smirked, beginning to play 'Get Back' on the piano, since he'd been listening to a lot of the Beatles to make himself feel better recently. 

\------------

"I think I need an agent. I guess those contracts I signed for those commercials said that I waived my right to residuals in exchange for a lifetime supply of Yeast-I-Stat." Santana scoffed, looking at the stack of medicine. "Though I don't know whose toxic vagina would need that much of that stuff. I mean, if you're producing that much yeast, you should probably start a bakery."  
"Are you ready for me?" Kurt asked, walking out and doing an awkward pose. He did honestly like his new work outfit in a way, though he had to put cover up on his arms because Gunther said he wasn't allowed to wear a shirt underneath. He just hoped nobody would notice anything, and the cover up he'd found was amazing, it didn't just cover the marks, it also helped even out where the raised parts of his skin was to make it look smooth instead of scarred.  
  
"Sorry. What is Lady Hummel doing here?" Santana asked, and Kurt rolled his eyes.   
He hopped up onto the counter. "Working. Vogue.com doesn't pay, and I need some seed cash to start my Madonna cover band." He figured a musical project would help keep his mind off of other things, hopefully he could distract himself.   
Rachel grinned. "You guys, this is so great. I feel like I'm on Smash, season one."  
"Well, enjoy it while it lasts, because soon you'll be dumping us to play Fanny Brice." Santana shrugged, and Rachel shook her head. 

"Oh, no, that ship has sailed." She told them. "If I got it, I would have heard by now."  
"Rachel, be positive!" Kurt chastised her, giving her a pointed look. True he wanted to help her get her mojo back, but she didn't have to give up on Fanny to do so.   
She sighed. "I am positive, okay? My whole life, I've been looking to be a part of something special to feel special, but the truth is, is that I am special, okay?" She smiled. "And I don't need producers to tell me that. I'm gonna play this part, and if it's not in this production, then that is their loss."

Santana smirked. "Isn't it amazing how life seems so easy when you just don't give a fart?" Kurt frowned a little. His life had been difficult for over a year now, and he worried about everything, and he guessed to the others he just seemed to get along so well. At least they weren't worrying about him, they had their own issues to deal with, without having to bother themselves with any of his. "I mean, look at this. Hummel is getting married, Berry is just full of confidence, and I finally have a girlfriend who I don't have to worry about straying for penis."

Kurt shook his head. "Then let's make a pledge: we stay in this town together for two years, all right? For soaring success or miserable failure." He told them, and they shared a glance. "None of us bail until then, okay, no matter what." He gave them a pointed look and they both smiled.   
"Okay." Santana shrugged.   
"Okay. Pinky swear," Rachel giggled, holding her pinky out. The other two sighed, but held theirs out as well. "Come on."  
"Put those long fingernails in there." Kurt joked, and Santana laughed. 

Gunther walked over, seeing Kurt sat up on the counter, but chose not to say anything. "Someone in booth 14 is looking for the short one. Go." He told Rachel, who quickly walked off to see who she needed to serve. "I take this." Gunther then told Santana, grabbing a box of the medicine before walking off.   
"Gunther, that's my Yeast-I-St... What the hell?" She asked, and Kurt laughed at her face. "Uniform suits you." She told him with a smirk, poking him in the ribs, he giggled, grabbing her fingers.   
"Don't do that!" He told her, sticking his tongue out at her.   
  
"Are you serious?" They heard Rachel's voice, and shared a glance before looking in her direction, wondering what was going on. "Are you serious?! Really?! Oh, my God! Really?! Thank you so much! Thank you!" She ran over to them, hugging Kurt and almost dragging him from the counter top. "I got Fanny!" She told them excitedly, and they both stared at her as everyone clapped. "Oh, my God! Thank you!" She told the producer again and turned back to them. "I got it!"  
"What?" Santana asked, still not sure what was happening.   
"I got it!" Rachel told them.   
Kurt gasped. "She got the part!"

\------------

They'd decided to have a little sing-song when they'd gotten home, and the CD in the player had been the Beatles, so they all sang along to 'Let It Be'. This one was one of Kurt's favourites, one his mother had sang to him a lot, and he'd always hummed it to himself when feeling down.   
The girls decided to go out, and he decided to stay home, still tired and trying to get over a cold that refused to go away. 

He'd just curled up with a hot drink and a book on the sofa, when his phone started ringing behind him in the kitchen. He sighed, jumping up and putting his things down, throwing the blanket back down, and rushing over to grab his phone. He answered to unknown number. "Hello?" He asked, smiling.   
  
His smile slowly dropped. 

He didn't know how long he'd stood there, staring at nothing, his phone making some muffled sound from the floor where it had fallen. 

This had to be a joke...  
This couldn't be happening...

He picked his phone back up, hanging up on the person and going through his contacts, clicking a number and phoning it, over and over again, his heart shattering in his chest with each unanswered call, each time the voicemail message played, each time he could hear that voice...

He threw his phone to the floor, shaking and trying not to cry. 

There had to be some mistake.

There was a knock on the door, and a flicker of hope filled him. He rushed over, opening it, hoping to find cameras or his friends or something. He saw Sebastian, who looked like he was about to say something, but paused, taking in Kurt's appearance. He knew immediately that something was wrong. He saw the shattered phone on the ground, and suddenly Kurt was sobbing, and Sebastian quickly pulled him into his arms, rubbing a hand up and down his back and holding him, thoroughly confused, but knowing something was definitely very wrong. "It's ok. Hey, hey, it's ok..."


	26. Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't read the warning in the last one, this one is gonna be SAD, AND ANGSTY, AND UPSETTING! There will be a lot of mentions of vomit, and self harm, and starvation, including passing out and a lot, lot, lot of crying and mourning.
> 
> Like I said, if anyone knows the order of episodes, you'll know which one this one is, and if you don't think you can handle it, please skip to the next one, you won't miss much, and in case there's important info, I'll put it in either the end notes of this one, or the start notes of the next one so you know if you're missing anything important.
> 
> Once again, I'm sorry.
> 
> And I think it's gonna be a long one so strap in!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is possibly the longest chapter yet, and I'm sorry. If you don't have a lot of time right now, I suggest reading when you have a while to spare. 
> 
> Also, if you're sensitive to this stuff, or feel too upset reading, please please please, just take a break for a while and come back to it later. 
> 
> This one is very sad, and the trigger warnings are very important.

Kurt stood with his fists wrapped in Sebastian's shirt for what felt like hours, until his crying finally slowed down thanks to the other boy comforting him.   
After a while of silence, of Kurt holding onto the boy as if he were the only thing keeping him in this plane of existence; "What are you doing here...?" He asked, trying to avoid talking about the main problem right now.   
"I wanted to apologise," Sebastian pulled back, rubbing his arm. "but that's not important right now. What happened?" He coaxed the older boy back into the apartment, closing the door behind them.   
  
"I just got a call..." Kurt's voice was strained, he struggled to breathe from the anxiety and the crying for so long while being sick. Sebastian didn't say anything, just letting him work through whatever it was he needed to sat. "Apparently I was still down as his emergency contact..." He shook his head, his arms wrapped around himself tight, as if trying to hold himself together.   
Sebastian paused for a second, that didn't sound good, maybe someone was sick? "Who? Your dad?"  
Kurt shook his head. "Finn."  
"What hospital is he at?" Sebastian asked, going to put his jacket on. "I'll pay for the tickets-"  
  
"He's not at a hospital..." And Kurt broke down again, and Sebastian quickly grabbed him before he could fall to his knees. "They said... they-they told me it was instant..." He gasped for air and Sebastian's eyes went wide.   
"Shh, it's ok, you don't have to talk about it yet..." He told him, sitting them down on the sofa, pulling the other boy softly into a hug, and Kurt curled up against him, still crying.   
But after a moment, Kurt pulled back, still frantic as before. "I-I-I have to phone Rachel, and Santana, and-and my dad-!"  
"You need to take a moment for yourself, Kurt..." Sebastian told him pointedly, wiping away his tears with his thumb, though more just took their place. "I'm sure they've contacted Carole, ok? Just try to breathe..."  
  
Kurt wiped angrily at his eyes, as if frustrated that he was crying. He shook his head; "He was nineteen, 'bas..." he managed to force himself to say around his tears, and Sebastian was having a hard time keeping it together himself, seeing Kurt so upset as the finality of what Kurt was saying was getting through to him now. He might not have really known or been close with any of the New Directions, bar Blaine (once) and Kurt now, but Finn seemed like a very decent guy, and he knew Kurt had nothing bad to say about his brother from their phone calls. He nodded a little, not sure what to do.   
"I know, I'm-I'm sorry, I know that won't help anything, but I am REALLY sorry about everything, and this... I don't know how to help..." he admitted.   
  
Kurt managed to smile a little. "I-I don't suppose you have a way to turn back time...?"  
Sebastian chuckled a little. "Sorry, not my forte..."  
They sat for a while, finding comfort in being close to each other, even if last year this would have seemed like the least likely outcome of Sebastian finding out Kurt was working at the Lima Bean.   
After about half an hour of comfortable silence, Sebastian turned to Kurt. "I don't really want to be intruding when Rachel and Santana get home, I mean those girls are unpredictable when something ISN'T wrong, let alone now..." Kurt nodded, understanding. "You should spend some time with them."  
  
"I don't want to be alone until they get here..." He shrugs a little, looking ashamed, and Sebastian nudges his shoulder.   
"You can always accompany me to the hotel for a while? Until they come back?" He suggests, and Kurt nods.   
As they walk, Kurt stares at the ground, and Sebastian doesn't know what to say. "I want to give the girl's their space tonight..." the older boy finally spoke, and Sebastian watched him for a moment, but Kurt didn't look up from the pavement.   
He nodded. "Ok. I can order us a room with two separate beds?" Kurt nodded a little. He no longer cried, he just felt extremely... numb.   
  
They went upstairs after Sebastian booked the room, and the Warbler tried to coax Kurt into getting some rest, it was fairly late after all, but Kurt just perches softly on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. Sebastian took his jacket off, putting it on the chair to one side of the room and watching Kurt. "You might feel better if you sleep..." He tried again, and Kurt continued staring at the floor.   
"Can we just talk...?" He asked softly.   
"What about?"   
Kurt shrugged, offering a tiny, sad smile. "Anything... everything... just-just something to distract me..."  
Sebastian nodded, and they sat talking for hours, until Sebastian eventually fell asleep. 

\------------

He woke a couple of hours later, and wondered what had woken him, until he heard Kurt being sick. He jumped up, rushing into the bathroom.   
The boy looked exhausted, and Sebastian sunk down next to him, rubbing his back, feeling him jump a little. "Are you ok...?"   
"I'm fine..." Kurt muttered in response, not looking at the other boy. He hated people seeing him be sick, even though it was his bodied usual response to stress, bad news and most bad emotions. "Whenever I feel sad or hurt or anything... I tend to be sick..." he explained, his voice raw and hurting. 

Sebastian nodded, sitting with him and continuing to stroke his back until Kurt fell asleep, resting against the tub. Sebastian picked him up - way too easily - and took him back into the room.   
Kurt stirred when Sebastian made to put him down, and took a hold of the younger boy's wrist. "Can you... I... never mind..." he muttered, looking so small and lost, and overall, afraid.   
Sebastian nodded, knowing what the other boy was asking, he walked round to the other side of the bed and got in. "Is this ok...?" he asked Kurt, waiting for a nod before he wrapped an arm around the slim boy's shoulders.   
Kurt nuzzled himself closer, pushing himself against Sebastian in hope of comfort. Sebastian stroked his hair until he finally fell asleep, and he watched Kurt sleep for a while, before drifting off himself. 

\------------

Once again he was woken up before the light had even made it through the windows, but his attention was immediately drawn to Kurt. He was thrashing around, having a nightmare by the looks of it, almost falling from the bed as he twisted and turned. Sebastian quickly tried to wake him, to save him from whatever situation was happening in his mind.   
He quickly wrapped Kurt in his arms when he gasped himself awake, he swayed them back and forth, softly shushing him. "It's ok..." He told him, but he was scared.   
Kurt cried, and he held him.   
  
And after a few minutes, Kurt pulled away, wiping his eyes. "I answered the phone, and I didn't know who it would be..."  
"You don't have to tell me what happened, Kurt, not now-"  
"If I don't I might never be able to." Kurt told him, steeling himself and trying to act brave and strong. "They said my name, but there was no happiness there, and they said something about me being the emergency contact despite being on a New York number." He explained, fiddling with the streets and not looking at the other boy, who slowly rubbed circles into his back, hoping to sooth him through his explanation, to stop him from reliving it. He took a deep, shuddering breath, and forced himself to continue. "They said it was him, that he'd been in an accident, and I just froze. I didn't know what to do, or-or what to say. They told me they were sorry, that it had been instant." He closed his eyes for a second, and Sebastian wanted nothing more than to take the pain away, but he let the boy continue, knowing he'd need to just let it out. "They said they still weren't one-hundred percent sure what had happened, because they were still at the scene, but they were sure the drivers had been 'under the influence of drugs'..." He shook his head, and Sebastian saw a flash of hatred cross over his features, hatred for whoever had been driving, whoever had been the reason Finn was no longer with him. A look he hoped to never see again. 

"Not him though..." He added softly. "He was sober, despite being in the same fraternity as them." He bit his lip, and Sebastian wondered if he was going to continue at all, he knew he wouldn't have been able to. "They said it was instant..." Kurt whispered, his voice high and full of anguish. "That he wouldn't have felt anything... and that's when I stopped listening... I couldn't-I-I should have listened but I couldn't..." He took another deep breath. "I-I tried to phone him, tried to prove to myself it wasn't true, just hoped he would answer, that he would say anything, even to tell me it was a joke that got out of hand..." He shrugged a little. "But he didn't. All I got was his voicemail... Him telling me he'd phone me back later..." Tears escaped him now, and Sebastian felt his own eyes wet at the story. "But he won't..." Kurt broke down again, and Sebastian comforted him until he was quietly hiccuping instead of full blown sobbing. 

He got up, grabbing the other boy a glass of water and taking a moment to compose himself in the bathroom, wiping his own eyes. He should be here for Kurt right now, he could cry later. Kurt thanked him when he handed him the glass, and checked his phone. Many missed calls from Rachel, Santana, his dad, even a few from McKinley.  
"You don't have to answer, they're probably asleep by now..." Sebastian reminded him. "But if you need to, I can go get us some coffee from across the street...?" His offer also an offer of privacy.   
But Kurt shook his head. "Later... I... I can't right now... What would I say to them?"  
Sebastian nodded, and Kurt went quiet, sipping on his water and staring at the bed with an empty look in his eyes. And he'd never looked more exhausted. His eyes puffy and red, almost looking bruised mixed with the black bags. His hair was a mess, and he was shaking softly as he sat there, his shirt hanging slightly at his collar, showing just how skinny he was. 

"This shouldn't happen..." Sebastian found himself mumbling, and Kurt looked up at him. "I mean, I just... Ignore me, I'm tired." He shrugged, and Kurt smiled a little, moving to one side of the bed. "Are you sure-?"  
"If you want to sleep in your own bed, I understand..." Kurt told him, showing him he would completely understand if the other boy wanted his own space. When Sebastian didn't say anything quick enough his anxiety had him rambling. "And-and I know Blaine... he..." He sighed. "He gets a bit jealous of other guys, but-but obviously nothing's going to happen, and..." He trailed off from his rant when Sebastian sat down next to him with a smile.   
  
"Anyone ever told you you get kinda adorable when you're tired?" He smirked, putting some of that usual snarkiness into his voice, something familiar to give Kurt some comfort.   
Kurt rolled his eyes, feeling somewhat dizzy after. "Nah, usually just that I'm bitchy and cranky." He chuckled. "Anyone ever tell you you look like a caffeine deprived meerkat when you're tired?"  
Sebastian laughed loudly, and Kurt shushed him, knowing the walls were probably thin. And that was all it took for them to both break down laughing, only laughing more when they tried not to be too loud. Kurt rested his head on Sebastian's shoulder, shaking his head. "Shh! Do you want us to get kicked out?!"  
"You're one to talk! Ever hear of a lower register?" Sebastian laughed more as Kurt punched his arm, and they both calmed down after another moment. 

Kurt looked guilty, and he knew why, he didn't think he should laugh, or be happy with what had happened. Sebastian watched him smile a little, though it was sad, haunted even. "Thank you, Sebastian..."  
"What for?" He asked back, softly.   
"Tonight... looking out for me... everything you've done the past year..." He sighed, wiping his eyes. "Dealing with all my crazy..."  
"You're not crazy, princess," Sebastian told him, kissing his head. "You're in need of sleep."  
Kurt sighed, nodding. "You're right..." He looked scared. 

"I'm here." Sebastian told him. Kurt smiled a little, curling back up with him and closing his eyes, feeling safer with Sebastian here.   
  
\------------

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us...?" Santana asked Kurt as she walked Rachel to the door.   
Kurt nodded. "I need a couple more days of denial before the funeral..." Kurt told her, walking over and wrapping Rachel in his arms for a moment, before moving onto Santana.   
"You'll message us as soon as you're in Lima?" Santana asked, stern, like a scolding mother.   
"Of course... look after each other." He told them, nodding to them both, and they left. Kurt looked back round the now empty apartment.   
  
He kept expecting his phone to go off, because the last time he'd been here alone, was when he got the news.   
He just felt bad for the others, especially Rachel, and he put all his effort into trying to make her feel better. But he needed to stay here while the other two went. He needed to pretend this wasn't happening, at least, not yet. 

And he walked into the kitchen, his movements calculated, his mind numb and his emotions both going haywire and being way too quite at the same time as he took a hold of his favourite knife, heading into the bathroom and pulling off his top and trousers, dropping the clothes to the floor and throwing the knife atop of them as he sunk down before the toilet, forcing himself to bring up the coffee he'd had that morning, along with bile and stomach lining. He continued, over and over, until his throat felt it would rip itself out if he did any more, and his stomach cramped in on itself, crumpling and painfully begging for him to stop.   
And that was when he grabbed the knife, bringing it to his stomach, next to his belly button, and dragged it across his pale, marked skin, sawing into himself and drawing deep red blood to the surface, which dripped along his skin, staining it in its slow descent. He sighed a little, but it wasn't enough. Not enough to erase the itching in his mind, so he did it again, and he moved onto his thighs, multiple fresh marks bleeding down, the blood spilling over the arch of his remaining muscle, dripping to the deep red towel he'd put on the floor. 

his arms were next, finding any blank spots he could because he didn't like to go over his older marks, he only did that when fully hysteric, when he didn't remember what he'd done until he looked down at himself. At the moment, he was being very structured, the marks clean and straight, and he only added more as that itching wouldn't. go. away.   
It was irritating him, this wasn't working, he didn't know what to do, he brought the blade to his chest in irritation, quickly and deeply dragging it across the flat skin there, blood immediately brought itself to the top and forced its way out and he breathed heavily, feeling a slight relief, but it wasn't enough, he needed more. 

He looked through the cabinets, looking for something that could help more than his trusted knife usually did. He didn't know what exactly, but he knew he needed to get rid of this feeling.   
He'd thrown everything to the floor from the shelves as he looked for something he wasn't sure about, and he dropped back down to the floor, unable to find anything as he gripped the blade back in his fist, shaking with sobs and bringing the blade back to the flesh of his stomach, causing himself more harm in anger, that itching in his mind not leaving him. 

And when he was fully breaking down, bringing the blade to his wrist and not thinking about what he was doing, he heard a quiet knock at the door to the loft. It would be Sebastian, he knew. The girls had gone, so he'd probably come to see if he was ok.   
He looked to the blade, bringing it away from his wrist, and quickly cleaning everything up and yanking his clothes back on before walking back out into the loft, opening the door and greeting him, offering Sebastian a drink.   
Sebastian smiled, completely unaware as to what Kurt had almost just done. He agreed to a drink, closing the door behind him.   
  
Kurt walked to the kitchen, on the way, his head swam. He felt dizzy, so dizzy he had to stop for a moment. 

And then he dropped. 

\------------

Kurt came to, his mind cloudy, and Sebastian quickly jumped into action now he was awake. "What happened? Are you ok?" He asked, quickly, and Kurt grimaced at the loud voice. "I almost called an ambulance, princess..."  
"I'm fine... Just dizzy..." Kurt mumbled in response, trying to sit up as he rubbed his head. "What happened?"  
"You collapsed..." Sebastian told him, helping him up and putting him in a kitchen chair. "DON'T get up!"   
  
"Is that an order...?" Kurt tried to joke, as he forced himself to swim through the fogginess and come back to reality. He couldn't let Sebastian see how little he'd been taking care of himself. What made him feel better... What helped him.   
"Yes. It is." Sebastian went into a cupboard, grabbing some yogurt and water. "Here, finish these..." He put them in front of Kurt and sat down opposite him.   
Kurt drank the water slowly, and poked at the yogurt. Sebastian watched him take a spoonful, looking at it with disgust, and barely able to keep that same look off of his face as he put it in his mouth. He dropped the spoon back down, shaking his head as he forced himself to swallow it. "I feel sick..." He murmured, pushing the bowl away.   
"You need to eat something..." Sebastian reminded him. Something he doubted anyone else had told him in a long time.   
  
"I think I'm entitled to grieve however I want." Kurt snapped a little, before biting his lip and looking down in guilt. "I just..." He sighed. "I don't know what to do now..." He shrugged a little, his voice light and scared. "You know, everyone's telling me how I should feel or what I need to do to get over it... Everyone's already gone to Lima for the funeral, and I'M still here..." He played with his sleeves. Sebastian just nodded. "Because... Because I know when I DO go back..." A shaky breath. "It'll be like admitting it really happened."  
Sebastian got up from his seat and walked to the back of Kurt's chair, putting an arm around his shoulders, just being there for him for now. "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it's gonna be ok..." He got an idea, and smiled a little, hoping it would work. "You still like Doctor Who?"

Kurt scoffed a little. "I LOVE Doctor Who... Don't tell Blaine." He shook his head. "What does that have to do with anything...?"  
"Well, you can be sad now. And you can feel like tearing the universe apart, and you can scream and be angry with whatever force did this. But after the funeral, you need to get on with your life, and that doesn't mean you can't still be sad, or mourn him. But you can't let it take over. You've already got experience with this. So, to quote Doctor Who - and I've only watched it once since you showed it me, so it might not be exact -; 'One day. You can mourn for that one day a year, and it better be good. Crying, screaming, asking why, but after that one day, you pick yourself back up, and you get on with it'."  
Kurt broke down then, turning in his chair and wrapping himself in Sebastian's arms, the back of the chair pushing itself against the fresh cuts. Sebastian himself felt close to tears, but didn't say anything else. "You're right," Kurt told him. "Your quoting definitely isn't exact." Kurt joked, and they both let out a wet laugh. 

\------------

"Are you ready, princess?" Sebastian asked, pushing across the curtain to Kurt's room, to see that the boy sat at the end of his bed, hands in his hair and his closet strewn around him. "Kurt..." he walked over, and knelt next to him, placing a hand on his kneecap. "Hey..."  
Kurt came out of his stupor, looking up with frustrated tears in his eyes and his hands still holding his hair tight.   
Sebastian softly unwound his fingers from his scalp, and smiled, trying to pretend he wasn't worried as hell. "Hey, what's wrong? We gotta leave for the airport soon..."  
  
Kurt shook his head. "It's all wrong!" He breathing was heightened, the start of an anxiety attack.   
"What is?" Sebastian asked him, still talking softly, keeping a hold of Kurt's hands when he tried to pull them back to his hair.   
"Everything! The suit, it-it's not right, it doesn't FEEL. RIGHT. And the rest of the clothes... I mean, I want to wear all black because that's what you're supposed to wear, but none of it feels right, none of it's RIGHT!" He stood up, opening his wardrobe and throwing things to the floor in reckless abandon.   
  
"Hey, hey, no Kurt, stop it!" Sebastian walked over to him, trying to coax the boy into stopping. He could hear how hard it was for Kurt to breathe right now, and he didn't know how to help. "Kurt, please, STOP!"   
Kurt froze a second later, and Sebastian looked to what was in his hands, what Kurt was staring at. One of Finn's shirts...  
There was a moment of silence, before Kurt's hands wound into shaky fists int he fabric, and he grit his teeth. "Kur-"  
  
Before Sebastian could do anything, Kurt turned to one side, and threw his standing mirror over to the floor, where it shattered, the pieces sliding everywhere.   
Sebastian jumped, but Kurt wasn't done. He threw his standing lamp over, where the bulb stopped shining, and turned and completely ripped the curtain down, breaking some of the rings that kept it in place. "IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY HIM?!" He turned to Sebastian, frantic and angry. "Why did it have to be him?! He didn't DO anything! He was the best person I knew! He learned from his mistakes, he didn't wallow in-in self pity! He finally found his dream and-and... and then what?!" He was sobbing now, and turned back round, throwing his armchair over, where it skidded across the floor from his force. "He was the ONLY brother, I am EVER going to have, and that's IT?!" 

Sebastian didn't know what to do, he was scared to approach Kurt at the moment. Not through fear of getting hurt, because he knew Kurt wouldn't hurt him, but the boy was pacing around in the shattered glass, and he didn't want to freak Kurt out to the point where he injured himself.   
Kurt shook his head. "He's just gone! Just like that!" He screamed, and walked to the bed, grabbing the picture of himself and Finn that he had on his desk, and Sebastian jumped in now, wrestling the boy for the picture.   
"Kurt, no! Stop, stop it!" He managed to get the picture from the other boy's shaking hands, throwing it onto the bed before Kurt could do anything, and the other boy began pounding his fists into his chest. "KURT-KURT! I know-I know, you're angry! Ok, I know, and I understand." He didn't stop Kurt from hitting him, until the boy looked like he was about to collapse, and he softly grabbed his wrists, keeping him upright as Kurt cried, his face turned to the ground, his entire body shaking, and Sebastian's heart broke completely for him. How could he help? He was terrible at this... "It's gonna be ok..."  
  
Kurt looked up at him, his eyes red, so many emotions on his face that it hurt to see.   
Sebastian pulled him into a hug and soothed him, and Kurt let him.   
After a moment, Kurt looked to the glass on the floor from the mirror, dotted with blood where he'd paced over it, and he stared at it. He'd had the same reaction when his mom had died. And his dad had found him crying over the broken mirror, cuts in his little fingers from trying to clean it up himself, because he thought his dad would be mad at him. And when his dad had been in hospital, after his heart attack, Kurt had broken his bathroom mirror... the first time he'd tried to cut himself on purpose...

He just stared at the glass silently, hugging himself as Sebastian moved around the room. He wasn't sure what the other boy was doing, but he was too emotionally drained to care.   
"Kurt...?" Sebastian's voice broke him from his trance a few minutes later, and Kurt slowly turned to see Sebastian, standing with Kurt's packed suitcase next to him, and his suit in a clothes back to keep it from being creased in hand. "It's time, princess..."

Kurt nodded a little, wiping his eyes one last time.   
"I've got these, taxi's waiting downstairs." Sebastian told him when Kurt went to take the suitcase from him. Kurt nodded, and they headed out, not looking back at the trashed side of the loft. 

\------------

On the flight, Sebastian saw Kurt was bouncing his leg as he watched out the window, and he smiled, taking a hold of Kurt's hand and turning his attention back to his book that he couldn't concentrate on anyway.   
Kurt flinched a little, looking to Sebastian, who glanced up and smiled at him, and he smiled back, before looking back out of the window. 

Later in the flight, Sebastian noticed Kurt was asleep, and watched him. He seemed so peaceful, so much younger when asleep. His features soft, with the sunset from outside brushing over his features, softening the sharp angles, the deep bags under his eyes.   
And Sebastian thought he's never looked so beautiful. 

The overhead speakers went off, and - despite hating to do so - shook Kurt a little, who stirred sleepily, looking around as if expecting to be at the loft, and Sebastian could see that realisation come back over his face, and the softness was gone, replaced with sadness, regret, guilt...  
"We're gonna be landing soon, princess..." Sebastian told him, explaining why he'd woken him up.   
Kurt nodded a little, readjusting in his seat and putting his seat belt on for when they descended. 

\------------

When they arrived, and once they'd grabbed their bags and headed toward the arrivals, Sebastian got his phone out of his pocket. "I'll drive you home."  
"You don't have to do that-"  
"I want to. Ok?" Sebastian smiled, and Kurt smiled back. "I parked my car in Park F I think..."  
They headed to the car, and Sebastian drove them back home, chatting quietly with Kurt the whole ride back, except when Kurt made him pull over, because one of Finn's songs came on the radio, and he broke down, having an anxiety attack at the side of the road while Sebastian tried to ease him through it.   
  
They finally made it back to Kurt's house, just after sunset, and Kurt took a deep breath, looking up at the house through the window. "It feels like he'll be there..." He mumbled.   
Sebastian smiled sadly, and pat his shoulder. "Can I ask you something?" Kurt looked to him, nodding a little. "Why do you like fiction so much...?"  
The question came from nowhere, but Kurt sighed, he knew the answer. "Because, there's always something more... space, or fantasy, or death..." He shrugged a little. "There's always something..."  
Sebastian smiled. "Your mind's an amazing place, Kurt Hummel," he sighed, and Kurt shook his head, not believing it at all. "And you're right. There IS always something more. And you never know, maybe the reason you feel like he'll still be here is because... because he is still here, in some way."

Kurt huffed a little, shaking his head. "I don't believe in god."  
"I'm not talking about heaven," Sebastian told him. "I'm not religious, so I don't pretend to believe in that stuff... but, like you said, there's always something more. Nobody knows what happened when we die, but-but wouldn't it be better to believe the ones who really love us, want to watch us live, and be happy? And mess up, and fight, and get promoted? You might not believe in god, Kurt, but you want to believe there's something else..."  
"Whats the alternative?" Kurt asked, shaking his head and deflating, admitting it. "They're gone? Stuck in a box and in the ground forever?" He sighed. "Because I know it's true, but... I don't see what the harm is in just telling myself... he's still watching out for me..."

Sebastian smiled. "Then keep reminding yourself of that."  
Kurt sighed, he had a feeling Sebastian had dealt with this sort of stuff in the past, and he made a mental note to ask about it once all this stuff was over. He hugged Sebastian goodbye, and thanked him. Sebastian told him not to worry about it, and to phone or text if he needed anything. Before making a snide remark just to hear that amazing laugh, and to cheer Kurt up, who offered a snide remark right back.   
He took his suitcase and suit from the back seats, and walked tot he house, standing on the doorstep for a moment. He looked back round to wave at Sebastian, who waved back, and he walked in. 

"Hi dad..." He said as he closed the door behind him.   
Burt walked over, pulling him into a tight bear hug. "Kurt..." He pulled back, holding his son's pale cheeks in his big hands. "You doing ok, kiddo?"  
Kurt nodded a little. "I'm ok, dad... how are you? And Carole? Is she ok?"  
Burt smiled, though his eyes were still watery. "We're both ok, Kurt. Always thinkin' 'bout others aren't you?"  
"Can't help it." Kurt shrugged a little, letting his dad drag him into another hug.   
  
"You still sound sick..." Carole's wet voice came from the doorway to the kitchen, and Kurt smiled a little, walking over and hugging her.   
"I'm fine, it's getting better..." He mumbled.   
"She smiled at him with tears in her eyes, patting his thin cheek with her hand. "Have-have you are anything? I can make us all some food..."   
He shook his head a little, not wanting to put her out. "No, thank you, Carole, I ate before I came..." He paused for a second, his eyes becoming wet. "I'm really sorry, Carole..."  
"Oh, honey!" She pulled him into her arms again. "It's not your fault. These things... they-they just happen. Don't you blame yourself for a second."  
Kurt felt his dad join the hug, and after they pulled apart, he took his things upstairs. 

The atmosphere in the once bustling house was sombre, and he stopped in the corridor when he saw Finn's room. His door was closed, with no light on.   
Usually when he visited, he'd go into Finn's room after putting his suitcase in his own, play video games with him, chat about girls and boys, and then fall asleep... something he'd-they'd never be able to do again.   
He slowly pushed the door open, looking around at the dark room, but not letting himself step over the fresh hold, staying in the doorway. It felt empty, and cold, and sad... but then, he could smell him, and it bought tears to his eyes, because it felt as if Finn was hugging him. As if, like Sebastian said, he knew he was there, and wanted to comfort him. Smells had always comforted him.   
  
"Hey, kiddo..." Burt's voice came from behind him, and he slowly turned.   
"Hi, dad..."   
Burt looked at the room and walked over. "We haven't opened it..." He told his son.   
"Sorry..." Kurt whispered.   
"It's ok, Kurt." Burt put his hand on his son's shoulder, and squeezed, and Kurt grabbed his hand, closing his eyes tight. "It's ok." Burt pulled him into his arms, and stroked his back as Kurt silently sobbed into his shirt. 

\------------

The funeral was almost unbearable. 

Everyone cried, held each other. Rachel had sobbed over his casket, reluctant to let go.   
Kurt noticed Mr. Shue was keeping it together surprisingly well, and he himself? He just felt numb. Besides, Carole and Rachel needed more support than he did, and he just stored away his emotions since his breakdown to his dad. 

Blaine held his hand, crying next to him, and Kurt wrapped an arm around the smaller boy, letting him cry into his shoulder.   
But Kurt didn't cry at the funeral. He felt numb, and alone, and afraid.   
  
It was drizzling outside, and Kurt was reminded of Finn's name idea, for his and Quinn's child. It made him want to smile.   
And when they all went outside, so everyone could have one-on-one time with Finn's casket, the sun came out in brilliant beams. And Kurt smiled up at the change of weather, and he wanted to believe it was Finn. Finn, telling them not to be sad, not to wallow in his death. But to enjoy his life, and celebrate who he was, and how much he loved them.   
And then the priest came up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.   
It was his turn to go in, and he almost didn't do it. 

He was glad he did, because if he hadn't, he never would have forgiven himself.   
  
He offered a fake smile to the priest, knowing everyone was watching him, expecting him to break down though he still stood tall, still felt numb and still needed to be there for the others MORE.   
He stood in the doorway of the empty room for a moment. Simply staring at the big black box on the table. Thank god it was closed casket. He couldn't imagine having to see his brother's lifeless face laying there.  
He finally made himself walk over on shaky legs, and placed a bony hand on his brother's coffin.   
  
He looked to the picture on top, of Finn in one of his usual checked shirts, smiling at the camera with that dopey half-smirk thing he always did.   
Kurt laughed a little, shaking his head. So much he wanted to say. So much he'd never get a chance to. Not really. "Goodbye... Bro..." He sighed, scoffing at the last word. A word Finn always called him, that they had joking arguments about, usually followed by Finn ruffling his hair up because he knew it annoyed him. "I love you..." And with that, he walked back out, not even glancing back. 

\------------

As he walked back outside, he could smell Finn, and felt as if his brother patted his shoulder. He ignored everyone looking at him, watching the floor as he walked to one side and the next person would be sent in.   
Everyone seemed to be walking on eggshells around him, just like they did to Rachel, and Carole. He didn't understand, he wasn't the one who needed their sympathy. The others needed love right now. He was used to this hollow feeling. He'd been through it all before, multiple times. And it hurt, but he could survive, the others needed it more. They always needed it more. 

He walked over to Principle Sylvester. "Coach...?"  
"Porcelain." She smiled at him sadly. "What can I do for you?"  
He was happy to see she wasn't treating him like a child. "I found some trees at Home Depo, I figured we could create a memorial at the school for Finn. You know, since you're the principle now..."  
Sue nodded. "Of course. I know just the place."

That night, he watched the world go by outside his window as they drove home.   
He hadn't talked all day, silent the entire time, except to ask Sue his question, and when he'd said goodbye to Finn. He knew the others were worried about him, but he just couldn't bring himself to speak. Blaine rubbed his thumb over Kurt's knuckles as Burt drove. And Blaine looked confused when they stopped in the Hudson-Hummel driveway.   
Burt looked back to him. "For tonight, you can stay, Blaine." He glanced to Kurt, who just continued looking out of the window.  
Blaine nodded. "Thank you, Burt..."

They all went inside, and Kurt hugged Carole and his dad, before softly taking Blaine's hand, and walking upstairs, completely ignoring that Finn's room ever existed.   
Blaine closed the door behind him, and turned to face the room. "How are you feeling...?" He asked Kurt, sitting on the edge of the bed while Kurt slowly walked around his own room. He didn't reply, so Blaine stood, walking over to him and taking his hand, rubbing his thumb over the sparkling ring that sat there. "It's ok to cry, Kurt..."  
Kurt shook his head, placing it on his fiance's shoulder and Blaine slowly swayed them back and forth for a while.   
"Come on, let's get ready for bed." Blaine told him after a while, and they both took turns in the bathroom to get changed and brush their teeth - since Burt and Carole were home, and Kurt didn't want Blaine to see just how well he was handling this whole situation when he took his clothes off - and Kurt watched his fiance climb into bed, holding the covers open for him. 

Kurt played with his sleeves, and he wanted to go back into the bathroom, and find comfort in his razor... But he slowly made his way to the bed, letting Blaine wrap his arms around his slim frame.   
Blaine pressed a kiss to his temple, and Kurt shuddered a little at the contact. "Sleep well, baby..." Blaine whispered. "I love you..."  
"Love you too..." Kurt managed to whisper, his voice cracking.   
And they settled down to sleep. 

\------------

Kurt got into a routine when he got back to New York. Santana was staying in Lima for now, and Rachel was holed up in her room, understandably. This meant he was practically alone the majority of the time.   
He made Rachel breakfast, sitting with her while she ate, if she wanted to talk, they'd talk, if not, they would sit in comfortable and companionable silence. Then he got in a shower, making himself feel better by seeking comfort in his razor. He still felt somewhat numb after everything, and at least in a chaotic world, there were things he could control. He'd taken to weighing himself as well, and the numbers only annoyed him more then seeing his reflection, because even as they got lower, and his clothes tucked in more and more, he still looked the same in the mirror.   
He then went to his room and exercised as much as possible until he collapsed.   
  
He worked from home, sending his work to Isabelle - who insisted he didn't have to keep working right now - and his tutors at NYADA, who were thanking he was still working on his school work with everything that was happening.   
He bought Rachel lunch/dinner depending how late it was when he was too exhausted to work anymore.   
Then he would go and sit on the balcony, and watch the city go by. Usually he was wrapped up in a soft blanket in his pyjamas, not hair gel or spray, no skin care, just him, looking out at the cars going past and the people getting on with their days. 

He'd go back inside, when he started shaking from the cold, heading into the bathroom and having another shower, either scolding hot or freezing cold, and this time he'd spend a lot longer trying to make himself feel better. He'd vomit, cut, shake on the bathroom floor... he was still ill throughout his entire time back, but he didn't care anymore, the fogginess in his head was helping him forget what had happened.   
He did this until Blaine or Sebastian phoned him, and he took that as a sign he should clean himself up and head back into his room, hiding out and watching his ceiling while he was talking to whichever one phoned him first, usually Sebastian. He didn't really remember what they talked about most of the time, but it helped to distract him none the less.   
He'd try to sleep, unable to, so he would go to the sofa and curl up in his blankets, throwing round some bags of junk food - so at least Rachel would think he had been eating SOMETHING - and watch TV, or films, or play video games himself and Finn used to play, or reading a book from his ever expanding collection.   
  
The same thing. Every day. Over and over. 

And the one night, he got a test. And he heard Rachel's phone ping as well, meaning it was more than likely a Glee message?  
  
'Mr. Shue - Hi guys, hope you're all doing ok. I have a special week planned to remember Finn, and I'd love it if you all could come visit. I know a lot of you are busy, or have work or school or lare lacking in funds, but let me know if you can come. Stay strong, Mr. Shue.'

Kurt sighed, looking back at Rachel's closed curtain, but he could hear her crying to herself. He sighed again, pulling his phone back up. 

'Kurt - I'll be there Monday, Mr. Shue.'

He was the first to reply, but soon the chat was full of people saying they were going to come back to visit, others saying they might need to figure some stuff out because of commitments they had, and others that didn't message at all. He didn't judge them. He knew how hard it was.   
Standing, he walked over to Rachel's segment of the apartment, pulling the curtain across.   
She looked up at him, tears streaming down her face, and clenched her eyes shut tight. He quickly went over, pulling her into his arms and sitting with her until she fell asleep on him. Not wanting to disturb her, she tucked them both under the covers, and help her until morning, unable to fall asleep himself. God she was so warm... He'd been either too cold or too hot recently, and today he was freezing, so the warmth of his best friend helped. 

"Morning..." He mumbled when she stirred awake.   
"Hi..." She sighed, wiping her eyes.   
"Breakfast?" He asked, and she nodded, giving him one last squeeze before letting him get up.   
When he returned with the breakfast for her and a coffee for himself, he sat back on the bed with her, blowing over the hot drink. "Do you think you'll go...?"  
She sighed, shrugging a little. "I want to... I don't know."  
  
"That's fair," Kurt nodded. "Do you want me to stay?"  
"Oh, no, Kurt, you've spent all this time looking after me, you... you should go and say goodbye..." She closed her eyes for a moment, and he hugged her again. "I love you, Kurt..."  
"I love you too, Rachel Berry," he smiled, pulling back and wiping her cheeks of the fresh tears. "And it's gonna get easier... it'll never go away, but it WILL get easier."  
She smiled. "I know... thank you, Kurt... Um-can I... I just want to be alone right now..."  
He nodded, kissing her head softly. "No problem... I'll be going once I've packed, I'll let you know before I go." Giving her hand one last squeeze, he left her room, pulling the curtain back across.

\------------

"Three weeks to the day since his funeral, and it's the first time I've had the courage to even look at the suit I wore to it..." Kurt muttered as he looked to the suit hanging in his wardrobe. The suit that felt wrong, despite the fact Finn wouldn't have cared what he'd worn. Hell, he probably would have enjoyed it if Kurt had turned up in his Gaga outfit or something. "And now back to Lima for a special memorial Mr. Shue is planning." He sighed, shaking his head a little, and looking back to the screen, where Sebastian was on a Skype call with him, paused in doing his homework so he could listen to Kurt, because the boy had refused to talk about Finn until now. "We're all going back... everyone who can. Being together is gonna be... hard... it makes it more real..." He shrugged a little again, avoiding looking at the screen. Sebastian nodded in understanding. "but I also need my friends right now."  
  
"Makes sense, princess." Sebastian smiled. "How are you doing though...? Stupid question, I know."  
Kurt sighed. "People keep asking me, 'How are you feeling? WHAT are you feeling?'... I have no answers. Honestly, what can you say about a 19-year-old who dies? Everyone wants to talk about how he died, too, but who cares? One moment in his whole life. I care more about how he lived. And anyone who has a problem with that should remember that he was my brother." He vented his frustrations from the past three weeks. A month since he'd died... It felt like a lifetime and no time at all, all rolled into a big ball of 'fuck you' universe energy. He picked up the picture Sebastian had saved from him when he had his angry burst, smiling sadly at it before putting it in his drawer and turning back to his packing. "I only keep that out when I know she won't come in." He explained, as Sebastian raised a brow. "I gotta go, I'll phone you while I'm in the cab?"  
  
Sebastian smiled. "Of course."  
"And you're sure you're ok with picking me up? I told my dad and Blaine I was fine to take a cab-"  
"Honestly, princess, it's completely fine. I'm having a boring weekend anyway." He smirked, and Kurt rolled his eyes. "Phone me when you're in the cab."  
Kurt nodded. "Will do." He hung up the Skype call and packed his laptop, closing his smaller suitcase, and heading out into the main area, seeing Rachel on the sofa. "Rachel? I'm going now..." He told her, turning and heading to the door. 

His breathing heightened as he stepped out of the door. 'This isn't real. I'm not going home for this. He's going to be there...' He told himself. 'I'm going to spend my entire life missing him.'  
Sebastian had picked him up from the airport when he arrived, and he jumped into the car, putting his suitcase in the back. "Hey." Sebastian greeted him with a smile.   
"Hi." Kurt smiled back. "Thank you again, you really didn't have to come and get me you know?" He pulled his seat belt on as Sebastian scoffed.   
"Are you kidding? If you got a cab from here to your house you'd probably get abducted into a sex trafficking ring where they thrive on guys who look like virgins." He joked, and Kurt offered a joking glare.   
"Well you'd know all about that, what are you, the leader of the traffickers?" He smirked as Sebastian's indignant look.   
"Touche, princess." He chuckled, happy to see Kurt was ok enough to make jokes. "So how come hobbit or your dad couldn't come?"

Kurt smirked at the nickname. "Blaine's at school, and my dad couldn't get off of work today."  
"Fair enough." Sebastian began driving them home. Kurt had gone back to refusing to talk about Finn, and he understood, after all, from what he'd been told by the boy, he was about to spend all week being reminded of his brothers death. He saw no problem in Kurt pretending it wasn't happening, at least until Sebastian dropped him off at the school.   
They arrived at McKinley about a half hour before Glee club, after dropping his bag off at home, and after Sebastian had insisted on buying them both a coffee at Lima Bean. 'Think of it as payback for you buying me those books.' Sebastian had told him with a triumphant smirk as Kurt groaned, and finally gave in. 'Fine. But only this once.'

"Phone me if you need anything, ok? I'll be at Dalton if you need a break." He reminded Kurt, who chuckled.   
"You know how disconcerting it is when you're nice to me?" He joked, and Sebastian laughed. He knew Kurt had been protecting himself with his usual snark and humour, so he didn't say anything bad about it. Heck, him and Kurt had become friends in the first place through their snide comments to each other.  
They both waved goodbye, and Kurt headed into the school, taking a deep breath before heading through the corridors, taking it slow so he wouldn't be the first one in the choir room. 

\------------  
  
"I'm really glad so many of you could make it back for this." Mr. Shue told them as he wrote 'Finn' on the board. Some people were already in tears, and Kurt felt like a weight was placed on his chest.  
"We wouldn't miss it for anything, Mr. Shue." Mike spoke up from the back.   
Mr. Shue nodded at them all. "The funeral was for everyone, but I wanted to do something just for us. To memorialise him the only way we know how... by singing. All week long." He explained, fiddling with his marker pen. "Anyone who wants to can come up and sing. Maybe a song he sung, maybe something that reminds you of him..."  
"Singing isn't going to bring him back." Puck frowned, and Kurt could tell he was angry. As angry as he himself had felt, still felt, even if he was better as keeping it in.   
"No, it's not." Mr. Shue answered, not trying to sugar coat it for once. "Nothing is. Not ever. But... for two minutes or so, we can all maybe remember the best parts of him. So, think of what you want to sing, if you want to sing, and we'll start tomorrow."

Mercedes stood up, walking to the front. "Oh, I-I can't wait until tomorrow, Mr. Shue. I've been bawling for three weeks. If I don't get this all out now, I don't think I'll ever stop crying." She told them all honestly, and Kurt smiled a little. He knew how she was feeling, how all of them were feeling.   
"Sure, Mercedes. Start us off." Mr. Shue smiled, giving Mercedes the floor.   
"Um... I, uh, remember Finn telling me that he sang this song to his baby's sonogram. Well, he thought it was his baby." She chuckled, and a couple of the others laughed, remembering something that felt so small now. "He was the first cool kid to be nice to any of us, and he was... our leader in here." She looked up to the ceiling. "We love you, Finn..." And she began singing, a song Kurt remembered well. He'd been madly in love with Finn at the time, and instead of trying to ruin his relationship with Quinn, he remembered wanting to help...

And he'd suggested this song. He felt like that was the start of Finn and him becoming friends. even if they had their ups and downs, this was the beginning of them being brothers.   
He looked around, everyone was crying, and he didn't know what to do. So he took a hold of Tina's hand on one side, and Sam's on the other, who both smiled at him with appreciation. He nodded to them both, turning his attention back to Mercedes as she continued singing. She really did have a beautiful voice...

\------------

"Sweet, gentle Porcelain, I know you were instrumental in raising the funds for the tree in the memorial garden in Finn's honour." Sue placed her glasses on the desk.   
"All I did was drive to Home Depot and buy a tree for twenty dollars, but, yes." He answered, his voice sounding empty.   
She offered a sad smile. "Well, it looks like we're gonna have to dip into your West Village Halloween Parade Assless Chap Fund once again. Tree is gone. Someone's vandalised the memorial." She told him, her voice as close to caring as she could manage, and he appreciated it, even if he was now pissed at whoever did this. 

"I don't understand! Why would someone do something like that?" He asked.   
She offered a shrug. "Who knows? Grief can bring out the irrational in all of us. Sometimes it makes people do very strange things. Sometimes when people die, we want to hold on to what's left of them to get us through the hard times." He couldn't keep her gaze as she watched him with those calculating eyes. "I'll take that $20 for a new tree, please. I prefer exact change." He rolled his eyes, but handed her the money. "Thanks."  
  
\------------

"I marked these boxes so it'd be easier to separate things." Kurt told Carole, placing the boxes down on the floor and pulling his sleeves over his hands. He wanted to help, but he wasn't sure what he could do. He loved Carole, but he knew he wasn't her son. Her only son had died. And he was just here trying to help out as best he could, but he knew he reminded her of Finn...  
"Thanks, honey." Carole offered an empty smile and he nodded.   
Burt shook his head. "You don't have to do this now. It can wait."  
"There's no timetable..." Kurt added softly, knowing how hard this must be. Hell, he'd trashed his side of the loft when he'd found a shirt of Finn's.   
Carole shook her head. "No. We should do it now, or... I'm afraid I'll never do it."

"Look..." Kurt picked up a football. "It's the ball from the first game we ever scored at." He did the single ladies hand movement, and threw it to Burt. "You should keep this, Dad."  
Burt chuckled. "That was the weirdest football game I ever been to."  
Kurt smiled, scoffing a little when he picked up the object he remembered well. "Look, it's the 'faggy' lamp from my Marlene Dietrich basement redecoration."  
Carole smiled. "I think he kept it in here to prove a point to Burt."

"You know, if it's, uh, okay with everyone, I think I'd like to keep that lamp." Burt took it from his son.   
But Carole shook her head. "No. It's not okay with me. That thing is awful." Kurt chuckled a little.   
"I need a lamp in my office at the shop." Burt explained, and his voice was wet with un-shed tears. "I tore into him about this lamp. You know, I was right, in principle, but, you know, come on. The kid didn't have a prejudiced bone in his body. I knew what he meant when he was calling it 'faggy'." He shook his head, and Kurt felt bad, watching his dad feel like this. "I wasn't teaching him a lesson in tolerance, I was teaching myself one, and he was just unlucky enough to be there for it."  
"Finn knew how you felt about him, honey." Carole reminded him. "He kind of liked it when you yelled at him."

"Should've hugged him more, you know?" Burt asked, and Kurt saw the tears now, and he wanted to hug his dad, to comfort him in this time. Because he'd lost a son too. A wife, and then a son. He didn't know how he could help, so he just let his dad talk, feeling so useless in this situation. "No, it was always... you know, we'd fist-bump or we'd high-five, but... I should've given him more hugs. You know, the last time I saw him, he was so bummed out about some test at school, and... I just, you know... told him to get back at it, you know? He was worth it..." He looked down at the lamp, and Kurt wanted to break down. But he had to be there for Carole and his dad. They needed him right now. This was so difficult for them... "It was the perfect time for a hug. But for whatever reason, I just... I gave him a pat on the back... and that's that. Now he's gone."

Carole tore her gaze from her husband, and Kurt knew she was right on the edge of breaking down. He saw the Letterman jacket in her hands, and quickly stepped in. If he wanted one thing from this room, it was that. Finn had once stuck up for him when the other football players were telling him he would never deserve a Letterman jacket because he was gay, despite winning them most games in the season... "Oh, d-don't. I need that. I want it..." He mumbled, trailing off as he softly took it from Carole before she could throw it away. "Seeing him come into the hallway wearing this... it was like Superman had arrived." He sighed, and chuckled a little. "God, his arms were long."  
The two parents shared a look, and Carole shook her head, her eyes welling with tears. "I always thought that when I, uh... How do parents go on when they lose a child? You know, when I would see that stuff on the news, I'd shut it off, 'cause it was just too horrible to think, but I would always think: how do they wake up every day?" She looked to Burt, her breathing hitching. "I mean, h-h... how do they breathe, honey? But you do wake up. And for just a second, you forget. And then... oh, you remember. And it's like getting that call again... and again, every time. You don't get to stop waking up. You have to keep on being a parent, even though you don't get to have a child anymore..." And she finally broke down, and Burt held her. Kurt didn't know whether to run away, or to try and help. But seeing them both there, he joined them, getting dragged into a tight, almost bone crushing hug.  
  
"Thank you, Kurt... You're such a good kid..." Carole sobbed, and Kurt found himself with tears in his eyes for the first time since before the funeral.   
He nodded a little, not sure what to say. "I'm sorry, Mom..." Was what came out, and Carole stared at him for a moment. He thought about what he'd just said, but before he could apologise, with both of them staring at him, she hugged him tight. He sighed in relief, and Burt joined in on the hug.   
"I love you both... don't ever forget that." Burt told them both.   
"Love you too, honey." Carole told him. And Kurt just closed his eyes, feeling safe between both of his parents.   
  
\------------

Puck walked over to him. "What's with, uh, the Banksy loser parade?" He asked, and he stunk of alcohol. Kurt understood. Some nights, when he knew Rachel was asleep, he'd head to the club, drinking himself into a stupor and stumbling back home.   
"You're exhausting," He muttered, shaking his head. He took a breath, smelling Finn all around him from the jacket he now wore. "You seriously don't recognise this Dumpster?"  
They stood in front of the dumpster Noah used to throw him into every day before school. "Oh, yeah."  
Kurt shrugged a little. "Soon as Finn joined the Glee Club, being a loser, an outcast and a misfit, it... it all became okay..." He didn't have the energy to stay here anymore. He'd designed the stencils, and given everyone his spray paint he usually used for clothes, his job was done. Plus, he knew Noah liked to get aggressive when upset or drunk, in this case both, and that aggression usually worked its way onto him. He figured it was probably because he never let he see how much it got to him. 

But Puck grabbed his arm, and Kurt had to force himself not to hiss as he'd pushed against a series of cuts. "Hey, give me that jacket." He told him, fiercely. "Seriously, I'll pay you for it. I'm sure you have a whole room full of mementos. I got nothing to remember him by."  
Kurt shook his head, folding his arms. "Well, you can't have this."  
"That jacket is reserved for people who earned it." Puck ground out, and he saw something dark flash in Kurt's eyes. As if he didn't fucking earn one himself... what a joke. But Noah continued. "I'm not gonna let you bedazzle it with glitter and turn it into some Project Runway shawl."

"So what are you gonna do, beat me up and take it from me?" He got into Noah's face, and the other boy actually took a step back now. "Throw me in a Dumpster? You can't have it." He told him, finality to his words, before he walked off. Sam and Artie had arranged a song in the stage area, and he wanted to be there to listen to everyone's memorials this week. 

\------------  
  
"You're drunk."  
"You're beautiful."  
"You puke in my locker room, you're cleaning it up."  
"Come on... what's the big deal?"  
"I get needing something to get through the first few days, but it's been a month. You don't have to be scared to have feelings-"  
"That's crap! Of course I do!"

"Why? We're all having 'em!"  
"Not like mine! No one understands!"  
"Understands what? Tell me!"  
"That if I start crying, I don't think I'll ever stop!" A loud slam...   
Silence for a moment, before... "Finn would've kicked over one of my chairs."

"Yeah. That was his specialty."  
"Sit down. Come here." Sobbing...  
"I can't take it... What chance do I have of not being an idiot and hurting people without him around to remind me who I really am?"  
"You just got to do that for yourself now... and see yourself how he saw you."  
"It's not good enough for me! It's not like when he was alive."  
"You got to make it good enough, because it's all we got left. And I'm telling you this straight, cuz that's how you and I talk. He's dead... and all we've got left is his voice in our head. I'm sorry, but it's time you... you got to be your own quarterback."

"Do you think we could... retire his number? Kurt has his Letterman jacket. Maybe... maybe we could frame it or something, and put it up in here. Other kids should know who he was. Years from now."  
"Yeah. I can get that done. But you got to promise to put the tree back."  
"I didn't take the tree.... Fine, I took the tree. It was a garbage tree, though. It wasn't big enough."  
"They grow, you know."  
  
Kurt decided now was a good a time as any, and quietly knocked on the door, stepping in slowly. "Noah, I-"  
Puck pushed him back against the locker, pushing his arm up against his throat in anger as the thought of him listening in to a private conversation. Or maybe he was going to try and beat him up for the jacket. Either way, Kurt just stared at him, until coach Bieste pulled the boy off.   
Kurt took a moment to breathe, as Noah glared at him. "I wanted to give you this..." Kurt mumbled. "I know you wanted the jacket, but I cant... But, there's some of his things for you..." Kurt put the small box down on the bench, and nodded before walking back out again.  
"Hummel..." Puck called after him, but Kurt didn't come back. 

\------------

"Okay, I know that Finn had his doubts about God, but I am convinced that Squishyteets is up in Heaven right now, plopped down next to his new best friend Fat Elvis, helping themselves to a picnic of baby back ribs smothered in butterscotch pudding and tater tot grease, so, this is for you, Hudson." Santana smirked, and Kurt seemed to be the only one not offended. He knew how Santana's mind worked, her insult were similar to his own thoughts about himself, so in a twisted way, he understood. Besides, her tearing others down was simply a defence mechanism. And he wasn't one to judge others for how they dealt with things, not with his strange and harmful coping mechanisms.   
Near the end of the song, she finally broke down.   
Sam stood, walking over and offering a hug, but she pushed him away. "No, no. No! No!" She screamed at him, before running out.   
"I got it..." Kurt told them, jumping up from his seat and quickly walking out of the room, having an idea as to where the girl had gone.

\------------

"You okay? You sang beautifully." He asked softly, sitting down next to her. Not too close, but close enough that she knew he was there for her.   
She shook her head, pushing herself a little closer to him so their thighs touched. "I couldn't do it."  
"There was only one more chorus."  
"No, not the song. I had this whole plan to surprise everyone and not be a bitch for once in my life and say all these nice things about Finn, and then, at the last minute, I chickened out." She sighed, pulling a piece of paper out of her pocket and shaking her head. "I even wrote them all down."

He nodded "Would you read it to me?" He knew she'd always had a soft spot for him, even if she was sometimes cruellest to him.   
"No, I can't. It's too embarrassing. They're, like, really nice."  
Kurt smiled a little. "If there's one thing I've learned from Finn dying, it's that shame is a wasted emotion. I'm sure Finn had secrets, too, but who cares now? Do you really think, one day, on your deathbed, you're gonna think, 'Oh, good, no one knew I was kind'?" He asked, and she watched him for a moment, before sighing.   
"Okay..." She looked down at her list, and smiled a little. "So... 'When we had sex, Finn never stopped asking me if I was okay the whole time, and he meant it'... 'One time, Becky Jackson left a piece of chocolate birthday cake on my chair, and when I sat on it, it looked like I had pooped my pants," They both laughed a little. "and, so, Finn walked behind me until I could get out of school so no one saw my chocolate butt and thought that I had messed myself'."

Kurt smiled as she laughed. "Yeah, you would've never lived that one down."  
"No." She sighed, shaking her head. "He was a much better person than I am."  
"That is true." He nodded, earning an eye roll from her, and he smiled, nudging her a little. "But Finn really cared about you. And I don't think he would've done all those things if he didn't think you were decent, too..."  
She took a deep breath. "Can you leave, please?"  
He nodded, standing and pausing for a second. He took off the Letterman jacket, and softly placed it over her shoulders, before walking away, seeing her wrap it around herself. 

\------------

"How are you doing...?" Mr. Shue asked when Kurt had sat down in his office, and shook his head when offered a drink. "I know how close you and Finn were... and Emma's door's open for you too if you need to talk to someone."  
"Well, thank you Mr. Shue, but I'm fine." He told him, nodding a little.   
The teacher nodded a little. "I notice you didn't want to sing... any reason?"  
Kurt watched his old teacher for a moment, before shrugging. "I have nothing else to say." He stood up, and walked toward the door.   
"What do you mean, Kurt?" Mr. Shue asked before he could leave. 

Kurt turned to face him again. "Finn was my brother. I've spent the better part of a month just trying to get back to life... and I know I still have a long way to go, but I think there are others in that room who need to help themselves say goodbye a lot more than I do."  
"Kurt-"  
"See you later, Mr. Shue..." He walked out quickly, heading down the corridor with his arms wrapped around himself. He knew he was shaking, but he didn't stop, staring at the old tiles of the floor as he walked quickly away. 

"Kurt!" Blaine caught up to him as he pushed himself out the doors and into the rain outside. "Kurt, it's pouring it down, stop!" Blaine told him, and Kurt stopped walking, the rain splashing down on him. Blaine looked at the boy standing there in the rain, not caring that he was getting soaked. "Come on, come back here, out of the rain..." Kurt turned back around and walked back over, under the lean-to where Blaine was, and letting his fiance hold him. But he didn't cry again, he just held it in, pushing it down. The others needed him. "Come on, let's go to glee..." Blaine told him, rubbing his back as they walked. "You're freezing! Here, have my jacket..." He wrapped his jacket around Kurt's shoulders, and Kurt remembered he'd given Finn's Letterman jacket to Santana. "What happened to Finns jacket...?"  
"Santana has it..." Kurt mumbled, shivering as Blaine lead him to Glee.   
  
He ignored everyone staring at him, all soaked and shivering, and he went to the back corner, curling up in his chair with his legs to his chest, and just wishing the others would take their attention off of him. Thankfully, Noah got up, and walked to the front. He nodded to Kurt a little, and Kurt realised he was wearing one of the shirts he'd packed for him of Finn's.   
Once he was done singing, he nodded to them all. "I love you guys."

"Where is it, Puckerman?" Santana stormed down the corridor, and Kurt watched from the back of the choir room. What had happened now...?  
"It's just a tree. I told Beiste I'd put it back." Noah seemed just as confused as him.   
"No, not the tree. Finn's jacket. I went for a lie-down in the nurse's office, hung it up on the coat rack by her door, and when I woke up from my grief siesta, it was gone. I know you took it. We all know you took it." Santana threatened him.   
"I didn't take a jacket." Puck defended himself, standing up.   
  
"If we were rounding up the usual suspects, that would pretty much just be you." Tina told him, and nobody seemed to believe him. Kurt wasn't sure, but if he'd taken it, he'd be sure to give Puck a chance to give it back.   
"I didn't take Finn's jacket!"  
"Enough!" Mr. Shue stood between them. "Please! No fighting this week... Santana?" He called after the girl as she stormed back out again.   
Kurt sighed, walking over to Noah. "You might not have, but... Seriously, Puck, you can keep it tonight, but I need it back tomorrow. All right? It's Santana's now."  
  
\------------

"This is sort of cheesy."   
"No, it's beautiful." Kurt lead Rachel down the corridor, the girl holding onto his arm as they stopped in front of their friends and the locker memorial. "I just had to see it..." He lead her into the choir room, and she told him he could sit down. Unlike everyone else, he listened to her, and left her be because he knew this was hard enough as it was. "Nobody treat me with kid gloves, okay? I don't know  
what to say, either." She shrugged, tears already falling as she held onto her Finn necklace. "I loved Finn, and...he loved me, and he loved all of you guys. I know he did. I like to sing in the car and, um... and before Finn, I used to sing alone..." She paused for a second and took a deep breath. "And this was the first song that I... sang with him when we would... drive around together, so... this is for him."  
She sung beautifully, and afterwards Kurt stood and she ran into his arms, sobbing as he held her, and everyone watched, hugging each other and sobbing. 

\------------

"Kurt." Mr. Shue walked over the next day as Kurt was leaving. Most other people had gone home, but Kurt had stayed to add a few memorial items to the locker capsule he'd made senior year. He turned to face his teacher, who held out the jacket. Kurt stared at him, not knowing what to say. He'd had a feeling the teacher had been the one to take it, though he was confused as to why he was giving it back. "Your dad said you didn't take anything to remind you of him... I thought you should have it..."  
He shook his head. "Give it to Santana, or Rachel-"  
"They both want you to have it," Mr. Shue told him, holding the jacket out. "Please, Kurt, just take it..."  
  
Kurt nodded, accepting the jacket, and walking away down the corridor.   
He could just see Finn, walking down the corridor, smiling and offering him a stupid high-five as he walked. Kurt would shake his head, roll his eyes, but he would high-five him none the less. And the image faded away to an empty, dark corridor.   
And he would try to focus on what Sebastian had said...

One day. He could grieve, and mourn. But he'd have to get back up again. 

Finn was watching over him, and looking after him. He was still here, really. He was a part of Kurt, a part of all of them. And he would never leave. And who knows, maybe he'll get to see im again one day...?

He was going to spend his entire life missing him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have cried a lot writing this one...
> 
> THIS IS SO MUCH LONGER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE, HOLY FUC-
> 
> Ok, so things you'll miss? 
> 
> 1 - Kurt had Finn's Letterman Jacket, because I'm salty that he didn't get to keep it in the end. 
> 
> 2 - Sebastian and Kurt are friends again, even best friends, and Sebastian has been there for Kurt through the whole thing.
> 
> 3 - Kurt called Carole Mum and she accepted it!
> 
> 4 - Kurt has had many breakdowns, including his self harm tendencies, and smashing up his room, including a mirror, lamp, his curtain and chair, and almost smashed a photo of himself and Finn, before Sebastian stopped him.
> 
> 5 - Kurt doesn't believe in god still, duh, but he does believe Finn's watching over him, and hopes one day that he'll see him again. 
> 
> 6 - Sebastian thinks Kurt is beautiful, but is more worried than ever.
> 
> I think that's it? If anyone thinks there's anything more important, please leave it below in the comments so people can read it, and I might add them to the list! :)


	27. Just Blend In

"Who was that?" Blaine asked, smiling as he came into Kurt's room and kissing his fiance on the cheek.  
Kurt put his phone back in his pocket, shrugging a little. "Sebastian."  
Blaine quirked a brow. "Smythe?"  
"The one and only." Kurt chuckled.  
"Huh, what does he want?" Blaine asked, picking up a magazine and sitting down on the bed as he flipped through it.  
  
Kurt paused for a second. "He wanted to ask if I'd like to have a drink." He bit his lip when Blaine looked up at him. "You know, with everything that's happened I think he just wants to put things in the past and move on." He shrugged. He could tell Blaine the truth, he SHOULD tell Blaine the truth. There shouldn't have been any secrets between them. But Kurt worried. How would his fiance react if he told him he'd been friends with the guy that almost blinded him, that punched him in the eye and yelled at him for cheating, for just almost a year without telling him? That Sebastian had stayed at the loft without Rachel or Santana's knowledge? Blaine would probably think he cheated, since he didn't have the highest opinion of Sebastian's one night stand ways, and ever since the Chandler incident - and sometimes before that - Blaine worried about Kurt cheating on him.  
  
Blaine nodded a little, putting the magazine down. "Sounds fun, I guess it's been a while since everything went down..." He shrugged, but still didn't seem best pleased. "What time are we going?"  
"Oh, um, I think we agreed to six o'clock, tonight." Kurt explained, leaning back against his desk. "But-but I don't have to go, I can cancel-"  
Blaine shook his head. "No, no, don't be silly, baby." Blaine smiled, standing and walking over. "It sounds fun. I'll drive!" He kissed Kurt on the cheek. "Wanna go downstairs and watch a movie while Burt and Carole are out?"  
Kurt smiled. "That sounds nice."  
  
\------------  
  
"I'll drive us to the airport when we're done here." Blaine told Kurt as he adjusted his jacket, taking a hold of his fiance's hand.  
"I hope we can get in..." Kurt mumbled, looking at the fake ID Puckerman had gotten him as a joke gift for his last birthday.  
Blaine laughed. "Are you kidding? Scandals is notorious for not caring about ID. We'll get in."  
  
And Blaine was right, of course, they both got in and Kurt scanned the room for Sebastian. He smiled when he spotted him at the bar, and it was almost like de-ja-vu seeing him turn in his stool, smiling at the two approaching him as Kurt lead them over, but this time he was smiling at Kurt, not Blaine.  
"Hey..." Sebastian looked between the two, and Kurt offered him an apologetic smile as Blaine followed him. "Well, pick your poison." He told the two, and Kurt ordered a whiskey, while Blaine went for a beer.  
"Are you sure it's a good idea to be drinking...?" Kurt asked him, not wanting to impose, but he would be driving. "You know, since you're... driving and everything?" He trailed off as Blaine looked to him, confused. "You're not exactly the best at holding your liquor, Blaine..." He muttered, going quiet.  
Blaine smiled. "Let loose, babe. What's the worst that could happen?" He chuckled, but Kurt stared at him for a moment, before excusing himself and quickly walking through the small crowd to the bathrooms.  
  
"You really can be an ass sometimes, Anderson." Sebastian told him, shaking his head. Unbelievable, trust Blaine to be so oblivious.  
He looked confused, but realisation dawned on him and he ran off after Kurt into the bathroom. "I'm so sorry, babe..." He told him, walking over. Kurt shook his head, offering a halfhearted smile as he held himself. "You know me, I don't think before I speak..." There was that puppy-dog look, and Kurt relaxed a little. He hadn't meant anything by what he'd said, he just wasn't thinking.  
"It's fine, Blaine." He smiled a little, letting Blaine take his hand.  
"We're gonna have a good night, ok? Come on, try to distract yourself." Blaine smiled, and bought Kurt back out of the bathroom and over to the bar again.  
  
Sebastian could tell instantly that Kurt was on guard right now, his shoulders weren't relaxed, and he looked tense.  
As the night went on Kurt was quiet, and mostly just let Blaine do the talking unless he was spoken directly to. Blaine spent most of the night asking Sebastian questions, probably just trying to catch up since they hadn't spoken in so long. But there was this tension between the two boys that had Kurt clenching his jaw as he watched them talk.  
Sebastian couldn't help glancing at Kurt the whole night, offering a warm smile when Blaine wasn't looking or wasn't paying attention. The older boy seemed uncomfortable, and he knew it wasn't because of the club. Kurt had proved how much of a party-goer he was when in New York after all. Kurt would simply nod, or smile a little, not really getting involved.  
  
"Hey beautiful, wanna dance?" A guy slurred at one point, and Kurt offered a tiny smile, lifting his hand up to show his engagement ring.  
"Sorry, already taken." He chuckled, and the guy wondered off. Sebastian clocked Blaine's frown, resisting the urge to laugh.  
Throughout the night, more guys tried flirting with Kurt, to the point where Blaine looked frustrated, making a point to keep an arm around the older boy.  
Sebastian wanted to roll his eyes, but he didn't say anything. If he didn't know any better, he'd say the bowtie wearing boy was jealous. Whether it was because his man was getting hit on while he was sat right there, or because he wasn't getting hit on himself, Sebastian couldn't tell, nether the less it was amusing to watch. Especially when Sebastian hid his own flirting with a thin mask of witty banter that made Kurt giggle or laugh every so often. The highlight of the evening as far as he was concerned.

Blaine glared over his shoulder at another guy walking past, eyeing Kurt, though Kurt didn't seem to notice. If he did Sebastian figured he thought nothing of it, since he didn't realise, or understand that so many guys found him insanely hot. It baffled the Warbler that Kurt thought himself unattractive, because he was sexy, and dangerously so. And the way he moved his hips when Blaine asked him to dance... yep, ok, Smythe, you've probably had too much.  
He chuckled at Blaine glaring at yet another guy, looking like an overprotective guard dog. Blaine only tightened his grip around Kurt, who squeaked a little, not expecting it, and immediately blushed. "You know, this would be so much easier if you didn't stand out so much..." Blaine smirked, kissing Kurt's cheek.  
Sebastian frowned, because he could tell behind the roll of the eyes, that Kurt was affected by his fiance's words. "Guess everyone just wants a piece of him, huh, Anderson?" Sebastian joked, winking at Kurt while Blaine rolled his eyes.

Kurt scoffed in response, but smiled, only flushing harder. "I'm sure that's not true in the slightest..." He shook his head, smiling down to his drink, completely unaware of how attractive he was, to everyone in the room.  
"Even if it was, they can't have you." Blaine told him, kissing him hard. Kurt pulled back after a second, and Blaine almost whimpered that he hadn't let him full blown snog him in public. Marking his territory, Sebastian thought.  
When Blaine pouted, Kurt offered him a smile. "Don't want a repeat of last time, honey." He stuck his tongue out at Blaine, and the younger boy laughed.

Sebastian tucked that hint away for later, making a mental note to ask Kurt what exactly he meant by that.  
"So, how did you two get to talking?" Blaine asked, looking from Kurt to Sebastian. "I mean, it's not like either of you ever really liked each other."  
Kurt paused, looking at Sebastian and opening and closing his mouth, trying to think of what to say. "I apologised to Kurt after the proposal, and again today when I phoned to ask if he wanted to hang out. Kurt agreed." Sebastian explained, smiling at Kurt, who looked relieved he didn't have to come up with a lie to tell his fiance.  
  
Blaine smiled at Kurt. "I do love how forgiving he is." He kissed Kurt's cheek, and the older boy rolled his eyes at the 'compliment'.  
"Sometimes too forgiving..." Sebastian muttered, looking around the room nonchalant when Kurt offered him a halfhearted glare. Sebastian finished off his drink, standing up. "Right, come on, dancing time."  
"You've got to be kidding." Kurt chuckled, shaking his head, but Sebastian took his drink from him, placing it on the bar and dragging the couple to the dance floor. Blaine refused, staying in his seat with his second beer and watching as his fiance danced with his old arch-nemesis.  
  
"How times have changed." Sebastian joked, and Kurt laughed as they danced.  
Sebastian glanced in Blaine's direction, offering a tiny wave to the boy, and Kurt smacked his hand down, laughing even harder.  
"Stop it!" He scolded his best friend. "Don't be mean."  
Sebastian shook his head, a happy smile on his face. "Do you think he's jealous?"  
"Blaine? Of course." Kurt chuckled. "I mean, he doesn't exactly know we're actually friends, so this must be a pretty weird sight."  
  
They both laughed, and after a while Blaine looked about done with brooding, and came over to join, dancing very close to his fiance. Sebastian shook his head, funny, a couple years ago, it was kind of amusing and hot to see Kurt protective over Blaine when he'd been dancing with Sebastian. But somehow, Blaine made it look almost pathetic. He didn't strut over with a level of sass not able to be contained by most normal humans as Kurt had done. He didn't slide his way in and flash a devilish, daring glare at Sebastian over his shoulder, like Kurt had done.  
  
Over the past year, Sebastian had questioned a lot of things about himself and his life, but one thing he still didn't understand, was how he could have ever gone after Blaine, when Kurt had been right there.  
  
\------------  
  
Blaine drove himself and Kurt to the airport, singing along loudly to the music on the radio, and Kurt laughed at his fiance, singing along every so often.  
When they arrived, Blaine helped Kurt grab his suitcase from the back of his car, and kissed him. "Call me when you get home, ok?" He smiled, and Kurt nodded.  
"Of course, I will." He let Blaine kiss him again. "And be safe driving, ok?"  
"Don't worry, I will." Blaine smiled. "I love you!"  
Kurt smiled as Blaine got back in his car. "Love you too." He told him, waving as Blaine drove away.

\------------

Kurt had to admit, he enjoyed spending time with Santana's new girlfriend. Dani was fun and he could definitely see why she got on so well with Santana. He didn't mind it when she had to leave him with Dani, they had a lot of the same interests, after all. And honestly it was nice to know another gay person.   
"You got work later? Dani asked as she sat down across the table from him with a cup of coffee.   
Kurt nodded. "Yep, you?"  
"Yep. Is it bad I find it fun to jump up on tables and sing?" She chuckled.   
"Nah, I agree, it's like when we tried to get people to sign up for Glee, except, you know, people actually WANT to listen to us at the diner." 

She laughed. "I remember my choir, it was fun but we had a few assholes."   
Kurt smiled, sipping his tea. "Tell me about it, my school was full of neanderthals who'd never heard of the term 'study' before."  
"Oh, hey babe." Santana smiled as she came into the loft, heading over and kissing Dani. "You guys having fun?"  
"Just telling embarrassing stories about you." Kurt smirked, and Santana glared at him, but he could tell she was worried he actually had.   
Dani laughed at her girlfriends expression. "Don't worry, babe, just talking about our Glee clubs."

"Oh, did Lady Hummel show you any of our performances?" Santana made herself a coffee and sat down with them.   
"No!" Dani grinned. "Show me!"  
Kurt rolled his eyes, but pulled his phone out, bringing up Santana's performance of La Isla Bonita, and they watched, clapping when it was done, and Santana laughed a little, going onto her own phone. "While I stand by how good my performances are, perhaps I should show Dani some of your vocal masturbation?"   
Kurt shook his head. "God no, nobody wants to see that..." He mumbled, putting his phone back in his pocket. He sighed when Santana bought up his performance of 'Not the Boy Next Door', and Dani gasped.   
  
"Oh my god, Kurt! How do you do that with your voice?" She asked, watching the screen. Santana smirked at Kurt as if to say 'I told you so', and he huffed.   
"I don't know, it's just my voice." He shrugged, modestly, looking down at his drink. He wasn't used to people complimenting him.   
Dani raised a brow to him. "Honestly, you looked so confident and in your element... How long ago was that?"  
"A little under a year." Kurt nodded a little, and Dani paused for a second, looking from the screen to the boy sat in front of her. "Anyway, don't want to be the third wheel, so I'll give you guys some space." He smiled at them, standing up picking up his mug.   
"Make sure you're ready for five, otherwise we're going to work without you!" Santana shouted after him as he headed into his room. He flashed her the finger with a smirk and closed his curtain. 

\------------  
  
"Here's your check," Santana smiled at the customer, seeing Kurt walk through the door as the doorbell jingled. "Where have you been? You said you were only gonna be five minutes late." She stormed over to him, folding her arms.   
He simply rolled his eyes, walking past her and over to the counter where he started tying his apron. He smiled to Dani as she greeted him. "I was at Cooper Square. I was putting an ad in The Village Voice for my new band."  
"Wait, you're starting a new band?" Dani asked, looking up from her notepad with a smile.   
"Yes, yes, well, I-I sort of have to 'cause Adam kicked me out of the Adam's Apples when he found out I was engaged..." He didn't want to think about that right now. It was the only interaction he'd had with Adam since they broke up, and it was still making him feel down. 

"Well, what kind of band are you starting?" Santana asked, leaning against the counter next to him as he jumped up to sit on it. "Are you taking girls?"  
Kurt sighed. "Well, originally, I was thinking of a Madonna cover band, but I think I want it to be more organic than that..." He been thinking a lot about where he wanted this band to go in all honesty, and after the others had done so good recently, he just wanted a tiny bit of success to make himself feel better and not like he was a complete failure. "So, yes, girls will be in it, and I was hoping the three of you could spare me the agony of open auditions by signing up?" He glanced round at them all. 

"I don't know, Kurt." Rachel shrugged. "I think it's just a little too soon."  
Kurt smiled a little. "Rachel, Finn wouldn't want you sitting on the sidelines while life passes you by..." He'd had to tell himself that a lot over the past few weeks.   
"I know. It's just that, with whatever strength and creative energy I have, it has to go towards Funny Girl." Rachel explained, and he felt the guilt kick in for talking about Finn when that hadn't been what she was talking about. God he was a bad friend... "I think that joining a band right now would just be a little too much, but... thanks." She walked off and he closed his eyes for a second, sighing before turning back to the other two girls and trying to keep the frown from his face. 

"Well, you've got me." Dani told him, and Kurt grinned.   
"Yes!"  
She turned her attention to her girlfriend. "What about you, babe?"  
Santana looked between the two of them for a moment. "Okay, I guess. But, listen, if we're going to be a part of this band, we don't just get to help with the set list. We also get a say on who joins, right?"  
"Sure. As long as you don't go all crazy Nicki Minaj on me, I'll see you at auditions." Kurt smiled happily. Having the two girls there would make it so much easier, if only he could convince Rachel to join them as well.

\------------

"So... how long do we have to wait here?" Santana asked. They'd been sat there for ages, waiting for someone to turn up to audition for the band. He should have known nobody would want to be in his band. Even in New York, where bands were formed and broken up every single day, he couldn't find people who wanted to work with him.   
He sighed. "This is humiliating... I spent all of my tip money renting out this room because I thought we'd have a turnout."   
"What did you expect? No one's gonna try out for a band that doesn't even have a name." Santana shrugged, leaning back in her chair, mirroring him. "Although I came up with an amazing one."

Kurt rolled his eyes. His short break in the bathroom with his razor hadn't helped as much as he hoped it would. "Okay, we are not naming the band the Apocalipsticks, okay?" He reminded her. "I'm manifesting the perfect name, all right? It takes time-"  
"Yeah, and in the meantime, no one signs up." Santana shook her head.   
"Well, one person did." He shrugged. "They obviously chickened out... Maybe it's for the best. I mean, who names himself 'Starchild'?"

At that moment, an admittedly handsome guy waked into the room, his outfit was dazzling, something Kurt would have worn a couple of years ago, before he'd dulled it down.   
"Sorry I'm late!" The guy said, smiling. "People kept stopping me on the street, Asking if they could take their picture with me."  
"Yeah, 'cause you look friggin' bad-ass!" Dani grinned, obviously impressed with his outfit.   
The guy smiled. "Thanks. I design and sew this costume myself."  
"It's a little Project Runway, Season 6." Kurt mumbled. He didn't understand why he felt a little hostile around this guy. Maybe it was because Santana had always made fun of his outfits, but seemed to be loving this new guy. Probably because he looked better, or skinnier, more toned, or just because he wasn't Kurt... Besides, he was the outgoing one, or he had been.... "Have you prepared a song?"  
  
He nodded. "Yeah, of course. It's by one of my favourite artists, somebody that always inspires me to be myself, no matter what... other people think." He sent Kurt a pointed look, and he frowned, feeling an itching come over his skin at that look. It irritated him, though he wasn't sure why. His frustration only grew when Lady Gaga's 'Marry the Night' began playing.   
This guy, WAS him. Or at least, who he was SUPPOSED to be. Before everything happened, before he'd fallen into this never ending spiral.   
"Yes! Bravo!" Santana stood when he was done performing, clapping loudly. Kurt shrunk in his chair a little. "I would not be embarrassed to share the stage with you."  
"You just rocked it so hard." Dani agreed, and the guy smiled.   
"Thanks-"  
  
"Thank you for your time, Starchild, but it's not a fit." Kurt spoke up before he even knew what he was doing.  
Santana turned to glare at him. "Are you insane?"  
"I'm sorry." Kurt shrugged, avoiding looking at any of them.  
"Would you mind just stepping outside for a moment while I bitch-slap some sense into my friend?" Santana asked Starchild.   
Kurt shook his head. He could speak for himself, and he had a say on who joined the band. "No, I don't need a minute, okay? I've made my decision, all right?" He paused for a second, folding his arms and trying to simmer his anger down a little. It had been a long day... "Your aesthetic is striking, Starchild, but it's a little outré for the team that I'm assembling." He explained. "But if you're willing to tone down your look, maybe I'd reconsider." A shrug, and he stood from his seat. "Now since nobody else is going to show up, I think that's all for today..." He told them all, pulling his bag over his shoulder and quickly leaving the room, ignoring Santana threatening to beat him up. 

He quickly made his way outside, into the nature area of the NYADA campus, and payed for a locker, shoving his bag into it and quickly walking to one of the trails, picking up his pace to a jog, which became a run, and soon turned into a sprint.   
Nobody wanted to be in the band, that much was obvious. And Starchild was great, but this band was supposed to be turned down compared to how he usually was. In a band, everyone had to fit in, and work as a team, and Starchild wouldn't do that, he'd stand out too much. And he knew Santana and probably Dani would be mad at him for saying no, and probably assume he was just being stupid, and maybe he was, but he didn't like how it made him feel, to see someone, so happy to stand out, so confident in themselves, singing Gaga, dancing around like that, making outrageous costumes... All the things he used to be able to do, but now? Now... he was a shell. Broken, a whisper of who he used to be. And this guy comes in, shoving it in Kurt's face, and his friends absolutely adore him, no questions asked, when it had taken years for them to even stop making fun of Kurt for the EXACT same things? Hell, Santana even constantly picked on him after years of friendship, but not a bad word to be said about Starchild?

He wasn't the type to get jealous, but this whole situation had set off an aching, and the feeling that he wanted to throw up.   
He pushed himself harder, his legs burning as he ran as fast as he could, trying to organise his thoughts, but his mind was spinning.   
Falling to one knee at the side of the path, he struggled for air. Nobody was around, which he was glad for, because he didn't think he could deal with anyone seeing him right now. He sat himself down properly, the dust from the path covering his jeans, but he didn't care. 

He brought his legs to his chest, breathing heavily as he clenched his eyes shut. He wasn't good enough. He would NEVER be good enough. His friends should just go and start a band with Starchild themselves, and he'd just go back to his usual routine, forget about his band, spend his time helping Rachel and Santana, and anyone else who needed it. He'd forget about his own dreams or aspirations, because he had to face the truth at some point... he just wasn't GOOD enough.   
Getting into NYADA must have been a fluke, or Carmen had taken pity on him, seeing how pathetic he was. Blaine must have forgotten all the reasons why he shouldn't be with Kurt, why he shouldn't have lowered his standards to Kurt's level. Because Kurt wasn't worth anyone, not his friends, not his fiance, not his dreams.

He sniffled, quickly wiping his eye and looking to one side, avoiding looking at the person walking past. Until... "Kurt?" He kept his gaze down to the floor, hoping he would just go away... leave him to his breakdown, he didn't deserve help, least of all from him... "Having fun...?" Adam smiled, kneeling down in front of him.   
Kurt glanced to him, looking back down and drawing his shoulders up, fiddling with his sleeves. He shrugged. "Best time of my life." He joked bluntly, and Adam smiled. No, he didn't deserve Adam's smile.   
"Come on, it's starting to rain." Adam stood, waiting for Kurt to stand as well.   
He paused for a second, worrying his lip between his teeth, but he pushed himself up, awkwardly walking along side his ex boyfriend, staring at the ground, pulling his sleeves over his hands. 

Adam watched him every so often, he seemed so uncomfortable in his own skin. Guilty, understandably, scared, lost. "So, how come you're dirtying your jeans all the way out here?"  
Kurt jumped a little when he spoke, and dared a glance in Adam's direction. Seeing he was being sincere - though he didn't understand why - he tried to force himself to relax a little, though he was still closed in on himself. "I needed to think." He shrugged a little. "What about you?"  
Adam chuckled. "Well, figured I'd come here for a stroll, I'm heading back to England in a few days."  
Kurt raised a brow. "For good...?"  
"Nah," Adam smiled, happy to see Kurt relaxing a little. "For the time being. You know, I've auditioned for many, many roles and not really gotten anything. I've been offered a short six-week show of Rent back home, well, London, and I figured I could spend some time with my family before rehearsals begin."  
  
Kurt smiled a little. "I'm happy for you..."  
"Thank you." Adam smiled back. After some friendly, if a bit awkward, catching up, they stopped at the gates to the park area. "So..." Adam watched Kurt, that usual admiration there in his expression, and if Kurt hadn't understood it before, he sure as hell didn't now...   
"So..." He said back, shuffling his feet a little. "Adam, I'm really sorr-"  
"Nope." Adam shook his head, holding a hand up to stop him, and Kurt froze, expecting him to give him a piece of his mind. Adam sighed, smiling a little, probably knowing what was going through the other boy's head. "Come on, coffee, I'm buying." He told him, heading to the lockers as drops of rain began to fall. 

Kurt watched him for a moment, unable to move his feet, before he walked over to the lockers and grabbed his bag. He was confused, but he guessed it was just Adam's way to say goodbye. Maybe the closure would help him feel better about the whole thing...?  
"Ready to go?" Adam smiled as Kurt pulled his bag over his shoulder. Kurt nodded. "Come on then."   
They began walking back to the coffee shop on campus, when Kurt's phone began to ring. "Sorry..." He mumbled, stopping in the rain and pulling his phone out. "Hello? Oh, hi Rachel. Oh, no, no, I'm not hungry. But you girls have fun. Ok, bye." He sighed, hanging up and looking back to Adam. "Apparently... Blaine's waiting for me to get home so we can Skype..." He explained softly, gripping his bag strap. He felt so guilty, but Adam smiled a little.   
"No problem. Look, here's my new number," He softly took Kurt's phone, putting in his new number. "Feel free to text me. I might be busy with shows but... You were one of the only proper friends I had here, even with everything that went down." Kurt nodded a little, not sure what to say, and Adam smiled one last time before walking away.

\------------

Kurt had gone straight into his room when he got home, knowing Blaine was waiting for him. He quickly stripped off the wet clothes he had one, grabbing some of his comfy pyjamas and pulling them on, hoping he'd warm up soon. He quickly rubbed a towel through his hair, and tried to make it look more suitable, before grabbing his laptop and curling up in his comfy chair.   
"Hey." Blaine greeted him, nodding a little. "Was getting worried for a moment."  
Kurt shook his head. "Sorry! I was at NYADA, I guess I lost track of time..."  
Blaine shrugged, and they began talking about random stuff, mostly about Glee and what Blaine was doing. 

Half way through the call, Rachel came in and closed Kurt's laptop. How many times would he have to tell her 'the curtain means privacy'? "That was rude..." He muttered.   
But the girl folded her arms, oh great, bitchy Rachel... "So, Santana showed me Starchild's amazing audition video, and she said that you passed on him because you didn't want to share the 'lavender limelight' with anyone?"  
Kurt frowned, shaking his head. None of them had any clue why he had said no to Starchild, yet they acted like he was being completely selfish, acted like he was only thinking of himself... Maybe they were right, but, being his friends, shouldn't they have at least asked HIM why? "Rachel, it's a band, all right?" He put his laptop to one side. "If I was afraid of sharing the limelight with someone, I would do a solo show at the Duplex about my obsession with Broadway divas." He explained, because it was true. He could have made a single act, if giving up the spotlight was something he was worried about. But he wanted to start a band. He wanted to feel like he was in a team, like he was included and appreciated, and part of a group effort. 

"Why did you do that? You know, he's really something special." Rachel replied, and he could tell she hadn't really listened to what he'd said. At least she was asking him why now, instead of just assuming.   
He sighed. "Like I said before, Starchild's look, it's just too... edgy, I-it's too out there. It's-it's not what I want for this band..." He admitted. Because it was true, he loved Starchild's aesthetic, but if it was a choice between all of them dressing themselves up like that and ALL being edgy, or asking him to tone down his look so they all fit in? Simply for the purpose of the band?   
"Okay, and what is that, exactly?"  
"I don't know." Kurt admitted, shaking his head. "Mainstream acceptance and success, for once?" He huffed at Rachel's confused expression. "Look, I've been doing this 'weirdo, quirky, fabulous, outrageous, sidekick, best friend' thing for a while now, and it hasn't gotten me very far."

"It got you to New York, it got you into NYADA!" Rachel argued.   
Kurt shook his head. "Does that give me financial security? A mass audience? A song on the radio?"  
"Since when is that what you want?"   
"Maybe since I moved to New York and saw one of my friends book a Broadway show and another one, a national commercial?" He rubbed his eyes a little. "...Look, Rachel, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be that thing that everyone likes, that thing that everyone wants to see and hear and that doesn't... offend or-or challenge anyone.,,"

Rachel shook her head, as if finally seeing how upset and confused her roommate was about all of this. "No, that's not you. You're way more specific-"  
"Which is code for fringe, which is code for unsuccessful, which is code for, 'You'll never make it in the big leagues, kid. Stop trying'." He frowned, and Rachel offered a look of pity, perhaps it was supposed to be sympathy, but it FELT a lot like pity.   
"I know it's not my band, so I'm not gonna tell you what to do. But as your best friend and your biggest fan, what I love the most about you is that you don't try to do or be what anyone else is doing, okay? You make your own path." She watched him for a second, seeing tears come to his eyes as he fiddled with the hem of his pyjamas pants. She sighed watching him.   
  
"It's so hard sometimes..."  
She nodded. "I know. But it's gonna be worth it in the long run, I promise you. Your brand, it's gonna be huge." Kurt shook his head, but she smiled. "Look at Madonna. She was performing in the East Village, and then she was on the Super Bowl, okay? That's gonna be you... I know it. You are a true talent, Kurt, but I think, you know, that Starchild might be as well." She shrugged, and Kurt glanced up to her, trying to force himself not to cry in front of her. She had a lot going on, looking after him over something so stupid wasn't right. "And, luckily, it might not be too late for you to call him back."

He sighed. "I wish. I... don't even have his phone number. Or his real name."

\------------

Another long day at work, with Santana being passive aggressive toward him for most of the shift, throwing insults at him when people weren't listening. He saw someone new come in, and decided to take this one, heading over and looking at his notepad as he recited the usual greeting. "Hello. Welcome to the Spotlight. I'm Kurt, I'll be your Chorus Boy waiter today. Could I start you off with one of our signature Orange Freezes?" He looked up, and paused.   
"First, uh, can I ask you something? Is this toned down enough?" The guy smiled at him, and Kurt felt a smile come over his face.   
"Oh, my God... Starchild."  
The guy chuckled. "It's Elliot Gilbert, actually. Do you have a minute to talk?"  
  
Kurt quickly nodded, wanting to make amends. Even if he knew he didn't deserve a second chance for Star-Elliot to join his band, he at least wanted to apologise. He didn't want this very talented guy to feel bad about being who he was. Because he'd been made to feel like that over the years and it wasn't a nice feeling. He didn't want Elliot to turn out like him. "Yeah, I-I'm taking an intermission." He called back, taking a seat across from the boy. "Okay, uh, that's how we say. 'I'm taking a break' here... We have to say it that way, otherwise we get fined." Elliot chuckled. "Uh, I'm so happy to see you. I've been trying to find you since your audition..."  
  
"Yeah, same. Uh, hence my stalking you." Elliot smiled, and Kurt chuckled. "So, I'm just gonna come right out and say this. Uh... I need to be in your band." Kurt stared at him, he honestly hadn't expected Elliot to still want to be in his band after the way he treated him. "I mean, I came to New York to be in your band. Something cool and fun and-and special."  
"Well, here's hopin'." Kurt joked. "Um, came from where? And, if you say Ohio, I'm gonna die."  
Elliot smiled. "Paramus, New Jersey. Land of malls. As soon as I was old enough, I used to take New Jersey Transit into the city to see shows and concerts and go to museums. So I only applied to colleges in New York."

"Oh, do you go to NYADA, too?" Kurt smiled.   
"No. NYU. I... didn't get in to NYADA." Elliot shrugged, and Kurt didn't know what to say, how had he gotten in but Starchild didn't? "But it's cool. I mean, I'm doing things all over the city, and one of the things on my artist's bucket list is to be in an indie band. So, if... Starchild's too much for you... I can be whoever you want. I just wanted to make an impression."  
Kurt nodded, he understood, and he knew they were more similar than he first thought. "You did." He told him truthfully. It had overwhelmed him a bit to see someone so similar to how he used to be, before he returned to McKinley from Dalton, a couple weeks in and he was already trying to hide himself away. "And after a lot of soul-searching, I've come to the conclusion that the greatest chance for my band and my-my brand to be successful is to surround myself with the best people. And although there wasn't much of it, you blew the competition away." He smiled. 

Elliot laughed. "So I can audition again?"  
"No." Kurt shook his head, and Elliot looked confused for a second. "You're in. As Elliot Gilbert, as Starchild, or someone in between. Whoever you want to be."  
"Intermission's over!" Santana told him, in the same tone she'd been using with him all day. The tone she'd used to use with him at school before they were in Cheerios together. "And you have a fiancé, so stop flirting."  
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Santana, this is Elliot Gilbert, AKA Starchild."  
"Oh, well, hot damn!" Santana walked over. 

Kurt turned back to Elliot. "And I hope the newest member of our band?"  
Elliot smiled. "You know, in my stalking to try and find you, I managed to find some old performances you did." Kurt froze for a second, worried as to what was coming next. "I was particularly impressed with the cheer-leading routine, where you sang in French? The Victor/Victoria song you did?" Elliot chuckled at Kurt's expression. "I'm not the only one with talent. And an amazing fashions sense."  
Kurt flushed a little, shaking his head. "I've become more muted over the years..." He shrugged a little.   
"Yeah, that stupid private school messed with your head and made you think you needed to fit in." Santana rolled her eyes. "He once wore a corset to class, in Ohio, in a homophobic school."  
"Santana!" Kurt stood, embarrassed. "Stop it!"  
  
Santana laughed. "And don't get me started on the kilt to prom-"  
"Ok, that's enough!" He shooed her away and turned back to Elliot. "As embarrassing as that was, she's right." He shrugged.   
"So, I've seen your regular outfits, and they are still somewhat out there, very high fashion, but can I ask what happened to the more outrageous ones? The ones similar to my Starchild aesthetic?"  
Kurt chuckled, shrugging a little. "I miss dressing like that. But I guess I just got sick of what everyone was saying... Plus, I didn't want to give anyone a reason to bully my boyfriend."  
Elliot nodded, understanding. "Well, I think you should have more confidence man, you're hot." He smirked, laughing a little at Kurt's confused expression. "Ok, I guess I should order something, so I'll have a cheese panini, please."  
  
"Coming right up." Kurt smiled. "And band name brain storming is at seven tonight." He told him.   
"I haven't said yes, yet." Elliot chuckled.   
"You don't have to." Kurt smirked, heading away from the table. 

\------------

"What if we name our band the Nipslips? Boob lovers of all genders will show up for sure." Dani suggested, smiling happily.   
Elliot shrugged. "Um, it worked for the Barenaked Ladies. And they were guys."  
"Sure, we'll just call ourselves the Areolas." Kurt rolled his eyes.   
"Nope. Areola 51... get the sci-fi geeks." Santana smirked, and Kurt huffed.   
"I was being sarcastic."  
  
Santana put her notepad down. "No, you were actually just being the No-bot. How 'bout you pitch something instead of shooting down everything that we're coming up with?"  
"Okay, I don't have it yet." Kurt reminded her. "But I'll know it when I hear it."  
Rachel came home from her late rehearsal, closing the door behind her. "Oh, yo, girl. How was rehearsal?" Santana asked.   
Rachel took her jacket off, placing it down. "It was sad. I sang "My Man" all day, which was kind of depressing."  
"Aw. We have comfort food if you want a slice?" Kurt asked, motioning to the table with pizza and snacks that he hadn't touched any of.   
  
Rachel shook her head. "No, I'm good. What are you guys doing?"  
"Beating our heads up against the wall trying to come up with a name for our band that pleases the queen." Santana explained, motioning to Kurt, who shook his head at her.   
Rachel chuckled. "Why don't you call yourselves... Pamela Lansbury?" She joked, but seeing Kurt's expression she tried to take it back. "No... I was kidding-"  
"Rachel, you're a genius!" Kurt grinned. "A band with the raw sex appeal of Pamela Anderson and the quiet dignity of Angela Lansbury. Okay, now you have to join!" He turned back to her, a pleading look on his face.   
"No, I can't. I told you." Rachel shook her head. 

"Rachel, I'm serious, okay? No more Funny Girl excuses. When Barbra was doing Fanny, she still had time to sing for the President and Ladybird Johnson, pose for the cover of Time magazine, and sing 'Happy Days Are Here Again', to adoring nightclub audiences all around the country." Kurt reminded her, knowing she already knew all of this. "Now, you can do this."  
Rachel smiled, giving in. "Okay, you had me at Ladybird Johnson."  
"Yes!" Kurt got up and hugged her, and she laughed as everyone cheered. 

Now that they had a name, they could start practising. He had printed out lyrics to a song he figured everyone would love, because it would relate to all of them, while matching everyone's aesthetics, and being fun at the same time. A great song to do live. He handed everyone their parts to the song, hoping to shed light on Dani and Elliot as the newest members of the friendship group, while still giving the rest of them plenty of good vocals, and they got set up.   
'Roar', by Katy Perry was the best song to begin with, and everyone had fun. It also helped that Kurt related to this song a lot, and maybe like his friends had said, maybe he should try and get his confidence back a bit more? If he could, that is...


	28. Rebelling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to say because some people have questioned why I continue to keep certain characters in;
> 
> What Lea Michelle has done in the past/present is not a reason for me to cut a character out of my stories. The character may be tainted slightly by what the actor/actress has done, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop using the character. I'm going to keep them separate, so please respect that. 
> 
> I have stories with Puck in, that doesn't mean I condone what the rumours said about his actor, and the same goes for Lea and Rachel, or Naya and Santana, or Ryder and Blake, I'm keeping the characters separate from the actors, because this show saved my life and I'm not going to let it taint one of my favourite shows, even if I've lost some actors I really enjoyed before everything came to light. 
> 
> Thank you for your continued feedback, but please keep comments about this stuff to yourself, especially in terms of using this as an excuse to bully Lea about Cory. I've seen many people, and have had messages from people saying that Lea caused Cory to commit suicide and turn to drugs, and we are NOT going there. It's a horrible accusation, and unlike the rest of it, there is no proof, and we need to be better people. 
> 
> Cancelled culture is out of hand now. We need to be better than this, people, it shouldn't be that hard to realise. 
> 
> With everything going on in the world, be the bigger person. Always try to be the bigger person. I'm not saying what she did was right, as I'm not saying what other actors did was right, and it's wrong for her to trample over everyone else, using the things that she knew would hurt them most to push herself forward and excel her own career, but as far as I'm concerned, I hate what she did back then, but she has apologised, and while it might not be truthful, I'm accepting it until she gives us reason not to. People can change, and we'll just have to wait and see if she has. If she hasn't? THEN I'll accept that I was wrong, but I am a forgiving person, and everyone makes mistakes in their past. We'll just have to wait and see if this is something she's actually working on, or if she's still the same person as she was before. 
> 
> It doesn't make it right. 
> 
> But please try to remember these characters are separate from the actors/actresses/celebrities and I don't want these events to ruin my stories for the people that enjoy my work. 
> 
> Thank you and hope you enjoy this chapter, 
> 
> -Exza~x

Kurt looked to his roommate as she entered the room and gasped when she took her hat off.   
"I just had the most incredible experience of my life."  
"Oh, my God. Did you cut your hair?" He asked, scandalised. It suited her, he had to admit, but he was relieved when she showed it was just a wig.   
Rachel sighed. "I was feeling stuck." She smiled at his raised brow. "You know, Rupert's amazing, but he has such specific views on everything. And it's not like I don't trust his vision, but I felt like I needed to just rebel a little bit in order to have more room to play."

"So he doesn't know that you were wearing a wig?" Kurt asked, picking up the accessory to admire it.   
His roommate shook her head, sitting down in the chair opposite him. "Not at first, but then I told him after rehearsal. And he really loved it, and I might get to wear it in the show-"  
"What if he got mad about you lying to him? Or-or what if he saw that you cut your hair and sent you packing?!" He asked, confused. Surely she could see how risky this was?  
  
Rachel sighed. "Okay, you know what, Kurt? You've become boring." Kurt stared at her for a moment, unsure what to say, because the one thing in his life he had going for him, was that he was NOT boring. "You go to class, and then you come home and you watch your stories and eat all this food and you Skype with Blaine, and it's not even sexy Skyping. I know this because you just go to sleep. Same thing every day." Rachel explained, and he frowned. He wasn't exactly about to tell her he wasn't eating any of the food, and that most of the time it was Sebastian on Skype and not Blaine, and that's why it wasn't 'sexy' Skyping, because Sebastian was one of his best friends and that would be weird. But he was still reeling from the whole 'boring' comment, because he could tell that was going to stick with him for a while... But he resigned to just going along with what she was saying. He could see that glint in her eye, the same one she got when she was trying to forget something, or trying to make herself feel better. And he had a feeling he knew what this was all about...  
"I change up my afternoon smoothie occasionally." He muttered.

"You know, it felt so good taking a risk with this wig." Rachel told him, taking off her jacket and putting it to one side. "It's, like, I just... I felt so alive. And I know I could have messed everything up, but I didn't even care. It's, like, I just wanted to risk it all."  
"What's gotten into you?" Kurt asked, not wanting to beat around the bush anymore.  
She shook her head. "I don't know. But do you remember in high school, everything felt so urgent? Like if we didn't just go for it we'd lose our chance forever?"  
Kurt nodded. "Yes, it was very stressful-"  
"I want to feel that way again." She looked down, brushing out her new wig with her fingers. 

He didn't want to ask, because he didn't want to seem stupid if this wasn't what this was all about, but she was his best friend, he had to say something. "Does this have something to do with Finn?"  
She looked up to him, taking a moment before answering. "You know, if part of my grieving process is just diving headfirst into life, then... maybe."  
Having a feeling he'd made things worse, he smirked at her, coming up with a plan which he'd honestly wanted to do for ages but never really picked up the courage to. Well, tonight was different. He was here for his best friend, as usual, and after having a few drinks earlier before she got home from rehearsals, he wasn't feeling as anxious about it as he probably could have been. She he stood, continuing to smirk as she looked up at him, confused. "All right, Rachel Berry... you got me. Let's go out and do something crazy."

Shocked wasn't exactly the word to describe Rachel's look, but she grinned a little, obviously not expecting Kurt of all people to be coming up with some crazy scheme. He resented that, but knew she needed him so let it slide. "Like what?"  
"Let's go use flash photography at the Met?" Ok, yeah, maybe too much vodka, Hummel...  
Rachel shook her head. "Small potatoes."  
He grinned, heading into the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of bright yellow liquid. "How about we break out the bottle of limoncello you've been saving up." He walked back over, showing the bottle to her.   
"What for?" She raised a brow.   
No going back now. Time to do something he'd been wanting to do for ages now. "Anaesthesia."

\------------

"Oh, my God." Rachel almost squealed, her arm in his as they stood at the counter at the tattoo parlour, looking down at all the designs. "Are we actually gonna do this?"  
"I've always wanted one." Kurt admitted. "...You think Blaine's gonna be mad...?" Ok, he hadn't thought about that before, maybe he shouldn't do this, Blaine might not like the tattoo... Would his fiance break ti off because he got a tattoo?  
"Well, isn't he, like, obsessed with Adam Levine?" Rachel asked, and Kurt nodded to himself. Good, stick to that train of thought, maybe Blaine would find it sexy that he got a tattoo, right?  
He nodded again. "You're... you're right. You're right about everything. I just need to wake up and come out of myself."  
She giggled. "Yes!"  
"You know? I mean, I'm an artist!" He exclaimed, smiling a little. "I should start acting like one! Would Andy Warhol be standing here worrying?"

"No, he wouldn't!" Rachel laughed at his train of thought.  
Kurt handed her the bottle. "To rebellion. In all of its forms." His roommate began downing some of the yellow liquid. "Oh, chug, chug, chug. Ooh!" He chuckled, watching her.   
"Oh, my God, there is a little..." She shook her head with her eyes clenched shut, and Kurt assumed it was sour as she passed the bottle to him.   
"Oh, God, tastes like lemons and gasoline..." He muttered after he'd downed some of it, more than Rachel seemed to realise. It reminded him of one of the cocktails at Internationalz, so it wasn't too bad.   
Rachel shook her head. "The worst."  
"It's the worst." He nodded, but sipped some more. "So, what are we gonna get?"  
  
"I don't know." Rachel shook her head, looking down at the designs they had on display.  
He nodded. "Let's surprise each other." He'd had an idea of what he'd get done after all, so it was just matter of picking which one.   
"Okay. Look at the kitty cat." Rachel smiled at one of the designs.   
"So who's first?" The gruff guy behind the counter asked.   
They both looked to each other, and Rachel looked so nervous that he smiled and turned back to the guy. "Bring it on." He smirked, being lead into the back as he offered Rachel a thumbs up and disappeared behind the curtain.   
  
\------------

In the end, he'd actually gotten a couple of designs, but only one he would tell his roommate about. 'It gets better' On his shoulder blade, A la Demi Lovato and her Warrior tattoo, An infinity symbol on his ankle, and a paper plane on the other ankle. Rachel and Santana wouldn't notice the ones on his ankles, so he could get away with them. In all honesty, he just couldn't decide which one he wanted as his first, so he got them all. The only problem was walking now HURT. And he dreaded to think how much it would hurt when his shoes rubbed on the healing tattoos, but he'd deal with that later. Who knows, maybe it would help him not hurt himself as much?

"Good morning, sunshine." Rachel greeted him as he walked into the kitchen. She giggled.   
Kurt simply shook his head in response. "Two shots of limoncello, and I feel like I got hit by a bus." He lied, but Rachel had never really known him to drink that much, so he wasn't about ti admit his headache was more to do with the fact that he simply hadn't been able to sleep and stayed up exercising all night. And, since she found him boring, he shook his head, sitting down in the chair. "I'm the worst rebel in the world."  
"Well, I made pancakes." Rachel grinned, and he leaned back in his chair, gasping when his new tattoo hit the back. 

"Ooh!" He rubbed his shoulder. "Ooh, oh, I forgot that was there for a moment. I didn't want a tramp stamp, and I thought if I got it on my arm, then I wouldn't be able to go sleeveless again." He explained, shrugging a little.   
"Well, let me see!" Rachel demanded and he stood. He'd been expecting this, which is why he'd applied his cover up before coming out of the bathroom, so she wouldn't see his multitude of marks and scars.   
He stood. "Okay. So when we decided that we were doing it, I knew exactly what I wanted. I even printed it out in the font that I like, so the tattoo guy knew exactly what to do." He explained, and Rachel nodded. "It's both personal and political, just like me... Ta-da!" He put his robe down, turning so she could see the tattoo along his shoulder blade. 

"Oh, Kurt!" She smiled. "'It Gets Better'! That's so sw..." She trailed off, and Kurt frowned.   
"What? Is it infected?" He quickly asked.   
She shook her head. "No, it's just, it says 'It's Get Better', not 'It Gets Better', they misspelled it-"  
Kurt quickly rushed to the mirror, ignoring what he usually looked at when facing the object, and paying attention to the words permanently written on him. "Oh, my God. I have absolute nonsense  
written on me permanently!"  
"Okay, y-y-y-you have to get it removed." Rachel told him, holding her hands over her mouth in shock. 

"Of course I do!" He agreed, running a hand through his hair anxiously. "What if I run into Dan Savage in the steam room at the gym? I mean, I'll be humiliated-"  
"Don't worry, they do a really good job at removing tattoos these days-"  
"Yeah, for tens of thousands of dollars, which I don't have!" Kurt argued, wrapping his arms round himself.   
Rachel looked to be trying to come up with a plan. "Okay, then, we're going to go back to the tattoo parlour and we're gonna have them fix it."  
"Just show me yours, cuz maybe he spelled Streisand wrong, and, a-and we can be maimed together." He told her, waiting for her to show him her tattoo. 

She frowned, pausing for a second, and he stared at her. Oh no... "You know what? I, I, I didn't go through with it."  
"Are you kidding me?" He deadpanned.   
"I was thinking about all of my favourite idols... Barbra, Patti, and Carole King... and none of them have tattoos." She shrugged.   
He gasped, he felt so stupid, and angry, why would he have ever thought trying to cheer himself up was a good idea? He should have known, if he wants something, it's only going to get messed up. He wanted a tattoo for ages, he'd planned the designs, he'd picked the right font, printed it for the artist, and it STILL got messed up. The universe must really hate him. "I cannot believe you backed out without telling me!"

"I went. I was going to go through with it, but you were halfway through yours, and I just... Look, I-I'm really sorry, okay? I-I-I'll go back with you, we can get your money back-" She tried to explain, but he shook his head, yanking his dressing gown back on.   
"No, what I want back I can't get... my innocence, my pride, and my unblemished alabaster skin." He headed into his room, not wanting to be around anyone right now. He needed to relax and use his ways of stress relief at the moment.  
"Kurt..." Rachel called after him, but he grabbed some clothes and locked himself in the bathroom before she could say anything else. 

\------------

Kurt was trying to remain calm as he headed down to the tattoo parlour, but all rational that he might get beaten up by the burly artists is he went in running his mouth when he entered the door and saw the man who gave him the messed up tattoo. "Are you dyslexic? Or illiterate? Or a charlatan?" He asked, not caring when the guy turned to him and folded his arms. "You completely messed up my tattoo. I am scarred!"  
"Let me see." The man told him, and Kurt turned, letting the man see the misspelled mark. "That is exactly what you told me to write." He sighed.   
Kurt faced him again, not caring if he'd get beaten up. "No, I wanted a message of hope. Something to represent my strides I've made as an individual and the political sea change-"  
"You should've put 'It gets better' on there." The guy nodded. 

Kurt simply stared at him, anger boiling over. "I did!"  
"No, you didn't." The guy turned, picking up the piece of paper Kurt had given him yesterday. "This is what you gave me to write. I don't ask questions because I don't want to hear everybody's bull-crap story about what their tattoo means."  
Kurt deflated seeing that he'd been the one to mess up, as usual. "I must've screwed it up when I was typing it..." He admitted, all his gusto leaving him now he knew he was the screw up, like usual. He perched down on the edge of a chair, staring at the floor. Well, it was only a matter of time before he had another day like this. 

"Let me ask you something." The guy said, and Kurt forced himself to turn his attention back to him, to have his breakdown once he got home instead of here. "What are you even doing here? You don't seem like the tattoo type. Though, I was surprised you managed three on your first time."  
Kurt shrugged, shaking his head. "I wanted to rebel. And shake off my doldrums. My path has been different and exciting considering my background but considering who I think I am, and how I see myself, It's like I've taken the street car named predictability." He admitted. His life had gone from exciting and hectic, to depressing and drab, and Rachel thought he was boring, and Blaine wanted him to try and fit in more, and everything - as usual - was going wrong. And right now? He just wanted to hug his brother. "I guess this is the price I pay when I try to surprise myself..." He stood, ready to head out the door.

"Nah." He turned at the man's voice, not expecting to see the look on his face that showed the guy understood. It was the same look a few people had had around him, as if truly seeing him. And for a gruff, biker guy with tattoos, his expression was soft, and somewhat kind. "I think your motives were true. It's just that, you know, when you go off road, man... weird stuff is gonna happen." He shrugged, lifting his shirt up. "Check this out."  
"That demon looks like John Davidson..." Kurt muttered, observing the tattoo on the man.   
The man chuckled. "I got that in Hong Kong. I was trashed, right? And I asked this guy for a Harley Davidson tattoo. And I guess something got lost in translation 'cause when I woke up I had the host of 'That's Incredible!' On my freakin' chest." He laughed. "Turned him into a demon. Lame ass goes to bad ass, two hours tops. My body's covered with mistake ink. You can fix damn near anything." He smirked. 

Kurt paused for a second, not sure if he should ask. "How can you fix this?"  
The man looked back over his tattoo. "Why don't you give me another shot at it? I'm, uh... starting to get a sense of who you are. Why don't you hop back up on the table and I'll see what I can do. No charge. I'll even throw in a tongue piercing. No cost to you." He offered, smiling.   
"Why would I want to do that?" Kurt raised a brow.   
The man sighed. "Look, you step back now, you will never take another risk again. You will have given up on the whole concept of going nuts. What you got to do is you got to go more nuts, have a positive experience. And then you'll realise that that is where you find the juice of life." He laughed, and Kurt thought perhaps this man had gone nuts a few too many times, but it wasn't scary or bad, so he shrugged. "Come on."  
"Oh... Okay. Juice of life." He nodded, following him. 

\------------

As Kurt climbed the steps to the apartment, he tried not to fiddle the tongue stud around, as it hurt, a LOT. The bar made his tongue swell, but the guy - who he'd learned was called Randal - had said it was normal, and that he'd just have to swill with salt water a few times a day to help it heal. He also thought about the strange offer he'd received from the guy;

'You always sketching, kid?' Randal had asked Kurt as he sat in the tattoo chair, doodling in his sketchbook while his tattoo was fixed.   
'Yeah, I love art. I usually just do fashion, though.' Kurt shrugged, letting Randal look over his work.   
He nodded in approval. 'You ever thought about doing tattoos?'

Kurt laughed a little. 'I've designed some here and there, like the ones you did on my ankles, but I've never thought of doing it professionally.'  
'Let me guess, theatre, Broadway and fashion?' Randal chuckled.   
Kurt smiled. 'That's the plan.'  
Randal nodded. 'I can respect that.' He continued working for a moment, until the tattoo was finished, and he tapped Kurt to sit back up so he could do the tongue piercing. 'Look kid, I know you got dreams, but in the meantime, you gotta make money, right?' Kurt nodded a little at the question, confused as Randal handed him his shirt back and grabbed a mirror to show what he'd done to fix it. 'Well, my assistants gone on a trip for a few months, and I'm in need of a new one.' Kurt raised a brow, confused as to why Randal wanted him. 'You man the phones, deal with appointments, and I teach you how to tattoo, pierce, all the business. Sound interesting?'

Kurt paused for a second, he hadn't been expecting this at all, like Randal had said, he didn't seem like the tattoo type... but he did own some clothes of that fashion, and with tattoos and a piercing? For some extra money? Maybe it would be a good idea? He loved the work Randal had done to fix his tattoo, and he pulled his shirt back on.  
'You make a commission from each tattoo or piercing on top of the rate I give ya for desk duty, and I'll give you discount on other ink and piercings, if you wanna keep going crazy. Deal?' Randal held his hand forward, raising a brow with the piercing gun in his other hand.   
Kurt thought for a second. 'I have another job as well, and college-'  
'Not a problem, this'll be more evening work, and you can pick your hours.' Randal explained. 'Come on, kid. Live a little.'

\----------

"Hey, where have you been?" Rachel asked as he came up to her room. He winced as he swallowed around his piercing, and Rachel frowned. "Look, I know that you're upset with me about the tattoo and everything, but this silent treatment, it's a little immature."  
He rolled his eyes. "It's kind of hard to talk." He explained, hearing his own lisp as he spoke.  
"Are you eating something?" Rachel questioned, gasping. "Did you get a pretzel from the guy down the street? Because I thought we were diet partners-"  
"I pierced my tongue." Kurt explained, stepping forward.   
Rachel grimaced. "You pierced your tongue?!" She gasped as he showed her. "Oh, my God, that is so gross! Put that away. I don't want to look at it." She squirmed. "Doesn't it hurt?"

Kurt shrugged a little. It was a dull kind of pain, it wasn't too bad, it was when he accidentally caught it that it hurt. "I-It's not that bad actually. Randal Louis did it for free when he fixed my tattoo."  
"You fixed it? What did he do?" Rachel asked, kneeling up on her bed and waiting for Kurt to show her.   
"He got a little creative with the phrasing. One might say poetic." Kurt explained, turning. "But, you know, I really do think he captured my essence, given the circumstances."  
Rachel turned him quickly. "Let me see!" She pulled his shirt down. "'It's Got Bette Midler'... 'It's Got Bette Midler'." She grinned. "Oh, my God, that is genius. And it makes absolutely no sense!"  
"But it makes perfect sense, and I honestly kind of love it." Kurt shrugged, doing his shirt buttons back up. 

Rachel nodded. "So, uh, what about the tongue stud?"  
"Uh..." Kurt shrugged. Looking at his best friend, he missed being so honest with her. They used to share everything. He decided to be honest with her in this situation, because he knew she was feeling the same int his scenario. "I think... I was in the same boat as you. Ever since Finn died, I've been going about my business, but I've also kind of been in a trance. And I guess I just needed to be shocked back to life. And... there was something about having a metal stud go through your tongue that does the trick." He chuckled, trying to bring light to the conversation.   
"Hmm." Rachel chuckled, but grimaced when Kurt stuck his tongue out at her again. "So, are you going to talk like that forever?"  
He shook his head. "No, it should go down after a couple days. You should totally get one of these."  
  
"Oh, yeah, totally." Rachel rolled her eyes.   
Kurt nodded, smirking as much as he could with his mouth hurting. "Yeah, rethink that tattoo."  
"I-I don't... I just... I don't think that there's anything that I would, like, love enough that I would want to get on my body for the next 50 years, so..." She shrugged, shaking her head.   
"Well, suit yourself." Kurt patted her arm. "Meanwhile, I'm going to go Skype with Blaine and show him my new tat and piercing. Maybe if I play a little Maroon 5 I'll get cyber lucky." He clicked his tongue at her, and winked, before leaving for his room. 

After a moment, he realised he'd was going to ask if he could have the book he lent her back, so he walked back over, pausing as he saw her looking in the mirror, at a small tattoo on her hip. One tiny word, that meant so much. 'Finn'. He smiled a little to himself, quietly leaving the room, deciding not to ask her about it. It was personal for her, and he wasn't going to question that. His infinity tattoo was somewhat dedicated to his brother after all, so he couldn't complain.

He hummed to himself, a strange feeling coming over his tongue as he did so, opening up his laptop and Skype as he grabbed some comfy clothes and got changed. At least the piercing was going to make it harder to eat anything for a while, not that he'd been doing much eating anyway.   
Rachel had asked him to be her diet buddy, and that also game him another excuse not to go near food for a while.   
"Hey, stranger~" Blaine's voice came from the laptop, and Kurt smiled to his fiance over his shoulder.   
"Hey." He greeted, grabbing a shirt.   
He heard Blaine gasp. "Kurt, what is that on your shoulder?!" 

Kurt chuckled, turning to face the laptop and pulling his baggy jumper on. "You like Adam Levine right?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smaller chapter for this one, and probs the next one as well


	29. Fiancés in New York

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while, I have 3 commissions on the go as well as training courses for work and work in general... been very busy recently aha.
> 
> My mental state may have taken a hit as of late, more so than usual and that's saying something, the world's going to shit and I'm just finding myself sick of it all tbh... I'm just so tired... but to quote one of my favourite Glee songs - and Kurt solos - 'I'm Still Here!' So let's do this!
> 
> Also, did anyone else get super strong Harry and Ron Starkid AVPM vibes from Blam in this episode? Was it just me thinking that? Did Ryan Murphy try to turn them into that? Is that what happened? IDK, just something I realised haha  
Plus this episode in general just felt weird? Like the way it was shot, the strange acting and the way everyone delivered their dialogue? Idk it just felt so different than Glee usually is.

Kurt looked up as the door to the loft slid open, forgetting about his magazine when Blaine and Sam walked in. He jumped up as his roommates also came out to see what was going on, and while Rachel hugged Blaine, he accepted a hug and pat on the back from Sam. He then moved to his fiance, who lifted him slightly when he hugged him. Kurt laughed. "What are you doing here?"  
"Aren't we allowed to drop in?" Blaine smiled.   
"You should have told me you guys were coming, I would have cooked something, or-or made tea!" He told them. He honestly wasn't expecting the two boys to turn up.   
Blaine chuckled, taking his hand. "Relax, babey. I'll help you make some drinks, ok?"  
Kurt nodded, smiling. "Ok. Make yourself at home, Sam."  
  
Sam nodded, hugging Santana and the two girls lead him over to the lounge area.   
"I'm glad you're here." Kurt told his fiance with a smile as they began making the drinks.   
Blaine smiled back at him with a wink. "Me too. Really glad~" He placed a kiss to Kurt's cheek, then one on his neck. He pouted a little when Kurt pulled away, giving him a look that said 'behave'. "Fine, fine, but later;" Blaine smirked, stroking his hand. "We need to catch up." Another wink, and they continued making the drinks while Kurt attempted to keep his flush under control. 

\------------

"Can I get you guys a refill?" He heard Rachel ask as he walked from the back, having been doodling some tattoo designs he'd been commissioned a couple of nights ago on his first shift at the parlour. He didn't need Pascal wondering what he was doodling, so he decided to get back to work. Or check up on his fiance, since Blaine was shooting him a little smirk across the room. Apparently the tattoo was a good move, if the last night was anything to go by, though it hadn't been quite that look Blaine had when seeing Adam Levine, it was closer than usual.   
"Why are you still working?" He heard Santana ask. "Aren't you rehearsing like 24/7?"  
"Fanny Brice was a working girl. My director and I think it's really important to keep the character as alive and authentic as possible." Rachel replied, waving at him as he walked past. He offered her a nod and sat himself down at the table with the boys.

He'd never felt fully comfortable in the boy group at school, but Blaine was his fiance, and Sam had lived with him for a while - plus never had a bad word to say about Kurt. The countertenor worried for Sam a bit, in all honesty. He seemed distracted most of the time, and stuck in his own thoughts the other half. He wanted to ask, but he chose to just give his support without confronting the other boy. He didn't want to be a hypocrite after all, even if he didn't feel like his own coping mechanisms were wrong in the slightest, he didn't need anyone else finding out. And now, since joining NYADA and being in New York; he felt a lot more comfortable around groups of guys. "So, did you boys like those historical sites I recommended?" He asked with a smile.   
"Um, we checked out that deconstructed bathhouse on St.Mark's where Tennessee Williams got in that fistfight with Tallulah Bankhead." Blaine smiled, sipping his coffee. 

"Oh yeah! That was awesome." Sam smiled, offering a friendly punch in the shoulder to Kurt. He smiled, but the small punch had hurt a fair bit more than it should have done. Not that he let it show, of course.   
"Cool." He chuckled.   
Blaine shook his head a little. "Uh, but it was mostly campus visits. Um, NYU, Columbia..." He shrugged, and Kurt tilted his head a little, his brows furrowed. A few days ago, Blaine was excited to audition for NYADA, he was practically already thinking he was WITHOUT A DOUBT in the school. 

He didn't want to disrespect Blaine or his choices, but he was very confused. Blaine had made him hopeful they would spend school time together again, he'd reassured him it would be just like at McKinley, except without the bullying and slushies and stuff. "Why? You're going to NYADA."  
"I-I need safety schools, Kurt." Blaine sighed with a shrug. "I haven't gotten in yet."  
Kurt was just as confused as before, shaking his head a little. Blaine had had the most confidence in himself for months now, sure he would get in. Besides, he was sure if he could get in, Blaine would have no problem in that department. "But you will, as soon as you audition. The way I've talked you up to Carmen Tibideaux, she's gonna offer you a spot on the spot." He explained. It was true, Blaine had worried Carmen wouldn't like him, though he didn't seem that fussed, since he heard about Kurt getting in with a song she didn't like, not realising how strict she actually was. She knows what she wants. And Kurt took it upon himself to talk his fiance up, once Blaine asked if it was possible to get a good word put in. Anything to help his soon-to-be husband. "Which reminds me, are you up for a little trial run?" He stood, smiling at Blaine as he took his hand and stood. "I don't want to send you into the lion's den under-rehearsed. Come on."

"Yes! Yes!" Sam grinned, egging them on.  
Blaine chuckled, objecting, but letting Kurt pull him along nevertheless. Kurt knew Blaine, and he knew he would never resist a solo.   
"Come on, don't worry. The piano awaits!" He giggled, nudging Blaine to the small piano at the side of the stage, while he walked to the microphone. "Uh, hello everyone! Welcome to the spotlight diner, and to a very special performance."  
Santana rolled her eyes, looking to Rachel. "Seriously? You all need to be stopped."  
"That's enough." Rachel chuckled, pointing her pastry claws at the girl and turning her attention back to the two boys on the stage.  
  
"Now, you may not know the name Blaine Anderson yet, but you will soon when it's lit up all over Broadway." Kurt smiled. He wanted Blaine to achieve all his goals after all. "Alright, ladies and gentlemen, Blaine Anderson!" He jumped off the stage, walking back over to where Sam was sat, the other boy patting him on the back with a smile.   
"Thank you, Kurt." Blaine smiled, tickling the ivories of the piano. "Thank you, everyone. Sing along if you know it." And as always, Blaine was amazing in his performance, earning applause from the crowd.   
Kurt stood, clapping loudly. "That was incredible! THere's no way you're not getting into NYADA! Then all our dreams will come true!" He chuckled, seeing Blaine smile. 

\------------

"No, Blaine, come on, you can't keep distracting me." Kurt laughed, pushing himself up and over to his hanging wardrobe. But Blaine followed him as he flitted through the clothes, placing more kisses to his neck. Kurt tilted his head back a little, missing being close to someone. But he knocked himself out of it, pushing himself through the clothes and hiding from the other boy. "I'm serious, Blaine. We need to find an outfit."  
"I'm sure it won't matter what I wear, Kurt." Blaine chuckled.   
Kurt rolled his eyes, pulling a shirt from the hanger and walking back to him. "Carmen Tibideaux is a classicist, so for your audition, let's try to avoid shocking patterns, and anything that says 'Look at me, I'm the centre of attention, and this primary colour proves it'." He joked, but Blaine shook his head a little, and a feeling of dread made a pool in Kurt's stomach. 

Kurt tried not to let his worry show, his voice dropping to monotone as he'd learned as a way to seem like he wasn't bothered by something. "Oh, no. You've got that look. That look I saw the night after Callbacks. If you cheated on me again, I will not accept sex addiction as an excuse." Humour as a coping mechanism. No wonder Santana had taken to calling him 'Chandler' after a recent Friends marathon.   
"I... don't want to audition for NYADA." Blaine shrugged a little, observing Kurt's confused look.   
"Well, you can't get in on reputation alone." Kurt reminded him, confused at to where this was coming from once again, but it was dawning on him just what his fiance was feeling. 

"No, NYADA is just a performing arts school - that's all you can study there. I have other passions, other... interests I might wanna explore in college."   
Kurt raised a brow. "For instance?" He wanted to see how far Blaine was willing to go before he admitted to simply not wanting to fail.   
"I don't know." Blaine looked up on the spot, and Kurt tried not to laugh. "You know how much I love kids, and I'd love to be a teacher like Mr. Shue. or..." He looked down for a moment, trailing off. But Kurt knew he was thinking about Finn. Kurt nodded a little, distracting himself as Blaine continued to talk. "Or premed or something.  
Well, that definitely worked to distract him, and he was finding it harder not to smile. "Of course." He nodded slowly, surprised Blaine was still keeping up the act. Did the younger boy think he couldn't be honest with him? "How could I forget the numerous conversations we've had about you wanting to be a doctor?"  
  
Blaine shook his head, still keeping the act going. "My passion for medicine has always been my secret shame." He told Kurt, who bit his lip as a small smile slipped through. God Blaine was a goofball. "My first guy crush was... George Clooney, AKA Dr. Ross, on ER. And it's no secret what my favourite Milton Bradley game is." He shrugged, and Kurt chuckled now, earning a halfhearted glare from his fiance. "It's a great relief to be able to tell you this now. I'm just glad I did it before my audition." He frowned seeing Kurt's expression. It was stuck on that 'I'm judging you so hard right now while trying not to laugh' and it wasn't something he'd seen since Rachel told them in Glee rehearsal that she wasn't joking when she told them she was psychic. "What?"  
Ok, enough was enough, if Blaine had to be nudged to be honest - especially after going this far - then Kurt would give him a shove into it. "We're getting married." He began, sitting on his bed and smoothing out invisible creases on his skinny jeans. "I know you, and I get it, and this is a sweet side of you that I don't get to see very often." He smiled, offering a shrug as Blaine sat next to him. "You're scared."

"Of what?" Blaine asked, almost disgusted by the idea. True, Blaine was dapper and charismatic, and everyone seemed to immediately love him, and Kurt didn't want him to be scared, but it was nice to see the more... human side of his boyfriend.   
"Look, when I first moved here, I-I honestly felt like I was crocodile Dundee. Right, the city is huge, the buildings are huge." He shrugged. "And everywhere you look, it's, like, there's all these beautiful people who seem to have just come from some secret meeting where they teach you how to make it in the big city." He chuckled a little. It was all true, except for the fact that he still felt that way. Not attractive enough, not successful enough. Just a nobody in a city that didn't care for him, trying to get by as his friends all booked their futures and he was left in their dust to look after them when they felt down, and be there for them when they needed him. Not that he minded helping them, they needed him after all. He didn't care what it meant to himself.   
  
"What if I don't get in?" Blaine asked, shaking his head. "You didn't."   
Kurt paused for a second. It still got to him that he hadn't gotten accepted his first time round, regardless of the fact everyone else thought he was over it now he was in. He felt as if he didn't belong. Everyone else had had an entire half year to meet friends and make groups, to get used to their classes, and there he was, just in every aspect of his life, sprinting to try and catch up. But there was no doubt in his mind that Blaine would get in. And he knew Blaine knew it too, he might not be admitting it to himself, but he knew. "You will." He nodded, smiling and squeezing Blaine's hand a little. "And if you don't, it won't matter. You're a performer; you're gonna find the spotlight. And you can't shy away from your greatness just because you're afraid you're noy great enough. You have a gift, and it wouldn't be right to let you hide that away."

Blaine smiled his usual, dazzling smile, and everything felt normal again. "Thanks for knowing me. I love you." He hugged Kurt to him, and Kurt smiled into his neck. "I love you too." And when Blaine pulled back, he rubbed a hand over his arm, to show him he would always be there when he needs him. He knew Blaine probably already knew, but he wanted to make sure. "And we're in this together. I can't stop you from failing, but... I can promise to make it safe if you do. And I think Santana should do your makeup."  
Blaine chuckled, before his smile dropped a little. He took Kurt's hand in his own, kissing his knuckles a little. "While we're having a heart to heart... do you mind if I ask you something?"  
  
Kurt nodded, a little weary as to what could have bought a serious conversation on. "Yeah... Sure..."  
"I kinda noticed you haven't really ate... much... while I've been here. Is something wrong?" Blaine asked, his puppy dog eyes searching Kurt's.  
He was taken back by the question in all honesty, it hadn't been what he was expecting. He paused, Blaine had never noticed that before. "Oh, nothing, nothing." He shook his head, plastering on a fake smile. "When I get stressed, I tend to-to restrict myself... sometimes a bit too much." He smiled a little, hoping Blaine would take it lighthearted as he tried to suggest in his tone. As if it was a silly thing.   
"Why are you stressed?" Blaine asked, raising a brow. 

"I don't know," He shrugged. "sometimes, it just happens. And it takes me a while to build up an appetite again. I'm fine."  
Blaine smiled, happy with the response. "Well, seen as you are there for me, I am there for you when you fall as well." Kurt nodded a little, not exactly sure what Blaine meant when he said he'd fallen, but he just took it as Blaine showing his best intentions. "I don't fully understand it all, cuz food's kinda awesome, especially in New York, but... I'm here. And I'll help you feel better so you don't worry about... food? I'm bad at this."  
Kurt chuckled. Ah yes, there was a reason he was the usual comforter in this relationship. "You're adorable." He pecked Blaine on the lips. "Now come on, we need to find a good outfit." He stood, picking up one of the shirts he'd picked out before. It was the one he'd lent Sebastian. He smiled a little, putting it back down and throwing the other one to Blaine. "Try that on."

\------------

"We don't have room for this." Santana groaned, looking in disgust at the new mini piano in the loft.   
Kurt rolled his eyes, looking over his shoulder at her. "Uh, yes, we do. Right there."  
"Ok, seriously, I'm not gonna be able to survive if you and your hag Berry are gonna be tickling those ivories, belting out gay hits from Rent and Showboat all day." Santana huffed, folding her arms.   
"It's a thank you, for allowing me and Sam to stay here." Blaine explained, smiling at Kurt.   
Kurt smiled back, he'd already said it was no problem, he wasn't going to kick them to the curb. 

"Hey, you guys, I have some bread right here if you want." Rachel smiled, walking over and placing the plate down on the table, trying to distract from the piano 'issue'.   
Sam shook his head, and Kurt felt even more worried for the boy. "No, can do, no, right now I'm just on this mentos and flavoured air diet."  
Rachel frowned. "Sam, that's ridiculous. You don't need to lose ten pounds."  
"Yeah, Sam, we all agree." Kurt told him, flashing a pointed look at him. "You don't need to be prison-camp skinny to be a model. I think you should find another agency."  
  
"No, House of Bitchette is, like, the best agency in town." Sam shook his head. "And you're one to talk..." He muttered, and Kurt raised a brow, not knowing what to say.   
Blaine patted his shoulder, smiling at everyone. "You know what I think? I think that this argument would be best made in song."  
"Yes!" Rachel grinned.   
"Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Do you see this?" Santana asked Kurt and Sam, and Kurt simply shrugged at her while Sam laughed. "This is what's going to happen from every argument or discussion or meal from now on. It's gonna end in a freaking sing-along. It's bad enough we need to be singing waiters, ok? I can't have this in my home. I need my peaceful place."  
Blaine chuckled. "You don't have to sing, Santana."

"But I dare you not to~" Kurt smirked, beginning to sing 'Just the Way You Are' and Santana left the room. He also smiled when she came back as he knew she would, singing into a hairbrush as if it was a microphone. It reminded him of when they were on the Cheerios, and him, her and Brittany, and sometimes Quinn, would wonder off somewhere and have a sing-along. It was fun, and simpler times definitely. But right now? Things actually felt alright for once. Besides Blaine asking him about the food issue, and Sam commenting on the way he looked - did the boy find him fat too? Was that what he was saying...? - he felt more relaxed than usual with this group here. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, we'll get angsty again soon~


	30. Puppet Master

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while... I has commissions, I quit my main job, I've started doing livestreams (https://twitch.tv/imthederpyfoxexza) and trying to upload more on youtube, including travelling a lot for said videos, I is busy and anxious and confused, but somewhat relieved. 
> 
> Long story, have some Glee!

Today was one of those days, where focus wasn't a thing. Kurt had pushed himself as hard as he could, but he felt sluggish, dizzy and unfocused.   
He tried to push on as much as he could, tried to force himself to pay attention and not let anyone notice that he was having an off day, but he stumbled more than a few times, and struggled to catch his breath the rest, not able to keep up with the other students.   
  
He shoved his stuff into his satchel with shaky hands when the class was over, just wanting to go back to the loft. He could feel a breakdown coming, because if there was one thing Kurt hated, it was not having control.   
Cassie watched him closely as he walked to the door. "Feeling ok, Kurt?" She asked, raising a brow.   
He nodded a little, gripping his bag strap. He knew she didn't believe him, but she didn't push the matter. Not that he gave her a chance, as he quickly left the dance studio. 

\------------

His shift at the tattoo parlour had been relaxing and fun. He'd been learning to use the gun, and soon he'd be able to actually practice on people, instead of the prosthetic meat. He'd been told he had a steady hand for it, an eye for detail etc. etc.   
Today, he just wanted to sit behind the desk and look over the books, because it had been a long day. So that's what he was allowed to do. He answered the phones, booked appointments, greeted customers and checked their details. A few guys had winked at him, and thanked him, touching him a bit too long before they walked past, but he thought nothing of it. He made sure to dress the part when at work here, nothing over the top, but sometimes a little guyliner, or a choker, or other such accessories. 

And he jumped when someone seemed to recognise him, it took him a moment, but he realised he remembered the guy from Callbacks. He smiled, greeting him, asking for his appointment details.   
He'd refused to let anyone other than Kurt give him his eyebrow piercing, and Pascal agreed, since Kurt had finished his piercing training a few days beforehand.   
Kurt didn't exactly want to do it, with his hands shaking so much, but he was glad he had.

\------------

He rushed into the loft, letting out a sigh of relief that the two girls were there, along with Danny and Elliot. "Oh, good. We're all here." He skipped over, trying not to be too excited over this opportunity. "Thank you, Team Pamela Lansbury, for assembling on such short notice." He smiled at the group, throwing his jacket down to one side.   
"Okay, well, I rescheduled my dialect session, so what's up with this emergency text?" Rachel asked, folding her arms. He knew she was busy with rehearsals for Funny Girl, but this was good news that he wanted to share.   
  
He huffed, folding his arms. "What's up is I just booked our band's debut gig!"  
"Amazing!" Danny grinned. "Where? When?"  
"This Thursday, 7:30 p.m., at the Greenwich Village hot-spot... Callbacks!"  
Some of the group clapped, others looked confused. "Ooh, NYADA's premier piano bar." Rachel smiled, but Santana and Elliot seemed less enthused.   
  
"Hold on, isn't that a Broadway hangout?" Elliot asked, and Kurt nodded a little.   
"Well, traditionally, but I talked to the manager, and he says that Thursdays are kind of their dead nights." He explained, and the group looked unsure at that. He quickly tried to backtrack. "So we can go in and do whatever we want..."  
Santana shook her head. "No way, we cannot debut there. That is instant career suicide."  
"Yeah, Kurt, look, not to overstep," Elliot stood up, shrugging a little. "but I-I follow a lot of bands just starting out, and it's kind of all about the launch. You know, getting music critics out to see you, and that's a lot easier with the right venue."

Kurt sighed. "Oh, come on, Callbacks is a real funky place. You know, they've got tons of history-"  
"Yeah, but I can't think of a single band that started out there." Danny shrugged. "I mean, it's not like The Bitter End or the Mercury Lounge, or... Yeah, and if people associate that place with show tunes, nobody's gonna come out for..." Dani motioned to Kurt, still unsure what they were doing.   
Kurt folded his arms. "Our covers of Madonna's greatest hits? I disagree, Dani."   
Dani frowned at him, and Santana stood, folding her arms. "Oh, so we're back to the whole Madonna thing?"

"Yes, it was my first impulse." Kurt shrugged a little, feeling sort of attacked by the group. "Okay, look, guys, I know it's untraditional, but you have to trust me... I was there at Callbacks. I saw it all, a vision of perfect clarity. Every seat was occupied. A quiet hush fell over the expectant crowd, as Pamela Lansbury made their way to the stage, and the opening notes of Madonna's 1985 single hit 'Into the Groove' begin." He shrugged, sighing when the others still looked unsure. He shook his head, throwing his arms out to the side in exasperation. "At least think about it..." He muttered, heading into his room and pulling the curtain across, ignoring Rachel calling out after him. Once he'd gotten changed, he walked back into the main area, asking what everyone was thinking before his phone began ringing. "Oh, it's my fiancé... Talk amongst yourselves." He shrugged, answering the phone and walking into the kitchen area so he could hear Blaine properly. 

"Hello?"  
"Oh, can I just say Glee Club sucks!" Blaine's annoyed voice came, and Kurt bit his lip, trying not to laugh at how melodramatic his fiance was, and that was coming from him. "Mr. Shue asked for ideas for nationals. And when I gave some genius ones, everyone got all mad and started dissing me... Maybe I came on too strong. But since when is that a bad thing?"   
Kurt chuckled. "It's not, but you got to remember, at McKinley; everyone has an equal vote." He shrugged, hearing Blaine sigh. "And if you come on too aggressively, they might think you're a control-freak or a puppet master." He laughed at Blaine's indignant huff. "Anyway... I was gonna call you. Pamela Lansbury booked its first gig! And I know you were just here, but I was hoping you could come cheer us on in the audience?" He returned to being excited now, knowing he could convince the others to perform with him. "So, what do you say... can I send you the deets? And a JetBlue voucher?"

"Uh, of course, I wouldn't miss it." Blaine told him, and Kurt could tell he was smiling. He grinned, though Blaine still sounded distracted. "Wow, I can't believe anyone would see me as controlling."  
Kurt giggled. "Ok, honey."  
"I love you."   
"Love you, too." Kurt smiled, hanging up and heading back to the group. 

\------------

Seen as it was nearing Christmas, Vogue was in a lull of shifts again, so Kurt found himself working more at the tattoo parlour while that was happening. Isabelle had made him promise to come to the work Christmas party as well, and to keep her updated on his engagement and wedding plans.   
"I'm here for my tattoo appointment." A guy's voice brought him out of his thoughts of what to get his friends for Christmas, and he looked up to the handsome guy in front of the desk. "Those clothes suit you." He smirked, and Kurt turned his attention to the screen and away from the guy.   
  
"Is it Tony?" He asked, looking through the systems and only finding one appointment for this time, the night had been pretty slow after all.   
The guy grinned. "That's me. But you interrupted my pick-up line." He chuckled.   
Kurt nodded a little. "Sorry to disappoint..." He raised his hand, showing his ring.   
"Shame, you change your mind, I'll be in there a while. Might need help wrapping it up~" The guys winked, walking off with Pascal as he came out to get him. 

Kurt just tried to ignore it, turning his attention back to the magazine he'd been looking through for present ideas. Safe to say, he hadn't been expecting that while on this quiet night manning the desk. 

\------------

"It feels like forever since we talked." Kurt shook his head, getting changed as he held the phone to his ear.   
Sebastian chuckled. "I know, princess, almost forget the sound of your shrill voice~"   
Kurt laughed, shaking his head. "Whatever, Seb. I'm sorry though, I meant to phone before now, it's just been hectic recently, and I've been busy as hell with Vogue, the diner, the tattoo parlour and NYADA-"  
"I understand, Hummel, wait, what tattoo parlour?" Sebastian asked, thoroughly confused. "You're working at a tattoo parlour?! Wait... does that mean you got a tattoo? Can I see? This is all too much information..."  
  
Kurt laughed laying down on his bed. "I guess it has been a while... and yes, I got one~ I'll send you a picture." He chuckled, pulling his phone away and sending the picture of his shoulder tattoo, knowing he'd have to explain it to the other boy.   
"It's got Bett Midler?" Sebastian laughed. "Oh my god, that's amazing. How on earth did THAT happen?"  
Kurt began explaining and Sebastian listened intently, honestly he could fall asleep listening to the other boy talk and tell him stories. "So, that's how I ended up with this tattoo, and a job at said tattoo parlour." He chuckled. 

"As amazing as that story is, princess, can you really handle another job? That's what? Three jobs now? Plus NYADA constantly? You're gonna burn yourself out." Sebastian worried, he tried to sound nonchalant and calm, but he was - as always - worried for the other boy, especially in terms of him wearing himself out. He was already juggling too much before this new job after all.   
"I can handle it." Kurt smiled with a shrug. "So, tell me about Warbler's practice? I'm sure you guys have some fun crimbo performances planned?"  
Sebastian chuckled. "Unfortunately. Though, thankfully, most of them go home next week, so it's not too much over-the-top Christmas carolling." Kurt could hear the eye-roll. "Then, I have a week to myself, spending Christmas in my dorm room, with some movies and popcorn."

Kurt sighed. "I still don't approve of the way you spend your Christmas', Seb." He chuckled. "But I guess I can't stop you."  
"Well, what about you? What are your amazing crimbo plans?"   
"Well... actually this year, they're quite similar to yours." Kurt shrugged. "I'm seeing my dad in a few days, because he's going with Carole and Finn to some of Carole's relatives. Rachel's going to visit her dads, and it's her first Christmas without Finn... so, I think she just needs to be with her family for now. And Santana said something about going to the Bahamas with her Mom and Dad." He shrugged again. "So, I'm just going to chill here in New York, cuddle up with some Doctor Who and some books, etc." 

"Sounds like you're going to have as much fun as me, princess." Sebastian grinned.   
"Sounds like it."

\------------

"You're late, Kurt." Cassie reminded him as he ran into the room and put his bag down to one side. He'd had to go drop off a file at Vogue before his class, and he hadn't given himself enough time, especially since the subway was late.   
"Sorry..." He told her, joining the group and quickly trying to get up to speed. 

\------------

"Hi. Hey. Did you get your ticket that I reserved for you, house-left?" Kurt asked, attempting to relieve himself of his anxiety by phoning his fiance, who he'd already expected to be there.   
Blaine sighed, sounding down about something, and the other boy froze, oh god he better not have done anything bad again. "Kurt, I was gonna call you... Um, please don't be mad, but... I'm not in New York, I'm in Lima."  
"A-Are you kidding? What happened? Did you miss your flight?" Kurt asked, more anxiety settling in as he realised Blaine might be in trouble. "A-Are you okay?"  
"I-I'm fine. I'm just, um... I'm just trying to explain..."  
  
Kurt frowned, confused now. "Yes, why don't you explain... and it better be a good explanation." He was used to Blaine missing things like this, but a warning more than ten minutes before the performance would have been good. The other boy could have just explained before now, instead of waiting for Kurt to phone him.   
"Well, Principal Sylvester gave me detention, and she said if I tried to skip it that she was gonna suspend me and put it on my permanent record-"  
"Hang on." Kurt took a deep breath. "Whoa, whoa, wait one second. And you weren't going to call me?"  
  
Blaine paused for a second. "I-I was trying my best not to hurt you... All I did was steal back the Kurt puppet-"  
"Excuse me?"  
"-that I made in crafts class..." Blaine explained, trying not to give Kurt a moment to speak.   
Kurt raised a brow. "The-the what puppet? What the hell are you talking about?"  
"Uh, I-I know, it's, uh, it's kind of... a weird story." Blaine sighed again. "But basically, I was missing you."  
  
Kurt felt a million questions flow through his mind. He knew Blaine liked to be in charge, and he usually let him get away with it, but making a puppet of him? Something he could control and manipulate while Kurt wasn't there to do that to himself? Because Kurt wasn't by his side and following everything he said and just agreeing with everything. "And is that how you see me?" He couldn't help but ask, but it was out there now. First of all, his fiance had planned to not turn up, and not phone in advance to explain, letting Kurt perform without his fiance - who he thought was going to be there - wasn't going to be there. Then, Blaine had made a puppet of him to control... It didn't sit right with him. "As a thing of felt and cloth and button eyes that has no feelings, that you can play with and manipulate and then discard whenever you're bored?"

"Oh, no!" Blaine tried to argue, but Kurt didn't want to listen to this, shaking his head as his emotions took over.   
"I'm a person, Blaine." He told him bluntly, clenching his jaw. "I am flesh and blood and bone, and this is a really big night for me, and I needed you to be here." He quickly hung up before he could start crying.   
"Kurt..." He heard, before he put his phone back into his pocket. He heard someone come into the room behind him, and he quickly wiped his eyes, turning to see Santana and Rachel. "Hey. We can release Blaine's seat." He shrugged, and the girls shared a glance.   
  
"I don't think that's gonna be necessary." Rachel told him gently, but he walked over to the curtain where they'd come from, seeing the 'crowd'. All one person that crowd consisted of.   
"One person?" He deflated, forcing down his tears of disappointment. He should have known, this would be exactly how this would turn out. No fiance here, no crowd, and his band going down in flames before it had even began.  
Santana shrugged. "And he thinks Angela Lansbury's performing." She patted him on the shoulder as he took a deep breath. "I told you so. Let's just go home and watch some TV."  
  
Kurt shook his head. "No. No, get ready. That guy paid to see us, and he's gonna see us." He told them, before heading to the bathroom to prepare himself for the performance. He might have failed, but at least he could go down gracefully. He'd just have to push himself harder in all other aspects and make sure he improved and forced himself to try better. 

\------------

"One, two, three, four, come on people, these are basics!" Cassie called out at the class, tapping the staff she carried on the floor along with her counting.   
Kurt pushed himself harder, forcing his body to continue, despite it screaming that he wanted to stop. He was just tired, but he would get nowhere if his body kept on failing him. He needed to focus, to get his head in the game and to stop letting himself get in the way.   
"Better, again, one, two, three, four." Cassie continued shouting, walking among her students as they continued dancing.   
He shook his head, trying to ignore the room spinning around him, continuing to dance the steps his tutor wanted them to. He couldn't fall behind in this class, in any class. He needed this.   
  
"Kurt!" He heard, somewhere in the distance, but his vision was black, and he felt pain in his knees as something hard hit his side. He couldn't force himself up, and everything shut out as he collapsed, falling unconscious. 

\------------

"Look, I know we don't know why Kurt called this meeting." Rachel's voice came from inside. Kurt stopped to listen. Cassie had dismissed the class, getting one of the other lads to get the paramedic. He's been told to rest up, to get himself something to eat to bring his blood pressure up, and to hydrate, because he was almost severely dehydrated. Cassie had been more worried than he'd ever seen her look, but with the paramedics reassurance, he'd been allowed to go. He'd just have to be more careful in the future. "It's probably to retire the band, but we can't rub it in and say, 'I told you so'."  
"That would be devastating." Dani shook her head.   
"Well, I wouldn't do that, and I'm not gonna let Kurt disband Pamela Lansbury." Santana told the others. "Look, I might not agree with all of his decisions, but he is our leader and he's an artist, and artists should be allowed to fail."  
  
Kurt smiled a little, pushing his way into the loft. "Who says we failed? Cronuts, anyone?"  
"Hi..." Rachel told him, her prize pitying voice.  
"Oh, this? No big deal." He shrugged. "Just a little token from the booking agency of the Williamsburg Music Hall, which is the location of our second gig!"   
The others all looked shocked and excited. "What? Are you serious?" Elliot asked.   
"How?" Santana added, not knowing whether to believe him or not.   
  
Kurt shrugged. "Okay, true, we only had one audience member at our last show, but it happened to be the right audience member because, not only was he a devoted Angela Lansbury fan, but he also liked what he saw, made a secret bootleg and passed it along to his nephew, who works at...   
"the Williamsburg Music Hall." They all chorused.   
"-which also just happens to be...?" He looked to the group.   
  
"One of the hottest venues in Brooklyn!" Dani grinned, high-fiving him.   
Santana did the same. "Good work, fearless leader."  
Kurt shook his head with a shrug. "Well, it wasn't just me. It was... also a lot of luck and-and you guys. Because, you know, whether Pamela Lansbury implodes or explodes, I really have to thank you guys for sticking by me." He grinned, accepting hugs.   
  
"Uh, package for Kurt Hummel?" Someone called from the still-open doorway, and he turned to see the massive box.   
"Okay? Thank you. Thank you..." He wondered over as the man left, and the others joined him. "Oh, it's from Blaine. He sends a gift; 'to say sorry for missing the performance the other night'." He smiled a little, knowing he couldn't stay mad at Blaine.   
"That's so nice!" Rachel grinned, opening the box and pulling out what was inside.   
"Okay, that is creepy as hell." Kurt frowned, seeing the puppets in the box. "Is there one for each of us?"

\------------

"Hi, Carole, what a surprise, is everything ok? Oh, god is Dad ok?" He asked, perching on his bed and talking to his step-mom through the phone.   
Carole chuckled. "Everything's fine, Kurt. I was just wondering, and I know you were just here, but if I could fly you home soon?"  
He was confused to say the least. "I-I... are you sure you're ok? And dad's ok?"  
She laughed a little now. "I don't want to worry you, so... Kurt, I'm pregnant."  
The boy froze, unsure what to say. "Are you serious?! Wh-how?"  
  
"Well, we thought we couldn't, because, let's face it we're not exactly young and spry anymore, but... turns out we could." She chuckled. "Anyway, your dad's got some business out of town this weekend before he's coming to see you before Christmas, and I have my twelve-week, which I would really love for you to come with me to?"  
"Of course I will!" Kurt grinned, not knowing what else to do really, but of course he'd be there for Carole.   
"Thank you, Kurt." Carole was obviously smiling. "We would have told you sooner, but with older pregnancies and everything, there's more chance to lose the baby-"  
  
"Don't apologise, Carole, I understand." He smiled. "Just message me the details and the ticket and I'll come back as soon as possible, ok?"  
Carole let out a sigh of relief. "Of course, sweetie. You don't have classes this weekend?"  
"Nope, we're split up for Christmas break after tomorrow, and Vogue doesn't need me for a while." He explained. "So as soon as I'm done with my last classes tomorrow, I can head to you."  
"Sounds good, honey. Look after yourself and the girls until this weekend, ok?"   
Kurt nodded. "You too!"  
  
They said their goodbyes, and he rushed into the loft to tell everyone the good news.   
Santana and Rachel looked confused, not used to seeing Kurt this excited anymore as he jumped on the spot. "Spit it out, Lady Hummel!" Santana warned him, and he grinned.   
"Guess I'm gonna be a big brother." He smiled, and the other two looked confused but happy. He'd always wanted to be a big brother, to help look after someone younger than him and be a good older brother to them. But it did bring into question everything from the past year and a half. He'd been lying to people. He needed to make some changes, that was for sure. 

His reflection was only getting worse, he looked unhealthy, and if he wanted to be there to see his newest family member, he'd need to make sure he was healthy enough to be there for his family. So, he resigned himself to continuing his exercising, to making himself healthy and slim. He would work on himself until he saw a healthy boy looking back at him in the mirror, and then make sure he stayed like that. He wasn't a quitter after all, and if his recent fatigue had done anything, it showed him how much harder he needed to work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note to say, I still can't believe what's happened, I want to be respectful to Naya, and I will say rest in peace, and I hope not to do anything in any of my stories that put her in bad light, regardless of whether or not I liked Santana, Naya seemed a lovely woman, a great mother, and a wonderful person. Rest in peace Naya Rivera.
> 
> \- I took a couple weeks off from writing this story, not for any particular reason, other than stress and stuff, but I'm back, just adding a quick note here to say sorry, I've had the next episode plot lined out for ages, just haven't worked on it properly. But, have some more glee~


	31. Heart Attack (Part One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, this part will be completely, 100%, non-cannon, since I used both Christmas episodes for the last Christmas part. 
> 
> It's gonna be different, but I've had this planned for SO LONG, that I can't believe we're finally here.
> 
> So, I hope you enjoy, and the angst in this one is gonna be real.
> 
> I'm splitting it up into parts as well, for maximum tension, so don't be alarmed that this chapter is so short!

It was going to be the first Christmas Kurt would spend on his own.  
Rachel was back in Ohio with her dads, Santana was on holiday with her parents, and Blaine was with his mom as well. He didn't mind in all honesty, he had free roam of the loft to do whatever he wanted, classes were over for a while - though he still had course work, but it wasn't a lot and could be done in a few hours - Vogue had given him the week off for the holidays, the tattoo parlour was closed, as was the diner... and he was finding himself restless, not having much he could do. 

He couldn't even distract himself as usual by cooking the Christmas meal for everyone, since nobody was here to eat it. He had exchanged gifts with his dad when he'd seen him the previous week, since Carole and him were going to visit her family this year, and he didn't really want to disturb whatever plans Danni and Elliot might have. He didn't even know if Adam had gone back to England as planned, but he didn't want to message out of sheer decency, and a little guilt despite the other boy saying it was ok. 

Yes, it would be a lonely Christmas. But, he was sure he could find SOMETHING to do over the week of solitude before Rachel returned.   
He'd Skyped with Niff, having an hour long catch up and a promise to all meet up again soon, and he text Sebastian a lot of the time because he knew the other boy was on his own as well. Exercise had kept him somewhat busy, he supposed, but there was only so much he could do with that, and people looked at him as if he were crazy for jogging/running in the cold weather. It didn't bother him running in the brisk air, it helped him wake up and distract from the cold-turned-cough he was still trying to shake. 

So, currently, he was curled up on the sofa, with a cup of coffee, watching old YouTube performances of the New Directions on the TV, with his newest book collection on the table, the first in the series in hand about half way through. He had missed reading this much, it helped him get his thoughts in order, and he was - admittedly - honestly feeling better after relaxing for a short while on his own, without his thoughts screaming at him. Watching their old performances was great as well, because those people were his family, and he couldn't help but smile seeing them all enjoying themselves so much; even himself. Though it did set off the feeling of want and of sad, hazy nostalgia. If only he had stayed that bright-eyed, smiley, optimistic boy, what could he have achieved by now? 

A knock on the door brought him out of his reading session, and he threw his blanket off, heading over to the sliding door and pulling it across. Their downstairs neighbour - the one who often asked to borrow Kurt's weird and wonderful hats - smiled, holding a small package.   
"Good evening, Kurt." He greeted, and Kurt smiled in response. "I've been baking a lot for Christmas - relatives coming over in a few days - so I thought I'd bring you and the girls a Christmas cake."  
"Oh! Thank you," Kurt accepted the nicely wrapped cake. "Can I get you a cup of coffee?"  
The other man smiled. "Sure! Do you have decaf?"  
"It's all Rachel drinks." Kurt chuckled, leading him into the kitchen. 

"Rachel's not home?" He asked, watching Kurt boil the kettle.   
Kurt shook his head. "She's back in Ohio for Christmas."  
"You're all alone for the holidays?" A quirk of the brow, and Kurt shrugged in response, handing him the coffee. They both sat down at the table. "Well, you're welcome to come down to me and spend the day with us if you get lonely." 

Kurt smiled. "That's a really nice offer, but I think I'll be fine. Just going to do some college work, clean up, maybe read some books."   
The other man nodded. "Well, you know where I am if you change your mind. I'll bring you some cookies round, how about that?"  
"Sounds good." Kurt chuckled.

\------------

Kurt was determined to spend a day relaxing. He'd tried to relax every other day, but today was Christmas, and he figured he should try to chill out and ignore the world and his worries, and spend some quality time relaxing. His school work was done, he'd phoned his dad and talked to him, he'd tried to phone Blaine but the other boy must have been busy with his mother, because he wasn't replying or picking up. So he'd resided himself to leaving him alone, he'd phone back when he had time after all. 

He'd had a nice, warm shower. He'd gotten dressed in his comfy lounge clothes, he'd had a coffee, watched some TV - Monty Python, Holy Grail (his personal favourite) - and had gotten to the third book in the series, when his phone started ringing from his bedroom. He got up, heading in and grabbing the phone, turning to head back into the lounge and have the phone call, when he stopped. He stared forward, gripping the curtain to his room as his phone dropped from his hand, shattering on the floor as it landed. And everything went dark.


	32. Heart Attack (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part Two! I hope I didn't leave people waiting too long!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's took so long! :( I don't really have many excuses other than mental exhaustion and lack of productive artistic brain functions. Plus too much work and stuff. Either way, I hope those of you who are still here and following this series enjoy! I don't know if this part will be as good as the rest purely because it's a full non-cannon part?
> 
> Also read the next chapter for explanations on timeline because I really fucked up because series 5 was a weird one haha

"Hey, Kurt, merry Christmas! Sorry to come in but the door was open, thought I'd bring you some food!- Kurt...? Kurt?!"  
  
Sirens.

Everything was foggy.

Pain, make it stop. Please. 

Someone was moving him, he tried to open his eyes. It hurt, he didn't want to wake up. 

He could feel the darkness enveloping him, and let himself drift off, feeling the pain subside. Finally...

\------------

It was the most painful thing he'd ever felt. A constricting, crushing feeling, dragging all air from his lungs and gripping his chest, his lungs. It almost burnt, fire radiating through his body. It was something he never thought he'd have to go through, but he had now, and he hoped never to again.   
Nothing could compare to the feeling of his heart stopping, of his body giving up and not being able to even keep himself standing or breathing. The helpless feeling that filled him and the fear. The fear that he'd never see his family again. That nobody would find him, that he'd disappoint everyone, that they'd all know what he'd been doing to himself over the past few years. That he'd never be able to meet his new sibling, or hold Blaine's hand one more time, or sing a song with his friends. 

Kurt Hummel wasn't afraid to die. He was afraid of what happened after.   
  
He didn't want to disappoint people. 

\------------

"Thank you..." Kurt muttered, tentatively walking into the loft, looking at his home and avoiding looking at the boy behind him.   
"No problem," Grant - his downstairs neighbour - responded. "I didn't mind picking you up from the hospital, anyone would have done it."  
Kurt nodded a little, feeling awkward because somebody knew. He didn't know everything, in fact he hardly knew anything, but he knew enough. The countertenor didn't really know what to say, but he didn't have to think for too long, because Grant was talking again. He seemed angry, uncomfortable, like he needed to get something off his chest.   
  
"Are you feeling any better?"  
Kurt paused for a second, nodding a little. In all honesty he felt as if he'd been in a tumble-dryer full of nails, but at least he wasn't on the immediate brink of death anymore. "A bit... Um, I'm sorry about your family, I know you wanted to enjoy your Christmas-"  
Grant shook his head. "I'm glad I came round, who knows what would have happened if..." He trailed off, shaking his head a little. "I feel bad, you had to spend Christmas in the hospital all alone." They hadn't let him in, since he wasn't family. "Have you contacted anyone?"

Kurt fiddled with his sleeves, shaking his head slightly. He felt exhausted, he needed to sleep for a week. He felt so small and his body ached all over. He had a tight wrap around his kneecap where he'd fallen and a matching one around his wrist which could come off in a few hours according to the doctors. Thankfully he got stuck with a doctor who was ignorant to the marks littering his skin, so he hadn't been ratted out for his coping mechanisms. "I don't want to ruin peoples' holidays, I'm ok so-"   
"Kurt, enough bullshit." Grant interrupted, his face stern and angry. "Do you really think you can lie to me?"

Kurt blanched, unsure what to say. "I don't know what you're talking about-"  
"Seriously?! Dude, you just had a fucking heart attack! You're nineteen for god's sake!" He snapped. "Look at yourself! Don't you see what you're doing?!"  
He didn't know what to say, he simply stared at his neighbour, wanting to argue, wanting to fight the accusations, but he was so tired, and he didn't have the mental capacity to deal with this right now.   
"You just spent Christmas in the hospital, Kurt. Alone. You almost DIED." Grant told him fiercely. "Do you understand that?! Do you even realise why?"  
  
Kurt swallowed thickly. "I'm FINE." He grit his teeth, his resolve crumbling.   
"What happened to you, Kurt? What made you do this to yourself?" Grant asked, looking so confused and upset.   
"Nothing... I'm ok, I'm fine-"  
"YOU'RE FUCKING KILLING YOURSELF!" 

There was a moments silence, and Kurt felt himself shaking, his wanted to kick Grant out of his flat, tell him he was fine, tell him to go away. But before he knew it, for the first time in just under a year, he broke. His walls crumbled and fell, shattering the mask he had held up and onto for SO. LONG. His eyes filled with tears and a lump formed in his throat. But he couldn't stop it, before he knew it he was crying, "I don't know what to do..." he sobbed, and Grant's expression softened.  
His neighbour sighed, stepping over to the other boy and showing he was going to hug him - giving Kurt chance to pull away if he wanted - when Kurt didn't argue, he wrapped his arms around the other boy. "Ok, it's alright, Kurt. You probably shouldn't be stressing right now, not when you've just gotten out of the hospital."  
  
It hurt to cry, his chest was still in pain and the jostle of crying only stung more.   
Grant pulled back after a moment and Kurt refused to look at him. "You need help, Kurt..."  
Kurt looked to the floor, wrapping his arms around himself. "Thank you for helping me... but can you go now, please? I just want to rest..."  
Grant looked reluctant, but nodded. "Ok, here, I wrote down my number. If you need to talk or hang out or just need an emergency contact, text me, ok?"  
The other boy nodded a little, accepting the piece of paper from him. "Thank you..." He whispered.   
And his neighbour turned and left, closing the door. 

\-----------

Trying to take a nap on the sofa was turning out to be difficult, when all Kurt could think about was the fact he'd just had a fucking heart attack. He'd had to spend two days in the hospital, earning pitying looks from the nurses and doctors and other patients who had family surrounding their beds. He'd spent two days alone in the hospital, trying to feel normal again. Even with the drugs to ease the pain, he could still feel it. He felt like crap, and he spent most of his time wondering when it would end.   
He'd honestly thought he was going to die, but here he was. Laying in a hospital bed with wires sticking out of him and the annoying, constant beep of the heart monitor next to him. Some of the nurses seemed concerned that he had had a heart attack so young, that he basically refused to talk to any of them - other than thanking them every so often -, that he was so close to passing out every second. 

His family didn't even know that he'd been in hospital.  
His fiancé, his friends, his tutors. Nobody. 

And he wouldn't tell them. He wasn't about to ruin peoples Christmas, and besides, he was home now. He was fine now, and there was no reason to worry people over something that had happened and was now in the past. Soon enough he'd be back to normal, the pain would subside and he could continue on as if nothing in the world was bothering him.   
He recalled only bits of what the doctors had told him about the cause of his heart attack. Something to do with lack of nutrients and low blood pressure/sugar, etc. etc. He knew he should probably listen to them, but doctors always lied. Besides, he couldn't bring himself to believe a word they were saying. When he looked in the mirror, or stepped on the scales, it just reminded him of the truth. He didn't need people lying to him, he knew what was real. He didn't know the cause of his heart attack, but it couldn't be his weight, not in the way the doctors had told him in any case. 

A knock on the door threw him back to reality and he sighed, hoping it wasn't Grant again, though he didn't know who else it could be.   
Not wanting to get up - and somewhat feeling like he couldn't move without hurting himself too much - he called out; "Come in!" He could hear how raspy his own voice was, but he ignored it, he'd just had a heart attack, a slight rasp to his voice for a short while wouldn't hurt him, besides, he had a feeling if he even tried to sing at the moment his chest would protest. He did push himself up into sitting even if he didn't force himself to stand, and he watched as the door slid open.   
"Blaine?!" He asked, shocked, not having expected the surprise from his fiancé.

He saw Blaine grin, closing the door behind him before he headed over to Kurt and placed a bouquet of flowers on the coffee table before he hugged and kissed Kurt. Kurt couldn't help but smile, he'd missed everyone recently, and his brush with death had reminded him of how much he loved everyone, and didn't want to hurt them. "What are you doing here?"  
"I felt bad you were spending Christmas alone, so, I escaped as soon as I could and got a flight." Blaine grinned, sitting down next to him and taking his jacket off. "What have you been up to?"  
Kurt shrugged a little, offering a tiny smile. "You know, relaxing... watching films, practicing for returning to NYADA, along with holiday coursework."  
  
Blaine nodded, smiling. "Sounds fun, bet you wouldn't mind some company, though?"  
Kurt felt his smile grow, falling back into the familiarity of his fiancé. "That's so sweet, of course!" He placed a kiss to Blaine's lips and grinned. "Did you have anything in mind?" He wasn't about to admit that he still felt like absolute crap still, he didn't exactly feel like he was ready to head back out into the world outside the loft, and he wanted nothing more than to sleep, but he couldn't let Blaine know that. 

"I was thinking hot chocolate and maybe ice skating like winter Christmas and then come back here, order in and watch some movies while snuggling on the sofa," Blaine suggested with such tenderness in his voice that Kurt melted a little.   
He knew he didn't want to leave the house, in fact he wasn't sure if he even COULD, but that sounded like an amazing night and he'd missed Blaine. "That sounds really nice," he admitted. "how long are you here for?"  
"Just today, my flight's late morning tomorrow, can't really escape school at the moment, with it being the last couple months." Blaine explained, and Kurt nodded, understanding how difficult senior year could be. 

\------------

It was an amazing night, lovely and warm, ice skating in the warmth was strange, but fun. He didn't go as fast as usual, or do any tricks or anything, more meandered around with his fiancé. Blaine didn't say anything, Kurt assumed he was just happy to be around him while he was here.   
The hot chocolate was nice, but he had had to let it cool because the first warm gulp had burnt his chest something chronic. And afterwards they headed back to the loft, softly chatting and giggling as they sat on the train. It felt like when they were at Dolton, and Kurt had missed feeling like this when he was with Blaine, it gave him some hope for the future of being married to him. 

They ordered pizza - which he didn't eat any of, but Blaine didn't notice - and watched Moulin Rouge! before Blaine fell asleep.   
Kurt had smiled, grabbed the blanket from the back of the sofa and wrapped it around them both, unable to sleep despite feeling exhausted. He sat there until the sun rose, softly stroking his fiancés hair back and watching him sleep. He couldn't help but smile softly watching him. Blaine had decided to give him a chance, another chance, and he wouldn't waste it this time. 

\------------

Blaine had woken mid-morning, greeting Kurt with a deep kiss which soon escalated. Kurt had excused himself to the bathroom, using his cover-up and spending a moment staring at himself in the mirror. He looked exhausted, deep, black bags under his eyes, which were foggy and red, his hair was a mess and he looked as if he'd be sick any second. But Blaine hadn't seemed to notice, so he quickly applied cover-up under his eyes as well and headed back up to make his fiancé happy. 

It was hard to say goodbye to Blaine, but soon enough the other boy was in a taxi and heading back to the airport, leaving Kurt at the loft alone once again. 

He spent a couple of days relaxing, reading, watching movies, mostly just attempting to sleep though it still eluded him. He wasn't sure the last time he'd slept - without being passed out from the heart attack - and he was started to grow restless and angry at himself for not being able to nod off at all.   
Grant had popped round to give Kurt some cookies, and Kurt had thanked him. The other boy seemed to be ok with him again, and Kurt was relieved to say the least, and he'd offered him a coffee. They sat talking about college while they sipped their coffees, and Grant head off not long later, telling Kurt to look after himself. 

Another afternoon of reading and hoping it would send him to sleep, and he was thinking about taking some of Santana's sleeping pills, when a knock came from the door. Another guest? Maybe Grant had forgotten something? He had just gotten comfy, and he still wasn't feeling himself yet, so he called out once again for whoever was there to come in, placing his book down.   
A familiar face opened and closed the loft door, dropping a small bag on the floor and smiling at the boy who sat on the sofa. "You look like shit, Hummel."   
Kurt rolled his eyes, forcing himself to stand. "Shut up and come give me a hug, Smythe."  
Sebastian grinned and walked over, wrapping his arms around the other boy, who chuckled and hugged him back. 

"To what do I owe this visit?" Kurt asked after a moment, pulling back.   
Sebastian shrugged. "I would be lying if I said I missed you too much~"  
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Mmm, sure, Seb." He smirked. "Coffee?"  
"Coffee sounds great." Sebastian grinned. 

\------------

It was a great remainder of the day hanging out with Sebastian, they chatted and laughed and played cards before deciding on a movie marathon and taking ages arguing over which films were to be on the list before they finally agreed and put the first one on - Hairspray.   
Kurt admitted to always wanting to play Link, because he was a great character and was hot. Sebastian was reminded of how good Kurt would be as Link and had to remind himself that Kurt was engaged. 

And finally, three movies in, curled up on the sofa in the low light amongst a load of pillows and blankets, Kurt found himself asleep.  
Sebastian smiled, not wanting to move the other boy. He looked exhausted, and he honestly didn't mind that Kurt's head had landed on his shoulder or that he was resting softly against him. He found himself paying more attention to Kurt than the movie that was playing, despite 'Meet the Fockers' being one of his favourite films.   
He settled himself more comfortably on the sofa without moving Kurt too much, and pulled a blanket over him, settling his arm across Kurt's shoulder and holding him while he slept. He wondered how Kurt's Christmas had actually been, from what the other boy said, as uneventful as his own.   
  
Soon enough he followed Kurt into the land of dreams, happy to be so close to his best friend. He was so content, that he didn't even bother to correct himself on Kurt being his best friend. 

\------------

The next morning, the two boys stirred to the sound of the loft door opening.   
Kurt glanced to the door, freezing as Santana walked in and folded her arms, her expression expectant of an explanation seen as Sebastian Smythe was in the loft.   
Shit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What would you guys do if I suddenly just killed Kurt off here? :') Don't worry, you're safe! (probably)


	33. I may have messed up...

I hate it when writers do this, but this isn't an update.

While rereading through the story I realised that in terms of glee timelines, the school year isn't actually over, so there's no any Christmas would be anywhere close to the heart attack episode i wrote as the last chapter...

SO, instead of changing shit, surprise, in the glee universe, there's a midyear Christmas every 100 years and this was that one. 

Nobodys graduated yet, Sebastian hasn't moved to new York, nor has blaine, I just fucked up the timeliness accidentally

Honestly can't believe it took me this long to realise that I'd fucked up...

New chapter should be up soon, hopefully!

-exza~x


	34. Explanations, Emotions and Envy

"Santana..." Kurt muttered, unsure what else to say, Sebastian seemed just as stuck for words as well.   
"Lady Hummel." She greeted back, but her expression demanded an explanation. "Start talking." She told them both, her arms still folded over her chest as she stared the two boys down.   
Kurt wasn't surprised, for all Santana, and anyone else knew, him and Sebastian only tolerated each other, if not hated each other still for things that had happened in the past. It was hard to imagine the Sebastian he knew now doing those sort of things as back then nowadays, but he supposed they owed his roommate an explanation.   
  
He let out a sigh, shuffling round on the sofa and motioning to the chair. Sebastian looked like he was getting ready for a scrap and Kurt offered him as relaxing a smile as he could and turned his attention to Santana as she perched down and raised a brow, expecting, well, more demanding, an explanation.  
Kurt coughed a little, trying to think of how to explain this, but he decided enough was enough. Like with any explanation, it was best to say everything, and he had kept one of his best friends secret for so long that he supposed it may feel good to tell someone else. 

Santana didn't say much as Kurt explained, Sebastian adding his two cents every so often, confirming or explaining different parts of the story that would help Santana understand how exactly two mortal enemies had become close friends. She finally seemed to soften when they got to the part about the school shooting, and soon after, Finn. It seemed Santana could tell how good for Kurt Sebastian had been, and there was a look on her face that Kurt couldn't quite place, but it was almost... thankful? toward Sebastian. But Sebastian understood. 'Who knows what could have happened to Kurt if he hadn't been there'.   
After the whole story was over, the both waited for Santana to say something. Hopefully something other than what they were both expecting her to say. 

After a moment she nodded, smirking a little. "I have to say, Lady, it's fun seeing you hide something from Blaine." She chuckled.   
Kurt rolled his eyes, at least she seemed to accept that himself and Sebastian were friends, to some extent in order to joke anyway. "I am not hiding anything from Blaine." He retorted, and Santana offered an accusatory look. He tutted. "Me and Blaine were broken up when we became friends, I'm not hiding anything." He insisted.   
"The dwarf knows we're talking now, since the proposal." Sebastian added, shrugging a little. "He just doesn't know everything. Because we all know how he likes to overreact and make things up."  
  
Kurt shot him a half-hearted glare. "Seb, play nice, that's my fiancé."  
Santana laughed at the two of them. "Oh, I have to admit, I never thought I would see the day that I agree with Mr. Slushie over there, but Sebastian's right." She shrugged at Kurt's confused expression. "Blaine is controlling, I don't mind the guy, but it's hard for me to be in the same room as most people, let alone his preppy, over-the-top optimism." She rolled her eyes and Sebastian was trying hard not to laugh, especially when Kurt backhanded his arm for laughing. 

"Let's just change the subject, ok?" The countertenor offered, knowing this conversation wasn't going anywhere, as neither of the other two had very nice things to say about Blaine. "Would anyone like some coffee?" He stood, making himself busy in the kitchen and leaving the other two to chat and hopefully get to know each other and maybe even get along.   
The other two agreed to a coffee and he got to work, hearing their conversation from the kitchen.   
"It's sorta my fault Kurt hasn't explained anything to Blaine... or anyone," Sebastian tried to tell the girl without Kurt hearing, so Kurt pretended not to hear. He shrugged, trying to act his usual non-calanthe self, a defence mechanism he tended to hide behind, much akin to Kurt's mask. "Guess I got worried about people over-reacting after everything."

Kurt could tell the meaning behind his words. He was worried the others wouldn't forgive him, that they would judge him and hold him to his actions years prior when he was going through shit. Kurt knew most of the things he'd been going through, though he needed to delve deeper to get the full extent. It didn't excuse his behaviour, but Kurt had. He knew the Sebastian he knew today was kind, sweet, sarcastic as ever but funny and was one of his best friends.   
"I may give you a hard time from now on, but it's nothing I don't do to those lot anyway." Santana smirked. "I have to say, anyone who can be mostly on-par in a Jackson-off with me has to be a decent, if bitchy, person. Especially if he's managed to become friends with the queen-bitch, Hummel." 

The two smirked at each other and Kurt huffed as he walked back over, placing the coffee's down. "Just for that quip I'm not going to make my special pasta surprise for you on Tuesdays anymore~"  
"No, Lady Hummel! I didn't say anything!" Santana argued, trying to make Kurt look at her pout. "Please!"  
Kurt laughed as he sat back down on the sofa. "Fine, fine, and stop with the lady bullshit." He rolled his eyes, and the other two fake gasped at hearing him swear, causing him to shake his head at their antics. He should have known the two of them would make a mean pair when they joined forces, and it was relieving to know the girl was at least giving Sebastian a chance. It was just a case of the others finding out now... 

\------------

"Well, as much fun as I've had today, and as surprised as I AM by that, I gots to get to bed," Santana told them both, pushing herself up from the sofa and stretching. "Been nice having you around, Smythe. Though don't tell anyone I said that." She pointed threateningly at the two boys who laughed at her.   
"Night, San'." Kurt smiled sleepily, he'd enjoyed the day with his friends, watching films, chatting and catching up, relaxing. As exhausting as it was to deal with the other two's bitchiness, he loved his friends, and he found himself almost giddy that they were getting along so well, he hadn't expected Santana of all people to be accepting of his friendship with Sebastian, especially since she'd seen that they were close. He just hoped the others were also accepting, though he somehow doubted it. 

Santana folded her arms. "But don't think you're off the hook, Lady Hummel, you know as well as I do that Dwarf Berry night not be so accepting when she finds out." She reminded him of his worried, and he knew it was coming from a place of caring.   
Kurt nodded. "I know... We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Please don't tell anyone for now, especially Blaine-"  
"Relax, pixie, I'm not gonna rat you out." She smiled, a genuine smile that seemed to only really be reserved for himself, Danni and Brittany. "You look after him." She warned Sebastian, before offering a wave and leaving the two to continue hanging out.   
  
"I will!" Sebastian called out, earning a playful slap from Kurt.   
"You better." Santana turned back to them, causing Kurt to huff.   
Sebastian chuckled, ruffling Kurt's hair, much to his protests. "Lopez, I've got a room at the hotel across the street, I know Rachel comes back soon, so I was gonna spend the next couple days apartment hunting for college." He explained. "Looking for a place around here, a good distance between Hoftra and Columbia, so I won't have to move between years of school. I still have my sights set around Hampstead." 

Santana nodded, impressed. "Looks like I'll have to get used to seeing you around then." She smirked. "Night, gays."  
"Night, Santana." The two boys called after her as she left fully this time.   
Kurt and Sebastian went back to quietly watching the TV, chatting in hushed, sleepy voices and laughing at old stories of each other. When Kurt failed to cover another yawn up, Sebastian chuckled, grabbing the blanket and handing it to him. "If you're going to refuse to go to bed at least make yourself comfortable, Hummel."   
Kurt rolled his eyes, but wrapped the blanket around himself none-the-less. "I'm coming with you when you go apartment hunting." He told him, curling up more in his spot and resting his head on the sofa cushion, watching Sebastian with tired eyes.   
  
The younger boy rolled his eyes. "I'll be fine, princess." He explained, though he would enjoy having Kurt with him.   
Kurt raised a brow. "Need I remind you of my designers eye? Besides, moral support is good when it comes to these things." He shrugged, yawning once again.   
Sebastian laughed and relented. "Fine, fine, I'll be heading out tomorrow morning for a viewing, you can come with."  
"Yay~" Kurt whispered, smiling at Sebastian's laugh. 

\------------

After a morning of laughing at 'Worst Cooks in America' during breakfast, Kurt finally convinced Sebastian to get ready.   
"You want to look good and impress the agent." He explained as Sebastian rolled his eyes at being forced to wear something other than his usual comfy clothes. He'd started wearing the skinny jeans Kurt had bought him, wasn't that enough? "The jeans do wonders, BUT! We need to find a nice, subtle shirt to go with them, really show off your smarter side." Kurt continued and Sebastian couldn't help but smile watching him browse his clothes, so in his element. 

The older boy finally managed to convince him to wear a simple green polo shirt that made his eyes stand out more, with a simple flower pattern across the bottom of the sleeves. "Will I pass?" Sebastian smirked as Kurt looked him over with a judging eye, it was kind of cute. "Come on, princess, we gotta get to the first viewing!"   
Kurt rolled his eyes, but turned back to his clothes rack. "Ok, one last thing!" He called, grabbing something grey and throwing it at the other boy.   
Sebastian was sceptical, holding the item up with a frown. "A cardigan?" He muttered, but pulled the item on when Kurt folded his arms as if waiting. It was a nice cardigan, a light grey and soft, with holes cut down the sleeves to show off the patterns on the polo shirt sleeves. "Well?" He asked, and earned a wide grin from the other boy. 

"That's it!" Kurt jumped up and down a little. "Ok, let me grab a jacket and then I'm ready!" He turned back to the wardrobe, grabbing a denim shirt with purple graffiti style flowers over the back. Sebastian caught himself staring at the other boys' style, and quickly averted his gaze when Kurt turned round and rushed over, grabbing Sebastian's hand and his own phone before rushing out of the loft. 

\------------

They saw a LOT of apartments and housing that day, all from Queens Village, to Woodhaven, to Canarsie and across to Greenpoint.   
Some were nice, some were dives, Sebastian didn't seem all that impressed with any of them and Kurt saw some potential, but nothing drew him in like the loft had done.   
  
Half way around a nice converted town house Kurt figured it was a good a time as any to bring up something that was bothering him. "So..." He approached, unsure how to bring it up.   
"What's wrong, Hummel?" Sebastian asked, sensing that this was something that was important to him.   
Kurt sighed. "Are you planning on telling the others that we're friends?" He figured just asking was better than beating around the bush. "I mean, now that Santana knows and, and I know she said she wouldn't tell anyone, but I don't know, she's said one thing before and done another and I don't know if we should just tell people to get it over with-"  
  
Finally Kurt had had enough of hearing Kurt ramble and work himself up, he placed a calming hand on the other boys arm. "Kurt, hey, it's ok. I get what you mean, I don't really know Santana but I know she has a mean streak..." He took another moment to think over what he wanted to do, he knew Kurt was worried, and he had to admit, he was as well. "I think..." He sighed. "I think I'd much rather wait until after graduation. You know, when I'm out here and moved to New York and I've managed to get settled in at college..."  
Kurt smiled a little. "I agree."  
"I just think it'll be easier for the both of us, especially concerning... Blaine."  
Kurt nodded. "Yeah, yeah that's gonna be the difficult one." He chuckled a little. "Are we going to continue telling people that we only reconnected recently? I mean, they might be mad about us lying to them..." He trailed off, looking down at the floor and closing in on himself a little, as if thinking about telling Blaine was going to be a massive deal; which Sebastian realised it WAS. 

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Sebastian smiled, trying to reassure him as the agent showing them around returned and continued showing them the flat.   
Kurt flashed Sebastian a thankful smile and they continued with the tour. 

\------------

"Hey!" Kurt greeted Sebastian the next day with a hug. "I just got a call from Elliot, he's got a bunch of ideas for the band, I feel like I should be worried." He sighed, sipping on his coffee.   
Sebastian smiled. "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Is he the cute one from your band practice Instagram post?"   
"Oh, shut up!" Kurt giggled, punching Sebastian in the arm playfully. "I'm serious. I made this band so we could all have an equal chance to find some form of stardom, and... I don't know sometimes I feel like he'd trying to steal the spotlight." He sighed. "Easy when you dress like a glam rock Ebenezer Scrooge..." He muttered, earning a chuckle from the other boy. "Ok, maybe I am overreacting..."

"Not at all, look, people get worried about things, if you feel like he's pushing too hard, why not talk to him?" Sebastian suggested.   
Kurt sighed, nodding a little. "Probably a good idea. Coffee before I go to work?" He asked, heading to the kettle.   
"Isabelle asked you to come back before you're supposed to then?" Sebastian asked, sitting at the kitchen table. 

"Apparently they're swamped planning a big social between business-men, she needs as many stylists as she can get," Kurt explained, handing the other boy a mug of coffee and sitting opposite him. "And even though I may not be a stylist - or anything close - she said I could help out. She also said I could bring Blaine, since she really wants to meet him, so it's not all bad." He chuckled. "So, do you have anything planned for today? I probably should have told you that I have work-"  
Sebastian shook his head with a smile. "Don't worry, Santana actually invited me shopping."

Kurt stared at him for a moment. "Oh."  
"Should I be worried?"   
"No, no, she's got great taste. Just take whatever she says with a bucket of salt, ok?" Kurt joked, and Sebastian laughed.   
  
"Got it. She's meeting me here in half an hour or so."   
Kurt nodded, grabbing his jacket. "Are you going to be ok here until she gets here?"  
Sebastian smirked. "Of course, princess. I have your book collection to look through and critique."  
Rolling his eyes, Kurt pulled on his jacket and downed the rest of his coffee. "Oh, ha ha. The new series I was recommending is on the windowsill if you wanted to give it a read!" He headed to the door, offering a quick wave. "Bye, sweetie!" He called, rushing out to get to work.   
"Goodbye, honey!" Sebastian shouted after him, chuckling to himself. 

\------------

"You're home late, Hummel." Santana stated, watching the other boy walk in and put his jacket down. Herself and Sebastian sat on the sofa, watching one of the many new DVD's Kurt had acquired.   
Kurt gave a small wave, pointing to the phone in his hand and continuing his conversation with Blaine as he headed back into his room.   
  
"I don't know, Kurt, don't you think you might be overreacting?" Blaine asked down the line. The younger boy had managed to get Kurt talking about Elliot again and his fears had only grown since talking to Blaine.   
He rolled his eyes, huffing slightly as he started getting changed. "If anything, I'm underreacting. Starchild is trying to take over the band. The soul of Pamela Lansbury is hanging in the balance." He heard Blaine chuckle and frowned. "It all started when Elliott scored an interview in The Village Voice, and he said, 'I feel so alive right now. Nothing means more to me than my band'."

"That's great, isn't it?"  
Kurt rolled his eyes despite the fact that Blaine couldn't see him. "He's calling it _his_ band, Blaine." Another chuckle. "And then, not five minutes ago, do I get a text from him that says, 'Oh, my God, I just wrote a new song that we _have'_... in all caps... 'got to do'. I mean, he's a psychopath."   
"Kurt, I gotta go. But, look, if you're really concerned about Elliot, don't let on, even for a second," Blaine explained and Kurt nodded a little, sitting back on his bed now that he'd finished getting changed. "Remember the old adage, 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'."  
Kurt smiled. "I love you."

He headed back out into the main part of the loft, sighing and sitting down on the sofa.   
"That boyfriend of yours is great at getting you wound up about stuff." Sebastian smirked.   
"Fiancé," Kurt retorted. "besides, you're one to talk. You love riling me up."

Sebastian chuckled, holding the bowl of popcorn out. Kurt shook his head.   
"Where'd Santana go?" He asked, noticing the girl's absence. He glanced around before looking back to the other boy. "Date with a tequila shot?"  
Sebastian laughed. "No, she went to go pick Rachel up from the train station." He explained. "Guess I'll be going back to the hotel soon."

Kurt sighed, nodding a little. "I guess..."  
"Look, like I said," Sebastian placed his mug down on the table and leant forward. "once I'm settled at college, we can talk about how to tell the others. For now I'm just happy Santana likes me enough to invite me shopping and _mostly_ not insult me all day."  
Kurt couldn't help but smile at that. "Ok, you're right. Sorry, it's been a long day." He sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Are we meeting up tomorrow?" 

"I have a lunch date with Isabelle, but I'll ask if you're ok to join?" Sebastian answered, smiling.   
Kurt nodded. "We have band rehearsals in the afternoon, but I'm free for lunch, I think." He checked his phone, looking to see if he did have anything planned that he was forgetting.   
"It's good to see you taking time off for once, you were running around so much and doing so much at once that I thought you were going to have a heart attack." Sebastian laughed. 

The older boy nodded a little, offering a half-hearted chuckle, hoping it came off as distracted rather than dismissive. "Oh, I have some dance stuff to work out with Cassie, but I'm sure I could make it once I'm done, we usually finish at around lunch-time anyway."  
"Sure, princess. Just let me know, yeah?" He smiled, ruffling Kurt's hair and earning a glare and a few select curse words from the older boy. "See ya later, Hummel."  
"Goodbye, darling~" Kurt joked and chuckled, not paying attention to Sebastian's reaction; a shocked pause as he watched Kurt for a moment, before saying another quiet goodbye and leaving the loft. He paused outside for a moment, trying not to think about how hearing Kurt call him pet names sent a warm feeling through his chest. 

Kurt often called his friends 'honey' or 'dear', so it was easy to retort or call him silly names back. But hearing him call him 'darling' in that playful tone...   
He shook his head, trying to ignore it as another wave of butterflies rolled through him. "Stop it, Smythe... He's your best friend." He sighed, heading down the stairs. "And he's engaged..." He muttered, trying not to think about his inappropriate feelings for his best friend. 

\------------

The next morning Kurt got up to get ready, turning to the group of girls that sat around the lounge, hanging out now that Rachel was back from Ohio and Danny was back from travelling around Florida. "All right, ladies, remember, we got band rehearsal tonight."  
"Kurt, I'm sorry, I just... I can't." Rachel told him, and he paused.   
"What?"  
  
Even Santana looked confused. "Wait, what? Why?"  
"Santana, don't start with me right now." Rachel sighed. "They're auditioning my understudy today, and I have to be there. I told them it's ridiculous because it's not like I'm ever gonna miss a performance or anything. Just... It must be an insurance thing, right?" She looked up at her friends, pleading.   
Santana looked to Kurt. "Hey, well, hold up. If Berry's not coming, then neither am I."

Kurt frowned, annoyed. He loved the girls, and he was glad they were finally getting along, but seriously? Even Danny looked like she was going to say she couldn't make it. "Guys, we're in a band. We have to practice." He reminded them.   
"Kurt, I would think that you would understand all the emotional stress that I'm under right now, and I need you guys to just be a little supportive." Rachel accused him. "It's just... it's really hard being a star." She walked off to her own room, and Kurt stared after her, completely unsure what to say. 

"Are you frigging kidding me?!" He asked the room in general.   
"Don't worry about it, Lady Hummel, you know what she's like." Santana reassured him, patting him on the shoulder. "Look, I have to go out later, and Danny has plans. I know you and Elliot have a bunch of ideas, why not brainstorm before our next meeting?"

Kurt watched the two girls leave, opening his mouth as if to say something, but just groaned in frustration and headed into his room, getting into his dancing clothes and pulling on a big oversized hoodie before heading off to meet Cassie at NYADA. 

\------------

"Maybe you should just hang out with Elliot a bit?" Sebastian suggested. "You have the afternoon wide open, it might be a good chance to get to know him, maybe talk to him about what's wrong."   
Kurt rolled his eyes, sipping on his mojito. "Blaine said it's a bad idea to talk to him, but hanging out with him might be a good idea..."  
"So you can see what he's up to?" Sebastian raised a brow, knowing Blaine's angle in this whole thing. Elliot was a good looking guy, and Kurt's fiancé had serious trust issues. He turned his attention to the two women across the bar from them, laughing with each other. "Who'd have known they'd get along so well?"

"Yeah..." Kurt shook his head. "Cassie doesn't get along with anyone and Isabelle is a ball of sunshine most of the time."  
"Opposites attract." Sebastian shrugged, and Kurt chuckled, finishing off his drink. "As long as they get the bill and the drinks, I'm fine with it."  
Sebastian chuckled, leaning closer and whispering as if it was a secret; "Maybe I should get you a round?"  
"Oh, go on then, but don't tell the two blondes."  
"Deal." Sebastian grinned, turning away to get the waiters attention. 

\------------

Kurt placed a plate of sandwiches on the table and two coffees. "When the girls bailed, I almost cancelled rehearsal, but then I thought, why can't it just be the boys today?" It had been Sebastian's idea, and Kurt had invited him as well, but he'd declined, telling Kurt he needed to talk to Elliot alone. Though his phone call with Blaine on the way back to the loft had made him nervous and on edge about Ellito all over again. "Why not use this as a great opportunity to get to know my new friend Elliott? Cucumber sandwich?" He smiled, feeling as if he were being overly-polite. 

"Thank you. Yeah." Elliot smiled, taking one of the mini sandwiches.   
"So, let's break it down, Andy Cohen-style." Kurt smiled, earning a chuckle from the other boy. "How long have you been performing? 'Cause you are extremely confident out there on that stage. Like you've been doing it your whole life. A-And dare I say it? You just might be the breakout star of Pamela Lansbury."  
  
Elliot nodded. "Yeah, well, I am."  
He paused, tilting his head slightly. "Sorry?"  
"Come on now. I mean... everybody's bringing something essential to the mix." Elliot explained. 

Kurt nodded. "Right, right. Said Beyoncé right before she left Destiny's Child."  
"She was better...-"  
"But you were saying something?" Kurt asked, not wanting to go down that road. 

Elliot nodded a little. "Um, yeah, I guess the first time onstage was... fifth grade. I played Schroeder in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown."  
"How does one go from Schroeder to Starchild?" Kurt smiled. "What is that journey like?"  
"Well..." Elliot sighed, and Kurt knew he knew something was up.  
  
"Ruthless and-and full of ambition, I-I, I imagine... qualities that I admire, of course, and, you know, wish I had more of myself." Kurt explained, though just felt he was digging himself a hole.   
Elliot smiled. "Um, I started with, um, singing lessons and piano. And-and I just started taking guitar."  
"Would you teach me?" Kurt asked, before he could realise that hadn't been what he'd wanted to ask. Though he had thought about taking guitar lessons... He'd been playing the piano since he was a kid, though he didn't really play that much anymore, especially since Blaine liked to play, he didn't want to steal his spotlight. 

"Have you ever played?" Elliot asked, just as surprised as Kurt that he'd asked.   
"Oh, yeah, a little. I-I think I know the-the basic chords, but I'm nowhere near your level of virtuosity." Kurt smiled, looking down at his coffee.   
Elliot shook his head. "I'm not that good."

"Oh, will you stop downplaying yourself?" Kurt chastised, once again seeing himself in the other boy, even if he shouldn't. "You... are amazing. You could easily be the front man of our band if you wanted to be..." He paused for a second, his brows creasing. "Do you?"  
"Yes."  
"Come again?"

Elliot chuckled. "You know, Kurt, uh, if you really want to learn, you should... you should get your own guitar." He explained, sitting forward. "You know, something that suits your personality and your style. You know, having the right instrument makes a huge difference."  
"Great." Kurt nodded, he did want to learn guitar after all... "We'll go down to the shop tomorrow, if you want?"  
"Sure." Elliot smiled. "Look, I have to go, I've got some clothes to re-stitch, but I'll text you, yeah?" He headed over to the door.   
  
Kurt smiled, watching him go. "Yeah, definitely. Have a good night."  
Sebastian walked in as Elliot turned back to the door. "Oh, hi, Elliot, right?" he smiled.  
"Hello, there." Elliot smiled back. "Yeah, you're one of Kurt's friends?"  
"Yeah, yeah, Sebastian Smythe."  
"Nice name. Unique." Elliot grinned. 

Kurt cleared his throat and Elliot told them goodbye again before heading out and closing the door. Sebastian chuckled before heading over to the other boy. "He's even cuter in person."  
Kurt groaned, placing his head in his hands. "I'm an idiot."  
"Didn't tell him about how you're feeling, then?" Sebastian quipped, sitting down and folding his arms with a smile. 

"You get mean when you see an attractive guy." Kurt grumbled, offered a half-hearted glare before looking down at his drink.   
"Not all the time..." Sebastian muttered. "So, what happened?"  
Kurt groaned again, leaning back on the sofa. "I'm going guitar shopping with him tomorrow, he knows something, he wants to be the front-man of Pamela-Lansbury, and he's going to be a break-out star." He explained. 

"Ouch." Sebastian smiled, moving so he was sat next to him and nudged him. "Just talk to him, it's not too late."  
Kurt shook his head a little, a small pout on his lips. "Blaine told me that's stupid. I'll just hang out with him a bit more and just... get used to him trying to take over, I guess."

"Kurt." Sebastian warned, offering him a stern look.   
Kurt rolled his eyes. "I know, look, let's just ignore all of this for now, it's giving me a headache." He sighed. "Let's watch some Doctor Who?"  
Sebastian couldn't help but smile. "Sure, I'll pop the DVD in."

\------------

"Ooh, I'm so excited that we're doing this, Elliott," Kurt smiled, walking around the guitar shop. In all honesty, hanging out with Elliot today had been fun, and now he'd just accepted that Elliot was going to become the leader, he'd decided just to try and be friends with him, without being jealous or selfish. He should have knows Santana's nickname of 'fearless leader' was all bullshit.  
"And after this, I thought we could second-act Pippin." Elliot suggested and Kurt smiled.   
"Ooh. And we can go to Angus's for after-theatre cocktails." He suggested, honestly just wanting a drink. 

"Oh, yeah!" Elliot grinned.  
One of the workers walked over as Kurt touched one of the guitars. "Looking for anything in particular?"  
Elliot smiled at the man. "Uh, yeah. My friend's in the market for a new guitar."

Kurt smiled and went to touch the guitar he'd liked again.   
"Don't touch the axes."  
"The ax... Are those the axes?" Kurt smirked, feigning ignorance, placing his hand on the guitar again. "What? I don't-"  
"Hey, man!" The guy frowned, stepping forward, but Elliot put a hand up, smiling. 

"do you know that song by The Darkness?" He asked, before turning to Kurt and grinning. "'I Believe in a Thing Called Love'?"  
Kurt grinned, seeing where this was going. 

The performance was great, Kurt enjoyed the pole that sat in the centre of the store, and the workers didn't treat him like he didn't belong any more. He had a soft spot for classic rock, especially after Finn became his brother and was playing it all around the house.   
"Throw these guys some guitars." The worker who had tried to stop him before said, and Kurt and Elliot grinned at each other. 

\------------

Kurt had been watching Rachel walk around and ramble, he was getting annoyed at this point at Rachel moaning at him. "You don't own the song, Rachel." He finally spoke up, sick of it.  
"No, that song is Ms. Streisand's as long as she's on this planet." The girl retorted, and Kurt rolled his eyes. "But let me tell you something... when she goes, it's gonna be my responsibility to sing it!"  
Kurt stared at her. "Do you know how insane you sound?"  
  
"It was completely inappropriate of her to try out without telling me." Rachel frowned, folding her arms.   
Santana walked in, smirking and folding her arms. "Hey, roomies. Talking about me?"  
Kurt shook his head, hoping she'd heard him defend her against Rachel's tirade. "No. Why would you think that?"  
"Why did you audition without telling me?" Rachel demanded of the other girl, and Kurt felt a migraine was coming soon. 

Santana shrugged. "Well, because I figured that we were going to fight about it, anyway, so we might as well go at it afterwards." She smirked. "That way you don't have a chance to torpedo me."  
"Fanny Brice is a New York Jew. You playing that role is like me being the grand marshal at the Puerto Rican Day parade." Rachel retorted, and Kurt frowned, not looking forward to listening to the two argue about this for the next god-knows how long...

"What if you weren't playing Fanny? If you weren't playing the lead, and I came home and said that I had auditioned to be the understudy, would you still feel so strongly?" Santana asked, and looked to Kurt, who looked away, not wanting to be dragged into another argument where he somehow ended up the one being blamed for whatever was going on. He'd not long gotten out of the hospital.  
"I'm arguing on principle." Rachel argued. "This is not personal-"  
Santana shook his head. "Bull crap, Rachel. You have all of this talk about forgiveness for high school, but the reality is that you just love having something over me." She shrugged a little. "I mean, these past couple of months with you in rehearsal and me waiting tables has been such sweet revenge for you. And you just can't stand the idea that I might get mine, too."

Rachel made a noise as if she didn't believe what she was hearing. "I just got you on the cover of New York magazine!"  
"In the background. You were practically glowing about it." Santana explained, and Kurt looked between the two girls, not knowing if he should risk talking at all.   
"That's because I accomplished something!" Rachel told her. "It had nothing to do with you-"  
Santana shook her head. "No, see, it actually has everything to do with me. Every step that you take in this city is fuelled by all of the hate that we gave you. All of that ambition is just you trying to prove us wrong. Which is fine, Rachel. I mean, whatever works for you. Just don't try to say that it isn't."

Kurt finally stood, putting his hands up to try and stop the heated argument. "You know what? Why don't we just chill for a second, please. Okay, I'll make espresso!"  
"You know what? You can't handle it." Rachel stepped closer to Santana, and Kurt followed them to the kitchen, just in case he'd have to step in and stop a cat-fight. "You can't handle that I have made it, and you are just _begging_ to be my understudy."

"Okay, you know what? Just admit that even with all of your years of singing lessons and dancing lessons and only-child adoration from your gay Broadway dads that I am just as good as you. Unlike you, I can be popular in high school and still make it big after graduation." Santana told her, folding her arms with her best bitch-smirk as Rachel headed into her room, moving things around angrily as the other girl followed. "Just admit that no matter what you do, or how far you go, you will never be able to scratch that itch. You will never be able to look down on me and redeem yourself. Because I was better than you then, and I'm always gonna be better than you. You are short, you are awful, and that is never going to change!-"

Before Kurt could step in a loud slap rung through the loft, and the two girls stared at each other for a moment.   
"I think you should move out." Rachel said, voice low.   
"I agree." Santana turned and headed for the door.   
Kurt shook his head, looking between the two of them. "This is crazy! We're friends!"

"Not really." Santana frowned, but paused when her phone rang. "Hello? Yeah, good. Okay. Well, thank you for letting me know so soon. Bye." She looked back to Rachel. "I'll see you at rehearsals, Berry. I'm your new understudy." And with that she headed to the door. 

Kurt looked back to Rachel, unsure what to do or say, but the girl sent a glare his way and closed the curtain to her side of the loft.   
He looked down before heading into the bathroom for some much needed - and all too missed - Kurt Hummel style therapy. It was another hour or so before Sebastian would be free from his dinner with Isabelle, and that gave him plenty of time to relish in his bad habits after a while of not indulging. 

\------------

Kurt tutted as he headed down the street, quickly wiping the dried blood from his phone screen as he clicked Santana's number again. "Come on... pick up..." He muttered. She finally answered.   
"I'm not coming back there, Hummel." She immediately said.   
"No, no, I know. I'm not at the loft." He explained before she could hang up on him. "I'm going to the bar with Sebastian, Rachel's hauled herself in her room and refuses to talk to me." 

She sighed. "And what do you want from me, Lady?"  
"I thought you might want to come..." He sighed. "Look, I'll be meeting Seb at the subway stop in fourty minutes, if you want to come and relax for a bit then... meet us there?"  
There was a moment of silence, before Santana sighed, voice softening. "Ok, I'll see you there."

It was a good night, and the girl had had a good heart-to-heart with him when she'd gotten drunk, and Sebastian had helped Kurt take her back to Bushwick. She refused to go up to the loft, so they took her to Sebastian's hotel room and laid her in the bed. "Guess we're on the floor." Kurt chuckled.   
"You don't have to stay, I'll make sure she's ok." Sebastian reminded him. "Besides, I thought you told me you'd never sleep on a hotel room floor?"  
"Santana's not the only one who's drunk~" Kurt giggled, making Sebastian laugh. 

"You're still the soberest out of us all." He shook his head. "Who'd have thought it?"  
Kurt offered him a punch in the shoulder and they sat down on the floor. Kurt sighed, looking at the girl asleep on the bed and shook his head. "We can't go one day without issues or drama..." He muttered, softly resting his head atop Sebastian's shoulder. "I don't know what I'm going to do about this one... the girls are completely at odds with each other."  
"Is it really that bad this time?" Sebastian asked.   
  
"It's terrible. Rachel's pissed that Santana auditioned and got the understudy roll, Santana's pissed because Rachel's pissed at her, she thinks Rachel's being selfish. I'm pissed because once again I've been dragged into the middle of a meaningless argument." He explained.   
Sebastian smiled. "Don't let it get to you, honey." He placed a soft kiss to Kurt's forehead, smiling as he realised Kurt had fallen asleep. "Goodnight, Kurt."

\------------

"Ah, T. Rex? Oh, be still my glam heart." Elliot smiled.   
Kurt sat down on the other side of the sofa to him. He'd left Santana and Sebastian at the hotel to nurse their hangovers while he hung out with Elliot and tried to get used to being pushed out - more than he was already used to it that was. He had experience with it, it should be easy. "You know, there's this amazing flea market in Park Slope that we should go to."  
"Ooh." Elliot smiled. "I will help you pick out the perfect records to add to your collection. I'm, uh, kind of magic like that."

Kurt chuckled. "And I am kind of magic at baking pre-packaged goods with extra glazing~" He grinned, pulling the plate of pastries over to them.   
"Aww!" Elliot smiled. "That looks amazing." He paused for a moment and sighed, looking to the other boy. "You know, Kurt... you know, this might sound a little bit weird, but, um, I'm so glad that we've met. I mean, you're the first gay friend that I've made in the city that's not crazy or just trying to hook up. You're hot as hell and sassier than anyone I've ever met before. But I do know what you're doing."

Kurt froze. "What's that?"  
"I'm not trying to take over you band, man." Elliot shook his head with a smile. "That's what you're thinking, right? I mean, that's why we've been spending so much time together?"  
Kurt sighed, nodding. "You are kind of magic... I'm sorry, I-I just wanted to, you know, figure out, exactly what your deal was." He shrugged. 

Elliot smiled. "Well, the deal is this. You guys are awesome." Kurt raised a brow at that. "You're good people, you're talented and, you know what? So am I. So let's not be these, like, smiley frenemies that backstab each other. Let's go out and kick ass together. I mean, I'm a part of your band. And trust me, if you were single, I'd be all over you, man."  
"Yeah, you are." Kurt deflated, glad now they were just talking about what was bothering him. He sat up with a smile. "Okay, let's document this moment. Shall we?"  
"Great." Elliot agreed. Kurt could tell they would be good friends. "Yes, yes."  
  
"I think this calls for a Pamela Lansbury selfie."  
They took the selfie, laughing at it. "Oh! See..."  
"I was still chewing. Oh, sorry, let's take a look, it could be... Yeah, no, we're doing that again..." Kurt laughed, happy that everything was out in the air with the other boy.   
"Yeah, that's awful. We're going that again, okay?"  
  
Elliot grinned. "One, two... Be super cute."   
"Aw, cute!" Kurt smiled, holding the phone up again, shocked when the other boy pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Oh!"

\------------

"We all can't live here anymore. One of us has to go." Rachel told the other two, and Kurt really just wanted to burst into flames. The girl had insisted he be here for this, expecting him to pick sides in this argument; her side specifically. But he wasn't going to fall out with either of them, or pick sides.   
"I've paid rent here for three months," Santana reminded them. "and even though I never actually got to have a _bed_, uh, I have squatter's rights."  
Rachel shook her head, turning to Kurt. "Kurt, you're the deciding vote."

"Oh, well, then I guess I should pack my stuff now." Santana frowned, folding his arms. "'Cause we all know who he's gonna side with. Right."  
Rachel smiled at Kurt. "Thank you."

Kurt shook his head, glaring at the two girls. "I'm thinking neither of you! Okay? This is ridiculous! We are _friends_. I'm not gonna let something like this break us up."  
"This is betrayal, Kurt, okay?" Rachel told him, as if it was obvious. "This is exactly how friends break up-"  
"She auditioned for your understudy, Rachel." He reminded her. "How is that betrayal?"  
  
"Okay, you know what? Let me break it down for you..." Rachel told him, talking down to him and he offered a small glare. "The sole purpose of an understudy is to hope that the lead never goes on. She only wins if I lose! And I can't be around this negative energy anymore. This is my big break and she is poisoning it!"  
"Poison." Santana rolled her eyes.   
Rachel grit her teeth.

"Even if she never went out on that stage, this would be a very important job for her. And I'm a little disappointed you can't find the generosity in your heart to see that." Kurt reprimanded her, but she only glared at him for getting involved and not choosing her side.  
"You know what? If you think that she is just some babe in the woods who is perfectly fine with living off of the scraps off of my star sandwich, then you are naïve and wilfully ignorant!" Rachel shouted and Kurt rolled his eyes, growing more and more annoyed. "She would kill for this part!"

Kurt tutted. "Oh, yes, she has been awful to us before. But I believe her now."  
Santana smirked triumphantly and Kurt felt he would regret his words. "Look at that, Pasty Gay is siding with me."  
"I am not siding with either of you." He reminded them. "I just want to order a pizza, sit down and talk this out!"  
Rachel shook her head. "You know what? You guys can do whatever you want in this apartment, because I'm leaving, and let me tell you something, Santana. You and I have just been pretending to be friends ever since we did that stupid number in the choir room after graduation, all happy and supportive. But it's all crap! Because you and I have never been friends. Never have and never will be!"

Kurt shook his head. "Rachel, no..." He spoke softly, but Rachel turned her anger to him before storming to the door.   
"No. No, you know what? Let her go." Santana told him, and he saw her look, as if warning him not to get himself stressed out over it, a hint of worry in her look. "Hey, leave the mattress though, would you?"  
"I am on the cusp of something that most people never even touch, a dream come true. I am gonna be a star on Broadway. And I'm not gonna let one moment of this amazing, life-altering experience be ruined by two friends who aren't even my friends..." Rachel shook her head. "That's it. I'm done. I'm leaving." She turned back to the door. 

Kurt didn't know what to say, watching her go. This had been their loft for so long, this was their group, and now she hated him. And it was different than usual, he could tell. Maybe she'd hate him forever.   
"Okay. Cool." Santana shrugged, patting Kurt on the shoulder. "I'm gonna go set up _my_ room."  
Kurt looked down to the floor. "I'm going to go get in a shower..." He muttered, heading into the bathroom and locking the door as bile rose in his throat and he barely made it to the toilet before retching into it. 

It didn't take long before the razor was out again, and blood dripped down his arms. He didn't know how the hurting of himself would effect his heart after recent events, but right now, he didn't care. He'd been careful earlier, but now he went all out, not caring about the blood staining his shirt or jeans. He needed release, and there was few ways he knew how to get it. 

\------------

"Rachel, this is ridiculous." Kurt told his friend as he sat down on the stage with her. She had been rehearsing while Santana was at work, and he thought it best to speak to her alone. "This is all so crazy, you can't move out."  
"Kurt, you chose your side, I'm sure you and Santana will be very happy living in the loft together." Rachel retorted, not even looking at him as she drunk her coffee, doing her usual Rachelness when she was angry. "You're supposed to be my friend, I trusted you. You're supposed to stand by me, but you went to her like everyone else!"  
  
"Rachel, I wasn't choosing sides, I'm just trying to get you both to understand each other's perspectives-"  
"I know the truth, Kurt. There's no good lying to me." She answered, looking at him with anger. "I've found another roommate. I don't need you or anyone else who's going to try and stop my dreams and stand in my way, I don't need you, I never did. You're a horrible friend, you're supposed to be there for me!" 

Kurt stared at her for a moment, so shocked he forgot to hide to pain and upset from his expression. Rachel appeared to falter for a moment, but shook his head, folding her arms. "Fine..." He nodded a little. "I'm a horrible friend for trying to support you both-"  
"Kurt you have always been such a push-over. You're weak-minded. You crumbled because Santana snapped her fingers." She told him, standing back up on the stage and turning to face him with her arms folded. "I trusted you. Clearly I shouldn't have... You're a horrible person. You've never supported me..."

He didn't say anything to that. What _could_ he say? He stood, nodding to the girl before heading back out of the theatre. He ignored her as she called to him, heading down the street and going into the alleyway next to the theatre, trying to take a deep breath. It was difficult, and he soon found himself hyperventilating. "Fuck..." He whispered to himself in-between struggled breaths. He struggled to pull his phone out, almost dropping it as he clicked the buttons and put it to his ear. "S-Seb!" He managed to call out when the other boy answered. 

It wasn't long before Sebastian had calmed him down. He lied to the other boy about having rehearsal with Cassie and instead, headed back to the empty apartment. He threw his jacket down on the floor and rushed into the bathroom, closing the door and falling to his knees next to the cupboard as he shakily grabbed the razor and yanked his shirt off, drawing lines across his stomach. He let out a sigh of relief, but he needed more.   
Rachel had just admitted that she thought all the things Kurt thought about himself. It was all true...

\------------

Sebastian frowned, watching Kurt as he made them coffees. He was drawn in, reserved and closed off. He was clearly upset and annoyed about the situation between the girls. He kept fiddling with his shirt, yanking on his sleeves every so often, and avoided looking at the other boy. "Kurt-"  
"I'm a horrible person..." Kurt muttered, as if detested by himself. He stared at the kettle and Sebastian walked over to him.   
"What? Kurt, no-"  
  
"I'm a terrible friend." Kurt finally looked to him, pain in his eyes as he stared at the other boy.   
Sebastian shook his head. "No, no, the girls, they're just taking this way out of proportion. Ok? They're dragging you into their fight like usual, and taking their stupid argument out on you when you don't deserve it at all."  
Kurt shook his head, tears welling in his eyes as he looked down to the floor. "She's right to hate me..." He whispered, scared if he talked any louder than his voice would break. 

Sebastian looked at the other boy in shock. It took a lot for him to lose his cool like this. He placed a hand on the other boys' shoulder, softly pulling a little. Kurt took the offer and let the other boy wrap his arms around him, taking comfort in his best friends' warm arms. "I deserve it..." He muttered, shaking slightly.   
"Shh, no, you don't. None of this is to do with you, she's just making you think it is. Your friends have a habit of that..." Sebastian tried to reassure him. "Come on, you know I'm right, Kurt."  
Kurt pulled back a little, still staying close for comfort. He sniffled, shaking his head. "She's right, Seb..."  
  
"What exactly did she say?" Sebastian asked, his tone dark as he thought about how this girl was supposed to be Kurt's friend. Regardless of if they had fallen out, what could she say to make him feel like this? Enough to break his walls down. "Kurt?"  
"It doesn't matter." Kurt shook his head, pulling away fully now and turning back to the counter. "It's fine. _I'm_ fine."

Sebastian shook his head, watching Kurt for a moment. "Do you want to come back to Ohio with me for a few days? I know you're not back at NYADA for another week, you've done all your coursework. I'm sure Cassie would understand, and Isabelle would be fine with it."  
Kurt smiled a little, nodding. "I did do a lot of other coursework to make up for the missing semester..." He sighed. "Of course I'll come with you. Thank you... I should probably check in with Carole as well, my dad's been in DC a bit recently and I want to make sure she's ok, you know with the pregnancy and everything."

Sebastian smiled softly, looking at the sweet, sensitive boy in front of him. He'd grown up so much in the past couple years, he was so kind and such a good friend to people, and he cared about his family so much... It was hard to believe the world could be so cruel to someone so amazing. "I'll buy you a ticket."  
Kurt smiled now, hugging Sebastian again. "Thank you... You're such a good friend, Seb..."  
"And you're cheesy as hell, little princess." Sebastian chuckled, kissing Kurt on his forehead and they both pulled back.   
"Shut up." Kurt chuckled, already coming back to his old self. "Let's go to the bar and get blasted!" He grabbed the other boys' hand and dragged him to the door, causing Sebastian to laugh. 


	35. One Three Hill!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for this chapter, reference to attempted rape and homophobia, read with caution

They took the plane back to Ohio, it was a good trip, and Sebastian drove them back to Lima. They sung along stupidly loud to the radio, laughing at each other and chatting with the windows of the car down, the nice breeze of summer whipping through their hair and lapping at their faces.   
"Niff is waiting at the Lima Bean for us, that ok?" Sebastian asked, and Kurt smiled, taking his attention away from the trees flying by the side of the highway and back to the other boy.   
"Of course. I didn't exactly tell my dad I'm coming back, I don't have to be home straight away." He shrugged. 

Hanging out with Nick and Jeff was fun as always, they caught up about recent things, they reminisced about old times, Kurt excused himself when they began playing embarrassing old videos of their performances. They were embarrassing to Kurt anyway, he hated seeing his old performances.   
When he'd returned the three went quiet, sipping their coffees. "Uh-oh, gossiping about me before I've even left?" He chuckled, sitting back down.   
"Not at all, Kurt." Nick chuckled. "We were discussing your engagement." He shot a glance to Sebastian, who was still hiding behind his coffee cup. How the others had managed to figure out somewhat what he was feeling toward his best friend was a mystery, but at least they'd promised not to say anything. 

"Made any plans yet?" Jeff added.   
Sebastian quickly composed himself, he hadn't openly admitted to liking Kurt - in fact he'd denied it with everything he had - but he could tell the other two wouldn't let it drop. 

After they'd hung out, Sebastian drove Kurt to the tire shop, since the older boy had offered to fix the clicking noise that kept happening.   
"If anyone sees me there's gonna be questions..." He muttered, hands in his pockets as he watched Kurt walk toward the office.   
"Ha! Please, as far as anyone else is concerned, they don't know I came here with you." He shook his head with a chuckle, heading into the office to get changed into his overalls. 

When he returned, he didn't notice Sebastian's eyes roaming over him, following him to the car. He got to work on the car, checking under the hood to see if his hunch on what was making the noise was correct. It was, and it would be a fairly easy fix. Thankfully his dad had ordered the part he needed the last week when he checked, so he wouldn't have to wait to fix it. "Easy fix." He smiled at the other boy, and Sebastian nodded a little while Kurt got back to work. 

He was trying not to stare, but hot damn Kurt made a good grease-monkey. Oil smudged on his porcelain cheek, hair ruffled and overalls on. Why did the other boy have to be so damn attractive?   
Whatever he'd tried to hide and pretend wasn't there, it was becoming harder and harder to lie to himself. Kurt was... amazing. He was so strong, and funny and sassy... He was, annoyingly, and begrudgingly, the perfect guy for Sebastian. And he couldn't tell him. He couldn't let him know, not now, not ever. He was in love with Kurt Hummel. The boy he'd spent the better part of a year tormenting. The guy he'd once thought he'd hated, but had intrigued him non-the-less. The guy that just... fit. He just walked right into Sebastian's life and knocked him on his ass. And he just kept... falling. 

"All done." Kurt smiled, wiping his hands on an old rag. He raised a brow, his smile faltering a little. "Sebastian?"  
"Hmm? Oh, cool." He put on his usual smirk, but it softened to a genuine smile. Kurt smiled back, turning his attention back to the car. "Thank you." He added, watching the other boy and feeling as though his heart might just shatter in his chest. Because he loved a boy he could never have. And he'd not been able to look at anyone since, and shake this... tether, this indescribable PULL he had toward Kurt. Like Kurt was a black hole, and he was constantly, and irreprovably, drawn in. 

\------------

"Dad!" Kurt grinned, letting Burt lift him up in a bear hug. He was dressed in his shirt and suit jacket, he must have been going out to go to DC.   
"Kurt! I wasn't expecting you!" Burt grinned, finally putting him down and shaking his head. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I would have cancelled this meeting-"  
Kurt shook his head. "Not a chance, dad! Besides, you're only going for one day, I'm here for a couple, we can hang out when you get back." He reminded Burt sternly. 

Burt smiled, chuckling. "Fine, fine, I need to go, Carole's in the lounge. Enjoy yourself!" He clapped the boy on the shoulder before rushing out.   
"Bye." Kurt smiled, watching him go before heading into the lounge and placing his back down at the stairs. "Hi, Carole."  
"Hi, baby." Carole beamed, happy to see him. It was clear that she was pregnant, a bump showing where it hadn't been before. "What a surprise!" She pulled him into a hug and he chuckled, hugging her back. "How's everything in New York? Tell me everything!" She shooed him back over to the sofa with her and he laughed. 

He told her about the girls argument and the fighting that had been happening. He shared about his attempting to plan some of the wedding stuff, but they were waiting until Blaine came to New York to properly go into it and about his band. "But what about you? How's the little one?"  
"Well, the scans are going well, the baby is healthy." Carole grinned.   
"How far along are you now?" Kurt asked, excited to have a little brother or sister running round. He knew for a fact he would spoil the kid whenever he saw them.   
Carole smiled. "Thirty weeks." She looked nervous. "Not long now..."  
  
"You'll do great, Carole." Kurt smiled. "You're a fantastic mother."  
The older woman smiled, and Kurt knew she was thinking of Finn. "Thank you, Kurt... you're such a good kid." She patted his cheek.   
"Have you thought of names? I know you said you're planning on keeping the gender a surprise."  
"We're not sure, but Burt suggested the middle name being Finn, and I loved that idea." She looked down a little, and Kurt nodded.   
"Love it." He told her, understanding. "If you need help with first names, don't hesitate to call." He chuckled. 

\------------

"Kurt! Blaine's here!" Carole called upstairs.   
He smiled, finishing drying his hair and putting his towel back down in the bathroom, checking he hadn't left any evidence before heading back out into his room as Blaine walked in. He smiled, walking over and hugging the other boy. "Blaine! I..." He frowned a little when Blaine didn't really hug him back. "missed you... Are you ok?"  
"Oh, yeah, yeah." Blaine smiled, giving the other boy a quick kiss on the cheek.   
"Ok, what's up?" Kurt frowned, folding his arms over his chest as Blaine went and sat on the bed. 

Blaine sighed, looking around his room for a second before back up to the older boy. "You and Elliot?"  
Kurt stared at him for a moment. "Blaine, Elliot's just my friend and band-mate." He explained, walking over and taking his fiancés hand softly. "I promise. I don't think about him, or anything other man, that way, at all. Ok?" He asked softly, trying to get Blaine to look him in the eyes. 

"Ok." The younger boy smiled. "Ok, yeah, sorry. I... should trust you." He stroked Kurt's cheek with his thumb. "I DO trust you, I mean."   
Kurt smiled a little. "Thank you... I wouldn't do that to you, you know that, right?"  
Blaine smiled a little. "Of course." He answered, before changing the subject again. 

They ended up having a movie night before heading out to have a catch-up dinner with Tina, Artie and Sam.   
It was fun, and so good to see his friends again, even if Blaine was being somewhat reserved. He asked multiple times if his fiancé was ok, but he never got a straight answer. In the end, he apologised for making it seem he might be close to Elliot in a non-platonic way, and Blaine had cheered up after that. Kurt hadn't meant to make it seem like that. He didn't like Elliot that way, he hadn't even thought about it. He'd be more careful in the future, maybe he'd done it without meaning to...? Without noticing?

The next day he hung out with his dad while Carole was at work, he helped plan out the baby's room - AKA, Finn's room, which was why they hadn't gotten it sorted yet - and he wrote down a list of baby names that they WEREN'T under any circumstances allowed to use.   
When the day had turned into evening, his dad and Carole went out for a meal, and Kurt reassured them he'd be fine. He didn't want to interrupt their plans, he'd just go out with some friends. 

So he found himself at Sebastian's dorm room at Dalton, laughing as they chatted and hung out. They read, making idle conversation every so often. While Kurt lay on his front, sketching in his notebook, Sebastian remembered something he'd been meaning to ask for a while.   
"So, what happened at Scandals?" He found himself asking.   
Kurt raised a brow, putting his pencil down. "What do you mean?"

"Back in your senior year, you mentioned it to Blaine when we were there?" Sebastian explained, placing his book to one side. "You don't have to tell me-"  
"Oh, it was nothing, really..." Kurt shook his head. "Besides, it's kinda embarrassing..."  
Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Well, now you HAVE to tell me." He chuckled, shuffling round on the bed so he could show he was paying attention. He offered his best innocent smile and Kurt rolled his eyes, pushing himself into sitting. 

"Fine, ok, so, senior year was... difficult." He sighed. "We were doing a production of West Side Story, as you know."  
Sebastian nodded, not interrupting, showing he was listening.   
"Well, that's when Blaine went to Dalton to invite the Warblers to see the show, and he met you and all of that stuff happened. And we went to Scandals as you requested." He explained, and Sebastian smiled a little at that. It seemed so long ago now. "And Blaine got absolutely shit-faced, and, well, when we were leaving he decided it was a good idea to..." He shrugged a little, looking down in embarrassment. "to try things, in the back of my Navigator."   
  
Sebastian frowned. "Did you agree?"  
"Not exactly." Kurt sighed, not noticing Sebastian's look. "He was drunk, and I tried to get him to lie down and he kept on... pulling me to him and everything. And eventually I snapped, because he wasn't exactly listening to me, and he got mad at me and stormed off."  
"He... Ok, let me wrap my head around this, he didn't listen to the word no, and kept trying to force you to do things, and then HE got mad at YOU?" Sebastian questioned. Just when he thought Anderson couldn't get any worse...

"Yeah, but-but he was drunk! So... it..." Kurt trailed off at the other boy's look. "It doesn't matter."  
Sebastian nodded a little, offering a sympathetic and soft smile. "Kurt... It ALWAYS matters." He looked him in the eyes, his own ones pleading.   
"Well, regardless, after the play the next day, we made up and... finally did do... IT." Kurt continued. "He did really good at playing Tony." He smiled down at the sheets of the bed. "And he made some good points about our relationship, and I figured, you know, he's the love of my life, why shouldn't I want to be that close to him?" He looked back up to Sebastian, not able to make out what his expression meant. 

Deciding against calling Blaine out on his bullshit - because this was obviously a seriously sensitive topic for the older boy - he shook his head. "Do you regret it?"  
Kurt frowned a little. And gave a tiny shaky of the head. "N-no, no, I loved Blaine, and I was ready..."  
"Ok, ok... I mean, I wouldn't have wanted my first time to be under those circumstances, but I wasn't there." He shrugged. "I'm probably not understanding the full story." He added, seeing Kurt look sort of angry. Then something occurred to him. "Why didn't you play Tony? Or a bigger role? It WAS your senior year."  
Kurt paused for a second. "Oh, well, you know, I DID audition for Tony, but..."  
"But?"

He sighed, shrugging a little. "Blaine's version of 'Something's Coming' was perfect, you know, I'm not exactly the right architype for Tony." He gave a small smile that didn't meet his eyes. "I had a lot of fun auditioning though, you know, singing 'I'm the Greatest Star' while whizzing around a big metal scaffolding is always fun." He chuckled. "But it wasn't meant to be. I'm not 'masculine' enough to play Tony." He shrugged. "Blaine didn't mean to take the part from me, we'd already talked about it beforehand."  
Sebastian watched him for a moment. "So, let me get this straight... Blaine promised you he'd let you, as a senior, audition to play Tony, since he was a junior and would have a shot at the lead in HIS own senior year, and then turned around, and sang one of Tony's biggest songs for an audition for who? Officer Kripky?" 

Kurt nodded a little.   
"Ok, and instead of turning down the roll when offered it... He accepted without even talking to you about it? And didn't say anything to your friends about YOU playing Tony, as you'd agreed before?" Sebastian continued, earning another small confused nod from the older boy. "And, you know, didn't even offer to help you when your friends were mocking you and saying lies about you?"  
"It wasn't a lie." Kurt rolled his eyes. "Can you seriously see ME, playing someone as masculine as Tony?" He scoffed.   
  
"Yes." Sebastian answered, simply and quietly, watching Kurt with a look the other boy couldn't work out.   
Kurt's smile turned to a confused look. "Well, they couldn't. I don't blame them. Blaine made the perfect Tony." He sighed, shrugging and looking away.   
Sebastian sighed. "I had NO clue you auditioned for Tony originally. That play would have been so much better with you as the lead. You deserved it." He admitted, no jest or joking in his tone. When he realised how close the two were sitting now, he sat back. "Even though I 'hated' you back then, I thought you would have made a good Tony. And they could have at least given you a better roll than Officer Kripky."

"You can't be serious." Kurt shook his head, smiling modestly.   
Sebastian smiled softly, watching the other boy. "You don't realise just how talented you are..." He admitted, and Kurt looked back to him. "You're one of the best, Kurt." Kurt stared at him for a moment, unsure what to say to Sebastian being so... forward, so honest, no sarcasm or snide remarks. "Obviously not as good as me." Sebastian added, realising he should stop.   
Kurt rolled his eyes, punching him in the shoulder. "Oh, of course." He laughed. 

His phone started ringing and he looked to it. "Oh, it's Elliot. I'll be right back." He smiled, climbing off of the bed and heading out into the hallway.   
Sebastian groaned, placing his face in his hands and sighing. "Get a grip, Smythe..." He grumbled at himself. "Don't punch Anderson again... Don't get that close to Kurt..." He sighed. 

"Hi, Elliot." Kurt smiled as he answered the phone.   
"Hey, Kurt. Got a minute?" His band mate answered.   
Kurt nodded. "Of course, what's up?"  
"Well, Rachel's been staying with me, you know, because of the whole Santana situation. I just wanted to make sure I was getting the real story, because some of the things she's said sounds... insane." Elliot explained. "Mind if I ask you what really happened?"  
  
Kurt sighed, and began explaining. They talked for a while, before he said goodbye and headed back into the dorm room, closing the door behind him and sitting back down on the bed. "Sorry about that." He sighed, smiling before shivering slightly.   
"You should have bought a jacket, princess." Sebastian chuckled, jumping up and heading over to his wardrobe. "Here, it's baggy and comfy and, most importantly, WARM." He threw his big rugby shirt at the other boy, who caught it with a look of disgust. 

"Hell no, there is NO way I'm putting this shirt on." Kurt shook his head, causing the other boy to laugh, knowing how much Kurt hated that rugby shirt.   
"Fine, be cold." He shrugged, flopping back down on the bed.   
Kurt looked between the shirt, to him and huffed, pulling it over his head and looking down at the oversized shirt. It was comfy... 

Sebastian stared at him for a moment. Never had he expected anyone to look so good in his stupid old rugby shirt... But seeing Kurt wearing his clothes... buried in the warm, comfortable fabric and looking so pouty about it... He was possibly the most beautiful human he had ever seen. 

"I look atrocious." Kurt gurmbled.   
"You look adorable, princess." Sebastian smirked, offering a wink.   
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Seb."   
They both laughed and continued hanging out. 

\------------

"Lady Hummel, come here." Santana called over to him, and he sighed, distracted from his thoughts on needing to buy some more cover-up, he went through a lot of the stuff at work and he'd almost run out, but before he could come out of his room, he heard someone else walking across the floors of the loft. "I need your tiny, delicate, elfin-like fingers to help me fasten this weave. Ugh."  
"It's Elliott, actually." The newcomer spoke, and Kurt sighed, just letting them get on with it. Elliot had already told him what Rachel had been saying, and it wasn't fun to think about. Maybe Elliot and Santana talking could help somehow? So, he sat back down on his bed, continuing his sketching of some fashion designs. "And... that's a lot of hair."  
  
"I will take that as a compliment. Okay. It's all a part of my master plan to psyche out Berry so I can play Fanny Brice." Santana explained, and Kurt rolled his eyes. "First comes some amazing new hair, then, incredibly sexy rehearsal clothes, which she could never pull off, and then I'm gonna sneak into the theatre and tack up yearbook photos of her from sophomore year, when she was a chunky little butterball, just to remind her... hey, once a fatty, always a fatty. God as my witness, I will break her down."  
'Once a fatty, always a fatty'... Kurt looked down at himself, and frowned, attempting to ignore those words. 

He could practically hear Elliot roll his eyes, he'd told Kurt on the phone that Rachel had been planning similar things for Santana. "Oh, girl, this is so high school-"  
"Okay, life is very high school, just with bigger stakes, and if you knew Berry the way that all of us did, you would be applauding me." The girl shrugged. "In the beginning, it's all sunshine and giggles and stickers, and then, the second that you want the same thing as her, a dark cloud comes over her whiskery little chin. And she will chew you up and spit you out, like a Jewish Hillary Clinton."  
Elliot sighed. "You know, I... I'm actually just here to get her sheet music. Do you know where she keeps it?"  
"Up her butt."  
Another sigh. "Seriously. She asked me to come here and pick it up, and, you know, she's moving into my apartment-"

"Whoa!" Santana stopped him from talking, and Kurt could hear her stalk across the loft to him, probably folding her arms in that threatening way she did. "Wait. Wh-Wh-What did you just say?! How could you do this to me? You are such a traitor!"  
Kurt rolled his eyes. Anyone who refused to pick a side with either of the girls, is automatically a traitor, apparently. But Elliot was already voicing his thoughts. "Well, A: I hardly know you, so I'm not really being a traitor. And B: she needed a place to stay, and I needed the money."

"You need money?"  
Elliot scoffed out a laugh. "Well, yeah."  
Kurt could tell Santana was smiling now. "Huh. Well, maybe Auntie Snixx could help you out with that."  
"Before you continue, I'm just gonna say, don't go roping me into your horrible plans." Kurt told the girl, finally coming out of his section of the loft and heading toward the kitchen. "Hi, Elliot."  
"Hey, Kurt." Elliot smiled. 

\------------

"Rachel, you're late!" Gunther told the girl as she finally walked through the door, over an hour late.  
"I'm sorry, I was at a fitting." She explained, wrapping her apron round her waist and flipping her hair back.   
Gunther shook his head. "Table Five... they've been waiting for you."  
"Well, here we go..." Kurt muttered to Danni as they hung out at the counter while they had no tables. Danni behind, filling up the sugar shakers, and Kurt sitting atop the counter, wiping down the menus. Danni offered an apologetic smile, she knew exactly what was going on through Santana, and she wasn't happy about it either. 

"Hi, Rachel." Santana smiled from the table, overly polite and clearly being bitchy.   
Rachel frowned, stopping in her tracks. "What's going on here?" She demanded. "What's going on here? We have a fatwa against her, remember?" She asked Elliot, who sat next to Santana, with a script in hand, looking out of his depth now that both the girls were here.   
"Actually, I am paying Elliot to run lines with me, and they are going to be letter-perfect by the time you have the tragic accident that side-lines you and leaves you horribly disfigured; Or did that already happen? I can't..."

"Okay, for the millionth time, that is never, ever going to happen. I gave you the apartment, I gave you Kurt, and you are never... let me repeat... ever gonna play this part. Ever, okay?" Rachel demanded, folding her arms. Kurt frowned, he wasn't an object to be passed about whenever the girls weren't needing him. "But you can't take my new best friend."  
"You don't own him, Rachel." Kurt reminded her, frown still present.   
Rachel turned on him, angry - and overdramatic as ever, and that was coming from him. "I'm not speaking to you, traitor!"

Kurt rolled his eyes, receiving a half-comforting pat on the shoulder from Danni. Gunther walked back over to Rachel.   
"Rachel, Table Three is requesting a number." The manager explained. "The husband and his wife have been coming here every year for the wife's birthday. Her name is Gloria, and she requested a certain song be performed."  
Rachel shrugged. "'Happy Birthday'?"  
"'Gloria' by Laura Branigan." Gunther corrected. 

"Okay, well, Ronnie, in that case, even though I'm off duty, I think I'll take the lead on this one, since Rachel obviously couldn't handle that song." Santana stood, dusting herself off of imaginary lint and giving her best smile. "Come on, bestie, back me up." She turned to Elliot, who looked between the two girls.   
"Oh, you know, why don't you back both of us up, and then at the end you can decide which one of us is better." Rachel demanded, and they both began duel-singing again. Kurt rolled his eyes, this was all becoming tiresome. His friends were both talented, beautiful, smart girls. They should have been working together, not cutting each other down and attacking each other over something so meaningless. 

He felt bad for Elliot, stuck in the middle of their bickering, much like he himself was. He looked about ready to move to another country and change his name.   
Once the song was finished, the two girls whirled round to Elliot, crowding him. "All right, Starchild, it is time to settle this once and for all. Who was better?" Santana demanded.   
Elliot scoffed, shaking his head. "You're both pretty... and... I'm not gonna pick sides or choose favourites or anything..."  
"Yeah, well, sometimes you have to." Rachel stated, folding her arms.   
"Well, maybe, but not me, and not for this." He shook his head, taking a step back. "You know what, until you guys can figure out your stuff, I'm done... I'm done with the band!" He shot an apologetic look to Kurt, who was trying to wrap his head around how his band was being destroyed because of something that wasn't even his fault. Maybe it was, maybe it WAS all his fault. "Yeah."  
  
"What?" Santana asked, frowning.   
Elliot shook his head again. "You know what, Santana? You can find a new singing partner. Rachel, you can be my roommate, but I'm not your new 'best gay'."  
"Ha!" Santana smirked at Rachel.   
Elliot turned to him then. "And, Kurt, you might be used to this kind of drama, but I'm not. I'm over it." And with that, Elliot exited the café. 

Kurt watched him go before shaking his head, grabbing his jacket from behind the bar and yanking it on, jumping down from the counter and turning to the two girls. "Thank you very much." he told them, anger present in his voice. "Maybe next time you have an argument you can do it without ruining whatever good I have going on in my life?" Before they could say anything else, he left the cafe, rushing after Elliot. "Elliot! Please, wait!"  
"I'm sorry, Kurt, I can't be in the band if those two are at each other's throats all the time, and-and trying to get us to pick sides. I shouldn't be being brought into all this."  
  
"I know, I know, Elliot, honestly." Kurt agrees, walking with him, hoping he'd at least slow down because this stress probably wasn't very good for him, not so soon after he got out of the hospital. Not with everything else going on. "I'm not going to beg you to stay in the band, not with those two... I-I might have an idea..."  
Elliot stopped at that, turning to Kurt and nodding a little, ready to hear what he suggested.   
  
\------------

"There's no point in trying to broker the peace, Kurt." Santana shook her head, frowning. "I am not interested."  
"Neither am I." Rachel added, more or less copying the same stance the other girl took.   
Santana looked to Kurt. "Although, if you can clear out some space for us here, I would be happy to settle this Lima Heights style. Two men enter, one man leaves."  
Kurt rolled his eyes, tired of this. So. Fucking. Tired. "Okay, I'm gonna give you both one more chance to put the stupidity aside and act like adults."

"Okay, my feelings are my feelings, Kurt, and they're not gonna change, even if Santana admits that she was wrong." Rachel offered her bitch smile. "You broke this."   
"I'm gonna broke something, but you are literally-"  
"You broke it."  
"-The most selfish bitch I've ever met." Santana finished, glaring at the smaller girl. 

Kurt threw whatever he was moving around onto the table, folding his arms and looking between the two girls. "Okay, we promised each other that we would stick by each other for two years, and you guys haven't lasted for two months, because you don't care about anyone but yourselves." He looked from Rachel to Santana, both girls looking confused. "How about me?" He hardly ever pulled this card, he didn't like to act the victim, he didn't like to tell anyone else his issues, but he missed his friends and they were grating on his nerves, and his mental health. Someone had to do something, and - as usual - it was down to him. "How about the fact that I lost my roommates, huh? Or the fact that you scared off Elliott and now he wants to quit the band?"

"This has nothing to do with the band, Kurt, okay?" Rachel told him, patronising. Of course she would think that, both the girls wouldn't care if the band completely split up, or if Kurt's life went down the drain simply because of their argument. His whole life could fall to pieces and the two girls would still refuse to back down. "Santana and I are both professionals."  
Santana nodded. "Exactly. Blink 182 hated each other and still found a way to continue to suck as a band for years."

Kurt huffed, he was becoming just completely DONE with them at this point. "Oh, you know, you guys don't have to worry about the band, because you're out." He told them, ripping off the band-aid. He folded his arms, his expression neutral, showing he was serious. He could feel a slight pulling in his chest and he knew he'd have to spend the next day or so trying to relax, he didn't exactly want another heart-attack.   
"What?!" The girls both demanded at the same time. 

"Pamela Lansbury is dead. I'm starting a new band with Elliott and Danny." He explained. "It's gonna be a trio."  
Santana looked pissed. "Okay, wait, so my own girlfriend agreed to kick me out of the band?"  
"Your girlfriend wants to sing and have fun," Kurt reprimanded her, trying not to glare. "and she knows that's impossible with you still in the band." He went into his bag, coming back over with some flyers. "Okay, here is a flyer for our first gig." He handed one each to the girls. "I hope the two of you can declare an armistice long enough to come and watch us play." He told them, before heading into the bathroom.   
  
"Thank you, Kurt." He heard Rachel call after him, and then muffled voices; "Well, Santana, I hope that you can rise above, because I wouldn't miss it for the world."  
"Okay, well, just make sure that you stay on your side of the club, dwarf."  
"I think I saw a squirrel come out of the back of your hair."

\------------

Kurt looked down to his phone as a call came in. He had enough time before the show, so he pressed to answer. "Hello?"  
"Kurt Hummel?" A voice answered.   
"Yes, that's me?" Kurt sat down on the amp, unsure what this call was about. He feared the worst, his mind instantly going to something being wrong with his dad, or Carole and the baby. Or maybe even Blaine, or Sebastian.   
"Sorry, you must be confused, I'm Richard Melne, I'm a producer in New York, NYADA has been talking a lot about you," the man on the phone explained, and Kurt felt like he wasn't able to breath. "Listen, we have some productions in the work, but we were wondering if you'd be willing to come in and read for the roll of Arthur Kipps, in a stage production of The Woman in Black?"  
  
Kurt tried to force him brain to start working. "Uh-uh, yes! Yes, of course! When?"  
"We have slots available tomorrow, around mid-day at the sunmowe theatre in downtown."   
"Of course, I'll come by, thank you!" Kurt smiled.   
"No problem, Mr. Hummel, we have a scout at your show tonight, just to see how you perform live, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow."  
Kurt took a shaky breath. "Thank you, thank you so much, ok, bye..." He stared at his phone for a moment, before Danni got his attention. The theatre where the audition was going to be was close to another venue he was looking at for the band anyway, so it wasn't out of his way or anything. 

"Kurt, the girls are here." Danni informed him, and he sighed, heading up to the curtain where the girl stood, seeing Rachel and Santana sat near the bar.   
He sighed. "Let's just hope they don't start fighting here in the bar..." He muttered, earning a small chuckle from the other girl. "Showtime. You ready?"  
"Born ready, babe." Danni grinned, going to grab the microphones as she handed Kurt his. "We got this, ok? Go get 'em, fearless leader."  
Kurt grinned, glad Danni was still his friend and still wanted to perform with him and Elliot. "Let's do this."

He headed up onto the stage, looking out at the people, knowing one of them was here to see how he performed before his audition. Trying not to let his nerves get the better of him, he pushed him anxiety down, focusing on getting the message across to the two girls who sat at the bar. "Hello, everybody. I'm Kurt, and welcome. I know most of you were excited to see Pamela Lansbury perform tonight, but unfortunately, I have some sad news." He took a deep breath. "Pamela Lansbury... c'est fini."  
"What?!" Someone shouted, and Kurt recognised him from some of their other gigs.   
  
"Yeah, but do not worry, because rising from the ashes like a phoenix, I give you New York's new singing thruple... One Three Hill!" He motioned tot he side, where Danni and Elliot walked onto stage, smiling and waving. "Thank you. Thank you. Uh, you know, a year ago, had someone asked me if I thought I'd ever be a part of a singing trio, I would have said absolutely. Maybe not this combination exactly, as amazing as they are-"  
"Shut up and sing!"  
He sighed, rolling his eyes. "But, uh... I guess it's like what they say. Life is one long and windy road, and you're never sure what might happen." He smirked. "Speaking of which..."

The performance with his friends was amazing, as always when they performed on stage to an audience. He missed his girls, but life was what it was. He just hoped they'd come to their senses eventually. 

\------------

Kurt headed up the stairs to the loft, chatting with Danni. He paused when he heard voices coming from the apartment, and he soon figured out that it was Santana and Rachel. Talking. Like civilised humans...   
"I just don't understand. Like, why my part? Why my understudy?"  
"There was an opportunity and I took it. You would have done the same thing, and then you would have fought to take down whoever was in your way. Even if it was me."

Kurt headed in, pretending he was still having a conversation with Danni. Perhaps he could convince the girls to stay for coffee? Maybe some dinner and some wine and movies? "In New York City, ask for a black coffee... Well, you two in the same room and there are no stitches?" He smiled, placing his shopping down. "That's an improvement."  
"We were just gonna rehearse." Danni smiled as well. "Uh, Kurt picked out the best trio song ever-"  
"I was just leaving." Rachel told them, glancing at Kurt. He frowned. The girls had been talking, they'd been somewhat getting along, not arguing... as soon as he comes in though...  
  
"Yeah, I'm gonna go, too." Santana shrugged, heading toward the door.   
Danni stopped her, softly placing a hand on her arm. "No, no, no, babe, stay. It'll make me feel less guilty about being okay with Kurt kicking you out of the band..." She offered a small grin, hopeful her girlfriend wasn't mad at her too.   
"I have to go to work." Santana explained, giving Danni a quick peck on the lips.  
  
Elliot wondered in, having heard the conversation as he placed his own shopping down on the table. "Hey, for the record, I think you guys are both amazing." He told them. "If you manage to patch things up at some point, I would love to sing with either of you or... cook some curry."  
"We all would." Kurt added softly.  
Rachel shrugged. "Right, well, I don't really see that happening any time soon, and I have to go to rehearsal." She headed to the door. "Excuse me."  
"You're a traitor." Santana jokingly - at least mostly joking - told her girlfriend, kissing her again. "Bye." And with that, she headed to the door as well. 

\------------

"Mr. Hummel." The director smiled, shaking an anxious Kurt's hand. "Carmen Thibodaux has told me a lot about you."  
Kurt nodded a little. "Hi, um, has she?"  
"Yep, she says you've got a lot of potential," He handed Kurt some papers. "You definitely have the look we're looking for, are you a horror fan, Mr. Hummel?"  
  
"Kurt's fine," Kurt smiled, trying to relax. "Um, yeah, I love horror, it's one of my favourite genres. And-and the Woman in Black is a great film, I even have the book back home in Ohio."  
The director smiled. "I see, well, that's certainly a plus in your favour. We're going to need someone who can portray a good mix of fear and curiosity, obviously you know the context behind this production, the character we'd like you to audition for?"  
"Of course, yes." Kurt nodded. "To tell you the truth, I've always wanted to have a part in a horror production."

"Good, I'm glad. So, are you religious, Kurt?"   
Kurt shook his head a little. "Um, no, no, but a lot of my close friends are, one of my roommates is actually Jewish and a few of my other close friends are Christian." He explained, though he was worried, knowing the book this play would be based on had a lot of things to do with religion and how that goes into the afterlife.   
The director nodded. "Don't worry, Kurt, we don't expect everyone who auditions to be religious, as long as you're comfortable portraying it."  
"Of course!" Kurt quickly answered. "I-I know why, I mean, Arthur as a character needs to question all of that stuff, so..."

The director smiled again. "Don't look so anxious, Kurt. Now, I assume with your acting abilities - or so I've heard from Carmen - you could easily play the kind of emotion we're looking to see from this production. Any experience being... scared? Nervous? Unsure of the things around you?"  
Kurt looked to one side, taking a deep breath. "You have no idea..." He muttered.   
"Ok, that in your hands is the script. I've asked Tabatha and Martin to come and help us read lines, we'll be reading through and playing out the scene in the inn, when Arthur first arrives. Think you can handle it?"

Kurt nodded with a smile, greeting the other actors as they shook his hand. 

\------------

Kurt couldn't help smiling as he exited the theatre, perhaps things were looking up? He'd looked at the newest venue for the band, it was amazing, lots of potential for new fans as well. Carmen had for some reason been telling people he was talented. The producer of the production seemed to like him for the part of Arthur, and the theatre he might get a chance at performing it at was incredible. 

"Hey, stranger." he smiled, answering the phone to Sebastian. "Missing me being in Ohio already?"  
"Don't get cheeky, Hummel," Sebastian retorted. "Ohio sucks without you, you should know that. Anyway, thought I'd let you know I've put in an application for a flat, down in Cypress Hills, not too far from Bushwick actually. God, I cant wait until I'm out of this town and in New York."  
Kurt grinned. "Oh my god, yay! You'll have to send me some pictures of the place so I can start planning what furniture you need, if I leave it to you..."  
  
"Oh hush, princess." Sebastian chuckled. "Pretty soon I'll be in New York with you guys."  
Kurt couldn't help but smile at that. Another good thing was happening, Blaine, Sebastian and possibly his other friends would be moving to New York, he'd be able to see the ones he loved - along with his friends who were already here - a lot more often. Who knows, seeing people more often might help improve his mental health? "Can't wait."   
"I can hear that smile of yours from here, princess." Sebastian laughed. "Enjoy the rest of your day, I'll send you the link ASAP."  
"Bye, Seb!" He hung up, looking at the link his best friend had sent him. It looked like a nice area, a good looking converted piece of housing. 

Another good thing to add to the rest. For once he had a growing list, he felt as if he might actually find some comfort and solace in his life. 

Maybe things were actually coming up Kurt for once?

But no... no, life was never that kind nor that.... forgiving to him. It happened quickly, and the pain erupted through his temple as his head collided with the brick wall of the alleyway.   
As he tried to gain his composure and pull his fists up, he was pushed back against the wall, a large hand quickly muffling any sound that he could have hoped to make. He still tried, his throat soon hurting from the attempted shouting and struggling. He wasn't going to go down without a fight, that was for sure. 

But the guy was strong, harsh and hateful words meeting his ear and he begged to be released. Tears fell and tracked his cheeks, and he sobbed. 

He sobbed into the hand that kept him hostage, as he stared at the street, praying for anyone to come past and save him. 


	36. Losing

Kurt wasn't sure how long he'd sat there, on the floor of the lounge, staring into space and not noticing his surroundings at all.   
Why did the world hate him so much? Sometimes, he wondered if there WAS a god, because it must not have just been bad luck all the things that went wrong for him. Perhaps Christians were right, perhaps god was simply punishing him for being gay.   
  
He tried not to let his mind wonder to what had happened however long ago now, to the man who had held him to a wall. A stranger, trying to take advantage of how little people in New York cared what happened around them.   
"Kurt?" Santana's voice came, but he couldn't focus on it, continuing to stare across the room as he sat there, arms wrapped around his legs, vaguely aware of the pain in his back from sitting here for so long. Soon the girl was kneeling down next to him. "Kurt?" She asked again. "What's going on? Are you ok?" She asked, a worried crease to her brow. When he didn't really respond, she shook his shoulder, watching him jump back, looking almost scared. "Are you ok?"   
  
He forced himself to blink, to look to her, trying to settle the tightness in his shoulders. "Yeah, yeah, I'm ok." He muttered.   
She didn't look convinced, he wasn't surprised.   
"Really... sorry, long day..." He explained, shrugging a little, trying not to wince at the pain pulling on the tops of his arms where he was sure new bruises were. He didn't want to look, because he was sure he would feel disgusted, and useless, having not been able to defend himself.   
  
He hadn't known what to do, he was pushed up against the brick wall of the alleyway near the theatre, a strong, large hand forced over his mouth in a way that meant he couldn't even bite whoever it was. He couldn't shout out. Horrible slurs and words filled his ears and he felt tears stream down his cheeks, shaking as he tried to force the guy off. His other hand gripped the top of his arm, leaving what Kurt could only assume was a deep bruise and he whimpered, trying to plead with him, though he couldn't get any words out properly.   
  
This was it. This was ACTUALLY going to happen to him... Of all he'd survived in his life, of all he'd been through, he had never imagined anything like this. Well, that was a lie. Once, he had wondered when Karofsky had force-kissed him, if that would have turned to something worse. It hadn't, and Kurt had been safe from that sort of twisted shit.   
  
"Hello?" Someone shouted down the alleyway, and the distraction gave him leeway, he bit down into the mans' hand, extracting a loud shout, before twisting his knee up into the man's groin, and managing to get out of his grip, running and not looking back, even when whoever it was who had unknowingly saved him asked if he was ok. He just kept running, and running until he got on the subway, heaving for air, pushing his sleeves into his eyes to stop the tears.   
Whoever it was that had saved him, he wished them all the goodness they could ever have in their life. Right at the last second, he'd been given a way out from a world-ending act that he doubted whoever that creep was would feel remorseful for.   
  
Nobody on the tube payed attention to the little crying teen, why would they? They had no clue what had just happened to him, they didn't know how his life had almost been over.   
Kurt was sure it hadn't hit him properly yet, though his hands shook and his body was still reacting with anxiety to the idea of what could have happened to him, he was sure it hadn't settled in his mind yet. It'd probably hit him later when he'd trying to sleep, or if Blaine phones him and he gets reminded that he has a fiancé a few states over, who was blissfully unaware that in a messed-up, round-about kind of way, he'd almost been cheated on. He couldn't believe that's where his mind had first gone to when thinking about Blaine, but he wasn't exactly in a sane state of mind at the moment.   
  
As soon as he'd gotten home, he'd stopped for a moment, unsure what to do, before he'd curled up on the floor where he still sat now, Santana watching him like he was about to do something stupid.   
He offered a short smile, nodding a little. "I'm ok, Santana." He reiterated. "Just tired."  
She nodded slowly, still not fully convinced. "Ok. Well, I'm gonna order some food before work, wanna watch some crappy TV?"  
  
For now, all he wanted to do was curl up in bed and wallow in self-hatred, to go to the bathroom and vomit his guts up and cut into his own flesh, to go for a run - if the idea of going outside again today didn't scare the shit out of him. But the girl was already worried, so he nodded, putting on a kind smile and letting her offer her hand and help him up from the floor. His back was protesting at being there for so long now, and he stretched a little, wincing at the sting. "What are we watching?" He asked, forcing what had happened - or, almost happened - to him to the back of his mind, for now. 

\------------

At this point, the girls continued arguing was really beginning to get jovial, and annoying. He found himself massaging his temple as he had listened to Santana bitch about Rachel; as if he hadn't been at work that day to hear it all anyway. He was somewhat glad he was returning to Vogue.com tomorrow, then he could focus on something other than this incessant and ridiculous argument.   
"Santana, as much as I love and never get tired of this constant bitching, I'm gonna get changed out of my uniform." He wondered off into his room, ignoring the girls' colourful words that followed him.   
  
Pulling off the red shirt, he winced, looking down at the deep bruising that covered the top of his arm, hidden by the short sleeves of the shirt. It was ugly, deep purple and black mixed together, marring his pale skin. It hurt, a lot, but he had tried not to let on, even when Rachel had shoulder nudged him after telling him a joke and had hit him right in the middle of the bruising.   
He grabbed some aloe Vera from his side table, smoothing the cooling gel over his bruise and hoping it would help it heal.   
  
Just looking at the bruise reminded him of how close he had been to being... He clenched his eyes shut as nausea crept up his throat, trying to will it away, but he soon headed to the bathroom and locked the door, just managing to turn on the shower to disguise any noise from the rest of the loft, before he fell to his knees in front of the toilet, gagging and heaving and gripping his scalp.   
  
He couldn't thank the mystery person enough for saving him, even if they hadn't known that was what they were doing. But it shouldn't have happened in the first place, he shouldn't have been in that situation. Nobody should ever be in that situation. It made him feel dirty, unclean, violated. And weak. Because he'd not been able to defend himself.   
  
He lost track of time once again, not knowing how long he spent in the bathroom, but he knew Santana was heading out to meet Danni, so he could spend all night in the small room if he wanted to.   
  
\------------  
  
"Hey, Sebastian, how are you?" Kurt asked as he curled up in bed after a few hours. His stomach hurt, his nausea remained, but he couldn't continue sitting on the bathroom floor anymore. Especially since his chest had started to hurt and he didn't want another heart attack. He wrapped his blanket around his shoulders, moving his laptop round so his friend could see his face through Skype. He knew he looked tired, but there wasn't much he could do about that right now.   
"Hey, princess." Sebastian smirked. "Bored, but we're having a party for Colleen tomorrow, it's her birthday."   
  
Kurt smiled, Colleen was adorable, Sebastian's little sister sometimes liked to interrupt their video chats by running around the room. She was turning thirteen, if Kurt remembered properly. "I bet that'll be fun." His smile grew at Sebastian's annoyed look, clearly put-upon. "Don't give me that look, you love your sister."  
"Fine, I can't deny that. I'll miss her when I move out there." He smiled softly.   
"We should ask your parents if she can come visit sometimes, I'm sure she'd enjoy seeing some shows and everything?" Kurt suggested, and Sebastian chuckled.   
He nodded. "That would be awesome, but I don't know if my parents, well, if my dad, would agree to that. Don't think he'd trust me with her safety." He shrugged.   
  
"Yeah, I doubt my dad would trust me with my little brother or sister when they come along." He chuckled. "So, what's happening at the party?"  
Sebastian chuckled. "Well, some family is supposed to be coming over from France, but my dad can't make it and Colleen is pretty upset about it, but it's no different than usual. I can't remember the last time he even said 'happy birthday' to me." He shrugged. "He's always working, so."  
Kurt nodded in understanding. "I'm sure she'll have a great day, even if your dad can't make it."  
"Oh, definitely." Sebastian laughed a little. "I got her that skirt you sent me the link of, and a cardigan the same colour."   
  
Kurt beamed. "You actually took my advice, for once?"  
Sebastian offered him the finger, making him laugh, trying not to wince when his stomach protested. "Oh, shut up, Hummel. It was either something she would hate, or follow your advice. You're just too good at giving presents." He smirked, but his mind wondered back to when he'd first started to see Kurt differently, when he'd sneaked medical books for college into his bag.   
"Kinda wish I could come, just to see her face when she sees her amazing big brothers' presents." He chuckled, and Sebastian rolled his eyes.   
  
"Well..." Sebastian mumbled, and Kurt raised a brow. "Ok, so you know how we sometimes go back to France over summer break?"  
Kurt nodded. "Yeah, I thought you weren't going this year?"   
Sebastian smirked a little. "Well, my mom invited us over for a week, before I move to New York and get settled in."  
"It must be amazing in France..." Kurt mused, he'd often daydreamed about walking the cobbled streets and sipping coffee at tiny little cafes, seeing the Eiffel tower and shopping. Lots of shopping.  
  
"Hmm." Sebastian smiled. "Well... My mom asked if I wanted to invite anyone~"  
Kurt's eyes went wide. "Do not even joke about that Sebastian Smythe..."  
"I'm not!" Sebastian laughed. "She told me to ask you if you wanted to come with us, we have a few guest rooms over there anyway and I have my own annex on the property so it won't be that awkward meeting most of my over-bearing family members." He seemed somewhat nervous, but Kurt grinned, almost jumping up and down on the bed.   
"Of course! Oh my god, this is so amazing!" Kurt grinned, earning a laugh from Sebastian. "I need to buy some new clothes... I can't go to the fashion capital of the world in the clothes I have here!"  
  
Sebastian laughed, telling the other boy to remain calm. "Relax, princess!"  
"Ok, ok, I'm calm." Kurt answered, but a wide smile was still present on his face. "Why are your family over-bearing? I wouldn't have thought so?"  
Sebastian frowned a little. "Better to explain that one in person, Kurt." He shrugged a little. "It's a difficult story."  
Kurt nodded in understanding. "Sure, of course, sorry..."  
"Don't apologise, princess, it's fine." Sebastian couldn't help but smile. "Now, we do have something we have to think about."  
  
Kurt raised a brow, confusion evident. "What's that?"  
"What you're gonna tell Blaine you're doing for a whole week." Sebastian explained, and a look of realisation washed over the older boy's face.   
"Shit..." Kurt whispered. "I don't think I can lie to him about this, Seb... I know you want to keep it between us for now-"  
Sebastian shook his head. "If you want to tell him, we tell him together. If not... Niff have offered to tell him you're hanging out with them in France, because they're going on a couple holiday during summer break."  
  
Kurt thought through his options. "I'll have to think about it. I don't mind keeping our friendship from Blaine until you move here, because it's not technically lying and we'll explain as soon as you're both here... but, but this is like... proper, lying to his face..."  
"Sure, take some time to think about it, princess." Sebastian nodded. "But it's a definite yes to come with me?"  
Kurt smiled, nodding. "It's a definite yes."  
  
\------------  
  
The prospect of going on holiday in another country, and that country being France, a lifelong dream, had helped to distract him from thinking about the rough week he'd had.   
Planning outfits, googling activities to do at the area they would be - just outside Paris - and activities in the main city as well, he had been keeping himself busy. He'd agreed to tell Blaine that he was going away with Nick and Jeff, because he knew they'd be meeting up while they were there, so it wasn't exactly a lie.   
  
He felt bad about it, but he knew there was no ill-intent in lying to him, or bending the truth. He just knew it would be easier for all of them if he explained his friendship with Sebastian once he moved to New York the week after. Blaine wouldn't understand why he'd decided to tell him when he was about to go to France with his ex-enemy. No, it was easier and better for everyone to wait.   
Blaine had been confused at first as to why Niff hadn't invited him, but he was going away with his own family anyway, so he wished Kurt a good time with the other couple, knowing he could trust Kurt with the other boys.   
  
Kurt hummed as he worked in the kitchen of the diner, cleaning plates, when his phone rang. "Hi, dad-"  
His smile turned to a frown and he wondered out of the kitchen, hanging up his phone and looking to the two girls, who were bickering away out front. "Oh, my God..."  
"Now what?" Santana rolled her eyes. "Your band booked a huge gig playing a show at the Union Square subway station?"  
"Why do you want to know? So you can steal his dream, too?" Rachel asked, frowning.   
Santana offered a bitchy smirk. "Exactly."  
  
Kurt didn't have the time or patience to listen to them argue anymore. "It's Glee Club." He told them sternly, earning their attention. "They've been disbanded. They didn't win at nationals; they're turning the choir room into a computer lab or something." He shook his head. "And Sue isn't backing down this time. It's over."  
The girls shared a look, unsure what to say, same as himself.   
He didn't know how to feel himself, after all, they'd all grown up in that choir room, he'd been in love in that room, arguments and Valentines and Christmas's, singing and dancing and being so innocent compared to now. And that one, safe bubble of easier times, was being taken away as well... 


	37. The End of Glee Club (Part One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have been waiting for SO LONG to have some backstory about Sebastian and why he acted as he had previously. 
> 
> So, for those Seb stans who want more character building, here ya go!

He'd be lying if he said he was ready to go and face the end of the Glee club.   
  
Watching Santana pack up her stuff, he wondered if the girls would pull the claws back for their time travelling and hanging out back in Ohio? It would be nice to not have to listen to constant bitching and arguing; to not be caught in the middle of a seemingly endless fight, unable to even attempt to focus on his own shit because he was too busy worrying about theirs and trying not to have the girls find a reason to hate him as well.   
  
Sometimes he said the wrong thing, and the girls would get mad at him as well. When that happened? Well, it wasn't something he hadn't grown used to over the months. He would hang out on his own at the loft, fall into his usual tendencies, and just wait for them to include him once again. There was never an apology - from their side of the argument anyway - never a warning that the bitching would begin again, just a straight shot, back into the fire of name-calling and bitchy insults for absolutely no reason.   
  
He was simply growing so damn TIRED of it all.   
Not that the girls noticed that, they probably thought he was enjoying listening to this back and forth, or they just simply didn't care that he just couldn't bring himself to be that bothered anymore. What was the point? There was nothing he could do to stop it, after all, he'd tried. And things only seemed to get worse when he DID attempt to do something.   
  
"Are you gonna help me with this at all, elf?" Santana asked, folding her arms as she pushed the large suitcase out of her side of the loft.   
Kurt rolled his eyes, placing his phone back into his pocket after texting Sebastian back. "Just making sure Rachel's ready in the cab." He explained, standing and walking over with his own suitcase. "Here, open the handle and I'll get them both down there, the cabs' outside already." He took a hold of both suitcases and rolled them to the door.   
  
Santana headed down to the street to greet the taxi driver, leaving the countertenor to try and get the luggage down the staircase alone. He sighed, sometimes he wondered if Santana even saw him as a friend.   
  
\------------

"They argued the entire time." Kurt sighed, resting back in the car seat of Finn's all banged-up truck - which now belonged to Sam apparently.   
"Are they really that bad?" The blonde asked, driving them back toward Ohio from the airport. Rachel's dads had picked her up and Santana had her mother picking her up.   
Kurt let his anguish over the situation cover his face, earning a smirk from Sam. "You have no idea... It's constant, bitching and rumours and complete bullshit."   
  
Sam laughed at him, seemingly shocked that he was swearing so much. "Well, at least you don't have to live with it for the next week."  
"That's true..." Kurt mumbled, watching the world go by outside the window. "So, how come Blaine couldn't come?" He asked softly, he hadn't wanted to, but he thought his fiancé would be picking him up.   
"Oh, he's helping Mr. Shue, he said he'd meet you at yours, though." Sam explained, smiling as usual, though Kurt could tell it seemed duller.   
  
He watched the blonde for a moment as he drove, and decided to ask what was on his mind; "How have you been, anyway?" He asked, maybe he was just being paranoid. "We haven't really talked in a while..."  
"I'm great, man!" Sam answered, but his smile didn't meet his eyes, and he didn't take those eyes off of the road. "I mean, school's kind of harder, especially since McKinley doesn't exactly have much help for people with dyslexia... And I had a girlfriend, but then we kinda broke up, but she was super hot! And I've been tryna help out in Glee as much as possible, ya know, now Finn..." He trailed off, and they both sat in silence for a moment. "Sorry, that was ignorant-"  
  
"Sam, it's ok." Kurt reassured him. "It's a touchy subject, but it's not one you should avoid if you need to talk about it." Giving him a pointed look, he patted him on the shoulder, hoping his words would sink in. He doubted the majority of Glee was, or ever would be, over Finn's death. But everyone seemed to avoid the subject around him, like he would break or hurt them or himself if they mentioned it. He knew he was Finn's brother, but surely he didn't seem that breakable? It wasn't something he ENJOYED thinking about, but it was something he knew needed thinking about every so often, especially when emotions pent up. "If-if you do ever need to talk about it, you know I don't mind... right?"   
  
Sam glanced to him, nodding sharply. "Yeah, yeah, of course! Sorry, things have been super hectic this year..." He trailed off as they turned into Ohio.   
Kurt looked over the other boy again, something was going on with Sam, but it didn't seem too serious. He just hoped the other boy knew he had people to talk to if need be. "Or, you know, I mean I know you and Blaine are close, I'm sure you guys talk about all sorts of things."  
Sam grinned. "Yeah, BLAM! is the best friendship in the Glee club." He laughed, causing Kurt to chuckle. "We don't really talk about that stuff, though, too deep Blaine says." He shrugged with a smile.   
  
\------------

Ok, when Kurt agreed to come home, he honestly was hoping to FORGET the feuding that was going on, NOT to have multiple feuds revolving around Rachel Berry. Mercedes had been complaining at him all morning, saying how she was going to sit in the Rachel chair and how big a star she was that Rachel should at least congratulate her. He nodded along, honestly all this bad energy was just weighing down on him at this point.   
Rachel, however, had been complaining about Santana still, but told him all about how she felt Mercedes was strutting around like she owned the place. It took all his might not to ask her 'oh, like you do?' because he didn't want to argue with anyone this week. Not when Glee Club was dying around them.   
  
Santana was moaning mostly about how much she'd missed Brittany, which was - admittedly - a nice change of pace from the bitching. Don't get him wrong, there was still the jabs at Rachel in every other conversation, wearing him out even more, but helping her work out her feelings for Brittany was fine by him, he enjoyed helping his friends and not just being a punching bag for their complaints on one another.   
He just hoped Santana considered Dani and her feelings before she did anything in terms of Brittany. 

He just couldn't catch a break. 

So, when Mercedes walked into the choir room and caught Rachel's eye, he watched as the smaller girl rushed to her seat, the look on her face showing how above her friend she thought she was at the moment. He realised it was probably something to do with her arguments with Santana, but still. This was no way to treat each other. He decided enough was enough and glared between the two. "Greet each other." He warned them.   
  
Mercedes was the first to break the ice, and Kurt breathed a sigh of relief, even if her tone was strained. "Hello, Rachel. I am so happy to hear about all of your success."  
"Oh, thank you so much, Mercedes," Rachel nodded, knowing she was successful. He rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair. It was somewhat of an improvement he supposed. "And you are looking well."  
Mercedes nodded. "Thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll make my way to the back of the bus."  
Kurt offered a smile as she walked past him and sat behind him as Mr. Shue walked in.   
  
"100 lessons." He spoke as he wrote the big '100' on the board.   
Sam sat forward, glancing from Kurt and Rachel to the teacher. "Hey, can I get Finn's plaque when we clear this place out?" He looked back to Kurt again, nodding slightly. Kurt nodded back, offering a small smile. Well, if that was what might help Sam feel better, he wasn't going to stop him. He still felt bad that he still had Finn's jacket.   
Mr. Shuester smiled sadly. "No, the plaque stays here. Lillian and Finn belong here at McKinley." He nodded. "It means so much to me that so many of you came back on such short notice to celebrate the past few years. To sit in this room one last time... and sing.  
  
"Your assignment is to sing one of the songs we sang in here, but reinvented in some way. Way back in the old days, when I started the glee club, I would give an assignment, and then I would... I would give a little demonstration of what I was looking for." The teacher explained, and Kurt smiled as Mercedes patted him on the shoulder from behind and Blaine hooked his hand in his on the other side of him.   
"Yeah!" Sam cheered, making the group laugh and clap.   
  
"See, you all cheer now, but just wait till he starts rapping." Santana quipped, making the group laugh once again.   
Mr. Shue chuckled. "Okay, no hip-hop today, Santana. However, I have asked a very special person to come join me. And it seemed appropriate since her contributions helped save the glee club, or at least the auditorium way back when. Please welcome, all the way from Broadway, Miss April Rhodes!" He gestured to the door, where April popped through.   
  
"Hey, y'all!" She greeted, and the original Glee Club cheered, while the new ones just looked confused. As usual, Kurt could smell the alcohol on April, and he was reminded of his first stint with alcohol, days of being drunk on end had made him very ill back then, but now it was usual. He'd gotten better at handling his alcohol, that was for sure.   
He heard Tina whisper to Marley, snorting at what she said - and Marley's confused expression. "You know, she once taught me how to shoplift meat in my vagina."  
"Ew."  
April did a bow and laughed a little as she pulled out a bottle of wine. "Ok, gather round kiddies!" She told them, and they headed down to the front near the piano.  
  
\------------  
  
"So, Mr. Moneybags says to me, he says, 'April Rhodes, you sing like an angel and make love like a tiger. But the old ball and chain's got your number. So I'm afraid I gots to set you loose'." She explained, her stories as outlandish as usual, though Kurt didn't doubt they were real... The majority of the time... "So, you know what he did? He bought me an island! That's right. I own my own island in the Caribbean called Santa Abrilrodeo." She shrugged. "It's not war-torn or filled with landslides or got destitute locals in it. Just me and my manservant Kadeem. With long, sensuous nights full of home-brewed poi and intimate massage-"  
"Okay! Thank you, April, for that... wonderful lesson in female empowerment." Mr. Shue interrupted, much to the groups gratitude.   
  
"Amen!" April giggled, raising her empty glass.   
Kurt stepped forward. "Amen, but... why are we all holding these plastic champagne flutes?"  
She smiled at him, she'd always had a soft spot for him and never judged him for being gay. "Cause we are about to pop the cork with some bubbly. But don't worry, this Spumante is virgin. Probably like you will be for a long time." She pointed off tot he back of the group, though Kurt couldn't see who to. "Anyways... Will and I want you to raise your glass to celebrate the glee club by singing hands down the best song New Directions! ever did!"  
  
Blaine and Kurt shared a look and the ex-warbler stepped forward. "Wait a second, the New Directions! never sang 'Raise Your Glass', The Warblers did that."  
"I was wondering why it didn't annoy me every time I heard it in my head..." April mused, almost making Kurt laugh. "I always have had a soft spot in my heart for you prep school boys. Well... Honk!" She grabbed Blaine's nose as she had a habit of doing to the various members of the group. "Hit it, boys!"  
  
\------------  
  
"So, what are we watching?" Kurt asked, plonking himself down on the sofa next to his fiancé. Burt and Carole were at a late appointment at the doctors, so it was just the two of them at home for now.   
Blaine, who had been channel surfing for the better part of twenty minutes - Kurt had decided to have a shower and make coffees in that time while he decided - and it seemed he'd finally just left it on a random channel. Some documentary was playing and Kurt turned his attention to it after Blaine shrugged.   
  
It didn't take long for Kurt to realise what the documentary was about, and he grew uncomfortable and oddly warm, as if embarrassed. The documentary continued on, obviously ignorant to his plight that a show in Eating Disorders was playing.   
He glanced to Blaine, wondering if the other boy could feel his discomfort. But he seemed ignorant to it, so Kurt just tried to calm himself, though it seemed to be proving impossible.   
  
"How can someone let themselves get like that?" Blaine suddenly asked, eyes still trained on the TV. Kurt didn't know what to say, fiddling with his sleeves and trying not to be envious of the people they showed on TV, the ones Blaine seemed grossed out by. "Surely they know what they're doing."  
  
Kurt knew Blaine wasn't trying to make him uncomfortable, but he really didn't want to watch or talk about anything to do with this. "Maybe we should watch something else?" He tried, simply hoping to avoid the subject and get Blaine to change the channel.   
Blaine simply shrugged, not seeming to catch on at all. "Ya know, Sam said something when we were last in New York, you know, when I auditioned for NYADA." Blaine began, and Kurt nodded a little, still pulling at his long sleeves. "He said something about YOU looking skinnier than usual, or something. I mean, that's, ya know, why I asked you about not eating and stuff." He glanced to Kurt, not seeming to realise that his fiancé didn't feel as if he could talk without vomiting or stop himself from shaking. "I told him it was crazy, that you're fine. I'd know if you weren't." Blaine smiled with a shrug and picked up his phone.   
  
Kurt nodded a little, 'hmm'ing just so Blaine didn't think he was ignoring the conversation. He had thought Blaine had been worried about him, but it begged the question why exactly Sam had seemed to notice something. He shrugged it off, trying to make his mind work and his body settle down.   
"Why don't people just make them stop?" Blaine continued questioning the documentary, and - in order to stop him continuing to play it and pay attention to it, because it was completely setting Kurt off and wanting to make him vomit his guts out for days because he was nowhere NEAR as skinny as the people on TV were, he was just a fat, disgusting mess - he quickly kissed Blaine, strong and firm. And that was all the incentive Blaine needed. 

\------------

Kurt clapped once the girls had finished performing 'Toxic'. He really should sing a Brittany Spears song at some point... He still hadn't had a chance to. Maybe he'd talk to Cassie about a routine?  
"That is what I'm talking about!" Someone shouted, and he pulled himself out of his thoughts.   
Santana folded her arms, looking to Quinn's new boyfriend - who Kurt hadn't exactly talked to too much, but he didn't exactly need to, having heard how the other boy spoke and held himself told him all he needed to know - who looked up from his phone. "What did you think, Mr. Preppy McDimplebutt?"  
  
"Oh, I thought it was, um, very energetic." The boy blagged - horribly if Kurt might add.   
Puck shook his head. "Dude, you were texting the whole time."  
"Yeah, well, he's very busy." Quinn spoke up before any more questions could be asked. "He's, um, president of a... of a secret society and also captain of the water polo team." She explained.   
  
Kurt frowned, watching everyone going and congratulating the girls on a good song. He noticed Quinn slip away with her boyfriend and waited until he'd wondered off before heading over. "He's cute." He told her, smiling and accepting a hug.   
"But?" She retorted, knowing it was coming. He chuckled.   
"But..." He sighed, looking back to the choir room and nodding down the corridor. They began walking. "It wasn't just that he was on his phone, Quinn... He didn't even seem interested in the slightest." He began, though she didn't exactly seem willing to listen. He continued before she could interrupt him. "Look, I know we're not exactly likely friends or anything, but we were both on the Cheerios and we had fun, so I'm just gonna be honest regardless of if you want to listen or not."  
  
She sighed, but nodded.   
"I just don't think you should go hiding yourself just for the sake of a guy that seems like a douche. You're always at your best when you're allowed to be yourself, and no guy, no matter how cute and rich and popular, should ever make you forget that." He explained. "You have so much worth; with or without a man. And I just don't want to think about how one of my friends could be throwing herself from guy to guy just because she doesn't feel confident enough to own being single. College is a time to find yourself, and you have so much potential..." He trailed off, sighing and shrugging a little. "I love everyone in that Glee club and I know sometimes it's difficult and lonely, but you shouldn't forget who you are."  
  
Quinn shook her head, not saying anything for a moment. "Thank you for your opinion, Kurt." She told him, overly-polite. Patient, almost. And Kurt knew she hadn't listened to him. "But you don't know what you're talking about." She shrugged, turning on her heels and heading off after her boyfriend.   
Kurt sighed, watching her go, before Rachel came out of the choir room, apparently to ask him if he wanted to sing a duet of 'defying gravity' with her that week.   
  
\------------  
  
"Am I gonna need sun cream? Because I burn VERY easily." Kurt asked, flitting through a magazine.   
Sebastian laughed in response. "Don't worry, we always have a large supply of different factors, including the highest ones because of Colleen and the other kids." He shrugged. "Now, show me the map you've been looking at and the places you've planned out and I'll let you know how accessible they are." He smiled, turning so he was laying on his stomach next to his best friend.   
Kurt pulled the map from his bag, it was covered in post it notes, all places Kurt hoped they could see while they were in France.   
  
Sebastian let out a long whistle. "That's a lot of crap, princess." He laughed as Kurt thumped him in the arm, before he lay back down and they shoulders nudged against each other. "Good thing I don't like spending much time with the family."  
"Oh, come on, you love your family." Kurt rolled his eyes. "We don't have to do everything this time, I guess I can save up for a couple years time and come with you again, if your family will have me."  
  
Sebastian smiled, nudging his shoulder. "My mom's gonna love you, don't worry. She'll probably be offering to pay for you to come back every year."  
"Seriously? Parents usually hate me." Kurt chuckled.   
"We live in America, France is a lot more open and accepting of gay kids," Sebastian shrugged. "Besides, my mom loves clothes and is always looking for the best bargains, though she never acquired the taste quite like Isabelle, but she had more money growing up with her and my dad's parents, so... Ya know, she'll probably be asking for your advice constantly and trying to convince you to go shopping with her all the time."  
  
Kurt laughed at that. "I don't mind, but I won't exactly believe you about her liking me until I meet her." He shrugged.   
"Fair, but she will." Sebastian smirked.   
Kurt looked to him, resting his head on his crossed arms, making Sebastian flush because it was adorable to see Kurt so relaxed. "Isn't it hard not seeing her all the time?"  
Sebastian sighed. "I did say I'd explain about my family, didn't I?" he pushed himself up so he was sitting again, and Kurt followed his lead, sensing this would be a difficult conversation and he wanted to show he was listening, and that he was here for his best friend.   
  
"Ok, so, firs things first, my family is very close, but... very broken." Sebastian shrugged, not really looking at Kurt, who moved so he was sat next to his best friend, bumping his shoulder and leg into his to show he was here if he needed it. "I mean, my mom and dad always faught, and in the end it was agreed that they just didn't love each other anymore. It wasn't a messy break-up or divorce or anything, but it did effect us, mostly me and Leila."  
"She's your older sister?" Kurt asked softly, Sebastian hardly talked about her, but he'd mentioned that he didn't see her much.   
  
Sebastian nodded a little. "Yeah, I guess she took it the hardest, but I was still fairly young, I still took it bad." He explained. "Colleen wasn't around at this point, but we had young cousins that were basically siblings in France, but they were too young to understand what was going on. My mama decided to stay in France, and my Paps was heading back to the US, we were able to choose. Of course, we would visit the other parent either way, so we both chose our mama." He shrugged a little. "My paps didn't exactly care either way, he works majority of the time even now, so it's not as if he'd see us much regardless. He's an ass sometimes, but don't get me wrong, he's a good dad. He had a bit of trouble when I came out. but I think the fact I lived in France at the time helped ease him into it. My Mama was accepting straight away, and my grandparents were very accepting."  
  
Kurt nodded, showing he was listening.   
"I was about thirteen when I came out? I think? I guess if I was in America at that point I might have stayed in the closet longer, but growing up in France from a young age made it a lot easier for me I guess. But the year later and things started to get bad. Grand'Mere got sick and it didn't look like she'd get much better. It took months, but she died after about a year, and Leila got really bad..." He took a deep breath, and smiled a little in appreciation as Kurt took a hold of his hand and gave it a squeeze. "If I was fifteen or sixteen at this point, then she would be nineteen? She liked to party and sometime she hung around with the wrong crowd but she was a good person, the family troubles just hit her really hard and I guess she was trying to regain that control.  
  
"It's the same sort of thing I started doing after she had her... her 'accident', but I never got that bad, and I'll never LET myself get that bad..."  
"What happened...?" Kurt asked, his voice soft, barely above a whisper. He wouldn't push Sebastian.   
Sebastian took another deep breath. "One night, when we were over here with paps, about a week after Grand'Mere's funeral, I think mama just wanted us to have some time away and she wanted to look after grandpapa for a while, Leila went out. Papa was on a date with my step-mom; Venessa. He'd been with her since about a year after he split from my mom, we knew her well, I never really had an issue with her and I still don't, it just took a while to get used to it. Leila never really let herself get to know Vanessa, she still hadn't gotten over the divorce I guess and she was sort of resentful, thinking our step-mom was trying to BECOME our mom, even though I knew she wasn't.   
  
Anyway, uh, Leila went out and I tried phoning her a few times when she didn't come home... I was really worried and I didn't want to disturb my dad at all, ya know?" He shook his head. "I fell asleep..." He whispered, looking down at the sheets and squeezing Kurt's bony hand without realising. "She must have come home while I was out for the count, but I heard a loud bang come from her room, so I rushed to see what was going on... She must have been home for a little bit, but I..."  
Kurt squeezed his hand gently, not pushing, just encouraging. He could talk to Kurt, he wouldn't judge him. He knew this was difficult.   
  
"I found her on the floor... She was shaking really bad and-and... and froth was.... was coming out her mouth." He closed his eyes, shaking his head a little. "I tried to remember what school had taught us, the recovery position, phoning an ambulance, checking her pulse, all that shit... But, I was scared, ya know, I-I thought my sister was gonna fucking... DIE in my arms, and it would be my fault for falling asleep, because she'd clearly come home and overdosed on SOMETHING!" He clenched his teeth for a moment. "But I phoned the ambulance and my dad was called and I tried to keep her alive until they got there."  
Kurt swallowed thickly. "Is she...?"  
  
Sebastian nodded. "She's alive. She spent a long time in a recovery program she didn't want to be in. Since then my families been very... overbearing, I guess. My parents treat me like I'm gonna be the next one to run off and do fucking drugs... But after seeing her like that..." He shrugged a little. "I couldn't. I mean, yeah, I drink, but I'd never do drugs, just thinking about it makes me feel sick."   
Kurt nodded a little. "Where is she now...?"  
The Warbler sighed, smiling a little and actually looking at Kurt now that the hard part of the story was over. Kurt could tell he felt guilty over what had happened, but it hadn't been his fault at all. Leila was just going through things and she pushed it too far without getting help. "Well, she's been in and out of treatment, she's never relapses super bad, and she usually checks herself back in. Sometimes I think she does it so she can get away from mundane life for a while." He chuckled. "She's got surveillance sort of, ya know they have her in for therapy ever other week, they check she's taking her medication, all that stuff.  
  
"Sometimes she's travelled to France to see mama and the rest of the family, but after that I decided to stay over here with my dad and Venessa. I think they both feel guilty, and Venessa thinks it's her fault and she's admitted she likes having me around, even if I'm not home much. My mama makes sure we go back a few times a year, but this year's been really hectic, so this is the first time I'll be going home." He shrugged, looking to Kurt to see his reaction.   
Kurt smiled. "Thank you for telling me."   
Sebastian chuckled. "Thanks for listening... I've never really told anyone that..."  
  
"Do you feel better?" Kurt pondered, because most of the time, people seemed to feel at least a little better after telling someone.   
Sebastian shrugged a little. "It feels... good to have someone who I know I can trust enough." He sighed. "Flitting between France and America and acting out for a lot of my younger years had me moving schools quite a bit, not because I got expelled or anything like that, they just moved me around a lot because they thought another school could 'handle me better', same for Leila. So I never really got very close to anyone. The neighbour kids I was friends with had moved away unfortunately, so I was kinda alone other than my family. After I moved here officially, I moved schools a couple times because Americans are generally horribly bigoted and homophobic."  
  
Kurt giggled a little, because it was true. "I can't argue with that."  
"After a pretty rough fight that ended in a few guys being in hospital, possibly including myself... my dad suggested Dalton. He didn't want to force me, but he also wasn't giving me much choice. I was angry at first, I'd been angry and lashing out a LOT since Leila went away, and when I started here... it took me a while. I'll be honest, I was a dick and I took my anger out on everyone. They made me captain of the Warblers after a couple months, and they accepted me into the group despite my problems. And I grew to find this place was home. France and here..." He looked to Kurt, into his blue eyes. "My homes..." He whispered, forcing himself to look away. "And then I met Blaine, and then you and you know the rest, I guess." He shrugged.   
  
Kurt smiled, resting his head on the other boy's shoulder. "Thank you, Sebastian... For trusting me."  
Sebastian smiled, resting his head atop his best friends'. "Thank you... for being here."  
Both boys knew he didn't mean just today, but neither of them said anything. Sebastian still sometimes wondered how Kurt could have forgiven him for who he used to be, but he was so utterly glad that he did, and that he accepted his past. He still struggled, but he was learning to open up, and Kurt was a part of that. He'd slowly changed Sebastian into the boy he once was, and he hadn't really noticed too much, but he wouldn't change it either.   
  
"We should continue planning before Niff comes to find you." Sebastian interrupted the silence, and tried not to be too disappointed when Kurt's hand left his own, and his head left his shoulder. It felt cold without the older boy pressed against him in comfort.   
"Of course." Kurt chuckled, moving back over to the map. Sebastian watched him for a moment, before following.   
  
\------------

Niff had dragged Kurt to Breadstix that evening. Sebastian hadn't been able to join because of coursework, but Kurt understood. He probably needed some time alone after the emotional rollercoaster of explaining his past to someone.   
He overheard some of the members of Glee at another table, hearing Quinn and Biff talking and her telling him to ignore what her friends were saying about her past.   
  
Sighing, shaking his head when Biff wondered to the bathroom, he stood up. Quinn looked to be heading to the ladies herself, so he wondered over, digging into his bag and handing her a small tub of his cover up. "For the tattoo." He shrugged, having her her say about three layers of cover-up every morning. "Not that you should need it." He turned and headed to the bathroom, not waiting for her to say anything.   
  
He wondered in, heading toward a stall.   
"You're one of those... musical people, right?" Biff asked him.   
He nodded a little. "Yeah. Kurt." He offered a strained smile.   
Biff nodded, looking Kurt up and down. "Look, not that I don't like the gays, or anything, but can you like... wait until I'm done before you come in here? I just don't wanna risk a guy deciding to look at my junk." He shrugged, like it was a completely normal request.   
  
Kurt scoffed, shaking his head and pushing his anger down. "Look, sweetie," He stepped forward. "First of all, I'm engaged, second, not every gay man wants to see every other mans DICK. Three, just because YOU think you're gods gift to this earth because your family grows frigging apples, doesn't mean I'd be able to see anything without a microscope anyway. Got it?" He asked, overly patient and polite.   
Biff was frowning, growing red at Kurt's words. "I won't stand for this for a fag." He growled.   
  
"Tough shit. I need a piss, don't like it, leave." Kurt told him seriously before heading into a cubical.   
He heard Biff exit the bathroom, the door slamming behind him. He knew he'd probably tell Quinn, and the girl would probably be pissed at him, but he wasn't exactly going to stand for that bullshit. But he shook, reminded of what people used to say to him at school, all the bullying and the hatred, for no reason. No incentive to make them think or say those things.   
  
He quickly washed his hands and headed back out, making a quick excuse to Nick and Jeff before rushing out and heading back home.   
As soon as he got in he shot a quick greeting to his dad and Carole, before heading to his room and into his bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror, everyone's words coming back to him, including Biff's, and he throw his bag down on the counter, fumbling around and he shrugged his shirt off, and brought the little blade to his chest, pulling it across, again and again, one for everything hateful they had said to him.   
  
\------------

Mr. Shue stood at the front. Rachel had called a very tired, half-asleep (or half-passed out?) Kurt in the late night, informing him that their duet was now a diva-off with Mercedes. He'd sighed, agreed, and figured he'd just have to prove he could hit that high-note easily once and for all, even if the voting wouldn't be between Rachel and himself, rather Rachel and Mercedes. "All right, everybody, I wish I could say that this week isn't about competing against each other, but time for one last diva-off!" The teacher grinned.   
Members of the club wooped and cheered, but Kurt was too tired to really care. The only reason he was forcing himself to pay attention was because he was involved - somehow - in this sing-off.   
  
"And apparently, the only song we can sing in a diva-off is 'Defying Gravity'." The teacher continued, and Kurt gained knowing looks from some of the original members of the group.   
Santana spoke up, of course. "Wait. So we have to listen to Kurt shred that note again?"  
Kurt rolled his eyes in a fully-blown, overdramatic, can't be bothered with your shit, manner. "For the millionth time, I did it on purpose."  
"And after we're done singing the song, there will be a secret ballot where you guys can finally answer the age-old question: Who is the true star of the glee club, me or Mercedes?" Rachel explained. Kurt gave her a pointed look. "Or-or Kurt, maybe. But this is mostly between us two."  
  
He rolled his eyes again, of course he wouldn't be in the running. He watched Rachel and Mercedes do their renditions, before it was his turn, and he sung with all he could, Acing the high-note easily, earning a round of applause. He smiled, bowed, and headed back to his seat, earning a clap on the shoulder from Puck and Sam.   
"Bravo!" Mr. Shue laughed, stepping up to the front.   
"That song should be on the Broadway." April whispered to a couple members, who looked at her in confusion.   
  
"All right, let's stop playing around. It's time to vote." Mercedes demanded, folding her arms. Rachel agreed enthusiastically, nodding.   
Mr. Shue shook his head a little. "Actually, let's just take a beat and... and just enjoy how amazing those performances were. We'll sleep on it and vote tomorrow. But today, right now, you are all winners."  
'Apparently...' Kurt thought, but shook off the bitterness, he should have known he wasn't included in the diva-off, not really. Just a third-wheel once again. 

\------------

"So, you two are getting hitched? When's the happy occasion?" April asked the next day.   
Kurt and Blaine shared a look, and Kurt smiled. "Well, we don't know just yet."  
"We were gonna wait later in the year to set a date." Blaine added.   
"We're enjoying a long engagement."  
  
April smiled. "Oh, I'm so happy for you. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: The one thing this country needs more of is teen marriage. I got you a wedding present." She handed them both a bottle. "It's a little hooch!"  
"Oh."  
"Oh."  
She whispered the next part as if it were a secret. "It'll help dull the excruciating pain of your wedding night sodomy and the inevitable divorce that you're careening towards a couple months later." She clicked her tongue at them as Mr. Shue stepped forward. Kurt and Blaine glanced to each other before turning their attention to the teacher.   
  
"Okay, guys, we're having our secret ballot at the end of class, but before we get to that, Puckerman has asked to do a number."  
Puck stood up. "Actually, Mr. Shue, I was hoping for this number that-"  
"Hold up, hold up, Private Puckerman," Santana stood as well, gaining the attention of everyone else. "I'm gonna let you finish, but first, I would like to uphold the tradition of hijacking this glee club and making everyone sit through what is basically an intervention. Mr. Shue, you said that we could redo some of our favourite numbers, right?" The teacher nodded. "Well, then I want to do a dance duet with Brittany." She smiled.   
  
Kurt knew this was coming, Santana had explained her plan to him, and he'd even helped her think of the perfect song to do.  
"Hit it." Santana told the band, and she got into the newest rendition of 'Valerie'. Santana turned to Brittany afterwards, smiling. "See? This is who you are. This is what happens when you don't think about it." The two girls hugged.   
  
"I wouldn't want to follow that number, but, uh... if you're still up for it, Puck..." Mr. Shue asked, looking to the boy.   
Puck looked around. "Well, you know what, for my number, I think, uh... we should move to the auditorium."  
He'd explained to the rest of the glee club what he wanted to do, and they had all agreed, having a quick practice to make sure they remembered the dance, and they were set to go. Quinn obviously was emotional at the song, but Kurt doubted it was because of the number specifically. He nudged the others to all clear off and followed them out, giving the two some privacy. 

\------------

Mr. Shue grinned, clapping his hands together. "All right, everybody! No more drama. Time to vote for either Rachel or Mercedes."  
"Excuse me, Schuester," Santana was standing up again, and Kurt facepalmed, knowing exactly what was going to happen because it had been all he'd heard for the past month or so. "Before we cast another pointless vote in a meaningless contest that has absolutely no practical ramifications whatsoever, I would like to say some words about my good friend Rachel Berry." Rachel looked taken back, and Kurt sighed, this wasn't going to go well... "Rachel Berry... is THE most horrible human being on the planet."  
  
"What?" Rachel asked quietly.   
"Can it, troll."  
Mr. Shue shook his head. "Santana."  
But the girl wasn't done, she continued in her rant and the teacher stepped to one side, obviously knowing he couldn't change it. "You have sold half the people in this room down the river more times than I can count so that you can get a solo or the lead in a musical, and I'm pretty sure that you don't know the names of the other half of the people."  
  
"That's not true!" Rachel argued.   
Santana smirked. "All right, what is his name?"  
"Rick."  
Ryder shook his head, mouthing his name at her. Kurt was still facepalming, feeling a headache coming on.   
  
"Exactly. Thank you." Santana was still smirking. "See, you've all met Rachel, okay? But I've... I live with her. Let me tell you what it's like to share a bathroom with this stubby, undergrown little cretin. Someone in that apartment shaves their face and leaves their stubble in the sink, and we all know it ain't Kurt, so do the math."  
Kurt looked at her as if to say 'what the fuck?', but she didn't pay attention.   
  
"That's a lie!" Rachel argued once again.   
Santana shrugged. "You know what else is a lie? When you won Prom Queen."  
"What?"  
"Yeah, that's right." Santana smirked. "You didn't win, okay? Everybody just felt really bad for you, and the two people that you hate most in this whole world, Quinn and I, stuffed the ballot box so that you would win."  
  
Rachel shook her head. "You're so cruel, Santana. I mean, you're only doing this to me because I'm the lead of Funny Girl and you're just the lowly understudy. You want to make me feel bad because I'm better than you."  
"And you're an awful person." Santana smiled, sitting back down. "Oh! I feel so much better. Let's vote."  
Kurt rubbed his temples, well that... was fucking awful. 

Mr. Shue finally stepped forward after Rachel and Mercedes had disappeared for a while, and now they were back it was time to vote. "All right, everybody..." He coughed a little. "It's time to get this voting nonsense out of the way so that we can continue on with what you all came here for: the music." He smiled.   
Rachel and Mercedes shared a look. The group had had a small break and Kurt had spotted the girls talking to everyone while Santana talked at him about how she was voting for him, because she couldn't be bothered to vote for the girls. He'd reminded her that he wasn't in the running, and she shrugged. "You weren't in the running for prom queen either, but look how that went." He rolled his eyes, and the group had come back over.   
"Y'all can use your left hand for anonymity." April explained.   
  
"But I'm left-handed."  
"Then use a foot." She shrugged, and they started writing down their votes.   
The girls had disappeared again, and Mr. Shue counted in the votes. Kurt had put Mercedes, because he knew Rachel got what she wanted every time. Plus he may hold a little resentment from the last diva-off.   
  
"Okay, that's everybody." Mr. Shue announced as the girls walked back in.   
Rachel stepped forward. "So, um, sorry about that outburst earlier. Mercedes and I have been talking. And we both realize that asking you guys to vote for who's more talented is just, it's completely ridiculous, unproductive and narcissistic. I mean, how could we ask you guys to choose between two beautiful queen divas?"   
  
Mr. Shue shrugged. "Well, funny enough, they did vote, and they did choose. And guess what? You're both equally as talented, but..." He looked back to the students sat in their chairs and his eyes fell on Kurt, who looked around at everyone. "Kurt, you have won the diva-off."  
Everyone clapped and Kurt didn't know what to say, opening and closing his mouth like a fish gasping for air. He could see Rachel and Mercedes smiling at each other, and it was obvious that they'd told the group to vote for him, but still, it was a nice gesture... Sometimes even the scraps were good.   
  
\------------  
  
"Excuse me, excuse me." April rushed into the room. "I'd like to apologize. It's not the first time I've raised someone's hopes and then left them on the rocky shores of disappointment and regret. Just ask all of my A.A. sponsors-"  
"April?" Mr. Shue interrupted her. "We just want to spend the rest of the week singing in peace."  
  
She shook her head. "But what I DID do was use the last few hours of my NetJets account to bring in someone whose infectious happiness surely will make the next few days that much brighter. Ladies and gentlemen..." She stepped to one side and Holly Holiday slid in, grinning as everyone clapped for her.   
Kurt was even happy to see her, he'd missed having her as a sub, she was a lot of fun.   
  
"Hola, clase~" She beamed. "April, thank you for buttering the floor for me. You know I like to make an entrance."  
Mr. Shuester shook his head. "Wait, I'm-I'm sorry. How-how do you two know each other?"  
Holly shrugged. "Oh, because there's a whole Facebook page for people who were guests of Glee Club. I'm on it, April... Blaine's brother, Rachel's mom, that Mexican guy."  
  
Mr. Shue grinned, accepting a hug from the substitute teacher. "Holly... This is amazing. Where have you been?"  
"Oh, I've been everywhere. I quit being a substitute teacher because I couldn't stand being tied down. I like teaching a room full of kids if I know I'm never gonna see them again, but then, if you're any good at it, they keep asking you back, which kind of defeats the purpose." She shrugged. "So, I started my trademark Holly Holliday Teachin' Pop-Ups. I just show up at a classroom unannounced, teach a lesson and get the hell out of there."  
"When you say never having to see them again?" Kurt pondered, and Holly laughed.   
  
"Obviously that excludes you guys." She explained, and the group laughed. "But when I heard Glee Club was ending, I ripped off my Pol Pot uniform, hopped on that first flight out of Buenos Aires and came to pay my respects."  
Mr. Shue smiled. "Uh, Holly, you know that we're singing our favourite Glee Club songs we've already sung before-"  
"That's a terrible idea!" Holly argued, Kurt laughed a little. "Listen, that might be fine for you nerds, but when Holly Holliday is in town, this hot bitch is not looking in the rear-view mirror; she's looking forward. Hit it!"  
Of course, a modern pop song was what Holly chose, and it was as fun to watch and join in on as ever. 

\------------  
  
Kurt wondered into the locker room, knowing he'd probably find Noah here. He was right, the ex-football player stood looking up at the replica of Finn's letterman jacket that sat in a frame on the wall. "Should have known I'd find you here..."  
Puck glanced to him. "I'm not down for a quicky in the shower, Hummel."  
Kurt continued on, standing next to the boy and looking up at the jacket as well. "You still like her, don't you?"  
Puck frowned, glancing to him.   
  
"Quinn. I can tell." He explained. He always found it easier to be blunt with Puck, the other boy didn't enjoy bullshit.   
"Don't make me beat you up, man." Puck frowned, shaking his head. Kurt simply raised a brow, and Puck sighed. "Fine, yes, ok? She's always been different..."  
Kurt nodded a little. "Well... maybe you should try talking to her?" He suggested, shrugging before heading back out of the room. 

\------------

Mr. Shue had called some of them on stage, and the group gathered. "I want to show you guys something. All of you that were together from the very beginning when the glee club was just a dream." Kurt looked to the small group, Rachel, Mercedes, Tina and Artie, they all shared a small smile. "Their new and final resting places." Will explained, motioning to the two plaques that sat on the wall as the rest of the club joined them on stage. "For as long as McKinley's around, all the students who travel through this auditorium are gonna see these. And have absolutely no idea who they are."  
"You know what? This is crazy." Puck shook his head. "Because I could really give two poops about this place, but this is really getting to me."  
  
"I know. Why is that?" Tina asked, folding her arms.   
Mr. Shue nodded, smiling sadly. "We were all raised by different parents. But we grew up together in the glee club. It's a part of all of us. Of course you're sad about it."  
"I don't know, Mr. Schue. With this and Finn, it's kind of hard to believe that anything lasts." Kurt shrugged, and the others glanced to him before looking to the teacher.   
  
"I don't have any more pep talks. I just have you guys. And the memory of the people on this wall. My friends." The teacher smiled. "I mean, we share this special bond. We're the only ones in the world who-who know what this glee club meant to us. What it felt like to sing together. To be... to be together. And what it feels like to say good-bye to it. I didn't come here to cheer you up. Just to thank you. To thank you for going on this ride with me." Everyone wiped their eyes, including the teacher, and he chuckled a little. "All right, come on. We've still got a few days until, uh, Sue shuts the lights out on the choir room, so... let's make the most of them."

\------------  
  
When Kurt got home, he head upstairs. The house was empty other than himself, and he took the moment to step up to Finn's door, and push it open. Looking around, it was no different than he'd left it - bar a few things moving downstairs or to Burt's office at the shop, or to Rachel and others. It was as if he'd step through the door any minute, ask him to play video games with him and ruffle his head. Of course he'd complain about his hair being mussed, but he'd agree to playing games, and they'd chat into the early morning about anything and everything.   
It was no different than the day of the funeral... other than the unmade cot box on the bed, not yet made because nobody wanted to start doing it yet, even though it was getting closer to the due date.   
  
He felt tears spill down his cheeks before he'd even noticed. A constricting in his throat that came with the strong rush of emotions, almost strangling him as he let a sob escape. He didn't stop it, letting himself break down and cry.   
  
Glee club was over, Finn was gone.   
  
That club had saved his life, and now it was almost hone. Just a few more days, and all of that would be erased. All the trophies put into storage, all the sheet music taken away, the piano carted out, no sign the club had ever been there in the first place, no kids dancing terribly to 'Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat', or singing 'Don't Stop Believing' until they all grew sick of the song, but still kind of loved it regardless. And in a few weeks at most, Finn's room would be completely changed into the nursery for his little brother or sister to occupy. His brothers' stuff would be carted up into the loft, left to gather dust. 

He shook his head, clenching his eyes shut for a moment. He could swear he could smell Finn in front of him, could almost feel a hand on his shoulder in comfort, but when he opened his eyes there was nobody. His lip quivered, and he head out of the room, closing the door to and heading into his own, and into his bathroom to find solace in his razor. 


	38. Cover

Sorry, not an update! Just wanted to show you guys the cover I made after my friend told me to revive my old wattpad account XD

there will be a new chapter soon, I swear...


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